All about ME

I’ve had an amazing weekend. Not one that ended with me vomitting in a nearby gutter to the soothing sounds of ‘old enough to know better.’ That’s my past! I mean ‘amazing’ as in hilarious and when i say ‘hilarious…i usually mean ‘odd.’

No cocktails, not sex, no sinning, no sequin bra’d ‘can can.’ I love fun. I love a good time. Yet i’m finding it odd that i spent yesterday ‘not yet night, however, not fully day’ picking PLUMS! Yes! Goddamn plums! The weirdest thing about it…i actaully loved every minute of it!!!

Okay, i finally got my Family back. They got bored of meditating and ventured back to their only hope…which was ME! If i am ever you’re only hope, know that you are either at rock bottom and in need of a glamourous ‘pick me up,’ or you’re fucked! Simple really! Woohoo! (I’m currently reading constant BBM messages from a boy that i don’t quite remember and therefore must not truely adore. He has sent me a message everday for the past 4 months. All he says is ‘Hey!‘ Or ‘Heeyyy!’ Or ‘:) .’ I’ve never replied. But i am deeply humoured by the morning message i get almost every day as it turns noon. I am also deeply humoured by my failure to reply. I know it must annoy him and quite childishly…i find that funny?) I’m a born and raised idiot and i’m loving every sexy, winked up moment of it. Booyah!

I woke up Sunday to a large number of texts and bbm’s from my friends all around the world. I’m currently having to live  through you, as I tend to ‘soon to be’ motherhood, (which simply means i’m terribly sober, which then goes on to mean, i’m never in trouble. This may sound good, but believe me kittens, this body was built for it! ) I even got told off my my own Mother this morning at 5.53am…which is never a good time to be sober, for always playing with fire and having the need to learn life via the good old art of ‘trial and error.’

First of all, i watched ‘Toy Story 3’ in 3D last night, after a big salad at an italian restuarant called ‘Ask’ (you nosey beggars.) The film began at 9.50pm and finished at five past midnight. It sure as hell sent me boz eyed! I was practically blind and walking into walls afterward. I loved the movie…because i’m humoured by the lush bi-sexual, snake hipped Ken doll. Yet let me tell you, watching toys come alive in 3D, makes you go fricking BLIND! I was total Glamour puss extra-ordinaire, until my eyes rolled into one another,making me unable to tell my *whoop-dee* from my *hoohaa.* Wait! I’ve lost my train of thought? What i meant to say was…don’t talk to me at 5.53am, if i’ve just got in from a movie and become BLIND! Secondly, i love my mother and really, i enjoy her telling me i’ll let her! I think it makes her feel motherly? Like she has the power to control an unruly, dynamic, ‘puss in high heeled boots.’ I worry her. BNut i always have. This morning we talked secrets and decided on making a very big change in my life!

Anyway, what was i gonna say? Oh yeah! So all my friends, (who have my number.) I love how that insinuates that some of my friends don’t…and well that’s true! 🙂 They all spent their Sunday morning texting me and telling me about their drunken evening before. I love this, as it makes me believe i’m some kind of Party Guru! Everyone gets trollied, gets into trouble, finds heartache or sex and the first thing they do on a Sunday morning, (whilst holding thier head in regret) is text ME! The Ultimate Queen of legendary behaviour. Why do they do it? Simply because i make them feel ebtter about the trouble they’ve just got themselves into! *Yeah, Yeah Daddio!* (Getting a Flashback of a time i had a fight with a drag queen. I decided to politely call her a  ‘Butch Bitch’ after she called me a ‘Tranny.’ Hah..oh those where the days! Let the weaves fight it out!)

I had one friend begin his Saturday night tale with a ‘It all got a bit bi-sexual.’ I had another tell me that they wanted a doughnut whilst stalking ‘Shaun Smith’ but ‘eating was cheating.’ (He’s one of those that falls in love and starves himself for weeks, until he’s thin. he runs mile and miles, only to reach heartbreak and a *block* off Facebook.) Another kitten of mine with a jawline, that could melt the heart of [insert something humourous in here…i can’t be arsed to think,] has made the executive decision to only date ‘celebrities and multi-millionaires from now on.’ I’m sort of his BBm life coach. I *hand hold* him through his dates and boy choices. I told him that i remember being in Hollywood at around 21 years of age and declaring that  statement to the world….and ofcourse a homeless guy on 3rd streeet because he was the only one who would listen to my drunk babble. Luckily he’s only 19! Therefore i’m super proud! He’s learning fast! It fools me into believing my shitty written word works…if everyone learnt from my mistakes, they’d get through them a hell of a lot more quickly that i did! (You DO have to make them, in order to be real life minx! But now, you can totally balls up…flip through a chapter of MY life, she when it happened and why it happened…and move on with a *wink* that will sail you inot your next adventure. ) I’ve lived a rollercoaster of a life..but i got a happy ending and a real one with rainbows and fairies! (As opposed to one, where you end up paying $50. I KNOW, that if i tunned through to a perfect end…which is actually the beginning to a whole new life… then EVERYONE will! I’m hear to guide you to it safely…in a rather unconventional manner! *Wink-Pout*

For those of you who are young, know that you can live, love and get up to mishief. You’ll be okay, in the end! That’s what being young is all about.

For those of you who are old and have not fully felt like you’ve lived…know that you can start celebrating your existance at ANY time. You have been given 100 years to do whatever you wish. I mean in 10 years (my twenties..that i’m still in by the way, for a few more delicious months) i’ve pretty much creamed off everything and then some!  I cannot even BELIEVE what i’ve gotten up to! I’ve lived it crazy celeb  filled Hollywood life, full of marriages, sex, heartache, fun, telly appearances, laughter, hotel rooms and cocktails. Only to get bored, come back to England and end up on the telly..with Paris Hilton? Hilarious! I thought i’d run out of ideas. Yet life handed me another challenge, just recently! 🙂 I’m labelling my 20’s ‘My Hollywood years and weddings.’ I really lost myself and found myself and i’ve loved every waking second.

 I guess i’m just a girl that was put on this earth to tell HER story! It’s like i’m an experiment. I do not know another person like me. I walk into Tom Foolery, without even trying! It’s actually magical! I’m really open about everything that happens to me, and hopefully i’ll be getting more open shortly. I just need to sort out that *secret* that i have (and i don’t mean my *thing-a-ling*,) then it will all come out, and you will ALL be jaw dropped! Woohoo! I’m actually a bit scared because i’m making big decisions the sort that change your life! But what i know about me, is that i’m a kitty that always lands on her perfectly pedicured ‘tippy toeage’…..just! 😉 *Shimme here.*

I kinda need to get ready, because i have a day of spray tans, grooming, nail extensions, and shopping to get through. Yes…it’s sooo hard being me! 🙂 I haven’t had time to spend a lot of time on me recently. So i can’t wait!

Tomorrow, i got to see my Publisher! How exciting! If i could be a writer for the rest of my life, i would be one happy bunny, with boobies! Fingers crossed, because i really don’t want all this to go balls up! So we’ll have to see!

I’m in Doncaster today! If you see me, say Hello!



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