A little Bit of Boat Rocking November 21, 2010 by Chrissie Well the bliss of Sunday morning DRAMA has begun. Sunday’s are pointless, if there isn’t any inter-generational bickering occuring. I woke up feeling wonderful, yet now i’m feeling quite ‘half full.’ ( I hate half of anything.) Last night i spent the evening with Loverboy. Well i spent the whole day with him. He cooked me lunch, we had a perfectly merry time of ‘true love.’ I simply tended to resting thoroughly and because for some bizarre reason i found myself feeling exhausted! Anytime i had a moment on the sofa alone. Instead of causing my usual kitty cat chaos, to the soothing sound of ‘in your face’ laughter. I simply fell asleep and with Harry Potter on my telly, a kitten on my chest and a human being of the female gender kicking away in my belly, like her life depended on bongo playing. (Woohoo, to the soon to be most ethnic baby in town!) Anyway, i’ll cut the crap. Lovely night. We really had fun. I completely hated not being able to have a drink. I’m half loving my body, yet half wishing i was able to flaunt my OLD body in various venues of ‘goodtime.’ Yeah, i’m extremely happy i’m having a baby, but looking in the mirror and completely seeing a different person (and i only mean physically…i’m still as ‘feisty’ as ever,) really does a number of your emotional security! For the first time in my ENTIRE life, i’m being dipped into a the mindset of a girl that maybe doesn’t love everything about her body. I’m forever, confident and sassy. I am! I am! However, i really cannot wait, to just get back to how i once physically looked AND enjoyed myself. (There was a moment yesterday evening when Pete left me at his, whilst he went to work for a couple hours. I slept the whole time, missed my mum and felt bored. I did it because he wanted me to. He likes to come home and find me in his living room because it’s a rare. Now, i’m wishing i went home…and this is why!) About an hour ago, i was gleefully laid on Loverboys black leather sofa, giggling, winking and up to my usual tricks of ‘ohh laa.’ He was telling me how much i meant to him, singing rubbish love songs to me and well we were getting ready to go to our usual Sunday dinner at his parents house. At this point i’m happy. Very happy. During this process he flops out his phone in order to show me a picture of the kitten that i bought him for his b-day…to prove how much he had grown. He passes his phone over to me and i look at the picture, whilst laid on my back to rest my *bump.* He has 3 crap pictures of me on his phone and well i ask him whether i can look through the rest of his pictures because i believe the pictures that a person keeps on their phone, can tell you a lot about them. (for example, the only photos i have saved upon my Blackberry are ALL OF ME 🙂 and of the ‘modelling‘ catergory. I’m a natural born ego maniac..therefore my photo seletion of ‘save’ much, will immediately tell a ‘being’ this! He FREELY agrees to let me look through his photos and a a bunch of videos. I scroll forward and see a boring picture of a tub of ice cream, then i get to the next one and it’s a frozen image of a blurry club scene, that he tells me is a video that again i am free to watch. WRONG MOVE! Infact, he tells me how to play it and i foolishly do. For the next 5 minutes i got to watch joyous video of his friend and his EX-GIRLFRIEND in a club merrily partying, as he filmed. I looked at his face and he smiled at me sneakily, like he wanted me to watch it. There were hundreds fo them. I watched 5 minutes of one and it made me feel sick. I immediately stopped the video quietly and calmly (which good for me, i’m not a quiet or calm girlie..which means you’ll need to watch your every move when this moment occurs) and he told me i could ‘delete’ ANYTHING i wanted. Instead of ‘deleting‘ the hundreds of videos he had of his ex, i scrolled to the end of his photos and without him knowing deleted the 3 pictures that he had of ME! I’m not getting involved in his past torment of tragic heartache memorabilia. I have tits and everything. How dare he disrepect me!! They’re like some chavvy, fugly fest of a couple!! I threw his phone back at him…didn’t say a single word and then again CALMLY got up, told him that i wanted to go home and began to do my face and pack my bags ready for home. (Delicious moment.) He didn’t say anything or move…which means he for some reason didn’t believe i was going to leave? How wrong of him…. Now, it’s not the fact that i watched the video. (It is PARTLY that, because it’s never nice for anyone really, with a cuppa tea.) But it’s more the fact that he LET me watch it, wanted me to watchwith a smile and worst of all has sort of secretly kept hours of video clipped memories of his ex-girlfriend, on his phone and has never deleted them. He’s kept them and probably watched them every once in a while and reminised. I actually..weirdly…felt really hurt. I know i felt hurt, because no actual Wunna tantrum was made. I quietly and calmly…asked to go home..and because i needed to be alone and just have a big old cry. It made me feel stupid or something? I hate it when boys i date keep videos and photos etc…on their phone (which is readily accessible) when they’re dating me. In minutes flat it made everything he ever said to me seem not real or pure. It made me feel like he still cared about her and i can’t be with someone like that. Be it true or not. He’s kept all the videos and the photos and the night before, whilst he was making dinner he randomly talked about how he used to argue about how his ex believed he was dillusional for believing he could achieve anything more than what they had because they were set for a modest life of ‘average’ and simplicity, where they would earn a part-time wage between them and never have a life of luxury…like her parents did. He