I’ve filmed all day & it’s almost felt like a euphoric bliss. I don’t know what’s happening to me right now? It’s almost like a glorious gather of lucky stars have hovered above me and are shining..no…beaming some kinda magical light upon my world.
I feel really close to ‘Dreams Come True.’ I shouldn’t say that, because simply living life, with my babies everyday IS a dream come true. It really is.
Yet, I’m feeling really lucky and somewhat powerful right now. That power is self love and a confidence that at 39… is irrepressible. I’m pretty happy,
But i think I’m just in mild shock because as things are steadily changing (again,) yet certainly for the better, this time…It’s almost overwhelming. I can’t believe it? But why can’t I? I’ve worked so incredibly hard to get here & baby step up…It’s taken focus, sacrifice, years…Why can’t I believe it?
If I was going to tell you something about me, i’d tell you that in my life so many incredibly terrible things have happened to me. You’d be shocked. Anything that you could think of has or nearly has occurred…to the point where that fear, ain or panic was felt, conquered and overcome with love. I don’t know how I managed it? But I did.
I was never alone. I have the most wonderful family. I’m really lucky.
I’ve always lived by the fact that good things happen to good people. All you need is love. That’s always what I had!!
The bad things made me feel human. The conquering of them made me feel like a Queen.
However, at the same time….the most AMAZING things have happened to me in my life. The most believabley, joyous moments of happiness, luck and dreams come true!! I would never have believed it as a little girl. I envisioned it everyday. But I dunno? I well no…as a little Burmese girl, from Doncaster, I believed it would happen.
As I got older there were times or moments where I gave in. But I found my track…and with a smile I galloped onward with my heart in the right place.
Right now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m most together I’ve ever felt. Ruby and Junior feel on top of the world. Work is brimming with excitement. (I’ve ‘booked’ so much this last week, only to ‘book’ two more films this week? It’s crazy! It’s incredible. I’m so so grateful. I just can’t believe it!)
My love life….It’s exactly the same as always.
I don’t really pay much attention to it anymore, because it doesn’t seem to make my priority list? I don’t feel lonely. I don’t feel unloved or lost.
I feel happy. I feel full!
I don’t know whether it’s because I don’t let people in or whether I’m too picky or if they’re just not the right person?
Obviously on my ‘socials’ I have quite an eager male following and I love it. I’m very flattered. I like that they’re there. It feels good to wake up every morning and read through their comments.
Sure I’ve been in dodgy situations before. I’ve had real life stalkers who accidentally become infactuated. It was really bad. It was almost like they had travelled to a dark place in their mind and they’d become addicted. I wasn’t a person to them anymore. I was a drug, a prize, a trophy, a project. They saw me as lots of things…but not a person.
And I’m not talking ‘ooh, let’s look at a few pics and stalk her on insta.’ I’m talking real like following me through my day, posting crazy notes through my letterbox. Once I got off a train, and removed my faux fur coat, on the platform. I tucked it under my arm and my phone ‘pinged.’
It was a text that read,
‘Yeah…it is kinda warm today, isn’t it.’
I didn’t know the number. I didn’t know who it was… I didn’t know how they got my number?
For ages, I had to be kept safe.
But that was a long time ago.
Now things are different. Things are glorious. They’re lovely. I feel strong. I’m well balanced. I get it. I get life. I understand myself, what I stand for. I’m really comfortable in my own skin. Almost too comfortable these days. Lol.
Life is good. I’m filming. The rest of the year is exciting. I’m ready to turn 40 in December. The babies are happy and working.
I have luck and life on my side, right now. I feel really focused. I’ve really knuckled down when it comes to work and filled Wunna land with absolute love. Ruby, Junior and I are beaming!
I have a very serious situation happening in October. The kids and I are ready for it! I will have a lot to say afterward. However just not now. So ‘be learnt a lot of things from this particular situation. Hundreds of things.
However, what i’ll tell you is that some people because of the experiences that have occurred in their own life choose to dance in the darkness. Others choose to dance in the light.
I’m not on this Earth to dwell in anger or self pity. I’m not that person. I’m filled with love and I’m here to inspire, create and make people feel, love and smile.
That’s my superpower. That’s my strength.
Today has been great and right now life feels just so wonderful!
It’s 6.48am. I’m laid in bed. My rooms all gloomy. Somewhat dark? It’s raining outside. It’s misty. It’s grey. The droplets on my windows are rushing down endlessly. The sky is undisturbed, almost like a smokey, off white canvas…awaiting some kind of story.
I think there’s a storm coming…The rain’s getting heavier, the patters are getting stronger.
Just before my eyes opened today I dreamt of numbers. This happens to me all the time. I’m quite a spiritual person, so I always Google their meanings if their prominent in my dream.
I dreamt of the number ‘5,’ the number ‘1’ and then they were positioned as ‘15.’ It’s all good. It feels great. Their meanings bring absolutely joy and almost relief to my heart. Lol
I’m going through a lot right now and for the first time in years I can tell you that it’s 92% positive!!!
Thank fuck for that! Haha!
There have been times when I’ve just hit *pause* and pondered at a loss, not knowing where I was going, what I was doing…or what on Earth was happening?. 🙂 These days, well right now, things are really different. It technically shouldn’t be because we’ve all been through a crazy 2020 ‘lockdown?’ But in this present moment, I’ve got my shit together. Life is good! I almost can’t believe it.
I’m really lucky to have so many people in my life showing me such love & support. You need it. If you don’t have it, don’t worry, be your own fire!
So yeah, it’s miserable outside. The storm’s about to make sure of that, but this morning, regardless…I woke up EXCITED! My soul’s filled with joy, I’m happy and I can’t wait to start my day…
This is the month in my life where everything changed for the better. It’s been nuts. But I’m so grateful. It’s made everything I’ve ever felt, worked for or experienced worth it.
It’s the month that changed my life and it’s felt so good that almost anything negative has weirdly just been dissolved away by happiness. But the real kind that calmly glows deep down in your soul. It’s internally beams, as opposed to the sudden rush or flicker of excitement. (Which is still great, yet not stable, lasting or strong.)
Yesterday was great. Early in the day the kids and I had life to conquer. However, we did it and instead of them feeling burdened with unnecessary stress, I asked them what they wanted to do to feel good?
Ruby: ‘I just want to be with you. Shall we just head somewhere and get lunch. I kinda want to buy a colouring book?’
(I always tell you how creative she is. But i’ll literally walk into her room and she’ll be colouring, or waiting for a freshly painted canvases to dry, whilst she’s moulding something out of putty, reading poetry and designing outfits for dolls. Lol. She loves the simply creative pleasures in life. Yet at the same time she adores ‘boujiness.’ A life of luxury. That 5 * quality. So she’s either really simple or really expensive, yet nothing in between ever. Haha. She had the soul of a gypsy, but the ambition of a Queen.)
Junior: ‘I want to go into Leeds and eat somewhere nice.’
(Junior’s our joy. We couldn’t know a more thoughtful human being. He’s certainly ‘babied’ and gets everything he wants based on cuteness. Haha. Yet he’s so grounded and caring. He thinks about everything logically. Yet he’s fair and kind. He’s really emotional and someone who’ll silently cry when he’s happy, or heartbroken. At home he’s a ‘showman.’ Fun! Alive! He’s ambitious and inspires to be in charge of things. Away from prying eyes, he’s LOVES to sing, dance and act. He loves it…and probably more than Ruby. No one would ever think that!)
Anyway! Sorry! We ended up at Blue Sakura, Leeds…and we loved it! It’s all you can eat Japanese food & sushi (you order off an iPad, and it’s brought to you, so you don’t have to get up and do anything, which I like…a lot.) We’ve been before, but every time the kids go, they love it.
So today I’ve got an audition, but for something more fun, than serious, so I’m excited!
I was meant to shoot pics today, but it’s chucking it down? I’ll still try though. The lighting is however shocking.
Then I’m gonna try and Tiktok. I’ve had to neglect it for a couple weeks simply because I’ve been busy working and there’s just hasn’t been time for it. So I’m giving it time today and showing you all some Tiktok love!
