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You know you’re a proper floozy, when your eyelash falls into your morning cup of tea. I was mid rambling on about how i much disliked seeing ‘Miss. Naked Beauty’s’ muff last night, and how much i disliked the show, then my eyelash decides to fall off my face and ‘plop’ into my cup of tea!! (Haha) Tragic!! Says it all really!! Hilarious! Great start to the morning. I’m falling to pieces, an eyelash a time. Next my boob will fall off, into the eager palms of a handsome stranger. I wish! God, i’m a lonely cow.

I dreamt i was aimlessly running around an Egyptian Palace last night. I love Palaces, and i adore luxury, (i hate having it any other way) but this one was a stinky stoney maze. It felt so ‘Indiana Jones,’…which i know has nothing to do with Egypt…but it did! Then i ended up in a chinese restuarant in Yorkshire, where i had to hide from a tiny chinese man, who was trying to kill me. What happened to my good old fashioned sex dreams?? Funny, I’m still staring at my floating eyelash, and a bundle of dried flowers. I despise dried flowers, as i think they’re POINTLESS. Why buy something that’s already dead? Just because you spray ‘Vanilla Must’ on them, it doesn’t magically bring them back to life now, does it!

Anyway, GREAT day today, as tonight i get my KITTENS! I’m so happy, so excited, as i get to be ‘Mummy’ to three tiny little kitty cats. Can’t wait!! I’m a serious snuggle bunny…(believe it or not), i’m very kissy, cuddly ‘spoon me please!’ Very tactile. Very loving. Infact, I can’t get through the day without squeezing someone. I just think the sense of ‘touch’ is so precious. (Oh here i go…haha!) So anyway, basically…i’ve been needing something to love and take care of, for a very long time . I am very EXCITED!! Saying that, by tomorrow, they would’ve probably pissed me off!! (haha!)

Shared a bed with my Mum last night, because i was scared a mouse was gonna come up on my bedside table and eat a box of chocolates. Random, but true! Anyway, NEVER again, i woke up to the sounds of her banging a bell (God knows where she got it from) up against the iron bed posts, repeatedly at 6am, and then bashing the wall behind the headboard, (like her life depended on it) with a firm alarm clock, and a dream catcher. I did ask why? She said because she was scared a mouse had got in, was on the bedside table and was eating a box of chocolates! (hahaha!) Now you get why i’m a total whack job! Hurrah!! Bloody looneys!!

The BBC breakfast show is currently telling me that Lizards are the new Labrador. Nice try! I don’t F****** think so! It’s Christmas you spaz, no-one wants a bloody Lizard, we won’t magical reindeer and whisky, with white bearded men!! On the other channel is a quiet documentary on ‘Beavers.’ (Love the word ‘beaver.’) He’s said ‘beaver’ approx. 47 times, in 2 minutes. ‘Soft BEAVER re-introduction….Checking the habitats of young BEAVERS!’ Priceless piece of knowledge! When i grow up, i want to be HIM!!

God, i need tea, i can’t concentrate, but i will say, (before i love you and leave you) that i cannot stand overly sensitive, no sense of humour girls!! OH MY GOD!! Grow up!! I was with a girl last night who’s a closet ‘attention whore,’ so when a gaggle of boys flirt with her, in a ‘cheeky chappy’ way…she turns it into some ‘cry baby’ drama, instead of laughing along….even though she loves it!! Wrong way to deal with it!!ANNOYING!!

I adore a bit of cheeky banter with boys! (I know you well and you’re harmless!!) All my friends are guys, so i understand them, and a lot better than i do girlies. (Ooooh Sailor!) I’ve heard it all, and love ’Boy talk,’ as all the things they’ve done to girlies, has happened to Me (funny)…it’s quite educational!! (haha) So I don’t fricking go around scorning them for having a good time!! Get over yourself! (Shit, i’m a ‘grump’ today.)

Bottom line a cheeky Northen gaggle, IS going to cheer when you walk into a bar, and comment on your ‘jubblies.’ A bunch of Essex boys ARE going to want to give ya bum, a nice naughty squeeze. (Geezer, Geeeeezer!) An LA boy WILL say whatever he can to ‘hump’ ya ‘lump’and not mean it…. Infact, if you ask me, it’s the boys that don’t openly say things like that, you’ve got to be more careful of!!!

