Month: October 2016

Leeds, Boys & Halloween

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ChrissieWunnaKitten

I am headed to the brand spanky new Victoria Leeds today! I’m so excited to have a cheeky gander and pick up some glammy bits of luxury whilst spying! I shopped all day yesterday in Doncaster and then finished off the day with a giant Halloween party in Wunna land…note…for children. *Rolls eyes.* Yes, it was a nightmare. 🙂 But yes, the ‘what matters’…they enjoyed it. As a parent, you’re always taking one for the team.

GOD, some dodgy Gypsy woman kept finding me yesterday in Doncaster and stopping me to…well let me relive the convesation…

Gypsy: ‘I see good luck and extreme good fortune in your future.’

Me: ‘Ah cheers. Thank you’ (Tried to walk off Haha.)

Gypsy: ‘ You’ll have another baby..’

Me: ‘(Cut her off straight away) I BLOODY WON’T. I’ve got my hands full.

Gypsy: ‘No, but you’re going to be with a very lovely man, he’s in your life in the future i can see it.. Please buy a lucky heather so your world will be charmed.

Me: ‘A lucky heather isn’t gonna help me doll. You me to proof read your sales pitch. ( I *winked* and she actually WINKED BACK. Lol. Don’t buy lucky heathers, EVIL TRICKERY. Hahaha.)

Lots going on. I was shattered last night after swanning around in my off orange thigh high heeled boots from ‘Just Fab.’ Great boots. They’re fabulous, But shit did my legs KILL after trekking around all the shops. After the blooming Halloween party and passed out cold, in heeled, ‘thigh highed’ boot ache. Shopping in heels is good cardio. I’ve got black high boots to deal with today around Leeds, so LET THE LORD BE WITH ME.  (But thank god i’m off for a Bubble tea and the Bubble tea bar. Always makes me smile.)

I’ve been kinda reminiscent today and thinking about all the boys i’m dated. Not lovingly, but in good humour.  There’s been some corkers. I mean GOD, Tommy Reynolds from New Jersey. When i was young, he met me at a book store and said, ‘what is it going to take to get you out out of this bookstore and on a date with me.’

I had a random $40 self help book in my hand, that i had just picked up for kicks, (which is always very unfortunate when a boy is trying to fricking hit on you.) Anyway he didn’t let me think, saw my ‘no’ as a simple curve ball, grabbed the book out of my hand, paid for it, put it in a plastic bag and then threw it at me with a ‘lets go.’

AS IF! I know..and that’s how LA boys do it. (He’s from New Jersey but living in LA at this time.) Actually ended up spending the rest of the day with him and going on a date. He must have wined me and dined me something rotten. Spoilt me to lavish dinners and cocktails, new places and adventures every night …and all on him.

Anyway we ended up being together…because we had this really great friendship and i swear he had a willy extension?  Honestly! It was odd looking, like elves had built it. Haha. He stayed at mine a lot, I ended up going to his a couple times…and HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A BED. Just an AIR MATTRESS. Haha.

He was a body guard and worked for the likes of TOM CRUISE, and there as gun on his kitchen side just chilling…but no bed.

Even longer story short…ended up having a secret child that he never ever told me about. (I obviously don’t mind that, but find it odd when boys forget to mention it, as surely the boy would be his life?) AND ENDED UP HAVING A ACTUAL WIFE, that he had ONLY JUST BROKEN UP WITH…so technically….they were still ‘going.’ But arguing. So after i had changed my world, flown to New York and moved to be with him, all this came out, his mum kicked me out of her home for saying the word ‘masturbate’ (hahaha) and then i broke up with him and flew back to LA.

He messaged me yesterday stating that I ‘was the one that got away.’ Hahahaha. Silly sod.

He was actually good fun and he was funny to be with. I mean people go through ‘times’ don’t they and i get that as i’m certainly a human who has been through ‘times.’ I didn’t reply but i remembered. I’ve dated some corkers.

I mean there’s been some odd ones, like Ben…odd choice? Not a boy grown enough to handle Wunna as his bird. Got a bit big headed in the the end, yet knew that he didn’t have much to offer…someone like me.

BUT I WILL SAY, that the boys i’ve met this year alone…HAVE BEEN AMAZING. To be fair there’s only really been two that i’ve met and one that was rude to me.. but recently tried to smarmy back in, (I don’t think so. 🙂 ) ‘Eton Mess’ & London Business man are cool because they are  beings that at the same time has being men, and funny,  they make decent buddies.

Right, i’ve got to get ready. I’m off into Leeds with Abeiku Arthur who is the owner of House of Solo magazine. The idea is that i don’t let good times get the better of me and simply enjoy showing up at the joints…gracefully. 🙂

Happy Sunday.

I’ll be at Victoria Leeds and Bubble tea today. xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

Global Chinese Whispers & YOU

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I asked for excitement and I got it. Boy it I get it! I got a whole ‘diddly doo’ dollop of it this week. I’ve pretty much been at work and kinda almost non stop. I feel like i’ve been at nothing but work and i adore work, I do, as I think it keeps us alive…yet this week was long, even my burst of Chrissie ‘Blue Tick’ Wunna excitement, sent me on a bit of a merry shock of a swirl, as behind the scenes (because i haven’t really out loud spoken about it..) in a week,  everything in my life changed.

