Hello My sweetie, little plum drops! Make your mark on this world. If YOU don’t, someone else will do it for you. You’re following the life of ‘The Ultimate Glamour Puss’…I do things right, I do things wrong…but i’m on a journey, a magical adventure of ‘Ooh Laa.’ I’m crossing paths, i’m meeting minds, i’m breaking hearts and having mine toyed with. Throw caution to the wind, but keep that ’bedroom’ in your eyes!
Woke up this morning, feeling a little bit ill still, but deliciously refreshed after and early night and an early morning. I’ve been up since 7 am and have important meetings all day. I’ve also just got off the phone to my mum, who you’ve kinda just have to call from your bed, when you feel a bit under the weather. I love her, we’re close. The only woman who will have my back, no matter what. I’ve grown into her…but ofcourse with a lot less clothing on. (Oops!)
Last night, was funny. I ended up getting pizza, but found myself pushing someones rusty old banger, up the street. Imagine asking ME to help you push your car. (Hahahha…) I did try, as you can’t really say ‘no,’ and well i guess i sort of enjoyed the idea of being helpful…but yeah…i was no help.. AND he got his picture taken with me, AND people we’re whistling at my poor attempt. But ah-well, my body was built for pleasure, not hard labour.
As i finished ‘car pushing’ i get a BBM that is insisting that i ring them. I call…(still trying to get my pizza) and on the other end is a rather drunk male friend, who claimed they we’re currently being frantically chased around central, (for spitting on someone and they needed Me to save them. They needed me to come down there, find where they are, and save them.Followed by an ‘OOh i’m by Les Miserables’ and a verse of I dreamed a dream.’ I was completely sober too, and i’ll never be sober again, because when you are, people treat you like you’re some ‘save the world‘ sober angel. (‘Chrissie..save me, help me….push my fucking car.’) Drunks get away with a lot less responsibilty. It was actually hilarious. I pissed myself and felt bad for them. I’m a decent person to call when trashed because i’l play your sick games with you. Then i simply hung up, and BBM’ed ‘Get on a fucking night bus and get your drunk arse home.’ The last thing i heard was them shouting ‘Oh Chriiiiise!!! (in a toodle-loo kinda voice.) Followed by an alarmed.. ‘Wait? Am i in the girls toilets??’ Hopefully, their night ended a bit better than that. But it’s a good start. LOVE it!! I got my pizza, and went to bed by 11.30pm. I’ve just come off a ‘Party Tour.’ Leave me.
Okay woke up this morning, to an awful message from my ex-hubby’s sister, who basically can’t stand to see me do well, and resorted to viscious name calling, being a basic bitch and told me off for ‘cyber stalking’ her poor little defenseless brother, who i now think is a cunt….for ‘sending in the merry troops.’ First of all, if you have felt the need to Google me, then FIND me on Facebook, then me a evil message, well technically you’re CYBER
After all that boasting and ‘argy-bargy’ God has decided to make me a bit sick. I’ve got early flu signs and i need to a brandy to kick it out my system or just knock me out ’til i’m better. I’ve kindly been offered high dosages of ‘penis-cillin’, by various ‘trust me, i’m a Doctor’s.’ But there’s really not much i could do with a ‘whoop-dee’ right now, but wipe my snotty nose upon it. (I’m a poor excuse for a slut.) I’m at my window, hugging a radiator, watching well people, walk by. I want to spit on them, and shout at them, all topless, like a mad woman. Yet instead, i’m reminder note taking: ‘Party Tour too much. You will get sick.’ I’m so foolish. I’m a 28 yr old, Glamour Puss, now hugging a fucking radiator. (Thing you might not know about me. I hate being cold. I’d rather die burning alive, then in a fucking ice blocked igloo.)
I did want to thankyou for all my messages. I’m thumbing through them now, and getting my ‘reply’ on. Anyone who wants anything signed, send them to me and I will smear my reputation all over them for you, before sending them back. I also just spotted a group of lovelies from Montreal, who have started a Chrissie Wunna Twitter fan page. I have my own Twitter profile under ‘chrissiewunna,‘ but please do follow them at ‘chrissywunnafan‘ as they know EVERYTHING about me, and i’m far to drunk and too busy pouting, winking, and being a ego maniac to remember all the stuff that goes on in my life after a jack daniels. I need them in my life and well I love you guys!!! Montreal rocks!! You sexy lovers!
