What a night! On Tuesday of last week…i went for a quick eye appointment, and a grab of the old contact lenses. I thought i couldn’t see because i was always drunk, but i actually can’t see because i’m blind. Yay! Anyway, the Glamour puss was in Doncaster, purchasing her sight and with it carefully boxed and thrown into a bag, i found myself on a train, after my phone decided to ruin my life, by cutting out every four seconds, to annoy mankind. Even my phone is a bitch. It decides who it wants to talk to, and when it’s done *dial tone here* it hangs up on you…and all by itself. Hottest day ever, and not a good day to have a not working very well phone and well…a period. (Wunna AGAIN fails at baby making.)
Got to Leeds, where i met my gay friend @GaryPonty at the station, and with a wiggle, a wink, and a trip over my own foot, due to not being able to see behind my sunglasses, we walked to Browns…a lovely little wine bar, had a whole bottle of rose wine, talked about talk, then with a text, giggle and ‘ooh la laaa,’ @Omarbitch and his cutsie friend Amy, joined our little team of deliciousness. I already felt a bit drunk by this point, due to no food in my system. #nevergood. We walked to MAC, because @Omarbitch (who i now will always label as a Goddess, needed some foundation. I like a boy who needs foundation…he has his prioities perfectly ‘oooh.’)
When all that got done, Gary was armed with drunkness, i was armed with my bag of *sight,* Amy was armed with responsibility, and Omarbitch…the Goddess was armed with cheekbones and foundation. Amy, was sensible and left at this point…it was lovely weather by the way, and well the three kittens that were left, decided to find the rainbow flag and drink, with the gays! My speciality! Queens court. We we’re there…now joined by a jolly old, gay, (who ended up spanking Gary,) a horny drag DJ bartender, who wanted to feel my little Goddess up, and yeah…drinking occured…lots of it, courtesy of the Ultimate Glamour puss. I loved it! I had an amazing time. The weather was delicious, we laughed, giggled, looked through porn mags, teased, played, drank and cruised for hotties..and there were quite a few…outside. (The inside ones we’re a little ‘off.’)
I am quite keen to study my new kingdom, and therefore i actually think i was armed with perfectly delicious company. The gays could not KEEP their eyes off @Omarbitch…he definitely stole the limelight, but i like that he commanded the surounding without even trying…he was kitten like and well Gary began step ball changing, ending with a beautifully clumsy *leg extension* around the bar. I like that too…they both know how to GRAB THE ATTENTION. Oooh my Pusses ROCK!! It’s an outstanding team of northern *wink wink.* (I love that they knew so much about me, without me having to explain myself…it makes it all easier!)
Lots of drinking occured…the kind where the day turns to night…accidentally. Omarbitch had the sense to glide away, at a decent hour, due to being fashionable, responsible and a goddess. Gary and I…opted for the ‘no sense’ tick box, and went to about three more bars. I was sat outside on the patio, i had left my *sight* on an inside sofa..and it was put behind a DJ box, by a DJ Drag Queen. A gentlemen, who i did actually like…even though he thought he was an old gay that dressed young, (I told him to work the ‘old thing.’ I mean who doesn’t love a sugar daddy,) but then he tried to steal my jacket. Well i thought he was stealing it, but it seems he was just carrying it around. (Aww…i love my gays.)
Anyway, Gary and I spot him, i shout, ‘OMG he’s stealing my coat.’ He comes a hobbling over the cobbles to give it back to me..and then due to sheer drunkness, we thought it would be DEAD FUNNY, to steal his stuff! It wasn’t! I don’t encourage this behaviour, but you did have to be there..it was hilarious. Anyway, he had a H& M plastic bag, with a tight white t-shirt in, and a pair of Armani sunglasses and a couple of mags, where boys give each other blowjobs. I’m not sure what happened to the mags..(Gary probably pocketed them)..but we pretty much had more wine and stole the other items..by scooping up the bag like it was ‘Tinkerbell.’ (As in the dog of Paris Hilton and not the fairy.)
Now, Gary has sick abusive past in Leeds and wanted to have a fall down memory lane..therefore he took me to the other gay bars, one that was alright…apart from the fact that we got more drunk, had a fight, caused toruble to the point where it was just best if we LEFT..and then we fell into some other gay venue of ‘wiggle.’ This one was apparently where all the disgusting chavy gays, washed up trannies and druggies go. They didn’t seem to be there…and they did seem a bit old and chubby…but fuck it, the music was ALL pop and AMAZING…so we did really slutty podium dancing, to an audience of 2 people..who weren’t at all bothered! We got our bits out for mirrors and giggled. We jumped and grinded off the podium, and on to the floor, not only dragging our ego’s, but also dragging chairs.
Now i can’t really remember a thing…i was that blotto. But i do recall, kicking my leg up on the stoll, like a Glamour Puss, doing slutty faces, and pouting, to very very loud music. Unfortunately Gary kept FALLING down!! HAHAHA! Everytime i looked at him, he was on the fall. His demon dance moves consisted off losing his sight, lifting his shirt up, falling into a wall, bounding off it, falling into the opposite wall, bounding off that, hitting the floor, grinding sexually, with a rather dirty face on and then getting back up to only fall again…and with a chair. All of this was to ‘Promise’ by Girls Aloud. We were rat arsed.
Anyway we got bored of that and went back to Queens Court, first man we see is the one we stole from (ofcourse…worst criminals ever)…the fact that we both LIED so fluently in that moment of panic…means we’re awful human beings. It’s now night by the way. Both of us at the same time blurt out, ‘OMg we’ve been looking for you everywhere…we found your bag and wanted to give it back to you. Thank God we found you!’
The terrible thing was he was really grateful, then Gary told him he was parched from having to hunt for him all day, in every bar…HAHAHA…so he bought us a rose’ wine. OMG..how evil of us! Bad baaad form. Not sure what happened, but we had to get back to Ponty coz Loverboy had offered to pick us up. I just found myself linking arms with Gary, talking as loud as we could, walking to the train station..but with two full wine glasses, that i was half drinking and half sloshing around, like i owned the WORLD. We didn’t know why everyone was glaring at us..we thought it was because we were beautiful.
Luckily i saw a guy in a neon workmans jacket. When i’m drunk, i mistake them for police..and we all know i don’t like jail…so quickly acted like the most graceful, sober, Princess the world has ever seen, threw my wine glass down somewhere, realized we missed our last train, got in a taxi to Ponty, shimmied into a pub drunk, and had Loverboy meet us!
I can’t remember the rest..apart from then going to the Counting House…infact waltzing in like the most drunk person you’ve ever seen. I love the Counting house. It’s my safe place. Great night. All i can remember really…oh apart from standing on the wall and trying to pretend the scaffolding was a strippers pole.