A little bit Surreal and Boyband Jonny

Okay so i was gonna tell you about my day in at the ‘Britains Got Talent’ tour in Sheffield, but so much happened, a lot of blagging, a lot of lying, a lot of good times, a random adventure, signing my name over faces on boards, a delicious hot blond called Rachel, a wine & cigarette pinic and then oddly being offered cups of tea backstage whilst i was sat in this ‘eating area’ with my guest pass next to DJ Talent (who i have a new found respect for,) Flawless, Diversity, the grandad from ‘2 Grand,’ Aiden, Boyle and Stephen Mulhern…(who was also amazing.) I can’t tell you the story of the day, simply because i can’t absorb it. It’s been far too surreal! But let me say i’ve really lived today, really proved that i get what i want if i want it bad enough, know that lying works and i’m recrowning myself as the official Queen of Greatness! OMG! I’ll write it tomorrow…when it’s sunk in. I can’t believe it!!

What i will tell you though is that i just got off the phone to ‘Boyband Jonny’ (who i’ve made the executive decision to adore..i LOVE talking to this being) and well he’s informed me that on our first date or ‘wedding’ night (ooh another wedding for ‘The Wunna.’ He can be my 4th ex-husband ) he would very much like me to bring (no not my pretty self) but a hot girl, get naked and then like the pervert that he is, suggests than we intimately smear ourselves in white chocolate!! White fucking chocolate???? Okay i thought he was being a normal little ‘lovely’.. with the ‘girl on girl’ party pop…but really the white chocolate thing is just awful, wrong and something his Mother should have been ashamed of. It’s pervy! I’m not smearing myself in white chocolate. I’d rather eat my own eyes! You should’ve heard his voice!! He was erotically panting and rubbing his ‘privates.’ I think it’s love.

We’re both mentally ill and it’s working. We fight, we swear, i’ve only seen him for 10 minutes in the flesh in my whole entire life, we talk every day, text all day through it and although we’re super affectionate, some say passionate, loving people…we’re a complete pair of bastards! He loves me deeply, at the same time as bullying me and it turns me on, because i’m a sick bitch. I am so attracted to him, to the point where i’ve now confused myself. Know that I’ve only known him a week. (LOL. It’s very Chrissie Wunna of Me…running full speed ahead, blinded by emotion, throwing skin to the wind. )  He’s either pretty ‘amazing’ or just knows how to play this shit? Like he knows how to wind me up and it’s getting fucking sexy. He’s expressive, he’s forward and i’m letting him take my virginity.But only after i’ve had my martini, felt up a minor and kicked an abusive toddler. I’ll probably be over him in another 2o minutes..but for now i want to sit on his willy and bounce on it to mood music. (Dont hate!) He wants my address so he can sit in my yard with binoculars at night and hunt through my trash cans, and sniff my panties. This will end badly….it’s all going too well. We’re far too feisty for this to work out.