Chrissie Wunna x

I’m currently sitting in Starbucks, with a friend who can’t stop annoying me, via the tremendous art of the ‘Human Beat Box.’ Tragic!! So ashamed of him right now, like we need to be stared at ANY more, Dude!!  Starbucks, is my ‘gathering thoughts,’ time, and not ‘forced to listen to a preppy boy trying, to spit beats in my ear,’ time! I’m like ‘GOD, stop human beat boxing! You’re getting it in my face, you twat!!’

Seriously, he’s like Lord Willy Woof, all English gentleman, trying to get his ‘Thug Style’ on! My patience is being slowly burnt to a merry cinder. I mean, if you’re good, then for sure happily ’Beat box’ away right? But if you sound like you’re trying to spit a squirrels arse out ya mouth, then SHUT the HELL up. When my coffee kicks in…my hot pink heels, will be wedged up his ‘Whoopsee!’ Maybe that was the whole plan?

All smiles..

Chrissie Wunna x

Woke up this morning …’thinking.’ Dangerous! It’s bad for you. I have the most powerful of minds, cleverly parcelled in a ‘Bimbo’s’ body. Lethal combination. I trust my body, just as much as my mind…it’s never let me down. (ha-ha) I don’t like to think to much, it’s bores Me.

This time last year, i was racing around the streets of Hollywood, downing Peach margaritas, going from couch to couch, loving my loved ones, screaming at strangers, throwing patio furniture over balconies, dancing with hooligans, walking pit bulls, enjoying the ‘fake’ snow at the Grove, spending a night in the trunk of a Ford Taurus, wiping away other peoples tears, causing tears, dressing up as a belly dancer, being called an ‘Icon,’ loving myself, hating myself, sunning it by a pool, running in and out of wedding chapels, doing photo shoots, argueing with a Driver, partying like a champion and trying to get rid of the nastiest leather coat i have ever seen, that even a random prostitute (who was half ‘penis’) didn’t care to want. What was i thinking? That was all in 2 weeks. Insane!! Welcome to the story of my life. I’ve had a GREAT one, and yes it has just been a series of comedic knock-backs, but Darlings my glass was always half full!! Where are my kittens!!!

I’m flash backing mid-blog…! It’s going from being lifted in the air and spanked with giant wooden lolly pop sticks, to a chrous of buff gays, hailing me and singing ‘She got it from her Maaaaaaaamaaa/She got it from her Maaaaaaamaaaaa!’ Then moving to a ’misty- watercoloured’ of Beauty bar, and once again me being lifted, in UV, by a gaggle of over-excited drunks, all cheering and raising me to that song that goes ‘ Aaaaaaaah blah, blah, blah, blah blaaaahh…I’m a Loser baby, so why don’t you kill me!’ Tragically delicious!!

Why does everyone feel the need to lift me, and to music?? When i was working at ‘Crunch,’ trainers (with their ‘gun shows’)  would randomly saunter up, say ‘Hi’ then plunge me into the air and sometimes upside down!! It’s not normal… Me no likey! You don’t see me going around lifting humans, goddamit!! But saying that, I don’t really lift anything…apart from the odd bubbling champagne flute to mouth. Bliss!

Chrissie Wunna x

This day will go down in HISTORY! My Hair Extention appointment got postponed, so i had 4 hours to entertain myself. Sends a tingle down my spine…bring it ON baby! Oooh the excitiement!! Makes me want to ease down my knick-knacks and rub ‘Her Majesty’ on a near by satin pillow. (Haha..not even joking!)

So, armed with a low-fat latte, i get tugged by this horny man, who insists i play with his ‘Wand’ in the middle of a shopping centre. He had burn marks all over his hands, and apparently lived on my street in LA. The ‘Wand’ is a hair curler, and he needed Me as his demonstration dummy..for the masses. He was sticking this ‘Wand’ through my hair and rubbing his trouser snake up against my back, whilst saying ‘I’m not gay. I have very big hands.’ (I love big hands..haha.) To be honest it was kind of a turn on. I love people stroking my hair. Sexy!! Unfortunately, I refused to purchase his ‘Wand’ (I just used him for his hair curling abilities. Ha!) But he gave me it for FREEEEEEE anyway. He said he LOVED my ‘work.’ I love this whole, ‘being hit on, then getting free stuff’ due to my ‘work’ malarky!! SUPERSTAR!! Oooh the stares! Made my juices flow!! Gimme! Gimme! Now i can get my hair did for free all the time, provided i mention his ‘Wand!’ How odd? 