Also wanted to give a shout out to ‘Futures Community college’ (is that right?) Who study ME (Chrissie Wunna) as their main topic, in Business studies! I love the Chrissie Wunna Quizes. (I will get over myself… but just not yet.) I also love my Wunnerettes, who are now stealing furs off 8 yr olds, to reenact My Facebook Party Pictures. (Hahaha…awww. Delicious! I adore you.) They’re all like, fuck being Doctors & lawyers, I want to be like that drunk ageing sex symbol, of a bitch. I think I want my own doll too, that has a play cigarette with it, and a bottle of champers in it’s hand. Then when you press a random button it screaches: ‘Oh please do kindly fuck off. Like…NOW’
I’m currently reading a condom box, the ones i got for free from gays throwing them at Me, whilst i was dancing to ‘Womanizer’, with the big fat, beer bellied, ugly man on the front of it. Not being funny or anything, but why cast him, as the face of your safe sex campaign?? (Yes I am jealous!) But saying that, it is actually enough to put anyone off being felt up forever. It kinda works! The inside reads (no joke even): ’Enjoy a healthy sex life- use condoms when you fuck.’ What!!!!! Whoever invented this box needs trophies AND to call me, so i can be their new improved slaggy face of purrfection.
Other than that, i have nothing to report, except, i don’t understand why people put ‘LOL’ or ‘Haha’ after things that aren’t funny? They’ll say something awkward like ‘i love you’ (not that that’s awkward..i say it all the time) but then put a ‘LOL’ on the end of it, just incase you don’t love them back. Cracks me up! You can love anyone you want, without having to ‘laugh’ it off, whether they love you back or not. If someone’s gonna dislike you for loving them, then they’re a weirdo, not you. And if you make a sarcastic joke of Greatness, don’t think that you need to put a ‘lol‘ or haha’ at the end of it, to NOT hurt the other party’s feelings because people should really muscle up and understand humour at the expense of others by now…adult humour. Plus the ‘laughing’ it off, takes the egde, the BITE off the ‘ooh laa.’
Got to go now, but do want to say i’m slightly confused by people who don’t like to get touched…and i don’t mean inappropriately, because everyone appreciates a bit of a grope. (But saying that, don’t try and touch me.) It seems lots of weird boys have seriously crazy ‘love’ issues, due to a history of hurt and it’s awful. Makes me sad. I’m an open hearted, warm loving being…and you will get more people loving you correctly, if you are the same. (Wink. Wink.) Trust issues are so last season. (Oh god, ‘Latin Lover’ who sent me a ‘Good Bye forever’ speech, in a moment of amateur dramatics because i wouldn’t do as he said..is now all.. ‘Love me love.’ ) When will you learn….
However yeah…I’m taking over the world, but for now, going back to hugging my radiator before comfort food. Yum! (There’s a woman screaming for her life, outside my appartment, and a car being pulled over by an undercover cop car. Oh the drama. Cuddles anyone? Feel up?)
Have you ever had ’rumpy’ with nothing, but a golden plastic club band on your left wrist reading ‘VIP.’ (Hahaha…) No, i didn’t think so! It’s another score of Greatness to ‘The Wunna.’ The darling was laid on his back, doing ‘love making’ faces, then looked at my boobs (as i was a clumsy ‘on top’ straddle,) looked at the dangley diamonds in my ears…noticed i was completely starkers, and then clocked the golden ‘VIP’ band on my left wrist and ‘out loud’ pissed himself. CHAMPION!! Then we both sat upright, in my pink sheets, staring at the window infront of us, each smoking a menthol, and ashing into empty bacardi breezer bottles, as i cracked rubbish joke after really rubbish joke. To be honest we’re actually doing great.
