Easter Bunny Bitch

So spring has sprung, Easter is on it’s way, and i have just been informed that at this time 20 years ago, i was being fooled into giving my bottle to the Easter Bunny.

In case you’re not with me on this one, i sucked on my baby bottle, from being born, until i was 7 yrs old!! haha! I did!! I was never breast fed, as my mum claims, she tried to put her boob in my mouth, from her lowly hospital bed, and i immediatley shunned her nipple, whilst saying, ‘ Um, no bitch, please!’ Therefore, a baby bottle, full of milky formula, was wedged into my mouth, and i guess, i enjoyed noshing it SO much, ( yes sir, neck it girl) that i just couldn’t give it up!! Hence, my current ‘cock-sucky’ lips, and it still being in my mouth at 7 years old!!! And i do have ‘cocky sucky lips’ ask Rudes! When i have them (my lips) done up, and i strut around Hollywood, well 3rd and La Cienega. Men will stare at my mouth intensely, and it’s almost as if, they are about to jab their Mcjuicy into my lippage, due to a force beyond their means!!! It’s hilarious!! I call them my secret weapons!!

Anyway, back to Easter. I loved Easter bunny, as there was always some giant ‘hoo-harr,’ like magical giant bunny feet, from my bed, to my presents, or whatever, and i had promised my mother, that today was the day, I was going to pass on my bottle ( already had a drinking problem at 7) and fetish, to the Easter Bunny’s Bitch.

So i took it from my sloppy (ooooh) mouth, passed it to a ginormous (yayur!)  man, who smiled at my mother, and placed it into the back of his massive (Mmmmm…) truck thing.

Which translates as, she flipping made me, give up my bottle, (sucky sucky teet, teet)  to a dirty dustbin man (trash collector), who lobbed it into the back of his  van, (dirty bastard) and drove off. UGH!!! See rehab was much easier then. You just confiscated the goods, threw them into the back of your van, and whilst your driving off, you gave’em the old razzle dazzle middle McFlip off!! ( Say no to crack Amy Winehouse!!)

Sad boring story, i know, and i don’t quite know what posessed me to tell it, but there you go….Happy flipping Days!!! I should ruin Easter for everyone, and give all childrens bottles to Bin men to chuck out. Yet, i’m sure there’s not that many, 13% retarded, 7 year olds, like moi, still on the teet drip. ( note: if you do so happen to be a 7yr old, still on your bottle and reading this. You are not retarded, just ‘Special,’ like me.)

 Now go out and get wasted, whilst i go prim and prune, in the Wunna Mansion!!! It’s time for a drinky and some fun fun fun!!

Love you my Darlings!!

Cum into my boudoir!

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So i’m here all alone in my boudoir, of Mc Lurve. It’s still FANNY Friday, and mine has been on display, for you all day long!! Supposedly, It tastes just like chicken!?! Enjoy!! Welcome to my weekend!! (photography by Chic Images)

It’s FANNY FRIDAY!

Wuddup, my babies!!! How are you today?? As always, little Miss.Wunna, is sparkly happy, with a glint of mischieve in her eye!! Yep, i’m definitely in a ‘lets cause some trouble’, kinda mood, for random comic value and having worked this morning, I am feeling very very ‘OOoh Laaa, Ooh laa, flirty flirty!’  With me still being a young-ish girly, i’m quite frankly, a bit of an ‘attention whore,’ and i LOVE being the flirty center of attention , and ofcourse I LOVE getting attention from the boys!!! Who doesn’t??? It just always makes me feel good, puts the ‘bedroom’ in my eyes and for some reason always cracks me up. (hahahaha) So bring it on fellas, as i’m raring to go!! Purrr…..

Anyway, i love my job, and it’s going quite spiffingly as of right now. I have a very busy schedule set up, lots of new knickers, but more importantly, how GREATNESS is the QUEEN ( as in ‘of England,’ and not ‘Graham Norton.’) Yes, our Liz, has just, or is going too…( who bloody cares, i don’t fucking know,) open the new heathrow airport terminal, 24hrs after, a HUGE security scare ( dodgey man with explosives, or something,) proving to us Brits that she has the biggest BALLS of us all. ( yum yum)

I love The QUEEN and her jewel studded hairy set of plums!!! Yet,if i were Queen, i would have totally sent some poor old sod slave, to go cut the fucking ribbon, and smash a champagne bottle on the wall. Me…get blown up….i don’t think so!!! Hence, why I’m not Queen of England, and instead Princess in exile, of Burma!! hahaha!

