Nights, Moments & 4 months booze free…

It’s Monday evening. Yorkshire, England. I’ve worked hard all weekend. I’ve been filming. (So have the kids.) Therefore, I’ve had a chilled one today because I’ve just been so exhausted. I think ‘lockdown’ made me lose my touch?

I had a 5.30am call time. (Which is usually a breeze.) Then the following day I finished at 3.30am. (Again, that doesn’t usually bother me.) It jumbled me all up this time though? Maybe i’m just old? I’m usually fine? The last time I felt really tired was when I was on set at Christmas.

I’d gone from back to back film, to back to back film. I was running on adrenalin, yet delighted because I was booking so much work and filling my little creative soul with happiness.

When the makeup artist was doing my face…I fell asleep, mid- brush stroke…IN THE CHAIR. Haha.

I mean, how embarrassing!!! I shocked myself up!

This time all I’ve done is film two things and I’m knackered. 🙂 I need an on set rocking chair,

Hopefully dreams come true after all this work I’m constantly putting into everything. If not, i’ll cry. Haha. (No really. I will cry.)

So yeah, that’s that. Everything else in my world is happy! No news is good news.

I was having a bit of a ponder today and thinking back through my life.

I always think whatever’s meant to be is meant to be. Yes, you can and SHOULD work hard for what you want. It’s yours for the taking. Everything your heart desires CAN be achieved. You just have to work your arse off for it, get ballsy and go, go, go.

But there are things that just aren’t yours. You’ll be able to feel what isn’t yours. It’s an instinct and no matter how hard you work…it’s just not an experience you’re meant to encounter in your story.

That isn’t a bad thing…If it’s something that you really wanted, of course it will feel shitty. But the sooner you realise it just wasn’t yours, the quicker you’ll move forward and happily.

It took me a lot of years to learn. In fact being an actor helped. I mean the zillion times we’ve heard ‘no’ and got rejected makes the best of us so utterly strong. Gives us a fire to fight. Well some of us anyhow. When you’re new to it all, it can obviously feel heart breaking.

But I don’t wanna sound all doom and gloom because I’m not. I’m happy. I’m positive. I’m strong. I’m probably one of the strongest people you’ll meet in your life. One of those troopers who keeps getting back up, adjusting her bra, tossing her hair and with a smile on my face.

So, i’ll put it out there in a more positive fashion…

‘I always say that there’s a magic in the air and the things that’s are meant for you, will automatically be yours.’

Is that better?

Wait! I need a drink. I’m parched!

I’m also 4 months booze free now! I’m really proud of myself. I don’t know how it’s happened? Two more months and I’ve done one half a year, no booze. Wtf?

Ruby: ‘I don’t even know why you’re doing this? It’s good, but Mum, what you gonna do when we have a something to celebrate??? You’re just not a cuppa tea mum. You always pop open a bottle and pour a celebration drink??? I just can’t imagine?’

Me: ‘It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’m FINE!!!!’

Haha..

I am a bit worried though because in ‘lockdown’ it’s quite easy to refrain from drinking. There’s no influences.

However, when the kids and I went to lunch at ‘Ego’ on Thursday…it felt so STRANGE & I felt moderately uncomfortable NOT having a wine. It was weird?

So it’s something I’m not quite used to? I had a 0% Peroni. I really missed drinking that day.

Now we’re all getting social again…I’m gonna find it more difficult. Even when people are asking me to go out for drinks, be it friends or dates, it’s making me worry…because well…I’ve never been to a bar and not had cocktails?

Anyway, tomorrow I’m chilling all day, but in the evening I have something exciting! I’m feeling a bit nervous. No. I’m feeling a lot nervous. But on the whole it feels good, so I’m smiling. I’ll tell you all about it the following morning. I can’t even takin aboit it right now.

I’m also missing LA life. But maybe because things are a bit scribbly in my world here, right now. It’s happy but there is certainly a haze. I’m always desperate for it to just be lifted, but I’m always hopeful that a happy ending will come my way.

I’d love for a ‘breeze.’ A real life ‘breeze.’

But I’ve been chatting to my LA buddies a lot more recently. So maybe it’s that? In fact I’ve been chatting to them everyday and I think that it’s making me miss Hollywood life, a lot.

However I’m trying not to, just so I can be present, in my present situation. I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, so I just need to appreciate it, with absolute gratitude.

Lots of you are STILL asking me about my love life…and yes I’m still single. Lol. I’m still happy. I’m open to dating. If anything crazy happens, i’ll certainly let your know.

It’s weird because i’m not looking but i’m hoping the love of my life will just find me. YET, i’m not gonna lie, there’s this wonderful feeling of absolute empowerment that I’m getting, simply by being a happy, single, eligible bachelorette?

Saying that, I described myself as a ‘hotdog’ the other day? It sounds ridiculous and pretty much is. But honestly I do look like one. Like…if you closed your eyes, you could imagine me wedged in a ‘finger roll.’

(Wait! That sounds mucky. I do mean a bread roll!!)

I’m back to filming on August 5th. So I’ve got a script to learn for then.

I hope tomorrow night goes okay.

Sending you my love,

Chrissie x

Drama, Pressure & Happy Endings…

It’s a jungle out there! Luckily, i’m made for it. Hopefully you are toooo, as life slowly sways it’s way ‘back to normal.’ The babies and I are booked into ‘Ego’ today for lunch, so things must surely be back on track?

We’re also armed with customized Wunna Land face masks, thanks to ‘Bags of Love Uk.’ Ruby’s excited about them because she thinks she has her own mask line? Haha.

Okay, so I’m happy, but i’m still learning lessons as I go along.

I’ve noticed that when I have something important to tend to, I HAVE TO make sure, that i’m completely closed away from outside ‘dramas’ and that i’m all snug and at peace, in the beautiful bubble that i’ve created, called ‘Wunna land,’ in order to focus. I’ve actually been really good at it, over the last couple months. That’s why i’ve done pretty well at work.

But the other day, before something really important Ruby’s dad… (I’m a single mum) decided to give me a little call and literally cause THE MOST drama EVER…within a ‘snippedy click’.

Ruby: ‘What is he even doing?’

Me: ‘Don’t worry. I’ll sort it for you. Just stay here and relax.’

Junior: ‘Can I have pancakes?’