Once I hit ‘publish’ I’ve done my blog…so that’s off the ‘to do’ list and I kinda want some neon sliders and a T-shirt with a roaring lions head on it? Where can I get them?
Yesterday I was chatting to Rob, (my agent) and it’s crazy because there’s some really exciting projects that are now opening up to me as opportunities …and I don’t know how I’ve managed to get so far, in what feels like such a short time? I’m still in shock, but delighted and just going with it. I’m so grateful!!
Obviously due to last week, we now have a whole bunch of scheduling to organise, because everything that I’ve auditioned for and ‘booked’ I want to fit in & do. Plus, the scripts that have l been sent through or offered…Well the stories that I love, I certainly want to be a part of. I’m still auditioning, so more work keeps being added AND now the babies are working. Plus, I think he still has a dazzle of negotiating & pitching to tango with…and well I can ever say ‘no’ to the things that make me happy!
He went through this years ‘goals’ with me yesterday and smiled. I was so excited!
Mum: ‘This is it Chrissie. You’re on your way now..’
(She smiled. I like it when my mum smiles.)
That guy that shouted at me at The Botanist messaged me AGAIN to wish me well. I didn’t reply. I ghosted it. I don’t mind people messaging at all. Yet, he just hasn’t made a very good impression at all.
Good friend J: ‘You don’t need to reply to anything. He has closure. You said everything you needed to say that evening…very clearly. There’s nothing more to say. It’s a technique he’s using to try and find an opening.’
‘I’m not even thinking about it. I’m so busy right now and it just feels so negative. I cba. I don’t even know him? This is my life. Haha.’
I forgot to tell you! I created an Amazon wish list the other day. Not one where you force people to purchase. Haha. That’s why I haven’t posted it anywhere. . I mean I can buy my own bunny slippers….just 😉
But I cannot even tell you how therapeutic it began to feel, whenever I hit the ‘add to wish list,’ button. You should try it? At first I didn’t care. Not at all. I’m not aroused by ‘ stuff’ …..at first…Haha. 😉 By item 5, it was almost so satisfying in a peaceful, greedy way? I couldn’t stop? I loved it!
I have the most RANDOM list. It has all sorts on there, like pink netbooks, a Hugh Hefner dressing down, Bunny slippers, retro T-shirt’s, corsets…poetry day books.
Ruby: ‘Why are you adding a Roman godde cosplay outfit? Haha?’
‘I don’t know? I just really want it! :)’
‘Can I add something?’
‘No. It’s my wish list. Not yours.’
‘Haha…I love you Mama.’
Anyway, I hope you have an absolutely beautiful day!
What an absolutely delightful week! Fair enough, we’re on Monday now, so new excitement is due to begin. However, last week (and I’m not one to dwell on the past, because I believe it’s unhealthy for a forward moving soul,) was AMAZING!
Okay, so…I had a giant audition week, last week. I felt really focused, really happy, truly inspired & well I decided to work really hard (which I actually find pretty easy.)
I was booked on 7 auditions (which is a jolly good amount, after thumb twiddling through the ‘lockdown.’ People who aren’t actors reckon you just kinda read a bunch of words off a page. But that’s not the case at all. It’s a lot of work. A whole lot of emotion. Yet a whole lot of joy! Plus, when there’s 7 different scripts, 7 different characters and 7 different ‘feels,’ it can certainly be a challenge to tinker with!
I ended up ‘booking’ 4 of them!!! What!?! As if!! I’m over the moon. I’m still waiting to hear on one. One that I really want. But they’re all films…because I guess that’s my niche now? It’s actually funny how your niche finds you. I always thought it was the other way around?
Anyway…I’m bubbling over with that kitten ‘joie du vivre.’ (I still always get so excited! I’m like a little girl, trying to embrace a 39 year olds, manner, busy and stance.)
But that’s some cracking results!!!! Haha.
I’m happy. My agents happy. The kids are happy! My mums happy! We’re all happy! It’s almost like a surge of good luck, that has been splodged in joy has overcome us!
Obviously I’ve worked with quite a few people of recent, so away from auditioning I actually had ‘meetings,’ where i thankfully (lol) don’t have to read…and on top of the 4 bookings…I was politely offered 2 feature films. (I be obviously accepted both.)
Eh? It’s just magically nuts! I can’t believe it! How has this happened?
It takes me back to years ago when I was pounding the Hollywood pavement with my headshot in hand and my resume stapled to the back of it. I loved those years. The innocence. The cringeworthy pain of moments. The glint in my eye. The time before lessons were learnt!
I actually still have the same enthusiasm. However, since then life happened. A whole bunch of shit & bad choices happened for years…However luckily that ‘shit’ 100% made me a better actor! 🙂 Both because I wanted to do better for myself and because you can’t cheat life experience…it comes through in your work.
Anyway…alongside all that…The babies, Ruby (she’s currently asleep with Minnie Mouse ears on her head) & Junior, both signed to a tv & film agent, got their little selves on ‘Spotlight,’ did 2 Self Tape auditions immediately after…Booked 1….and are waiting to hear on another that they only did yesterday.
But anyway…enough of the work jargon! On Friday after the wonderous hard work week , around 3pm I got a bad news text. The funny thing is that I was so filled with audition adrenaline, that it ‘hit’ me different. I was kinda too happy, (an emotion that makes us much stronger as humans) to be AT ALL bothered to absorb it.
I acknowledged it. I felt it. But then it bounced off me, after around 15 mins. I figure that’s the way to deal with personal bad news because I felt more positive than I ever had.
It was almost like I had too much ‘good’ going on, for the negative blops to be remotely relevant. That took some learning. Yet everything’s going to be okay! Roll on Oct 20th…(This is a really important date for me.)
I had a couple days off to chill, so my ‘socials’ were lacking. It didn’t bother me. Life with the babies was far grander, yet I respect my online audience (I hate it when people don’t because it’s the new way of the world,) so during moments of peace, after being out and about, lunching, shopping and loving every minute with my two little bumpkins, I eased into more comfy entire, hit record, danced for 15 seconds and posted on my Tiktok & Insta.
Weirdly my most comfy attire is when I just have bra and knickers on, or nothing but a kimono, joggers and a bikini top…just a bikini. That’s kinda how I chill at home always. So it’s so strange to me when people question my chosen attire for any of my social videos…because if anything I’ve put MORE clothes ON to shoot the dang video!?! Lol
Like yesterday I ran Ruby’s ‘intagalic’ bath in that red lingerie, one piece that I did my Brandy video to. In Wunna land…that is perfectly normal. No-one would even flinch. However I’m noticing that it’s not normal in other households maybe? Haha
I received a random Twitter DM from ‘Dbear.’ It just read ‘Hey you. X’
I didn’t really say much but ’Hope ya well.’ He’s a good guy, yet his world is filled with… I guess…problems. He’ll always be a great friend. I hope he finds his happy place.
Then that dude who was rude to me whilst I was at The Botanist…sent me 2 dms and 3 videos…again trying to apologise.
But I just remember that moment as clear as day. I remember everything he said. The way he reacted and tried to manipulate the situation to his benefit. His insecurity called me a ‘temptress.’ He called me aggressive when I stood up for myself. He tried to play the victim. But good when you’re a grown up. He was an emotional mess. I don’t like people like that.
I mean there was even a point where (hahaha) he had watched a show that I was on. A reality show… Blah. Blah. Blah. Anyway…I was given a scripted line to deliver, that wasn’t true to my actual reality. But it’s a show…I’m actor. So I did my job & delivered the line.
He didn’t know that line was scripted, so had no relevance to my actual real life…But he tried to use it, during our disagreement, in order to manipulate me. In that moment, it was the fact tgar he underestimated my intelligence that pissed me off. Like I’d fall for that?
Don’t because silly!
I ignored all dms, all videos…’Sorry’ doesn’t cut it. People can say ‘Sorry’ until their blue in the face. Realistically it’s just a word.
I’m actually by nature a soft person. So I’m quite laid back. Therefore IF you’ve pissed me off, (and I’m never Pissed off) you have properly done well at offending me.