Now, i know i’ve worked hard for everything, with a glittery wiggle and a whip of sauced up charm. I’m not a lazy human by nature. My energy levels can almost be annoying at times. (I’ve just made myself sound like a weirdo, honestly, during weekends…i’m normal.) What i like to say is that I’m ‘ALIVE’ and when you’re around me, you feel it. Yes, It gets annoying.I mean, at the beginning of this year (feels like yonks ago now) I remember being sat on the end of a gentleman’s bed, as he yawned, looked knackered and uttered the words, ‘Are you always this spritely?’ Hahaha. Even ‘Eton Mess’ said that i pretty much ‘talk his ear off.’ I even called his phone from my kitchen last month, knowing that he wouldn’t pick up, simply to leave a comedic message on his voicemail, that ended in an evil laugh. I just can’t shut up. YET, IN THE END, it will SERVE ME WELL. 😉

Basically, this week i went from being at home eating a KFC, sat in my bra, on my own with Ruby throwing diva strops and Junior trumping in my bed sheets..to  waking up the next morning, living life as per usual, (which is glamourously, don’t get it twisted 🙂 ) with my new ‘blue tick’ on show and by noon, having all these big brands, all these little brands, all these bars, venues, businesses, events and people, all wanting to work alongside me and sign me up to simply..well… ‘show up.’ A day went by and then Kerry Katona and David Walliams (alongside others) sent me Twitter love and talent agencies and tv shows began scheduling in to meet with me and leaving my celly voicemails. (Notice how the fun, drunk, funny or misfitty celebs follow this blog. 🙂 ) 

Anyway, I went about my normal week…normally..not saying anything, knowing that all of this was going on…and replying to the emails, still in basic kitty shock. I’ve been having a laugh about it all really with friends and drinking a lot of ginny cocktails with my spikey red nails. I did have a moment of being an ego maniac, and then i fully got over myself and went on a diet. 🙂

Like i said, i’ve worked really hard for everything and it’s been slow..Yet when something *pops*…and it *pops* well…then like lightening it *ZOOMS* madly. It’s kinda like someone’s caught me, shoved me in a pink glitter cannon, (good luck trying to shove me in anything in real life :), ) lit fire to it’s arse and with a giant *BURST* i’ve shot out…boobs, wit and everything, immersed in a giant cocktail coloured smoke of cyber land followers. Lol.

My blog has been like this cheeky little game of global Chinese Whispers…where someone who has crossed paths with me, has heard about it,or appeared in the blog,  read it and passed it on to a friend…kinda like the lergy…a yawn, or…. herpes? You don’t even have to read it all the time, as whenever you choose to pop in, it’s still here…whittering away like a sassy online cyber cocktail bar, that you go to when bored.

It’s certainly killed my love life off though. I mean gosh yes i’m focused, yet i still have time for lurve. My inbox is dead, as now all boys are definitely terrified…OR just don’t fancy me. (A concept that i just do not understand. 😉 ) 

Anyway, i’m off, i have a busy weekend. I’ve been decorating the house for Halloween with the babies, simply because i promised them a bit of a party party, after a shopping day tomorrow. (I’ve needed this chilled out family time, to balance me out after my mad week. The kids, although insane, mean everything to me. I love’em and because….there’s sort of just us, doing life together.)

I’ll be at the Frenchgate Centre in Doncaster , most of Saturday, doing my do. They love it when i show up there with the babies. I don’t know why? Maybe because it’s where i started life? 

Doncaster is my place of birth!

Hurrah! Team Donny! (And no we’re not all slags.)

…and then Sunday i’ll be headed to Leeds, to go check out the brand, spanking new, delicious looking Victoria Leeds AND pop into Bubble Tea.

I’ve been messaged a lot over the last couple months by you, yes you, asking how YOU can appear on the blog…and the answer to that is to….simply cross paths with me.

The blog is based upon my real life, none of it is fabricated…everyone and every story is real. So if you totter across my path even for a second and make some kind of impact…then the next day i’ll be sat here writing about you…but after rum, so be warned. 🙂 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chrissie ‘Blue Tick’ Wunna

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Woke up this morning, half naked, no face on, in my leopard print bed sheets, iphone in my hand, boobs sturdy but peeky, scrolling through Facebook and Twitter at around six o clock in the morning…no contact lenses in, negotiating the warmth of my kitten duvet, with the crisp cold of the ‘get ready for work’ routine…and BOOM…Today on Oct 26th 2016 (Wednesday…i think it’s been Wednesday?) I FUCKING WOKE UP TO MY VERIFIED ‘BLUE TICK’ ON TWITTER! YEeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssEeeeeSSS!

As if! I mean GOD, it makes me so happy and i don’t even mean it from a superficial point of view. DON’T GET ME WRONG, MY EGO HAS BEEN MASSIVE TODAY, I have MADE innocent people refer to me as Chrissie ‘Blue tick’ Wunna and i don’t even care because now it’s official, I am ace and some kind of majestic blogger. Lol.

Anyway back to being humble…

Now, the reason why it means so much to me is because i feel as though i’ve worked really hard for it. I’ve worked REALLY hard for it. And if you haven’t tinkered in entertainment, you won’t get how important it is or how good it feels to get your ‘blue tick.’ Firstly, it’s almost a bit of applause,  like recognition for your work. Secondly, it’s a ‘glitter stamp’ of ‘you made it to the next level,’ which kinda suggests your popular because of your work or who you are or have become…and THIRDLY, in the creative world of showbiz…POPULARITY means MONEY! *Wink here.*

Now, i’m a driven girl, i’m ambitious, but i’m fun with it, laid back, an absolute laugh, yet motivated. I’m a good balance of not taking MYSELF seriously, but being passionate about the things i love to do…That part I take seriously… but in the sense of I want to be up there and be the best at what I do, in a glamorous yet credible fashion, and because i’ve put so much energy into it. I’m extremely creative, yet i have a savvy business mind.

When i was young, i had been waiting and trying to be ‘verified’ for ages…months, years…and i’d happily given up on it, because ‘hey ho’ i enjoyed what i was doing anyway…and who needs a ‘blue tick.’

Two weeks ago I met with Abeiku the owner of House of Solo Magazine and he reminded me of a Twitter verification and from that point on I *paused* got my head set ready…and promised myself that in a month…I would wake up to my ‘blue tick’ and be verified.

Two weeks…and i did it. And fuck knows how i did it. But i did it, because i was so determined to do well and worked really hard towards a goal. I love goals.

