I’ve re-fallen madly in love with Loverboy. Madly! From what i know, relationships seem to go in waves. Points where you really love someone. Points where you don’t. Moments where you’re existing in that mode of ‘just okay’ and times where you really do wish you didn’t feel the way you felt about them…be it good or bad. At times we adore someone from a far and other times we don’t realize what’s right infront of us. Throughout my life, i’ve been in all of these phases. We all have. Infact, i could go through all of these phases in a day. Yet, i’ve noticed with Pete, aka ‘Loverboy.’ That this is the first time in a loong time, where i’ve looked to my right, smiled and thought ‘Yeah…this really is going to be Greatness.’ We’re an awesome little package of love and i never really understood it…until now.
I’ve always loved Pete. I have. Yet since his birthday 2010…which was this Thursday gone, i’ve REALLY REALLY fallen in love with him. It’s weird? I mean, if anything, i’ve truely ‘given,‘ over the past few days, (with it being ‘birthday time’ and all that jizzle.) Therefore, why has the ‘giving to him’ made me fall madly in love with him? He’s also grown a bit of the old stubble and i ADORE that on a gent, as it turns a boy, into a MAN for me. I love it. I was laid next to him yesterday afternoon, as he was asleep and i was just glaring at his face with adoration. What is happening to me? I could’ve eaten him up. But i silently just watched and like a proper creepy bitcheroo realized how beautiful he actually is. (I then did what all decent girls do and took out my bare boobies and cuddled him in bed. )
My chick friend…who likes to spill rum all over my carpet during X-Factor performances out of clumsiness. (I’m complaining, but i do enjoy it when the evening gets to that moment of the night. I sat there all *sad face* and simply wishing i had red wine stained down the front of me.) Anyway, she thinks i’ve re-fallen for Loverboy again after watching him look after his new baby kitten. The fact that he does it shirtless helps…i agree. Yet apparently my love for him is not as superficial as i thought? I know…well done me. This is a muscle i haven’t stretched in a long long while. I’m in proper love.
There’s me thinking i love him because he’s accumulated a wee bit of man stubble and walks around shirtless, holding a baby kitten, that he has re-named 42 times in the last hour. When actually the WAY he cares for his new baby kitten, like a father, a lover, a hero… is the thing that is making me ‘ooze’ more love for him. I must like that about a man.
WHAT A DAY! You know when you have a plan, a good one…of how your day will run down smoothly, as you strut and ‘box tick’ all the way. Well yeah…i thought i’d have a beautifully easy day of simpleton. Yet it seems from the moment i’ve woken up, and graced Oct. 16th with my rather Glamourous presence…it has been hectic. And i mean crazy hectic, almost as if i was naked, in heels, blind folded and trying to dodge headless chickens in the fog, whilst getting tripped upmy horny hip hop midgets, with banana peels! I’ve been ‘gotten’ from every single angle possible. Making every single part of my ‘day plan,’ get thrown out the window and without a life jacket. UGH!
The day began, with me laying in my sheets eager to get up, get ready, and get my day started! Ofcourse because i’m busy and NEEDING to get my day started in order for ‘the plan’ to work, my mum decides to hop into bed with me and ‘natter-natter-natter’ about nothing much, but people DYING and dogs for a good, loooong hour! I’m a kitty cat that hates being LATE for anything. I’m always on time or early. My Mum is one of those ‘late for eveything’ people. I don’t like that quality in anyone…especially if it makes me play ‘catch up’ with the rest of my day! Double UGH! Does anyone not know, i have to work? I have things to like DO…like MUCH!
I finally get up, get showered, get ready, get groomed. I’m eyelashed, bra’d, fitted into a tiny frilly skirt of denim, with a t-shirt in baby pink and white, reading ‘Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend.’ (Puurfect!) *Giggle-Wink.*Infact, i’m writing this blog right now, with someone ‘yakking’ away for attention. They obviously must be BLIND and can’t see i’m blogging. Right now i have so much to deadline, therefore it’s full speed ahead for me! (I do think that’s *sizzle.* However being a Glamour puss, a writer, a business woman, a girlfriend, an icon and a soon to be mum, with a book and a makeup line on the way out, is quite a juggle. I’m only used to juggling my boobs and that’s for free dinners….and vodka.)
