I got in at 5am this morning, I’ve had one hours sleep due to 3 of my last drinks (at 4am) being double vodka RED BULLS. So much happened that i wouldn’t even know where to begin, and this morning i sat on the floor of my hotel room, trying to sip a cuppa tea, whilst trying to be sick in the trash can. I can’t open my eyes much longer, and i’ve only just got home (7.01pm,) so i better get on with this shit. (I’m skimming it. I can’t handle detail right now. Ugh! My eyes are stinging and i’m being bombarded messaged by my gays…who i love, when i can see.)
Started with feeling stranded at Peterbrough train station, looking like a bouji homeless lady, who thought she was famous. I got sniffed by a dog, the same ‘fluff’ as my coat, then was luckily saved by my new friend Rachel. (Who’s way too sexy for her shirt!) Fries, overly nice and extremely wonderful hotel service. Then 2 bottles of wine with Rachel and Laura on my hotel bed, dressed as Barbies, smoking out of a giant window in my ‘no smoking’ room and watching ‘Britains Got Talent.’ (But kinda not watching it, due to eyelash failure….and wine.)
Went to the first bar, got stared at, the girls did blue sticky shots that i refused to toy with, simply because my hand could now stick to things. Trollied off to another place. Got stared at. Some good ‘You’re Chrissie’ stares, and bad ‘Get over yourself’ stares. I love them all. As long as they are staring, i’m dandy. Finally got to ‘LOADED’ it was launch night. It was all new and packed. Immediately got sozzled on champagne in the V.I.P. Went outside for air. Rachel goes to the toilet for a pee. Mid pee, she falls asleep (on the loo) and wakes up 2 hours later. She had a shit night. Not only were some old disco birds, with bad face paint starting a fight with her mid- cocktail purchasing. ( I mean, please do not disturb the ordering of booze.) But later whilst we were wiggling, winking and ‘look at me’ dancing on the stage thing, someone actually fucking STOLE her HANDBAG. (Chav much?)
Anyway, i did hunt for her for a good 5 seconds whilst she was falling alseep in the loo, but then decided to just wallow in attention and party my little arse off. Not sure how, but i was picturing with girls and ended up with a glow stick and a whistle around my neck? (Signs of a good night.) Danced everywhere. Had a chitter chatter (if a cheeky feel up counts as that) with Jody Latham (from Shameless) who was opting for being TRASHED!! Loved it! Great guy. So much fun. My body loves his over active grubby hands of drunk. I think he was making out with my neck, whilst i was frowning. Then bumped into..(well not really bumped…just looked in front of Me) Kelvin Fletcher who would only natter with ‘The Wunna’ if i ‘wanted some ‘Andy Sudgen’ (his wife beating character in Emmerdale) in me.‘ HAHAHA! He relayed the message via my drunk friend.
Ofcourse, i hear such news and immediately storm/jiggy on through the dance floor, between hoards of chicas and basically pulled him toward ‘le chest’ and said,’ Did u really say, you wouldn’t talk to me if i didnt have Andy Sudgen in ME!!!!‘ He just laughed, said he was ‘joooooking’ and then proceeded to randomly throughout the night, come and gangsta dance with me on the dance floor. He’s actually a really good dancer. Surprising right! Yep i had Kel gyrating all over me, numerous times and my body accepted it quite nicely. Great guy, good fun. End of the night, (when Rachel had refound us all,) no-one wanted to leave. We’re we all begging the DJ to keep playing ‘ONE MORE.’ (Like desperately delicious party whores! We were actually quite pathetic. Lol) It turned into chanting and everyone DEMANDED more ‘good times.’ (It didn’t work.)
Long story short…after a few girls decided to slag me off to Laura (my wine friend) with a ‘look at Chrissie, she thinks she’s all that,’ but then turned around and told me how much they loved me on the show, when i was actually in front of them. Funny how that happens innit??? For the record, yes i do think i’m all that, but i really was just sitting being drunk at a table and pouting at myself in the ginormous mirrored wall. Thats not ‘i think i’m better than you.’ That’s ‘I am tragic, leave me to it.’ I can’t win. If i’m all ‘party party rah-rah,’ i get ridiculed for showing off. (Which is actually my favourite.) Then if i’m all ‘sit down cos i’m a bit drunk’ i apparently think i’m better than everyone else. (And i do.) Luckily i don’t aim to please. (I can’t believe someone stole Rachel handbag.) Ended up having to stay at the club for AGES!! There we were Rach, all the staff and I, littering the floor with exhausted bodies. I looked like a neon mess of a hooker. It was now light outside.
I’m knackered. I feel awful. Had the best time ever. Spaudling rocks for a small town. It’s another place i’ve managed to glamourously ‘smear’ on, and i remember being squashed inside a 2 seater sports car at 5am this morning, whilst hiding from the police. Good Times baby!! Winks! x