A Chink ;) in my Armour

 

I’m feeling rebellious today *Peels off white support bra, plucks on sequinned nipple tassles,* hence the nudie pic of glory, which I know a small bundle of you don’t always appreciate, yet I do enjoy looking back at my past and plonking up an ‘oldie’ to reminisce the times where I was far naughtier and had a waistline, with no human residing in my belly. Right now i’m 7 months pregnant, (for those of you who don’t know 🙂 ) so I assure you that my body looks nothing like the above. I like to pretend it does though. I’m a waddle and a wink from producing a child, ( a male one, which is scary enough) and I look more like a chinese dumpling…in a weave and heels, then I do kitten of ‘sexy-sexy.’

I’ve had a rough night with ‘The Hubs,’ (as per usual, a round of applause please! Oh and I don’t mean ‘rough’ as in ‘bedroom shuffle.’ I mean ‘rough’ as in ‘shouty.’ 🙂 ) Yet a beautiful night with my glorious baby Ruby, who’s growing up nicely and like she’s the next ‘Sharpee Evans.’  So i’m sort of having to put back the pieces this morning, a moment in life that I refer to as’ re-chinking (appropriate 🙂 ) the armour,’ and well i’m getting back on that stallion. (Clumsily.) Keiran and I argued a lot last night. But it was one of those arguments that will never really go anywhere, but around and around, until it either gets solved, it stops or one of us backs down or kicks the other, with spiked heels.

I’m an idealist when it comes to love and I adore romance, flutters, excitement and magic. When that part of the ‘love’ seems to be fizzling away, I sort of always feel somewhat unfulfilled with my relationship. It’s not anyone’s problem, but my own…I mean that’s why i’ve left so many men, just to find one that can keep up the ‘magic,’ so I always feel wonderful and I always feel impressed. It’s so weird. But I believe it’s a girls prerogative to be the object of a man’s affection. I don’t care what any man says. If all they have to do is put a smile on a girl’s face, then I don’t think that’s too hard a task for them and if it is…well they need a little recap on how to make that magic work, or simply date a girl who doesn’t expect too much from them.

Currently, when i kitty cat explain things to my ‘Handsome’ (be it through tears, smiles or anger,) instead of listening to me, he sort of  just immediately goes on the defensive and chitter chatters at me,  in a delightfully nasty manner. A manner that doesn’t quite go with a pretty face.  But that’s just men because once you accidentally make them feel inadequate, they will throw up their defense wall and attack you from behind it. All big and brave. 🙂 *Rum cocktail here.* I have a fun tongue too…which makes the chitter-chatter, turn yucky.

The difference is…i’m pregnant right now and feel like I need support, emotional support…and I just don’t feel like I’m getting enough from him and it’s because i’m pregnant. All chicks who are 7 months pregnant hate their husband. It’s the rules. 🙂  Google it. And well Keiran has zero experience in dating pregnant women, meaning i’m a distinct shock to his system right now. I was a shock to his system BEFORE i had a bun in the oven. He almost can’t handle it because his argument fell to child-like repetition, where you just repeat a word over and over and over again, VERY LOUDLY in order to make the other person shut up. Just because you’re shouting the loudest doesn’t mean what you’re saying right and putting a word on repeat doesn’t really (lol) express your side of the debate that clearly.

Then he went through an odd phase where he thought my own mother would like him more than me, so he called her to slag me off. I’m her DAUGHTER for crying out loud. You called the wrong Army. My mum’s NOT GOING TO PICK him over me. Lol. Call YOUR MUM, not MY MUM. It was like a circus of utter nonsense.

I think, I’m just  feeling like I need some alone time, some ‘just Ruby & I’ time, before the birth of my second child. It’s a lot for any chica to take on, especially a glamour puss, so i need this time to be harmonious and if he can’t give me that time then he’s actually selfish, because I don’t think shouting at someone who is about to give birth to your child in 8 weeks and has carried him for 7 months, needs to here or put up with ‘yadda-yadda.’ This isn’t the Jeremy Kyle show. It’s much more  low budget, yet far more glamorous and we call it Wunna land here, DARLING. I distinctly don’t like that he tried to make out that I can’t cope without him because if anything, Ruby and I sort of cope better when he’s not around. He has a very distorted image of what I am and who I am, especially because he compared me to someone who I regard as…well…as he called me….’pathetic.’So, if that’s how he views me, then he doesn’t know me at all and that’s something that I don’t likey. It’s hardly like getting serenaded love songs is it? The thing is, it’s not that he even said, he COULDN’T do lovely things for me anymore, it’s the fact that he said he didn’t even WANT TO. *Tut-tut* (Men usually say that when they can’t.)

