HOLY JEEPERS! Not fun! Not fun! Not fun! Not at ALL funnage. Not even a BIT!
Wake up this morning, with slight achey period type pains….they become frequent whilst i’m dolly around with Baby Ruby in the car doing the usual nursery run. However, i took my mother this time and mainly incase I decided to give birth at the side of the road with tassles on. I[m glammy like that. Not much happened, other than the usual smile on my face, giggle, and joke, with a pile of mild ‘ouchy’ pains. So, i then drove my Mother and I to Pontefract hospital, as I had a 9.20am appointment to see the Consultant ‘Ms.Fattah’ (ACE Doctor) who was going to give me a quick examination and the option of a ‘sweep & stretch.’ (I’m not explaining what that is again, so hopefully you’ve been reading my blog, or you know how to work Google. 🙂 )
It all began with a ‘I can give you a sweep if you want, but we usually do them a WEEK after your overdue and you’re not overdue yet, so it’s up to you. Just know i’m happy to do one for you and that it is quite, if not very uncomfortable.’
I pause and look terrified…so she tried to reassure me with a ‘It’ll bring on the labour much faster, as in within 24 hours..’
That was it for me. I found myself over the top happily ‘YEPPING’ at her and before you know it I was pulling my pants down (pants that I had to apologise for. I literally said sorry for them having cherries on and being big knickers.) But yes, i’m pulling my pants down in the doctors examination room, with another doctor..a guy, merrily typing the the corner, as I’m behind a floral curtain…and then laying upon the couch with blue tissue hiding my privates, whilst being told to open my legs.
The Doctor looked at me with a smile and said, ‘this is going to hurt…oh and the jelly is cold.’ 🙁
Three seconds later and whilst i was still quite chipper her fingers were WEDGED inside my vagina, in the most ‘OUCHY’ fashion ever. It seriously felt like there no room for anything in my vagina. I felt like a virgin being butchered in front of crowds for entertainment. IT KILLED. No! IT F****** KILLED! and as soon as it happened it *flashbacked* me to the memory of how much pain the art of labour was the first time. As a mum..you forget. You know it hurts. But you forget the pain. The ‘sweep and stretch’ reminded me that this whole labour malarky was going to hurt and going to hurt BIG TIME.
It was quite obvious that I was in a great deal of pain as the Doctor kept telling me to ‘relax,’ as my vagina tried to fight it’s way to victory. It tried to spit her out! I looked at her with dolly eyes of pain and discomfort to the point where she felt sympathy for me and realized that I was maybe having second thoughts. However, she smiled AGAIN and said, I can[t stop now, i’ve already gone in, so I HAVE to go around now. I actually did downward lips and could’ve weeped. 🙂
So, i grabbed the Irish midwifes hand and squeezed the fricking LIFE out of it. The LIFE OUT OF IT. She was good because she tried to be loving, as I squirmed, wriggled and my vagina protested such an act. I even piggy *SQUEALED* half way through it. Then like the freak that I am, I weirdly began laughing and giggling because I was in such pain. This wasn’t even LABOUR. This was just a ‘sweep.’
Anyway, my laughter is obviously contagious because soon the entire room was giggling and well before you know it I was butchered…but it was over. (The other Doctor dude, still typing in the corner, like nothing was happening behind him in a curtain.)
Immediately, I had my ‘blood’ show and needed a wipe up and well then my contractions started and they began to be a great deal more intense. I don’t remember it being so painful last time. SEE! I forgot! 🙁 🙁 SAD FACE.
I honestly could’ve puked and cried, but instead I giggled and made crap jokes up to mask my pain.
The Doctor told me that i’d probably have my baby either today for tomorrow. (I’m guessing tomorrow, on his actual due date and because i’ve just called the hospital, after experiencing really ouchy contractions every 20 minutes regularly. I got given the wrong number. GEE! Thanks! So, when I finally had the right number all the midwife said was ‘Great, you’re headed in the right direction, call back when they’re about 10 minutes apart or when you can’t stand the pain anymore. Then we’ll see. Right now, you’re fine at home. Have a bath. Take a Paracetamol.’)
So, i’m in phase 1 of labour. Not a bad phase. You just get really intense pains every 20 minutes and then go back to normal. I can blog, so i’m still fine. I’m only blogging to take my mind of it. But whatever, it’s going to hurt regardless, i just forgot how much. I don’t know how women do it. Yet even my Doctor said, ‘You’re gonna NEED an epidural.’
Now that i’ve been reminded of the pain, i’m dreading every single second of it and not friends with the midwife who keeps telling me to chill at home and take baths, incase i end up sat on my toilet giving birth to my son. I want to be cared for. I’m sat at home on my own, after my Mum fed me sausages for energy at Morrisons, mid-contractions and whilst Keiran is at work. Plus, Keiran decided the best place to put his new weights was in the middle of the kitchen right infront of my emergency ‘incase I need more preggo supplies’ bag. I’m leaking and all sorts and there I am trying to move fricking giant MAN WEIGHTS out my way to get to my emergency pads! Jesus! Men!
The like i need any more dramatics to occur…the wardrobe man calls and tells me that I better be home and better not ‘let him down’ when he has my new wardrobes. Erm…DUDE. I’m in flipping Phase 1 labour and all he can think of is being ‘yelly’ down my phone. Hellooo…having a baby much. *Panic here.*
So, i’m hoping all is restored and the hubby comes home and that I get to rest and well within 24 hours i’ll hit big time labour and have my son. On his actual due date..which is tomorrow. I had my ‘stretch’ early. I think the next time i’m on the phone i need to sound far more dramatic and less chipper. I sounded like I wasn’t at all in pain, due to me being showbiz. 🙂 It made her think i was fine. I’m not having my baby at home. She can THINK AGAIN. I’ll *WHAM BAM* that maternity ward’s door down if she doesn’t let me in when i’m ouchy. I feel like Baby Jesus and there’s not room at the inn for me.
Wish me luck.
Next contraction…a coming…NOW! 🙁 (Rubbish! Rubbish! Rubbish!)