Winning at Life #not

 

Nothing makes you feel more like a *LOSER* when you’ve just handed in months worth of unchecked lottery tickets into your local supermarkets cashier, mainly to empty your purse of false hope and litter…yet in the back of your mind thinking, ‘Hey…I better just check to see if I’ve won the jackpot’ than having the lovely cashier lady quite publicly place each one of your tickets into the machine & out loud shouts, as each one scans throw…’Nope…not a winner.’

By this time and of course because it’s MY idiotic life AND a flipping Saturday a giant line…(not a conga one…a shit one where everyone listens in) has accumulated like a middle aged snake of green, blues and greys, with bags that they brought from home to save the earth. So, I had to stand there in my full glamour pussy glory…with a prawn sandwich in my hand, being told that i’m ‘not a winner’ almost 14 times IN A ROW!  AND IN FRONT OF, what seemed like…THE ENTIRE RESIDENTS of the village that I live in Ackworth. JESUS!

‘Not a winner…..no…nope…not a winner…nope…sorry love..not a winner…nope…aww nooo honey…nope…not one…not a winner…’

🙂

It was the most humiliating hilarious thing that i could’ve gone through, after my last three days. Everyone was just glaring at me like I was…well exactly what the cashier was saying, ‘A LOSER.’  Lol. I mean she couldn’t have done it any louder if she tried. It was the slowest ‘one by one’ lottery ticket scanning ever. The Good Lord really wanted to give me a juicy kick in the knackers this time round. It wasn’t even a *kick* it was a slow painful *ball squeeze.* As if i’ve just got dumped by text…abandoned…and then get called a loser 14 times in a row publicly. 🙂 It’s ACE. 🙂 I was hoping that the last one was a giant millions win, so I could turn around to the queue behind me and shout ‘IN YOUR FACE!!! I’M LOADED!! MILLIONS! ALL MINE!MINE!MINE! WINNER!WINNER!WINNER!’

Other than all that, I don’t feel as bad about Keiran now. I have no idea why he was so stupid…but he’ll have his reasons and well that’s down to him. I’m going to continue being fabulous and maybe pour myself a vino.

The good thing about having the children go spend time with their Daddies on rotation, is the simple fact that you get that ever so lovely ‘one on one’ time with each child. Which I believe is essential. Especially because both pieces of Wunna loin fruit will naturally become attention whores. Ruby certainly is. I mean she bombed through the door today, after having her sleepover at Pete’s like a train with no brakes, all glitter, noise and giddiness. All ME..ME…ME! She’s an independent soul is Rubes and she’s every bit like her Mama, when it comes to her personality. Which is unfortunate for Peter as he’s naturally quite calm, polite and passive. 🙂 Ruby is DRAMA…yet charming all at the same time. You forgive her because she’s cute. Yet she’s two and seriously…no joke, acts like a teenager. That’s me. Hence why I understand her. Then after a few, air kisses, a brief bit of affection and jumping…she decided she wanted to swan off with her grandma and go shopping for the day. Socialite alert. She even turned around, pointed at me and said, ‘You’re not coming. ‘ Lol. And that was it. 10 minutes of a whirlwind…then straight out the door. Junior however is napping with Keiran and watching Bumble bees on the telly.

Sooo, now i’ve been left on my own. I don’t mind. I quite like my own company. Yet i decided to do something shit and be productive. I’ve got this dating site i’m starting…which I guess is appropriate now 🙂

I still believe in true love and people finding true love. And it’s certainly something that i’d like to give people because i’ve always fancied myself as matchmaker. I used to do it in school all the time. Now, I’m not meaning to do it like Patti Stanger and her Millionaire Matchmaker…as i’m not going to have meet ups and offices…i’m just going to do it online. New school dating for now. It’s costs effective also, incase it doesn’t work out. But i’d be pretty good at it. Plus, I haven’t chosen a niche…as well for example, I don’t think ONLY rich millionaire like men or beautifully glamourous chicks need love. Everyone does. So, i’m keeping mine open to all.

Wazza actually came up with the name for it all. It literally took FOREVER to name it…simply because every single good or even bad name for a dating site had been taken or registered.

I tried everything and he tried lots.

Anyway…then the host closed down so he had to find me another place to launch my site.

But he text me through the best that he could find…and well it was similar to what I had been searching, yet his was better and clever..so i went with it. Meaning I stole it from him. 🙂

I’ve been working on it all day, in order to get it launched. My mind and head is now boggled. I’m not at all techy when it comes to all the niggly bits. Holy shit, it’s been drama. I now need wine.

But yes…soonish, probably in a couple weeks…i will be launching my brand new dating site to help you guys find true love and for people of any circumstance, any age…any time.

I hope it goes well. I’ve worked on it really hard.

Other than that I’ve had the Sunday Sport see in i want a column…but i’d have to have boobies out…which I can’t do. I’m not at all closed off to nudity, yet when you’re a Mama, the Sunday Sport type of nudity really isn’t delicious. I’d do a Playboy…but i don’t get why I can’t write a column with my boobs in?

There’s more book stuff on the way, blog stuff, reality show stuff…appearances and the whole motivational speaking thing.

Plus, I’m doing online PR. Freelance. Own company. Which I’m quite good at now. Alls well. I’m excited. I’m going back to work shortly. Yet as soon as I do…i busy up. Idealistically I’d like to come up with something from home and work it, or do something entertainmenty and mainly because I could then be a Mummy fully..and work to my own schedule. I don’t mind working for others. Yet from the people that do…it seems everyone hates it. I actually don’t. I love it. I love working…but sort of only if it’s creative.

Anyway, i’m gonna go. Love you. Be winners. Love hard.

Chrissie x

 

 

Girl Points, Love & Soldiers

 

Today I woke up feeling great and one of the wonderful things about me is the simple fact that i’m really good at bouncing back, with a ‘just like that’ attitude, after a major life hiccup. Through my time in LA, life hiccuping was my forte. It sort of gave me a glitzy armour and educated me in the art of being bull strong. I life hiccuped so much during my twenties that the recovery time i needed in order to feel great again, just ended up diminishing. I feel great because I feel free. I feel of worth and I feel as though when it came to the ‘hard time’ I was the  one who stood by my little bits of loin fruit, which sort of (my I say) makes me feel like a ‘Hero.’ And I only say ‘feel like’ simply because I don’t necessarily think you’re  hero just because you managed to stand by and love your children, as that should be a given. It’s the easiest thing in the world. But when it comes to integrity, strength and loyalty. I’ll take a ‘hero’ title, thank you. 😉 *Wiggle-Champion Arms.*

Life has been good and hasn’t really been as hard as I thought it would be without Keiran living in Wunna land permanently. The home feels airy, light and harmonious. We’re all breathing in new fresh clean air and there’sactually been no negative energy and no frustration. In fact my home is now filled with utter pure love. Rubes, Junior and I are good human beings and our bond gives off the magic of a *sizzle* when we’re together. Things are looking up and i’m happy. There’s even been a difference in Rubes. She has a sparkle in her eye and because that layer of thick tension that glooped over the home…has now been lifted.

Nothings really changed too much. I’ve forgotten over the initial shock of it all. he’s apologized for the way he did it and actually wishes to pursue our marriage and now be a full time husband and parent. Yet as we discussed yesterday, he needs space and I’m not ready at all to open him back into my home, world or heart at all as of yet on a live in, full time’ permanent.’ I go through waves of hating him and forgiving him a little. I don’t fully trust him and I do believe that he made an impulsive decision, where he didn’t actually think about the consequences of his actions. He thought all this would be okay with me, that i’d welcome him back after he tried to prove a point. Marriage isn’t about point scoring. It’s not a game.

I don’t think his intention was to actually really leave us or abandon his marriage or family. I think that he was so caught up in the way he felt that he forgot to think for 4 people. He selfishly thought for himself, which didn’t give him the result he wanted, because no girl would ever really be willing to trust a man who ran out on her and her children. How can you? It doesn’t matter how good he’s being now, or how great you patch things up. Or how amicable you are after the storm. It’s just the art of ‘patching.’ It’s not truly resolving any problems and running away isn’t solving anything. But we’ve both agreed to live apart. I’m not wanting him to move back in and well he chose to move away and therefore must need to be away. It’ll be good for him. Yet every single one of my friends have said…well after calling him a idiot… ‘that it’s something that he will live to regret,’ and because I’m not good at being in relationships where the boy is not present full time by choice. I’m not forgiving and in my mind  if we’re separated, we’re separated and I don’t think any boy that has moved away from me, regardless as to whether we’re married…gets to keep dibs on me. I’m not on hold for anyone…ever. I’m just getting on with life. We’ve been chatting and he’s been sweet, yet i’m deep down highly cautious. I’m not stupid. He annoyed me a bit this morning, when I told him that it felt awful for me to have two children that I had to give out to two different men. I told him he was like Pete now. (Because in Keiran’s head, we’re still happily married and together.) Instead of saying something sensible…he laughed. That pissed me off. I don’t think separating a family is funny, or the art of me having to ‘give’ my son to him for an outing because he couldn’t be bothered to live with him. It’s not funny at all. It almost gave me the impression that he was enjoying ‘playing separated.’ Which made me see him as stupid and I saw him as stupid because soooooo many men would give ANYTHING to live with their child. Like PETE for example. Keiran chose not to and found it funny to ‘play’ separated. I don’t suffer fools that well. He hasn’t actually been intentionally mean, he’s just been stupid, which is often sort of worse.

On the up side…I now don’t have to cook for him, clean for him, scrub his gussets, do as he says…any of that. I don’t have to look after him or pander to him. YAY! He did try to slyly suggest that I  wash his shirt,

‘I don’t have a washing machine here and now my room stinks!’

‘Well you’re just gonna have to buy some washing powder and do it in the sink!’

‘Yeah I do KNOW. I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE.’

Then why bother telling me then….Lol. No wife duties ROCKS. It actually all works in my favour. 🙂 He even looked in the fridge and hovered his eyes over the stove when he was here to see Junior last night. *BUZZ* Wrong Answer. No more of that. So, it’s ace, because I’m now a wife who doesn’ t have to do all the shitty wife duties. I just get to be Mummy and do Me. 🙂 🙂

He was on the phone to me yesterday saying, that he was not happy with where he was now and how we are. That he didn’t want to be away from Me or the children. That he just didn’t have a choice. That he I loved me and wanted to be a full time husband and father. He even quotes this statement, ‘ I’m a family man.’  Now, not to be ridiculous or anything, but in the words of Ricky Whittle, (Who was ‘Calvin’ off Hollyoaks. Yes the fit one! 🙂 ) ‘You are defined by your actions and not by your circumstance.’ You can’t say I want to be a full time husband and Father, then abandon you wife and children. And like everyone says, you can’t say ‘I had no choice,’ because all anyone has in life ARE choices. No matter what you do, you have CHOSEN to do that. Then there’s the whole, ‘I couldn’t cope with the way you we treating me anymore…so i left to prove a point.’ That rubs my Father up the complete wrong way…as he says, ‘Does he not think that all men feel that way in marriage at times. They feel weak, they feel stressed, they feel as though they can’t cope. All men feel it, but in my marriage no matter how much your Mother annoyed me, or became tough to handle…I never once left her side, her home, her heart or abandoned my family.Let alone the WAY he did it. That is what measures the heart and strength of a man. I was never that selfish. You deserve better and simply because he lost his FAITH in you. He didn’t think this through and it’s not going to end the way he wants it to.’ 

Anyway enough of all the negative. The wonderful thing about going through a difficult time is being reminded of the fact that you have GREAT support.

One of the biggest things that got me through the last 3 days were what I call ‘my soldiers.’ I always tell you how great my friends are. They’re friends that I don’t see all the time, every day or every moment. That’s how you can tell a true friend. But they are people who I love, who I respect because they love and respect me and well also  the things in or going on in my life. I pick my friends very carefully…I’m not stupid enough to surround myself with idiots or no hopers, users or ….can’t think of any more. The day before yesterday, I came home from a lunch with my Mother. I checked the mail and there was a little cardboard Amazon box on my floor? I was sooo confused and obviously figured it would’ve been for Keiran, because I hadn’t ordered anything from Amazon. Yet then I knew it couldn’t be as he is certainly not a reader.

I run up. I check. It’s addressed to me. I slowly peel it open.

OH MY GOSH!!!

 

So my good friend Emily (@emilywoodcock )…my ginger Princess of bondage, who I have just filmed and worked with on the Ann Summers project, (yes we have sex toys… created by us on the shelves of Ann Summers right NOW….so please go buy them pronto. They also make great gifts.) Anyway, due to me feeling low and depleted, due to all my relationship drama, she decided to send me a surprise gift…the first time i’ve actually ever loved a surprise. I opened up the box and it was a book…THE POWER to be precise. I’m a fond lover of all books of this sort..The Secret, The Magic…The Power and had never got around to buying it and reading it.