Anyway, i’ve just perfectly completely a 4 day party tour, (if i met you, i love you and thankyou) and i’m quite possibly having the best time in London ever. I have a wonderful circle of friends right now, (yeah some got the chop,) but my life is really amazing..and i really hope yours is too. I can’t believe all the things i’m getting up too. I’ve been boosted the ladder of Greatness and i don’t at all know how? But i’m complaining, because i’m fucking loving it. My work life is currently the best it’s ever been, my love life is exactly how i want it and well i’m having the most fun any little Glamour Puss could have. I’m being invited everywhere and anywhere and i thought ‘Fuck it’ lets do this, after a little sit down. I’m being looked after very very well and people want me to be at their parties because, well i overheard, ‘she’s naughty, she’s gobby and you know she’ll fuck the whole party up! Not only is she amazing, but she’s a fucking star!’ (I thankyou…i re-place my tiara, and swig my wine.) This was said, by an agent to a casting director, who accidently spotted me in soho. They want me to be on their show now. I’m a lucky fucking bitch. (Note: to anyone wanting to do the same thing. They liked me because i didn’t bullshit them. I didn’t pretend i was a good girl. I didn’t pretend, i was amazing. I didn’t pretend i didn’t drink or smoke. I really was just Chrissie (‘yes i’m tragic’ )Wunna. There are so many of you getting ya ‘smooze’ all wrong. I’m a good person to learn from, because i learnt hands on, in one of the toughest entertainment towns in the world……Now, please do bow.)
Okay, i’ll skim, what i got up too. Right! Went up to
U heard! I will gracing my naughty presence in palding tonighta my darlings…at their hottest club ‘LOADED.’ I believe it’s ‘Dave Pearce’ night and well anytime there’s a Glamour Puss combination in the merry house there’s going to be a delicious amount of chaotic ‘ooh laa.’ I’ve been before. They’ve hosted a lot of popular faces and well i’m a giant fan of this club! Come party with me! I mean, You might aswell right? I’m feeling frisky….Maybe you could be sharing my sheets…
I’ll be blogging about my night there…so make a great drunken impression and you too can be a part of ‘chrissiewunna.com’
Hello Lovers of spunk juice. After a whole load of things going dreadfully wrong yesterday, i ended up on one of those randomly spontaneous adventures, where you find yourself not any where where your supposed to be and strutting in high heels, skinny jeans, and a pink tight tube, through Leicester square, with a Gay who was telling all about his French lover, then past a red carpet film premiere, armed with my dark sunglasses, then through a bit of china town and into the darling Ku Bar…where i tend to find myself a lot recently…for ONE drink…which turned into a NIGHT of drinking. I had wine.
Lots of ‘We love Wunna’ fans we’re out. Hahahaha! I really do need to get over myself. Yeah One…but NOT today! Woohoo! I like these nights! I found myself picturing and dancing with chicks, gay dads and the odd lesbo, whilst talking about my tits, then i got a treat from the heavens! Okay! I TWITTER, my whereabouts a GREAT GREAT deal, due to Attention Whore syndrome. And well i’m at this bizarre stage in my life, where people now will see me in a bar, a club, or wherever, even be stood next to me, but weirdly DAREN’T come up to me and say ‘Hi.’ I’m not sure why? I really don’t bite before weekends, and really rarely bite before you have a bite at Me. lol. And this ‘not saying HI’ jiggery pokery, makes me feel like i’m longer adored, therefore please do stop it. Hahah. I’m a lover not a fighter.
Anyway, what was i trying to say? Oh god, yeah…there’s this one deliciously adorable gay male, who reads my blog, watched the show, who i’ve talked to many a time on Facebook, Twitter and ‘Fan Phone’ (which will be making a comeback shortly,) who last week saw that i was at Ku Bar, but dare not come and say ‘hello.’ But you know what! Last ngiht, whilst he was at work, he FOUND The WUNNA in him (oh-er,) lied to his boss, read my Twitter, and then with an ‘I’m just popping to the toilet,’ fled his work place, like a cheeky adventure bumpkin, and went on an adventurous challenge to find me, meet me and get his photo! I LIKE this VERY much!! It’s gutzy, it’s sexy and totally worth my while.
I’m sat at the bar, with Gay Adam, a wine and my gay bartender boyfriend, all boobied and skinnied jeaned, talking about Men and out of nowhere pops this adorable being, all beauticul and deliciously smelling, who i KNEW straight AWAY. (You always think i won’t know who you are. But if i’ve talked to you online at any time…i will KNOW who you are. I’m good like that. Memory like an elephant…or is that sieve?) Anyway before he quite shyly told me his story, i knew his story. Hugged him, kissed him and with an ‘I LOVE YOU’ he GOT his photo..then ran off back to work, as a ‘toilet break’ lie, is one you can’t milk for too long, right. (The above right hand picture…is HIM. He is now officially on Team Wunna, for having giant balls and ‘ooh laa.’) I love him!!!
