Woke up at exactly 5.53am this morning. My eyes just opened and believe it or not they were crying! Yes, this is making me sound tremedously mentally ill. Yet assure you, being a Glamour Puss and having boobies cancels out the madness that i have deliciously sweeping around my soul. In dream land, i had been dreaming that i was married to Spencer Pratt. He was yelling at me because my voice was too loud when i was using the phone. It made me cry. it made me cry so much, that my ‘dream land’ tears stretched over to the real world. Crazy how that can happen isn’t it? At least i didn’t wee myself. It’s my midgets day off, so i’d have no-one to wipe me clean. 🙂
Waking up at 5.53am sucks…especially when you have a dollop of morning sickness. I have a pussy cat in my belly, that’s already causing me to feel hungover and pukey..before it’s even BORN!! I’m deeply alarmed by all this pokery and wondering why i’m craving Mr.Kiplings mini sized fairy cakes? I’m taking it as a sign. God wants me to be an alcoholic, diamond encrusted, Hair tossing mother of fabulousity. I’m not sure how that logic works? But if i have a boy..it better enjoy wearing stockings. 🙂 Only joking. I wouldn’t introduce him to stockings until it’s at least 4…and i’m naming the child something ‘unisex,’ that coincides with my favourite liquor. Whilst your kids will be playing with the Early learning centres, newest educational toys. Mine will be trying on furs, strutting, dancing in glitter showers, and pretending it’s Ribena is a vodka/cranberry. Knowing me, i’m probably have kids, who want to save the whales, or knit cardigans. UGH. I’ll be devastated and just have more that like booze. (Oh *hush* i have a kingdom and a reputation to uphold! They need to learn he ways of the Wunna.) I haven’t quite told Pete all this yet, but i’m sure he’ll love every minute of my ‘how to bring our child up’ pitch.
Okay, so i haven’t been able to blog over the last day due to being ill, sick and running errands, that kept consisiting of buying people things at McDonalds. I’m not completely selfish. I will buy you food. It doesn’t have to be off a dollar menu. I’m actually more generous than people would believe. It’s a trait i learnt from my mother. Like most things that make your crotch itch…I’m ght gift that keeps on giving. (I’m meant to be cleaning up my image. Yet my distinct idiocracy, refuses to let me be anything other than sarcastic…and forever. If i showed you who i really was…you’d think i was the nations sweetheart. Step aside Miss. Tweedy. I just prefer to dip my playful sweetness in Tom Foolery and rum, then watch to see what happens? I’m like a living experiment and i’m celebrating every moment of being Me. I suggest you love you too! It just makes things a bit easier…!
Okay, so on Tuesday, i trained it off to Manchester to meet my new Literary agents Helen Hewitt & Karen Woods. They’re twoo northern women who possess that special *spunk* (ooh that sounds rudey, please don’t fire me)…They just have that *Umph,* that spirit, that i’ve been looking for a very long time. Like a good old cocktail…they mix well with Miss Wunna. *hair-toss.* I’m super impressed with their northern swagger and the fact that they can see me for who i truely am and just know how i want to be represented. I have go-gotters hustling for me…and they’re women. Watch your back, here we come world.
Anyway, it took them about a week, to get me a lovely old publishing deal. I met them at manchester Picaddilly station, at exactly 3pm..they found me in yellow, sat on a metal bench, combing my hair, and eating midget gems, near the station’s Starbuck. (There we had our meeting.) They knew it was me right away…and immediately…i felt comforted! There’s something about older women….that makes me feel safe. I have a great relationship with my mother. She’s the one person who has never ever let me down throughout my life, no metter what i’ve put her through…and it’s obviously been a lot! Maybe that’s why i was lulled into a cosy place of *snuggle* much, as soon as they’re energies hit mine. I’m very happy, very excited and have a book on it’s way out to you! I’ve written it all myself. It’s about my life. It represents my brand, which is all about being a ‘Glamour Puss,’ and what i love most about my book, is the fact that not only is it Volume one of my blog..(which makes it all about ME..ME…MEEEEEE!) However, also involves YOU! It’s like one of the first books, where normal people (like me,) who accidentally cross my path (like you) are actually written about, as part of my life! You are an important factor! If i have seen you, experienced, or cocktailed with you. Cried with you, laughed with you, or even pouted with you…the chances of you appearing within the pages of my book are HIGH! I’m turning normal, random people, who have inspired me on a daily, into people of importnace, who i believe should be remembered. Like anyone else, we’re all doing life…and simply here to encourage you to love every moment of it..and with the style of a good old puss! (God, my voice is awful! I have ‘Sex Lessons’ on in the background. Channel 5 have just sent me the link to the show that was aired, for me to take a look at. It had apparent excellent ratings and they’ve called me in for more. I have it playing on a seperate window, to watch my bits of chitter chatter. Obviosuly i’m writing my blog, so i can’t watch it all and i’m running behind on time. I have a whole lot of worky to get through. Therefore whenever i hear my wretched voice, i’m immediately clicking back to it, and having a bit of a gander. I look like a cougar. Next time when i go in, i’m going to doll up to represent some kind of weird asian Dolly Parton.
