About to go to bed and just wondering how long i’m going to beable to pretend i’m happy for? I’m pulling it off, yet on the inside is years worth of pain. I’ve just been to dinner with my Mum, and it really took me back through all the sort of awful emotional history i have. I was the little girl who had everything. Everything but the one thing she really wanted.
If i’m being honest i feel really alone right now. I don’t have anyone i can really talk to. No-one. Even when i’m out having a ‘good’ time, i’m getting trashed to numb a pain, an ‘ouchy’ and a lifetime of it. I could say that i really need a good friend right now. But i don’t. I don’t like to moan on at friends (the ‘family’ that you actually get to hand pick) with my problems. It’s not my role. I’m here to make people happy. Plus, I’m not comfortable enough to do that. They don’t know enough about me. Plus, i’ve dealt with everything in my life on my own. There’s people i could talk to…but they’re all in LA.
What i really need is a stranger to walk into my life, a complete stranger that i can tell them everything..get it all out and then let it pass. I did that once in New York and it was one of the best things that ever happened for a while. It was one of the hardest times i ever lived. I can’t believe that there’s actually one human being, other than Me…this guy who i don’t even really know, who i’ll never see again, who knows everything that’s ever happened to me. He was like an angel, he listened and that’s all i needed. Half the stuff would just shock you.
I’m going through a really difficult time right now, that no-one knows about. I’m facing a great deal of emotional hardships from all angles, in all areas of my life and a great deal of loss. I’m not okay. I need a life line. A hand. A someone i can trust. An ear to listen. A stranger. Just someone i can open up to. A person to really give a shit. I feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders and that people always do me wrong. I need to find my strength. I’m going into a state of withdrawal. I feel like a disappointment. When i was 22 my life was perfect.
If you could be granted one wish right now….what would it be? Really…what would it be?
I can’t believe i’ve actually blogged this….