So Ruby’s dad for some reason is starting to feel all lost, needy and well he just keeps showing up outside the house and staying their for ages? Eh?

He can see Ru whenever she wishes, so that’s not the problem. If she fancies it she goes. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Pretty normal. But it got the point where almost EVERY other day, in fact EVERY DAY, he’d park outside the house, demand Ruby would go outside (when she didn’t want too lol) and refuse to leave for ages. If Ruby didn’t want to go outside…(She’s 9. She just wanted to play with her brother)…He’d kick off?

Ru: ‘Why is he here again?’

Me: ‘I honestly don’t know?’

One day we had quite a lot of stuff to do and we had to reschedule it all because he refused to leave and Ruby didn’t want to walk by him because she felt awkward. UGh! (This was after his 4th day of doing it.)

Anyway, he came the other day and again Ru refused to speak to him because it’s just too much for her now and she just felt under pressure. I completely understand that because I’d feel the same way. I’d feel suffocated and harrassed.

It kinda made me sad because she looked at me, at the beginning of the week and said…

‘He’s not respecting me. I need space.’

(I didn’t like it. It felt wrong. At this point I hadn’t said anything to him about it…I didn’t know what he was thinking…But he’s not usually nuts & until this point they’ve had a really good relationship.)

In my mind….you can’t…well you can…But you shouldn’t just randomly show up unannounced outside someone’s home…..continuously….for days and days. It’s odd…and surely it’s rude? It’s intrusive.

So….

Couple days ago he calls me…After he’d been calling my mum a few times and shouting at her?

I look at my phone. I see it ring. We’re about to start our movie afternoon…I didn’t want to pick up….UGH! But I did! If I didn’t….it wouldn’t stop.

THEN with his knickers in a full on twiddly TWIST, the tinkered in with his full on drama.

Safety FIRST. This is a tinker free zone!

Quit it or move on.

Behind the scenes, we have so much going on and we’re all really grateful for the love and opportunities that people are currently giving us. It’s a dream come true. Obviously, It takes work, time, respect and love. SOME People (Lol) aren’t realising that & it’s stressing us all out.

However, when people don’t tinker on the drama train, we’re all really chipper and our life is filled with loveliness.

On a personal note, during these LOVELY times, I kinda need to focus. There’s a big old career hat I need to tend to and it’s far MORE important than any little boy drama. I feel like he wants to be more important than that….But he’s just not.

So, I stated that. Politely at first. It was decorated with that divine British wit, that I seem to have mastered.

In the end, he wouldn’t go away….So I just had to shout at him…until he would because Ruby had had enough. The simple, yet effective method and well she looked at me like I should be nipping it in the bud, for her.

Me: ‘Why are you being so rude? I get that you’re not feeling good, but that’s not my fault. What are you actually mad at? You don’t even know what you’re saying or doing? You’re nuts. You actually sound like you’re jealous?’

(This was after he tried to make fun of me and belittle me, without the actual support of any truth. You don’t get to do that. Then said he was jealous of my son….Junior. Eh?????)

Pete: ‘YES!!! I AM JEALOUS…AND I AM…’

Me: ‘Right, I’m done now. I’m really bored of wasting my time on this conversation. It’s dull…Write me a letter or something, or watch a Youtube tutorial on how to be a…’

(Then i hung up.)

Ruby: ‘Thank God. Can you make pancakes now? Is he gonna do that thing where he waits outside for ages, until we do as he says???’

No. I don’t think so. I’m exhausted. I’m never sticking up for you again. Haha. You’re just sat there in your nighty, demanding pancakes like the Queen of Wunna Land.’

Then weirdly Ru, Ju and I just looked at each other…paused…and then laughed.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE??

Pete’s usually so sane too? I don’t know what’s got into him? He turned all ‘Queeny,’ and yeah he’ll probably feel bad for it now, but in my book, that’s it… He’s joined the nuts club.

Cancelled.

So…If i go online, i’m getting called names before 9am, just for doing well or being moderately attractive. When i chill offline at home, i’m picking up my phone to get SCREAMED AT, by old friends, who seem like strangers?

Hahaha. Yipppeeee! Some life!

It’s bonkers. Stop being bonkers. Just chill. Go do life. Get happy. Don’t bother me. I’m in a kimono most of the time, having a pretty sober blast!

When I began the phone conversation I was fully clothed. However, during the chat and because i was getting more and more passively frustrated, a layer of clothing kept being ripped off, simply because i was feeling emotionally suffocated. Haha.

In the end, I was STOOD, in just my non matching, bra and knickers… in the middle of my living room, in front of a window, with a ‘what has just happened’ face?

Then i made pancakes and got on with my audition. Half mad and half relieved to be free. I also read all my comments on Tiktok just to make me feel wonderful again, because they couldn’t be nicer.

My Tiktok crew are literally the most wonderful humans in the world of Wunna ever. Every minute they make me smile with love!

It kinda doesn’t matter that exes from a zillion years ago are grumpy because Dan From Texas, Will from Finland, a guy from Egypt, a girl in Japan, Colletee in Leeds, Sam from London, Mark from LA, Steve in NYC, Laura in Georgia…

I make all these people smile. I apparently make their day and I love it. I value it.

(Tiktok is pretty much my new booze. Everyone just thinks i’m dancing around and posting videos for entertainment and a bit of ‘look at me.’ I’m actually de-stressing and performing my way back to chill mode. I’ve noticed that i’ll always dance when i’m stressed. In the past i’d want a wine.)

The Santana video that I posted on my insta yesterday, was the tiktok i filmed immediately after that argument, JUST TO RELAX, before my audition.

Surely is why i’m single! There’s no stress. No compromise. No exes. Just happiness. Work. Bliss. Freedom. Hahaha.

All this drama that keeps popping up is making me not trust the art of ‘coupling up.’

Is it worth the stress, when I’m already so happy? I’m looking for a life enhancer. Not a ticket to drama city.

I went on to film an audition. In fact TWO. Then Ruby and I filmed a piece together, that you will shortly be seeing on the old telly box…It’s only a little bit, but it was just so much fun. It was wonderful.

But then, that evening…something lovely happened. After all that stress!

Tim, remember the guy who had asked if i preferred Thai or Turkish food online? Anyway…I see another notification on my phone and he’s sent me a video….