Emily, however, decided to buy and mail me one and have it surprise delivered to my home, out of love and with a note that read this,

‘I’ve not read this myself, but i’ve heard great things about it. Chin up Babe. Emily W’

Awwwww………how sweet. It made smile and cry all at the same time, because everything had been so tough for me over the last few days and it felt so lovely to have someone do something like that for me, when i was maybe feeling down. (I was about to put of ‘little worth’ then, yet when you’re a mum you never feel of little worth, no matter what because your children always need you and love you.) But yea…Ems… What a great human being. I love her. YOU ALL NEED AN EMILY. I feel lucky to have her on my friends list. 🙂  She’ll make a good wife one day.

So over the last couple days, just knowing and seeing how strong my  support system has been has lifted me over this and sailed me through quickly. I mean, as soon as my friends thought that I needed a safe landing…they didn’t butter me up with cliched ‘blah…blahs,’ they didn’t demean him in any way either. Instead, I received calls of love, inboxes filled with help and advice…texts of humour, snippets of smiles, DM’s of experience and surprise GIFTS through the mail. 🙂 It’s made me very happy and helped me wake up after day 3 and feel brand new. I feel great! *Sips water* (I’m drinking way more water now simply because Victoria told me that if I don’t my body will squeeze the dirty water out of my own poo and use it to hydrate my body. Gross!)

Other than all that, the kids are fine. Ruby had a baby-cino coffee date at nursery with Edward and Junior pissed himself laughing every time someone got told off.

Pete’s about to drop Ruby off. She had a sleepover night with him last night. Keiran and I have been getting along fine today…even after everything…He’s taken Junior out for the day. Things are all good. In Keiran’s odd ’bout of cheeriness, he playfully said, whilst pointing at me and doing his baby voice, ‘If you’re lovey dovey to me, maybe i’ll come back.’ Erm? Come back? He can’ t come and live with me now, after leaving. HE said that it would take time…and now I truly believe it will too. I’m enjoying not having to do all the shitty wife duties. 🙂 It’s gonna take a whole lot of wooing, romance and convincing before I’ll even THINK of wanting to scrub his gussets again, make him his tea, or tickle his back for hours on end.  In his own words ‘The balls in your court Chrissie,’ and well right now i’m grabbing it and enjoying having the title of wife without actually having to do the crap parts. 🙂 I feel like he’s made my life a bit too comfortable for me now that he’s sort of accidentally made it harder for himself to convince me that it needs to change. Men. 🙂

 

 

Keys, Life and Lionesses

 

I’m actually feeling much lighter today. I’ve had a brief morning weep. (Don’t you just love those. I’m there like a lunatic sobbing whilst changing Junior’s ‘follow-through, that I thought was going to be a massive poo.) Yet other than all that, i’m feeling organized, happy and like i’m a lot better at this than I ever thought. The nursery run was easy this morning. Ruby was easy this morning. (Apart from wanting a plait. My daughter’s hair is insane. Putting her ‘half-fro’ into a plait is like wrestling a lion with an anger management problem.) There was sort of a skip in my step this morning, even though my heart still feels very broken. Yet the good thing about me, is that i know what and who are important to me and what t put first in life..and right now, i’m ‘Mummy’ and my little babies need me. The wine drinking and the weeping to sad love songs can wait whilst they’re around now. I’ve suddenly noticed how strong I am and I’ve suddenly noticed that I’m a long stronger emotionally than my ‘don’t even know where he lives’ husband. When times get tough, I don’t ‘do a runner,’ or jeopardize the hearts of my bambino’s in order to go ‘find myself.’ In my mind,when you’re a parent, you ARE going to feel lost, you ARE going to need space, you ARE going to feel weak at times, but the whole point is that you muscle together, pull ya socks up and just get on with it, knowing that everything is going to be more than okay, instead of throwing a pity party that doesn’t even include rum. It all only ends up with regret. I’ve been there. On both sides. It’s never fun. (Hmm…rum. As I tweeted yesterday, there was a stage in my life where a handful of gentlemen were inboxing me to literally become my real life slave. I’m not at all joking!! One gent found me, after a mild stalk in a Gay Bar in London and demanded that I boss him about. I couldn’t do it to him and found it all a bit hilariously odd? He honestly wouldn’t do anything, UNLESS I had told him to do it? Even sip his own drink!!! To say i’m seen as the bossiest of boots…I found that I actually had a heart after all. 🙂 (Yeah it beats and everything.) Then, i realized that whatever issue he had, he just had. What truly made him happy in that moment was for me to just tell him what to do. Weird I know. But honestly, he loved it. So, I made him get a drink, drink it, go find his friends and then leave…after I hugged him and thanked him for his brief service. He told me how much I had made his evening..but kept calling me ‘Queen Wunna.’ Then as Gay Adam reminded me last night, I walk off to the dance floor of Pre-Bar London..and get tortuously man handled, by an aggressive dancer, who was gay, loved glitter and well was it Kylie that was playing? Not sure what he thought, but he sort of GRABBED my being and started swinging me around, up, down and around with a shimmie …madly…joyously…and o music. It got so aggressive that my weave half fell out. Paahahaha.. My face was priceless, I looked like a blow up, ninja, sex doll…in shock and maybe on her period. And what did Gay Adam do!!??! Piss himself laughing at the fact that I was in such discomfort. CHARMING! Thank God that sound stopped, coz I swear I would’ve ended up DEAD by Dance. At that time, I had recently come ‘off the telly’ as I like to say. Back then I believed behaviour of that sort was the downside to my 5 minutes. However, now I look back…it was certainly one of my ‘ups.’ 🙂 I so should’ve stayed with the slave. It’s just goes to show how 4 minutes and a strut can change your entire life. One minute I was Queen Wunna..the next I was gay dance floor fodder..and all because of a wrong step forward.)

Anyway, what was I saying…So, Keiran came over yesterday to well…as the term goes…talk. Which is probably what he should’ve done in the first place, before pulling a ‘Houdini’ on us…and I say ‘us,’ because I come as part of a threesome now and it’s not one of the dodgy sexy sort…it’s all Asian, dirty nappies and tantrums. (Hang on…I haven’t worded that plain enough. It still sounds a bit sexy to weirdos? *Flashes back* to a ‘Cheaters’ episode where the guy was caught running around in a diaper after being cradled and breast fed by a…whore. : )

But, he came over to chat and to reassure me that he hadn’t ended our marriage, he still very much wanted the marriage, he just needed to get better and find himself again and prove a point because he felt mistreated. He stated that he would want to still be married to me, yet LIVE in a completely different place for a while and come to see the children every night for an hour, until they go to bed? Erm…?

First of all, he has just broken my HEART, by not realizing how a text could effect the way I felt about myself and our relationship. He wanted to prove a point, I get that. But it’s done the opposite as now it’s opened a whole new can of worms, one that is highlighted with mistrust. I think he was so caught up in his own mind and own head that he forgot that I was a girl (the simply basics to love) and that after just texting me and disappearing on me and incorrectly wording a text, which would make me think he had abandoned my marriage, family and heart and that i was only worth a text message…my just make me feel a bit cautious of him and his ‘love,’ or the faith that I had in him to commit. As far as I know, when we first met, I had every single one of his friends tell me that he was massive player, could never could settle down, used women for sex…slept with everyone and anyone he wanted..and if that’s coming from what we classed as his ‘best friends’ at that time…who I actually had nothing to do with from last year…then what am I supposed to think. It makes me feel like he thought marriage and babies were fun for a  while, but now he’s not so keen on it and wants to leave.

Anyway, the first thing I said, and it was heavily awkward when we initially spoke was this:

‘How do I know that you’re not having an entire relationship with some other girl and you want to see how that pans out and incase it doesn’t you want to keep me sweet and your marriage alive so you can pop right back to safety when you need it!!?’

He was in literal shock that I might think that and to any girl that would be the first thing you think and he didn’t THINK before he made a move because he didn’t question how it would make me feel. He didn’t even think about the children. Who walks out on someone after their partner has spent her entire first year of marriage pregnant and then birthing the most beautiful little boy, who became the little brother to  my beautiful little girl, who HE MADE a ‘Daddy’s girl.’ He never thought enough before he made his move and he felt that he had to do it that way because otherwise he wouldn’t have gone and he needed to.

He then said, he wasn’t with anyone and that he would never ever do that to me, he’s not that stupid, he just needed space and to teach me a lesson. But the lesson I have learnt is to maybe not trust him, as his emotions are too fickle to give me and my stability. And that emotion has grown over the little poin tthat he wanted to prove which was the simple fact that he wanted to get treated better. It’s all because of the way he has done it.

I then told him that I didn’t even know where he was, who he was with, what he was doing or where he even lived and that of course i’m going to think all sorts because he pulled a disappearing act and abandoned me. And his only response to that was…‘You can ask me. You can even come and see where i’m living, I’m not with a girl. I promise you, You have my word.’ But firstly his word doesn’t really hold true to me at the minute, because of his text…and secondly ASK HIM? If you cared and wanted to love and protect your wife and your family, you would make sure they always KNEW where you were incase something terrible happened and we needed him! That shouldn’t be information that isn’t freely given. Men are so selfish. No mother or wife would ever leave their children or husband for a while and not leave deatils of their whereabouts, incase anything should happen. He just hasn’t thought and now caused so much hurt and shock in me that i’m not doing this ‘together but separated thing.’ My kids and I are worth more than waiting for some guy to care enough about us, to want to be there for us full time.’

So what he wants is to live in a different house, still be married, yet be able to do his own thing, and see the children whenever he wants…and he ended it with a ‘but we’re still together Chrissie, I love you, I haven’t abandoned the family.’

NO.

That’s what SEPARATED PEOPLE DO, people who aren’t together anymore. They live separately and see the children once a week and shuffle schedules. When you’re married the whole point is that you ‘do it together.’ You’re meant ot be life partners, not two separate units and I hate him for doing this to us. He’s broken my heart and right now, I can’t get passed it, because I can’t trust that he’s committed to me or the family. ‘I want to do my thing’ doesn’t cut it when you have a wife and two children.

And again he hasn’t thought about  how that might sound to me…because to me it sounds like, he wants to go do whatever he wants, make ME take care of the children full time and on my own, he’ll just pop in and play with them for an hour, before he leaves to go do his own thing, whilst i do all the hard ‘baby’ stuff, and he tries to keep his marriage sweet and secure incase he needs to come back to it and if whatever relationship/life  that he believes is more important that the one we had goes sour. The easy way out. he hasn’t though about the times that I felt that I couldn’t cope…but I did…I looked after myself and my children even at my times of weakness. I had a newborn and a two year old to look after because  after a month I had to deal with feeling like a single mum of TWO, as he left and went away to work. I moaned, but I got one with it. I didn’t run away from my responsibilities.  I don’t even believe he’s been loyal or faithful to me at all now…everything just seems to make sense now, like why he was always away, why he was always playing golf…why he was so tired and stressed…all of it. I don’t trust him anymore because he didn’t take care of my heart. So to me, even though we’re dancing under a title of marriage, it feels like we’re very separated because we’re not living ‘one life together.’ WE’re living two and I don’t even know where he is right now, what he’s doing or anything…and he STILL didn’t even bother to tell me.

Like I said in my last blog, I’m worth more than waiting around for him to heal. He’s planted suspicion now and coming from a previous marriage which towards the end was filled with that….well lets just say it’s not comfy. I’m just gonna get on with life, with my children and well now I need time to heal…i just don’t get why he believed I was going to be okay with all this. The way he sneaked out, the way he didn’t even tell us where he went, the fact that he DID plan it, the fact that I don’t believe he isn’t with other girls, the way he hurt my heart, abandoned his family, the fact that he only wants to be with us ‘part time,’ and live separately…yet ofcourse still be happy and married and together. Who told him that I would agree to that! No. You walked out. You’ve moved out. You chose to leave us. So it doesn’t matter if you’re saying you’re still my wife, I love you, I haven’t left any of you. YOU HAVE. That’s exactly what you did. You can’t be in a marriage and be separated all at the same time. You’re one or the other. You can’t show up and play with the children for one hour a day and say you’re are a full time father. You can’t leave me and then say ‘we’re still together though.’

I mean, he was even shocked that I asked for my house keys back? Shocked? Why? He moved out, it’s not where he lives anymore. There’s not anything in this house that belongs to him, aside for his son..and Junior HALF belongs to him. He’s now a guest. My heart doesn’t trust his anymore. I got my keys back. Which he responded to with a ‘that was your first mistake because you’re putting a barrier up.’ Mistake? Love isn’t a game or a test..his mistake was abandoning me when things got too tough for him and believing that a text message was an appropriate way to cut a tie, with your wife and children. And well, yeah of course there’ s going to be a barrier. He left and hurt my heart.  He doesn’t get to leave and also dip in and out of our lives when he feels he wishes to.