I need to stop drinking so much coffee. I’m currently a coffee addict, (4th cup today) and it’s staining my teeth, yet i guess it better than being addicted to erm…..,peeing on children, (R Kelly Rocks!!) so i think i’m fine!!

WHAT!!!! Just so you know, i’m right this second looking through a magazine, that is telling me, that one can purchase ( wait let me read it properly first) before i bark off some nonsense…Okay, one can purchase, a cocktail at Movida ( london night club), for £35,000. CHUFFIN’HELL!!! ( if you are american that means, oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!!) It consists of the best cognac in the world ever, half a bottle of Cristal ( ghetto) in rose, sugar, edible 24 carat gold flakes, and a 11 carat white diamond ring!!! So basically, if your a person who drinks alcohol, like me, and does not study it ( like boring wine tasters), all of the above translates as… a bit of bloody booze, more bloody booze, sugar ( that u can get from the store, for under a £1,) fools gold ( if you can eat it, it’s not real, hahaha) and DIAMONDS!!! ( i likey)

I have a very loving relationship with DIAMONDS! I love them, they love me, we make ‘Ooh Laa.’  However, i do want diamonds presented to me, via a baby blue, turquoise box, with a white ribbon, that says, ‘Tiffany,’ on it, and not attached to something that i’m simply going to pee out, later!!  Whoever thought up the, ‘Movida Flawless cocktail’, ( as if anyone can say that anyway, wehn they are drunk) was basically a TWAT! And who ever the bloke was, who bought Kylie minogue one, was SILLY, because she’s never going to bonk you. Yet, if you buy Me one, you’d probably get a little rumble in grandma’s bed or something??? Boys, you’ve just got to be smarter!! haha!

Shit, i really want one now, i’ve dogged it! lol! £35,000 for a tipple!!! Like the old Hollywood saying goes, ‘It better come with Hookers, and Blow.’)

Anyway, i’ve got to go re-do my face, make some coffee, (ho-hum) and take a picture of my vagina for a photographer, believe it or not!

But before i do go, i do want to tell you its…..wait for it….it’s Chrissie Wunna’s…..(drum roll, drum roll)….FANNY FRIDAY!!!! So be expecting some pictures later my boys!!! ( and i do mean Fanny as in US bum!!!)

Easy Does it!

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Easy does it boys!! Well it’s thursday, and there’s nothing special about thursday EXCEPT, naked pictures of little oriental girls, who like to say, ‘Ooh Laa.’ This shot is just for you, photographed by Hamish Boyle. My little red chair….i think there’s room for one more or Two??? Squeeze in fellas!!

Va Voom my honeys!

Okay, todays a day of positive thinking. I’ve been up very early to fit in a last minute shoot, and if it wasn’t for the fine art of ‘positive thinking,’ and the fine art of brewing coffee, i don’t think i could’ve quite got through it, as a ‘Asian Goddess,’- i believe that, was the theme of the morning!!! What was your theme??

I’ve started to pull myself together, and get my life back in order, after laying back and simply enjoying the ride. I’m trying to be as productive as i can, and you know what, thats all it really takes. I wrote a ‘To do’ list, this morning, and i’ve managed to get it ALL done before 2pm, which is amazing since, i’ve been eyeing up these minor projects, and ‘Thinking’ about doing them, for approx. a week  now…hahaa. Therefore, believe me when i say, to get productive, and be productive, all you really have to do, is spend less time ‘thinking’ about doing it, and more time just getting up and DOING it.

I was kind of spurred on by some, lets say, ‘bitter sweet’ news, i recieved from a chappie in LA, last night. You know, it’s that news, that’s SO good, yet has a side to it that stings like a Mother F*****!! Yet, instead of letting it get to me, ( I couldn’t, I had to work,) i simply filed it under,’ Good times,’ grabbed my best thong, and heels, and strutted off to be an Asian Goddess!!

I guess this blog, is mainly to inspire people, who have so much potential, yet are sitting on their ass, and really not putting their great potential at play!! You can’t win the game,if you are too lazy to play it. And i’ll pretty much play anything! (cough**pink trombone**cough.)

