Lost

So shopping wasn’t too great today!! Pointless really, all i got, ( and strictly out of boredom,) was another hair dryer, a hair straightner, and probably a cold. Infact, i was so perky, before i went, yet on my way to Doncaster ( which is where i shopped,) i started to feel a bit down, a bit out of place, and a bit like i should be in LA! I get like this sometimes, bare with me!!

Don’t get me wrong, i LOVE Yorkshire, and i adore the lady that tries to sell me 6 oranges for £1, in the market place, the cups of tea, the people, the happy warmth in the air, the smiles, the pubs, everything!! Yet ever since i was 9 or 10, i’ve always known there was something more than Yorkshire, in store for me, and that place was Hollywood. I always said, ever since being, i think 10 yrs old, that i would move to Hollywood, and become a star!!! Yu can ask ANYONE i went to school with!! So when i was 21, ( made sure i was of US legal drinking age…lol,) I did, and it turned out to be the best thing i had ever done!!!

I guess, i just went down good old memory lane today, as everything around me reminded me, of being a child. It was funny!! I actually stood in the same spot, i stood in 15 years ago , where i had WISHED i would move to Hollywood, as a child. It made me fill up, and i have no idea why??? I certainly, had no idea, that i would end up getting my dream, let alone becoming part of the Hollywood scenery.

Work has been good to me here, and I’m so glad, i’ve managed to come back to England, for a few months, to revisit my past. I needed it, as Hollywood was starting to swallow me up. I feel as though in Yorkshire, i can just be a kid again, walk down the street without everyone staring at me, see my old friends and not have a million dudes ‘Holla’ at me on the street every 2 seconds!!! I have peace. Yet in good old ‘Chrissie Wunna’ style, peace begins to bore me, so I’m ready to get my arse back to the City of Angels!!! I’m excited!! ( which is funny as i actually, emailed someone today, telling them, i didn’t miss it at all…hahaha.) I think there’s just something about that town, a magic, a Va voom, and YES it is RIDICULOUS, but like i always say, it’s home to a very certain breed of people. I guess, the misfits of the world!! hahaha! And i am certainly one of them!!

Anyway, enough of the seriously stuff, as it’s making me feel depressed!!! lol! A dude tried to sell me a german salami,  a kangeroo burger, and a Russian doll, all at the same time today!!! He wouldn’t stop bugging me, so i ended up buying a kangeroo burger, for £3.00 and making my baby brother eat it!!

I need a beer… i guess since i have a hair straightner, i should straighten my hair???

Rock, Roll n stockings…

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I’ve had a rock and roll kind of morning and it’s not even 10.30 am yet!! This photos by DV8, it was the first shot of the session, and i complained that the ‘flash’ was sooooo bright, (seriously it could have lit up a whole 3rd world country,) that it not only blinded me, yet made me hallucinate for about 4 hrs!! He changed it, we smoked 4 cigarettes, and then we started all over again!!! GREATNESS!!!

Live and Let Die and WAY more coffee

Woke up this morning after a late night, to the rather dramatic, ‘Live and let die,’ song!! Don’t know why, but it was blasting out loud at approx. 8am, and it made me feel as though, i had stepped out of my soiled sheets, and stepped straight into a Bond movie! It was actually AWESOME or very very sad, i just can’t seem to decide???? Yet since i’m the Queen of all things GREAT, i’ll go with ‘better than waking up to some random hungover dude,’ right?? (beer goggles rock!!)I think, how you wake up in the morning is oh so important. Therefore, now i feel bad for always waking up my ex-husband, by jumping up and down on the bed repeatedly, whilst screaming, and playing crap songs as loud as i could.

Anyway, i’m feeling wonderful today, and i’m about to go shopping. It’s dreadfully foggy outside, yet the fog never seems to bother me. I once drove to a fashion show quite safely, in the thickest of fogs. I almost smashed into 4 cars, yet i dodged them like a champion, at the very last minute….i think??? But the point is, if i can drive in the dark, in most horrid fog, i can carry a few hundred shopping bags through it  with a smile on my face and steal a few things!! (tut, tut, Winona.)

My coffee hasn’t kicked in yet, so i’m sorry if this blog isn’t quite ‘all that,’yet if you are complaining that my blog is shite, then you can F*** off!! YOU try waking up to James Bond music!! haha!

I’m feeling like a ‘Star’ today, and although my love life is the shambles. (I haven’t actually seen my ‘Latin Lover’ in 3 months now,) my career is blooming. I guess, thats how the story goes… I remember how he always use to complain that i never cooked. Yet, he’s a bloody CHEF!!! If you didn’t want to flipping cook for me, for the rest of your entire life, then you should’ve decided to get your boobs out, for a living, and not go to CULINARY school. He’s the only Chef i know, that hates cooking!! hahaha!