Anyway, to cut a long story short, i got out the door late, and well I have a cosmetics line that i’m going to be launching in America and Canada on Monday or even tomorrow, yet due to the delays and madness i’ve not been able to sort it all out today, at all! Lovely! Lovely! *Hits head against hard thing.* I’m am actually really excited! It’s a wonderful and quite simple start, to a very hopeful future of brilliance. I love make up. I love glamour. I love colour and therefore, i feel every very lucky. Once Monday comes, the business will pretty much run itself and will get to the UK in January! In the meantime, i’m to concentrate on finishing the book before squeezing out my baby girl an then going on a book tour! *You might as well shimmie here, to add to the madness.*
There was a point in the morning where i believed i had everything down to a ‘t.’ Then i get a text from Wazza telling me that my email had been HACKED. LOVELY LOVELY! And that i need to change my password immediately in order to stop sending inbox junk to everyone i utterly know, attempting to sell them Viagra, or telling them they have $5 million in their Malaysian bank account! I do find it funny. Yet i hate hackers. It’s feels really intrusive doesn’t it?
I ofcourse panicked, scurried to my laptop and realized that i had sent horrific inbox emails to people ALL over the land and i don’t mean ‘Betty sue, from the chip shop!’ Today is the day, i told heads of Paramount, movie producers, book publishers, celeb friends, work colleagues, makeup line contacts, photographers, personal friends and then yeah… reality TV producers and production houses, along with celebrity fashion designers, that they needed to take Viagra in order to make their little willies work! Hahaha. Oh the joys!!! This once happened to me in LA, when someone hacked into my Myspace account. I apparently told everyone i know that i wanted to ‘wee in their mouth.’ (Even my own Dad.)
I feel really embarrased and i’m never ever embarassed. But at the end of the day, what can i do but laugh at it being soooo Chrissie Wunna! I don’t mind life fucking up on me. I just don’t like someone else doing it for me and it including anyone I know! I work solo! Lol.
Anyway, i’ll fill you all in on the rest of my day after X-Factor, as i’ve just got in and have a lot to tell you about Loverboy, life and love. I can’t express in a rush. But i love you bitches! *Wiggle-Wink*
If you don’t have a Formspring account, you should, because you get to ask people anonymous questionoines and NOT ONLY do you get to nosey in their mind, but you also get to know them that bitty bit better. (Ooooh…More tea Vicar?) I obviously have one of these ‘All about ME’ accounts (that i’ve actually recently neglected) because Wazza told me to have one, (he’s my Cyber land God) and because my favourite thing to do ever…is pretty much answer questions about myself. Yet with the honour & curse (lol) of being Chrissie Wunna. The questions i recieve, i am sure, are horrifically dodgey! (I’m about to take a looky & answer the first few i read.) Lucky YOU!
. I ℒℴѵℯ you I think you need your own show!! (Thankyou, i love you tooo! I enjoy that my questions begin with a statement of glory!)
.Do you do nudes? (Only nude midgets?)
.What is your favorite pizza topping, besides me? (I don’t like human flavoured pizzas, even though i’m not a picky eater. Like something has to taste REALLY bad in order for me to avoid eating it. I like a goats cheese & rocket topping. Oh and black olives.)
.Heaven or Hell? (Heaven. Hell is tremendously over rated. I’d rather gallop around clouds, closed in by those very pearly gates. Then be burnt alive…even if it is with a whisky and horns.)
.I want to know if u use DNA tablets? I’m an asian man and i hate the colour of my skin. I think i am ugly because i am brown. How can i be white? Have you got any ideas? I’m not a rich man, a poor man. (I’m not white. I’m brown…occasionally orange in my quest to be even browner. I say embrace the exotic in you and work it. I think ‘brown’ is sexy. Move to a continent where they think that to! I love my tan and wouldn’t change it for the world. It got me diamonds. )
.If u got 2 no me would u give me yo number. (My stubborness tells me i wouldn’t sir ! )
.Hey sexy girl lets talk? (*Looks over shoulder* Are you talking to me?)
.I want to kiss you.Do you want to kiss me? I am burmese.Love YOu. (No But i love you too. Lol)
I wanna c ur whole body without clothes. My email is ***************. Can you email me? (Again I’m gonna go with ‘NO.’ Yet i can email you pictures of donkies & Debbies, to get ya juices flowing?)
.I met you and Boyband Jonny once, You’re AMAZING. Do you still hang out with that little mess? (Aww thankyou. I adore you for your excellent taste in amazing people. And NO, I don’t talk to him anymore. I haven’t for ages and simply because he is a mess and one that was hardly ever good to me. At least be broken and decent.)
I just want to tickle you. (Aww, i love you, my little Wunnarette!)
.Hi sweet. Why don’t you get married now? (I’ve been married twice. There’s a waiting list to be my next ex hubby. I will marry again and probably to Loverboy.)
.Can we talk anonymously on chat? (No. I’m a ‘PUBLIC ONLY’ attention whore.)
