I’m currently in a coffee shop in Doncaster. I’m feeling great, refreshed and happy whilst I enjoy my own company (probably because it never happens) and i’m getting on with life, alongside all that it throws at me, with a smile, a wiggle and of course that infamous and somewhat delicate *wink.*
Right. So…everything that’s been going on!
As you can imagine, internally right now, i’m kinda going through a lot. Lol. However, instead of throwing a ‘look at me’ pity party, (I never actually do that, as dramatic as I am, when i’m going through the ‘big things.’ I’m the Queen of turning actual mountains into molehills and therefore despise those who take the opposite approach to situations. I feel like people have enough drama in their lives, without having to turn tiny ‘don’t matter’ situations into ‘big deals.’)
I was at work Saturday and those around me had read my blog, some didn’t want to mention it, some did, but didn’t….I continued to work as normal…because I would, wouldn’t I. Lol. THEN ‘Baby Adam’ strolls up to me by boxes of great smelling, unsliced soap and hand sewn playhouses and says, ‘So, what’s this then about…well…y’know…Demi & I read your blog…and…’ 🙂 Aww!
So, I just told him. I explained what was going on, my condition and what was going to happen. He was actually SUPER HELPFUL. More helpful than anyone would ever imagine. More helpful than he should even know about! Lol.
There were people who were shocked. People who were dying for me to have a baby. It kinda made me feel happy to see one of my work colleagues, who i’m really close to say, ‘Y’know, i’ve had a really bad week and this has perked me up.’ Moments like that mean a lot to me. However, the circumstance, was obviously difficult.
Incase there was confusion….no actual ‘changes’ as of yet had been made. So I went to work on Saturday pregnant. I didn’t say much. But that’s why i sometimes like my blog, because I can tell everyone something, then they all know without me actually haven’t to chat about it. 🙂 Easy way out.
Ben and I had already decided that we weren’t going to go forward with this actual pregnancy, due to funds and us already having our hands sort of full and instead we wanted to plan more appropriately for a family in the future. The sensible option.
However, i’m not good in these situations, as i’m all heart aren’t I. I’m awful for it. I’m skin to the wind and ‘i can do this.’ So even though i kept telling myself that I’d be fine with a termination. (Sounds so awful, but i just need to make sure the two that I have already, are 100 percent okay before i introduce any more. PLUS, if the boy is telling you he’s not ready financially…HE’S NOT READY. Lol) Basically, my mind was in two places. Do you follow your heart or use your head? And in those moments, as hard as it is, it’s important to be able to step away from what others are expressing and make your OWN decision, on a situation, without being swayed. You can get lost in the excitement at times. Lol. Well, I can.
Got on with my day. Got home. Had both babies with me. Happy as can be. In two minds, but not letting it show. My ‘Stress rash’ made an appearance, but only because when you have issues, and you’re at work or a mum, you can’t or shouldn’t take them to work with you, or show the babies, that you’re not okay. I get on with it, with a smile. My issue. I’ll deal with it.
Talked to Ben. His mind hadn’t changed. It was our issue anyway. I knew that I probably wouldn’t be able to terminate anything, when it came to the crunch, as i don’t have it in me. Lol. I’m great at pulling up my socks and moving forward, but rubbish and soft when it comes to moments like this. I sort of didn’t want the decision. I didn’t want to commit to the decision. I wasn’t ready to make a decision, but i felt that the clock was ticking on me….I’m still taking it all really well…and i’m just getting on with life. It’s kinda almost ‘Matrixy’…yet the pill you choose to take doesn’t determine your own life, it’s someone else’s existence…making it MUCH MUCH HARDER. (It’s easier for boys, because they don’t have to go through it, physically or emotionally.)
Then the weirdest thing happened.
I fell asleep that night and i dreamt.
Now, i’m quite spiritual, but a cynic when it comes to most things of that sort. But I dreamt…
and that night in my dream, everything was white, my Grandfather (who has passed away and whom i was really close to) appeared out of nowhere, with a newborn baby in his arms. He didn’t look at me, just looked down at he baby. He turned around and walked away from me, in a happy, content fashion and waved me a goodbye hand signal.
Sounds so silly and creepy.
Woke up the next morning, first time i had woken up without feeling ill in a week. I played with the babies, sang songs, made breakfast…went to the loo…and I had completely bled out into my underwear. I KNOW!!!!!
Insane right?? I’m not even kidding.
So, on Sunday morning, well Saturday night, without me knowing…I began to miscarry.
