Topless Tuesday & dirty google searches

Morning my Pretties!! How are you today?? I am feeling fabulous, divine, the Queen of all Queens, and looking forward to another magnificent day of ‘Taking over the world.’ (evil evil laugh) But on a more serious note, really I am!!! My website hits have been tremendous, thanks to YOU my sexy little whorey boys, thanks to ‘The Wizard of Waz,’ ( we praise him, as he holds the strings to this operation, wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him,) thanks to ME …obviously for getting my ‘Na na’s’ out, and the good lord, for blessing me with such a talent and finally major thanks to GOOGLE!!!

Okay so every morning, when the Princess rises from her chamber, after counting her gold coins in the parlour, and picking out diamonds to gracefully adorn…i check my morning email!!! I get a lot so it take ages. Anyway, it was brought to my attention this morning, that my HITS (website, not contract Hitman)were mainly all from ‘Chrissie Wunna’ google searches.’ So yes, people are googling, Chrissie Wunna Zoo, FHM, (blah blah,) and get this… ‘Fannies and Cum!!’ Someone searched, ‘Fannies and Cum,’ and up popped ‘Chrissie Wunna!!’ Wow!! hahahahaha, it’s the most hilarious thing i’ve heard all morning!! AND, that’s not even the best of it, some poor horny bloke, typed in, ‘Cum, and Easter Bunny.’ ( whoever he is, He’s my favourite!! You totally win a blowjob!!) Searches are great, i’m apparently one of the top tag searches on the Daily Star, delicately wedged inbetween, ‘Afghanistan, and Darren hayes,’ (haha)Super Stardom beckons, my child!! Shit i still haven’t had my morning cuppa joe, yet!

I have a busy day, of grooming and planning out my shoots, yet more importantly it is and once again, TOPLESS TUESDAY!!!! So later you’re in for a treat!! However, i must fly off right now, and tend to my grooming, but just so you know…

I LOVE YOU!!! xxx

The ‘bedroom’ in my slanted eyes

Rubber Bands were invented today!!! Really they were, by a dude named ‘Steve Perry,’ or something??? So, if you’re at work, or in the middle of a ‘really boring, but having to pretend you’re listenning’ type conversation. You can bring that little bit of random knowledge up, and state that it’s a 100%, valid enough reason, for everybody to be at the pub right now getting blotto…. to celebrate!!! WE LOVE RUBBER BANDS!!!

As you can tell, i’m a whole lot better now. Infact GLORIOUS!! Let’s get cocktails!! And i think that, when i write my blog, too early in the morning ( as in, when i’ve just risen from my sheets,) i’m usuallly quite grumpy, (not a morning person) therefore it makes me seem as though i need serious anger management sessions.  But i don’t i promise, (well only when i’m angry..ha.)

Just so you know, i’m a happy go lucky Glamour Puss and for those that too, wake up quite grumpily, in the morning…all you need to remember is that someone,  somewhere has it a lot ‘SHITTER’ than you, and Thank GOD for that ‘someone, somewhere,’ as they sure as hell made Me feel good about myself again, today!!!

So i’m back, armed with serious ‘Va Voomage’, and nothing is going to get in my way, of cheeky chappy happiness, without getting a sharp stiletto heel pierced into it’s soul. ‘OOH Laaa.!’ I kind of wish i was at a hotel right now, grabbing a night cap, even though it’s the daytime. Don’t know why??? But in LA, Hotels are great places to get your McCrunk on. I think it’s just the revolving cast of delicious males you can flirt with. I like new people, new faces, new room keys (haha) It excites me!! It gives me the wiggles, and the ‘OOH laa,’ in my eyes!!