Anyway, i’ve got to go and make breakfast. I can’t concentrate on blog writing, right now, as i have a million people around me fussing, bitching and yelling.  I hate it when people yell around me. If you’re about to have a giant arguement, and i’m around you, PLEASE take your drama, into another space. It pisses me off!!! Yet, if i’m yelling, i want everyone to stay and listen!!!

Not a good way to wake up…. i need more coffee!

Easter Bunny Bitch

So spring has sprung, Easter is on it’s way, and i have just been informed that at this time 20 years ago, i was being fooled into giving my bottle to the Easter Bunny.

In case you’re not with me on this one, i sucked on my baby bottle, from being born, until i was 7 yrs old!! haha! I did!! I was never breast fed, as my mum claims, she tried to put her boob in my mouth, from her lowly hospital bed, and i immediatley shunned her nipple, whilst saying, ‘ Um, no bitch, please!’ Therefore, a baby bottle, full of milky formula, was wedged into my mouth, and i guess, i enjoyed noshing it SO much, ( yes sir, neck it girl) that i just couldn’t give it up!! Hence, my current ‘cock-sucky’ lips, and it still being in my mouth at 7 years old!!! And i do have ‘cocky sucky lips’ ask Rudes! When i have them (my lips) done up, and i strut around Hollywood, well 3rd and La Cienega. Men will stare at my mouth intensely, and it’s almost as if, they are about to jab their Mcjuicy into my lippage, due to a force beyond their means!!! It’s hilarious!! I call them my secret weapons!!

Anyway, back to Easter. I loved Easter bunny, as there was always some giant ‘hoo-harr,’ like magical giant bunny feet, from my bed, to my presents, or whatever, and i had promised my mother, that today was the day, I was going to pass on my bottle ( already had a drinking problem at 7) and fetish, to the Easter Bunny’s Bitch.

So i took it from my sloppy (ooooh) mouth, passed it to a ginormous (yayur!)  man, who smiled at my mother, and placed it into the back of his massive (Mmmmm…) truck thing.

Which translates as, she flipping made me, give up my bottle, (sucky sucky teet, teet)  to a dirty dustbin man (trash collector), who lobbed it into the back of his  van, (dirty bastard) and drove off. UGH!!! See rehab was much easier then. You just confiscated the goods, threw them into the back of your van, and whilst your driving off, you gave’em the old razzle dazzle middle McFlip off!! ( Say no to crack Amy Winehouse!!)

Sad boring story, i know, and i don’t quite know what posessed me to tell it, but there you go….Happy flipping Days!!! I should ruin Easter for everyone, and give all childrens bottles to Bin men to chuck out. Yet, i’m sure there’s not that many, 13% retarded, 7 year olds, like moi, still on the teet drip. ( note: if you do so happen to be a 7yr old, still on your bottle and reading this. You are not retarded, just ‘Special,’ like me.)

 Now go out and get wasted, whilst i go prim and prune, in the Wunna Mansion!!! It’s time for a drinky and some fun fun fun!!

Love you my Darlings!!

Cum into my boudoir!

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So i’m here all alone in my boudoir, of Mc Lurve. It’s still FANNY Friday, and mine has been on display, for you all day long!! Supposedly, It tastes just like chicken!?! Enjoy!! Welcome to my weekend!! (photography by Chic Images)

It’s FANNY FRIDAY!

Wuddup, my babies!!! How are you today?? As always, little Miss.Wunna, is sparkly happy, with a glint of mischieve in her eye!! Yep, i’m definitely in a ‘lets cause some trouble’, kinda mood, for random comic value and having worked this morning, I am feeling very very ‘OOoh Laaa, Ooh laa, flirty flirty!’  With me still being a young-ish girly, i’m quite frankly, a bit of an ‘attention whore,’ and i LOVE being the flirty center of attention , and ofcourse I LOVE getting attention from the boys!!! Who doesn’t??? It just always makes me feel good, puts the ‘bedroom’ in my eyes and for some reason always cracks me up. (hahahaha) So bring it on fellas, as i’m raring to go!! Purrr…..

Anyway, i love my job, and it’s going quite spiffingly as of right now. I have a very busy schedule set up, lots of new knickers, but more importantly, how GREATNESS is the QUEEN ( as in ‘of England,’ and not ‘Graham Norton.’) Yes, our Liz, has just, or is going too…( who bloody cares, i don’t fucking know,) open the new heathrow airport terminal, 24hrs after, a HUGE security scare ( dodgey man with explosives, or something,) proving to us Brits that she has the biggest BALLS of us all. ( yum yum)

I love The QUEEN and her jewel studded hairy set of plums!!! Yet,if i were Queen, i would have totally sent some poor old sod slave, to go cut the fucking ribbon, and smash a champagne bottle on the wall. Me…get blown up….i don’t think so!!! Hence, why I’m not Queen of England, and instead Princess in exile, of Burma!! hahaha!