I don’t have keys to where he lives now…so he doesn’t have keys to mine. I don’t even KNOW where he lives now. That to me…makes sense. The weird thing is, i’m coping really well now…i’m getting on with life.

……………………………………………………………

(The above is me drawing a line under it. 🙂 )

On a jollier note…shit loads of you saw me gardening yesterday. 🙂 I get why it shocks you, because it sure as hell shocks me. But I did have help. However, after the help…I then went back and snipped a few bushes, pruned a few over-growns. It was bizarrely therapeutic, if your frustrated or angry, or even lovingly hurt, gardening works. I don’t know if it’s the destroying or shedding of something, that sets you free…as you snip down bushes..or whether it’s the manicuring of your garden that give you a sense of control and order. But it’s good. Brought a smile to my sorry (hot) 🙂 face.

I’ve even got to do it again today because my arms are really rubbish at working. I have no muscles. But i’m excited about it.

I even signed up with a personal trainer…well about to anyhow. I went to school with him and he’s back in town. He’s a sportsman by trade and throws the javelin for a living. I need to take my mind of stuff for a while and get into shape, so what better way to do it…then lunging? I’m more about my workout outfit than anything else. The cuter I look, the easier my work out will be. I hope?

Apart from all that, I’m loving your messages. They’re making me smile and well reminding me that not only do I have support, but that it actually happens to everyone, meaning I didn’t need to throw my usual pity party for one…I simply put a gummy label over it that (in big letters) read ‘LIFE.’

This was my favourite message from yesterday:

‘Just a quick one! Someone left me whilst I was pregnant. If I can do it fat,pale and unemployed you definitely can! It’s actually easier in most ways!!! Unleash the inner lioness and remember: no more skiddy pants or pubes in the shower! ;0) xx’

I adore women who can laugh it off with a bit of wit and muscle me forward with a slap bang, ‘be a lion.’ 🙂 Beautiful beautiful lady friend. (God, now i’ve just made us sound like complete dodgy lesbians.)

My other favourite was the cashier lady, in Co-OP, who read my blog and who I adore…I see her everyday, I might as well invite her over for Christmas Cake. She stopped me, had a chat and powered me on with a ‘hey-ho!’ I’m like this complete loser 🙂 that although humiliated can sort of pick herself up, grin and laugh about it, with a sigh and a few life plasters.

I’m working hard, I open my new dating site soon…I’m hopefuly getting a column and alongside motivationally speaking, blogging, being a mum and working…i’ve functioning on coffee and weirdly pruning bushes. I should ‘vag-jazzle’ them.

The Keiran thing isn’t that bad. He does want to make it better. But…well but…it just makes no sense to me. You can’t want to go do your own thing and still have me on hold, so no-one else can have me, or incase his other ‘whatever he’s ups to’s’ don’t pan out. That’s how I see it.  The reason why I don’t just believe he needed space, is simply because he ‘snook’ off and didn’t tell me where he was going, or where he would be for a while. He just didn’t realize how much additional  pain and suspicion his actions would cause. He just wanted to prove a point. Unfortunately…it just hasn’t worked out as smoothly.

 

 

 

 

I never liked surprises….

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So…after I had had my breather yesterday and blogged out in the open, I drive home feeling much better and ready to tackle the problem Keiran and I were having with a whole heart and an open mind.

I stop off at the Co-op to buy Baby Junior a couple more nappies and as I park up I notice that I had a text. A text from Keiran. I’m assuming that it would just be an ‘i’m sorry, lets make this better’ text, as that’s what any normal human being would do. But now, he sends me this:

‘Hey, hope you’re okay. I’m really sorry for everything we have been through in our entire relationship and doing what I have done has been the hardest thing for me to do. I don’t want you to be shocked when you get home which is why I am telling you now that I have moved out. I hope we can be amicable for the kids sake and that we can be friends. I want to be a part of the kids life as much as you will allow me to be. I hope we can sit down and talk about where we go in the future. ‘

It’s like it was even written by someone else. He doesn’t talk to me like that. So, I read it and re-read it and my entire body started to shake and as I sat in my car, in the parking lot of the supermarket i burst into tears. It was just one of those awfully pathetic moments where you feel like you trusted a boy to love you and he didn’t anymore. I’ve done this cry on almost every continent. Yet i didn’t expect to be doing it at 32 and I didn’t expect to be stupid enough to let this happen to me. To me, (and i’ve discussed this with him just now, where he begs to differ)  he had ended our entire marriage, walked out on his family and left us and what hurt me the most in that moment was the fact that he did it via TEXT.  Like he didn’t even see me being WORTH a sit down conversation. Like I was simply nothing to him. A TEXT. Like I was some cheap one night stand that he needed to get rid off. Would you ever, EVER do something like that to your wife, and only send them a text. That hurt me so much that I didn’t speak to him. I said nothing. I ignored his calls. I suddenly realized how much i actually meant to him…which was not much. I mean, I showed people this text and they were astonished that that was the manner that he deemed fit to end it all. Or even just move out. I wasn’t worth a conversation and that’s how low he regarded me as a person. It was bad form and my good friend (well a lot of them) pieced me back together, as I cried in a baby Asian heap. All I could think of was how stupid I had been to have trusted him to be my ‘hero’ and all they kept saying was ‘you’re not stupid, you’re trusting and you’re meant to trust your husband with your heart…he’s a bell end.’  Like whoever gave him that advice to text is an idiot and obviously doesn’t know me very well because when it comes to things like that courtesy means everything to me. I mean with Michael (my first husband) I cut myself away from him when he began to be of bad form. ..and even HE wouldn’t have ended it or moved out via a text message. My guy friend said that it sort of made him look like a coward.

I didn’t buy nappies. I couldn’t handle it. I went home, saw that he had moved everything out breathed and then did the nursery run. The next thing that hit me after being upset that I was only worth a text, was the fact that he walked out on his son and my daughter. I was shocked that he had the audacity to do that…yet because i was only worth a text, i sort of felt as though it was expected and that I had completely missed judged him. Had it all been a game to him? Did he even really care? If so, then he was no role model to my little girl or my little son and if i wouldn’t want him around them. I mean, he didn’t care to ask how they were the entire time he was away. He didn’t even break one heart, he broke two. My daughter had been waiting the entire time when he was away for him to come back home. Her world depended on it. I told her that he was doing his last festival and that he would then be back home from work…and at that point after no concern for the children anyway, whilst he was gone. He moved out. He broke two hearts, with one text. Breaking my heart is fine. I’m a big girl. Breaking hers is not fine with me. She came home she saw, she knew, she asked..and i told her the truth. She actually was fine after that and never asked about him again. She played and played and played. There was even a moment where I broke down and my tiny little two year old ran to the bathroom, got some tissue, handed it to me and said, ‘Don’t cry mummy. I love you. I give you a cuddle.’ 🙁 Awwwwww.

So, a lot broke down due to that text and probably more than he expected or wanted…as he obviously thought that texting without a face to face conversation was the right thing to do. What was he thinking!! It’s not even what he did. It’s the way he did it that upset me and it hurt me more than anything because it showed me how little he regarded me. So advice to all men, you DO NOT EVER send your wife a text like that and think it is appropriate. When you have a problem, even if you want to move out, end the relationship or whatever it is that you needed or wanted to do…you tell her via an act of decency…especially if she is the mother to your children.

He wants all of this to be all amicable because that’s how Pete and I are. Pete has never hurt me like Keiran has. Never called me a name. Never broken my daughters heart. That’s why we are amicable. We respect one another. Keiran has done this the exact wrong way and to be fair I don’t actually think he meant it to turn into such a big thing that it would offend me, to the point where it would all now back fire and go dodgy from this way forward. He just wanted to make a point…and have his space. Which is fine. But because of the way he did it and the way he informed me…and because of Ruby…it’s all gone a bit too far the wrong way now, that’s it’s going to take a lot for me to mend this. The point is fine. Space is fine. Moving out is fine. But the proper way to have done it is to have just told me that it was happening instead of sneakily doing a runner and sending me a text. I mean,he didn’t even hold his son, or say bye to my daughter before he went. When there’s children that are knowledgeable like Ruby you need to explain these things to them, in order to make things okay in their heads. That’s how Pete and I did it with Ruby, as she got older. He didn’t just disappear. Everything was done very carefully.

Anyway, i’m rambling on. He’s gone. He’s moved out. I ignored him. He called and texted. I called him this morning. He was sort of in a state of shock that I would actually be upset, this was meant to be about him and about him proving his point and getting away to feel himself again. I guess he didn’t realize what he had caused as an after effect. I told him that i was worth a conversation and that ending our entire marriage via a text was poor. He didn’t even realize that that’s how I would read the text because he claims that he didn’t at all end anything. He didn’t even know that i would read it that way and feel as upset as I am. I mean he even had it ‘okayed’ by people. I mean, what people with an inch of decency or class would ever say that that would be an okay way of doing things and that when I read it I wouldn’t think that he had ended our marriage. NO-ONE. Only people that wouldn’t want him to be with me. I’ve showed people that text and not one person who read it thought it was okay. They were shocked that he had it in him to be (as they put it….’such a prick.’) I’ve gotten really caught up on the manners side of it haven’t I and the Ruby side of it all. (But I can handle the Ruby side of it all because i’m Mummy.)

I would have granted him space and time. I need space and time. I understand wanting to move out and feeling suffocated. That would’ve been fine with me. What I didn’t like was the way he measured me as a person. All men have to do is love, protect and provide. If i was a guy…I wouldn’t find that hard.

Aside from the manners and Ruby, the only other thing that upset me was the fact that HE PLANNED IT. He knew he was going to do it. He knew where he was going, what he had to do. He had planned it WITH PEOPLE. He knew where he was going to  put his stuff. He moved his old car. He had everything planned beforehand and every intention of doing it that way without me knowing. The whole time he was planning it, he didn’t even think I was worth being told. He even told other people before he told his wife. He was poorly advised because his manner has rubbed me up the wrong way and from what I know of him…he wouldn’t have ever wanted to hurt me. Yet now…and because of the whole pre-planning, behind my back sneakiness…he has. All he had to do was say that he wanted to leave. That’s not how you do things to people who you want to have in your life forever. That’s not what you do when you have a family. It showed me a very different side to him and it showed me his commitment, as a man, to us.

So, i’ve had a conversation with him over the phone, not face to face and it’s all gone a bit further than he wanted. I don’t think that he quite understood how much i would be offended by him texting, as he truly and weirdly thought he was doing the right thing? My little children and I are worth more than that and he can discuss whatever problem he has, with whoever else he wants…because they will never have the right answer and they will never have the right answer because they don’t love my children the way I do.

He said today that he knew i would use ‘the children’ line on him and against him. Against him? Who has told him that any of this is okay behaviour when you’re a father!! I’ve been a lot of things, but i have ALWAYS been a good Mother and made correct choices for my children. This isn’t using anything against anyone. If you pull a disappearing act on your newborn, wife and daughter and they don’t know where you are, why you’ve gone and you haven’t told them…and you still haven’t told them even now, then the basic fact is that you have abandoned them. It’s fact, not game playing. Where is he even? I couldn’t even tell you and I couldn’t  even tell you because he doesn’t even think that we are worthy of knowing. And he wants me to not be offended and to believe that he cares about us. How can a WIFE not know where her own husband resides How can you leave your wife and home and not sit down and TELL HER, when you knew were going to do it all along.

THEN, like the idiot that I am. I sat there crying with my 2 year old…and I find out that he’s been…I don’t know? Like playing golf with some chick behind my back or something? Like flirting with her or something? I don’t know?But it’s all too much for me. He can go mend, heal, do yoga, sing hymns to himself  or whatever, for however long he wants…if he doesn’t think i’m right for him then that’s his loss. It doesn’t mean that i need to be sat waiting around for him in the meantime. I think he accidentally misjudged the consequences of his actions because all he wanted was to have space, get better,  move out, be heard and prove a point. Yet because of the way he has done things…it’s accidentally reflected a different point, which has affected his marriage and his family in a way that he didn’t necessarily mean or want.

So, today we are meeting to discuss things…which is what he should’ve done before he planned his runaway. Things would’ve been okay then. I was worth a conversation.