So believe in yourself, FUCK what anybody else thinks, and march forward army strong!! YOU can do ANYTHING u wish too, and achieve ANYTHING you so desire. Every single person who has made something of themselves today, has had a time, when they did not believe they could DO IT. Yet, they jumped back on that pony ( ride it champion), and shimmied on, up the ladder of GREATNESS and with Va Voom!!

So find YOUR Va Voom, no matter how impossible it may seem, and maybe you too, can get your muffins out for a living, and turn your two love humps, into money making machines!!! hahahahaha

Have a great day!! I’m SO Dr.Phil right now, i love it!!

My love affair with Red

I love red wine,  mainly because ‘it’ loves me, sends a tingle up my spine, and an ache between my legs. Luckily i’ve managed to get my dirty asian hands on a yummy bottle of Red, that just so happened to be hiding from me, WAY back in the darkness of a random Wunna cupboard!!! You can run, but you can’t hide!! ( i really did actually have a boy, not mentioning any names, RYAN MARCH,  say that to me, one time.) It flirted with me, gave me the ‘Ooh Laas,’ so i POUNCHED upon it, like every great HUSSY does. I am very aware that it probably belongs to someone else? However, wine always seems to tastes better, when it has been purchased by another. In other words, ‘FREE BOOZE….YAY!’

Unfortunately, i don’t have anyone to share it with. ( aww…i know, play the burmese bongos, to my sad life!) Luckily, that doesn’t seem to bother me, due to a colourful independant streak, and a wagging tongue for booze. So I, and in true Queen of Greatness style, will make ‘whoppee,’ alone, with my handsome Red.

I wish you could join us, but’ haha’ YOU CAN’T!!!

I love my life

Most hilarious day so far!! Woke up, and due to yesterdays sheer laziness, had no toothpaste this morning, so had to find, and use, a barbie sized, teeny, tiny, tube of toothpaste,that i got from a plane journey and then share it amongst 4 other people!! It was SO ‘Jewish Holocaust,’ and Not very glamour puss!! I can’t be glamourous without toothpaste!

Then, i tried to write this blog ( this is currently my third joyous attempt,) yet a pop up of the worst techno song, known to mankind, decided to POP up repeatedly, and ruin my life. So i had to move away from the computer, before i completely lost my mind!!! You can NOT FORCE people to buy your song via POP-UPS!!! Plus, only druggies like TECHNO!!Anyway, i figured, i would do my face, as it always makes me feel so much better, as i turn from ‘Chimpanzee,’ to ‘Beauty Queen.’ ha! And i DO actually feel like i can conquer the world now, and show my boobies to the masses quite greatly. The miracles of makeup!! When i don’t have my face on, all i seem to want to do, is eat 10 bags of chips, and watch Jerry Springer

Therefore during my ‘feel good’ phase, i decide to go to the local grocery store, to buy wine, and other grocery delights. I managed to somehow, trap my head in the door, not once but TWICE!! Firstly,when i was getting out of the car, ( and i actually told myself, to ‘FUCK OFF,’ extremely loudly, in the parking lot, making mothers of young children, who attend the same posh school that i did when i was little, pull their children away from me…hahaha.) The the second time, was on my way back to the car, whilst trying to be super aware of my first traumatic head trapping experience.!! Hahah!! It was HILARIOUS!! All i could do was laugh!! Then maybe cry a little!!

Okay than, to de-stress, i figure, i need a cigarette. This is why you SHOULD NOT smoke, if you reside in a country that is currently EXTREMELY WINDY!! It was hard enough for me to puff, without getting a mouthful of fake hair. I blow, i flick, then a stream of ash comes hurtling right back towards me, flies into my eye, and burns my eyeball. It’s GREATNESS!! Then since i knew i couldn’t take on the elements, i managed to get blown from one end of the garden to the other, repeatedly..whilst laughing my arse off, until i was completely frozen, almost to death, and it wasn’t really that funny anymore..so i went inside!!

I guess all of this should really piss me off, yet i’m trying so hard not to be negative anymore. I mean, i’m so lucky!! My life is GREAT! This time last year, i had just got back from New York, and having to sleep on random couches in LA every night, getting ready to meet the man of my dreams. I have ridden elephants around parks in Burma. Partied like a rockstar in LA, AND smacked Matt Dillon on the arse with a glittery hand bag, whilst he was making out with a random chick. I have been offered lesbians in bathtubs in Thailand, and drank proper beers in proper ye olde pubs in britain. Dined with royalty, dined with not so royal, yet still cool, homeless men with one leg. It’s been GREAT!!

