Christmas seems to look better on cards and movies. Now, i’m by NO means a scrooge. I adore me a bit of tinsel, light, laughter and elves. The campness and warmth of it all, fills my spirit up with ‘ooh laa.’ Plus,I’m a December born baby…which means it’s a month of utter celebration. Yet, let me tell you, i have just trundled through the deepest of snow, wrapped up like the most terrifying abominable beast of a puss, with heavy bags stuffed with girly Wunna ‘must-haves,’ eskimo boots and a lady i believe is my Mother hooked onto the left part of my body. Not only was it dark, cold and snowing, some kind of glistenning powedery fluff that melts…but we had to walk miles together, due to having to leave our car at the top of the road, in order to not get ‘snowed in’ in the morning. We both have work to get to. I’m gonna sit in a gym and pretend to look busy…Mother will be looking at peoples vaginas and making them better..for Christmas?
I arrived covered in layers of heavy snow, with my feet wet from my snow boots, and my ‘Hollywood bounce’ hair drowned in ‘nothing like in the movies.’ In Christmas movies, children merrily frolock in the night time snow, gleefully, like crack heads, with candy canes and over-sized gifts. Even the cards are spritzed in glitter and happy scenes of ‘merry.’ In REAL life…you see the glittery sheen upon the laiden snow, yes you do, you do! However, there ain’t no joyful music, with luscious laps of prezzie delight. You see that ‘sheen’ and you hope to GOD that you aren’t gonna slip over it and break every bone in your beautiful face. There’s no music. Just a cold, wet fear of ‘cautious much!’ I looked like a crappy joke that you find in a cracker…waddling from side to side, with flakes flying into my eyes, my hair drenched and with a belly full of baby. Yeah, it was pretty hilarious. But only because i did the walk with my mother. Moments are always better when you jolly them along with a partner in crime. If you do them alone…it always feels way more tragic! lol
Anyway, i worked all day. I began it grumpy, after a icey struggle to work with Loverboy and ended the day on a much warmer note, with direct debits in my hands and a diet coke to my right. I’m still loving work and enjoying the people i work with. I read smutty ‘bedtime’ stories to eager exotic dancers. Admired Lucy’s cherry chocolate hair, played ‘giggle-wink’ with the boys and really wanted to steal a Lion bar, yet refrained from doing so, when i realized they were only 50p. (I can’t believe my laptop is actually working. I lugged it through snow, like my life depended on it. It got horrifically wet..so i wiped it down with kittens named ‘Gucci.’ It now works, meaning my logic is greatness.)
Okay, so…away from work! Last night, i tried to make Loverboy give me a massage. I was so exhausted and when i am..it’s best that do you as i say, otherwise i can get a little prickly. I think we had a jolly old bicker about nothing much and when we made up, i went in for the ‘now can i have a massage.’
Pete’s not too giving when it comes to such foolery. He’s one of those who can’t be arsed to massage anyone, or anything. He’d much prefer a ‘being’ rubbing HIM down. I’m the exact same way…which can be a problem. Especially because i don’t LOVE compromise.
Anyway, he half-heartedly rubbed my back, with zero effort and a face like thunder. I got moody with him for not making an effort and started telling him off for not caring to take ‘TEN minutes out of his, oh so, precious life’ to ease the pain of his very pregnant, kitty cat. ( I always use that!) It worked, quite well…yet not well enough for my standards. He gave a jolly 50%. Therefore i commited to being a giant pain in the ‘whoop-dee’ and cunningly made him jealous, by showing him bodies i like of other boys, as punishment, until he fully commited to the massage! Nbice, aren’t i! HAHAHA.
Luckily, it worked. I know my ‘ooh laa’ well! [Evil laugh here.] Pete’s a sucker for a flirty girl! Therefore with a ‘You always cunningly get your own way,’ he gave me the best back massage i could ever wish for!! It started off calm and loving. However, then he got a bit carried away and tried to make me imagine trees and gardens, in order to make me fall asleep so he wouldn’t have to rub me down anymore. Lol. A professional back rubber, (and i’ve enjoyed many) would tell you to imagine calm, colours and sunsets. Pete told me to imagine…goats…in sheep…in gardens?? WTF!!
Firstly, farmyard animals terrify me…after i got nuzzled in the vagina by a billy goat gruff, when i was seven at a petting zoo.