Okay, then Gay Adam and i figure we might aswell make a night of it, now we’ve committed to the art of being piss heads, therefore we decide to bar hop it, having one drink in each gay bar we could find. I ventured to The Village, sat under chandeliers, poked around on the patio, danced a little disco. Then after deciding to NOT go to Freedom bar…we flurry off in the darkness all singing, dancing and lying to ourselves, to G-A-Y.
Great TIME!! Lots of bottled alcopops we’re enjoyed. Lots of dancing, fun, lollipops for one pound, drunk talk, new friends, Life and shimming took place…maybe even a bit of bullying. There was this weird muslim guy, who refused to admit he was gay and claimed to be in the ‘confused’ stage. He had bought a JUG of booze, for himself & was wearing a Man U t-shirt. I mean honey….if there’s a place, to ‘come out’ in without judgment, it’s going to be fricking G-A-Y. The clue’s in the title darling. Hahahah…anyway he got all huffy and started yelling at my friends. He pointed at me and was like ‘Then WHY are you here???‘ Because i’m a FUCKING Fag Hag you moron & OFF the FUCKING telly! I then toppled into a fake tree thing, made up with a friend and met a real life girl, with bigger boobies than me, who’s REAL last name is actually ‘HOOKER.’ I fucking LOVE IT!!!!! And i LOVED her.
Gay Adam and I then HAD to leave as the pokery was getting far too much for our innocent souls. God i was pissed! Then we ran into little ‘shipwrecked’ Mark Byron who i really do adore…it’s his voice. I just want to tickle him. After dear darling convo, and a discussion about Kat and Jade Goody, i found myself on the Northern Line, back to Camden. (Y’know i actually dreamt last night, that i was in a playground with Paris Hilton, and we we’re linked by the arm, looking up at the night sky and aimlessly spinning, whilst evil laughing. Drinking now makes me hallucinate. Maybe drugs will give me ‘Beer goggles?’)
I called ‘Lashes’ and fought with him. He’s now forgiven me, by being the Peace maker. A like a boy who can peace make. He’s no grudge holder, which makes him a grown up. Just got off the phone to him right now. But anyway, i loved last night. I’m loving London. I did cry a bit before i slept out of drunkardness, whilst stuffing pasta in my face and making polite conversation with myself. (Made great ‘window’ footage.) And well now i have to pack a bag and get ready…
Okay so it’s Friday, so much has happened since my last blog. I’ve been far too ‘funned’ up and tragic to beable to report my news,but i’m going to deliciously attempt to now…hungover…and well because that’s what i do! (I just got a inbox truck load of fan mail…that oodly was all GREAT, but there’s always one little ‘party pooper’-which is what i’m going to refer to my lovely ‘haters’ as from now on… who just needs a cuddle, i’nt there! Haha.. He wants to know why i feel the need to blog every single little thing about my life, because no-one is bothered. The answer to that: Because i’m an awful, infact dreadful human being, who needs to get fed to the lions, then beaten with tickle sticks and taught right from wrong.) Lets all not fight. Lets be shirtless and dance to ‘s club 7′ until we finally see the good in all criminal activity.
Okay, so the good thing about being Chrissie Wunna and saying you like boys, with a bit of banter a float, is that immediately, you will meet a series of boys, all starry eyed, with their hearts thumping through their chest, and their willies all ’a throb’ and upright…who will attempt to ‘BANTER’ you into submission. Not last night, but the night before, i had the most delicious amount of sarcastic evil banter, with all kinds of males trying to score a wink with the Wunna. I’m impressed! Yet then they always fail, as their ‘trouser snake’ gets the better of them, and before you know it, the banter has vanished and we’re back onto a dirty conversation about my tits! One guy told me (quite cockily) that ‘Beauty fades after about 10 mins,’ so i might be externally hot, but it’s what’s on the inside that matters. However, he said, it in a way that was almost like HE was the hot one with the boobies, and I was some poor ‘all talk’ young gentleman. Therefore i merely replied with a ‘My inside is horrid! And your initials don’t seem to begin with A.A’ (Facebook- oh Facebook- had told me, that my new crushe’s initials would be ‘A.A.’ which i believed was simply Gods way of saying…’Fuck the love quiz you bitch, and get yourself to Alcoholics Anonymous!’ I love meetings! Do they drink there? Anyway, long story short..he ended up wanting to give me his number. (I roll my eyes.) I told him he didn’t have to…i’d guess the numbers!! (HAHAHAHA.)
