GIANTS, Asians & Our Next Step

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‘You’re willy looks bigger,’ said the little Asian Glamour Puss, to her loving ex-soldier husband, as he *boinged* it out at her for a darling bit of ‘sexy humour’ between the living room and the kitchen.

‘Does it..’ he replied with a grin of delight upon his ‘maybe i’ll get lucky’ face?

‘Well maybe it’s because i’ve been looking at Baby Junior’s willy so much that it just looks bigger now?’

He exits the conversation and goes for a wee.

Morning everyone! It’s so much harder writing these blogs with two kiddy-winkles on rotation. Keiran’s injured and exhausted, but holding himself up with a delicious ‘Captain Jack Sparrow’ swagger. He’s been a Godsend of help through all this ‘ouchy-archy’ and far too active for his own good, on ‘i have a newborn baby’ sleep. He’s certainly a man who throws himself into everything whole heartedly. However, in this instance…you need to get your rest, otherwise ‘newborn babyhood’ WILL get the better of you. I believe he’s recovering from a case of ‘man down,’ but he’s happy. He’s happier than I have ever seen him. I guess, we finally have what we’ve always wanted. The good thing is i’ve demanded and  taken over parent ‘night duties’, simply because it’s only fair. (Look at me being all fair and everything now. It’s because I haven’t had wine.W ine makes me selfish…vodka makes me generous. Boys must always work that out. Well my sorry ass exes anyway. The nice ones of you, i don’t mind…in fact I probably owe you an apologies anyway for whatever kind of ‘Wunna jiggery pokery’ you had to put up with. Luckily, it’s not in my nature to ‘sorry-sorry’ any of my exes. Therefore, ah-dee-dums…c’est la vie. 🙂 ) Oooh…i’ve lost track of what I was saying now??

(Sorry: I’m currently having a *flashback* of the giant  that turned up at my patio door, last night. It terrified me because i’m only used to seeing little Asian relatives a tip tapping at my door. Yknow, the smiley, giving kind that I call ‘Mama & Papa’, who are ready to take on one of my children. It was Keiran’s cousin Craig, so all was well, as it wasn’t giants. #anticlimax. He and The Hubby spent the evening working out in the handmade gym in our garden, because it’s the time of the year for  ‘Operation Get Sexy.’ I want to take part in my own version of ‘Operation Get Sexy,’ where I don’t have to lift my own body weight. I’m just doing the good old diet way, to lose my baby weight. It’s going well. I’m hungry and in fact I sort of wish I didn’t stuff in those custard doughnuts 20 at a time now in my last few weeks of pregnancy. Ugh! I’m always learning things the hard way. But i’m rather good at dieting…Hollywood taught me the way.

Luckily, genetics hasn’t been too bad to me and i’m slowly but surely getting back into shape. I sort of almost am into some kind of ‘okay if you’re a guy drunk in a bar and see me‘ shape,’but nowhere near where I want to be….shape. Give me a few more weeks and i’ll be rocking it and wiggling around in my booty shorts and stilettos looking ‘snatch.’ A few more months..well three… and i’ll be back to work and working ‘it.’ (It better get sunny. I’m solar powered.)

Y’know, i’m looking around me and I  feel like I always have something bouji and something kiddified in my hands, at all times. I’ll swing a Mulberry handbag…with a Tommy Tippee baby bottle, attached to my other hand.Or swagger a glitter MAC lipgloss, with 4 nappies, a bib and a sack of wet wipes wedged into my arm. Mummyhood sure ain’t easy, however it’s the biggest delight ever. Keiran and I are completely happy now and well all we need now are millions of pounds to go with our dream and then we’ll have everything we want. (Ugh, there’s a car alarm going off whilst i’m trying to get Baby Junior to sleep. The same happened last night when I was trying to get Baby Ruby to go ‘nighty-night.’ Ruby refused to ‘eye shut’ and simply because she firstly wanted to play with ‘the boys’ and secondly because she couldn’t stop wanting to dry hump pillows to Cinderella. UGH!I need to have wine in my system for this. It’s just wrong. I even Googled it to see if it’s normal…and it’s not that normal at all. Lol. I swear she’s turning into a teenager at 2 years old. She’s still ever sweet, but holy moly…she has a mind of her own. It’s my own fault, as i’m just the same. However, raising MYSELF is never fun. I feel bad for my mum. Luckily Baby Junior is still fully delightful withour mood swings and because he’s only a week old. This is why we need my own private estate. They’ll be no car alarms and all the time in the world.  I think i’ve been watching too many ‘Real Housewives ..’ episodes. It’s all I understand now and through my pregnancy was my saving grace. I cannot believe that i have spent my entire wedded life so far, until last week…pregnant…and now that i’m not…I STILL HAVEN’T HAD A WINE.

Anyway, other than all that Keiran’s glint has returned to his eye and he’s looking at me once more like he did when we first dated…with ‘sex’ in his eyes. I fell asleep on his pec yesterday…(like I said it always happens, you can’t go near them and not have a few minutes kip upon one.) We’re kissing like we’re lovers once more and ‘wooing’ like sexytime could occur at any given moment…when the kiddies are a sleep.

We’re currently open for visitations, to all those of you who have been asking to pop in for baby cuddles. I’ve recovered at the speed of light and you have to when you have a 2 year old, otherwise it’s just not fair and well my boobs don’t feel like they’re about to explode anymore.

I’m looking forward to watching the Ann Summers show that i’m on on Thursday, #sextoystories. Yet nervous because I always manage to put my foot in it. I will admit, it’s usually to applause, but when you haven’t yet seen something that is about to air, you sort of get nervous. What did I do? What did I say? Have I been edited right? AND well…I better be in it LOADS. 🙂 I mean, I felt like when I did ‘Paris Hilton’s BBF’ ITV2 we’re really good to me when it came to the editing. I was sassy, naughty, but likeable. So, what can I say, we’ll see.

My local paper (which is The Pontefract & Castleford Express) hasn’t wanted to boast about Keiran  and I appearing on such a show…I guess because the title is sprinkled with a shimmie of controversy…and well when I was on the ‘Hilton Show’ they called me the ‘Terrifying Plastic Doll from Pontefract.’ 🙂  However, the funny thing is the headline that HAS made the paper is as follows:

‘Scarecrow swiped from #Badsworth by thieves in pink-wheeled car.’

Hilarious! 🙂 This is just my luck.

But i’m not too worried, we’ll make impact, there’s things in the pipeline…we realize we’re lucky and well we’re waiting.

Saying that I had the third audition for another show that we’re hoping to be a part of yesterday afternoon. I didn’t realize they’d be calling, and I had fallen asleep on the sofa…I jumped up, heard my voicemail and called them straight back. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and my tummy tight…and hoping for the best. We’re feeling confident and well at the end of the day, the goal…in entertainment, is to eventually (as in NOW) have our own show. Nothing is better than making money and showing off, simply via living your own life. It’s be great for us, the children and our line of excitement.

I mean, a chicken shop has it’s own show. We deserve ours, I tells ya! 😉

However, for now we’re loving our little family and getting ready to rocket forward. It’s a great feeling creating your own foundation, love and family. It really does give you an incentive and really makes you feel like you can conquer the world.

As they say, ‘Impossible is nothing.’ We can do this…GIMME! GIMME!

 

But first, please do enjoy ‘Sex Toy Stories’ and swtich to Channel 4, at 10pm, THIS THURSDAY.

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