Okay, so about 2 hours ago i got back from my Bank Holiday afternoon of goulash with Loverboy and his family. Again lots of love, laughter, cuddling and telling Pete off for looking at ‘the blond chick on Countdown’s’ bum. He enjoys it when i get jealous…but only because he hasn’t seen me get REALLY jealous. Yippee! He shut me up with cookies and compliments. I shut him up with a simple glare. *Sizzle.*
Now, silly me believes that since it’s Bank Holiday and i have nothing to do now my day of revelry is over…I should venture online and have a bit of a Facebook chatty with good old friends ( that i don’t know) and fans.
I chose this option over hoovering. My mother bought me a pink ‘Henry’ (a ‘Hetty’ or something?) Oddly and after i tried to meanly stare it down, it became my ally and simply because it seemed to be wearing the same outfit as me? Anyway yeah…i WRONGLY chose to not hoover, after pronising people that i would hoover and instead fed my hot little self to the scary ‘Wolves’ on Facebook chat. The ‘Wolves’ are those that are not my gays, not my teenage chick fans, not my real friends, or even decent human beings and just plain old dodgey ‘not even delicious’ perverts. Lovely! Lovely! (I should’ve fucking hoovered.)
So whilst you’re all having your Bank Holiday dinners or nursing your hangovers, watching rubbish movies or wishing you had hoovered…I…the Ultimate Puss of Glamour much have been forced to cyber shout at pervies. I’m pregnant, homronal, in heels.. so be terrified. (Just having a Vimto sip and wondering why i’m getting people confused with real life midgets that i know?)
So one guy, thought he’d introduce himself to me as my ‘biggest fan.’ Good move. Massaging the ego, will always get my attention. HOWEVER, within 3 sentences he had asked me if i was a porn star, told me he was German and then wanted to know what i liked sexually, whilst informing me that he enjoyed having a girl shove things in his anal passage. ERM…? Helllo? A good old ‘Hi, I loved you on BBF’ would have sufficed. I mean, I’m the most open minded floozey you’ll ever meet and even i’m wanting to gnaw my own arm off! I thought he actually adored me…but he was really just all boner. Story of my goddamn LIFE! *Step aside darling…this bitch has more important genitals to tend to.*
Then to top it all off, some guy named ‘Matteo’ kept trying to force me to go on webcam and see his willy. All of this AFTER i told him i was PREGNANT!!! Now, surely, if a chica, no matter how hot, tells you she’s ‘with child’ and has a gorgeous boy of ‘Lover,’ you say ‘Congratulations’ or talk about them behind their back, right? YOU don’t immediately go for the ‘hey..you MUST see my penis on webcam right now. You’ll love it.’ I’m currently ‘Frigid, preggo, Chrissie’ i don’t want to see your willy and i will only see a willy if it has been forwarded to me via one of my gay friends and he needs me to approve it. (Thankyou Mikey Kardashian.)
I infact LOVE how a straight man can try to show me his *meat stick* online and i’ll curse him down, like he’s some kind of dodgey weirdo. Yet if one of my darling gays does it, it’s totally acceptable. ‘Mikey Kardash’ opened his FB chat conversation to me with a ‘DO ME IN THE ASS!‘ Followed by a *heart* in pink and i loved it. He was all excited about the fact that i’m having a baby and i was all excited about telling him that i had a *bump.* Unfortunately it’s in an odd stage where it simply looks like a beer belly. I’m an ‘all or nothing’ girl. Give me huge bumpage or not at all. Beer belly. DISGUSTING! If i didn’t love myself so much, i’d put me on a loser list, whilst throwing salad at my hips.
Funnily enough and after i had explained how i had gotten preggo. I love having to explain it all to my gays. They get all confused by the ‘birds and the bees’ and truely believe that i bought my current *bump* from Christian Dior or something? (‘But does it come with a satchel?’) Mikey actually asked me if i was going to be a ‘milk maid for random kinky men’ when i was a few months more pregnant? It really doesn’t get better than that. I adore him. I can’t help it. (‘Hey Chrissie hell called…they want you back.’)
Oh god. I’ve done it again! Okay…Before i began distracting myself with my mindless rubbish rambling, i did want to tell you that yes…if a pervy *straight* nags me to see his online *todger*…i just delete him from my friends list within seconds. They make it easy on me. I mean why is ‘online willy sighting’ a must? It’s not sexy even when i’m wasted. TUCK IT IN! I have family friends asking me about the weather and my baby, then in *box 4* to the left, i have mexican perverts demanding that i see their ‘taco.’ This is my life. This is what i have to go through on a daily. No wonder i’m hibernating in Yorkshire. You’ve made me scared of penis. Eww much. Like how DARE you!
However, i do have a double standard. (Ofcourse…ofcourse. There is a RIGHT time for a bit of ‘hey HEY hey.’) When my Glamour Puss gay Mikey states that a gentleman has sent him a cyberland picture of his willy, in order to *woo* him…(who said romance was dead) and it looks a bit small.. ‘take a look.’ I find myself pregnant, glaring at my computer screen, with my head tilted to the left a little, in order to work out why the willy part was white, but the body part was black? (I should’ve just hoovered.)
Men are so different to women. It’s part of girl culture to tease and torment. When i say this, i only mean be flirty and giggly and fun…with a wink of *ooh,* not a ‘hey look at my big vagina.’ ( I learnt this lesson the hard way. )Yet when pervy straight MEN do their complete WRONG version of this, it’s weird, gross and sort of unmanly. We don’t want to see your cyber willies EVER…unless you have managed to dress it up as a Santa, taught it to sing Christmas carols and made it mail us presents from distant lands.
Yet on a good note, it hasn’t all been bad. A lovely gent named ‘Quincy’ sent me this message:
‘Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. Have a blessed day!’
Quincy saves the day. Thank GOD for him! Pants on and everything! [Applaud here.]