It was amazing this morning to see my ‘blue tick’ and it was only really absorbed this evening when i as getting changed into my comfies infront of my bedroom mirror at home and i stopped, smiled and burst into some kind of excited HAPPY DANCE. And when i did my happy dance, i did it with every inch of my soul and because i literally and this is honest felt SO GRATEFUL. It made me feel really grateful, that people had been reading my blog or had been watching this or that…Yesterday I asked for excitement…just a burst…TODAY I got it. 🙂

I don’t know why it means a lot to me, but it does. Good work? Now popular? Attention whore? Chance to make dosh? Chance to make a name for myself? Gratification? Praise for my hard work? Just cos i won my own challenge? Who knows?

I’ll tell you who knows…ANY HUMAN THAT WORKED ME WITH TODAY! I’m a sasserilla, i love a bit of banter, a dash of with and a sprinkle of cut throat sarcasm. EVERYONE KNEW that i had my ‘blue tick.’ No grace or humility was displayed AT ALL, i definitely thought that i was the DOGS BEST SET OF BOLOCKS all day, I made everyone mentally bow to my existence and massage my giantly massive ‘still growing’ EGO. Haha.

I had to make sure that my dear friends, now  knew that i was a superstar 🙂 and were in a position where in which they may have to now worship me daily. I mean SHIT, my chick friend ‘Firmonnell’ even dressed up for the occasion, in her tiny, legs out.. dress.

Creepy ‘Firmonnell’ is one to keep me grounded, one to never blow smoke up my Oriental arse or to brown nose ‘The Wunna’ (she’s obsessed with me really 😉 ) …YET TODAY…probably about an hour after i greeted her with a ‘why the hell are you here’ as she swung through a doorway….she had a moment, where she swung back on her orange chair…looked at me with cheeky eyes of acknowledgment (we’d been making fun of my new ‘blue tick’ celebrity status all morning) and said,

‘Yeah, (nodded like i was a champion) i’ll admit…it’s pretty impressive. 🙂 ‘ 

YES IT FUCKING IS! HAHAHAHAHAHA

I’m a champion! I’m great! I have the best blog! I’m Chrissie ‘blue tick’ Wunna…and i’m enjoying my MASSIVE EGO! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Best surprise day ever! My life rocks…and it’s only just beginning. As it seems when you have your ‘blue tick’ people want to work with you IMMEDIATELY. I’ve had three GOOD agencies asked to meet with me today, 2 BIG brands who want to chat to me…and all this celeb love and recognition.

It’s felt great..and like i said it’s only just the beginning. 🙂 I’ve basically proved that with a whole lot of heart, good work, the right moves, determination, a whole bunch of life, a whole guzzle of cocktails, good times, with great people…and passion…followed by a write up, can make YOU wake up one morning, with your very OWN ‘blue tick.’

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Give me Excitement

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Busy! However, it’s weird. There is lots going on, yet with waves of really dull, mixed in with beams of laughter and I guess right now i’m hunting for excitement. I just want something REALLY exciting to happen. I want to feel exhilarated and impressed. I want an uncontrollably lucky *magic* to swirl around Wunna land, with a *whizz.* I’m looking for it people…even under glitter rocks for it.Yet, no one or nothing is under there…just litter, yesteryears news, maybe Osama Bin Laden, Donald Trump’s hair pieces, Houdini  and the ghost of Elvis. All done. All dull. I want a burst of excitement and i’m only asking for a *burst.* I don’t need a flood of it as ‘m sure that gets stressful. Plus, i’m a decent human with the is tender old soul, that is hidden behind winks (to those who aren’t clever enough to see) and well i do enjoy PEACE, calm and chills. Excitement is simply for *bursts.* It goes in the same box as that cheeky bit of choccie you have when you’re on a diet, seeing the mistress, or winning the lottery, or having that being you fancy tell you that they heart you.

Right, i’ just gonna skim it…Strap in..hold on, grab your pants, guzzle a rum and get ready…

I have been told that ‘Good houses don’t stay on the market long’ and that i should compare that to my love life. 🙂 (Swines.) I apparently look so young that it’s like i’ve just taken my GCSE’s (if you’re blind. I thought i looked fresh off the doctors table. 🙂 )A guy friends asked me to quit referring to him like he was a pet cat. (I named my cat ‘Gucci’ so obviously I must hold cats in my highest regard. My mum named hers ‘Lucky,’ had me look after it for a week and it passed away. Unlucky for some.)

I’ve been told that boys panic at the thought that i might be a real human who they can actually meet. They apparently much prefer the fantasy of me, as it’s good for their ego, yet handling the real me is terrifying for them and makes them feel insecure? (My two guy friends told me that today whilst eating chicken, during banter. We watched over a town through a high glass windowed office as i uttered the sweet words,  ‘I’m like a boy TRAPPED in a hot Oriental girls body!’

Today I learnt that fresh cut flowers through your letter box from Bloom & wild are the most divine and classy surprise that any human can gift any other being. They are so beautiful that the make me smile internally. I also learnt that my chick friend, who wants to buy a plastic hot pink dress, lost her actual virginity at 13, but it didn’t matter because she wasn’t the biggest ‘hoe. ‘ She wasn’t the first one in her year, she was the second. ‘I wasn’t first, so i wasn’t the worst! Lol. (I lost mine at 18.) Going on…Predictive text is ace, i had one of my girlfriends, message another one of my chick friends about parking spots…and instead the message ended up reading ‘kiss, kiss, from my dick.’ HAHAHA. ‘I thought it was weird when the reply i got was ‘I love your dick too?’ Remind me off a time when i once tried to message a guy that I was dating a naughty text….I sent it to my mum by accident. What a delight.