I then got a stream of text messages from the darling Billi Bhatti, in the hours of ‘Booty,’ who simply claimed to be ‘confused by me,’ at 1.24am. Lol. I can’t tell you why, and i really can’t remember why? But yeah, he’s a great guy, when drunk. Very smart..speaks his mind. I like that in people. I don’t enjoy the company of a coward, or someone who can’t seem to find an opinion. No-one can tell you your opinion is wrong, because you’re allowed to think anything, of anyone, at anytime. I’m creating monsters around the world! But i’m loving it, as i’m encouraging people to have more fun, be daring, and bold. Live their life the way they always wanted to, regardless as to what others may think. The odder you are, the better. Do not conform to structure. Make your own rules. Play! Be happy.
Everyone always asks me why, i’m so happy all the time? How do i stay so positive and have the strength to forgive? Well let me tell you. Life ain’t as bad as you all think really is it?? You all have the ‘HAPPY’ in you…I’m just here to remind you of it. I said this to a fan in Canada…who is LOVELY, might i add…and has great taste in people. I think she suggested i become a ‘Life Coach.’ Now lets not get carried away…hahahha…i’m not that great at ‘Life.’ LOL. I cried last night, at myself in a mirror because I was drunk and missed ‘Mikey.’ Woohoo!
I’m doing a blogathon today, as a catch up…expect 3 after each other!!
Random Wunna story: Christina Wunna once almost got arrested in Manchester for running up to a chinese lady, and her heated egg roll cart at 2am whilst drunk, screaming ‘Mama, Mama- love me, love me.’ Wunna then decides to aid her new found Mother, by standing by her side and handing out egg rolls to beings, whilst stating they could enjoy an ‘Egg roll & a Happy Ending.’ The police were called.
Wow! I have been nothing but nagged at and yelled at all day. The nagging drains me (she gently pulls her diamonds from out her left ear,) but the ‘being yelled at’ part doesn’t remotely phase me. I’m so used to it now, that it’s merely become a pout, shrug and a sip of my Bacardi Breezer, (she places down her fur.) I’m sat at my window trying to merrily blog to relieve all this negative stress, after sitting in a Pizza joint, all blank and bewildered, waiting for my much needed comfort food. People wrongly think i’m invincible. I’m made of the same skin & bones as the rest of you. And i’ve started to really see who is strong enough to play by the side of Miss.Wunna and who pretty much still needs a slap. I mean, i’ve had a 20 yr old boy, who didn’t want me to mention his name (JONNY)..who is under the misconception, that he has the power, to control my BLOG. (It’s actually MY name at the top of this screen and not yours!) He should concentrate on living his own life better, instead of trying to edit mine. We’ve had another fall-out, and this time i really don’t care. I don’t have time for negative, Queeny fits of ‘storm off.’ He needs to learn to be good to the people on his way up, as he sure as hell will hit them on his way down. People like him, are ungrateful for those who have been extremely good to them. They tend to take energy from beings who show great strength. They do that because they need to. They need to…because they are weak. They are weak because they do not 100% believe in their own strength. There is no room for negative people like that on Team Wunna. (Like i always say: Winners are positive problem solvers. There is nothing put infront of you that you can’t, in the end, handle. Therefore as we elbow his ungrateful ass out the way, i’ll introduce you to a much more worthy being… Mr.John Daners. A better ‘Jonny.’)
