Balls, Boys & Samuel November 12, 2009 by Chrissie I threw up last night after having a mouthful of pork scratching. Piggy meat..aint my thing…obviously. You could’ve given me wild goats balls and i would’ve merrily chewed on them like they were Starbursts. (‘Ooh balls…is there any seconds??’) Then i could’nt sleep all night, due to an apparent troubled mind. (I blame it on the ten coffees i had before bed.) I looked out my window at almost 3am and there was an Irish man glaring in at me with his fingers over his eyes, like they were glasses. I knew he was Irish as i couldn’t help but talk to him after waving at him like he was a… spastic. He wasn’t even drunk. I’m gonna start doing that to people. (And i do mean ‘not being drunk.’) What Irish man isn’t fucking trashed?? Eww…get with it much! He said i was ‘pretty,’ I said that he ‘wasn’t.’ I totally got away with it too…it’s the BOOBIE magic! I wished my boobies *squeaked,* as it would make a decent party trick. Better than the one i already have…which is be the drunkest dickhead in the room…Right now, they only *foghorn* when i squidge. I want a refund. (No i don’t. I’m nothing without these tits!) I have ‘Wombles’ in my head. Ex boyfriend drama. A better life and the suns out in November! WOOHOO! I’ve just got yelled at for playing Xmas music…which worries me that it was referred to as ‘The Devils’ music. It’s fucking Christmas you banana!! A time when we take gifts and steal grannies wallets and step on children to get to santas lap for a inappropriate ‘feel up.’ What the hell is wrong with you!!!! I told him he had ‘Mummy didn’t love him issues.’ He told me to ‘FUCK OFF.’ As i guess his Mummy really didn’t love him, but like in actual real life. How unfortunate for me. (Awkward pause. Quickly pop my boobs out to make light of the situation.) He tried to explain it all too me…which made me feel all uncomfortable, to Xmas music. I told him i didn’t need to hear his life story before coffee and masturbation. He laughed! VICTORY!! Thank god he shut up. I had a boy named John Voice, on Facebook, try to pretend he was ‘in a relationship’ with me last night, to apparently make his girlfriend jealous! Erm…Nice touch? I ignored him, then he begged me and begged me. I still ignored him and curled my hair. Then he told me to write on his wall…You can’t TELL me to write on your wall and lie, if i don’t actually KNOW you in real life, right? But i did…and i said that ‘sex was great.’ Boredom got the better of me. The Devil made me do it. If you are that girl…i send you my apologies, therefore you can now basque in the comfort of knowing…you’re BETTER than HIM. He owes you diamonds…and maybe a 20 minute ‘eat out.’ It’s Thursday Darlings! It really is! And what happens on Thursday?? Yep…LUNCH with my gay bitch aka ‘Puss’ Samuel. We got loads to catch up on. It’s been a whole week! I think we’re going to ‘The Village’ (the hippie place) in Camden for a Pregnancy wrap. You go in with a fur…you come out with a baby. I love him.