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All Kinds of Jiggery…

 

So, I figured a change of scenery is just what I needed. I usually always blog from home and well blogging from home is somewhat more convenient, however I much much MUCH prefer to ‘get my blog’ on, so to speak, whilst i’m out and about. Mainly because it reminds me of LA, where the blogging began. I’d always be so broken, happy, or party tragic, that I’d have to find an outsidey place, that I considered to MAKE ME FEEL FREE, as i’d always feel stifled by bad energy, sore memories or on the upside, I just preferred being plonked in the middle of life, *Slap-Bang-Wunna*, around people, wonder and energy. It made me feel busy and got my mind working. I never needed a wine when I blogged out in the open.

Currently, all these people (three..all men) are glaring at me because my updo’s gone wonky and I can’t adjust it right now, simply because chopsticks are holding it up. 🙂 Asian Persuasion. A simple wrong move or careless adjustment, will make the whole ‘diddle-dum fall to pieces, which I normally wouldn’t mind, yet today I have ‘scrunchie made of hair’ pieces twisted in, so obviously being sat next to a bundle of fallen off my head, hair scrunchie would seriously award me with free passes to Loserville. Today my hair’s like a furry Jenga. I hope it doesn’t just plop off my head without my consent, as that would be marginally embarrassing. (I’ve been through a lot worse. Most ended in heartbreak or doing a sick.) I’ve been walking around like i’m trying to balance plates on my head. That’show delicate my updo currently is. Yep, I look like a proper tosser….but the boys still love it. 😉 So lets leave the ‘hating’ for another day. 🙂 Today my favourite is Men in suits. However, Ladies, you DO have to becareful of a man in a suit. It’s always a bonus if it’s during the day, as it may mean he has some sort of decent job…especially if they’re older. Yet if they’re younger and in one, they might just be in it because they’re off to a funeral..meaning no great job, no great husband material. 🙂 So don’t let them trick you. (All that babble was actually quite judgmental. Yet i’ve had coffee and coffee makes me be that way when i’m wedged around ‘busy.’)

So, my whole bank holiday weekend was spent adoring  the children and catching up with my family. My baby cousin, (who’s 19 🙂 ) and my Aunty came to visit us from London. So i let them stay over, whilst Keiran was away. Great time had by all. I haven’t seen Ruby as happy as she was this Bank Holiday. I became super dooper independent over the Bank Holiday weekend and this morning has followed suit, I’m doing something that scares me a little each day this week, in order to keep my ‘buzz-a-luzz’ going and my happy dance alive once i’ve achieved it. The suns out, i’m sat by a carousel…my blogging environment couldn’t be more picturesque if i’m tried. But yeah, a weekend of lots of family, lots of children, lots of achieving. At one point there were generations and generations of Wunna girls, with the odd boy, all in a room at one point, from the ages of 80 something to 2 months old. (If you include Junior 🙂 ) It kinda made me want a giant family. However, there’s no point in having a giant family, if you can’t take care of them appropriately. Right now, two’s enough!  🙂

The love life…is still…well i can’t even find the words to describe it to you.It’s sad. Just not great. We’re still not talking. We’re being good to the children, yet ignoring one another. He told me that he would be away for work, yet didn’t tell me when he was coming back on purpose..which I don’t like. So, he decided to return at 4am Monday morning, by storming through the house, straight up the stairs and into his room. (You know your love life must be rubbish if he has ‘HIS OWN’ room. Lol. Now i think about it, it has occupied two of the upstairs rooms for himself and well, surely they could be children’s bedrooms?)

Anyway, after he stormed up at 4am, he found two little Asians sleeping in the bed. Pahaha. How cute. Yet, i guess when you’re Keiran, still in a mood, over worked, miserable with me and knackered, you don’t enjoy this. He burst their door open, then swiftly burst through mine, with a very loud whisper of ‘WHO THE FUCKS IN MY BED.’ That’s the first thing he has said to me in days. My Aunty heard his ‘angry whisper swear’ and now things he’s a hooligan.

I replied, half asleep with the children with a ‘my cousin and my aunty,’ He then just huffs and puffs and storms off after complaining about where HE was going to sleep. (Erm..how about telling people when you are returning, then you might have better arrangements made for you?) He leaves the house and goes to sleep somewhere else, even though he had other options like ‘with the kids and I’, or ‘on the sofa’. At that point I thought he was a twat…and rude.

Plus, even though we haven’t at all spoken or made any contact, whilst he was  away this time, which i’ve been assured is not a good sign ‘to say you’re married and part of a family Chrissie.’ I just haven’t been bothered to text him because he hurt me and he just hasn’t been bothered to text me because he doesn’t care…. I DID notice that, he didn’t ONCE call or text to check to see if they children were okay, or , if he wasn’t worried about their okayness, then he didn’t once send his love to them. I mean, he wouldn’t  be worried about they’re okayness anyhow…Mama Wunna is ACE. I’ve been Mummy of the Universe this Bank Holiday. I keep boasting about it because i’m so super proud that I had it in me. 🙂

But yeah regardless as to how he felt about me…no messages for Rubes or Junior…and i’m not used to that, as Pete and I are tremendously amicable  even after being broken up. We can talk about Ruby and her welfare quite easily. Infact, we spoke about his current love life the other day, without resentment.  He’s smitten with a girl that he’s dating in York and well it makes me happy to see him happy, as a happy man makes a good father, and when you share a baby..that comes in handy. Keiran and I aren’t even broken up, we’re MARRIED…and we’re not even talking or being amicable. It’s gotten a bit awkward now that i’ve left the building for the day, simply to be around a more positive environment. We’re certainly divided. But I actually feel quite mighty.

I’m upset that he didn’t want to discuss things with me before he left.. as something giant happened that needed to get resolved. Now it’s too late to resolve it, as it’s developed into more trouble, greater resentment and a yummy mist of quite petty silent treatment.’ We’re both stubborn creatures. Yet now i’ve securely got it into my system that he really doesn’t  are about me, let alone love me and although that hurts, if you don’t make someone happy…you just don’t make them happy and there’s nothing you can do about it really. He hasn’t actually said that. But it’s how he’s made me feel. So, although i’m chipper and who wouldn’t be when you’re lucky and grateful to have so much in your life…i’m not gonna lie… I sort of go through moments of feeling utterly heartbroken, but it’s a place i’ve been lots. 😉  If i listen to a sad song, i’ll cry. But then i’ll get distracted and forget about it all with a wiggle. I know i’m okay because i’m still being human. 🙂  I don’t think we know how to make it better now because we’re intent on making it worse for one another. I’m just going to listen and see if he’s at all sorry for anything or to see if he actually takes responsibility for any of his actions. Right now he’s knackered. But i’m a bit tired myself of ‘i’m knackered/i’m ill/i’m not happy’ Keiran. It’s not a good energy to spread when you’re meant to be the man of the house. Girls are allowed to be moody and reckless, because we’re hormonal and beautiful. Yet Men are meant to be sturdy like rocks. Yet they rarely ever are, are they? I’ve noticed that they’re  highly reliant on women…and almost every time, in any situation…we end up being their soft place to fall, not matter how much they try to disguise it. I’ve been told to remember what he’s done and that he must take responsibility for it, before he is forgiven, without trying to put the fault onto me.

We’re sort of living two separate lives under one ‘together’ roof. He does HIS thing….I do MY thing…and that’s kinda it. We don’t do any together things anymore and in relationships ‘together things’ are important because it is those little things that hold you together and make your bond stronger. I remember the little things, like the way someone looks at me, or the way they laughed at a certain time, or the way they cried when they were at their lowest. I feel like Keiran doesn’t make an effort to do ‘together’ things with me now, because during my pregnancy I was pretty anti- social (which is normal) and well I didn’t want to do ‘together’ things with him or anyone really. I was nesting and needed space. We’re very broken down right now and neither of us would ever want to be in feeling this unstable in our relationship. It’s like we’re surfing an emotional rollercoaster. Yet neither of us will be the first to back down..making us both immature or just no longer bothered.

A friend of mine asked me what I was going to do about it all and my simple answer was ‘I don’t know…?’ To me, just whatever happens…happens. Either way, i’ll adjust my sail appropriately…and it will eventually end in a smile and a glitter toss. I have my kids, my career and my world to keep me alive and ticking over with a *boom-chi-boom.* However, my friend did say something that I accidentally found quite interesting and that was that Keiran is the king at being Mr.Romance. Yet to them,  romance isn’t about producing a bunch of roses every so often, then messing up afterward. Romance is found in strength, like when a man fixes things and makes the lady of his world know that against all odds his heart beats so strong for her that he will always be her hero. Apparently like at the end of ‘Pretty Woman,’ when she leaves him because she feels he’s treated her a like a whore. Yet he chases her, finds her, quits doing whatever he’s doing, climbs up her fire escape, when he’s certainly terrified of heights and with absolutely sincere deep apologies, opens his heart and begs her to be his forever. That’s real romance because men never seem to be able to admit fault as easily as women. They can always buy you carnations. 🙂


Anyway, enough of all that! Forgot how much I love that movie.  Went to the petrol station yesterday evening to buy a quick bottle of red and some Monster Munch for Ruby. Get to the cashier and the older, yet attractive oriental lady behind the counter, who adores me for being glamourous, says, ‘Gosh, it must be really special to be you. You must have a rich husband or something, You always look glam and you drive a nice car and i’m here scanning chocolate bars and all sorts of shit. I don’t want to be doing this. What do you do? Something brainy? I’m not brainy like you. I want to open a boutique, but here I am doing this. I have a toy boy you know. I’m 43. He walked in here one day and asked me out. Here’s a picture of us. We’ve been shagging ever since.’

She said it all in one breath, i’m sure. I love that she adores me because i’m filled with a delicious amount of ego. I mean..of course it puts a smile on ya face, doesn’t it!It doesn’t make me blush, it simply gives me…well…an imaginary boner. 🙂 l But, I sort of like that she felt open enough to ‘blab on’ about all of the above to me. I get that a lot and at the oddest of times, Yet It’s a good habit. I love it and encourage it with a whole heart. I find it funny more than anything.

I smiled, I laughed, I grabbed my wine, replied with a ‘You can have you’re own boutique, you’ve just got to DO IT. Anyone can do anything, if they try.’ (God, i’m like cheesy preach book-central.) Then I quickly made sure the total came to £8.45 and left. (People keep pointing and asking me if there’s ‘anyone sitting here.’ I’m not even that NEAR the chair. Obviously no-one sitting there…because there’s no-one sitting  in it? I’m so confused??  🙂 It’s my Jenga Updo. It’s terrifying folk. I wish could go to the forest. I always feel good there.

I’m currently reading an article about a plastic surgeon who created his perfect wife, by taking a woman, who was a patient of his and who was also a mighty 40lbs heavier than she is today, asking her out, then asking her to marry him on their FIRST DATE and then giving her a...’ Brazilian butt lift, vaginal rejuvenation, labiaplasty and G-spot shot, liposuction to her chin, arms and legs and recently botox injections.’ INSANE! The lady is truly sure that he loves her for who she is. Erm…? 🙂 He just wanted a project and got one. He must be a control freak. She’s grateful because now she has the perfectly manicured body, for FREE…from being a bit of a ‘podge.’ Plus, she now not only has a  husband..but he is (to her) alright looking…and wealthy, which she never thought she could have. AND he probably enjoys the fact that she is forever indebted to him for making her beautiful and rich, so will forever be his minion. Their relationship works. They’re super happy.

Now, that i’ve blogged it out and i’ve read up on other people’s relationships…I don’t actually think mine’s so bad, after all. I actually now think we’re alright…Lol. Yay to dodgy plastic surgery relationships! We still need to talk. But i do think I can do this and make it all better.

On the Wunna news front…I’ve been asked to be a Motivational Speaker for a new brand that is going to be launching this September. I’m really excited about it and will tell you more once I have further details. Plus, i’m hoping for a column and all sorts of other goodies. 🙂  So, we’ll see! But the motivational speaking, I’ll be good at…in my own tragic way.

Anyway, must go. Don’t know how long this blog is…

Love today and enjoy the sun. Know that how your day pans out is purely how you intended it to. If you’re grumpy, snap out of it. 🙂

 

 

 

Picnic Party’s and Fairgrounds.

 

Having one of those Bank Holiday weekends where you’re proud to be a Mum. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m always highly proud of my loin fruit. However, to be honest, i’ve come a very long way from my Hollywood days, where I spent most of my time giving in to things and being tragic drizzled in booze and sequins. Even when I got back, I felt so desperate for love that I immediately chose the wrong boy, followed with the next wrong boy, which found me either getting stood up, selling myself short (due to my desperado-ness) or being used. But that was in London. Once I moved back, and shook myself together again. (I’ll always remember being so trashed after a boy didn’t love me many moons ago that I literally crawled around Kensington to my giant hotel suite. If you ever find yourself doing that…and in a white dress and diamonds…KNOW that you are with the wrong fella. 🙂 )

Anyway, got back to Yorkshire, felt loved, pulled my sexy socks up and got my act together. Worked hard, didn’t play at all, found a boy to ‘relationship with’ who i respected and along came Ruby. Time passed and although that relationship didn’t do ‘forever,’ it was okay because Pete and I to this day get on really well and because we birthed the most dotty little girl together. We’re not stupid enough to ruin her happiness.