Luckily straight after his DM’s a Wunna fan voluntarily sent naked pictures of themself to me, whilst holding my picture in their hands… Haha. I must have the most astonishing inbox. Anyway it shone light and giggles on a rather miserable situation. It was like a happy, high kicking ‘can can’ of a finale!
I have the best fans! I love you all. Genuinely! You all make me laugh, be it merry or moderately disturbing! Lol
Then I missed ‘Ry.’ He’s in OKC. (Which is Oklahoma City, Incase your shit at abrievations I’ve moi.) At least Ryan’s sane. He’s almost like a distant breath of fresh air. Imagine still managing to be a breath of fresh air even when ya miles away.
This week, i made a lot of new creative connections this week! It’s been brilliant to cross paths with so many talented people within the industry! I’ve chatted away and loved it! Be they directors, writer, artists….It’s just been phenomenal! I hope to work with them all in the future! It’s such a satisfying buzz! I love that they share the same passions! It’s a dream.
Oh my gosh! Then I came across ‘Charity Shop Sue!’
Tim Chesney (The Director) had posted something lovely about ‘Series of Light.’ I’ve joined the cast for Series 2, so it popped up on my ‘socials.’
This was at around 6.45am yesterday morning. I’m laid in bed in my pants and lilac kimono, with a smart water and 3 boxed Marks & Sparks macaroons on my bed side table.
Then oh my god, all of a sudden, after various finger pokes and scrolls, I find myself watching ‘Charity Shop Sue’ for the first time. (I know, I’m late to this.)
Holy fuck! I watched the whole damn thing. The whole of Series 1, yesterday morning at 7.27am in bed, in my kimono, as the Yorkshire sunshine shine through my window and I was laughing so hard, I was crying!
I haven’t laughed like that’s in ages. I’m obsessed. I’m hooked. I’m delighted. But I’ve watched it all now! Haha.
I mean, that has got to be one of the FUNNIEST shows that my soul has ever absorbed online!
It’s done so well! It’s produced, shot & delivered so perfectly. The talent and the cast are out of this world! The acting was outstanding…and what I could tell from watching the show was the sincere amount of love everyone involved had for it and each other. It shines through. You can feel it.
So obviously being me I had to tell everyone how much I adored it. I posted it everywhere! I followed the cast! I chatted to Director Tim. (We actually had a great chat because once I love something I always feel that I have to congratulate the creators! Lol. I can’t help it.)
He was so sweet, so genuine & well he said that I made his weekend, which always makes me beam! It was like my words meant so much to him!
I sent ‘Charity Shop Sue’ (I mean what a talent…I mean at this point of ‘fan girling’ I want ‘Sue’ to give me a ‘Tuke’ makeover.) I added all the cast I could find & sent them some Twitter love! (Love you Sheree!)
It just made my Sunday complete. I was filled with utter joy & it’s the smallest moments, that lead to other tiny moments, that create a result…that can simply fill your entire world with absolute happiness!
Morning everyone. It’s 7.09am, Yorkshire, England. The sun is beaming through my window. I don’t have curtains, so it’s bright! There’s a 0% Heineken bottle on my bedside, that I didn’t bother to drink last night..and Junior’s fast asleep, next to me..in a Bugs Bunny eye mask. One that has gel pads in, to stop his eyes from getting puffy. It has bunny ears sticking out of the top of it. 🙂
( I live for Junior’s quirkiness. He’s the cutest little human alive. We get on so so well & he’s just the light of our little lives. When it comes to Ruby, I breathe for her creativity, that she exudes in a somewhat regal, Queen like demeanour…Yet it’s mixed with a bump of down to earth, dirty, barefooted rawness. She’s just like me.)
I’m still laid in bed, but I’ve been up a good hour, just scrolling through my Insta & twitter feed. I stalked appropriate profiles (like ya do…We all have our ‘go to’s.) Then I read that Michelle Obama said something beautiful, about disgusting Harvey Weinstein back in 2013 & it’s now being used against her…(In 2013 she wouldn’t have known he was a massive rapist.) I also then read all the controversy about the new Netflix film ‘Cuties’ (which I need to watch, before I comment on.) How a story is told is so important & there’s so many people who haven’t watched it, who are saying a lot about it? I don’t know how? However, I do get both sides of the argument.
I also saw that a guy named ‘Silly Sam’ on my Twitter sent me £25 to treat myself to coffee & cake, to thank me for making him smile with my posts. He sent it to my PayPal email address and I don’t know why, but the thoughtfulness behind it, just made me smile? The simplest things. I thought it was really cute and it was actually delivered with such beautiful grace.
So thank you, Sir! I appreciate the love!
I have a chilled day today because i’ve smashed out all my auditions. Hopefully I’ll hear some good results shortly and if I’m being honest, I just kinda want to enjoy life, enjoy my day…after working really hard over the last couple weeks.
As I posted yesterday on my insta story…Life is so incredibly short and I never want anyone to forget that or take it for granted. We may not get another birthday, another day and as far as I’m concerned we need to celebrate every single moment we have and without creating those little boundaries of insecurity, that we have.
It’s so important to life & love and ONLY DO the things that fill your soul with light. The things that make you happy. Truly happy.
I try to make and create as many memories as I can because they are literally ALL i’ll be left with. I’m grateful for the good times…and I know everyone always says the bad times make you stronger (and they do,) but god they feel like absolute shit, when you’re living them, so I hate them. Haha.
My greatest feeling in the world is love. When you get that rush of absolute happiness. A physical reaction based upon an internal glow.
My worst feeling in the world is heartbreak. I struggle very much when I feel it. I guard myself from feeling it now because it effects everything! I mean ‘safety first.’
I’ll always walk with my head held high and with a giant smile on my face pubically…But behind closed doors… if I’m sad, i’ll just sit at home and cry for days…and I mean proper ‘snot running down my arm’ crying. Haha.
Ruby: ‘You’re cute when you cry because you look like a pig.’
I don’t know what’s gonna happen today. It’s now 7.52am. (That dude that shouted at me over the table at The Botanist has just insta dmmed me saying that he misses saying ‘hi’ to me? I’ve just ignored it. I cba.)
Long time, no speaky! But most of you have been checking in through my ‘socials’ anyhow. So in a way, I kinda feel like I’ve kept you in the loop. 🙂
Obviously a lot as happened… We (Ruby, Junior, my mum & I ) had 3 days of deep rooted stress. But once the mist lifted and we could see, hear and feel more clearly, a ‘magic’ happened and our world, that we call ‘Wunna land’ filled with pure love, happiness & delight.
I always say ‘someone’s watching over us.’ There are times when I believe it. Times when I don’t. But without the faith that everything’s gonna be okay..You have nothing at all. 🙂
Right so! Since the last time I blogged, I booked a film.. ‘You, Me & Kandi.’ I played ‘Zoe,’ who’s the female lead & I had to travel away for a short time, to film it. It was absolutely wonderful and just the best time, with the best team. Some of us (Nicci & Jon) lived together and God, I made some absolute friends for life! I’ll never forget our evenings…But i’ll tell you more about it when the films ready to premier. I always talk about the films I’m in, far too early on this blog. I mean the promo needs to start, when it’s ready for people to watch!
I’ve had tons of meetings and auditions. Three today alone! So things are hotting up now. I’m working hard! Things have got back to normal. I’ve got my eye on the prize. I’m going for it and as of right now…it’s kinda working out.
My agent Rob (who’s fyi amazing) swung by Leeds, from London a couple days ago to chat negotiations and career. We chilled at ‘Browns’ over drinks and discussed. It was the best hour of discussions ever…because we’re both so honest & well we got shit done! I feel really lucky. He pushes really hard! We both do! It feels like it’s gonna work…
As I was walking through Leeds city centre to ‘Browns’ from Trinity…a homeless guy stopped me…
‘I’m so sorry. I know I’m bothering you but I need £8 to get into the hostel..I’ve got 38p…’
‘Shit! I’ve got no change! I’ve only got my card!!! Wait….’
I started rummaging through my leopard print bag. I found 10p. Ffs! Haha. Then in a little pocket I found £2.50.