How did Kat Die? (I loved Kat and i believe she shuffled off this mortal coil via the fine art of paracetemol taking. )
.You have been my biggest inspiration in the past few months. I can honestly say i admire you as a powerful woman. (Aww THANKYOU. I LOVE YOU! That means an awful LOT!!!)
Is it true you slept on a train for publicity? (Not sure where you heard that? lol. I probably slept on a train because i was tired…as i’m far too clever to know that there is limited stunts of publicity you can pull on a train, except set the goddamn thing on fire…naked. If you mean ‘slept on a train’ ALL night, then honey oooh no! I’m a Glamour puss who enjoys 10* accommodation. I’d never do that…even for money! lol)
How famous are you? In my own head…massively
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done besides be Chrissie Wunna? I always say that crazy things find me, then DO ME!
What do your parents think about you Glamour modelling? Although supportive, it was never their favourite thing about me.They’re ‘good to do’ doctors, who bred an unfortunate Glamour puss.
Morning my cherry pies of button pushing! Today, i feel…darling? I’m dipped in a candy coat of ‘cutsie wootsie’ and tending to the art of ‘Lady of leisuring.’ A job, i’m pretty decent at…even with my eyes ( i mean, my legs ) closed. Other than working on my book…which i’m determined to make a best seller and checking though the ‘banners’ that will advertise my make up line. I’m taking the day out to chill and enjoy being Chrissie Wunna…after a VERY emotionally beautiful week. I’m going to dedicate my weekend (I do love the END part to that word) to love, family and pampering. I feel like i have everything i want right now and I ADORE a glorious day of pamper..hence why i’m confused as to why i have a chick friend, who seems to be adorning pink and red at the same time? (Heellllo fashion police! lol) I’m confused as to why she’s offering me cups of tea in tiny sized robin mugs, that have old lipstick stains clinging onto the rim of them, from someone else’s ‘trout pout?’ I’m the ULTIMATE Glamour puss. Although it does mildy workfor me. I’m a quite certainly a germaphobe…(apart from in the bedroom it seems?I won’t drink out of a lipstick stained mug. But i will tend to Loverboy’s ‘meat stick’ like i’m a rather unhygenic…whore. ) Anyhow, my friend knows MY mug, is the LEOPARD print mug (i know how ‘Zig-a-Zig-aaa’of Me) and i’m therefore refusing to drink out of the lipstick stained, 2nd hand, Robin mug,that looks like it is Amy Winehouse on a bad day. Incase you think i’m being a DIVA…know that i’m not..(I’m always a Diva.) The last time i drank out of the incorrect cup…i found myself having to beat off undesirable men with sticks, whilst i was in my best frilly pants and being told that one of them wanted to be my sex slave! The reason why i hate that moment, is simply because when a Glamour Puss is in frilly pants, it is a sin to be angry in them and especially angry…with sticks!
I’ve been getting a lot of messages from you all just as of recent, all of you wanting to know about my upcoming Baby girl! (Aww…who i ADORE!!) Along with my teenage girls, boys, men, women, gays, straights…i now have another catergory of Wunna Love and it is formed of al of those who are PREGNANT!! (Which again..I ADORE!) It’s refreshing having fans, with humans in their bellies. Women who will be giving life to the future beings of the world, like myself, via a tedious but loving, vaginal *squeeze-squeeze.* A great deal of you are reading the blog and wanting to know if i will be breast feeding by baby girl and the answer to that is ‘AB
or all the young girls wanting to be desired by all men. I know that a lot of teenage girls do and i want them to know that for me it was purely a financial choice and not a choice based upon my inner emotional making and it really wasn’t the best choice ever. Know that being some kind of a ‘sexual ‘fantasy’ to men…bites back. Not work wise…because who cares work wise? That comes secondary to everything else in life that’s important.Yet emotionally…and that’s forever. A very successful man once told me one Hollywood night to not sacrifice who i am, in order to get ahead. I didn’t listen. Now…i get it! LOL. Typical Wunna move!
If i want to be a good-ish role model, with a delicious glamourous cheek, things in my life have to change. Well they have! I haven’t done a nudie shoot in over a year and a half, or even longer? I guess people need to catch up. But for right now, i don’t care. I am loving my new life and playing in the GOOD CLEAN glitter.
Had the most deliciously amazing day ever. It’s funny how when you’re in love and you make the person or people you love, FEEL completely special..it sort of powders this spirit of warmth and utter loveliness into your insides, making you beam through your pores with a simple *ooze* of happiness! It’s healthy! Good things happen to good people, my young pretties.