So i guess, what i’m saying is….just incase you’re suffereing from a serious case of ‘Da Blues,’ try and remember ALL the good things that you’ve done, or the hilarious moments that seem to have occured, whether you liked them or not!! However, if you didn’t look good whilst doing them, then they don’t count AT ALL, and you should still be miserable!!! Don’t fool yourself my Darling! hahahaha!!

I love you

Chrissie Wunna

Arranged marriages/ crap bags, and cardies

You can’t FORCE someone to marry someone!! Well, ‘I’ can( hence my two husbands) yet if you’r not me, Elizabeth Taylor, or JLO, then no you bloody can’t!!

I’m not just ranting on about this weirdly!! I just heard on the news, that little 11 year old girls, of the east indian variety, are being FORCED to marry dirty old east Indian men. And just for a treat, they are getting SMACKED in the face, if dinner isn’t on the table by 5pm, and then they’re getting forced to have SEX with the dirty smelly indian men, to make babies!!! Bloody hell!! What is wrong with that culture?? Arranged marriages SUCK!! Normal marriages are hard, let alone ones where you don’t get to pick the other person!! haha!! I say, let 11 year olds, be 11 year olds. They should be playing with dolls, not dirty old indian penis!

If a dude like that, came 2 steps near me, he’d probably get ‘EGGed’ to death by my drunk friends, after we stole his taxi. Then if he did end up taking me, he’d probably send me back in 2.3 minutes, due to sheer fear!! I’m a shit wife! But you can’t win them all can you?? I make for it in the bedroom though…honest!!

God! My eyes are stinging!! They kill right now!! They like have shampoo, still in them from my shower!! UGH!! Whatelse did i want to say??

Oh yeah, i love how if boys wore cardigans, back in the day, of any sort, they’d get called a ‘Puff,'( butt pirate) and beaten up behind the bike sheds. Yet now, if a young man, steals his sister’s cardy to wear, on a boozey night out. He’s called, ‘alluringly handsome,’ a ‘gentleman,’ soo ‘stylish.’ Times are a changing my chickens!! ILOVE IT!!

However, what i don’t quite love, ( there had to be something) is the fact that, someone is trying to sell, eco-friendly bags, made out of CARDBOARD, for £180!!! It’s made out of bloody cardboard, for crying out loud!! How can it cost £180??? GO back to math class!!Hellooo…homeless people sleep in it..for FREE, not £180. It’s the biggest load of bollocks, i’ve heard all day!! Unless, you want to give me one for free, then yes they are DIVINE and soooo worth it!! hahahaha!!

Shit my eyes are stinging so so bad, right now, and i need to get a beery, before calling my ‘Latin Lover.’ I miss him!! It has also just turned into the windiest day ever outside!!! God is punishing me!!

Plus sized/Grannies’ and a whole lot of Pussy

Woke up this morning to the funniest commercial, in the world ever. Oh and i mean ‘funny,’ as in laughing AT it, and not ‘funny’ as in laughing WITH it.

So 3 plus size ladies, models, whatever you want to call them, were galloping around on my TV screen, in the most wretched long white FLORAL, bag like dresses, quite happily walloping around like bulls in a china shop, whilst doing the ‘John Travolta, pelvis thrust, with wiggly finger movements,’ dance move ( you know the one i mean,) during my morning coffee!! They were apparently happy, because now they can order clothes online from ‘Marisota’ or whatever,( of the baggy, floral variety)..hence the gleeful prancing. I’m not being mean or anything, but yes, WORST commercial EVER!! Who the hell came up with that??? The skinny Victoria Secret models, get the sexy commercial, with darkness, nakedness, oil dripping from their bodies, whilst they slowly writhe around in thongs, with wings. Yet the fatties, get MASSIVE baggy dresses, brigth lights,and the worst dance moves EVER, for their commercial!! I feel their pain!! It’s really not fair.