spoke about it passionately..and rather randomly. Whenever someone randomly brings another up. It’s usually because that person is planted upon their mind. Loverboy hardly ever speaks about anything passionately. I’M very much the passionate, fiery, outspoken one. Therefore, i’m not liking any of all this right now. I hate that he keeps happy videos of them AND lets me watch them. I packed, told him to apologize to his parents for me, ( i couldn’t sit at a table full of TeamLoverboy and pretend i was happy. I’m far to polite to be mad at dinner and far too emotionally stubborn to be nice to him through it. I’m as glamourously real as it gets. I feel let down.) When i was all packed up, he did this repulsive smiley pretend ‘sad face’ at me, with downward turned lips, attempting the art of ‘cute’ but failing miserably. I just thought he looked like a twat and wasn’t taking my calm ‘i want to go home now’ seriously. Like it was some kind of joke? If i’m hurt or pissed off, ‘cute’ ain’t gonna save you, because by this point i’ll already find you ugly. If you ridicule the strength of my feelings…you’re pretty much in for it because i’ll depsise you even more, for being disrespectful. Diamonds, dinner and expenisive gifts work though!! Hello material girl! Lets empty that wallet! Anyway, he finally got the picture. He was mildy confusd because like i said there was no tantrum. I was just normal, quiet, not even moody and ready for home. He did try and explain himself during the journey home, where he tried to drive me to his parents, yet finally got the message that i was serious. ( When i’m happy, then i don’t take anything seriously. It’s all a ‘wink- shimmie- champagne’ laughter. But if i’m pissed off, then my natural feist, dipped in utter stubborness, and ultimate trip of Glamour pussy power, will cut through your heart deeply and with a simple ‘look.’ I’m not a force to be reckoned with and boy will i let you know!) As he nervously bantered his way through it all during th car journey, i started to ‘fill up’ and dab down a couple of tears. Don’t you just HATE it when your tears dribble down at the exact wrong moment. UGH! Typical. Haha. But i stood my ground fiercely and my guard shot up!! I just felt stupid and all the ‘You’re silly Chrissie if you think i like…she repulses me’ just felt false. For the first time i felt better than him I let the tears fall because i’m emotional and love that about me. But i’m also ‘preggo’…and therefore would cry at a tin of beans right now. Lol I’m actually feeling much better now i’ve blogged it out. The world is my therapy. The morons that i occasionally choose to love, for a while, swagger into my life and fuck it all up. He pulled up to my drive and i quickly grabbed my bags as he was spewing out all this random ‘i love you’ crap. I always believe, ‘ i love you’s’ and ‘you’re wonderfuls’ don’t mean anything when you need your arse saved. They only matter when you don’t and you say it anyway. Our relationship is one sided in that respect. He’s a great deal more insecure than i am and therefore i’m always having to assure him of what how lovely he is and how much i believe in him. He forgets to do that with me now that he’s quite settled..and i always remind him of it. Due to the fact that he sees me as strong and knows of my confidence, he wrongly believes that he doesn’t NEED to tell me how great i am, because then i’ll know how he truely feels. I HATE THAT! It exhausts me. I’m great at making feel loved and powerful. Yet people are never as great at it with me. I don’t know why? However, what i hear is that it’s because i already know i am. Hmm..? I stormed out of his car because i just needed to be alone and breathe. I felt suffocated. He was trying to murmur something at me, but i just looked him in the eye and said, ‘I just don’t wanna be with you right now.’ As i swung the door, he half shouted, ‘You can’t just do that when….’ But i can…and i did. I ran into my house, locked the door, breathed, ran upstairs and had a big old ‘much needed’ (hah) Princess cry whilst sat on my bed, after stuffing two of those candy, chocolate, dessicated coconut mushroom sweets in my face, that i found in a rolled up plastic orange Sainsbury’s bag. Like what is it with me?? When i’m loving to a boy and let my guard completely down they begin to swagger this awful sense of bravado (which i guess i have created) and then try to toy with me emotionally. You’re meant to learn my tricks and use them on OTHER people and not use them against me…you amateurs! Right now, i’m happily home alone and he’s 6 minutes away at his parents having dinner, where he will be lying about why i am now absent. Once i’ve calmed down..and i have already, i’ll beable to see him again, because we were meant to be renting ‘The Notebook’ tonight so i could watch him cry untrollably and laugh. I’m gonna get showered and relax now. I guess i’ve been a bit too happy of recent, therefore i derserve a bit of ‘boat rocking.’ I enjoy that he leaned in to kiss me last night, whilst we were in a mirror ended hallway. You will NEVER have my full attention if there is a mirror a ‘catwalk’ away from me. I pouted, posed and kitty hair-tossed, completely oblvious to the fact that he was perfoming the ‘lean on.’ He then turned the lights off, but i had already begun my *wiggle-wiggle* strut off. My argument for not realizing he needed a smooch went like this, ‘WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO SEE YOU, WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE OFF!’ (Yes he is half black..) The good thing about falling out with him is the fact that i can now be evil to him and make him work for my love AND i can actually name my upcoming baby girl WHATEVER I WANT!! Okay…shower needed.! I’m bored of him now. I’m Chrissie Wunna and i’m accidentally destroying lives glamourously.