I’ll never make a baker…

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Good morning my sexy chimps of showgirl! The waiting game sucks. I’m not one who delights in the fact that I have to wait for anything, even though I am far more patient now that i’m a glitzy old bird in eyelashes. I’m ready to hatch, but my bump isn’t playing and the thing that terrifies me most is the simple fact that as of right now, I am NOT overdue. He’s not actually due out just yet and well if he’s my son, (I hope he is, ‘Helllooo Jeremy Kyle lie detector’) he’ll definitely be fashionably late to the party. Plus, he’s a Gemini…meaning he’ll be dipped in glittery showmanship via genetics naturally.  But yeah…what i’m actually terrified of… is the simple fact that if he doesn’t come out on time, or before his big date of ‘due’…then I’m going to have to go through the horrific act of the ‘sweep and stretch’ where some lady that i’ve gotten to know during the pregnancy, will poke her fingers, (hopefully gloved) that she’s had her lunch time sandwich with…in my vagina and sweep them around inside me, whilst stretching it out angrily, in order to encourage my waters to break. It’s my worst nightmare. But i’ve told you this many a time. I am aware that most of you would think i’d delight in such an act, because i’m such a floozy. But let me tell you..it ain’t too pretty when it’s fingers that you don’t appreciate, know, or ones that you aren’t sexually attracted to. It’s like having a dodgy one night stand, but in the day, sober and with a middle aged woman. 🙁  Now that i’m a goodie goodie…i only want my hubby’s fingers tinkering around my body parts. It’s a safety mechanism. I don’t trust other fingers. I’m damaged goods, thanks to Hollywood. But yes, as lovely as midwives are, they’re not that lovely when they’re poking and stretching your vagina out…with sandwich fingers. 😮

(I weirdly totally fancy Heinz tinned spagetti. Eww…how low budget of me. At least i’m craving champagne at the same time.)

It’s not even 10am yet and i’ve already told that I’ll never make a baker…because they have to wake up at 4.30am, to roll out pastry and they can’t wear eyelashes. EWW! Can you imagine! I’d be strolling into Cooplands, with a gin spritzer in my hand and staff, with rollers in my hair, glueing my eyelashes on, bronzing my cheeks, rolling out a pie in leopard print heels and a dusty branded apron on. FIRED. I had this conversation whilst dropping Ruby off at nursery. The other mums and staff must love me. ‘Here he’s my child. I’m irresponsible. Your turn.’ 🙂 I’m a show to them and they eagerly await my arrival. Even the tiny babies like me because they think i’m a toy. Honestly, a 7 month old baby boy, looked at me and grinned like a Cheshire cat once his eyes caught mine. I figured he either fancied me or thought i was a toy? I’m going with toy, simply because I’m appropriate these days. He gave me ‘Hey, HEY, hey’ eyebrows. Champion. I’ve still got it, even though i’m fed up and HUGE. I’m huge, i’m really huge. I even stated how HUGE i felt to Keiran last night and what was my romantic hubby’s reply, ‘Yeah, sleep with me and you get HUGE. Oooh Salma Hayek’s gorgeous…’ (as he watched the telly behind my HUGE speech.) Lol. That’s Keiran for you. She is sexy though (when she’s thin…my school and also pregnant friend Ms.Sykes, pointed out that i would find comfort in Googling Salma during her weight gain..I did)  and well yes, not so great chubby, but in the movie last night, she had a beard. Any girl that can rock a beard and still look shaggable deserves a round of applause. GET ME THIN.

Keiran and I are both going on this mad track of wanting to summon our ‘ooh laa’ back once more.. I mean before, Keiran and I had ultimate power because we were STEAMY HOT. 🙂  You could gossip all you wanted and stare from your little peeky corner…but we celebrated love like Cloud 9 Victory Gods of romance (we’re still doing that) but most of all…we were SEXY FIT! And so sexy fit, that it was sickening. It would make boys trip over their willies and girls grow nipples that pointed the peaks off Everest.People don’t mess with the ‘sexy fit.’ So.. I need a waistline, we both need tans and we both want our hot bods and swagger back. (Look to the above piccie…I want that waistline…skip the nipple part…but the waist line…I want. Unfortunately and because i keep breeding…it’s gone walkies.) I’ve never been this chubby in my life, even the first time around, i didn’t hit this peak of chunka-wunka. I want budget spagetti now. I’ve depressed myself. And  I need to tan simply to look smaller. The darker the tan, the bigger the hair, the larger the bag you carry, the smaller you look girls. Remember I said that! *Wiggle-Wink.*

Oh! I also got called ‘Buddha, if he was a Hoochie’ this morning. Life is looking up. I’m getting back to the old me. 🙂 This is what the Mums talk about at Ruby’s nursery AND she goes to a PRIVATE nursery, where everyone is meant to come from a certain standard of living. Pahaha.I love being a ‘hit’ with the mums. Each morning is filled with wit, banter and dropping our children off for others to school and care for. 🙂

So..the BED FINALLY CAME yesterday. It hasn’t restored my faith in delivery services, due to the fact that it was late, especially when the delivery man looked at my receipt and said, ‘oh this was meant to be an arranged delivery…that’s why it didn’t come on time, because usually we get them out to people straight away. Yep..there you go. Arranged delivery’ YEAH, I KNOW IT WAS AN ARRANGED DELIVERY. I arranged it for MONDAY. It’s fricking TUESDAY AT 5.30PM..after a TWO WEEK WAIT.’ But i’m gonna be positive. I have the bed and it looks delicious. Now all i’m waiting for are wardrobes…things are looking up. (I really do need a champagne.)

I’m excited for the birth. I’m looking forward to the telly shows hitting your telly screens. I’m really chipper right now, love and family are brilliant. Keiran laid on the sofa last night and said, ‘I feel really good. Our relationship is amazing. It’s perfect. I’m really happy.’ Hearing the man of your dreams say thatm when you’re not doing anything but being yourself is wonderful. I love LOVE. We honestly have the most amazing little family and we have ONLY known each other for just over a year and a half. So girls…you can and will find your Prince…even when you think it’s an impossibility and when propping up a bar and being sick off your hotel bed seems the only answer. (I did that lots. I remember how drunk i used to get out of boy sorrow. I was amess. Now, i’m a champion and i’ve never felt happier. I’m in a good place and it’s only when you’re in a good place that good things happen. I’m ready to make my dreams come true, no matter what. It doesn’t matter what people say, what you represent, or how you play. If you’re fabulous and have achieved everything you want in life and more…with more to come, then people can say whatever they wish…Your life will always be divine. YIPPEEE!!!

 

 

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