Then like my life couldn’t get any worse, i then flick the station at 11.20am, to see a GRANNY, who sells sex toys for a living, sniffing a lilac coloured GINORMOUS dildo, whilst it was merrily pulsating upwards!!!! She really was sniffing it, and making others sniff it too!! I mean, i’d never make anyone sniff mine!! (haha) This is why England is ACE, as you would never beable to see that on American TV, at 11.20 am. However, you would probably beable to see that in real life at the bottom of your west hollywood street, so who knows??? haha. I actually have no complaints about the Granny, with her dildos, she was GREATNESS, and actually use to work in a Post Office. However the fact that even Grannies are now stealing MY jobs, is somewhat upsetting!!! Like it isn’t competitive enough already!!! Anyway sadly, life really does go on!!

Oh and get this, (great morning) I managed to call into a competition line, at the same time as viewing such delights, to try and be the Winner of £13,000. I do this sometimes when i’m feeling lucky!! I guess, i must have dialed the wrong flipping number, and accidently confirmed that, I too, am a sufferer of Facial Blindness???’ I don’t know what that is?? Yet i have been blinded, many a time, by a weird  substance, shot into my face…so i don’t actually feel too bad about that!!! Maybe i’ll get some help??

Anyway, i’m going to fix myself something to eat, as i’m bored, and there’s nothing quite like, stuffing your face, out of boredom. It’s really healthy! And maybe I too can get on a ‘Marisota’ commercial. But i do really want to get a kitten. Obviously, i can’t get one as of right now, because i’m currently in England, and not back home in LA. I was at my friends place, on Sunday, i’ll call him, ‘Wish i had his house,’ and he had a cat, on a bed, called ‘Benny,’ now ofcourse, i want one. Yet, i want to name mine ‘Pussy.’ You can just Imagine!! ( ‘here Pussy, Pussy.’) Yes!!

I kind of believe that whatever name a girl gives her domestic pet cat, is the name she secretly uses for her little ‘ Bagina.’ Paris calls her’s ‘Prada.’ I call mine ‘Pussy,’ = Greatness!!!

I really am going to go right now, and make some Mclunchy. I love you, and welcome to Chrissie Wunna’s Topless Tuesday!!!

Too tired to write this

I am completely knackered and about to get some precious beauty sleep, and i definitely need it!! I’ve had a great day, a bizarre night, and now even keeping my eyes open enough to write this blog is proving to be quite difficult!!

It’s been weird, tonight. A guy, i’ll call him, ‘wish i was much nicer to him,’ was on the other end of the phone line to me, about an hour ago. I guess, i was somewhat frustrated, and i often get like that if i don’t get my own way, or if i think the other person is sloooooooow…as my brain works at full speed, even at the slowest moments!! Ofcourse, long story short, i give him the Chrissie Wunna ‘Bitch-out’ and expecting him to really not give two squirts, the phone line reaches a silence, than he hysterically bursts into tears!! It’s funny now, but at the time i felt SO bad. I didn’t know what to do? What to say? This feeling of sheer guilt kind of ran down me,and he just wouldn’t stop crying, out loud, and for AGES!!! Plus, I’m really shit during those awkward, ‘made a boy cry, now what do i do,’ moments!! I think, i actually shouted at him, some more, (and i need to be slapped in the face with a kipper, for it,) yet now it’s all good, as we’ve picked up the pieces, and glued are relationship back together…luckily!!! We’re all smiles!!

So i guess i’m learning to not take my frustration out on others, and to think about things before they spew out of my mouth!! This is all very new to me!!! But whatever, i’ll get there…. someday???

I need to go to bed, i can’t stay up anymore. My dad go so drunk he passed out on the living room floor, infront of a portable heater, my mum has just given me a lecture on the dangers of drinking, and i’ve just realised that relaxing in England is SOOOOO diiferent to relaxing in Hollywood.

Relaxing in LA, is GREATNESS, because during you’re ‘nothing to do’ phase, you can bathe in the sun, drink peach margaritas, talk to the gays and swim in your friends pool, after having sushi and a hot boy for lunch. Yet, in England, relaxing is quite ‘blah’. All you can do, is work on your career, make tea and then maybe hope Eastenders is on, or something? But whatever, i’m happy!!! It could be worse! I need ot get back to work. I am missing LA though!!

Shit i’m tired and a plastic bag reading: ‘fill up your tank with fuel and your cupboards with a range of everyday essentials,’ just flew into my face and blinded me. How not very glamour puss!!

I need to slip out of these clothes and slip into my sheets, Nighty night my cheekies!!! xx