Bottom line, i’m super super happy. I love helen and Karen. I love the book deal. I love that you’ll all get to meet me, as i go on tour at the beginning of next year and i love that my LA friend Theo is out here next week. Wait? Maybe it’s this week? (I’m a shit friend.) I woke up to his call…all he said (after i told him how delicious he was,) was ‘Who are you having your baby with? I replied with ‘God… ofcourse! I am the second virgin to experience the immaculate conception. I am the modern day Mother Mary!’ Odd thing to begin your day with really isn’t? Declaring your Godly stature. But whatever, i do it everyday. Today, i just wanted to be religious!
We paused, laughed at each other, swore a little bit, then he asked me whether i could find him a place to stay? He had booked hotels online that took his money, then went bankrupt. Lovely! Lovely! Welcome to England! (I’m currently stuffing cake into my mouth and remembering a time when Theo met me for coffee on 3rd street in LA. We’d do it every morning, and sfter he had sent me some kind of abusive ‘wake up’ text! (‘Wake up you slut!’) I arrived first usually. Then when he did, he slumped down and said, ‘I wish i was a ten millionaire!‘ That sums up our Hollywood 2006 for you! Add picking the wrong boys to date and you have it all really! )
Talking about boys..(shit i’ve got an hour before i have to meet mine and i’m not even groome yet!) Pete and I had a massive argument on Wednesday,a si was coming home from my meeting in Manchester, i was telling hima ll about my day and he was really excited etc…etc.. Then when i finally got back to Leeds, my phone was out of juice. (I’m a previous socialite..by 3pm my phone will usually always be out of charge, due to my constant delicious yabbering. You can’t hate me for it. It’s just the hand i was dealt.
Anyway, i missed my last train home, due to there being far too many people on the train. It was rush hour and even the doors were crammed. Now, i’m not a crammer inner. I don’t care at all, how late i am. I WILL not, one BIT, ram myself into anything. I especially won’t do that, if i KNOW i am to be squashed for at least 20 minutes, amongst people who are far too close to my face. All the door areas were packed AND the sweaty isles. I attemtped to run to find an empty space of air, yet in the end i gave up and let the doors close without me!
Everyone thought i didn’t want to *cram* because i was pregnant. I actually didn’t want to cram, because everyone looked sweaty and angry. Lmao. It was the train of sheer negativity. They all thought it was going to Knottingley. I KNEW it was going through hell to get there…and i’m not quite ready to serve my time.. just yet! The Devils promised me at least 40 more years!
Anyway, i call Pete to tell him that i had missed the train, as he’s doing the picking up of the Puss. I’m in teh depserate stage, where my phone is completely out of charge, there are no power points, and i need to relay a message, You’ve all been there! I had been turning my phone ‘on & off’ and pulling the battery out..for no real reason. I
get on the phone to good old Loverboy and warn him of my ‘out of charge’ situation. (I call it ‘juice.‘) Instead of being all organized, manly and talking to me properly, in the little time, we have, before he gets cut off. He decides to ramble on about nonsense, that i would pretty much file under ‘can wait.’ THEN (and get this) whilst i’m re-telling him about how i’m going to probably run out of charge, all in a panic at leeds train station, now quite sweaty myself And (let me milk this) PREGNANT! Pete…gleefully PASSES the phone ( an art form i do sometimes depsise during important moments..i once DUMPED a boy for doing that to me in LA.) He passed the phone to a friend, who just wanted to banter with me…a guy friend called ‘Jay’ and get this….he wasn’t even drunk!! Phone passing is only acceptable when you’re pissed up! My phone cut off…and at that point Loverboy was in BIG Wunna TROUBLE!!
Deliberately, i took an alternate route home, so that he would not beable to find me, if he retraced our convo. Then when i finally managed to ‘charge’ up…I had missed 5 calls from him. I yelled at him,t old him i was ‘sick of him’ and that i thought he was ‘childish’ and ‘self centred.’ 🙂
He then wanted me to meet up with his other friends for food. I was in the exact same place as them and strutted past without them knowing and jumped into the nearest taxi home. I was in a proper barney and i didn’t care that he was apologetic. You don’t let Wunna down when she’s hormonal! It’s not worth it. It just made me feel as though he was more ocncerned about parading me around his friends (his needs,) rather then sorting out an important problem, (which was me getting home,) when he only had a moment to do it in. He wasted his moment. How foolish, i just thought it was thick.
I actually refused to see him all night and i haven’t seen him all week, so far, due to work commitments. I enjoyed every moment of being at home, telling my mum all about my book deal and chilling with my family. He claimed his heart ached when i was mad at him…He tried to call me and call me. I ignored him because for the first time ever, i felt like i just didn’t want to talk to him. I’d had a GREAT day and i wasn’t about to dwell of boy drama.
After, a while and because he called so much, i decided to talk to him. We’ve made up, but he’s noticed that i’m being a it ‘off.’ He’s kind of hurt my feelings. I mean, will he be there, when it really truely matters? I don’t enjoy men who opt for ‘stupid’ instead of the right option. Hmm..?
Sent to me this morning via Twitter, by a delicious gent named ‘Tom.’ I am honoured that he chose ME, to grace his laptop screen, this fine morning and in the comfort of his own home. This little Kitty fantastico is EVERYWHERE!!
Oh and this is the Channel 5 ‘Sex Lessons’ show i’m on…