‘Ooooh! Lucky you. Here ya go!’
‘Oh my god! Thank you SO much…That’s the most anyone has managed to…’
‘It’s fine. I’ve go to go to a meeting at Browns. Sorry it’s not much…I hope you..,What’s ya name?’
‘Gavin. Honestly, thank you…What’s yours?’
He looked me right in the eye like he wanted to hug me…But then he stopped and said,
‘Hey…i’ll give you a fist pump, because of all this corona…’
He pushed his fist forward, it was covered in bruises, muck and scars. His history all over this one fist.
I ‘pumped.’ Then I smiled and as I walked onward to my meeting…People we’re rushing behind me…and all I could here in the distance was an absolutely delighted Gavin shouting…
‘I LOVE YOU CHRISSIE! THANK YOU!!!’
I looked back and waved. It made my eyes smile as I turned back around and strutted through the shiny, glass doors of ‘Browns’ where Rob was already sat, waiting…He saw me walk in, smiled and beckoned me over.
That evening turned a moderate day, into a great day. The buzz that I felt from work. The buzz that ‘Gavin’ gave me lasted forever. It still makes me smile.
It made me so happy, whilst I was sat at the station another homeless man walked up to me JUST after a young guy had finished talking a ‘First Dates’ selfie with me.
‘I just wondered if you could buy me a coke from the shop? Not a sugar free one though. A regular one.’
He was so specific, that I knew that he either craved it or needed it!
So there I was…in my grey faux fur and yellow heels, walking him through the Sainsbury’s at Leeds train station…
‘Is that all you want? I mean..honestly, we’re here now, so you might as well get what you want…’
All he had grabbed was a thin can on full sugar coke and a big dairy milk chocolate bar.
‘Is it okay if I get another can of coke? I’m just addicted to it…’
And just like that, at check out…the cashier( who’s the ace American lady who always smiles at me) served us. She had literally JUST served me 10 minutes before. She said nothing. But her eyes smiled as she saw the two of us! She looked at me like a proud mama. I beamed and walked off.
Before we even left the store…The homeless guy had already cracked over one of his cokes and was guzzling it like he needed all the sugar in the world.
I’ve done Leeds quite a lot recently. More meetings and quiet ‘socials’ than anything. But I’ve checked into ‘Ginos’ twice. Once with the kids. I’ve done Blue Sakura & The Botanist.
I actually got shouted at over an outdoor terrace, dinner table at The Botanist, by a guy who out of nowhere decided to simply become overwhelmed with insecurity.
I shouted back.
Then I left. I hate that.
I do know the person…and they did try to apologise. But I just don’t suffer fools that well anymore at 39. He sent me a video that just looked staged, with eyes of zero, valid emotion…almost like it had been….well it felt fake.
I never responded. I’m fine with losing friends that aren’t really …well decent enough to me.
God! This blog is long…and so much more has happened? I need to skim!
Right, so I announced that I had a crush and everyone went mental. I had every video reported. An inbox filled with haters. It was nuts. Then all went back to normal.
I’m still crushing on that human. However I don’t think he’s crushing on me back. Haha. (As the story goes…) I mean he likes me…But that’s about it, I reckon… 🙂 I don’t know? But he did say he was on ‘Cloud 9.’ Maybe I’m just insecure or maybe I’m right? Who knows how the take will play out. Luckily we’re both busy humans. It takes the stress off things.
But I’ve definitely decided I’m rubbish at all this crush malarkey. I mean sure I am. I always have a one track mind. So nothing’s ever a ‘numbers game’ to me. I love really hard, once I fall, or decide to go for something. I’m passionate. So I usually just wait it out and concentrate on work, in hope that Mr.Right finds me.
I’m not gonna lie…as you get older…you kinda worry that you may never find that true, true love. That man that just wants to adore you forever. Yet whilst life is so great work wise…it seems that I’m okay? I feel okay. The kids are okay. Life is good. I feel like a great catch right now! Haha.
Ruby and Junior signed to their first BIG agent. Weirdly… just as they did, another agent offered to sign them also. But they were already done and dusted. They’re actually over the moon! WE made the right choice. Junior can’t believe his little eyes. Ruby expected it. (Haha.) They did their first film audition via their new agent today! I’m so proud! They’re so cute…and they’re both so incredibly creative. I love them so madly. I can’t believe how hard they dream, work and believe for being 9 & 7.
I start filming again shortly. I have a busy audition week. It I’m prepping for work tooo. So it’s all crazy right now. However, I’m really lucky and feel like the most blessed kitten in all the land! I used to have everything crossed, yet now I just work as hard as I can!
As a family we film a commercial shortly. It had to get postponed…and I finally did my everything crossed ‘big break’ audition…which I hope I get. If I do, I do. If I don’t…i’ll still keep going but just work harder!
I start burlesque training shortly…for a little ‘something-something’ and I simply cannot wait! My posts on my insta are getting sexier and sexier as I prepare and get used to the simple, yet beautiful art of the ‘tease.’ (Thank you for all the love im receiving…I’m really grateful because it’s not just about me getting into a bikini and plonking about for ‘likes.’ I’m not like that. I’m way more complex and filled with absolute purpose and soul. Everything I perform means something to me. It’s inspired by my real life, daily experiences. Whether it be a feature film, or a 15 second Tiktok…to me…it’s still a performance and something that’s special because I’m doing what I love…for you.)
I’ve godda go…I’m typing this topless on my iPhone with my thumb and it’s winding me up! Plus ‘Rocco’ the cat is humping everything in sight and it’s awkward.
Things are looking up work wise. The children are the happiest they’ve ever been. The cats horny…I’m doing alright!
I love you all so much. Sorry, it’s a bit of a ramble!
Thank you for all your kind words and thank you for following my life!
It’s Monday evening. Yorkshire, England. I’ve worked hard all weekend. I’ve been filming. (So have the kids.) Therefore, I’ve had a chilled one today because I’ve just been so exhausted. I think ‘lockdown’ made me lose my touch?
I had a 5.30am call time. (Which is usually a breeze.) Then the following day I finished at 3.30am. (Again, that doesn’t usually bother me.) It jumbled me all up this time though? Maybe i’m just old? I’m usually fine? The last time I felt really tired was when I was on set at Christmas.
I’d gone from back to back film, to back to back film. I was running on adrenalin, yet delighted because I was booking so much work and filling my little creative soul with happiness.
When the makeup artist was doing my face…I fell asleep, mid- brush stroke…IN THE CHAIR. Haha.
I mean, how embarrassing!!! I shocked myself up!
This time all I’ve done is film two things and I’m knackered. 🙂 I need an on set rocking chair,
Hopefully dreams come true after all this work I’m constantly putting into everything. If not, i’ll cry. Haha. (No really. I will cry.)
So yeah, that’s that. Everything else in my world is happy! No news is good news.
I was having a bit of a ponder today and thinking back through my life.
I always think whatever’s meant to be is meant to be. Yes, you can and SHOULD work hard for what you want. It’s yours for the taking. Everything your heart desires CAN be achieved. You just have to work your arse off for it, get ballsy and go, go, go.
But there are things that just aren’t yours. You’ll be able to feel what isn’t yours. It’s an instinct and no matter how hard you work…it’s just not an experience you’re meant to encounter in your story.
That isn’t a bad thing…If it’s something that you really wanted, of course it will feel shitty. But the sooner you realise it just wasn’t yours, the quicker you’ll move forward and happily.
It took me a lot of years to learn. In fact being an actor helped. I mean the zillion times we’ve heard ‘no’ and got rejected makes the best of us so utterly strong. Gives us a fire to fight. Well some of us anyhow. When you’re new to it all, it can obviously feel heart breaking.
But I don’t wanna sound all doom and gloom because I’m not. I’m happy. I’m positive. I’m strong. I’m probably one of the strongest people you’ll meet in your life. One of those troopers who keeps getting back up, adjusting her bra, tossing her hair and with a smile on my face.
So, i’ll put it out there in a more positive fashion…
‘I always say that there’s a magic in the air and the things that’s are meant for you, will automatically be yours.’
Is that better?
