I’ve just been used by a table of drunks that consisted of a gay and a lesbian, who were bored at a restuarant carvery. I’m at home tonight, flirting with a bottle of rum, in the warmth, watching telly, and commiting to being rather hilarious. I’ve prank called strangers all night, for no reason what so ever really? I actually don’t mind it when i get pranked at all. What most dear folk forget about me, is that for an overly boobied, eyelashed asian doll, i actually possess the GREATE
ST sense of humour. I love a good time, a laugh, a piss-take, i can take a joke and well as you know, i’m willling to put my pretty arse on the line for the random pitiful sake of humour. I’m the joker of the pack. And i think if you can’t laugh at things, especially yourself…then you’re pretty pretty foolish.
Anyway, the Gays & lesbos at a Carvery decide they’re gonna call me up (whilst i’m in the privacy of my own home) simply to ask me if i had ever had sex with a girl? I really believed they wanted my honest answer (which is ‘Yes! Four…but i like MEN.) I couldn’t date a girl, it would do my head in and well i’d never get my naughty kicks fulfilled, as we all know i LOVE men and LOVE a bit of the old ‘rumpy’ in the bedroom. I was created for the simple purpose of ‘slap & tickle,’ and really what more can lesbians do.. but eat each other out and ‘muff’ rub to techno. (It dun’t half burn.) I need more. I need man. That’s just foreplay.
However, anyway it seemed they didn’t want to hear my jolly truth AT ALL and just ( I think the lesbian was called ‘ Sue’) wanted to hear me talk dirty on speakerphone at a family restuarant carvery…Therefore i was instructed via a phone conversation to re-tell my story, but like i loved it, seductively and well i guess the term is LIE. Now i’m Chrissie Wunna. I’ve never had a proper full one on one conversation with a lesbo before…so i interogated Sue and demanded to know everything about her life, starting with ‘ Are you Butch??’
It turns out that at 11 years old, she realized men could no longer give her orgasms and therefore she drove her bus to the other side of the fence & frankly agrees that men are dickheads. (But they really can’t help it, can they.) They love you, they hate you, they love you, then hate you, they marry you, they love you, you iron their shirts. That’s how fairy tales should go. But anyway Sue likes lipstick lesbians & has been invited to 10 Downing street! (God is someone really barking at me from outside my window??? You can’t bark at me when your wearing ‘Glow in the Dark’ skulls! I’m a good person. I tried to make a fucking Santas Grotto out of logs today for the community children. I actually drank so much, i fell into my own creation…repeatedly with the bottle in my own hands. Woohoo!)
On the bright side ( a side that i can always find.) I’m glad i got to have a naughty one on one with a proper lesbian today. It’s a first for me…even if it did end with Sue demanding i was taken away. Now i have to deal (after calling and leaving crude messages on peoples phones) with this boy that’s sitting on my bed crying because he wants to be ‘not broken up’ with his girlfriend. They have one of these delicious ‘on & off’ shindigs, but you can tell that they are secretly MADLY in love with each other. I love it. I love love. I always live by my heart and encoruage people to make a go of things if they still care, after a ‘while’ has taken place. Y’know throw caution to the wind and all that, because ‘real love’ is something that doesn’t come around as often as you believe. He actually broke up with her for no real reason ages ago. Now he wants her. (Ofcourse! I told you fairytales were way more complicated.) The girl in question’s not bothered (but you can tell she is…’love’ is ‘love.’) Therefore all he feels he can do is cry and ‘pretend’ back. UGH! Annoying much! You can’t hide how you feel about someone…everyone can always see it. Even i can and i’m a pisshead.
Now i’ve always said this thing about exes and never touching them. But let me tell you…it’s lies, because what i’ve learnt in life and remember i’ve dated HUNDREDs of boys and really only deeply cared for two of them and they would both know who they are…well should do? I will tell you that, you can break up with someone and watch them grow as a person. And when they do…you can fall back ‘in love’ with them quite easily and make it work. I mean Ozzy Osbourne tried to real life MURDER Sharon. But in the end She loved him…and not only have they been together for the long run, but they look like the one of the happiest couples i’ve ever seen. They understand each other! The key is to keep people out of your business & a solid ‘connection.’ I’m NEVER swayed by what other people think. Never say never. Do what YOU want.
Be brave enough to make the right choices, and voice them. Know that ‘strength’ isn’t just in ‘leaving’ people. It’s in being able to love them unconditionally too after giant big shits of storms. That’s not weak it fucking takes a lot of kahunas..and you only know you have found that ‘real’ thing called ‘Love’…when that ‘unconditional’ happens.
I’ve just recieved two bbm voice notes. First one from Mark Byron & a gaggle of happy drunk people screaming ( and in chorus: ’ Chrissie WE LOVE YOOOOOOU!’ WE LOOOOOVE YOOOOOU!’
Next one from Gay Adam: ‘ Chrissie we’re watching x-factor!!! GET ME LLOYD! I WANT LLOYD!!’
( I love that people think of me when they’re completely fucking trashed.)
Ooh just got another one in from Jazz saying: ‘I’m not drunk, but i thought i would join the club. Woooohooooo!’