I need to stop drinking so much coffee. I’m currently a coffee addict, (4th cup today) and it’s staining my teeth, yet i guess it better than being addicted to erm…..,peeing on children, (R Kelly Rocks!!) so i think i’m fine!!

WHAT!!!! Just so you know, i’m right this second looking through a magazine, that is telling me, that one can purchase ( wait let me read it properly first) before i bark off some nonsense…Okay, one can purchase, a cocktail at Movida ( london night club), for £35,000. CHUFFIN’HELL!!! ( if you are american that means, oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!!) It consists of the best cognac in the world ever, half a bottle of Cristal ( ghetto) in rose, sugar, edible 24 carat gold flakes, and a 11 carat white diamond ring!!! So basically, if your a person who drinks alcohol, like me, and does not study it ( like boring wine tasters), all of the above translates as… a bit of bloody booze, more bloody booze, sugar ( that u can get from the store, for under a £1,) fools gold ( if you can eat it, it’s not real, hahaha) and DIAMONDS!!! ( i likey)

I have a very loving relationship with DIAMONDS! I love them, they love me, we make ‘Ooh Laa.’  However, i do want diamonds presented to me, via a baby blue, turquoise box, with a white ribbon, that says, ‘Tiffany,’ on it, and not attached to something that i’m simply going to pee out, later!!  Whoever thought up the, ‘Movida Flawless cocktail’, ( as if anyone can say that anyway, wehn they are drunk) was basically a TWAT! And who ever the bloke was, who bought Kylie minogue one, was SILLY, because she’s never going to bonk you. Yet, if you buy Me one, you’d probably get a little rumble in grandma’s bed or something??? Boys, you’ve just got to be smarter!! haha!

Shit, i really want one now, i’ve dogged it! lol! £35,000 for a tipple!!! Like the old Hollywood saying goes, ‘It better come with Hookers, and Blow.’)

Anyway, i’ve got to go re-do my face, make some coffee, (ho-hum) and take a picture of my vagina for a photographer, believe it or not!

But before i do go, i do want to tell you its…..wait for it….it’s Chrissie Wunna’s…..(drum roll, drum roll)….FANNY FRIDAY!!!! So be expecting some pictures later my boys!!! ( and i do mean Fanny as in US bum!!!)

Easy Does it!

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Easy does it boys!! Well it’s thursday, and there’s nothing special about thursday EXCEPT, naked pictures of little oriental girls, who like to say, ‘Ooh Laa.’ This shot is just for you, photographed by Hamish Boyle. My little red chair….i think there’s room for one more or Two??? Squeeze in fellas!!

Va Voom my honeys!

Okay, todays a day of positive thinking. I’ve been up very early to fit in a last minute shoot, and if it wasn’t for the fine art of ‘positive thinking,’ and the fine art of brewing coffee, i don’t think i could’ve quite got through it, as a ‘Asian Goddess,’- i believe that, was the theme of the morning!!! What was your theme??

I’ve started to pull myself together, and get my life back in order, after laying back and simply enjoying the ride. I’m trying to be as productive as i can, and you know what, thats all it really takes. I wrote a ‘To do’ list, this morning, and i’ve managed to get it ALL done before 2pm, which is amazing since, i’ve been eyeing up these minor projects, and ‘Thinking’ about doing them, for approx. a week  now…hahaa. Therefore, believe me when i say, to get productive, and be productive, all you really have to do, is spend less time ‘thinking’ about doing it, and more time just getting up and DOING it.

I was kind of spurred on by some, lets say, ‘bitter sweet’ news, i recieved from a chappie in LA, last night. You know, it’s that news, that’s SO good, yet has a side to it that stings like a Mother F*****!! Yet, instead of letting it get to me, ( I couldn’t, I had to work,) i simply filed it under,’ Good times,’ grabbed my best thong, and heels, and strutted off to be an Asian Goddess!!

I guess this blog, is mainly to inspire people, who have so much potential, yet are sitting on their ass, and really not putting their great potential at play!! You can’t win the game,if you are too lazy to play it. And i’ll pretty much play anything! (cough**pink trombone**cough.)

So believe in yourself, FUCK what anybody else thinks, and march forward army strong!! YOU can do ANYTHING u wish too, and achieve ANYTHING you so desire. Every single person who has made something of themselves today, has had a time, when they did not believe they could DO IT. Yet, they jumped back on that pony ( ride it champion), and shimmied on, up the ladder of GREATNESS and with Va Voom!!