I’ve made my ‘handsome’ sooo golden happy today and from the minute he laid his ‘got the man flu’ eyes on me. Your time, love and life are the biggest things you can give someone…so i tottered out to his car as he pulled up at around 11.30pm, dumped my animal print handbag on the nearest firm surface and then a wrapped up prezzie number 2, in the passenger seat. Then with a swift bimbo, ‘One second Petey, i just have to make a few trips!!’ I giggly tottered back into the house, to grab the ‘clue’ that i forgot to grab in the first place. I’m forgetful now i’m preggo!
I poked my head into his car, as he read his ‘birthday clue’ out loud. (In previous blog for ‘Gift Two.‘ Yeah..i did poems! Lol. ) He looked shocked that i had gone to so much effort? I enjoy effort, when it comes to surprises. I like to make people i care about happy and isn’t it funny how when you love someone, you seem to go to the ends of the earth to make them smile. (This is how i know, i’ll be a good mummy. I’ll have a lucky child!) Anyhow, he still had no idea, even after reading the clue…(i’m that good at being clear :) ) But i will tell you that the answer to the ‘cryptic‘ was a ‘LIFE.’
I quickly ran back into the house and out i slooowly sauntered, with a giant smile on my face and a ‘giddy’ in my eyes. A calm ‘giddy’ though. One that was fruity full and candy delicious. I saw him looking up at me, through his car window trying to figure out what was going on??? He even put his glasses on. (Aww.) In my arms, was what i thought was the best gift ever…bundled up in a cashmere cream scarf. He looked, then looked again and suddenly saw me carrying the tiniest and cutest little, big eyed, black KITTEN ever! (I adopted it for Loverboy, especially for his birthday. A baby boy kitten, 8 weeks old. It’s the tiniest ball of fluffy cuteness EVER and all it wants to do is explore & cuddle.)
He couldn’t even believe it!! Infact, he looked a little scared! HAHA. He nearly lost it, within the first 3 minutes. I’m great at irresponsible gift giving! Woohoo! But there is a whole lot of heart enfolded into every little piece of ‘gift’ i deliver! (Even though it may make no sense & could be dangerous.) He may have been a little shocked at first. But by the time we got home, he was madly in love and completely addicted to loving his new baby kitten. They looked so adorably sexy together, watching telly. My muscle bound ‘Handsome’ was laid back, on his black leather sofa, with the tiniest baby black kitten, resting on his man chest of white v-neck t-shirt. It was sooooo cute and is definitely the best gift ever. A loving moment. It was just lovely observing something sooo manly, taking care of something so tiny and fluffy. Aww! Pete’s now addicted to his baby kitten, trying to name it….and loves the little darling immensely!
The next gift i got him was an Iphone. (Popular gift. Not very original.) It’s what he wanted and therefore what he got! Boys and their toys! *Rolls eyes, but still does happy face.* Pete’s one of those men of greatness, that really would’ve just settled for a birthday cuddle and been happy…even though he did kinda fancy an Iphone. Things like ‘beingin love’ makes him happy. Therefore being treated to all sorts of goodies, was not only amazing for him, but felt amazing for me and mainly because i don’t think he gets treated that often? I actually think he feels uncomfortable, when people buy him lovely things or even do lovely things for him!
Then we went to visit his mum, dad and grandma, who are more that lovely, where we celebrated with cake, tea, sandwiches, love and MORE gifts!! (I even bought him a weekly shop! Lol. A sack of spuds for £1 and everything that could go with it. I’m bad in a grocery store. We’ll go in for meat and come out with EVERYTHING…including cakes! I’m a ‘throw everything in the basket, and get out of there quick,’ kinda girl! I find chilling by the frozen food terrifying and bad for my boobs. They swell solid and i get grumpy. )
Anyway, out of the gifts that i gave him, i didn’t know which one he would love more? Would he go for the material boy toy of technology, or would he go for the fluff ball that needed his love? He’s had to go to work right now, and therefore dinner and festivities have been scheduled for the weekend.
He’s just sent me this text: ‘Thanks again for my lovely pressies babe. I think i’m gonna call him‘
REALLY EXCITED!!!! Today is Loverboy’s birthday! He’s officially graced this earth for a mighty 25 years. You’d think it would make me feel old…however with me being a Cougar in training…things couldn’t be better. When i’m 95, i’ll be adorning a boob job, lacy underwear, a blue rinse and hot red heels. Then i’ll trade Loverboy in for a new younger model, who will sponge me dry of all my fine earned riches and run off with my daughter. Yipppeee! (As if! I’ll be dead by then.)
Anyway, last night i was on the phone to Pete who thinks he has the man flu, to talk him through his last ever hours of being 24! (This is the last hour that you will ever have as a 24 yr old!!’) I was looking at the kitchen oven clock. A handy little gidget! Never says the right time! He was probably already 25. But he was happy. I mean, just happy to have someone who cared enough to sail him to sleep. Not that my screechy voice is the best bedtime story ever. Infact, that’s probably why he’s always trying to wedge his ‘sausage’ in it in mass loads. It’s really got quite comforting. Anyway…haha..(oh god, smut at 9am.)
