To say that I said I wasn’t going to strop anymore, I sure have just thrown a massive wobbly at my husband as he left to venture off for work for a week. He’s just driven off to Glastonbury to work for a week and well I don’t really call sitting around for hours, watching people, as you socialize, maybe get fucked up and flirt…’work.’ Which is pretty much what happened all last year…as I PLANNED our ENTIRE wedding by myself, in 2 months. This time, i’m having to look after babies, instead of plan an altar march and well last night he said something that completely rubbed me up the wrong way.
So, like I’ve said when you’re a Mum of two, you give up a loads, but you give up loads right from the point where you find out you’re pregnant and that was last AUGUST for me. Therefore and like i’ve said before for an entire THREE QUARTERS OF A YEAR, in addition to the present, where i’m still making the motherly sacrifices, i’ve done nothing. No fun, no play, no ME THINGS, no life, no work…no anything I’ve wanted to do and all things that i’ve HAD to do and this has been for almost a year now…and it’s still continuing, yet even more so because I have a newborn. (That’s what happens.) YET, all the while, during that ‘almost year’ of me sacrificing and not being able to do the things i’ve wanted…HE (you know i’m mad because I don’t even want to speak his name) did whatever he wanted. I’ve said all this before…but yeah, he worked, he played out with the boys, he stayed out on bender trips with the boys in York, he played sport, he hung out with friends, he tended to golf, worked out…he pretty much did whatever he wanted to do. ALL of the time. Whilst I couldn’t. No, in fact whilst I chose not to because I was pregnant AND looking after Ruby every night that he was out, or coming back home late from whatever sport he was rambling on about.
Now, i’m a bird of freedom. In relationships I want to feel free. I want to feel powerful. I want to feel feminine and I want to add the things I WANT to do, in with the things that I HAVE to do. I want to keep it glitzy. I want life to be filled with luxury. I’m patient to a point until I feel like i’ve taken the piss out of myself. Then i explode… and now…i’m exploding. I’m tired, I’m rough, i feel only a quarter of the person I used to be and my quality of life seems bland. I’m like a lollipop with all the flavour sucked out of it. Like an emery board, which has the gritty side worn away. I’m not the kinda girl who stays home all day baking cakes, or cooking men lunches, wiping down sides, scrubbing gussets, feeding babies, hoovering rugs…and whatever else some other chicks dig for fancy. I hate all that stuff. I’m Cinderella when she gets to the fricking BALL..not when she’s ragged up by mice.
If I don’t like something, i’ll change it and now I want ‘NEW’ because it’s all got too frustrating for me. I’m looking at my life and thinking this is NOT WHAT I WANT. I’m a glamour puss…and now I sort of resent Keiran for taking away who I was and who I am still…and making me make his tea’s and all this other crap that I hate to do. I want to go back to work NOW and I want to find my freedom again. He moans that he doesn’t have freedom, but he does what he wants to do a great deal more than I do. Plus, he’s a crap multi-tasker. I’ll blog with a baby on my knee and a feed. He can’t work upstairs on his laptop with either child around him.
So after a night of no sleep and staying up with Junior all night and tending to Ruby all night, who were both in my room with me, as Keiran had decided to sleep in the other room with his door firmly CLOSED. (I thought the idea of us having separate rooms was to TAG TEAM THE CHILDREN. Meaning at ALL TIMES…one child would be with me during the night and THE OTHER WITH HIM and he would have to take his pick.) I’ve noticed that he either sleeps by himself OR with Junior. That should never happen because at all times ONE CHILD needs to be watched by him. It’s not a bachelor pad. He shouldn’t have his own space, if I don’t. So, if he doesn’t have Junior in his room, he has to take Ruby.
(I’m just needing to vent and then i’ll feel fine again.)
But yeah the thing that annoyed me was the fact that whilst i was angry and stood in the kitchen he said, ‘Don’t worry babe, soon Junior’ll be in nursery and you’ll have time for yourself then.’ Once he said that…he pissed me off. I’m not some little wifey MAID, who can only have free time, as he gallivants off and does whatever he wants, even if it’s work and just because I apparently have to..and why because i’m ‘the girl.’ What? AS IF! Parenting is a TWO PERSON JOB and especially when you have TWO young children. Men never get that and because they find it hard to sacrifice. I find it hard NOW after already sacrificing everything for a year. But he annoyed me and I just looked at him and said, ‘So you think that sacrificing everything and for this long is all going to be made okay with Junior going into nursery, when I then go straight from the sacrifice to working a job that I probably won’t love, but HAVE TO DO, is a break for me and a blessing because it’s finally something different.‘ What? How stupid of him!
That’s not ME TIME or ME THINGS, or something I want to do. It’s something that I have to do and so going from gusset scrubbing to work, followed by gusset scrubbing is not my idea of fucking paradise. What is he thinking!!! He’s away for a week, doing whatever he wants, under the guise of ‘work.’
I threw a show at him. A dark green wedgy one. Then I stormed upstairs calling him names and screaming at him. (I couldn’t even fully scream at him because Baby Junior was in the living room trying to sleep. I can’t even do that!!) I said all sorts how I wanted more from life and didn’t see this as my life and how I hated my marriage and him and everything in between and how I wanted to be and feel like I did before and hve my life BACK. #funtimes
He followed me trying to make it better, but you can’t make it better when you’re about to leave. A pat on the back for a bit of sympathy before you walk out the door is not worth anything.