Wait! I need a drink. I’m parched!
I’m also 4 months booze free now! I’m really proud of myself. I don’t know how it’s happened? Two more months and I’ve done one half a year, no booze. Wtf?
Ruby: ‘I don’t even know why you’re doing this? It’s good, but Mum, what you gonna do when we have a something to celebrate??? You’re just not a cuppa tea mum. You always pop open a bottle and pour a celebration drink??? I just can’t imagine?’
Me: ‘It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’m FINE!!!!’
I am a bit worried though because in ‘lockdown’ it’s quite easy to refrain from drinking. There’s no influences.
However, when the kids and I went to lunch at ‘Ego’ on Thursday…it felt so STRANGE & I felt moderately uncomfortable NOT having a wine. It was weird?
So it’s something I’m not quite used to? I had a 0% Peroni. I really missed drinking that day.
Now we’re all getting social again…I’m gonna find it more difficult. Even when people are asking me to go out for drinks, be it friends or dates, it’s making me worry…because well…I’ve never been to a bar and not had cocktails?
Anyway, tomorrow I’m chilling all day, but in the evening I have something exciting! I’m feeling a bit nervous. No. I’m feeling a lot nervous. But on the whole it feels good, so I’m smiling. I’ll tell you all about it the following morning. I can’t even takin aboit it right now.
I’m also missing LA life. But maybe because things are a bit scribbly in my world here, right now. It’s happy but there is certainly a haze. I’m always desperate for it to just be lifted, but I’m always hopeful that a happy ending will come my way.
I’d love for a ‘breeze.’ A real life ‘breeze.’
But I’ve been chatting to my LA buddies a lot more recently. So maybe it’s that? In fact I’ve been chatting to them everyday and I think that it’s making me miss Hollywood life, a lot.
However I’m trying not to, just so I can be present, in my present situation. I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, so I just need to appreciate it, with absolute gratitude.
Lots of you are STILL asking me about my love life…and yes I’m still single. Lol. I’m still happy. I’m open to dating. If anything crazy happens, i’ll certainly let your know.
It’s weird because i’m not looking but i’m hoping the love of my life will just find me. YET, i’m not gonna lie, there’s this wonderful feeling of absolute empowerment that I’m getting, simply by being a happy, single, eligible bachelorette?
Saying that, I described myself as a ‘hotdog’ the other day? It sounds ridiculous and pretty much is. But honestly I do look like one. Like…if you closed your eyes, you could imagine me wedged in a ‘finger roll.’
(Wait! That sounds mucky. I do mean a bread roll!!)
I’m back to filming on August 5th. So I’ve got a script to learn for then.
It’s a jungle out there! Luckily, i’m made for it. Hopefully you are toooo, as life slowly sways it’s way ‘back to normal.’ The babies and I are booked into ‘Ego’ today for lunch, so things must surely be back on track?
We’re also armed with customized Wunna Land face masks, thanks to ‘Bags of Love Uk.’ Ruby’s excited about them because she thinks she has her own mask line? Haha.
Okay, so I’m happy, but i’m still learning lessons as I go along.
I’ve noticed that when I have something important to tend to, I HAVE TO make sure, that i’m completely closed away from outside ‘dramas’ and that i’m all snug and at peace, in the beautiful bubble that i’ve created, called ‘Wunna land,’ in order to focus. I’ve actually been really good at it, over the last couple months. That’s why i’ve done pretty well at work.
But the other day, before something really important Ruby’s dad… (I’m a single mum) decided to give me a little call and literally cause THE MOST drama EVER…within a ‘snippedy click’.
Ruby: ‘What is he even doing?’
Me: ‘Don’t worry. I’ll sort it for you. Just stay here and relax.’
Junior: ‘Can I have pancakes?’
So Ruby’s dad for some reason is starting to feel all lost, needy and well he just keeps showing up outside the house and staying their for ages? Eh?
He can see Ru whenever she wishes, so that’s not the problem. If she fancies it she goes. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Pretty normal. But it got the point where almost EVERY other day, in fact EVERY DAY, he’d park outside the house, demand Ruby would go outside (when she didn’t want too lol) and refuse to leave for ages. If Ruby didn’t want to go outside…(She’s 9. She just wanted to play with her brother)…He’d kick off?
Ru: ‘Why is he here again?’
Me: ‘I honestly don’t know?’
One day we had quite a lot of stuff to do and we had to reschedule it all because he refused to leave and Ruby didn’t want to walk by him because she felt awkward. UGh! (This was after his 4th day of doing it.)
Anyway, he came the other day and again Ru refused to speak to him because it’s just too much for her now and she just felt under pressure. I completely understand that because I’d feel the same way. I’d feel suffocated and harrassed.
It kinda made me sad because she looked at me, at the beginning of the week and said…
‘He’s not respecting me. I need space.’
(I didn’t like it. It felt wrong. At this point I hadn’t said anything to him about it…I didn’t know what he was thinking…But he’s not usually nuts & until this point they’ve had a really good relationship.)
In my mind….you can’t…well you can…But you shouldn’t just randomly show up unannounced outside someone’s home…..continuously….for days and days. It’s odd…and surely it’s rude? It’s intrusive.
Couple days ago he calls me…After he’d been calling my mum a few times and shouting at her?
I look at my phone. I see it ring. We’re about to start our movie afternoon…I didn’t want to pick up….UGH! But I did! If I didn’t….it wouldn’t stop.
THEN with his knickers in a full on twiddly TWIST, the tinkered in with his full on drama.
Safety FIRST. This is a tinker free zone!
Quit it or move on.
Behind the scenes, we have so much going on and we’re all really grateful for the love and opportunities that people are currently giving us. It’s a dream come true. Obviously, It takes work, time, respect and love. SOME People (Lol) aren’t realising that & it’s stressing us all out.
However, when people don’t tinker on the drama train, we’re all really chipper and our life is filled with loveliness.
On a personal note, during these LOVELY times, I kinda need to focus. There’s a big old career hat I need to tend to and it’s far MORE important than any little boy drama. I feel like he wants to be more important than that….But he’s just not.
So, I stated that. Politely at first. It was decorated with that divine British wit, that I seem to have mastered.
In the end, he wouldn’t go away….So I just had to shout at him…until he would because Ruby had had enough. The simple, yet effective method and well she looked at me like I should be nipping it in the bud, for her.
Me: ‘Why are you being so rude? I get that you’re not feeling good, but that’s not my fault. What are you actually mad at? You don’t even know what you’re saying or doing? You’re nuts. You actually sound like you’re jealous?’
(This was after he tried to make fun of me and belittle me, without the actual support of any truth. You don’t get to do that. Then said he was jealous of my son….Junior. Eh?????)
Pete: ‘YES!!! I AM JEALOUS…AND I AM…’
Me: ‘Right, I’m done now. I’m really bored of wasting my time on this conversation. It’s dull…Write me a letter or something, or watch a Youtube tutorial on how to be a…’
(Then i hung up.)
Ruby: ‘Thank God. Can you make pancakes now? Is he gonna do that thing where he waits outside for ages, until we do as he says???’
‘No. I don’t think so.I’m exhausted. I’m never sticking up for you again. Haha. You’re just sat there in your nighty, demanding pancakeslike the Queen of Wunna Land.’
Then weirdly Ru, Ju and I just looked at each other…paused…and then laughed.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE??
Pete’s usually so sane too? I don’t know what’s got into him? He turned all ‘Queeny,’ and yeah he’ll probably feel bad for it now, but in my book, that’s it… He’s joined the nuts club.
So…If i go online, i’m getting called names before 9am, just for doing well or being moderately attractive. When i chill offline at home, i’m picking up my phone to get SCREAMED AT, by old friends, who seem like strangers?
Hahaha. Yipppeeee! Some life!
It’s bonkers. Stop being bonkers. Just chill. Go do life. Get happy. Don’t bother me. I’m in a kimono most of the time, having a pretty sober blast!
When I began the phone conversation I was fully clothed. However, during the chat and because i was getting more and more passively frustrated, a layer of clothing kept being ripped off, simply because i was feeling emotionally suffocated. Haha.