I love eyes!! Obviously because it means, the boy in question can usually SEE, and My eyes, although a little slanted (hee! hee!), are my pretty little champions!! A couple years ago a friend and I tested them out, on some poor boy, that had been chosen to be my rebound, for the evening, to help me get over some other handsome, underwear model!! I hadn’t said a single word to him ALL evening, yet we had been watching him (yay to stalking,) and plotting our ‘POUNCE!’ I don’t usually like to ‘Plot’ as i’m too rebellious, to go along with any sort of  ‘Plotting.’ I’m more of a ‘heat of the moment,’ type girl, and i am NOT shy. But long story short, he was playing pool, i went to the toilet (which was obviously via his eyeline…otherwise the ‘plot’-thing would have been pointless..hahaha.) I come out of the toilet, in little red dress, ignore him, (even though, i know he’s staring at me. ) I wait until i get quite a ways past him. Then I stop, look back, (he’s looking right at me,) and i give him the dirtiest, hottest, ‘come to bed’ eyes, anyone has EVER seen. Then after 5 seconds i glide off….( and piss myself laughing to my friend, with a beer, who claims, my eyes were SHITE!)

Not that ‘SHITE!!!’ Boy comes ‘accidently on purpose,’ sauntering around to my table, sits himself down, randomly, and starts making conversation with me, beginning with the famous, ‘Don’t i know you from somewhere,’ line. (Champion!!!) Anyway, he then spoils it, by dedicating every kareoke love song, in the world ever to me. Whilst i shout, ‘I don’t F**king like you!!’ (hahaha) Then forces me to ‘slow dance’ with him, (Jesus Christ!!) And later produces a Sex tape….. 200 points to him, end of story, moving on…..hahaha

Yeah, i hate eyes!

Sad Face/Chris Fountain/ and my boobs

Woke up, drinking coffee, had a little cry this morning ( she weeps), and after a few hundred nightmares, a tough time eating, and a dodgey emotional rollercoaster, i’m actually not doing too badly. Infact i’m doing GREAT considering!

I’ve had a lot on my plate over the last couple days, well not literally, as for some reason i can’t eat (haha), and i suppose i just needed to let out some tension…hence the weeping. It really does make you feel better, try it!! My ‘Latin Lover’ is currently ‘fobbing’ me off, which translates as, i asked him to pay for something that was very important to me, he gave me the old, ‘Yeah, yeah, definitely, you’re my everything,’ line, then suddenly, and just like magic, disappeared!! Don’t get me wrong, i mean , he does give me the odd, ‘Sorry, i didn’t email you, i was busy,’ courtesy check in. Yet, as we all know, busy turns into.. too busy, which further turns into a ‘Houdini’ disappearing act, and then suddenly, and because they’re terribly lonely a new oriental face is gracing the otherside of their pillow, and wearing your fucking accessories!! (hahaha) Why doesn’t my love life every go right??

Enough of that!! So ‘FOUNTAIN’ didn’t WIN!! I am gutted, as he definitely deserved too!! That blond ‘Here’say’ girl needs to get her eyes scratched out….by horny monkeys!!UGH!! Dancing on Ice, is my only, time to really chill, ( apart from when i’m partying like a Rockstar, yet that’s not chilling, its ‘Showtime.’), therefore even my ‘happy happy chill time,’ decided to explode in my face, as ‘Here’say,’ blondy takes the trophy home!! GUTTED!! Monkeys!! (scratch, scratch.)

I’m really missing the sunny sun of LA, but only because my tan needs a bloody decent top up. I want to get back to LA, lay by a pool for two weeks solid, bake ferociously, until i DIE of sun stroke, then luckily come back to life immediately, and with a Peach Margarita in my hand, and a Hottie passing me his number!! (haha) Having to Boots fake tan, EVERY single night, for a shoot, is WAY less glamourous. Plus, it’s starting to get tedious, and very VERY messy. Everything i touch, has a splurge of gooey orange shimmer slime on it, and i have to run around the house naked, whilst sipping cups of tea, waiting for it to dry. All i need is the bloody, ‘Benny HIll,’ theme tune playing and i’m all set!!