I actually have lots to tell you but i can’t fit it in! Plus, lots of opportunities are a knocking,MADLY. It’s fun. I’m lucky and i’m feeling really positive and smiley about it all. I also have a shoot and interview with House of Solo mag coming up. So excited for that. I’m good at being posey, it used to be my job, but it’s the interview parts that i like the best, as i get to kick back have a drink and chat shit, with charm and good humour.

The next blog will be better, as i’m kinda in a rush,  I have to cook dinner and drink gin. (Forgot to tell you that my diet is going really well. I’ve had porridge instead of bacon sarnies two days in a row. 🙂 GIVE ME MEDALS. To be fair i’m not one who struggles with my weight, nor my mental stability…Lol…just…well  i don’t struggle at anything really? Anything i can’t do, i just label off with a ‘it wasn’t meant for me.’Blame it on fate.

I’d really like to have some fun this Christmas. It’s awesome being a Mum during this time, i’d enjoy every moment of it with Ruby and Junior and i’ll have loads of fun with friends, making memories and guzzling wine at Christmas markets under fairy lights. Yet it’s also be nice to go out on Chistmassy drinks with a potential ‘adore me’ guy, who has a glint in his soul because he sees the world through the same eyes. Where are you? Sign yourself up! It’d feel special. Especially because i have a Christmas Birthday.

Okay godda go!

Chat tomorrow.

Stay positive, be happy, enjoy the people who have or are crossing your path…but most of all have some goddamn fun! Grab your faux fur, swing over a Christmas fish bowl mai tai and with your fingers crossed, hope for blessings under fairy lit star night skies.

 

 

 

A Scarefest Feel Up?

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cstv15

Now, I hate anything scary. I’m shit at being brave when it comes to ghosts and ghoulies and i’m measurably ‘alright’ at pretending i’m brave, yet i always look uncomfortable like i might have trapped wind during the process. It’s really sexy. Honest. And i don’t waa hear guys do the ‘I’ll protect you’ bullshit. No you won’t. If monsters go to get us, you will leggit with your fast running LEGS and leave me and my ‘ooh’ face and boobies behind in order to save your own goddamn soul. Lol.

Right, I’m the girl that had to get into bed with my parents at 17 because i was scared of ghosts and definitely thought there was one in my room and still the girl that cannot watch a horror movie with anyone because i don’t fully trust that they can save me if zombies were going to obviously punch their way out of my tv and get me. I have to have all the lights on afterwards, watch a comedy or something light and sweat it out, with a gin and tonic.

So Scarefest! A LOT of you have begun your travels to your local ‘Halloweeny’ plots to go get terrified in the woods, theme parks or whatever it is you’re going to.

I’d GO. But, the excuse i’ve made up this time is the simple fact that, i’m sure that the last time i entered a haunted house, in the pitch black, i  definitely tried to dash through it with my eyes closed, attached to another human who i hoped was the friend i walked in with and whilst STRANGERS, who were trying to be scary for money, FELT ME UP, IN THE DARK, when i was defenseless. Hahaha.

I’m not paying to go get FELT UP by strangers in zombie outfits. Honestly, that haunted house was made 100 times scarier, simply because ever single PIECE of my anatomy, at some point was squeezed, rubbed, dashed upon or groped in the name of ‘Halloween.’ (Haha.) And people started LICKING ME. Like don’t FUCKING LICK ME. Haha. Don’t touch me! Lol. Don’t breathe on me, POP out on me, or anything, Just let me calmly and happily, (like i have wind) walk by like i’m brave and at a Miss Universe Pageant. Scare the other fuckers. They love it. They wanted to be there. I got dragged there. Or was told i had to show up there. I have issues. I can’t be placed amongst uncertainty and anxiety, with zombie chicks in side pony tails.

Tweet it? Facebook it? Promote it. Get fucked. I have a scary chainsaw dude, nipple gripping me in the dark, as i’m screaming for my entire life as my friends are pissing themselves and trying to video me. People pay good money to witness such behavior. I need to invoice you. Lol

Bottom line…Scarefest is too scary for me and my virginity.

Don’t get it twisted. Go with… knives.

A jazzy bit of co…parenting…

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Brilliant Sunday! Woken up refreshed! Had my own loin fruit attempt to *tease* me because i looked ‘rough’ without my face on.

‘Aww, well that’s unfortunate for you two, as you BOTH seem to have the same FACE as me, without my ‘face’ on. :)’ 

Then one squeezed my boob and the other slapped my bum and they both filled the air with giggles, as they ran into Wunna land to go off and cause havoc. GOD! Why can’t i just wake up in the morning and hear a ‘You’re beautiful’ without having to go on my Facebook comment sections, or say ‘Cya, catch ya later’ to a boy who doesn’t actually love me. (Note// That doesn’t happen often. But has happened enough, throughout my lifetime. Ah fuck! Now, i’m *flashbacking* each one in turn. Happy Sunday.)

This morning, i’ve tingo, tangoed at Ackworth Garden Centre, to enjoy Christmas early with little Baby Junior. He loves it there and well we just can’t keep away. It could be Christmas every day for me. I love it. It’s my birthday soon. It’s my favourite time of year! I’m all bout the mulled wine and tinseled tits. I’ll sit on Santa’s knee any day of the year. 😉

Then we shopped for groceries, but only down all the warm isles, as i hate the cold ones, they make me feel uncomfortable and have really bad lighting. 🙂  I was in my giant white faux fur, as decent folk judged my basket…and i was fine with that as it took the focus off ME…even though it was MY basket.

‘Oh? Pull ups and wine?’ (YES, PULL UPS AND WINE. Deal with it. 🙂 )

After that Junior and I grabbed a ‘drinky methinky’ at Ego, in Ackworth. I have so much fun there and the staff are always great to my family and I. I had margaritas by a toy tractor and Junior had a double juice bonanza and got so comfy.. that he fell asleep. Haha. This is not  regular family cocktail bar etiquette. Not that it’s normal for children to be in family cocktail bars. But in Wunna land it’s pretty normal. Ruby LOVES a hotel executive suite. 😉 And it’s not even because she’s bouji, it’s simply because when she was tiny, i had to travel a lot, audition a lot and appear briefly on tv shows. I was a single mum, she had to come with me, with child care.