Later came and I met another boy. One that swept me off my feet, who I had an immediate connection with. I was whole, stable and together by this point meaning I could judge the bond fairly. He liked me too and after weeks was down on one knee asking me to marry him. We married…and 9 months later…out popped my absolutely gorgeous little boy Junior.

This weekend has really solidified me as a MUM. When I say Mum, I don’t just mean the act of pushing a ‘delicious’ out of you privates, I mean it in the sense where you really serve your purpose. My LA friends are SO shocked that I would ever be a mum of two already. I hobbied handsomes and left them when they messed up. Or vice versa. Yet yesterday when I drove myself and my pretty little family, (minus any Daddy) to the fair, I felt strong, happy and sort of like a champion. I was beaming and ready to SNATCH the ‘Mummy of the year’ title from…well whoever has it. 🙂

I took to the kids to the fair and for a bit of shopping and well any time you find yourself stood next to a juggling clown, by a sandpit convincing your daughter that ‘he’s not that scary’ as she cowers away and asks you to win her a teddy..and ALL you want is to make sure you win her everything her heart desires…you know you’ve come a long way. (Well aside from the fact that we won a goldfish and I told the guy that she wasn’t allowed it, so she had to walk away with a fluffy toy banana instead. 🙂 )

We played, we won, Ruby jollied on rides, as Junior giggled and watched on. I felt like a proper mum…and like I was a lot better and a great deal more independent that I ever thought i was. I had lost that about it, as it had daunted me a little. Or men had. But I can do ANYTHING…and like…I really weirdly CAN. I’M ACE.

Both kids were a delight..but then they passed out. I mean, as if on hour at the fair kills’em like that. How are they gonna handle doing LIFE. The goo dthing is that my cousin and aunty have come up from London, meaning the kiddies are majorly tagged teamed. They’re ‘loved’ out. It’s tiring being adored, i’m telling you. They’ve had so much fun! I mean, even hiding in the loos from the hand dryer excited Rubes (see below)…life really couldn’t be much better.

My Baby Cousin with my Baby Girl. (Being forced to wear the sunglasses)

 

Passed out, after the fair.

Junior and his Aunty.

So yeah, all yesterday we did the fair, we committed to shopping and I drove them there myself…which is a BIG thing for me. I’m Queen Independence now.

Today has been about partying. And no I don’t mean cray, vodka stripped memories. I mean, a little boy at Ruby and Juniors nursery had his 3 yr old party today. Theme: Pinic, Party In the Park. (Posh Pinic, as his Mum Victoria says. #loveit.)

Rubes love a party and has been EXCITED for this for AGES. She adores Edwards and all her nursery friends, so today has been spent initially going to a big old family breakfast, then at the park for the party. Rubes rocked leopard print and yellow. 🙂 I always seem to dress her MADLY. Even one of the mums said, ‘Aww, it’s cute when you let them pick their own clothes out.’ Lol. She looked like a one foot tall Scary Spice. Junior slept through most of it, but each Mum eagerly awaited his ‘wake up,’ and once up, he was adored and ‘loved upon.’ It was like ‘Pass the Parcel’ but with a half Asian baby. The prize being cuddles. I don’t know how he managed to charm Mums…but he does and I love it. Rubes rushed around the entire park, loving every waking moment of life. She currently likes to do EVERYTHING ‘by myself,’ so I kinda have to let her get on with it…and i’m impressed. She’s quite independent for a little one. When she needs me she’ll tell me…which is just the way I am. So i get it. She wanted me to put her in the baby swing, yet didn’t want me to push her because obviously she can do it ‘by myself.’ Lol.

Two hours later and she didn’t want to leave. Junior pooed and poor Victoria ended up changing him on her knee, after I looked bewildered. ‘Where do I change him?’ I can’t believe i chose on some other mums knee.’ 🙂

But yes, they’re both pretty shattered and well Ruby has gone to Pete’s as I play with Junior at home.

His ‘Give me food Mam’ face.

I’m really proud of myself today because I always think I can’t manage the little things in lfe, but I can. I’ve done it all myself today and loved it. I’m impressed with myself, so i’ve treated myself to cake. Best cake ever is ‘victory’ cake.

Tomorrow is the last day of full on Mummying, before they go back to nursery, so i’m gonna make the most of it. I’m still doing something that scares me on a daily and it really is shocking myself and my system.

On the Keiran front and with my feelings..We haven’t spoken. I’m used my time wisely. I have missed him. I mean yesterday when my stubborness eased away and I felt happy, I missed him and in and out today I thought about him here and there. That’s what happens though isn’t it. You think about everything you’ve been through together and the times that you’ve shared. Yet i just don’t believe that he cares about me. I just need to balance things out a little and weigh how i feel emotionally. However right now, he’s not here and well what can you do but your best. Weirdly my best is really *swear here* GOOD! 🙂

I love being a mummy.

 

Luckiest Platform Ever.

 

Platform 1. A great platform to be chilling on. This is how I chilled on Platform 1 today..

 

…which led to one of the luckiest days i’ve had in months!

Right, so last night life was great. The home was filled with calm, happy, cheeriness. There was no tension. No awkwardness. Just Ruby, Junior and I…equipped with smiles & whole hearts.

Keiran (who i’m not actually speaking to) had gone away to work for a week and well i felt like I could finally breathe. He had been a massive ball of stress and negativity, tried to spread it through the family by moaning, yet instead decided to just take it out on me. His last words were a blank faced, ‘I’ll be back in a week’ (as he peered through a gap in the bedroom door.) Followed by ‘Send the kids my love,’ which was code for ‘i’m stating that i don’t wish you anything,’ as it was delivered with a very deliberate attitude.

All was well at home. Ruby had been gleefully skipping around all evening, as Junior giggled and bounced around with his ‘clever hands’ in his bouncy chair. Time was flying by. Rubes didn’t want to go to bed, as playing had got the better of her. I was relaxed. I was happy. I was texting. THEN at around 8.30pm the patio door *flusts* open and in throws Keiran, who says nothing, walks through the living room and straight into the kitchen, after making eye contact with me and then just ignoring me.

As soon as he entered Wunna land immediately filled with tension, stress and a hideous swirl of  the negative…and without a cherry on top. It felt awful. He then came in and joyously played with Ruby and Junior…with short digs  delivered toward me by, via the fine art of an abrupt body language. He paced around, in between bit of playing with the children and then had the cheek to turn around and say to me, ‘WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT THE YOU HAD SIGNED FOR THE BATTERIES!!??! THEY WERE DELIVERED HERE AT 12.15, BEFORE I HAD LEFT. YOU SIGNED FOR THEM AND DIDN’T TELL ME.’ Again, he delivered this with an angry ‘sonic boom’ of negativity…all bitchy…and idiotic.

I mean, there is certainly something very wrong with a man who chooses that to be the very first thing he says to the girl he has chosen to marry. I’m angry at him for what has happened and for his dismissive attitude, which later became dolloped over with deceit and trying to screw me over, after I had just aided his welfare. I have reason not to speak to him. He has reason to apologize. The thing is when by the time he left, we were still not speaking, but he sort of said ‘bye’ as he walked out of the door..in a fashion that ‘maybe’ stated that he deep down wanted some kind of union. I said nothing then. I ignored him. The thing is when you have an major disagreement and when it hasn’t been immediately settled, (he dismissed me when I tried to talk,)  it begins to grow way out of control and soon the littlest things like a parcel, turn into an argument..and this grows and grows and grows. Plus, if you’re filled with negativity towards that person, you see the story in a distorted light.

Long story short, the parcel that he shouted at me for, (that he in his ‘distorted light’ decided to place his own version of events onto) actually arrived AFTER he had left. So once again, just as he had done the previous day, had jumped to his own version of the truth and bollocked me for it. A trait of his that i’ve been sick of for months. My mum was even here when his parcel came and I later proved that particular point, when she arrived which left him with ‘egg on his face’ and a his tail between his legs. My first parcel even came AFTER he had left and he knows this because I WASN’T EVEN HOME when he was packing to leave. HE WAS. (Oooh and thanks Ann Summers for my pressie. Please all don’t forget that i’m part of the ‘O’ team and I currently have a toy being sold on the shelves of Ann Summers, as part of the range. It’s the purple ‘Learning Curve’ for your ‘bum bum,’ 🙂 GO BUY IT, so i can have my ego massaged.)

Anyway his answer to all this was, ‘Well I was TOLD it was signed for at 12.15 by YOU.’ He said it bitchily, instead of appropriately. I mean an ‘Oh gosh, i’m sorry,’ wouldn’t have gone a miss. Followed by a ‘I must’ve been told the wrong time.’ Instead he AGAIN accused me of doing something I hadn’t and when you’re already in trouble for conclusion jumping …it’s not great to maybe make the same mistake THE NEXT DAY. Ladies…good men know how and when to say sorry! This like the day before yesterday cancel out romantic anniversary getaways. I’m weirdly finding life quite comfortable without him and that’s odd really isn’t it?

So for a moment yesterday evening, I had a nasty surprise of him returning. However, the good thing was that after an hour….he left. As soon as he left, life went back to normal and my heart filled with joy once more and the air misted over with a candy coloured harmony of love bunny. He only had to come home to pick up the package, so hopefully he WILL actually be gone for the rest of the time now. I don’t appreciate bad surprises. (Please do send me gifts fans. 🙂 I like good surprises…and gifts, gifts, gifts! 🙂 But not ones that you have jilted out of your willy. And I am referring to spunk and not children. I have 2 already. )

Woke up this morning and we had never been so delighted. Both kiddies were oddly so well behaved because the tension had lifted and life was back to ‘free.’ Junior and I cuddled and giggled at each other, until Ruby woke up. Then we all ventured down stairs to get ready for nursery and watch a little Peppa Pig. (I spent part of the evening having to decipher, each and every Peppa Pig pasta shape with Ruby last nigh before she ate them. She’s never had them before because she’s always craved salmon or steak. But yesterday she really wanted them for some reason and it was a joy for my bank balance. A 1 minute meal for 53p. THANK YOU LORD. She just had it as a snack, yet being the control freak that she is, before she ate any of them she HAD TO KNOW which character each pasta shape was! I mean, I don’t flipping know. Half of them were arms less, broken and headless. It looked like the hospitalized version of the show. But if I said the wrong thing, she wouldn’t accept my carelessness. She knew if I was really trying hard to guess, or just fobbing her off. In the end she simply stuffed them into her mouth, laughing as I looked at her and said, ‘Rubes..Mummy doesn’t get it. Just eat them.’ It’s like she enjoys to mentally manipulate people. Not another one! What is this family!!!! My two year old can already tease me and mind game me. She even gets sarcasm already. She’s two!)

This morning everything changed. My mum picked the kids up and took them to nursery and I actually had the morning to myself to just chill for an hour and do my face, get showered, get ready and go to my meeting. I through on the ‘Corporate Barbie’ dress and weirdly decided that I was brave enough to figure out how to drive somewhere, that I couldn’t for the life of me, with my zero sense of direction, know how to get to.,..even though i’ve been a million times. Once i knew that it would be stupid for a taxi to take me on a journey that is literally 7 minutes by car, I winged it…and went for it….and at the last minute, so i could’ve missed my train.

I get super scared when driving because i never know where i’m going. But today…and even though i panicked and got lost in the woods, but found a farmer who laughed at me and gave me proper directions, (I was literally driving up a dirt lane in the middle of numerous giant fields, all alone, in my silver Mercedes, dressed as ‘Corporate Barbie’ with Britney Spears playing in my car and stopped a young boy farmer to help. He thought I ‘wasn’t from these parts.’ I from ‘up the road a little.’ I just just co-ordinate an outfit a bit better and have a mum who can buy me a car as a Christmas gift.

Bottom line…I DID IT. I got there! AND I WAS THERE ON PLATFORM 1….EARLY FOR MY TRAIN!!! What the fuck! You have never in your life seen a happier me. I was so over the moon I was literally CHEERING and LEAPING. It was like I had just found the winning lottery ticket. I swear. I was that much of a joyous idiot.

I never loved Platform 1 more than I did today and I guess because I was filled with so much positive energy, (I literally glowed and kept doing that face where you mouth can’t stop smiling, even when you’re trying to make it stop,) my day when from good… to better… to EVEN FLIPPING better!

