When your date ends with one of the two parties having to frantically escape and shout ‘Fuck THE HELL off,’ you know it’s a sign of happiness. Not really, OMG…it was terrible! And i’ve left my ‘DIRT’ belt in his fucking car. NOoooooooo! My ‘DIRT’ belt, is of great sentimental value to me. It’s made of diamantes and metal, and obviously spells out the word ‘DIRT.’ It did used to say ‘DIRTY’ but after 4 tequila shots in the Belmonte in LA and me accidently taking a Vicodine, (Oops..haha) given to me by a boy that was trying to woo my heart…so to speak. I ended up passed out and waking up puking in this tiny room of red, on a red sofa, with trance music playing, a lime green fedora on my head, i remember a boy with an afro and a newspaper on my face. I looked down and the ‘Y’ had fallen off. It said it all for me really…It was the night my status shuffled over from being giggle, giggle ‘DIRTY’ to just plain old useless ‘DIRT.’ My other guy friend on the way home proceeded to shovel actual soil (dirt) from someones garden, into my Bloomingdales bag, so i’d always remember.. It’s weird as my ‘DIRT’ belt, now reminds me to be clean….and that nuisance from last night HAS IT!!!!! (NOooooooooooooo!)
So anyway, he picks me up and we go to dinner. The car journey is extremely awkward because i could smell is nervousness…his sweaty palms. He didn’t really know what to say to me…but that was okay, as i’m use to such behaviour. I ultra glammed up my attire. I do this deliberately. It makes people feel uncomfortable, which makes me laugh…haha! I’m a moron. Not sure why my presence or attire brings out an awkward ‘whoosh’ of air, but it does creating a medium i flourish in!! It’s silent, it’s sexy and it all goes down hill from there really. I noticed that the more i complimented him, the more comfortable he felt, but then he kept going on about his brother ‘George’ who had AIDS and how horrible it is. Not being funny or anything, but that’s not a topic to repeatedly discuss on a first date. AIDS?? (Hahahahaha. Jesus CHRIST!) Every other line was about ‘George with AIDS.’ It’s all i remember about the him, who i’m going name ‘Widdle Worm.’ (I’ll get to that later.) I asked him a million questions, and the answers where just ‘George has AIDS.’ I mean, what the HELL is WRONG with you???? How fucking romantic. It’s like ‘Georgey Pordgey Pudding and Pie, Kissed the Girls and made them…..(this is a bad joke) DIE!!
Went to dinner, which was lovely. Especially because there was booze. ‘Widdle Worm’ kept calling me ‘Chrissie Wunna’ the whole night,which was a bit odd? (Yeah, i’m aware it’s my name…but we’re on a date, not having a school register!!) ‘So Chrissie Wunna what do you like to do’ (Erm…pose topless.) ‘So what does Chrissie Wunna want to drink?’ (Well Anything …to stop me hearing you.) He was very obsessed with my life, my world, my job and well everything. Which i actually like because i love hearing and talking about myself and its good that he takes an common interest in the stuff that i do. (Like i hate it when a boy comes up to me and says ‘Oh i don’t read your blog, or I don’t watch your show, or i don’t like models but…..i like you.‘) Why tell me you don’t like anything i DO, to try and get into my knickers!?! LOL. I’m an ego maniac. I don’t like that!
Luckily, he got TRASHED after about 2 glasses of wine. (Which i don’t like too much as he has to drive me home.) But he really relaxed, started being himself (liquid courage all the way) and started saying i looked like ‘Kimora lee Simmons.’ (Which again …i like. Hahah) The ‘Widdle Worm’ goes on to ask me who i thought HE looked like…. I hate games like this…as i feel like people are always fishing for compliments and i want to rebel against doing the right thing. So i paused, thought and just said (in my Bimbo STD voice) ‘You look like Where’s Wally!’ (He really did.) ‘Widdle Worm’ didn’t like me after that point of the evening! (HAHAHA) He is not someone to be teased or made fun of. (I should set him up with Carrie! They could create a world of sherbert and fountains and he could hide in crazy masses of people and tell her to find him!!)
Anyway date moves on to comdy Kareoke. I LOVE kareoke and all of my boyfriends need to love making a complete tit out of themselves….to music. So i go up and sing, ’I just called to say i love you, and Eminem ‘Shake that.’ I have fans now, so i can do anything up there and have people cheer, scream , worship me and want to take pictures! He goes up (and i can tell he’s terrified) especially because he made me choose his song…so i chose Dolly Partons ’9-5′ for him. (HAHAHAHA) The point is, that it’s meant to be a piss take. Like in LA ‘Latin lover’ goes up there and sings ‘Beat it’ all off key… for kicks. ‘Widdle Worm’ can’t really hum a note, but decides he going to perform (or not perform) his song like it’s an X-factor audition and take it far too seriously, especially for such a venue. There were beer bellied tramps in there!! It’s really boring and i’m not even watching anymore, i’m having my picture taken and listenning to people shout ‘GET HIM OFF!’ ( I think i even shouted it once or thrice.) Anyway, i decide i’m gonna help him out, so i ungracefully climb back up on the stage, armed with a gaggled of ‘reality tv’ fans and we all start singing Dolly Parton, and beating the crap out of him! I actually lost him. All i remember shouting is ‘Where the fuck is Wally???
‘Widdle Worm’ drives me home. By this point i already know i’ll never want to hang out with him ever again and he starts taking a detour! A FUCKING DETOUR, where you either get raped or end up under someone patio.. after getting raped. So i ask him where he’s going?? He pulls into some manky parking lot and i’m pretending like i’m not TERRIFIED and thinking ‘why the fuck did i take it too far…i shouldn’t have called him Where’s Wally!’ Now i’m going to DIE for it!!) He says he wants to look at stars. ( Just look at me goddamit. I’m a fucking STAR!!) Anyway, we’re sitting in his car, and i’m deliberately trying to stare at the NO STARS in the sky out the window. I look back and he has it out! HE HAS his PENIS out! OUT!! Infront of me. Just flobbed out, right there, all ugly and squidgey, like a worm…which isn’t good for my Ego now is it!!
Don’t know what happened but i tried to pretend like he didn’t have it out! (HAHA!) I’m an idiot. So i just carried on looking at the NO stars in the sky and thinking this is worse than Hollywood. THEN he tries to beckon me toward him, (i DON’T MOVE.) He says nothing, but does eyes like i should probably suck him off. (Eww…i mean if i fancied him i’ would’ve massaged my chops and got to it…haa, but under circumstances of ‘i never want to see you again’ this was not comfortable. I get out of his car and start walking. He comes to his senses and drives me home, with his ‘Widdle Worm’ back in his pants. Thank the LORD, and finishes his night by bald faced lying to me, by pointing at a beige stoney building, with a garden and a big blue sign and saying ‘I went to that School.’ Unfortunately for him, i did actually GO TO THAT SCHOOL…and if he went to that school, it would mean he was in my YEAR and i would know. I mean why lie about that? If you’re gonna make up a lie, go to fucking town on it!! Talk about Millions, hookers and elephant glitter explosions!! (Whatever that is? I have a vivid imagination.) Even his lies are no good.
Bottom line, i get home, he’s trying to pull me back into his car. I’m yanking myself away from him telling him to ‘FUCK OFF’ (hahaha.) He’s wasted and i slam his door, whilst strutting off into the distance…leaving my fucking ‘DIRT’ belt in his car!! NOoooooooooooooooooo! I’m either gonna now have to text him, or sacrifice my most sentimental object. I mean take my Mother, but don’t take my ‘DIRT’ belt!! I could cry! FUCK!!!