In the end, I was STOOD, in just my non matching, bra and knickers… in the middle of my living room, in front of a window, with a ‘what has just happened’ face?
Then i made pancakes and got on with my audition. Half mad and half relieved to be free. I also read all my comments on Tiktok just to make me feel wonderful again, because they couldn’t be nicer.
My Tiktok crew are literally the most wonderful humans in the world of Wunna ever. Every minute they make me smile with love!
It kinda doesn’t matter that exes from a zillion years ago are grumpy because Dan From Texas, Will from Finland, a guy from Egypt, a girl in Japan, Colletee in Leeds, Sam from London, Mark from LA, Steve in NYC, Laura in Georgia…
I make all these people smile. I apparently make their day and I love it. I value it.
(Tiktok is pretty much my new booze. Everyone just thinks i’m dancing around and posting videos for entertainment and a bit of ‘look at me.’ I’m actually de-stressing and performing my way back to chill mode. I’ve noticed that i’ll always dance when i’m stressed. In the past i’d want a wine.)
The Santana video that I posted on my insta yesterday, was the tiktok i filmed immediately after that argument, JUST TO RELAX, before my audition.
Surely is why i’m single! There’s no stress. No compromise. No exes. Just happiness. Work. Bliss. Freedom. Hahaha.
All this drama that keeps popping up is making me not trust the art of ‘coupling up.’
Is it worth the stress, when I’m already so happy? I’m looking for a life enhancer. Not a ticket to drama city.
I went on to film an audition. In fact TWO. Then Ruby and I filmed a piece together, that you will shortly be seeing on the old telly box…It’s only a little bit, but it was just so much fun. It was wonderful.
But then, that evening…something lovely happened. After all that stress!
Tim, remember the guy who had asked if i preferred Thai or Turkish food online? Anyway…I see another notification on my phone and he’s sent me a video….
I love videos. So, obviously i’m intrigued. (A girl named Ashley also sent me a beautiful video this morning and i wanted to publicly thank you for that. You have a beautiful voice.)
But OH my gosh…
The video that I received from Tim…
It was the nicest and most thoughtful surprise ever. It was really kind. It was really sweet and i was really shocked. I was really happy. It was beautiful. I didn’t know what to say? It was lovely.
Tim hasn’t known me for years…personally. He found me on Tiktok and just liked my videos, which led him to my insta..which led him to Wunna land. He’s not scared of anything. He’s all ‘skin to the wind.’ I got a video. I love videos. I love letters. They’re my favourite.
I was really touched and after a really shitty day of people trying to ‘boomerang’ negativity into my world…It just felt like the most perfect ‘breeze.’
I love a ‘breeze.’
It was later that evening and I laid upon my bed, in my kimono.
‘Come look at this…’
(I always share moments like that WITH HER, just to show how kind people are or can be, so when she’s older and she ‘flash backs’ she’ll remember.)
She was filled with excitement. She laid next to me on my bed and we watched it….
I’m not gonna tell you what she said, but she looked up at me and her little asian eyes smiled. I smiled.
Then she dashed out the room to tell Junior, who didn’t care at all. Haha.
I feel like you’ll hear more of this story…
So, what i’m trying to tell you is that your day can start off really shitty , yet end on such a remarkable note.
If you’re living in the moment, the present like I am…it can feel pretty hideous, at the time.
But once it hits the past and becomes ‘yesterday,’ it’s over. It’s done. You can completely forget about it and wash ya hands of it.
However, in the moment,…it feels ridiculous. Almost like a circus.
It’s all mind over matter. Adjust appropriately and have a way of bouncing back to your happy place, at your own pace. It can be a thought, a break, a song, a dance, a word, a memory. Just find your way back.
Don’t let other’s burden you with their pain, if you did not welcome it into your world.
Be excited for tomorrow. You never know what’s going to happen?
So, yesterday I did something lovely for someone and sent it to them, via the fine art of ‘Dm.’ It was cute. I’m cute. I don’t know why I wanted to do it..? (That’s a lie, I do know…Haha.) But anyway, I did it. Immediately.
Now, I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now because this morning, when they saw it and acknowledged it, I kinda felt really shy? I felt really embarrassed for being ‘cute,’ and surely I shouldn’t, as what is possibly more delightful, than being so thoughtful, right?
Therefore, i’ve decided that there’s certainly a shyness to me, that I didn’t quite realize I had and mainly because i’ve hidden behind the ‘vixen’ mask for quite a few jolly years. It’s comforted me. In fact it still does, as it seems and well it’s kept me safe from harms way, broken hearts and broken egos.
I am quite sassy. That is certainly a part of me. I’m a sensual little lady and life has let me own that vibe. Yet, I don’t think people realize that there’s a gentleness to me. They certainly see me as a ‘type.’ However, when they say ‘you’re my type,’ I always kinda wonder what they mean by ‘type?’ How do they see me?
A footballer once looked at me in a hotel room, told me he fancied me and said it was because I was ‘dangerous.’
I’m not ‘dangerous‘ at all? I’m chilled.
I said nothing, but just smiled.
Even my first husband Mike, once said, whilst we were still married that I was ‘never the safe option.’
It’s so weird, as i’d probably think i’m a guys safest option?
When i’m in love…and I mean the real deal…I’m not talking about a one sided crush, that tickles my panties… I’m literally the most romantic girl I know. I’m loyal. I’m supportive. But most of all i’m nothing BUT the ‘safe option.’
I wonder why i seem so ‘danger zone’ to people?
I’m aware that I’m drawn a certain way. I look like a ‘sasserilla’ with a sexy disposition and there are definitely moments of that…because I enjoy being sexy. It’s fun and free. However, I wonder how many guys see more than that?
I mean, I’m only feisty, when I have to be…when someone’s fucked with my okayness. I’m a tough cookie. You don’t mess with ‘Wunna Land.’ I’ll come at you with ‘home truths’ and wit galore.
However, if you scrape all that to the side of your plate, i’m actually really laid back, calm, romantic and kind.
I wonder how many guys think or see that?
But for now, i’m still single, looking for Mr.Right and well…he’ll come find me. He’s somewhere in this dandy old world. He’ll come get me…but when everything’s right.
Anyway, I had an audition today for a feature film. It felt good. It went well. I hope I get it because I want it. The role feels..well it’s just so me. But i like to do the audition, forget about it and hear, when I hear… So we’ll see.
I did my first Tiktok ‘live’ last night. It went well until my phone cut off due to poor signal and no-one could see me. Haha. Of course. However, i still managed to gain loads of viewers and stats, so i thank you for joining in the banter. It really does mean a lot. It was actually so wonderful to ‘live’ chat with you all. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Everyone is STILL asking me about my love life on a daily and it seems like such a big thing to you all? Haha…I feel like the next person I date will be bombarded with Wunna troops stalking their ‘socials,’ with utter excitement. I already feel sorry for them.
I always tell you that i’m a confident woman, because I am. However, I don’t think i’m as confident when it comes to my love life anymore. I’ve seen and heard and experienced too much, to trust that it all ends wonderfully for me. Haha.
I’m not nuts. Don’t worry. I’ve learnt not be, after years of guys being NUTS with me. But there’s still a glint in my eye, filled with romance.
I never assume the worst because by nature i’m a positive soul. However, for example, if a guy liked me and told me how much he liked me privately, i’d just assume he’d be telling a few other chicks the same thing also, so i never take it so seriously until I see it and believe. It’s a feeling isn’t it.
I have a great gut instinct.
I’m also not a numbers game kinda gal. I’m too old for that, with too many responsibilities and things to accomplish. I’d rather wait it out and let my path cross with whoever it’s meant to, whenever it’s meant to and well..I assume the guy (who will be a gentleman….) I assume he’ll be confident enough to take the lead….
But for now, I’m all good and I hope you are too.
Something i learnt over the last 24hrs. Don’t be distracted by bullshit, or negativity, when you’ve got so many good things going on. Make sure you remain focused on the things that actually DO matter. Keep your focus and energy in the right place. Don’t meander with the bad vibes. Keep your eye on the prize.