So much happened. I found money. I got to my meeting, which was an interview early. My taxi driver only charged me half the fair because I was sweet to him. Juniors modelling agent called because he might be in for his first ever job shortly. (He’s 2 months old. Lol) My interview went really well. I had good hair. The weather was sunny. Then my train that I thought I would miss ended up being delayed and I managed to get on it. I travelled to Doncaster and bought me some sight, had giant burger, received a few loving text messages. I got money off my train ticket, after I accidentally bought the wrong one without realizing….then once i got to my car, i randomly just drove…and a completely different way to the route I arrived, simply because it was wrong and I was stranded. Not that i am shit at ‘just driving around.’ I’m not scared of much, but i’m scared of being lost in a car. I’m so defeated by it and I don’t know why? It terrrifies me. But within a few minutes, I randly took a wrong turn, knew where I was and then all of a sudden found myself outside my house!!! I DID AGAIN!!! I’m like some ‘sense of direction’ genius now. Going to prove that YOU REALLY SHOULD try and do something that scares you each day. Not because it’s a cliched saying…but because when you actually accomplish it, be it the smallest thing to the tallest…you actually feel so over the moon, that your entire system buzzes with happiness. It’s an addictive feeling. I’m SO PROUD OF MYSELF. I independently drove somewhere without knowing where I was going and got there and back with a smile.

Now, i’m home, relaxed and SO HAPPY that it is FRIDAY. Happy Bank Holiday WEEKEND everyone!! I have my kiddies to pick up from nursery and once i Have they are ALL MINE for the ENTIRE LONG WEEKEND. I couldn’t be more excited. I have so much planned. Plus, my Aunty and cousin are coming up. Life is wonderful.

The best thing about my journey was also the fact that I passed a fun fair whilst on the train. So, me being greatness….got off that at stop, ran over to it, bought Ruby some candy floss, a sugar dummy and a giant swirl rock lolly..she loves them and got on the next train back home.

As I tweeted…only the BEST MUMS come home with fun fair candyfloss for their two year old after a long day of work meetings and interviews. She’ll be so excited!

On the train with the goods! I had to do sneaky shots so people didn’t think I was lame for taking pictures of myself on a train.

After this moment, a very drunk, one eye opened musician shouted out to me and said, ‘YOU HAVE A GREAT SET OF LEGS.’ He then seemed to pass out in sheer drunkardness straight afterward. (Reminded me of the two times I passed out in LA. Both over being depressed because a boy didn’t love me, expect one was after tequila..in my car…after I puked on myself. And the other was in West Hollywood outside a Gay Bar on a merry go around. Luckily my gays saved me, but then ‘hit’ on my male, lawyer m, who was apparently just in his pants and dumped me on the sofa like I was some kinda dead body…in glitter. Thank God life has moved on from my 20’s! 🙂

But yeah, the drunk musician fully passed out. I don’t know if he’ll ever wake up again, yet the good thing is that at least my ‘pins’ were the last thing he saw! 😉

Keeping it sexy!

Love you.

C x

ps/ Eww…i’ve just been upstairs and he’s actually even BEEN HOME whilst I was out today. More lies. Fun. So much for ‘i’m at work.’

D is for DRAMA…

 

Ruby made ‘hotel night’ worth it, otherwise it would’ve been a pointless waste of money. I had booked the evening before because I wanted my little baby bundle of daughter to fulfill her wish of going to a fun, but luxury swimming pool. (The ‘fun’ parts for her. The ‘luxury’ part is for me and simple because I really can’t do a community leisure centre. 🙂 ) Rubes adores going swimming…and at the same time adores a hotel. (I’ve taught her well.) Anyway, I booked it and I also thought it would be a good treat for my husband, who for the past month been miserable, stressed, tired and lost.

The day of ‘Hotel night’ Ruby skipped into nursery in utter excitement, boasting with giddiness with the knowledge of the evening she had planned ahead. Fun! Fun! Fun! When you’re a mum and you see your loin fruit that excited about anything…it kinda gives you what I call ‘the mummy glow,’ any mum who doesn’t get that ‘glow’ isn’t a proper mum. I shouldn’t really leave the daddies out should I? But there’s a ‘daddy glow’ also. I’m feeling sexist today.

But yeah…Keiran…couldn’t be bothered with ‘hotel night.’ He had far too much stress to nurture and far too much work to find important.  He radiated a joyous (excuse my sarcasm) attitude of ‘can’t be arsed-ness,’ which sort of made me feel down because like anyone, if you’ve planned something for the family to enjoy, you kinda hope that the family will…well….enjoy it. Keiran’s *busy-busy* annoyance turned my dolly eyes ‘dim’ and took the bounce out of my brightness. I was grumpy all morning…and when you add a period to all  that pokery, it’s exceptionally delightful. *Reaches for her tampons.*

Now, I don’t mind being being moody and stressed provided they don’t make ME moody and stressed and they are ab,e to laugh it off, or spearate work stress from home life…which is a trait that my husband fails to learn. The evening before, he should’ve just stated that he didn’t wish to go on a ‘Hotel Night,’ because he was far too busy. But he didn’t. I asked. He agreed. I paid. Done.

I was no longer excited, because he was acting weird. I was then acting weird and well i wanted to pick the children up from nursery early drive them over there and treat them to an extra long swim, lunch, play area session and all sorts, with dinner. I wanted to leave at 1pm, to check in at 2pm. He knew this. So at 1.28pm, he tells me that he has a massage booked for 3pm. WHAT! I was so fed up with him by this point, because he wanted me to go ahead and pick the children up without him, as he would rock up later. That’s not family time. Neither is a massage. That’s not even WORK.

In my pissed- offiddness, I simply say ‘Yeah, yeah, whatever, we’ll go after your massage,’ and I felt really bad for Ruby because nursery had gotten her all excited for the family swimming pool adventure. She loves us all to be there and she loves a good old time. My heart sank. 🙁 Then i resented him.

He comes back at 4.20pm, does more work, packs a bag, grooms…whatever else he found more important than family and then we picked the children up, no, not at 1.30pm, but at 5.30pm.  I was no longer excited, almost heart broken. But seeing Ruby’s little ‘i’m going swimming ‘ face pulled me out of the slum ad got me back in action. Every day she saves my life. Lol 🙂

I drove everyone to the hotel. checked in, Keiran muddled the children and the bags in, still being grumpy and half distant with the family. He sort of blocked Ruby & I out and palmed us off with fake smiles, or just moodiness.

As soon as we got to the room, which was lovely might I add, Ruby changed into her swim suit, I whopped on my leopard print bikini,  for some reason Keiran and I  couldn’t come up with a plan of action. I kept asking him what was going on and all he would say was well I want to work out, go to the steam room and then do my…(all I heard was ‘I…I…I…me….me…ME.’

He asked me what was going on…I told him I was taking Ruby swimming…and I did. I even spoke to the lady at the leisure, spa desk to see if Junior was allowed to come. He was..we thought he wouldn’t be, so instead of Keiran sitting in a room looking after Junior, which he hated..whilst Ruby & I had fun, I figured he could come to the pool also with Junior and take part in ‘family swim time.’ Didn’t quite work out that way…

Rubes and I went into the baby pool did the baby jet springs, the slide, swimming, played with the Ruby duckies in a private glassed-off section. Keiran comes about half an hour later, a bit more chipper because now he can do whatever it is HE WANTED to do. I let him simply because he would’ve been miserable otherwise. In my world, the children’s needs come first. I mean, holy shit, I was having a period. THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO WAS GO SWIMMING. I would’ve liked to have chilled and got rubbed down, or sat in a hot tub. But no, I did the whole whack with her and simply because she loved it. #mummytrophyplease

Anyway, he dropped Junior off and went off to do his own thing, which was fine, it made everything better. Junior was asleep the entire time, Ruby played, giggled and delighted in splashing me and I pouted and winked in a leopard ‘whatsit.’ In my world, family time’ is about ‘Family.’ You sacrifice what you might want to do, to have these moments of family. But i don’t push people to do anything, I let them make their own decisions, which is always bad I think with folk who have ventured out of the armed forces. I actually had this conversation with a police woman yesterday. She said, from a very young age, the people in the special forces, are told what to do, what to wear, where to go…they don’t have to thin for themselves. (her sons in the Navy.) Coming out into a world where they are responsible for their own choices scares them…because they are them also held responsible for the consequences of their actions…personally. I didn’t know they got told what to do all the time? Maybe that’s why Keiran went through a giant rebellion of ‘I’ll do what I want, when I want.’ Who knows? But whatever…it was shit.

After swim time, my 2 year old had had enough and wanted to get changed. I looked after the two of them, got Ruby dried and changed, then we all chilled in the bar lounge area waiting for ‘daddy’ as Ruby played in the soft play area. SHE LOVED IT.

It felt like ages…and Keiran wanted us to wait for him. Rubes was knackered…swimming does that to you. Junior was hungry…he was crying his eyes out…after waiting and waiting..which isn’t long in adult time, but mighty long in 2 yr old time, we left and I took then both back to the hotel room for a feed, water and a bed time. It’s hard work carrying Junior around in a car seat cradle at the same time as running after Rubes. I have rubbish working arms. I’m not strong. But since Keiran was nowhere to be found..i did it myself anyway.

We even had to miss dinner, because it was all too late. Hence why i wanted to get to the hotel much much EARLY. I’m not an idiot, I do make sense.

The kiddies pass out and Keiran eventually gets back to the room, after calling me and being angry that i didn’t text him to tell him we were back on the room. In Wunnaland, there was no time for texting. I was doing ‘family’ hour with the kids…Rubes was being hilariously nutty and I was chasing her madly. I left a message with the attendants..who didn’t tell him.

By the time he got back, the evening was over…

He felt the whole of family time ‘DOING HIM.’ He wanted to do ‘family time’ when it suited him and not when it suited Rubes.

I’m angry at him, but we’re getting along. He orders a chinese takeaway and we just go to bed. The only thing that made that entire evening and morning awesome, was RUBES and her mad happiness. She adores breakfast in a hotel. All the staff end up loving her and she flaunts around smiling and waving at them like they’re fans. 🙂 She even went up to reception and said, ‘I’ve done a smelly poo.’ 🙂 Hurrah!

The next morning, Keiran was moody, stressed ,didn’t want to do much and moaning about his work load. He also didn’t feel well, so I took him to the Doctors, who booked him in for a chest x-ray.

The Doctor had actually told him that if he didn’t calm down and wasn’t able to find a balance and make ‘free time’ enjoyable, he wouldn’t make it until the end of the year. I have my own idea of why he’s ill all the time.No-one that ill and tired for that long. But yeah..i was supernice to him that day and simply because I felt bad for him. He was hideous to me all day and complaining that I was ‘nice’ to him. He felt like I was up to something.

His whole ‘you’re up to something’ notion is now pissing me off. If i’m a bitch, i’m ‘up to something.’ If i’m nice…i’m up to something. If i’m breathing, i’m up to something. If i’m texting…i’m up to something. I dont like tabs and being accused of things that don’t relate to me, nor to I enjoy being checked up on, nor do I enjoy people with those personality types because usually THEY’RE the ones who are up to something and their own guilt reflects onto you. They push it on you..and i have no idea why?

Long story short, the day ends badly, really badly. He gets more and more stressed. The only time he wasn’t stressed was when he was laid on the sofa watching some movie about ‘The Rock’ being a Tooth fairy. Have you seen it? It’s actually quite cute. I love movies right now. I used to hate them when I was younger but maybe because Mike used to lovingly force me to watch movie after movie after movie all the time. 🙂 I appreciate that time NOW, that i’m older. In fact due to that time, i now have excellent taste in films. Yeah Baby. And I do what the ones with him in them, even though I think he’s a better actor than what I’ve seen on screen.

The afternoon went sour. Really sour.

There i was texting Wazza about a new dating site that I’m wanting to do. We’d both been trying to find a domain name that hadn’t been registered, but OMG it was being impossible. I was on my pink laptop searching frantically..and as I was, down trundles Keiran all ‘busy-busy-work-busy’…all stressed and well nothing new or original.

I don’t know what’s happened, but he finds a scrap of paper to write on and on that scrap of paper is a number for a debt management company, that I now know my MUM had somewhere in the house, when she was writing it down for a friend at work. It was even ON her work’s paper. (She actually came over yesterday evening completely upset because she felt responsible for it all and like it was her fault. Someone elses anger management problems are not HER fault.)

Anyway, he angrily half enters the room with his body, holding up this random bit of paper that I had never seen in my life and begins saying, ‘WHAT’S THIS? THIS IS YOURS! IT’S YOUR WRITING. YOU’RE IN DEBT AND YOUR HIDING IT FROM ME.’ But he was by now being evil. I told him that it wasn’t my writing and I had never even seen it in my entire LIFE.