Okay, John Daners is an amazingly, secure witty, confident male. He has the best, most intelligent banter going, I tells ya. A type of personality, that I rarely find in a being these days, with a very well exercised sense of humour. After talking to him from his desk at an MTV office, where i acted as nothing more than a delicious online distraction, and really a bit of a nuisance. I’ve invited him for drinks, so he can raise his 7 out of 10 Wunna score, to maybe almost an 8. (Lol.) I like him because he introduced himself as a ‘lurker.’ He apparently knew me, before he knew me, and well a ‘lurker’ is a being that will read my blog everyday, yet dare not comment. (There’s thousands of you, so don’t be thinking you’re all kinky and special. Hahah…) He’s newly on Facebook you darlings, therefore if you wish to be highly entertained with intelligent jiggery pokery…then he’s your next add!! I can’t wait to do drinks with him and his wind swept hair. He did actually want to know, whether i found it a little worrying that people knew more about my life, then I know about there’s (he knows everything about Me…which i do quite enjoy.) And well the reason i tend not to worry, is because i’m lazy…and well this way people get to remind me of the things i’ve done, after my memory has been raped by Jack Daniels. BOOYAH!
Anyway on a positive note! Oh no wait…i have another negative. Please DO stop mailing my MOTHER hate mail to our Yorkshire home. Today, she recieved almost 14 handwritten letters. We’re going to start sending you all champagne, to Thankyou you very deeply, for reading my blog…and really there isn’t enough time to go to the shop again to buy any more bottles. (Wink, wink.) All i wanted was to make you feel with every cell of your being…and well your proving that i’m doing that. Thankyou.
Finally all i wanted to say is i LOVE my Wunnerettes! (These are the young girls who follow the ways of The Wunna. I mentor them through to a life of Greatness and well I love you very much.) They’re so cute, coz they’ll go in stores and put on fur coats, and start fabulously demanding things, in my voice…or performing my words of Greatness!! Hahaha…
I got a forwarded text message from one the girls the other night, that was sent to them by another Wunnerette…it read: ‘Okay my little ewok, rest your little paws…sleep tight, don’t let the naughty boys bite. Wink. Pout and whisper ‘oooooh la,’…in your dreams you might find yourself a ‘Lashes.’ Mwah. Keep it sexual bitch. I love ya x’
There you go…I AM a good influence after all! IN YOUR FACE!!!! ( I enjoy how a 15 year old girl, can understand me better than a 20 yr old boy. You can make ur own judgements on that. I’m saying nothing. Hahaha. Wink.)
OMG! I’ve had what seems like zero sleep, due to a circus like fluster outside my appartment window all last night. Unfortunately it had absolutely nothing to do with ME and my terrifying Greatness, this time…but i will tell you, that not only was a stream of blue police lights, literally lighting up my whole bedroom from the juiced up street, like a ‘feel me up’ Gay bar. But it was followed by a rather rude amount of siren noise for about 4 hours. Then a MAD man, leapt onto my window with his arms wide open, (kinda like a Care Bear) and his mouth wide open (kinda like a slag.) I sort of just glared at him, in my sunglasses at 3.24am, with a ciggy in my hand, not remotely phased by the terror, and looking rather unimpressedwith the fact that i had just realized I had had 3 conversations with people on the phone, before i passed out drunk, that i couldn’t at all remember. The dear man actually shimmied across the width of my window, sort of screaming ‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!’ (Not very creative.) They should’ve just shot him or jailed him for poor amateur dramatics. I’m the Queen of the Tantrum, and well yeah, that bit of ‘doo-daa’ certainly wouldn’t have got him diamonds! (‘Get off my window you dirty wretched beast! You’re not on the list! My people can’t see Me!!’) I hope he wasn’t actually asking for my help, as i really would have fucked up there…Oops! Hahaha!
Anyway, on a cuter note. I did dinner with Jonny last night. We’re close, he’s good company, we’re fun folk and well we all know i love him a little.We trundled off to a bright little Italian restuarant in Camden, around 9 ‘o clock-ish. He was all bleached blond and cute and i was all little black dress and boobied. We had ‘mad dirty cowboy sex’ (the kind that involves deviously hung ponnies, n rodeo dwarves) and then we dined on prawns, olives, pizza and cabonara. I can’t actually remember what this place was called, as it was picked at random. But the FOOD is GREAT there. (Haha…i’m ever so helpful, i know.) The portions are massive (just how i like it…wink wink) and well we talked about life, love, ‘Lashes’ and how he’s not only learning money, but wants to date a