I love videos. So, obviously i’m intrigued. (A girl named Ashley also sent me a beautiful video this morning and i wanted to publicly thank you for that. You have a beautiful voice.)

But OH my gosh…

The video that I received from Tim…

It was the nicest and most thoughtful surprise ever. It was really kind. It was really sweet and i was really shocked. I was really happy. It was beautiful. I didn’t know what to say? It was lovely.

Tim hasn’t known me for years…personally. He found me on Tiktok and just liked my videos, which led him to my insta..which led him to Wunna land. He’s not scared of anything. He’s all ‘skin to the wind.’ I got a video. I love videos. I love letters. They’re my favourite.

I was really touched and after a really shitty day of people trying to ‘boomerang’ negativity into my world…It just felt like the most perfect ‘breeze.’

I love a ‘breeze.’

It was later that evening and I laid upon my bed, in my kimono.

‘Ru!!!!’

What Mama?”

‘Come look at this…’

(I always share moments like that WITH HER, just to show how kind people are or can be, so when she’s older and she ‘flash backs’ she’ll remember.)

She was filled with excitement. She laid next to me on my bed and we watched it….

I’m not gonna tell you what she said, but she looked up at me and her little asian eyes smiled. I smiled.

Then she dashed out the room to tell Junior, who didn’t care at all. Haha.

‘I’m impressed.’

I feel like you’ll hear more of this story…

So, what i’m trying to tell you is that your day can start off really shitty , yet end on such a remarkable note.

If you’re living in the moment, the present like I am…it can feel pretty hideous, at the time.

But once it hits the past and becomes ‘yesterday,’ it’s over. It’s done. You can completely forget about it and wash ya hands of it.

However, in the moment,…it feels ridiculous. Almost like a circus.

It’s all mind over matter. Adjust appropriately and have a way of bouncing back to your happy place, at your own pace. It can be a thought, a break, a song, a dance, a word, a memory. Just find your way back.

Don’t let other’s burden you with their pain, if you did not welcome it into your world.

Be excited for tomorrow. You never know what’s going to happen?

I love you so much,

CHRISSIE x

What’s your ‘type?’

So, yesterday I did something lovely for someone and sent it to them, via the fine art of ‘Dm.’ It was cute. I’m cute. I don’t know why I wanted to do it..? (That’s a lie, I do know…Haha.) But anyway, I did it. Immediately.

Now, I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now because this morning, when they saw it and acknowledged it, I kinda felt really shy? I felt really embarrassed for being ‘cute,’ and surely I shouldn’t, as what is possibly more delightful, than being so thoughtful, right?

Therefore, i’ve decided that there’s certainly a shyness to me, that I didn’t quite realize I had and mainly because i’ve hidden behind the ‘vixen’ mask for quite a few jolly years. It’s comforted me. In fact it still does, as it seems and well it’s kept me safe from harms way, broken hearts and broken egos.

I am quite sassy. That is certainly a part of me. I’m a sensual little lady and life has let me own that vibe. Yet, I don’t think people realize that there’s a gentleness to me. They certainly see me as a ‘type.’ However, when they say ‘you’re my type,’ I always kinda wonder what they mean by ‘type?’ How do they see me?

A footballer once looked at me in a hotel room, told me he fancied me and said it was because I was ‘dangerous.’

I’m not ‘dangerous‘ at all? I’m chilled.

I said nothing, but just smiled.

Even my first husband Mike, once said, whilst we were still married that I was ‘never the safe option.’

It’s so weird, as i’d probably think i’m a guys safest option?

When i’m in love…and I mean the real deal…I’m not talking about a one sided crush, that tickles my panties… I’m literally the most romantic girl I know. I’m loyal. I’m supportive. But most of all i’m nothing BUT the ‘safe option.’

I wonder why i seem so ‘danger zone’ to people?

I’m aware that I’m drawn a certain way. I look like a ‘sasserilla’ with a sexy disposition and there are definitely moments of that…because I enjoy being sexy. It’s fun and free. However, I wonder how many guys see more than that?

I mean, I’m only feisty, when I have to be…when someone’s fucked with my okayness. I’m a tough cookie. You don’t mess with ‘Wunna Land.’ I’ll come at you with ‘home truths’ and wit galore.

However, if you scrape all that to the side of your plate, i’m actually really laid back, calm, romantic and kind.

I wonder how many guys think or see that?

But for now, i’m still single, looking for Mr.Right and well…he’ll come find me. He’s somewhere in this dandy old world. He’ll come get me…but when everything’s right.

Anyway, I had an audition today for a feature film. It felt good. It went well. I hope I get it because I want it. The role feels..well it’s just so me. But i like to do the audition, forget about it and hear, when I hear… So we’ll see.

I did my first Tiktok ‘live’ last night. It went well until my phone cut off due to poor signal and no-one could see me. Haha. Of course. However, i still managed to gain loads of viewers and stats, so i thank you for joining in the banter. It really does mean a lot. It was actually so wonderful to ‘live’ chat with you all. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Everyone is STILL asking me about my love life on a daily and it seems like such a big thing to you all? Haha…I feel like the next person I date will be bombarded with Wunna troops stalking their ‘socials,’ with utter excitement. I already feel sorry for them.

I always tell you that i’m a confident woman, because I am. However, I don’t think i’m as confident when it comes to my love life anymore. I’ve seen and heard and experienced too much, to trust that it all ends wonderfully for me. Haha.

I’m not nuts. Don’t worry. I’ve learnt not be, after years of guys being NUTS with me. But there’s still a glint in my eye, filled with romance.

I never assume the worst because by nature i’m a positive soul. However, for example, if a guy liked me and told me how much he liked me privately, i’d just assume he’d be telling a few other chicks the same thing also, so i never take it so seriously until I see it and believe. It’s a feeling isn’t it.

I have a great gut instinct.

I’m also not a numbers game kinda gal. I’m too old for that, with too many responsibilities and things to accomplish. I’d rather wait it out and let my path cross with whoever it’s meant to, whenever it’s meant to and well..I assume the guy (who will be a gentleman….) I assume he’ll be confident enough to take the lead….

But for now, I’m all good and I hope you are too.