Anyway we ended up having to skip lunch and just get a taxi home…Junior has NEVER been in a taxi, in his entire life and doesn’t understand the concept of it all. So the absolute despair on his face, was hilarious. He gave him *daggers* the entire way home.

‘WHO IS THAT WEIRD MAN? Why are we getting into his car?’

But today i’m feeling really grateful for life and the way our little family works. First and foremost, my parents…they’re so amazing at helping me through the ‘single mum’ malarky. I’m  a ‘work really hard’ Mum…to hopefully build some wonderful empire…and well i couldn’t even try to do it without them. It’d just be shit, a lot harder and almost impossible and i’m someone who believes nothing is impossible. I’m a champ and i’m filled with determination. A guy once said that I…

‘..could walk into a room and own it and simply with a cheeky look in my eye.’ 

Anyway, the help they provide, aids me to take the elevator instead of the stairs through life and I like that. Lol. I don’t like things to be difficult, be it in work, love or pleasure. I like positive helpers outers…Men who can take control if i need them to, but who own a soft soul. I look for that quality in men always and hardly ever find it, as i associate such behavior with unconditional love.

THEN there’s the Dad’s. I literally have THE BEST ‘Baby Daddies’ in the world ever. As separate humans we’ve all been through a lot. And then with each other, we’ve (haha) CERTAINLY been through a lot. Lol. Jesus!

Yet we have so much love, time and respect for one another, glittered over with really solid friendships and really warm, not fake, co..parenting skills.The boys are cool with each other, i’m great with them both and they have additional girlfriends who have joined the team, who are nothing short of fabulous. And we co parent AS A TEAM, not as individuals. So both Dads will happily have both children and if they have a school event, EVERYONE will attend to cheer them the Wunna Babies…girlfriends n’all.

I  mean, God, last week, we were all so busy with work. I had day job and events to tend to for the blog,with a bundle of entertainmenty stuff. Keiran was having to work hard and maybe away,. Pete was ‘working working’ rushed off his feet, so Jade (Keiran’s girlfriend) had to do the early morning nursery drop off and Alice, (Pete’s Doll) had Ruby sleep over at her place, just so she could do the school run for me, in the morning…HOW SWEET IS THAT! And it all works swimmingly, with zero drama. Alice works at the nursery that Junior goes to,  so it was actually quite funny, as once she had dropped Ruby off at school, she dashed to work and met Jade, who dropped Junior off at nursery 🙂

Maybe Keiran, Pete and I have just manipulated the masses and managed to get other people parent for us. Lol. YAY!

But to anyone going through rough co..parenting times. It’s not worth the battle. I went through the hard times…so believe me, it’s not worth the ‘waste of time.’ Only fight if your child is in danger by being with the other parent.

I mean, so what if you’ve broken up, or he has a new girlfriend and life has turned things upside down. It’s a test of your strength and compassion and the ability to understand. It’s how it is and you have to move quickly into a better box, where in which you can get into a decent frame of soul, so you’re not a tool…as in this situation being a tool is not attractive. You’ll  regret it.

Our parenting triangle works because we’re not ‘in love’ with one another anymore. We’re friends who share babies, but we care enough to make it MORE than work. We smash it! And we don’t just do it because it’s the right thing, we do it because we’re all close. I mean GOD I was married to Keiran and Jeeze, i’ve known Pete since he was 11 and he’s now 31! They’re not idiot guys and i’m not an idiot girl. They’re people that i care for as family…I spent chapters of my life loving them and the kids adore how it all works. They even get excited over the fact that i might pick a guy to ‘join the team’ so to speak. Lol. We’re recruiting! Haha.

‘Who’s it gonna be Mum?’

Both boys will simply say that it works because i’m a positive soul…a decent chick, I just have ‘this way of making everything wonderful’ and our friends will say, infact i heard a guy in a bar once say…

‘that situation couldn’t have worked out any better, than it has. It’s crazy how great it is.‘

That makes me smile and it’s just getting better and better!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inflatable Willies, Twittiness & Gift Buying

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I don’t even know what’s happening to me but i’m evolving into the most awesome human ever, that I don’t think I can even handle it. *Waaahoo!* Haha!  I feel like ‘Captain Jack Sparrow.’ I came to this executive decision this after i dedicated part of my life to picking out potential ‘Secret Santa’ gifts! Now, I don’t even know if i’m having  ‘Secret Santa’ at work, which quite possibly means that i’m a lunatic. Yet, i’m going to go with ‘just giving.’

Anyway, Holy Shit! I’m amazing. I’ve picked out the best potential ‘Secret Santa’ gifts ever and i know i’ve done well because I feel extremely SORRY for anyone who has the unfortunate unlucky streak of having me pull their name out of a tub. I’ve gone with…

  

…and because i love how LONELY the man in the penis suit looks, like he has no friends and life is always awkward and well…the emoji ‘middle finger’ cushion…is just a luxury that every respectable human on the planet needs to have. I’d love to spoon it on lonely Wednesdays.

Now, away from the comedy gifts. I’m a generous chick. I love to buy gifts for others and always do. It makes me smile and if i actually know you well, i’m usually an alright gift giver.  If i don’t, i’ll still get you something ‘general/glammy/or thoughtful’..If i date you, it will usually be something that you’ve yearned for or something super expensive…You’ll only know that if your life path has smashed, danced, lived or casually winked into mine. But yeah, someone’s definitely going to get the ‘lonely’ penis suit. I love it.

Everyone seems to have gone shopping today. I’ve heard of ‘blazers’ being bought, ‘New Canada Goose Jackets’ being purchased and i received my THIGH HIGH ‘off orange’ rust boots from Just Fab today after i ate eggs. I love a it of ‘buying for Winter’ so i’m so impressed with peoples fashion choices.