I will tell you that i did look out into the night and think about what i was doing when i was his age? I do that with everyone and well at 24, about to turn 25, i was in Hollywood, living my life, writing my blog, romancing Matt Dillon, who was trying to get rid of me, and being a floozy of desperate ‘Fame game,’with a strawberry margarita in my hand. Infact, wait? Maybe i was with Tommy by then? Was i in New York already?? God knows. But there you go…it was eventful.
Loverboy, in my mind, has had a lot less eventful life. Not that i should be judging anyone’s life at all…and i don’t…even though i just did. Lol. In a way, i envy the safety of his choice. Yet i’m glad, i did life my way! The good thing is that since i’ve *strutted* onto his path, and sprinkled it with glitter…his life has changed amazingly. I’m like a really…slutty…Fairy GodMother.
He went from twiddling his thumbs and breaking up with a girl who apparently lied, cheated and stole from him. (I have to say ‘apparently’ because you know what boys are like…they alwaysleave the truth part out.) He then had to move back in with his parents,work his everyday job, via the fine art of ‘merely existing,’ attempt to scramble back from ‘lost’ and to the point where there’s nothing left to do but he*sigh.*
That was in February 2010. Then just like ‘magic’..I come along, one lonely weekend night, on March 6th, in a zebra print nighty, in a local bar in Leeds and at around 10.32pm, after moving away fromLondon due to needing to be away from an awful awful boy and his whole entire life changes!
That boobied, stocking’d, over eyelashed floozy of slanted, sees him, buys him a drink, (falls over two stools-Harriet saw me do that) and *beckons* the boy over.
‘Love’ happened. Immediately. I made him feel it. (‘Love’ that is…the vagina part was at least left for the taxi back home.) He’d never felt so alive. Then after fun, frolocks, a whirlwind and wine bars…on Fathers day he gets a call..(Note that we were only 2 months into our relationship..‘Pete i’ve done the test. I’m pregnant.’ )
He’s gone from being a dud in feb 2010. To being the soon to be daddy of Chrissie Wunna’s baby girl. Like he always says, ‘I feel like my life has just begun!’ I’m ace aren’t i! I’m like 60 minute makeover…but with your LIFE!
Anyway, today and the day after my own Daddy, Pete turns 25. A quarter of the way through his life! I’m mean tto call him right now to wake him up, so he can come around and collect birthday pressies. I’m getting them all ready and trying to pick out the perfect ‘gift giving’ outfit. Then we’re going to lunch and celebrate with his family. I hope he loves his presents. I love gifts…they show you HOW someone thinks of you.
Okay, since i can’t type it out yet, i will type out the clues that i’ve left him.. for you:
This pressie that i’ve got for you.
Will make you smile, not make you blue.
I’ve heard you whine for this a lot,
so i gave this birthday gift a shot!
It cost me quite a pretty bone, (Notice how i got that in.)
Got back from my secret birthday mission, that i can’t tell you anything about until tomorrow, due to Loverboy being sneaky. He despises being left out the loop, therefore surprises, be they birthday, or ‘ooh hey, you’ve got me pregnant’ aren’t his thing. Hence why i’m doing it…simply to wind him up. *Glamma-Glamma-Puss-Puss.*
At 3pm today, my mum (who’s my saviour,) my brother and I went on a black Mercedes adventure to pick up one of Pete’s birthday gifts. It’s his birthday tomorrow and if i’m being honest i can’t wait to get it over and down with and simply because it’s been so stressful to organize.
We had the most amazingly, adorbae time, to the point where my Mum and i were quite choked up, with emotion. Under a feisty exterior, i guess we’re both quite gentle. Anyway, we picked up our prezzie, and now have it in our dining room, all alone and waiting to be given. (UGH…it sucks that i CAN’T tell you about it yet. We had a hilarious time adventuring.)
Anyway, Pete calls at 5.30pm…and because he knew i had just got back from my birthday prezzie adventure. You’d think he’d be all sucky uppy and delicious. I mean he wants good presents right? (He’d make a shit gold digger.) But NO! Pete decides he’s going to get wound up with the fact that i won’t tell him what i’ve got him for his birthday. He did begin by being merry. Yet by the end of our convo he was trying to make me jealous, make me feel poor, and then attempted to make me give in to him to his amateur tactics of manipulation! *Yawn.* I back fired it ALL in his face and in a push up bra, down the phone! OOh the Power. Delicious.
