As i Tweeted a lovely couple days ago, you know you’re a wonder of a wife and enjoying the perfect married life, when you can look to your wife, one lazy afternoon and say, ‘Baby, go put that cute sailor girl outfit you have on and let me call you Rose.’ *Wiggle-Wink.’
Yes! Not quite yesterday, yet maybe the day before, my gorgeous new hubby and i tinkered with a joyous bit of ‘Sailor girl Rose’ sexy time and boy was it delicious. Now, i’m always telling you how wonderful our sex life is, as Keiran and I sre just a couple who not only ‘longtime’ love each other, yet at the same time are incredibly attracted to one another….madly. We love to keep our bedroom time filled with fun and well thanks to Ann Summers and there fabulous choices of merry themed outfits, i was able to reach for my little frilly sailor sit and slip on my over the knee striped stockings. Then armed with my slanty eyes and a ‘What do you want to call me.?’ Keiran and I enjoyed a yummy session of role play, ooh laa and magic, in the form of what i call ‘Le Bonk.’ AMAZING!
Not only that! Yet once we had finished our frollock of ‘hey hey sailor,’ and committed to our after ‘le bonk’ deep breath of satisfaction…he took one more look at me, enjoyed that my boobs didn’t quite fit my sailor cups and before you know it, i was bend over the sofa, with a giggly ‘ooh’ face, in my blue and white striped stockings and bright white stilettos, being willy tickled one more time! What a fit husband! HAHA! Whoever said marital sexy time was rubbish, just hasn’t managed to find their perfect bedroom companion. We work because we’re in love and nothing is hotter to us that hubby/wifey ‘ooh laa,’ with a cherry on top and a giggle. It’s just sooo much better, when you’re having fun with the someone you love. I’m still on Cloud 9, adoring every little inch of married life. I think i deserve a pat of the back for choosing such a good ‘forever.’ We’re each others entire world and well i look at him and not one tiny bit of me could be without him. Keiran is honestly not just the most loving man ever, the most romantic loverboy any girl could ever wish for, extremely pleasing on the eyes and a ‘there for you hubby,’ but he’s also the most magnificent father. Baby Ruby and I feel lucky to have such a being in our lives and because i’m a girl who always believed that i would never meet anyone good enough to enjoy and share Wunna land with. Not only did we let him in with open arms and warm hearts, followed by loving him and marrying him, but i also changed m name to ‘Thompson.’ If you need anything in your wardrobe dollies…you NEED to grab yourselves the Ann Summers Sailor girl suit and call yourself a name like ‘Rose.’ Lol. (I enjoy that Keiran chose ‘Rose.’ It makes me giggle because he chose a name that is seemingly so pure.)
Away from that…my new chapter called ‘Married life’ has made me want to keep up appearances and do well in life. It’s like i now have more meaning and more reasons to conquer this disco earth ball, we call ‘World.’ So i figured i would being my attempting to keep fit. WORDS OF THE FUCKING DEVIL. There i was sorting out the banking and cabbing it to my Mothers home to feed her cats, during her absence. Beautiful sunny day it was and Lord knows what happened? My mind got the better of me and failed me by fooling me into believing that a nice long WALK would be a great start to my new ‘keeping fit’ regime. If you know me personally, you know that i’m a cocktail kinda girl. I’m not a jogger. I’m not a worker outter. I’m a winker, giggler and a poshy drinker. My worst nightmare would be having to go to the gym and work out, especially if i had some evil trainer telling me to lunge for a good bum and flat stomach. Please! If i want a flat stomach and yummy bummy, i’ll just not eat carbs for a week and have a little chat with my bum. My body loves me. It listens more that it rebels.
But yeah, there I was in the middle of nowhere, about to take on a walk that would take me from one village to another and via what was meant to be a public fricking footpath. All i can say is, if you are going to put a sign up stating that there is a’ public footpath here’ with an arrow. IT BETTER HAVE PLACES TO PUT YOUR FEET and BE A PATH…and BE FOR THE PUBLIC. (Hang on one second, Keiran’s asking me for a Range Rover.)
