Life Lesson: DO NOT EVER ATTEMPT TO HIRE A ‘ROLY POLY’ strippergram for someone’s birthday, when you really don’t know if the person intended for the kinky treat is actually in the building, at the time the ‘Roly Poly’ is due OR if you do not actually know if it is the victims birthday afterall. I mean…for F***’s sake.
We’ve had drama’s all morning, trying to reschedule our Roly Poly stripper from Manchester (ooh the glamour )..and mainly because she had argumentative thieves as her East End London agents..who not only tried to fine me a £4oo cancellation fee. (Erm…’ Pay what? I don’t think so..i paid a holding deposit of £25, i’m resheduling, not cancelling.’) To the point where i had to set my good friend Karan on them. Team Bitch. Holy shit, i passed over my Blackberry and well KARAN (who had unfortunately had a gentleman named ‘Neil’ feel her boobies for a tenner, by a treadmill. I mean, if you’re gonna feel a 50 year old lady up, don’t do it by exercise equipment. It kills the passion…especially after trying to dry hump her on a stair, climby thingy? I don’t know what that fucking thing is? I only go to the gym to wear my outfits, socialize and be a pervert. Why would ANYONE decent want to constantly be climbing a bunch of moving stairs, that don’t actually lead anywhere? And for what? To get felt up by people named ‘Neil.’ At least i got a tenner.)
Long story short…Karan told that ‘Roly Poly’ east end London agent, what for…northern style. Which is simply, via the art of lying, being shouty, then pissing yourself afterward with a cuppa tea, with a shania Twain track playing in the background. I kicked back in my kitten heels on my wheely chair and giggled at her magic. I can’t be shouty at thieves over the phone, because i’m not evil enough…i’m more visual. I wink myself out of problems with wiggles. I’ve had a hilarious day with Karan. We’ve bitched and belly laughed ALL DAY and enjoyed those moments you’ll always remember. I’ve made the executive decision to take her with me everywhere…even though she can’t spell ‘grateful.’ Whenever i have a problem that life simply won’t let me wiggle and wink out of…i’ll let Karan out of a box and point at the problem and wait for her to *ATTACK.* Great morning!
Other than that, and being swindled by thieves. I reached a peak of utter giddy excitement, only to find myself and actually out of complete boredom FILL my PERV QUOTA..by noon. UGH! I moved so fast today mentally…that my legs were playing catch-up. I had perved on every piece of gym totty available. (Not much talent. I spent a moment complaining to my friend Amber…whilst being loud and pointy shouting…’GOD there’s just NO EYE CANDY for Perv Thursay!!!’)
On the whole good day. I’m feeling fun. I’m feeling flirty. I’m feeling sexy and quite aptly adored right now. I’m being charmed by the boys and winked at by the girls. I’ve decided that my favourite Lesbian is ‘Ellen Degeneres.’ Yep, my new girl crush. I’ve finally got my brand new luxury ‘can’t wait to spill wine all over it’ sofa. It came this morning, when i had rollers in my hair and a darling daughter still refusing to wake up, due to satin sheets getting the better of her. I like that habit already. Unfortunately i then found myself having to go to work…and sat on a brick wall in hot pink, waiting for a cab. I looked all tragic and alone. I hate waiting for anything. I don’t think we should have to. We apparently spend one entire 3rd of our life waiting. That’s how fun we are. Lol. I’ll never wait for anything again.
I’m currently in an office, chewing on gum, covered in my tropez tan, in a black dress, looking at Karan and Tweeting that i’ve ‘got the moves like Jagger.’ I’m bored and totally need my nails done. I mean what kinda of a Glamour Puss am I? I’m weirdly feeling rebellious, but only because i’m bored. I get naughty, when i have nothing to tend to. Lets all turn our backs on Mother Nature and get to ‘Ruling The World.’
Life is good. NEVER hire a ‘Roly Poly’ stripper. Oh and well done to all of you who got your A Level results. #scarymuch.