I mean whocares??? It’s nothing to do with me. But no, he couldn’t take my answer and kept pressing it and pressing it and even Googled it like an idiot, that I had finally had enough, I got up and told him to quit accusing me of EVERYTHING and him finding a random scrap of paper with writing on it and finding an excuse to fight, was like ME going through all his business cards from women and stating that he was sleeping with them all. How stupid!

AGAIN…like the incident before, he was stressed and he wanted to fight so he found the smallest thing, let his stress and insecurity come up with a story, because he thinks he knows everything…and he took it out on ME. Bu the went to far. I’d had enough. If i’m smiling, he questions it. If I’m upset, he hates it. How messed up in the head must he be to be like that.

Lets just say he took his stress out on me to a point where my ‘Wunna’ line of tolerance had been stepped over. I was crying. He was being angry. Then 2o minutes later, he was sat alone, in a place, where he was left to ponder the consequences  of such idiotic behaviour. You don’t mess with me, try and be smug, be completely wrong and then think i’m weak and won’t stand my ground. *Wrong Answer.* AND ALL WOMEN SHOULD BE THAT WAY. Don’t let a foolish male walk all over you and think that they are mighty. I even said to him, ‘Just because you feel a loss of control and small, don’t try and make me feel tiny to boost your ego.’  Real men makes things better. Not worse. Little boys do that.

I actually had a busy night.

When he left, I got my beautiful little kiddiwinks…and we had the BEST family night  ever. I had to be on the phone for parts of it and I had  numerous visitors…but Rubes, Junior & I cuddled, giggled and enjoyed. Grandma came over to make ‘Mummy’ smile. It was an emotional evening…again not good when you add a period.

Later that evening when both children had gone to bed and I was re-watching’ ‘The social network’ (I love that movie) i got a late night phone call explaining things to me, what I wanted and what I felt. I had phone calls all evening, that kept me in the loop of things. THEN much later on, I was read something down the phone and well I was highly displeased with what my ears were HEARING. It was a aural copy of the words that had splurted out of my darling husbands mouth, in regards to myself, my manner and his opinion of me.

From…that point i knew that i could never trust him with the art of truth telling. He’s a man who will do whatever it takes to get what he wants in life and win. He’ll say and do ANYTHING, even if it’s inaccurate and i’ve been through this with him millions of times to win.

That hurt me and I cried…and I cried because 20 minutes early I had made a decision on something that would help him, because I didn’t want him to be hurt. So whilst I was trying to cushion his fall, he was trying to stab me in the back.

I’ll never forget what he said and how he tried to manipulate a situation and well you all know how much i’ve been through this behaviour, with s#silly boy’ men…and whether we get passed it all and iron it all out. Or whether we don’t…now, my eyes are open and what they’re seeing, they are not really liking. How sly!

This morning I was going to relax and give him the benefit of the doubt. I asked him to briefly talk to me…he didn’t have time to, because he wanted to work and ignore me. He then dismissed it until next week when he is ready. He didn’t even respect me enough to turn around and look at me when I was talking. In that moment i felt better than him.

He’s lost sight of the things that are important in life. It’s not my fault he’s stressed. But he made it my fault. He always hates it when I blog bits like this about him, but this is MY truth and well you always have to be weary of men who say that. Now, i know why… But do know, that you read above is only a third of the actual story. It’s already highly edited. This IS the edited version to me. Yet he still tried to use it against me. #Tut #Tut# Badform. #didn’twin

I’m also now concerned because that was quite a hoo-haa over my financial situation, wasn’t it? My finances are quite jolly right now and i’m very cautious of a gent or people in general who are soooo terribly worried or concerned about MY money. It’s like he thinks that if it’s not being spent on him then it can’t really be there? Odd concept. Where I come from…boys usually do the spending. He splurges on me now again, but now i think he does it simply just to attempt to keep me sweet. Like I said, that’s an awful lot of hoo-haa the dosh of another. So it’s left me questioning his motives. Was it about money? Or was it about stress?

But anyhow, he’s now gone for a week of work. He’s away. I’m excited for the bank holiday and can’t wait to spend every moment of it with my babies. 🙂 🙂 🙂 I feel free and even though I don’t feel protected or truly loved in a romantic manner right now… (He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t even care. I’m not even worth listening to. 🙁 ) I’m still really grateful for all that have…I’m not just good looks and boobies anymore. 🙂 *Wink-wink* Oh shut up! 🙂 I’m thankful, I have my priorities right, I’m lucky and tomorrow i have a ginormous interview. That’s the good thing  about me, I get over my pity party fast..and cling onto a better time. I never forget how to smile…even during the toughest times. I can laugh it off…with my fingers crossed and a wish is floating on some star.

I have one job keeping me waiting. I have Keiran making the wrong decision to keep me waiting because I wasn’t worth his ear time this morning..My simple and straight answer to all of that is…

I’m Chrissie Wunna.

I don’t wait a week. He’s hurt me now..and I feel betrayed, as if you exaggerate something and try to use something against someone that you claim to actually care about. ;( Only bad eggs do that. Y’know, it’s unfortunate because we’re best friends and he’s really great at doing the romantic part, which makes me think that he adores me. But when it comes to the messing up part, he’s never ever man enough to just turn around, look me in the in eye when he’s been wrong and simply say ‘I’m sorry,’ but mean it, with all of his heart.  When you’ve been a previous trouble maker, you can tell a real ‘sorry’ from a pretend ‘sorry.’ He never gives me a real ‘sorry’ when he’s well and truly ballsed up.

 

So to all of you who may be going through a bit of a struggle, stress or hard time, find the light at the end of the tunnel, in you forget to smell the roses on your journey that’s YOUR OWN FAULT and only YOU can change it, but the first thing to realize is that you have to see fault, own it, be responsible for it. The just slap a plaster and keep on smiling. Then you can shake it off and gallop ahead to success.

I’m gonna do well and because I can feel it in every inch of my system right now. I’m excited. Fold away a bad time and focus on the good and make magic happen…and rum cocktails.

There’s beauty in struggle…but kind of only if you get it right in the end. 🙂

 

 

 

Blackpool, Eyes & Stress Balls.

 

I have never felt as STRESSED as I feel right now. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, other than the fact that the Good Lord has blessed me with my rather jolly ‘time of the month.’ I feel all hormonal and angry and well to say that I also had to SLEEP in my contact lenses last night, due to Specsavers forgetting to send me my new batch of sight ON TIME AGAIN, things aren’t running so greatly today. I’m exhausted, after 3 hours sleep. (I sleep in a room with newborn Junior and ‘needs mummy’ Ruby, as Keiran sleeps in a room to himself because he’s ‘ever so tired.’ Lol. It’s cute innit. I get zero sleep, as he snoozes away and ‘recovers.’ Lovely. 🙂 I think Keiran sort of thinks it’s MY job to do it because i’m a girl. Hmm…? (That’s right feminists..GET HIM!) However, to be honest, it’s not something I mind that much and simply because it makes me feel as though I’m parenting well i’m  always THERE for the ‘winkles’ on an evening…and all mums love that. I loved it with my parents. So I might moan, but deep down i know i’m doing everything right. I’m being a mum and loving it. I’m shit at my wifey duties though. They still suck balls.

So, I had had an extremely eventful last week… luncheons with millionaires and anniversary’s with romantic husbands… and all sorts of  merry ‘hoopla.’ Then Saturday came and we were all up early, packing and getting ready to bundle into the car and drive to Blackpool to Keiran’s Uncle’s wedding. (‘Uncle Charlie’ is his name.)

Things aren’t easy with two lovely bits of loin fruit. It was hilarious. I had had zero sleep, due to monsters and nightmares, and pooey wind, with a side of uncomfortable bellies…then had to wake up pack overnight, going away bags for three different humans and do it at the speed of light, get ready and make sure nothing was forgotten about. It’s surprising how much you actually have to pack when you have a 2 yr old and a newborn. LOTS!! I must have rushed around all morning, to the point where I didn’t even find time to shower, do my hair or anything. I just threw in one of my dressed that I intended to wear for the wedding with a pair of shoes and kept my fingers crossed that I’d fit into it. The entire time when I packed the bags and rushed around, whilst entertainment both Ruby and Junior during the packing…Keiran…groomed. He relaxed, picked out his clothes, got showered did his hair…asked for the hairspray, packed HIS OWN bag and came down stairs once he was ready.

We all then rushed and bundled into the car and headed to Blackpool. Rubes was excited because we kept telling her she was going to a party and It felt good to finally have a sit down, after such a busy morning. The journey was comical and hideous all at the same time. It CHUCKED IT DOWN. Rained like the crazies. In fact there was point in the during the trip up where I just looked at the windscreen which was being hurtled with rain droplets and insanely swishing wipers and thought ‘this is England.’ Not only that, but we were short for time, as the ceremony was to begin at 2pm, we had to check into the guest house and we weren’t changed, dressed or anything…with our cars mudflap hanging off and dragging and an actual WHEEL of the car infront of us FALLING OFF the poor vehicle. It was madness. It was insane. But luckily the kids had fallen asleep in the back.

As soon as we got to the guest house, we briefly said ‘hello’ to the rest of his family, scooted the kiddies upstairs, got in our room and holy shit, it was like  HURRICANE was hitting it. We thundered around that room like an angry whirl of madness. There was hairspray, suits, lace dressed, glitter, baby bottles, stilettos, nappies and hair bands flying all over the place. I got Ruby ready, Junior suited and booted and then Keiran returned from the laundry room, after ironing his shirt and my dress. We threw them on, met everyone down stairs and whizzed off to the wedding.

It was a sweet wedding. Loving and simple. His Uncle Charlie is much older and even HE choked up when he had to make his speech. I love old romantics, as they keep my faith in true love alive. Plus, any older man that asks a lady to marry him is sweet. I mean at that age, you don’t think you’ll ever really get married again, which goes to show you that you really can find love, no matter where, no matter when.

Keiran and I had chilled by this point. The madness was over, so we could finally relax and enjoy. We enjoyed it and settled. he nursed Junior, I played with Baby Rubes. All was perfect…then Ruby whispers to me, mid ceremony and says, ‘I don’t want to be sat here in someone’s house. I want to PARTY.’ 🙂

Firstly, the house was a church ceremony room. Secondly…she then shouted it out across our churchy bench to Keiran, because I had told her to ‘shhh.’ What she shouted…? ‘Daddy, I want to PARTY.’ THEY WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CEREMONY. But it was cute. It wasn’t actually that loud. All the kiddies had their ‘shouty’ moment. 🙂 Once the ceremony was over she dragged me out of there in order to search for a ‘good time,’ literally leading me astray. Luckily she found a church play room and adopted a toy Dalmatian that she carried around the entire time like she was Miss.Hilton. All these young strapping 4 year old boys kept hitting on her. But she blanked them like a ‘Diva’, grabbed her toy puppy and strutted back to Mummy & Daddy. 🙂 #goodgirl

Rubes was really good throughout the wedding. Yet towards the end the ‘just sitting’ got the better of her and cabin fever got a cracking. She loves a party does my little wee one, so all this speech giving was ‘major loooong’ to her. She wanted dance music and a two step.

The rest of the wedding was enjoyed. We had lunch, toasted the couple, had fun with the kiddies and then we all went back to the guesthouse to drink wine, banter and eat fish and chips. It was that good old ‘family time,’ that we shared. Then whilst Rubes was madly running around the joint, kissing glass french doors with my MAC lipstick on and booty dancing, inbetween spurts of tantrum, whenever she felt tired…Keiran and I got carried away with the fact that Junior was in a suit. YES, WE FOUND A 3 MONTH OLD SUIT, for our 2MONTH OLD baby boy from Monsoon and he looked adorable. He was all waist coated up at  the actual wedding, then once back at the hotel, he chilled with his waist coat off, his tie hanging to one side and his pinstripe shirt untucked. He looked like a tiny business executive. We took advantage of this moment and Kodaked the hell out of it. I instagramed EVERYTHING.

 

I was having a really great time and slurping down red wine like hangovers didn’t exist. Luckily it was bed time for me. BUT OMG…Keiran made the foolish option to stay up, go out and get wasted.

Blackpool party boy Keiran BURSTS into our hotel room at God Knows what time shouting ‘I’VE WON THE JACKPOT, I’VE WON THE JACKPOT!!’ He was gleefully bouncing around the room, giddy and excited, all drunk and with party hands. His jackpot looked like a few pound coins and change to me. He was acting like Blackpool was Vegas. Like I Tweeted…WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, STAYS IN VEGAS, BUT WHAT HAPPENS IN BLACKPOOL…SHOULDN”T.’