Something i learnt over the last 24hrs. Don’t be distracted by bullshit, or negativity, when you’ve got so many good things going on. Make sure you remain focused on the things that actually DO matter. Keep your focus and energy in the right place. Don’t meander with the bad vibes. Keep your eye on the prize.

Anyway, just a short one today…

My phone’s just blinked up with notifications and a really thoughtful guy named ‘Tim’ is asking me if i’d prefer Thai food or Turkish?

The best kind of notifications. This morning I was sure someone had called me ‘backwards.’ Lol

Thank you for coming with me on this journey. I mean we’re all doing life…This is just my version of it….

Life, Stress & Lovey Vibes

Happy weekend! You made it through. Hope you’re well? If you found yourself here, may I wish you the loveliest & most blessed few days.

I’ve just come off a ‘drama’ phone call…So I’m trying to find my little piece peace of ‘Zen,’ y’know instead of giving in, to a mist of absolute, utter RAGE! Lol.

It’s weird because my world is literally & usually filled with so much love. However, I’ve noticed that the more popular I become…(even if it’s only the TINIEST, little nudge up that rickety, old, success ladder, ) the MORE people decide to ‘drama’ on into it. I’m feisty. Yes. Yet only when I have to be. I don’t go about dishing out ‘feist.’ It takes it out of me because I don’t like to waste time on negativity or anger.

I mean, someone actually went out of their jolly, misguided way, to try and threaten Ruby & I this morning??? Eh?? Is everyone nuts? You can’t force yourself upon us? Plus, how do you expect us to let you into our world or our hearts, when you approach us with ya ‘crazy pants’ on!!! We don’t like it at all…We couldn’t be MORE open hearted or understanding. However, there is a line.

Don’t be nuts.

You also THEN shouldn’t see it as a challenge or a ‘curve ball,’ because the reaction you got wasn’t what you maybe expected. I mean, today, the drama was followed up with ridicule, jealousy, assumptions, disrespect & hate, after the mild rejection. What is wrong with people?

I looked at Ru….and she was calm, but stern. She tilted her eyes up at me. She does that when she wants me to sort it. So I did.

But it’s getting ridiculous. It’s almost like we’re now having to block everyone out of our world…and only let the sane ones through, just so we stay safe, happy & free from stress. Lol. Thankfully there’s loads of sane people and many great friends. In fact so many people that I’m grateful for.

However, when a ‘crazy’ comes in, it’s exhausting & stressful. My head fuzzes up. It’s a time waster. My worst thing. Especially when we’ve got so much stuff to do.

But i’ll tell you that, the ‘crazies’ appear in many different forms. My WORST ‘Crazies’ are usually the males that I’ve dated before. The better I do. The more uncomfortable they weirdly feel? I don’t even know why because this can happen after YEARS have passed. Anyway, their life hasn’t maybe panned out accordingly, so they then try to pop into Wunna land with full-force, no idea, all the gear DRAMA.

Go away!!! You are not welcome, until you are calm and happy! You’re ‘cancelled.’

I don’t get it? I would NEVER drama into someone’s world? Why bother? The attention you get is negative.

There’s been a lot going on in Wunna Land. Luckily, most of it positive, so I couldn’t be more grateful. As always there’s been auditions and general life dandies. I’m sure you’re sick of me saying that!

I start a film in August and I’ve also just joined the cast of ‘Series of Light.’ I’m so excited and completely delighted. I actually got written into the second series of it by request of the Director. This was after he was keen to have me in the first series, but I couldn’t do it because of clashing filming dates. I was heartbroken.

Luckily, fate shined it’s dusty, little, old light on me. I just feel so blessed to have joined the cast. It’s a really wonderful time.

I’ve also been tiktoking and Insta posting a lot, in between the good old ‘ hustle,’ the line learning and the work, simply to de-stress a little. It’s weird because my day job IS to perform. Yet, my sense of escapism, away from any personal or work stress, is also to perform? I don’t know whether it’s escapism or my way of distracting you?

It’s kinda been a busy couple weeks, as everything flies back to normal. I certainly feel like one of those GREAT, hardcore single mums. (I’m smashing it and loving it.) Ruby & Junior are the happiest kids, in all the ‘Summer holiday’ land. 🙂 Homeschool is done and the respect I have for teachers is now forever embedded in my soul. Haha

However, there’s hard bits, i’m juggling my work, the kids and….well… most of you know, that I have a bit of a stressful ‘thing,‘ a situation… going on behind the glittery doors of Wunna Land. So obviously, i’ve therefore been making sure the littlest Wunna, my baby boy Junior, is filled to the brim with love and support…as he’s currently going through…well….

I can’t tell you the story yet, can I? I can’t tell you anything about it. But one day i’ll be able to…and when I finally can, life will not only have awarded Ruby, Junior and I with complete happiness…Yet also the faith in life, love, peace, justice and closure. I couldn’t be more proud of the babies. I watch them and i can’t believe how strong, loving and decent they’ve turned out so far.

They’re my world.

I know i’ve been moaning, but on the whole things have been great today.?(The ice-cream van didn’t come though. So that bit of the day was shit. Fish and chips did show up, so life perked up threefold.)

But i wanna ‘paper scrunch‘ all that for now and over arm, throw it, into a trash can, for a second.

Let’s breathe because I ’m genuinely feeling good.

I hope you are toooo!

I’m reading all your comments, on my ‘socials’ throughout my day and they’ve made me beam. What great support! What absolute love! (Apart from the dude that’s just written ‘Am I the only person who doesn’t think she looks good lately?’) You’re a douche. 🙂 Everyone else though…You’re amazing! Haha.

I don’t know how i’ve ended up with such a life? But i’m really thankful for it. It’s almost as if a dream comes true, every minute. I count my blessings. I dont take any of it for granted. I don’t even have my fingers crossed anymore, because I know life’s got my back.

I’m smiling. 🙂 I’m happy.

The biggest thing you all seem to ask me about is my love life and mainly because no-one can understand how I can be so unlucky in love? Either that, or i’m being asked out? All very flattering.

To the ones that have followed by blog for 10 years…or even before that, when I wrote my diary on Myspace, for years. (It of course got deleted by a guy I was dating at the time. Yippee.. I hate that.)

In the past i’ve been really unlucky. Yes. But right now, i feel pretty lucky. I’m single. But i’m not making those stupid and dashingly foolish decisions anymore.