It was weird and sad, yet relieving in the sense of, ‘i didn’t have to make a decision, because Mother nature had made it for me.’
I still had Ruby and Junior though, who were as happy can be…so i made like nothing was going on and played with them all morning, full smiles, filled with love.
Ruby went off to Pete’s for Sunday lunch. I picked Ben up form his Mum and Dad’s and armed with Baby Junior we did Sunday dinner (I did salad) at The Carleton…like nothing was even going on!
Great, happy, simple, day. A family day filled with peace. Junior was beaming. Ben was happy to be back at work and hopeful. He came back to mine for a bit to chill. Ben and I are good and still in love, yet he says that he’s feeling a bit unimportant to me at the minute, because we hardly get to see each other. He knew about the ‘miscarrying’ situation…and was highly concerned because he didn’t want me to be going through any pain. However, I simply told him that he’d watched far too many episodes of ‘Hollyoaks’ or been around far too many ‘dramatic folk,’ (see, i hate mountains out of molehills,) as it really is just like having a normal period. The emotional part is different. But physically…it’s nothing. I spent a whole lovely day with Ben and Junior, doing lunch…whilst miscarrying…at The Carleton..so it can’t be that bad physically, right? And i’m a wimp.
When there’s nothing you can do about it, you just have to get on with it…
But yes, he stated that he loved me, but currently felt unimportant to me. However, I simply explained that internally, i’m kinda going through a giant chunk of much right now…and when i go through ‘chunks of much’ I do it privately, on my own turf and time. That’s why i always bounce back fast because I’m good at the personal healing process. I do it well. That’s why I’m a calm, happy Mum, instead of a stressy one. I teach them along the way, openly and honestly, how to deal with life…ALREADY! 🙂 They’re super emotionally schooled, are Ruby and Junior. They understand a lot for their ages and just get life really well.
If i think of all the shite that i’ve been through, this is nothing, right now, in comparison… my life is pretty charmed.
Sometimes you can get lost in your own bubble, as when Ben’s feeling a little bit unimportant…I’m still madly in love with him and actually more than ever. I’m really appreciating every inch of him being in my life, because he’s a really good person. He stands by me through thick and thin…and I do him, and yeah we might have a moan, but i’d never trade him in for anyone else. He’s my best friend. My ‘Forever boy.’ I feel lucky to have him and well, i noticed a massive situation the other day because after Junior was born and I went through the same sort of thing, with a pregnancy and miscarriage…Keiran (who i was married to at the time didn’t care one tiny bit,) he was so concerned about himself..and focused on hating me…that he forgot to actually care or aid me emotionally…and well it utterly stressed me out. It was a rollercoaster. Keiran’s good to me now, and a lot sweeter to me.Yet years have passed, so i’m really not bothered.The good thing about it, is that is makes co parenting much easier, when you’re both agreeable. That, if anything…makes me happy. I just don’t have any respect for men who walk out on their family and their responsibilities because they’re not strong enough to find positive solutions.)
Ben on the other hand is the opposite. He goes through everything with me, stands by me every inch of the way. He’ll make sure i’m feeling okay, the children are okay and be concerned for me, He’ll sort take on the responsibility of being ‘the man of the house.’ He’s dramatic, but emotionally strong and yes, he’s learning…but he’s good at it. He cares for Ruby and Junior. He knows them inside and out. He knows where I stand when it comes to caring for my children and doesn’t push the barriers. He’s the kinda guy that I know i can go through anything with in life…and we’ll be okay…even through the dodgy patches.
That’s why i’m lucky.
So, yeah. i’m going through a lot…Lol…and I’ll be honest and tell you that there was a moment this morning, where there was just me, sat in my leoparrd print pyjamas, nobody, no babies, no work, no schedule…and I sat on my bed, looked at myself through a wardrobe mirror, smiled and had a little cry. I never get those moment because i’m always so busy or i’m waiting for someone to arrive, or dropping someone off. So i had it…and it felt good. 🙂 That’s why i like to ‘blog it out’ my system.
The great thing about my life is that i’m surrounded by love. I have a really great family. A great Mum. Really wonderful friends…all different, all ages. A great partner…he’s lovely. Beautiful children…and a bubble that I can calm down or ‘busy’ up. I have a lot of support around me, all of the time and a lot of love swirling by me constantly….which makes times of this sort so easy, so i couldn’t be more grateful to everyone.
I’m enjoying my ‘Just Me’ day today. I needed it.
Lots of love,