Keiran hasn’t gone on a party spree in ages…so it knocked him for six and he passed out, naked ontop of the sheets. Do bare in mind we were ALL in that room, so he woke Baby Junior up decided to trump repeatedly, then Ruby got all unsettled and lost her mind a little in her sleep.

Payback was in the morning. He had the worst, couldn’t move hangover ever. He actually felt ill. It was hilarious. He was a cute drunk, filled with whole hearted excitement so i didn’t think too much of it all. He’s allowed fun. But fun these days kicks him in the knackers and tells him to fuck off. So, I got Ruby up for breaky at 8am and as he tried to make me smuggled him up eggs, i refused to, strutted out and shut the door behind me. 🙂 I’m good like that. You WILL pay for your crimes in Wunnaland. 🙂

He made it to breakie, we all got packed up and then the whole Thompson family and I trundled up the promenade for a stroll in the a CRAZY WIND. We wanted to take Ruby to the seaside, but the weather was so hideous we had to let her settle for the amusements and ‘looking out the window’ at stuff. 🙂 The funny thing is…SHE LOVED IT. I’d never seen her so happy.

By this time Keiran could no longer SEE, Junior (who we dressed as a hip hop executive)

…was asleep in a blanket and Ruby had been on every ride going…so it was certainly time for home. Blackpool was OVER.

We got home and we all kipped.

The End.

I had an eventful week.

 

Life has been great since, apart from getting my period. I’ve turned all moody now and can’t like anything without having a grumble.

I couldn’t stand yesterday so I booked us into a hotel for this evening to relieve stress. I’m SO STRESSED. Keiran’s acting like he doesn’t even want to go, but has to. Typical.

So much has happened today and i’ve scored a couple more interviews, which I really do need, after being sick of waiting around.

I’m having a wine and trying to relax.

As soon as we’ve got the kiddies from nursery, to the hotel we venture and then we RELAX.

Bring it ON! (I HOPE MY CONTACT LENSES COME SOON. I’m blind, sore and bleeding. On the ‘sexy’ scale…i’m ‘super thumbs down.’)

 

Go…Go…Gooooooooooo

 

Afternoony all! Hope you’re all delicious. Hope you’re all grateful that it’s Friday and reaching for that glitzy little light at the end of the very long tunnel. I feel like I’ve had the busiest of weeks EVER dudes & to say it all began in me wallowing around in utter 5*luxury….I’M ABSOLUTELY STRESSED, knackered and once again in need of a holiday to unwind. If I can’t take an eventful week, how the hell can I take a lifetime. 🙂 *Rolls diamante coffin in.* I now want a trip to the forest. (I enjoy how random that sounds. It’s almost as if i venture off into the woods, like Goldilocks..but more Asian, bitchy and with boobs… to harass bears and find peace.)

But yes, checked out of the Wensleydale suite Tuesday at noon, although glum I was brought back to life by Ruby racing out of nursery smiley with relief, shouting ‘MUMMY, MUMMY’ because she had missed me. I have an affection little daughter and well it’s uplifting to know that i’ve created a being who is exceptionally loving. (Until it’s bed time.) The rest of Tuesday was spent wishing we we’re ALL  at Oulton Hall enjoying the spa and recovering lost time with my little babies. I have GREAT children. I then had to get to bed early as I was headed to London the next day to lunch with some of the Ann Summers ‘O’ Team girls from ‘Sex Toy Story’ and of course the fabulous Jacqueline Gold herself, (not forgetting the wonderful ‘PR Sophie’ and the tremendous ‘Jacqueline’s PA Katy.’ I like labels.)

Anyway, got up early, spruced up, still on my Outlon hall come-down depression…got the children ready for nursery, listened to Keiran playfully moan at the fact that there would be no-one there to make him lunch. *Yawn.* 🙂 THEN after a gleeful drive up to Wakefield Westgate, (I took my pretend GEEK glasses with me simply to wear for cuteness. Keiran & I had a giggly ride up, where we joked and thought we were funny for most of the journey. All we did was pull stupid faces at one another, tease each other…and well I plonked my GEEK glasses on whenever I wanted to act smarter…did the voice and everything…and then played ‘bimbo’ whenever i had them off. YES…we as a couple are responsible for raising actual real life children.) Keiran adores ‘Playful Chrissie’ and simply because she’s not a bitch. 🙂

By 1027am, I was on a train to London Kings Cross to do lunch with ‘da ladies’ at Kettners in Soho. I usually have a shit sense of direction once in London, when I have to walk, yet i sort of know SOHO like the back of my hand. It’s gay bar after gay bar and old hang out, after old hang out. I’m shocked that I even managed to remember my old stomping ground SOBER. Well done me. Got to Kettners FIRST, out of the rest of the girlies. I’ve just noticed that I am always early to things and never ever late. I never have people waiting and well if i have to get ready, i’m always the first one down. That’s a bloody good trait that I have naturally integrated into my system.  I always think that when people are late, they believe that what they are currently doing is far more important that you. Unless they have a good excuse of course, then that’s okay. Sort of. I hate waiting.

But yes, if you haven’t been Kettners is a delightful spot, poshy, delicious, chandelier dripped, white walled, contemporary glamour. Lots of upper class accents and air kisses were heard whilst I was downstairs…Ooooh which I remember now. GIRLS! If you want to snag a ‘good to do’ blokey, it is ALL ABOUT the places you go to find men. Go to ya local pub and you’ll find ‘ya local pub’ bloke. Go somewhere fancy and you’ll find your posh boy, who actually has his own bank account and career, flagged with success. Simples. You won’t find a nun in a brothel. Common sense.

Anyway Ann Summers had treated us to our own private dining area two floors up. Jill had met me outside by accident…she had her cleavage sort of out, her essex accent and her sassy red arcrylics with heels. 🙂 Loved it. Hilarious. Oh and when I say ‘sort of cleavage’ it’s because her boobs were ‘hidden’ behind ‘see through’ material. 🙂 In Wunna land see through material doesn’t happen. They’re out,  all bare and jubbly or totally tucked in for a rest.

It was great to have a catch up, great to be greeted with champagne, to see the girls, to see Jacqueline, to be treated to a yummy 3 course lunch of deliciousness, with the best service ever and to have a chat really. As some of you know, well lots of you know…1.5 million of you know actually 🙂 we designed toys that are currently on sale at Ann Summers for you to purchase. This is the one I did…

http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/love-sex/tips/sex-toys-designed-by-women-o-team-collection-ann-summers-3#fbIndex3

Go buy it.

The response to the whole ‘O Team’ marlarkey was better than expected so I think we’re going to be up to more ‘winky-winks’ for you? We don’t actually know what’s going to be going on, but something? However Tuesday was about recalling a memory and catching up on old times. Exciting stuff! Ann Summers have been great to us.

Lunch was Fab. But it was sad that I didn’t get to see Em’s or Fran. (Piccies of our lunch table…just so you can feel that you were there and all that jizzle. 🙂 ) Kim A and I had a confused fly float between us throughout the entire lunch. It didn’t know whether it wanted to fly around ‘the ethnic’ or head toward the blond thinking it had ‘seen the light?’ Like most boy flies, it had a threesome and flitted between us both.

 

Literally got the train to London courtesy of Ann Summers, simply to do lunch, before getting the train back home.

It was great when I arrived back at Wakefield Westgate, as Keiran had picked the kids up from nursery and had them meet me on the platform. I ADORE moments of that sort. Again just seeing perfectly directed Ruby run towards me, as a surprise, shouting ‘Mummy’ was AMAZING. Keiran had the whole train station on side, as they were all, (aside from a boobied randomer, who walked infront of my photo taking) watching the family and ‘awwing’ with love. We’re good at the ‘show’ of things. Grand gestures only.

 

I walked behind glowing with satisfaction. I have a brilliant my little family. Everyday they make that 24 hours worth it.

Got home, felt knackered, but life was on the whole great. But how am I supposed to go back to work and handle it? I’m knackered from a simple ‘paid for with champagne journey?

Enjoyed the kids, enjoyed married life…then dealt with Ruby deciding that bed time was just not her thing anymore. She’s started doing that now because she believes that when ‘Daddy Keiran’ ventures to the gym, he won’t return home and she’s found it difficult until just now to deal with him working away through the Summer. Plus, she’s the kinda gal, who just likes everyone to be home, where she can keep an eye on us. 🙂 I’ve stressed the importance of ‘family’ to her and in return she’s given it a ‘thumbs up’ and simply adored it also.

In the end…as in last night, I decided to stop FORCING her to go to sleep. We’re like two peas in a pod Ruby and I. Not only is the art a ‘forcing’ a no go with us, but we’re also natural night owls. Bedtime is when we’re tired. Operation ‘Whatever’ came into play and well we both found ourselves watching a party on the telly and wiggling our bums to it in unison. I do literally mean stood up in the living room, under a chandelier… wiggling in the exact same manner. We didn’t even plan to perform such great bum wiggling in unison…it just happened. But when it did we turned and smiled at each other like we had the greatest minds on this entire earth.

She eventually fell asleep last night because the story of the making of accidental billionaires bored her…which I do hope is a trait she GROWS OUT OF! 🙂 Gosh, i’m going to be a hideous Mother in law one day. ‘The Social Network’ was on the telly, which is one of my fave movies. I love true stories that tell you accurately how people became ‘Great.’ Keiran watched it and couldn’t sleep all night due to needing to come up with ‘becoming a billionaire’ schemes of money making. He…like most men, loves dosh. The good thing is his work ethic is rather superior to most. I hate a lazy man. They grow fur on ya sofa and ask you to give them tenners. (Keiran is currently bending and half naked squatting, then leaping up and shouting ‘CYCLONE’ at me, whilst squeezing my boobs and pretending to belt me…with a belt. Then laughing. 🙂  I called him an ‘idiot’ and his reply was simply ‘well you married me.’ He makes me need wine.)

Anyway, back to Wednesday. Did Lunch. Got home. Thursday, we all packed up, got our poses in tact and well took the train to Leeds to go tend to the children’s modelling agency pictures.

Ruby is now back on the modelling scene. I pulled her out of it for a while until she knew what it was all about and until she actually was excited about doing something like that. They were delighted and eager for her to be back on their rosta, yet also wanted to sign Baby Junior after a seeing a photo of him..and THEN wanted to sign Keiran tooooo…after I sent them a pic. I fancy myself at a Kris Jenner. I do always say that. My ideal job would to be a talent agent or manager. That’s what I ended up doing in LA for a while.

My babies, including the big one, DID FANTASTICALLY in the shoot. I was so impressed. Rubes was so filled with utter excitement, that she went giddily nutty. The good thing is that she was charming with it and not like a messy drunk. I was proud of the confidence she had and the personality that she didn’t quite control. 🙂 She ran around her photo shoot, giggling madly and laughing with the occasional *pause* for a picture. JESUS! We had to rugby ball her out of there, because she didn’t want the ‘other girls to have a go.’  Baby Junior ACED it, LIKE A PRO. He was quiet, approached it with ‘swag’ and oddly pulled the exact right faces whenever he had to?? HAHAHAHA. He really is Stewie from Family Guy. That boy knows how to be adorable without trying and does so with a whole heart of pureness. Ruby however  knows how to be adorable when she wants to use it to her advantage. 🙂 That’s the difference between them. Juniors quite calm and disciplined. Ruby is insane…like moi.

Shoot went well. I felt like the hibble hobble bag carrying witch.I had bottles and forms and contracts and snacks and nappies and hairspray and train tickets and prams and everything going on. I think i even sweated a bit and that’s disgusting behaviour!

At the end of it all Keiran filled in his measurements because the agent adored him. He got signed up with a snippety snap. It always happens. The whole family’s at it. I have a great husband and well I was very proud of them all. The Hubs has really has stepped his game up over the last year and it’s amazing to finally feel whole.

We then trained it back home. Everyone rested and I did WINE. Wine that i simply deserved.

Today has been an errand running day and we’ve lunched out, enjoyed the weather and well The Hubs has bought 6 tubs of giant protein powder for almost £200. (More money goes out in seconds than ever now. I thought he was intending on gathering moola for billions. 🙂 )

Now we’re home resting. I want an afternoon GIN and then we’ll go collect the children from nursery before heading away again tomorrow morning at, to go to the wedding of one of Keiran’s relatives. It’s been ALL GO and glitter this week. I’m exhausted.

Love you. Need a rest. (‘Rest’ means booze.)

Wunna x

ps/ Ruby has to go to Pete’s tonight. Its hard for me because I feel like I have to share my children with so many people ho adore them. We have triple sets of grandma’s and extra Daddies and everything who all want a piece of my ‘baby time.’ I don’t mind because they’re so loved. Yet, I kinda just want my kids to be with ME…ALL THE TIME…I might get all stressed at times whenever they’re driving me insane, yet once they’re away i’m broken.