In that moment, it reminded me of Pete and It reminded me of feeling suffocated.
Yet this time with Keiran, he needs to realize that I’M NOT A SECOND CLASS CITIZEN in our relationship. I’m not the sweet little , stay at home Stepford wife that he wants, who dedicates her life to nursing the children and making sure dinner’s on the table at 5pm. I’M CHRISSIE FRICKING WUNNA…a man, a life partner is either always on par with me…or a rung below holding me up. 🙂 That’s how it works. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m not giving things up and being petted with ‘ah don’t worry your life won’t be crap once you get to go to work…’ whilst he does and always has done whatever he wants.
I don’t think so. He’ such an ego.
Now, things change because there’s only room for ONE ego and it’s the better one..which is obviously MINE.
I’m gonna make coffee, i’m gonna calm down and then i’m going to change everything…like I always do. I’m gonna treat the kids to a bouji hotel night and only because Ruby loves it greatly and i’m gonna put on my warrior suit and get to turning my life into what I WANT IT TO BE. Join me. (I’ll probably get done, but i’m used to it. *Wiggle-wink*)
So to every women that feels mildy suffocated for feels as though a man is making her less of her a ‘Diva’…and more of a housewife…but without the diamonds or the giant salary and they don’t usually do it on purpose, well some do. But most men don’t. They’re just selfish and they don’t think and often believe flowers will mask over the issue that you truly have. But yes, find yourself and OWN IT. If you’re tired of things CHANGE THEM and feel empowered. Don’t let a guy tell you what to do, they can’t live without us. We’re the object of their entire affections. Remember that! WE run how they feel and they know that, hence why they hope we never find out that we do. 🙂
Keiran’s not being evil…not one bit. He’s actually being lovely. But due to what he said whilst I was stood in that kitchen…well… that’s just put him in the doghouse because he pretty much, without even realizing displayed how he SAW ME and MY ROLE in our relationship, in comparison to HIMSELF and HIS ROLE.
He tried to calm me down with bouts of ‘You wont’ find anyone better than ME.’ (Men always say that…and you always do.)
As he left and kissed the baby, he told me that he had left me cash on the counter for the children and I to spend and that he loved me. I told him out of spite that I didn’t love him 🙂 (Stroppy i know because I do love him, but for childish dramatic effect you kinda have to put it out like that) and then I shut the door on him. See ya! I’ll call you in a week.
I’m not even planning to talk to him for this entire week and because i’m good like that, once i’m in a strop it’s rubbish for the boy because i get on them big time.
I will tell you that good things happened yesterday. Pete picked Ruby up from nursery and as he was on his way to my patio door and as Keiran had just left (what a surprise)..to my surprise, they BOTH walked up with Ruby in between them at knee height and seemed to be having a ‘walk n talk’ conversation.
Anyway Keiran was talking about Junior and how he wanted to keep the kids together, meaning that if Pete could take both Ruby & Junior or pick them BOTH up on his normal Ruby pick up days, when Junior is older that would be lovely, because he wanted them to feel like a family and not be separated. He then said to Pete that he wasn’t trying to replace him, he was just looking after Ruby the best way he could and that he loved her like she was his own, like a daughter. Pete paused and said (as they were now both at the patio) ‘all I can say to you is thank you and that truly grateful for you looking after my little girl for me and giving her a stable family life.’
How lovely. I mean this is how all broken families should be. The boys are being really mature about it all and I love it as it’s not the best situation for either male, but they’re making the best of it for the children. Ruby loves them both and I make sure that she does. She has two dads and I always thought that when she was older it would be really difficult to explain it all to her. But because of how they’re being, it actually just makes complete sense. I love it and I love them all for keeping the situation as ‘Disney’ as possible. Keiran said that he was happy that there was no animosity between them and Pete agreed stating that he would never hold anger for him and it’s all pretty much down to how someone’s been brought up and that’s the TRUTH and I intend to raise my kiddiwinkles in the exact same manner.
Ugh! Now, i’ve blogged all my stress out I actually feel much much better now. It’s my therapy. I don’t even hate Keiran now. 🙂 I’ve release it into Cyberland where it will now be read, chewed up and forgotten about. Sort of passed the burden on. That’s why I always argue with boys who try to make me not write the blog. It’s actually doing them a favour when I do because it makes me feel better once i’ve written the drama away.
I know i’m hormonal and I know that things are hard, but they’re happy times. Just writing that positive bit of story above about Pete, Keiran and Ruby brought happy tears to my kitten eyes because no matter what my little girl is more than loved and is going to be okay and that makes any mother feel overwhelmed because every little girl needs a great male role model. (I can’t believe that’s made me cry. I need a cocktail and a slap back to reality. Lol.)
Whenever i strop I always tell my mum all about it and I never just tell her my side, I tell her EVERYTHING and because the whole story is always best. People like to tell half stories on me, so I always promised i’d never do that to others. Plus, she’s knows me better than anyone. She knows i’m a pain but loves me anyway. And all she said about this whole situation is that i’m not stressed and i’m not hormonal. That i’m also not finding it difficult or struggling in any way whatsoever…that strop, bicker and spoilt bratt outburst of ‘Diva-Diva-shout-scream’ simply meant…‘Keiran..i’m going to miss you.’
..and the awful thing about it is that as always… she’s right.
One day i’ll grow up. but just not today, I guess. 🙂
Oh deary me.
SEE! Blogging things out helps.