I managed to ‘rewind back’ everything he said, put him back in his palce and then being the lovely girlfriend that i am threaten to TAKE BACK all of his presents, after making him look at them. I am officially not only the best gift buyer ever. But obviously the best girlfriend ever! I love that he’s so easy to wind up. I need to remember that. Keep Petey out of the loop and he’ll be bitter, with a touch of evil in order to get his own way. Hilarious!
I did all that at the same time as reading my fan mail. Responding to Harriet & Youngie’s sex argument on my Facebook wall, (I’m always on Team GIRL, as men are quite horrific at times, even when they’re lovely,) and deciding that i’m going to be getting a P.O Box, so you can all write me letters and ofcourse send me gifts. I love letters, because i can save them forever and read them when i’m 80 and bitter. I’m getting life all kinds of sorted now. Make up on the way. Posters on the way. Book…on the way. Baby on the way. I’m like the hottest multi tasker ever.:) I really am pretty impressive…and i’m shocked that i’m actually doing it sober!! WTF!!!
Other than all that, i’m not enjoying being a fatty. yeah, i know, i’m pregnant, but it doesn’t mean i’m not FAT. I feel all uncomfortable and frumpy. I’m already trying to lose my baby weight and i haven’t even had my bambino yet! (God, i really need to remember to name her!!) I tried to do squats, but mid ‘bend down’ i found a muffin, a kitten and a hottie on my telly. I was terribly distracted. By the time i had got to my ‘UP’ part of my ‘bend down,’ i had consumed 400 muffin calories, had a domestic pet in my arms anmed ‘Gucci’ and had pretty much lost my virginity (again) to the piece of shirtless on my telly!
My back is achey, but i’m making it sexy by winking the pain away. God, i wish tomorrow would hurry and come. I’m feeling excited now, therefore Pete must really be bricking it. One gift is something he’d actually want and the other is something that i want. My mum and i want to keep it. I’ve written really crap poem clues to. (You know your gift choice is borderline dodgey, if it doesn’t speak for itself and you have to commit to writing poemed clues. There’s that cheap Wunna Charisma again! Pete hates cheapness..which i find bizarre since i’m the rich one? I take something expensive and cheapen it for fun. It’s how i roll. I love to*bimbo* everything up!)
Ooh goodie! My mum’s just got home! Which means we have chinese take out AND can spend the rest of the evening playing with Pete’s birthday present before we wrap it up. By the time he gets it, it will look 2nd hand! HAHAH. I can cheapen things, in all kinds of ways. I usually do it to myself. I’m beautiful fully clothed…i looked all diva and expensive.
I have an itchy cleavage and have just this second found an actual flea crawling up and down it. I’m officially disgusting, but i don’t care, i have great hair and in my world it’s the only thing that matters. (Ooh reading a bbm message from @EddClay asking me for love life help. I adore Edd! He went on a date with a young fellow, who wants him to marry him.) I think i’m quite good at the game of love, due to me dating every worthless boy that both England and LA have to offer. Yet the older i get the great deal lazier i become. Old people don’t get more mellow with age…they just can no longer be bothered to fight anymore. If you add my tragic ego to all that and if i find a boy putting me through any struggle these days. I can be found grabbing my fur and stomping out of his life and WITH my boobs. Oh and i do want to thank each and every ‘Handsome’ who has offered to scratch my itchy cleavage. It’s very kind of you all…I’d let you get to it, if i didn’t think it’d end with you attempting to seduce me with your full fat boner. In the olden days when i was insecure, it would’ve worked. But now, I at least need gifts or dinner first. *Hair-toss.*
When i was sat on the loo this morning, my mum actually said something interesting to me, that went along the lines of: ‘Your Grandma and I don’t think you should ever get married again, if you don’t want to. I don’t want you to think that you need to. You’ve done that and well…what i know about men is that as soon as they have that ring on your finger they automatically think they now own you and no longer have to try. They get lazy. If you keep them guessing…they will work for your love and never take you for granted, because they’ll always fear you may leave them.’ (Then i wiped up and flushed.)
D’ya know what! I actually believe that to be true. Ofcourse not with EVERY man, ( i mean i’ve had a very good marriage to Michael, that accidentally ended in divorce,) but definitely with most of the boys i date. These days i never want a man to feel too comfy…like he’s in a *snuggle* sized fit. There have been times where every man i have been with has taken me for granted. Yet i have NEVER taken any man for granted. Women don’t tend to. I’m never gonna sell myself short again…and i’ve notcied that whenever i have done, in the past, the relationship with that boy has always gone sour. Don’t date down. Know your worth. Be a Goddess!