Anyway, just a short one today…
My phone’s just blinked up with notifications and a really thoughtful guy named ‘Tim’ is asking me if i’d prefer Thai food or Turkish?
The best kind of notifications. This morning I was sure someone had called me ‘backwards.’ Lol
Thank you for coming with me on this journey. I mean we’re all doing life…This is just my version of it….
Happy weekend! You made it through. Hope you’re well? If you found yourself here, may I wish you the loveliest & most blessed few days.
I’ve just come off a ‘drama’ phone call…So I’m trying to find my little piece peace of ‘Zen,’ y’know instead of giving in, to a mist of absolute, utter RAGE! Lol.
It’s weird because my world is literally & usually filled with so much love. However, I’ve noticed that the more popular I become…(even if it’s only the TINIEST, little nudge up that rickety, old, success ladder, ) the MORE people decide to ‘drama’ on into it. I’m feisty. Yes. Yet only when I have to be. I don’t go about dishing out ‘feist.’ It takes it out of me because I don’t like to waste time on negativity or anger.
I mean, someone actually went out of their jolly, misguided way, to try and threaten Ruby & I this morning??? Eh?? Is everyone nuts? You can’t force yourself upon us? Plus, how do you expect us to let you into our world or our hearts, when you approach us with ya ‘crazy pants’ on!!! We don’t like it at all…We couldn’t be MORE open hearted or understanding. However, there is a line.
Don’t be nuts.
You also THEN shouldn’t see it as a challenge or a ‘curve ball,’ because the reaction you got wasn’t what you maybe expected. I mean, today, the drama was followed up with ridicule, jealousy, assumptions, disrespect & hate, after the mild rejection. What is wrong with people?
I looked at Ru….and she was calm, but stern. She tilted her eyes up at me. She does that when she wants me to sort it. So I did.
But it’s getting ridiculous. It’s almost like we’re now having to block everyone out of our world…and only let the sane ones through, just so we stay safe, happy & free from stress. Lol. Thankfully there’s loads of sane people and many great friends. In fact so many people that I’m grateful for.
However, when a ‘crazy’ comes in, it’s exhausting & stressful. My head fuzzes up. It’s a time waster. My worst thing. Especially when we’ve got so much stuff to do.
But i’ll tell you that, the ‘crazies’ appear in many different forms. My WORST ‘Crazies’ are usually the males that I’ve dated before. The better I do. The more uncomfortable they weirdly feel? I don’t even know why because this can happen after YEARS have passed. Anyway, their life hasn’t maybe panned out accordingly, so they then try to pop into Wunna land with full-force, no idea, all the gear DRAMA.
Go away!!! You are not welcome, until you are calm and happy! You’re ‘cancelled.’
I don’t get it? I would NEVER drama into someone’s world? Why bother? The attention you get is negative.
There’s been a lot going on in Wunna Land. Luckily, most of it positive, so I couldn’t be more grateful. As always there’s been auditions and general life dandies. I’m sure you’re sick of me saying that!
I start a film in August and I’ve also just joined the cast of ‘Series of Light.’ I’m so excited and completely delighted. I actually got written into the second series of it by request of the Director. This was after he was keen to have me in the first series, but I couldn’t do it because of clashing filming dates. I was heartbroken.
Luckily, fate shined it’s dusty, little, old light on me. I just feel so blessed to have joined the cast. It’s a really wonderful time.
I’ve also been tiktoking and Insta posting a lot, in between the good old ‘ hustle,’ the line learning and the work, simply to de-stress a little. It’s weird because my day job IS to perform. Yet, my sense of escapism, away from any personal or work stress, is also to perform? I don’t know whether it’s escapism or my way of distracting you?
It’s kinda been a busy couple weeks, as everything flies back to normal. I certainly feel like one of those GREAT, hardcore single mums. (I’m smashing it and loving it.) Ruby & Junior are the happiest kids, in all the ‘Summer holiday’ land. 🙂 Homeschool is done and the respect I have for teachers is now forever embedded in my soul. Haha
However, there’s hard bits, i’m juggling my work, the kids and….well… most of you know, that I have a bit of a stressful ‘thing,‘ a situation… going on behind the glittery doors of Wunna Land. So obviously, i’ve therefore been making sure the littlest Wunna, my baby boy Junior, is filled to the brim with love and support…as he’s currently going through…well….
I can’t tell you the story yet, can I? I can’t tell you anything about it. But one day i’ll be able to…and when I finally can, life will not only have awarded Ruby, Junior and I with complete happiness…Yet also the faith in life, love, peace, justice and closure. I couldn’t be more proud of the babies. I watch them and i can’t believe how strong, loving and decent they’ve turned out so far.
They’re my world.
I know i’ve been moaning, but on the whole things have been great today.?(The ice-cream van didn’t come though. So that bit of the day was shit. Fish and chips did show up, so life perked up threefold.)
But i wanna ‘paper scrunch‘ all that for now and over arm, throw it, into a trash can, for a second.
Let’s breathe because I ’m genuinely feeling good.
I hope you are toooo!
I’m reading all your comments, on my ‘socials’ throughout my day and they’ve made me beam. What great support! What absolute love! (Apart from the dude that’s just written ‘Am I the only person who doesn’t think she looks good lately?’) You’re a douche. 🙂 Everyone else though…You’re amazing! Haha.
I don’t know how i’ve ended up with such a life? But i’m really thankful for it. It’s almost as if a dream comes true, every minute. I count my blessings. I dont take any of it for granted. I don’t even have my fingers crossed anymore, because I know life’s got my back.
I’m smiling. 🙂 I’m happy.
The biggest thing you all seem to ask me about is my love life and mainly because no-one can understand how I can be so unlucky in love? Either that, or i’m being asked out? All very flattering.
To the ones that have followed by blog for 10 years…or even before that, when I wrote my diary on Myspace, for years. (It of course got deleted by a guy I was dating at the time. Yippee.. I hate that.)
In the past i’ve been really unlucky. Yes. But right now, i feel pretty lucky. I’m single. But i’m not making those stupid and dashingly foolish decisions anymore.
Do I have a crush on anyone right now? Yes. That feeling is always exciting.
But I’d never say who because of the utter fear it gives me. Haha.
I think these days I just automatically assume that a crush wouldn’t really care. Haha. I’m pathetic I know. So I never tell them. They have to do all the stressful leg work and make it all very clear, so I feel all very safe. Haha.
I’m confident. Yes. So I don’t mean that I don’t think they wouldn’t ‘FANCY’ me back…They’d fancy me. ( God. I am cringing at myself!!) What I assume is that they wouldn’t truly care or utterly value me really…in the long run? I don’t know why I think that? But it’s true. So I shy away until they’ve spelled it all out and I know that I no longer have to proceed with caution.
I mean love can’t be that hard surely? Two people, attracted to one another. They decide to fall in love. They do. They look after and care for one another. Done! Why am I finding it so difficult?
Everyone’s also asking me about age preferences? I’m old. I’m 39. I don’t cancel people out via their age…However Ofcourse, they couldn’t be ‘young, young, young.’ I’m too emotionally grown for ‘young, young, young.’
I also get asked about ‘distance’ and love. Long distance relationships never bother me. Infact I really enjoy them! More of an effort is made because of the distance. You get to know one another over time. A lot of true respect, and value is put into everything & you appreciate them, at the same time as feeling free. You never feel suffocated.
Plus, we’re not in the ‘higgle-piggle’ olden days. You can FaceTime anyone and if the chemistry is magical, it feels as though they’re right there with you.
What a day!! Mental! So, Ruby was ill. Head to toe in an allergy rash, that just seemed to be continually eroding away at her baby flesh, right in front of my very eyes.. We had to rush to the Doctors and get her treated up. It broke my heart, because she’s never ill. She’ll always just say she’s ‘fine.’ She’s one of them. I even cried.
Then I had to take Junior into school LATE because I managed to get all of my days mixed up. The rash thing through me. It caught me off guard. I received an email asking where he was because they were all expecting him. I jumped up in a panic and got him there immediately.
All sorted. All done. Everyone was happy!