Do I have a crush on anyone right now? Yes. That feeling is always exciting.

But I’d never say who because of the utter fear it gives me. Haha.

I think these days I just automatically assume that a crush wouldn’t really care. Haha. I’m pathetic I know. So I never tell them. They have to do all the stressful leg work and make it all very clear, so I feel all very safe. Haha.

I’m confident. Yes. So I don’t mean that I don’t think they wouldn’t ‘FANCY’ me back…They’d fancy me. ( God. I am cringing at myself!!) What I assume is that they wouldn’t truly care or utterly value me really…in the long run? I don’t know why I think that? But it’s true. So I shy away until they’ve spelled it all out and I know that I no longer have to proceed with caution.

Annnd breatheeeee….

I mean love can’t be that hard surely? Two people, attracted to one another. They decide to fall in love. They do. They look after and care for one another. Done! Why am I finding it so difficult?

Everyone’s also asking me about age preferences? I’m old. I’m 39. I don’t cancel people out via their age…However Ofcourse, they couldn’t be ‘young, young, young.’ I’m too emotionally grown for ‘young, young, young.’

I also get asked about ‘distance’ and love. Long distance relationships never bother me. Infact I really enjoy them! More of an effort is made because of the distance. You get to know one another over time. A lot of true respect, and value is put into everything & you appreciate them, at the same time as feeling free. You never feel suffocated.

Plus, we’re not in the ‘higgle-piggle’ olden days. You can FaceTime anyone and if the chemistry is magical, it feels as though they’re right there with you.

Right, I need to go de-stress.

Love you lots,

Chrissie x

Getting things straight…

What a day!! Mental! So, Ruby was ill. Head to toe in an allergy rash, that just seemed to be continually eroding away at her baby flesh, right in front of my very eyes.. We had to rush to the Doctors and get her treated up. It broke my heart, because she’s never ill. She’ll always just say she’s ‘fine.’ She’s one of them. I even cried.

Then I had to take Junior into school LATE because I managed to get all of my days mixed up. The rash thing through me. It caught me off guard. I received an email asking where he was because they were all expecting him. I jumped up in a panic and got him there immediately.

All sorted. All done. Everyone was happy!

Then drama decided to swing it’s knickers into Wunna Land…and well, it’s been one of those days, that you just need to ‘cancel,’ START OVER, or laugh at…because surely it can’t get any worse?

It’s 7pm and it’s only just turned out alright. There was even a moment where I just hit ‘pause,’ closed my sober as hell eyes and hoped that when I opened them… life had swirled back to magical.

It didn’t switch back to magical. It was just ‘okay.’

I’ve learnt a lot in 2020. Even before this whole Corona Virus pandemic, took the reins.

Things are changing for the better in Wunna Land. This year, all those mistakes that I ‘learnt at the time,’ yet certainly remained MAKING once in a while, y’know, whenever i lost my grounding, footing, decided to trust the wrong people, felt lonely, felt pitiful Let’s just say whenever i was foolish.

This year GREAT things are happening to me. This year is the year i grew up, the mist rose, I grew some extra balls and understood everything clearly. In fact, great things are happening to Ruby & Junior also. We all feel really lucky. It’s a really positive time. In a way I wish you could all peek into Wunna land properly, as obviously, right now it’s had to be somewhat guarded…just for a little more privacy. We’ve had all sorts happen to us.

However, being the Queen of the shindig, I’m noticing that as ‘lockdown’ is slowly easing off and life steadily dances back to some kind of normality, a small push of pressure and a wee bit of stress is smoke whirling back onto our glorious grounds.

Yet, that’s how life goes, I need to take the changes by the balls.

Work wise! I’m finally getting a lot more ‘actory’ questions in on my Insta daily Q&A. I like all the questions. Yet when they turn ‘actory,’ you know business is brewing. Things are starting to roll…Things are beginning to move.

I know it looks like all i’ve done is Tiktok, all day long. Haha. (And again, thank you for all your support. I get so much love on there.) Yet, the real story is, I’m not that silly. I’m a really focused girl. I need to stop referring to myself as a ‘girl.’ I’m a WOMAN now.

I know what matters to me. I know what I want. I’ve prioritized well and behind the scenes, i’ve personally been working really hard. I’ve been on daily zoom meetings, one to one castings. I’ve been networking. I’ve acted and practiced techniques and performed scenes every single day. I’ve been putting monologues on tape. I’ve been in discussions with Rob, who’s probably one of the best agents i’ve met so far and he gets it because he too did his time in LA. His vibe, his manner, his contact list and negotiation skills are first class. I’m falling into lucky hands.

I’ve done a lot…but behind the scenes. It’s almost been like a Rocky Balboa training sesh. I’m just someone who believes that you have to be ready, when opportunity comes a knocking. That’s with anything. If you’re not ready and I am, you’re not gonna win. You’re gonna lose the opportunity. It will go to someones else and you’ll have no-one to blame but yourself.

That’s something that doesn’t sit well with me. I can’t stand it. Can you? That ‘shouldda/couldda‘ vibe.

So, I sat down and I reflected. Saw my weaknesses. Saw my strengths. I was really honest about how good or bad I was at things. I worked hard and changed things around, every single day, until I got it right. Not just with acting. With everything!

So, as always, i’m being the ‘hero’ of my own story and i’m encouraging you to be too.

The only reason why I write my story, is simply so it inspires. If someone skims it one day…and reads something that gives them a reality check, or makes them smile…Then the diary’s done it’s job.

I’ve stopped accepting requests for promo on the blog because it started to feel ‘plastic.’ I’m not ‘plastic.’ I simply want to write a diary. Jot down my memories. Tell my story! Everyone’s story is so important. This is mine.

You’ll have noticed that during lockdown i didn’t write at all. I couldn’t blog. I wanted to, but it just never happened. I couldn’t and because it didn’t feel like me anymore. I needed the vibe to change. I wanted it to change.

I didn’t want to tell you about the latest brand of toothpaste that will make your teeth the sparkliest. I’m not a little girl anymore. Like i’ve just said, i’m a woman and god I have a story to tell.

I’m an actress. I’m a mother. I’m single and so many things inbetween. There’s gonna be times when i’m happy. There’s certainly times when i’m sad. I wanna tell you that story. My real story. My truth. Without censorship, judgement…just none of the bullshit. Y’know, just how it used to be.