Even though things are pretty ‘fairytale’ between Pete & I, the honeymoon stage is very over. I’m beginning to learn about him more and more each day. Know that I NEVER let him get away with anything, without causing a giant DIVA rift! He works for his love and because i don’t give in to him so easily. Whenever i have…and with any boy… they’ve put on their BIG boots and tried to take over my land. (God, i’ve broken my nail from my half split groin pull yesterday! UGH!) For those of you that think letting a boy work for my love, is evil of me…don’t. And why? Well because believe it or not, MEN are made for hunting, gathering and pleasing the object of their desire. The ones that don’t… are simply not real men and find their courage by preying on the weak or bullying women. They are party poopers!
Other than all that, why would anyone want a choclate bikini wax? I watched it yesterday on the telly. I was all excited because i thought i was going to get tantalized by cocoa, or chocolate coloured makeup…which i ADORE! I love my browns, tans and deliciousness. However, what i disappointingly got, was some lady covered in milk chocolate and oil, next to another one, with half her fadge out, getting ready for it to be covered in chocolate! The tag line was ‘It’s so good, it will make you want to eat it!’
Erm…? Why would i want to EAT something that has been smeared upon my vagina???? Men don’t even want to do that! It looked like a poo. I like chocolate and i like my vagina. But i don’t like mixing the two! It’s only okay and it’s never okay…when you’re trying to impress a boy, by pretending that you’re kinky. *Ooh yeah chocolate…Mmm.* I’d never let Pete do that to me…he tried to make me *hum* whilst I had a his ‘I beg your pardon’ in my mouth, the other night. Hum!?! This ain’t Chrissie Wunna 2006, when i could hum the ‘Mexican hat dance,’ and give a good blow job. The whole excitment of THAT particular moment was the fact that the boy was Mexican and spoke like Not that i was humming on his willy! ‘Hum on it?’ YOU HUM ON IT PETE! Infact, Latin Lover is over me now. The ’Wunna moving on’ part…has sunk in and put him off me. UGH! We’re still friends. Yet i know that in order for him to have moved on, he must have found a temporary replacement. I’m happy for him. Yet Latin Lover never loved me. He always loved another. We were NEVER each others ’one.’ He just couldn’t believe his luck when i ventured into his life and well after a long while, didn’t really treat me has well as he should’ve. (I don’t enjoy getting pubically wrestled and HIT in the face repeatedly at nice family Mexican restuarants. He broke my shoe…GODDAMIT!)
I like that i can talk about the bad part of our relationship, now we’re not together. When i was with him, i couldn’t seem to open up truthfully, out of this weird respect. I hate secrets. People only learn from hearing the real truth. This is MY story…and well i’m telling it to others to pass on my personal knowledge of love and life. Haha. What i did learn is that if you are about to get hit in the face pubically..at the restuarant and out of jealousy, because 2 people have said they like you more than your boyfriend. Don’t bother wearing your favourite t-shirt. You never get the stains out! Oh and when ‘please stop strangling me’ becomes a phrase you find yourself saying every other week…it’s really time to leave. Lol.)
Anyway, lovely, lovely…I’ve realized i like categories. I’m a girl who puts everything in it’s correct box. Which is why i don’t love the chocolate bikini wax. (Good change of subject by Wunna.) One part of that is a foodie dessert, the other is for sex and ping pong balls. That blond pushy ‘buy buy’ woman, wouldn’t smear that stuff on her ‘cod.’ I guarantee it. I feel sorry for the girls that she used as models! ‘Ooh i’m on the telly!’ Yes but with your vagina out and with a ‘Curly wurly’ smeared upon it. Terrifying. Don’t do it. EVER! Not even when drunk, for an audience. And yeah, i get that i was on a trashy reality tv show where anything goes. But i never smeared a Dairy Milk on my hairy ‘munchkin’ and told you to buy it.
Anyway, i’ve got to get ready. I’ve got that secret mission at 3pm remember. Ugh. I’m hungry now.
Morning you delicious, doughnut glazed dumplings! Ofcourse, i’m over the moonage on this fine Wednesday! I’m having a baby girl…a real life baby Glamour puss. I’ve just gotten off the phone to Loverboy, who still can’t even believe he’s going to have to Father, a baby ME. (I think he had a football future set out for his the bump, if it was a boy. Now, he can’t think of anything it could be but a model or stripper. lol. He tried to already name her…Yet i’ve ‘NO’d‘ his first 2 inferior attempts. We’re both already trying to gain control, now we know that the baby is a girl. I think ‘being a girl’ is MY territory. I feel confident. He thinks he knows girls better than anything. I KNOW he doesn’t!!! Our fight for ’the favourite parent’ position has already begun. Poor baby chica. Come to MAMA!!! )
Anyway, enough of all that selfish blither blather. Today, Oct 13th 2010…is my Daddy’s 62nd BIRTHDAY! Woohoo! I’m a daddy’s girl. He’s the man that taught me to dream, the man that always understands my every move. The man that taught me to drink and the man that instilled the thought in me, that boobies were cool. (Although he thinks boobies out are cool… MY boobies OUT pisses him off…mildy. It’ s not his favourite thing ever.)