Then drama decided to swing it’s knickers into Wunna Land…and well, it’s been one of those days, that you just need to ‘cancel,’ START OVER, or laugh at…because surely it can’t get any worse?
It’s 7pm and it’s only just turned out alright. There was even a moment where I just hit ‘pause,’ closed my sober as hell eyes and hoped that when I opened them… life had swirled back to magical.
It didn’t switch back to magical. It was just ‘okay.’
I’ve learnt a lot in 2020. Even before this whole Corona Virus pandemic, took the reins.
Things are changing for the better in Wunna Land. This year, all those mistakes that I ‘learnt at the time,’ yet certainly remained MAKING once in a while, y’know, whenever i lost my grounding, footing, decided to trust the wrong people, felt lonely, felt pitiful Let’s just say whenever i was foolish.
This year GREAT things are happening to me. This year is the year i grew up, the mist rose, I grew some extra balls and understood everything clearly. In fact, great things are happening to Ruby & Junior also. We all feel really lucky. It’s a really positive time. In a way I wish you could all peek into Wunna land properly, as obviously, right now it’s had to be somewhat guarded…just for a little more privacy. We’ve had all sorts happen to us.
However, being the Queen of the shindig, I’m noticing that as ‘lockdown’ is slowly easing off and life steadily dances back to some kind of normality, a small push of pressure and a wee bit of stress is smoke whirling back onto our glorious grounds.
Yet, that’s how life goes, I need to take the changes by the balls.
Work wise! I’m finally getting a lot more ‘actory’ questions in on my Insta daily Q&A. I like all the questions. Yet when they turn ‘actory,’ you know business is brewing. Things are starting to roll…Things are beginning to move.
I know it looks like all i’ve done is Tiktok, all day long. Haha. (And again, thank you for all your support. I get so much love on there.) Yet, the real story is, I’m not that silly. I’m a really focused girl. I need to stop referring to myself as a ‘girl.’ I’m a WOMAN now.
I know what matters to me. I know what I want. I’ve prioritized well and behind the scenes, i’ve personally been working really hard. I’ve been on daily zoom meetings, one to one castings. I’ve been networking. I’ve acted and practiced techniques and performed scenes every single day. I’ve been putting monologues on tape. I’ve been in discussions with Rob, who’s probably one of the best agents i’ve met so far and he gets it because he too did his time in LA. His vibe, his manner, his contact list and negotiation skills are first class. I’m falling into lucky hands.
I’ve done a lot…but behind the scenes. It’s almost been like a Rocky Balboa training sesh. I’m just someone who believes that you have to be ready, when opportunity comes a knocking. That’s with anything. If you’re not ready and I am, you’re not gonna win. You’re gonna lose the opportunity. It will go to someones else and you’ll have no-one to blame but yourself.
That’s something that doesn’t sit well with me. I can’t stand it. Can you? That ‘shouldda/couldda‘ vibe.
So, I sat down and I reflected. Saw my weaknesses. Saw my strengths. I was really honest about how good or bad I was at things. I worked hard and changed things around, every single day, until I got it right. Not just with acting. With everything!
So, as always, i’m being the ‘hero’ of my own story and i’m encouraging you to be too.
The only reason why I write my story, is simply so it inspires. If someone skims it one day…and reads something that gives them a reality check, or makes them smile…Then the diary’s done it’s job.
I’ve stopped accepting requests for promo on the blog because it started to feel ‘plastic.’ I’m not ‘plastic.’ I simply want to write a diary. Jot down my memories. Tell my story! Everyone’s story is so important. This is mine.
You’ll have noticed that during lockdown i didn’t write at all. I couldn’t blog. I wanted to, but it just never happened. I couldn’t and because it didn’t feel like me anymore. I needed the vibe to change. I wanted it to change.
I didn’t want to tell you about the latest brand of toothpaste that will make your teeth the sparkliest. I’m not a little girl anymore. Like i’ve just said, i’m a woman and god I have a story to tell.
I’m an actress. I’m a mother. I’m single and so many things inbetween. There’s gonna be times when i’m happy. There’s certainly times when i’m sad. I wanna tell you that story. My real story. My truth. Without censorship, judgement…just none of the bullshit. Y’know, just how it used to be.
There are times when i’m up and times when i’m down, but that’s what makes us all human. That’s what we have in common. It’s our life link.
So, last week, through to yesterday, i’d been auditioning a lot. I’d been working on characters. I’d been learning my lines.
To be honest since the lockdown ease up, I’ve been auditioning a lot. I feel really grateful. The sun is definitely shining on my side of the street and if i’m being honest, i’m not sure how some actors haven’t at least been on ONE audition in all that time?
Everyone’s asking me the ‘but how’ question? All i can say is, it’s a mixture of my agent, the simple fact that I worked my arse off networking, when everyone was baking brownies, cuddling up to their boyfriends, or learning Spanish (do note…they’re all great things..yet not things that would’ve helped me after lockdown) and now…long story short… my August is fully booked with work! (And everyone’s asking how?)
No-one saw all that. They just watched me grind to a tiktok trend. (Which is actually the most fun ever! 🙂 Some liked it. Some didn’t. Most did though. So it’s always a pleasure. 🙂
My Mum: ‘Well it’s good yeah. But i expect you to dance around for 15 seconds and have a million men like it, watch it and love it. They always do. Next week, when you tell me you’ve booked that feature film…you’ll see me extremely excited & proud.’
My mum’s ace!! I love her.
But going back…I’m really inspired by those who are successful. I learn from them. I don’t copy them. I listen to them because you need your own niche. If you duplicate someone, you’re just a shitter version of them. Lol.
Anyway, during this time in my life…i’m noticing how close and powered on I am, by my LA friends. It’s like we’re made of the same stuff and mainly because we understand each other’s stories. We were there, trying to muscle it out, in the toughest town for ‘muscling,’ both emotionally AND in the enteratinment industry.
I love them because they don’t sugar coat things. They tell it how it is. They’re positive, yet speak the truth. They’re not scared to.
I’ve had a week of really big auditions and if I get one of them…it’s a dream come true. Next week is my week of ‘finding out.’ Plus, I have two other auditions during that week.
I know that dreams come true. I’ve watched them come true in others and had them materialize in my own world. So i’m cool with that. I believe in that. I try to make Ruby & Junior’s dreams, no matter how big or small come true… when called upon, so they believe in dreams materializing too.
Anyway, the day before I read…I had a really successful actor/produced/director… turn around and remind me (…when I was participating in my own pity party) that was ‘LUCK’ was overrated.
‘…learn the dang lines and have fun,’ is how the convo ended.
It’s true. I wish upon stars, but let#s keep it real at the same time.
You’ve got to work so hard, that they can’t say ‘no.’ Be so prepared for anything, that you know you’ve can handle shit as soon as you walk through the door. Be real. Be kind. Have fun. SUCCEED on purpose.
Then i stopped worrying. I read the DM and smirked. It almost ignited that young me. That fire. I always have that fire, yet it needed to blaze.
I read it out to Ruby and she smirked back at me, like she got it.
(Sorry, one second. Junior’s had a full roast chicken. A giant one to himself, in his pants for tea. He now wants blackcurrant jelly. 🙂 )
So, after my pep talk, I taped my audition the following day….and i’ll always tell you when I think i’ve done shit. Nothing’s worse by the way. But IT FELT GOOD. It felt really good because I knew i’d done all that I could. No excuses.
As humans, when you know that you’ve done all that you could, you’re at peace with yourself, right? You have no regrets. You hold your head up high because no matter what, it’s now out of your hands. It’s stress free. There was not a single other thing you could’ve brought to the mix or the situation. There’s a power that comes with that feeling.
So, if you have a dream come true and I read this on @wordporn on Insta this morning…it doesn’t matter how old or young you are? How mended or broken you feel…?You can make changes and start over at any point. It’s your life. People can say what they want. They’re not in charge of your life.
All you need is the right mindset. The right love in your soul. The correct support and fucking hell, I’ve even learnt that you can do it without a wine.
Ruby’s just walked in…
‘Mum. If i say I love you right now…after a fight…will you always remember that I do and say it to me.’