I need to get myself to the new Victoria Leeds, and to the Bubble Tea store for ‘checking it outs.’ I’ve actually got a bunch of outings that i need to accomplish, a whole lot of events and along with normal favourite stuff like all the Christmas markets and ice skating in city centres under the night stars with friends.

Everything’s all exciting. I’m watching the Xfactor, whilst being sat next to a pumpkin, with a fire engine being run up and down my back. I don’t know why everyone didn’t like ‘Five After Midnight.’ I thought the were all upbeat, fun and ace. Lol. I like the light hearted entertainmenty stuff. The ballards are all very well sung, but they aren’t half dull. I zone out and mainly because i’m not a singer. I can appreciate a decent ‘vocalist.’ But i’m Jesus…I’m Jesus? I mean JESUS! I love stuff that’s upbeat, sassy or alive. Something that’s fun or so hilarious that I die.

That’s just made me remember that when picking a life partner, I need to make sure that they are funny, or have the same sense of fun (I hate dull boys,) or humour as I…otherwise they’ll just think i’m a twit. (And i’m gonna try and get away with disguising my tittiness…tittiness? HAHAHA. I meant ‘TWITTINESS,’ and i guess now…with TITS. Lol.

Have a great night!

Mr Rights, Love & Blow Up Dolls.

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ac28

Aww! It’s the weekend and to be fair, I have had AN AMAZING last week. I’ve been so busy. *BOOOYAH! Rummy shots for the world!* Work’s been great! Entertainment is peeking up. Good times and friendships have been dashed in sass, sarcasm and that good old ‘belly laugh’ kinda fun.

Me: ‘Yeah but imagine if i actually fell in love and ended up with an actual forever BOYFRIEND.’ 

Firmonnell: (Who’s turned into a creepy mild pervert…I love her for it.) ‘What???’ *Paused* and then almost absolutely DIED with pissing herself of laughter, like it was the most STUPID idea that I had ever come up with, in my entire life. Hahaha.

I’ve done some pretty stupid things in my colourful lifetime. like flying to Vegas and marrying an American stranger, then crying down the strip, with my plastic bouquet of flowers in my hand (Haha) in a white lingerie nighty (that was my actual WEDDING DRESS) and whilst in GLOSSY WHITE knee high platform boots. 🙂 THAT WAS FUCKING STUPID. Love to me is beautiful. I ooze that stuff out. It radiates from me. I’m kind. I’m loveable. I’m filled with that glow of deliciously evil love juice. It beams off me like smiles from a Benny Hill chase scene. 🙂

However, i have noticed that most people who know me well, so…my family…my friends…my LA friends…my work colleagues, they probably know me the best…I’m a workaholic, i’m there all the time and love it…But yes, they definitely don’t think that I will settle down and be with a gent, EVER because none of them (SO FAR) have been a ‘good fit.’

‘Who’s honestly going to end up with you..’

‘You need someone who puts you first and takes care of YOU, not someone you have to look after or chase.’

‘I don’t even know what you were thinking with that guy you dated last year, he was just so bland?’

‘You’re just meant to exist as a hot single girl, as there is no one that i can ever imagine pairing up with you.’

‘I have no clue why your single, but i just can’t imagine you being with someone who’s going to be that worthwhile or treat you as well as you deserve.’ 

This..with laughter…is what I hear ALL the time…Hahaha. And it must be true, as they see me and hear me all the time. Yet, when i tell them about any new boys, past boys or new dates, there’s a smile in their eyes like they’re hopeful…or straight away they just don’t like them. Lol. Even my guy friends are the same,

‘What does he even do Chrissie? What was the last girl he was with like?’

But to me love is love and it’s something that I always ramble on about, because i don’t care what anyone says, feeling loved, is a MASSIVE PART of our silly lives as humans. I feel pretty loved always. I’m lucky. But no matter who or what you are? You want to feel it, don’t you? It’s an appreciation of your existence. Coupling up is not something that you NEED, (well not in my world) BUT it’s there as an option if you want it, as what’s better than sharing your best dickhead moments with a partner in crime over a drink, a wink and a bit of ‘we share life’ laughter. I sort of fantasize about being 80 years old and with this old man that I fell in love with me in my late thirties, who shares all these memories that we made,when we were young, over a brandy, as we watch the world go by…from our castle. 🙂

It’s not something that I worry about ever, even though i do go on, because i honestly feel quite comfy, really happy and lay in this peace of ‘soft landing’ knowing  that MY Mr.Right will appear in a puff of cocktailed smoke, reappear with a tinker in his eye and a change of heart, is about to appear as he struts around the corner, not knowing his entry into Wunna Land or will make himself appear more clearly and officially *STAMP* his territory with a ‘MINE.’

(Hang on, i’m in the middle of a game of ‘Hide and seek’ with the kids and Junior’s decided that his next hidey spot, should be under my top? Hahahaha. *Boys.*)

I don’t know how i’ve ended up harping on about love, as i was definitely meant to be telling you about how I made fun of a drag queen blow up doll, only to realize that I WAS the drag queen blow up doll..

Life is good. Loads of people i know are panicking because they’re in their thirties, be it early or late and suddenly finding themselves single. Don’t panic. It’s not the end of the Earth, It’s actually far more exciting than that as it’s the natural beginning of your next and for some, your final love chapter. SMASH IT!

 

 

 

 

Family life has tickled my little fancy and on the whole, with a umbrella jabbed into my Gin and Tonic in a can, my life feels like a fucking DELIGHT!

In a rush……….

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ac32

‘What’s the Oriental equivalent to Black don’t Crack?’

‘I think YOU need to say it, or it makes us look really racist, but you do look about 18!’

(Mixed in with other girl convos)

‘How do you know he’s rich?’