There are times when i’m up and times when i’m down, but that’s what makes us all human. That’s what we have in common. It’s our life link.

So, last week, through to yesterday, i’d been auditioning a lot. I’d been working on characters. I’d been learning my lines.

To be honest since the lockdown ease up, I’ve been auditioning a lot. I feel really grateful. The sun is definitely shining on my side of the street and if i’m being honest, i’m not sure how some actors haven’t at least been on ONE audition in all that time?

Everyone’s asking me the ‘but how’ question? All i can say is, it’s a mixture of my agent, the simple fact that I worked my arse off networking, when everyone was baking brownies, cuddling up to their boyfriends, or learning Spanish (do note…they’re all great things..yet not things that would’ve helped me after lockdown) and now…long story short… my August is fully booked with work! (And everyone’s asking how?)

No-one saw all that. They just watched me grind to a tiktok trend. (Which is actually the most fun ever! 🙂 Some liked it. Some didn’t. Most did though. So it’s always a pleasure. 🙂

My Mum: ‘Well it’s good yeah. But i expect you to dance around for 15 seconds and have a million men like it, watch it and love it. They always do. Next week, when you tell me you’ve booked that feature film…you’ll see me extremely excited & proud.’

My mum’s ace!! I love her.

But going back…I’m really inspired by those who are successful. I learn from them. I don’t copy them. I listen to them because you need your own niche. If you duplicate someone, you’re just a shitter version of them. Lol.

Anyway, during this time in my life…i’m noticing how close and powered on I am, by my LA friends. It’s like we’re made of the same stuff and mainly because we understand each other’s stories. We were there, trying to muscle it out, in the toughest town for ‘muscling,’ both emotionally AND in the enteratinment industry.

I love them because they don’t sugar coat things. They tell it how it is. They’re positive, yet speak the truth. They’re not scared to.

I’ve had a week of really big auditions and if I get one of them…it’s a dream come true. Next week is my week of ‘finding out.’ Plus, I have two other auditions during that week.

I know that dreams come true. I’ve watched them come true in others and had them materialize in my own world. So i’m cool with that. I believe in that. I try to make Ruby & Junior’s dreams, no matter how big or small come true… when called upon, so they believe in dreams materializing too.

Anyway, the day before I read…I had a really successful actor/produced/director… turn around and remind me (…when I was participating in my own pity party) that was ‘LUCK’ was overrated.

‘…learn the dang lines and have fun,’ is how the convo ended.

It’s true. I wish upon stars, but let#s keep it real at the same time.

You’ve got to work so hard, that they can’t say ‘no.’ Be so prepared for anything, that you know you’ve can handle shit as soon as you walk through the door. Be real. Be kind. Have fun. SUCCEED on purpose.

Then i stopped worrying. I read the DM and smirked. It almost ignited that young me. That fire. I always have that fire, yet it needed to blaze.

I read it out to Ruby and she smirked back at me, like she got it.

(Sorry, one second. Junior’s had a full roast chicken. A giant one to himself, in his pants for tea. He now wants blackcurrant jelly. 🙂 )

I’m back…

So, after my pep talk, I taped my audition the following day….and i’ll always tell you when I think i’ve done shit. Nothing’s worse by the way. But IT FELT GOOD. It felt really good because I knew i’d done all that I could. No excuses.

As humans, when you know that you’ve done all that you could, you’re at peace with yourself, right? You have no regrets. You hold your head up high because no matter what, it’s now out of your hands. It’s stress free. There was not a single other thing you could’ve brought to the mix or the situation. There’s a power that comes with that feeling.

So, if you have a dream come true and I read this on @wordporn on Insta this morning…it doesn’t matter how old or young you are? How mended or broken you feel…?You can make changes and start over at any point. It’s your life. People can say what they want. They’re not in charge of your life.

All you need is the right mindset. The right love in your soul. The correct support and fucking hell, I’ve even learnt that you can do it without a wine.

😉

ps/

Ruby’s just walked in…

‘Mum. If i say I love you right now…after a fight…will you always remember that I do and say it to me.’

‘Of course, I will baby. You look beautiful.’

‘I love you, Mama. Is there any toffee left?’

And that my darlings, is Thursday.

Sunday Chills, Judgements & Love letters…

Hello everyone! I’ve had a good day and I hope you have to. Whether you’ve woken up after a dinner nap in the UK, or if you’ve just peeked through your morning blinds in Australia, Africa or LA…WELCOME!

Pull up a ‘pew,’ get comfy and enjoy.

Okay, so firstly, I want to tell you that, last night, I hit my first 2 MILLION VIEW milestone on Tiktok. I can’t even believe it! But again I couldn’t thank you all enough for watching, commenting and just making me smile, on a daily. It means so much to me, to be able to perform for you and have you enjoy it. Especially since ‘lockdown’ had me closed up indoors. Therefore i’m certainly grateful and well…hopefully well keep this foxtrot a float.

(One second…I’m dying for chocolate and i can’t find chocolate in the house ANYWHERE!?! WHAT KIND OF RESIDENCE IS THIS? I’ve created a disturbingly weird ‘healthy hell.’ All i need is a chunk of choccie…)

Okay, i’m back! I found a ‘Cookies & Cream’ Kit Kat.

So, yesterday I filmed and put my ‘wipe it down’ video online and it was received really well because I ended up in a corset.

Some people were shocked (because they strangely thought I was ‘sooo sweet & innocent.) Some were not (because they either know me personally or have followed Wunna land throughout the years and they’re aware of my somewhat ‘colourful’ past.) Most were excited and I was really pleased because all the comments were positively, wonderful.

What I will say though (to the ones that were a little shocked by it) is that people AREN’T just ONE thing. I’m certainly not. I’m a bit of everything and that’s what makes me interesting.It’s what makes everyone interesting. You shouldn’t automatically ‘label’ people and it’s weird how it still happens all of the time. Surely we’re all grown now? We need to be able to see the bigger picture…always.I don’t how people can’t seem to do that? I’ve been able to do it since I was 7.

In case you didn’t know, I get labelled all of the time and I’m aware i’m in a career, y’know an industry where ‘labelling’ does occur. I get that, because we’re playing particular roles. I try not to get pigeon holed, when it comes to acting…and i’ve made sure i’ve experienced and played out as many different roles as possible.