So find YOUR Va Voom, no matter how impossible it may seem, and maybe you too, can get your muffins out for a living, and turn your two love humps, into money making machines!!! hahahahaha

Have a great day!! I’m SO Dr.Phil right now, i love it!!

My love affair with Red

I love red wine,  mainly because ‘it’ loves me, sends a tingle up my spine, and an ache between my legs. Luckily i’ve managed to get my dirty asian hands on a yummy bottle of Red, that just so happened to be hiding from me, WAY back in the darkness of a random Wunna cupboard!!! You can run, but you can’t hide!! ( i really did actually have a boy, not mentioning any names, RYAN MARCH,  say that to me, one time.) It flirted with me, gave me the ‘Ooh Laas,’ so i POUNCHED upon it, like every great HUSSY does. I am very aware that it probably belongs to someone else? However, wine always seems to tastes better, when it has been purchased by another. In other words, ‘FREE BOOZE….YAY!’

Unfortunately, i don’t have anyone to share it with. ( aww…i know, play the burmese bongos, to my sad life!) Luckily, that doesn’t seem to bother me, due to a colourful independant streak, and a wagging tongue for booze. So I, and in true Queen of Greatness style, will make ‘whoppee,’ alone, with my handsome Red.

I wish you could join us, but’ haha’ YOU CAN’T!!!

I love my life

Most hilarious day so far!! Woke up, and due to yesterdays sheer laziness, had no toothpaste this morning, so had to find, and use, a barbie sized, teeny, tiny, tube of toothpaste,that i got from a plane journey and then share it amongst 4 other people!! It was SO ‘Jewish Holocaust,’ and Not very glamour puss!! I can’t be glamourous without toothpaste!

Then, i tried to write this blog ( this is currently my third joyous attempt,) yet a pop up of the worst techno song, known to mankind, decided to POP up repeatedly, and ruin my life. So i had to move away from the computer, before i completely lost my mind!!! You can NOT FORCE people to buy your song via POP-UPS!!! Plus, only druggies like TECHNO!!Anyway, i figured, i would do my face, as it always makes me feel so much better, as i turn from ‘Chimpanzee,’ to ‘Beauty Queen.’ ha! And i DO actually feel like i can conquer the world now, and show my boobies to the masses quite greatly. The miracles of makeup!! When i don’t have my face on, all i seem to want to do, is eat 10 bags of chips, and watch Jerry Springer

Therefore during my ‘feel good’ phase, i decide to go to the local grocery store, to buy wine, and other grocery delights. I managed to somehow, trap my head in the door, not once but TWICE!! Firstly,when i was getting out of the car, ( and i actually told myself, to ‘FUCK OFF,’ extremely loudly, in the parking lot, making mothers of young children, who attend the same posh school that i did when i was little, pull their children away from me…hahaha.) The the second time, was on my way back to the car, whilst trying to be super aware of my first traumatic head trapping experience.!! Hahah!! It was HILARIOUS!! All i could do was laugh!! Then maybe cry a little!!

Okay than, to de-stress, i figure, i need a cigarette. This is why you SHOULD NOT smoke, if you reside in a country that is currently EXTREMELY WINDY!! It was hard enough for me to puff, without getting a mouthful of fake hair. I blow, i flick, then a stream of ash comes hurtling right back towards me, flies into my eye, and burns my eyeball. It’s GREATNESS!! Then since i knew i couldn’t take on the elements, i managed to get blown from one end of the garden to the other, repeatedly..whilst laughing my arse off, until i was completely frozen, almost to death, and it wasn’t really that funny anymore..so i went inside!!

I guess all of this should really piss me off, yet i’m trying so hard not to be negative anymore. I mean, i’m so lucky!! My life is GREAT! This time last year, i had just got back from New York, and having to sleep on random couches in LA every night, getting ready to meet the man of my dreams. I have ridden elephants around parks in Burma. Partied like a rockstar in LA, AND smacked Matt Dillon on the arse with a glittery hand bag, whilst he was making out with a random chick. I have been offered lesbians in bathtubs in Thailand, and drank proper beers in proper ye olde pubs in britain. Dined with royalty, dined with not so royal, yet still cool, homeless men with one leg. It’s been GREAT!!

So i guess, what i’m saying is….just incase you’re suffereing from a serious case of ‘Da Blues,’ try and remember ALL the good things that you’ve done, or the hilarious moments that seem to have occured, whether you liked them or not!! However, if you didn’t look good whilst doing them, then they don’t count AT ALL, and you should still be miserable!!! Don’t fool yourself my Darling! hahahaha!!

I love you

Chrissie Wunna