‘Well…he’s obese,  so obviously! That guy eats!’

(GIANT LAUGHTER OCCURS.)

Then loads of flights of killer fucking stairs happened, just so i could have an egg sandwich, talks of a guy with one peck, a sausage roll, people watching, teenage gay youths sex snogging on a market stall drunk, talks of Kim Kardashians bum..

‘I mean, it looks far too heavy to be carrying around?’

‘Webbo, do you like bum implants? No, I mean like when you’re getting jiggy?’

‘No, I’m not arsed?’ Excuse the pun! 😂

And then after lots of hard work, a busy mind, a good time, the end of the day and a 24 coffees, ‘The Mighty’ frisbeed over an A4 printed document with a..

‘Hey you have nothing going on in your love life? Why not do it on telly…’ Lol to see if i would audition for ‘Dinner Date.’ Haha.

And i would, but only if i’m the picker. I can’t be bothered with cooking for strange boys. But super arsed with picking one to pretend date. Lol.

Then almost like the beauty Gods needed to cut us some slack, absolute HOARDS of teenagers in teeny tiny glammy dresses distracted us, as they poured in from the skies and alleys of Pontefract. It was like Jurrassic park in heels and diamantees. We watched them be underaged and drunk…with intense contour faces and with hair that would make you believe that they were all up for every ‘Miss World’ award. (Apart for the weird goth one who went out in just a black bra with no tan. Eww! lol)

Two teenage boys were heavily making out on the market stall, feeling each other up and everything! However now i think back, one was just pissed and the other one was Gay, so the gay one  did some *flying leap* onto the straight one, who couldn’t see, was laying on the market stall drunk and well I’m sure he started aggressively snogging him. Romance is alive! These boys were around 17. I know!!!!

We ofcourse did the polite thing and GLARED AT THEM like they were nutters the entire time and then filmed them for YouTube without them knowing . 🙂 Hahah. That’s not funny. I shouldn’t find it funny. But fuck it! I find it funny!

Okay, away from that, I have lots of opportunities flying in now. Everything’s stable, but everything’s exciting. By the end of the year something smashing will have happened i’m sure. But i have no clue what? I just have this feeling…or a rash? Can’t tell? Both good omens. Lol.  Good news gives me feelings. Stress gives me a rash.

I’m about to get organized and start my ‘A Wine with Wunna’ celeb interviews that i’m gonna film for your jolly entertainment. (Basically, i do a wine and have banter with well known faces off your telly. It’s like a interview, but obviously, you know me…so we’ll CHAT and they’ll let all loose, as i’m charming. 😉 It’s not formal, it’s casual and so much actual fun.)

I kinda only have ten minutes to write this in so i’m in a bit of a rush. I’m waiting for a taxi outside my house typing this on my phone in my spikey red nails!!!

But i had no babies last night, as the were all at their Daddies and it’s weird as when they’re around you you adore them, yet they don’t half nark you off. Lol. Yet when they’re gone and there’s just you and a ginny cocktail, you MISS THE ABSOLUTE HELL OUT OF THEM.

I literally didn’t even know what to do with myself, so i ate carbs and selfied and pretended to shout at children who weren’t around me, after dancing to Fleur East tracks, downing more cocktails, emailing a talent agent and smashing a box of takeout noodles. I obviously need therapy, cuddles or a slap. You decide. It’s like my own version of ‘Snog, Marry or Avoid!’

I rushed upstairs to blog at around 9.30pm and must have passed out with exhaustion. Lol. It’s tiring being a glamour puss. 🙂 However at that point it felt blissy. You know when you can finally surrender to finishing your day, ripping off all your clothing, pants and everything, fling off the old bra and just lay starfish, naked on your bed for those couple of minutes of nothing but peace.

Did that, must have fallen asleep, as i’ve just woken up 7am and missed my alarm. Lol. OOps!

Other than that, i’m at work all day, i’m trying to plan drinks with friends, and wang in a drink with Mark, who i sort of met at the Leeds Lifestyle awards. He’s confused me because no matter what i say to him, he always asks me ‘why?’ Lol. I’m never used to explaining myself? I guess even though i’m easy going, i must be used to shouting out demands or commands. Lol.

I need to sort myself out so i’m off. BUT, soooo happy that Russell Brand is going to be a dad! Just read it on my Facebook newsfeed. i heart that guy!

Godda go. Busy busy!

Tonight’s blog will be better…

 

 

 

 

 

Boys, Life & Pervy Sandwich Boards

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A ‘scruff bag’ with a giant yellow sandwich board hungover him and a plastic bag that looked like it has been dragged through a swamp full of toads… tried to chat me up today, in Pontefract, outside The Red Lion. I get all the best guys. Now, i’m not one to judge a ‘scruff bag’ as remember…well you won’t remember because you weren’t there lol) but in LA, on 3rd and La Cienega, when i was about 24…a gaggle of handsome Hollywood ‘pretty boys’ all hung themselves out of a black Hummer, whilst driving and as normal started whistling at me and shouting out ‘diddly doo daa’s’ at parts of my anatomy. That was their version of romance. Their version of ‘hey you’re hot.’ (Just so you know, that’s normal in LA…the boys are really open, confident and shouty about it. I mean GOD, in Pontefract a guy would die if he actually plucked up the courage to wave at you, if you had boobs, a glint in your eye or were the object of his actual desire.) Anyway that’s not the point.

At the same exact time as ‘The Hummer Boys’ incident, i heard a whisper to my right and sat on a wall was a pretty hardcore homeless guy. He was dressed in ‘olive’ and with a hat on!. I stopped because he was beckoning me over and not even for dollars. Once he had my attention and let me tell you,  he was properly scruffy, but in the blistering afternoon LA heat (he smelt awful and was so layered it was crazy.) Yet he simply and calmly smiled at me, looked me in the eye and gently said, ‘You’re laughter is like a butterfly.’ And when he said ‘butterfly’ he did this funny little, finger flitter, like his hand was flying.