I woke up really early, and had a one of those big jolly banters with my mummy, who couldn’t be happier about being a first time future grandma, to ANOTHER Glamour puss. We both talked about life, love, children and in our pyjamas in my bed. Then i rummaged for my fathers Bday card, that i had hidden in my Pregnany notes. Wrote it, added a bottle of booze with it and, with a smile, a giggle an a waddle. We both hoppidy skipped…(walked slowly) to the room where in which my Daddy was a sitting. My brother had already got there. I was fashionably late.
If my dad loves anything, it’s love, attention, a laugh and prezzies. We performed such ‘magic’ and then looked through old photographs of Me as a baby, and when my mum & dad fell in love. Now, that i’m older…i utterly appreciate these Wunna family moments. You never do, until you’re older and lived some kind of foolish, pretentious Hollywood life of ‘lost much.’ It just felt right. I have the most wonderful daddy in the world. It reminded me of every bed time story he told me. Every time he took the time to play or teach me about life. We’ve done really well us Wunnas. We all kind of looked at each other this morning and nodded with approval. (Then as my mum was trying to show him 3D photos of my baby. He spotted that i was holding the finest bottle of Port, and with the cutest eyes of greed…monkey snatched for it. Booze before babies! Hah..)
I’ve got a lot to do today. I’m working on my book, i’m organizing life with one delicious *wink.* I’ve got to pick up Loverboy’s birthday present at 3pm, from a secret location, (yep, both my daddy and my Petey have birthdays, a day after each other…yep it’s creepy) and then i’m going to spend the rest of the day chilling, like the kitty cat that i am. I’ve had an emotional week and i need a pit stop…a moment of reflection, where i do nothing but realize what’s happened.
I have a shoot to plan. All the outfits to throw together. I have lots of people i need to organize coffee with. It terrifies me, because i’ve never hung out with anyone i know sober. I might not even like them. I NEED to get on with the book and i need to get the gossip from one of my gays, who might end up dating one of ‘Diva Fever.’ Lol. (The hot one.) We’ve planned that he waits until they don’t win and do that rejected bunch tour. He’ll be less MIGHTY then and easier to snatch. I’ve been on both sides of this equation. The reject tour and the snatcher.
I want to tell you all about my secret location birthay treat adventure. But i can’t yet, because Loverboy’s on the *sneaky sneaky* and trying to find out what he’s getting. I don’t know why? I mean, he’ll just pretend he loves it anyway or i’ll dump him and call him ungrateful
After my fall yesterday…i’m not wearing heels again, during my time of preggoness. I forget how fat i am and think i look amazing. Very Chrissie Wunna. Even though i love my hot pink heels, i can’t scarifice the safety of my baby girl for them. Lol. Not only have i pulled my GROIN! Delicious! (I thought I landed on my bum. But i landed in a half split. Woohoo. I keep it all *shimmie.*) But my *bump* is feeling achey tooo…due to the tripperoo.
Apparently i was chattering away on auto speed, whilst tottering along with Loverboy, past the newsagents at Xscape with excitement and all of a sudden, he looked and i had just disappeared into a half split. HAHAHA. The fact that he didn’t know if i had done it on purpose or had fallen…says it all. HAHAHAHA. I love being ME! Three women, walked around me like they were fed up of my jiggery pokery, whilst oddly gripping onto their handbags? I’m not going to steal your money. I’m preggo fat. If i’m going to steal anything, it’s going to be CAKE, with a side of pickled onion! Plus, i’m asian, we don’t steal, we give blowjobs and eat your pets. Pete’s half BLACK. He likes wallets! I’d fallen in a half split and recieved zero sympathy. Lol. It’s hardly a money grabbing ploy. It actually hurt more than i thought it would…with me being a slag and all. (I love that i told my mum that we could see the sex of my baby. The scan lady told me that my child had her legs WIDE open, for the world to see. )
Then i got helped up by Peter with a ‘It’s like i have some comedy girlfriend.’ If i do something stupid, he gets embarrassed, before he can laugh. I *shrug* it off, with a ‘ah well‘ and a *wink.* I’m used to it and always do that fake laugh we do, in order to save face! I’ve picked myself up, with a laugh of disappointment 442 times. I’m not one for perfection or infact getting things right. I do life my way. I just seem to be the LUCKIE