However, away from work and when it comes to my personal life, be it socially or in love… I do feel like i get quite PRE-judged, by those who haven’t met me in person, or those who are about to have me strut into their world.

Even when i expect it, it’s still really awkward. Imagine having a whole room of people, gossip about you and then as you strut in, they smile sweetly, say nothing but lovely things and assume you can’t read their eyes, or you haven’t heard anything through the grapevine.

This can also go the other way, where people expect me to be all fun, glitzy and glammy, only to find that i’m just chilled, normal or in a kimono.

But i’m rambling…What i’m trying to say is try not to prejudge ANYONE. Wait until you have the opportunity to get to know them over time.

People aren’t just one thing.

I’m loud, but i’m quiet. I’m sweet, but i’m sexy. I can be selfish. However i can also be the most generous person alive. I’m wild and exotic. Yet i’m British and sensible. Just lots of things.

I mean, just because a girl is stood in a corset…It doesn’t make her ammunition to be gummy labelled with a derogatory ‘slap.’

Men: ‘She must be a slut.’

Woman: ‘She’s such a tramp. How disgusting that she’d show herself off like that.’

Others: ‘She’s just another *plastic.*’

Potential Date: ‘I can’t ask her out now. She’s a diva. She’ll just say no.’

Folk: ‘She’s just too intimidating.’

Insta Stalkers: ‘Girls like that aren’t looking for anything serious.’

I don’t know why i’m even going on about this, because everyone was so lovely about my ‘wipe it down’ video…Haha.

Yet it wasn’t always that way, was it? So i guess it gives me ‘flash backs.’ Plus, online i see people hating on others ALL OF THE TIME and it winds me up. They make THEMSELVES look so narrow minded and they don’t even see it?

Luckily, these days it seems like I can’t do anything wrong and i’m really grateful for that because i’ve powered through the difficult times.

I guess when you’re older and you’ve done things, y’know lived a bit of a life..I guess there’s this weird kinda respect that people, all of a sudden, ‘have for you.

I’m not gonna lie…

I’m love it.

But enough of that. Let’s move it along. Everyone’s asking me if i have a crush? The ‘i’m single’ thing has now embedded into everyones system…and we’ve now moved onto the…

‘but who does she fancy?’

If i did have a crush…I’d never ever say who? They would never even know themselves? (I’m good like that. Haha.) In fact, the only person i would ever discuss it with, would probably be Ruby my daughter. Lol.

We were actually chatting about it earlier. We laughed about the times when she was younger and if she hated the guy I was dating, she would put small sharp, toys like ‘Sylvanian Families’ in his shoes to annoy him. When he dashed to put them on, he’d scream in pain…but then have to act like she was all cute and nice, to make a good impression. Haha. Plus, i’d have a go at them if they were mean to either Wunna Baby.

Anyway, our chatter about my love life got cut short because she ended up getting an allergic reaction to deodorant and her entire body was covered in the most hidieously, rashy, red, lumpy blisters.

This is what my love life does to people. It gives them allergies.

Maybe i’m better off alone?

But I always think life’ll just hand me over Mr.Right, at the exact right time. All i have to do, is concentrate on work…Get on with living my life and as the fairytale goes…he’ll gallop on in, on his horse and shit, telling me how much he adores me. Right?

It doesn’t matter to me where they are in life right now? What country their in? What they do for a living? I thin we’ve ALL learnt this year that ANYTHING can happen, to anyone, at any point.

2020 has served.

When the time is right and as i’m toddling along…all the elements will shimmie into place and ‘BOOM’ he’ll show up.

Erm..whatelse? Oh yeah..people are also asking me what my favourite gift ever is. I like ‘bouji’ things, but i’m quite a simple girl. I love an experience, over ‘stuff.’

My first husband Mike…the actor, (before he started doing really well, booking everything & making loads of money,) well he once snapped a twig, off a tree at 3am , one morning, outside a bakery, in New York. Night was turning to morning. I still have that twig.

I also remember, Boyband Jonny…over a decade ago. We were dating for a bit and I had stayed the night at his Camden flat. In the morning, I got into a nearby black cab.

Me: ‘Kings Cross Station, Please.’

I wound the window down a little, as he was waving something at me?

He handed me a note, that had been folded into quarters and then waved me off.

As the cabbie drove me to the station, I unfolded the note and it read:

Dear Chrissie, I know that I might not show it all the time, but when i’m with you my heart lights up with joy. I love you. Jonny.’

He’s gay and happy now… 🙂

July 4th, LA Memories & Thirst Traps..

Hi. How are you all? Hope you’re well. It’s July 4th. If you’re American, Happy Independence Day. I miss all my US friends, who i made so many amazing memories with, so badly. But I have them in my head and heart. Plus, i’ve seen you all, whenever you’ve flown through to England.

A zillion years ago, I arrived into LAX on July 4th and started my Hollywood journey, with nothing but a suitcase in my hand and that little bit of Yorkshire hope. After serving my decade in Los Angeles, i’m now back in the UK. I’m happy. But i loved my time there and who knows, one day I might ‘blink’ and find myself walking up 3rd and Kings once more.

I did so much in that time. Carved a career. Made some lifetime friends. Worked hard. Played harder. Made those dreams come true. I mean, I went from Stage school on a Saturday morning in Yorkshire, to all of a sudden walking into Warner Bros, Paramount and everywhere else, with my sides in my hand and a hope that i’d get the job. It was so much fun. I had a hard time. But the best time. I feel really lucky. Fair enough i made a lot of mistakes. I even managed to get divorced a couple times. I laughed a lot. I cried a lot. I told my story. But i did it. I lived my Hollywood dream and as long as you’re doing the things that make your heart smile, then you can never ever go wrong.

That town turned this little Asian/Yorkshire girl into a real woman.

So, Happy July 4th to all my dearest friends.

Also, to my UK people in ‘da house,’ If you have a business that re-opened for the first time today, I hope it went or IS going WELL! I send you all my love. I mean ‘lockdown’ effected everyone and certainly still is. We’re actually remaining safe here in Wunna land. However, i’m sure the babies and I will find ourselves tinkering to our favourite restaurants again soon.