Anyway, I’ll skim it…Here we go! Bought a bunch of Christmas Cards, got asked what a ‘Cuboid’ was whilst i was purchasing Christmas cards. Ended up having my picture taken with the manager, (So bizarre..i love it), got a fluffy birthday cake hat (hahaha)…for FREEEEE! Just keeps getting better. How funnny! Thought i’d be hilarious and go into 2 different Butchers and ask for ‘ a nice bit of Rump Steak.’ Don’t know why i found this funny…but i did???  It was just the butchers face!! Then i’d ask  the butcher to’tenderize’ my ‘RUMP’. He told my chest ‘ANY time!!!’ (hahaha) I love my boobs and they were out and working today!!!! It was ’Big juicy sausages’ in the second Butchers. Priceless! I kept politely asking for them to be ’about 8 thick inches!!’ (A round of applause please!) I got a few winks, and then he asked if he could have a peek!! (In my chest!) Classic! I grabbed my cumberland, my dignity and with a ‘Maybe next time’ strutted off into the distance…all ‘T’ and ‘A.’ Cracks me up! Especially because on the way out, i got asked to ’drain’ someones chestnuts!’ (hahahahahah) Do they not know how funny they are????

Later i found myself buying a keyring, that with a push of a button shouted ‘Carry On’ phrases!! What!! Best thing EVER! So whilst i purchased silver/diamond bling for my ‘getting here soon’ Kittens (tags that say ‘V.I.P’/'Pussy’/'Cute’)…i kept lunging behind hot boys in the store and pressing my ‘Ooooooh Matron’ button..followed by a ‘Ding Dong, Carrrrrrrry On!’ (Greatness!!!) Everyone was pissing themselves!! But i fell into cheap wrapping paper, mid lung-Carry On phrase ‘Get it out’…so my moment ended, as the ‘pissing themselves’..turned into ‘pissing themselves AT ME.’ Hilarious! I was covered in glitter, baubles and sheer shame!! Even my slutty lingerie fell out my bag…mid fall. It was all red and leopard print. God, i’m a skank! Delicious! I love it! Spank me, you’ll thank me!! ‘Oooh La laaaaaaaaa!’

Finally, i ended up being given thick jellied nipple pads, that were all fleshy coloured, squidgey and in the shape of lips. Oddest things?? I have them on now. It’s like having gold fish lips, stuck on the end of your ‘tee tee’s.’ I don’t quite understand them? I know that boys are supposed to kiss you there, and i’ve had many take a suckle, ( and i’m not afraid to say I ADORE it,) but if you ask me it’s very dangerous to have fucking ‘looks like real’ lips on the ends of your nips! The lips are massive too! All i keep thinking is drunken men, ‘beer goggles,’ and me naked with 3 sets of lips??? It could get very confusing??? Especially if i drew eyes on my boobs!! (hahahah) Then i saw Santa going for a pee, followed by his trusty ‘pissed off’ Elf, and my hair got extended to the soothing sounds of ‘Christmas.’

Woke up this morning, being haunted via flash back, by this one boy i dated. I was shot back to a moment in LA on a roadside, whilst i was walking out of his appartment after staying the night, and him shouting my name, across the street. As i tuned around he stopped and yelled, ‘One day i’ll marry you.’ We don’t talk now.  He hates me. Great guy though. (hahaha) It’s the guilt!!

‘Brand’ as in ‘Russell’ made another unannounced appearance in my dream. I think he was pretending to be my husband again. It’s really odd, as i don’t have any urge to be married to him…he just keeps swiggy-swaggering in, playing ‘Romance Camp.’ Bad manners really. It’s my dream, NOT YOURS!! (haha)

Anyway, i’ve got to dot off, as i’ve an appointment with my hair extention lady!! Go to go!! I’ll report later! It SNOWED last night! IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!!’ Quick words of ‘Love’ advice: (Not like i’m Cupid, but F*** it, I’m Cupid) Never be anyone’s SECOND best, when you can be someone’s FIRST!! Godda GO! I’m being shoved!