Okay, so…hot sweaty day, i’m in a tiny denim skirt, a cute cricket jumper, my giant weave ‘o licious and my over the knee beige, wedgy FUR rimmed boots. I was armed with a handbag, a Blackberry and a plastic bag containing a red corset and some other girly essentials that you find in your mothers home, that you seemed to have left there when you were little.
WORST WALK EVER! JESUS! I must have walked miles and miles, through muddy crop fields,itchy nettles, dark scary woods, more fields, through tunnels, over fences, jumped streams, through more fields. I looked around me and there was no end in sight and i had no idea where i was. There was no path. I couldn’t turn back and i had no idea what way was forward….hahah, There i was….with my weave, drama eyeshadow and attitude problem. I then decided to get scared…i’m handy like that and wiggly totteedr with fright in my eyes..in the blistering heat..forward. Well i hoped it was forward.
After about half an hour and with no signal. I finally manged to find some kind of PATH. OH GLORY!!! I run, skip and a hop, stop swearing and gallop towards it. There’s another sign reading ‘Public footpath this way.’ (It was pointing at a SWAMP. A fucking SWAMP.’) So i ignored it and instead went under this creepy bridge, like i was out of a disturbed fairytale, to the point where i actually voiced, ‘OMG i’m actually going to get kidnapped by goblins! Ah for fucks sake! I’ve just got married!!!’
The bridge was fine. Boring actually it. Got out the other end, could finally see civilisation, smile totter towards it and then get eaten by CRAZY LOOKING DOGS, who are angrily barking at me AND CHARGING AT ME, from a distance, out of a dodgy barn and then begin chewing on me…well on my beige wedgy, fur rimmed boots.
Even in that moment, i still refused to run. I don’t do running. I hate feeling sweaty. I’m rather get eaten by dogs. But yeah, i hobbled onward, now with far less swag and finally see that i have phone reception. (At this point i’m thinking, i need to call a taxi to come get me.) I do what ever glamour puss must do in a situation of this sort and make her S>O>S call to her ‘handsome.’ A handsome hero always makes me feel calmer.
Get on the phone to Keiran, who picked up straight away due to being hungry and knowing his wife was nowhere to be found and what does he do….LAUGH at my distress and then tells me that i HAVE TO WALK THE REST OF IT HOME, because it really is good for me! UGH! I don’t know what i expected? Maybe for him to turn up from behind a nearby bush and helicopter me back to my safe and familiar back garden. But no, like a trooper…i had to go it alone and now with a ‘how long are you actually going to be, im hungry,’ looming over me. Lol. My stupid workout walk wasn’t only destroying my soul and my wedgey boots, but now also making people starve to death. I’m a marvel i know.
I still had a waaay way to go and how do you then think GOD decides to thank me for getting this far??!!?? He sends in ANOTHER DOG. One called ‘Bella’ with a middle aged, blond housewife owner, who eats Morrisons salad boxes and thinks her dog is her life. No sign of owner yet however and Bella the dog is now sniffing my bum and trying to eat me like it’s never seen a bit of Burmese bum before. UGH! That’s when the blond, middle aged housewife made a steady walk appearance, all ‘awww, isn[t she cute.’ Yeah sure, you’re dohs really sweet when she’s trying to eat me alive and abuse my bottom. Don’t worry, i’m not rude, i was raised well. I did that awkward pretend the dog is sweet thing…as it inappropriately sniffs my bum and chews my leg off. ‘Aww yeah, she’s really sweet, i love her…i thought i’d stop and wait for you. I didn’t want her to run onto the road.’ (It was then that i saw her Morrisons salad.) I now dislike dogs.
I get to the end of the giant foot path, which led me out onto a MAIN ROAD, a busy on with no pavement, where you look like a twat toddling down it, as oncoming traffic speeds by you at the speed of light. Lots of the traditional honking’ and ‘oohing.’ Lovely touch. Didn’t care. I’m now on familiar ground. It takes me ages to walk back. I stop at The Spar, buy a huge bottle of wine, drag my arse back home, swing open my gate, charge into my back garden, see my handsome husband Keiran, who’s literally pissing himself and cheering at my return. I laugh, i giggle, i perform a champion arm of victory and collapse on the sofa.
Don’t go on walks. It’s bad for you…at least i did it all in diamonds.