Ruby and Junior (The Wunna Babies) have found a whole new kind of peace, y’know a solace at home, just chilling…and in a way, i’m really happy about it because like i said, we were close anyway, but now we couldn’t be tighter. It’s lovely.

Other than that….I’m Tiktoking…and I’ve kinda stuck to it because I love it. My followings growing slowly but surely. I’m almost at 2 million views. But that aside…(I mean i’m an oldie…i don’t need a giant follow count…) I’m genuinely adoring getting up there, out there, hitting the red record button and just performing. Everyone’s been so lovely to me on there and I couldn’t be more grateful. So thank you if you’re watching and thank you to the ‘sponsors’ who are knocking on the doors of Wunna Land to help promo their goods. I sincerly appreciate it.

I will say that i spent last night, eating an entire tub of ‘Chocolate Cherry Garcia’ ice-cream, by Ben & Jerry’s, whilst laid on my bed, in my little silky, soft kimono, watching ‘stud’ lesbians on my FYP. Haha.

I’m not kidding. I’m mesmerized by them. They’re amazing. I couldn’t fancy them more! Haha. I might just decide to be a lesbian during lockdown, because i swear, some of them are giving dudes a proper run for their money!

Lots of chicks have like a male celeb crush. When we’re chatting, we’ll all decide we fancy, I dunno…’David Beckham’ or ‘Chris Hemsworth?’ The usual ‘go to’s.’ But then, someone says…

‘Who’s ya girl crush?’

Then chicks’ll name girls like ‘Michelle Keegan’ or….’Michelle Keegan.’ (Haha..) But MINE and if you know me personally, you will know that my girl crush HAS ALWAYS been Ellen Degeneres. No joke. No word of a lie!

Now, after ice-cream and tiktoks, i’ve added Ria Demiri to the rosta. Ria is taking over Tiktok and making every single straight woman question their sexuality. Haha. I love it.

So there you have it, i’m single. All my ‘milkshake’ has certainly brought all the boys to my yard, kinda in a glitzy ‘dumper truck,’ which empties out on my cyber lawn daily. I’m a thousand percent grateful. I know there’s a soul mate in there somewhere. However, I might decide to just fancy chicks, if Mr. Right doesn’t show up with a badge on. I’m getting ‘thirst trapped’ on Tiktok by the lesbians and it ain’t so bad. Haha.

Away from that, back in the straight world. I keep going on about how i’m single, yet like i said, it’s not a bad thing. I like it. I’m happy. Yeah, i’m getting a lot of attention, but all girls do, i think?

However, quantity doesn’t mean quality. It doesn’t mean that i’m valued, does it? It just means that I’m just fancied and at 39, you know that.

What i’m looking for IS TO BE VALUED.

It’s not what guys says, it’s what they do and it’s certainly not a ‘numbers game’ to me. I’m not a child. It’s not a game at all. When choosing a partner, i’ll choose right this time…and i’ll do it steadily.

I’ve noticed though, that i’m not one to make the first move. i’m a confident girl, yet i never ever EVER slide into anyone’s dms or smooth on in.

I don’t know whether it’s because i’m old fashioned and i’m allowed to be because i’m 40 in December. There’s nothing like being a gentleman to win my heart. The amount of adult men trying to be fuck boys is not only laughable, but also odd to me? I see them as lost. Or not lost, just not on the same page as me, when it comes to the book of love. I’m not judging. I’ve been there. I mean my guy friend (Dylan) in LA, once said, during spagetti eating..

‘You’re on Page 2 Chrissie, when i’m on page 98.’

🙂

Anyway, I don’t know whether, i refrain from making the first move because I fear rejection, i have too much choice, i’m just not too bothered or i’ve just seen and heard a lot, that i want them to strut on in, like some kind of hero, filled with confidence and show me that they’re serious? I dunno?

Plus, i have a distorted view on marriage and stuff like that, because well…I’ve been there and got the divorce -tshirt, three times over. I’m doing well now…and the last thing i want is heartache and drama when The Wunna Babies are now so happy at home.

ALSO, i’m kind of feeling weird about the amount of ‘happily married men,’ so happy that they’re literally posting joyous, ‘i love my wife’ pictures on their Instagram pages…but then sending me a DM of their penis, 3 minutes afterward. Or asking me out, to meet up?

That’s not how i see or imagined marital bliss and I’m also ‘ain’t nobodies mistress.’ I’m not foolish enough to fall for it….at my age.

However, again I don’t judge them because i’ve definitely been in marriages before, where happiness hasn’t necessarily flown it’s flag. I didn’t know what to do. I felt suffocated.

Plus, I don’t actually lose any respect for them, for going on a DM slide. I get it.

But what makes me question their soul, or their manner is the simple fact that they’re humans, who are obviously not happy. But obviously aren’t brave enough to make a change, or go it alone.

That’s the part I don’t like. I don’t entertain it. I don’t like a scaredy cat. I also don’t think that disrespecting the person you claim to love is ever beautiful. If you don’t like something…change it. If you can’t, then get on with what you got and do it happily, without moaning or breaking their heart everyday, without them realizing.

Right?

I always say, in my life, i’ve NEVER made the best our of a bad bargain for long, because i know I only have one life to live.

I’m about to turn 40 in five months. It’s a bit of a shock to some, yet to me, not at all. It’s an absolute comfort. I don’t feel 25. I feel 39 and GOD it feels SO GOOD.

I’ve finally woken up and realised i’m a woman, a full ass, grown up woman, with values and confidence. I’m filled to the absolute brim with love and i’m excited to see where my next chapter takes me.

I believe we live in chapters.

I’ve been toddling along in lockdown with the rest of the world and i’ve kinda been concentrating on my career…which means so much to me.

Yeah, all the sets have been closed, but they’re now slowly re-opening, so i’m delighted. Of course it’s moving at a much slower pace. However, i’ve been auditioning, almost every few days. Rob…(who is the best agent in all the land… I’m repped by the ‘Imperial Artists Agency,’ in London, well he’s been checking in on me, to get me the best deals in town (haha) to baby step up to the next level.

I’m really grateful.

So work wise, my August is almost nearly fully booked up with work. If I book the feature, that i’ve now done all my callbacks for…..then my August looks pretty snazzy!

I’m really exciting.

Could 2020, still be my year?