Now we all know my laugh is nothing like a ‘butterfly’, it’s like a fucking FOGHORN. I have the evilest, most torturous laugh in the entire world. I can’t help it. I was created this way. 🙂 I’m known for my shitty laughter. HOWEVER, to this homeless guy, who doesn’t get a lot of love, nor attention, to him…my laughter sounded so beautiful that it was like a ‘butterfly.’ Aww! SO THERE! It was sweet of him to take a moment out of his world to stop me for a second, just to say that. He was so  poetic and this was as the hot ‘Hummer Boys’ were screaming out horny noises at my booty, with salivary kisses and thrusts. So i never judge a book by it’s cover.

Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t make me want to DATE the flipping homeless guy as i’m much more shallow than that. 🙂 🙂 🙂 AND i probably saw all those ‘Hummer Boys’ at the club later that evening…Lol. But yes, i’m never one to judge, i literally have time for everyone and anyone…my hearts in the right place i guess? I’m warm by nature.

So, TODAY it wasn’t the fact that the ‘scruff bag’ was a ‘scruff bag.’ That wasn’t what turned me off, nor was it the fact that he was wandering around with giant yellow sandwich board around his body ( i found that fun)…nor was it the fact that he was a massive perv…(I can handle a pervert with ease), it was the simple fact that in giant red letters, upon his yellow sandwich board read the words, ‘THY GOD IS LOVE.’ Made me think he was a weirdo, so i ditched him on the cobbles and got myself back to work.

Why are people so odd? And why are 9 year old boys riding around the streets on rubbish bikes asking glamourous, Burmese. older chicks, in business attire, for a blowjob? Who raised you all? And there i was thinking ‘The Wunna babies’ were bad. Yet now i’ve realized that they’re far less ‘raw and gobby’ and far more ‘charming and slick.’ I did an ace job. Haha. I should write parenting books… NOT..SNOOZE… *Cue: EVIL BUTTERFLY LAUGHTER.*

Today we learnt not to hit on girls, with a message from GOD on your sandwich board. It’s off putting. Yknow, I don’t even think the the ‘scruff bag’ was single, as he soon waddled off to whop out the charm on some toothy, drunk lady in pink leggings. We were both lovely to him, yet i was polite and she was flirty…and darling there’s a difference. 😉 Hahaha. At least show some form of loyalty. You’re the voice of GOD!

I don’t have anything else to tell you, other than i’ve just had the most amusing conversation with one of my guy friends this evening. At least HE wants to talk to me and not fob me off for a no tooth chick in leggings. He’s less Godly and more mates with The Devil.. and yes it is ‘London Business Man.’

We’re hilariously good friends now, by accident. Infact, it’s funny how life  can windle an alternate connection between two people, when in the beginning 😉 it  initially got the form of connection wrong. We thought we were headed for ‘Loversville’ but instead we got to the finish line as friends. Good friends. He’ll tell me about all his dates and moan about his love life. I’ll tell him nothing about mine and offer spiffy advice when it comes to his glueing his world back together.

At least he goes out of his way to natter to me these days. It’s ace because with him, i’m always right and like Mystic Meg I’ll predict things that are going to occur in his love life so accurately. There’s a softer side to him than i initially thought. He’s great because he’s sometimes really together, yet sometimes really lost in his own sense of being because of ‘the crazies’ that he chooses to date.

He is currently dating and loving it, which makes me smile, but he can’t decide if he’s a good guy or a bad guy and he’s actually confused me so much, that now i can’t decide. Hahaha, But again, i’m glad that he comes to me for general happy or moany banter. I feel like his therapist, or this secret friend that he has for comfort. OH MY GOD! I’m his comfort blanket! Hopefully i’m a sexy one and not one drenched in dribble and woe. He’s a great guy. We’re similar and different all at the same time. I’m the more balls, much better female version of him. 🙂 As i’m loyal to my own feelings. He misjudged my greatness at first. I’m a tough cookie.

But I’ve also noticed that he adapts himself to every single person he meets. For example, he tells me i’m right all of the time. But he only repeatedly tells me i’m right all of the time because he knows i LOVE being right. 🙂 Very clever.

I don’t know how we got from him chasing me for years on Facebook, to finally chatting and adoring each other’s wit, to sexy cocktails at the GNH in London, to first kisses, want and lust….to chatting to each other like grannies about our rubbish love lives, via whatsapp?

I do also want to *stamp out* there that contrary to popular belief, there isn’t some kind of conga line of suitors waiting to be mine? A gent i know suggested that they’re could be last night and i assured him that it really wasn’t the case. I don’t know what people think or how they perceive my love life….but you certainly don’t have it right, as i don’t have much going on right now…The way people talk about my love life is like i own some Toyboy Warehouse.

I don’t have this super long list of guys that i chat to. I’m too old and too busy to be personally entertaining hundreds of males. I’m not like that. I don’t spread myself thinly. I put my energy where i feel good energy coming from..y’know where it matters. I’m super focused at everything that i do…so there will always just be ONE GUY that i like and that will be it, as my mind is too straight forward  and pin pointy to stray. I’m not looking to get casually ‘boned.’ I’m looking for the man of my entire dreams. I’m a relationship oriented girl…and i’m glorious enough to stick it out and wait until I find the right match. I’ve wasted a lot of my time in the past. It’s made me a smarter more comfortable adult.

So if i like a guy, i’ll tell him via the ‘Green Light.’ If nothing happens from that ‘Green Light’ and i’d say i’m patient, but really impatient all at the same time…Then i’ll usually and merrily reapply my energy elsewhere, or just focus on my own life, work and good times, until they pop up with adoration and if a guy likes you, he will always pop up.

I’m an exciting girl. I love exciting times. If things fall into ‘grey’….i never ever like it.