OOh so… i think ( and thanx to my Wizard) some booby piccy’s have been put up, for the pleasure of you Darling boys, or girls?? (I guess, not really girls, cos all they want to do is call me ‘Slag’, and steal my accessories …hahaha) Enjoy!! Enjoy!!!

Anyway, i’ve got to go and shout at my mignons!!! I think they miss me!! (whip sound, whip sound.)

Monks/Ice and beckhams 9incher

So hard boiled sweets, sucking candy, is supposed to be SUCKED upon, and not CHOMPED on, okay!!!! Therefore if another person, comes near me with a bag of ‘suck’em on’ candy, and starts CHOMPING visciously, they WILL get bitched slapped!! Just needed to let that out!

Went to a burmese Peace Pagoda today, which is basically a buddhist temple, with orange robed monks, who bless you, when you need blessing!! I couldn’t help but notice that the Burmese monk, that was blessing Me, was adorning, the whole orange robe shabam, plus ‘Homer Simpson,’ slippers!!! I’m confused??? How am i supposed to get to Nirvana or wherever, when my monk is wearing ‘Homer Simpson,’ slippers!! But nevermind, i’m sure it’s all good. I also got a band to wear around my wrist for good luck, and protection. It has kind of got tangled inbetween my diamonds, (ugh!) yet whatever, i’ll rock it anyway, since they spent so much time praying on it. I also got bored half way through the meditation chant thing, as i didn’t know what they were saying, so i decided to give the girl next to me a french manicure. Came out really nice!! haha! And it’s not as if anyone noticed anyway, as they all had their eyes closed.

I’ve got to write this blog quick, as it’s vital i watch Chris Fountain win Dancing on Ice, (my favourite show) just incase, he wants to wiggle his hot little ‘bajonga’ (don’t know where that came from) skating arse, in my direction!! oooh-laaaa!!! Mama loves you!!!

Not much else has happened today, as its Sunday, but i am about to grab a beer really quickly and whilst  i do, lets all mourn for poor Victoria Beckham, who wants to be back in England, because she misses her mum. Awww…! As if!! We all know thats just code for, tried to be a Spice Girl again, and it failed miserable, because EVERYONE is OVER crap songs like Wannabe, plus i’m not remotely famous in america and now my hot husband is in LA, and all the young glittery hollywood totty, seems to  be all up on his 9 incher and then some, whilst I…(wait for it)..keep trying to sing crap songs like ‘Wannabe!’ Take your own advice, and ‘STOP right now!!’ (thankyou very much!) Just be his ‘not so’ Posh  wife, and be happy for godsake!!

And on that note, i shall love you and leave you!!!

Kisses

Much better now bitches!

Feeling much much better!! I think i slipped into a bit of a funk, for a few hours, yet now i am happy as can be…and it had nothing to do with the Stella, right next to me!!

I was a bit upset because i thought my ‘Latin lover,’ was dodging me, but it just so happens, that he’s not, and i am still the Queen of all things Great!!

I’ve just watched ‘Ant n Dec’s take-away’ show thing, and Dec’s a bit of a hottie p’tottie, i’d like to take ‘him’ away for a bit of a McRumble! So is Chris Fountain, that Dancing on Ice dude, with the ‘Living La Vida Loca,’ hips!!! I’ve always thought the boys in LA we’re much much hotter, yet the boys in England, were much more down to earth. However, you’re starting to prove me WRONG!!! I think, i’m super attracted to ‘Talent,’ and Britain, seems to hold some of the most talented young boys in the world EVER!!! Gimme, gimme, gimme!! I’m boy crazy right now ( sorry Rudes), as i haven’t had a proper, ‘how’s ya Father session,’ in ages!!!!! Therefore you have to excuse my unlady like behaviour!!

Ooh it’s dinner time i have to go!! I love you, and Stay tuned, my Darlings!!!