I’m slowly becoming more and more independent, I’m driving now and I’m loving it. Yet the more independence i’m experiencing, the less I feel that i need any hassle from a man. I think i’m feeling  unappreciated by him right now. (He referred to the log cabin birthday treat that I bought him, as ‘What log cabin treat?’ Meaning he didn’t even regard it enough to remember it, and it only happened a week and a half ago.) I also bought him a couple of golf tops because when I saw them I thought he’d like them. He never does that for me anymore. He never spots something and  thinks, ‘ooh, she’s pregnant, she might like etc…to cheer her up.’

So now, I feel like I do a lot for that boy and it’s not reciprocated nor is it appreciated.Plus, he can actually now do a lot, because I take care of a lot. But  i’ve noticed with men that if you do things for them, they just want more and they forget how much you’ve actually done for them…they take you for granted…and when you’re Chrissie Wunna and you no longer feel as appreciated as you wish to be…then that doesn’t make the cut. So, i’m in a stage now where my Mum wants me to sit back and really weigh up what he invests emotionally, financially and mentally into the relationship. What does he pay, in all of those areas towards his new family, because the way she sees it is that i’m quite the stepping stone for him, because he can only do all the things that he wants to do financially (which don’t involve me)  because I’m taking care of everything else. So the question being, does he actually love me, or is he just here because he has is cushie…for now?

Then I have one of my other friends say,’ Chrissie, you’re just a girl who makes men feel uncomfortable because as always and once again, you are taking away his masculinity, which makes him feel inadequate until he’s back on his feet. You do it will all men. You can sit at home and do nothing, whilst you’re pregnant and still be the breadwinner. That makes him and in fact all men feel like they have a little willy. You have to make a man feel like a man. ‘

Relationships are difficult things to balance out  aren’t they? Especially when you’re a girl of my sort.  But he stopped me in the kitchen this morning and said, ‘Chrissie, you’re not happy because I can’t treat you like a Princess anymore and take you out to dinner etc… (which is true, i did tell him that) well you need money for all that and i’m working really hard right now to try and get a future together, so I can build a life for my family. I’m not on the same wage that I used to be on, but i’m working on it.’ I said nothing because I had far too much to say, which is bad because it stifles me and in any relationship communication is everything. Plus, I don’t think he’s building a future for his family as in Rubes and I. He’s building a future for himself…and his son and anyone else that wants a piece of his wallet.

Anyway, enough of all that, I’m currently watching ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ to cheer me up, as I sip my Earl Grey. I adore rich people drama, for background entertainment. I am actually really happy. I don’t want you to think that I’m not. I’m lucky to be ME! 🙂 Yet, i’m wanting this labour malarky to hurry up, so I can just get back to working and making those good old ‘Wunna’ dreams come true. I want to succeed. I’m a wiggle away from it and well…Wunna Land is a goodie.

It’s currently gently snow falling outside. We can’t have snow for Easter! I need to pack away my bunny ears and pull our my knitted knicker crackers. I actually forgot that it was Easter this Friday onwards. Yet not to worry, i’m a whiz at making Easter work for baby Ruby, In 20 mins, she’ll have everything she needs, in a big old over the top Eastery fashion. I did really used to believe in the Easter bunny and it’s weirdly one of those memories that I keep flash-backing. Why? I have no idea?? Mainly because i’m a tool. But I do remember having this Easter bunny that opened up and when I went to bed, it was empty. By the time I woke up and galloped towards my white dressing table, with a round mirror glued upon it, I opened up my bunny and it was filled with chocolates. I was literally AMAZED and I kinda want Ruby to have that fond feeling of yumminess. Those thrills of excitement make life delicious.

I’m loving life, i’m staying focussed but i’m in thought, as you know how much I adore going to the forest. I’ve  been so many times and loved it. However, now I think that in order for me to have a break of peace, harmony and freedom, i’m going to have to stay home with Ruby and just let Keiran go. Otherwise he’ll never give me that week to myself that I need. When I first booked it, i thought it would be GREAT, but as things are panning out, I think i might need some Wunna time alone with just Rubes and I, when he’s away. I think it’d make me happy. Yet, like I said, i’m still in thought about it all, because i have ages to ponder such a notion. We’ll see.

 

 

 

 

 

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