Lost

So shopping wasn’t too great today!! Pointless really, all i got, ( and strictly out of boredom,) was another hair dryer, a hair straightner, and probably a cold. Infact, i was so perky, before i went, yet on my way to Doncaster ( which is where i shopped,) i started to feel a bit down, a bit out of place, and a bit like i should be in LA! I get like this sometimes, bare with me!!

Don’t get me wrong, i LOVE Yorkshire, and i adore the lady that tries to sell me 6 oranges for £1, in the market place, the cups of tea, the people, the happy warmth in the air, the smiles, the pubs, everything!! Yet ever since i was 9 or 10, i’ve always known there was something more than Yorkshire, in store for me, and that place was Hollywood. I always said, ever since being, i think 10 yrs old, that i would move to Hollywood, and become a star!!! Yu can ask ANYONE i went to school with!! So when i was 21, ( made sure i was of US legal drinking age…lol,) I did, and it turned out to be the best thing i had ever done!!!

I guess, i just went down good old memory lane today, as everything around me reminded me, of being a child. It was funny!! I actually stood in the same spot, i stood in 15 years ago , where i had WISHED i would move to Hollywood, as a child. It made me fill up, and i have no idea why??? I certainly, had no idea, that i would end up getting my dream, let alone becoming part of the Hollywood scenery.

Work has been good to me here, and I’m so glad, i’ve managed to come back to England, for a few months, to revisit my past. I needed it, as Hollywood was starting to swallow me up. I feel as though in Yorkshire, i can just be a kid again, walk down the street without everyone staring at me, see my old friends and not have a million dudes ‘Holla’ at me on the street every 2 seconds!!! I have peace. Yet in good old ‘Chrissie Wunna’ style, peace begins to bore me, so I’m ready to get my arse back to the City of Angels!!! I’m excited!! ( which is funny as i actually, emailed someone today, telling them, i didn’t miss it at all…hahaha.) I think there’s just something about that town, a magic, a Va voom, and YES it is RIDICULOUS, but like i always say, it’s home to a very certain breed of people. I guess, the misfits of the world!! hahaha! And i am certainly one of them!!

Anyway, enough of the seriously stuff, as it’s making me feel depressed!!! lol! A dude tried to sell me a german salami,  a kangeroo burger, and a Russian doll, all at the same time today!!! He wouldn’t stop bugging me, so i ended up buying a kangeroo burger, for £3.00 and making my baby brother eat it!!

I need a beer… i guess since i have a hair straightner, i should straighten my hair???

Rock, Roll n stockings…

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I’ve had a rock and roll kind of morning and it’s not even 10.30 am yet!! This photos by DV8, it was the first shot of the session, and i complained that the ‘flash’ was sooooo bright, (seriously it could have lit up a whole 3rd world country,) that it not only blinded me, yet made me hallucinate for about 4 hrs!! He changed it, we smoked 4 cigarettes, and then we started all over again!!! GREATNESS!!!

Live and Let Die and WAY more coffee

Woke up this morning after a late night, to the rather dramatic, ‘Live and let die,’ song!! Don’t know why, but it was blasting out loud at approx. 8am, and it made me feel as though, i had stepped out of my soiled sheets, and stepped straight into a Bond movie! It was actually AWESOME or very very sad, i just can’t seem to decide???? Yet since i’m the Queen of all things GREAT, i’ll go with ‘better than waking up to some random hungover dude,’ right?? (beer goggles rock!!)I think, how you wake up in the morning is oh so important. Therefore, now i feel bad for always waking up my ex-husband, by jumping up and down on the bed repeatedly, whilst screaming, and playing crap songs as loud as i could.

Anyway, i’m feeling wonderful today, and i’m about to go shopping. It’s dreadfully foggy outside, yet the fog never seems to bother me. I once drove to a fashion show quite safely, in the thickest of fogs. I almost smashed into 4 cars, yet i dodged them like a champion, at the very last minute….i think??? But the point is, if i can drive in the dark, in most horrid fog, i can carry a few hundred shopping bags through it  with a smile on my face and steal a few things!! (tut, tut, Winona.)

My coffee hasn’t kicked in yet, so i’m sorry if this blog isn’t quite ‘all that,’yet if you are complaining that my blog is shite, then you can F*** off!! YOU try waking up to James Bond music!! haha!

I’m feeling like a ‘Star’ today, and although my love life is the shambles. (I haven’t actually seen my ‘Latin Lover’ in 3 months now,) my career is blooming. I guess, thats how the story goes… I remember how he always use to complain that i never cooked. Yet, he’s a bloody CHEF!!! If you didn’t want to flipping cook for me, for the rest of your entire life, then you should’ve decided to get your boobs out, for a living, and not go to CULINARY school. He’s the only Chef i know, that hates cooking!! hahaha!

Anyway, i’ve got to go and make breakfast. I can’t concentrate on blog writing, right now, as i have a million people around me fussing, bitching and yelling.  I hate it when people yell around me. If you’re about to have a giant arguement, and i’m around you, PLEASE take your drama, into another space. It pisses me off!!! Yet, if i’m yelling, i want everyone to stay and listen!!!

Not a good way to wake up…. i need more coffee!

Easter Bunny Bitch

So spring has sprung, Easter is on it’s way, and i have just been informed that at this time 20 years ago, i was being fooled into giving my bottle to the Easter Bunny.

In case you’re not with me on this one, i sucked on my baby bottle, from being born, until i was 7 yrs old!! haha! I did!! I was never breast fed, as my mum claims, she tried to put her boob in my mouth, from her lowly hospital bed, and i immediatley shunned her nipple, whilst saying, ‘ Um, no bitch, please!’ Therefore, a baby bottle, full of milky formula, was wedged into my mouth, and i guess, i enjoyed noshing it SO much, ( yes sir, neck it girl) that i just couldn’t give it up!! Hence, my current ‘cock-sucky’ lips, and it still being in my mouth at 7 years old!!! And i do have ‘cocky sucky lips’ ask Rudes! When i have them (my lips) done up, and i strut around Hollywood, well 3rd and La Cienega. Men will stare at my mouth intensely, and it’s almost as if, they are about to jab their Mcjuicy into my lippage, due to a force beyond their means!!! It’s hilarious!! I call them my secret weapons!!

Anyway, back to Easter. I loved Easter bunny, as there was always some giant ‘hoo-harr,’ like magical giant bunny feet, from my bed, to my presents, or whatever, and i had promised my mother, that today was the day, I was going to pass on my bottle ( already had a drinking problem at 7) and fetish, to the Easter Bunny’s Bitch.

So i took it from my sloppy (ooooh) mouth, passed it to a ginormous (yayur!)  man, who smiled at my mother, and placed it into the back of his massive (Mmmmm…) truck thing.

Which translates as, she flipping made me, give up my bottle, (sucky sucky teet, teet)  to a dirty dustbin man (trash collector), who lobbed it into the back of his  van, (dirty bastard) and drove off. UGH!!! See rehab was much easier then. You just confiscated the goods, threw them into the back of your van, and whilst your driving off, you gave’em the old razzle dazzle middle McFlip off!! ( Say no to crack Amy Winehouse!!)

Sad boring story, i know, and i don’t quite know what posessed me to tell it, but there you go….Happy flipping Days!!! I should ruin Easter for everyone, and give all childrens bottles to Bin men to chuck out. Yet, i’m sure there’s not that many, 13% retarded, 7 year olds, like moi, still on the teet drip. ( note: if you do so happen to be a 7yr old, still on your bottle and reading this. You are not retarded, just ‘Special,’ like me.)

 Now go out and get wasted, whilst i go prim and prune, in the Wunna Mansion!!! It’s time for a drinky and some fun fun fun!!

Love you my Darlings!!