Last night was a ‘circus’ in itself. I was back to ‘Old School’ Wunna, left to my own devices, mixed in a delicious swirl of confident comedic choices that always end up bad. Not as bad as crawling up Edgware Rd, in a posh white dress and silver heels, being so drunk in 2009 that I couldn’t even see. #Painrocks. Oh and not as bad as running off to Vegas to get married (the first time) and standing on the Vegas strip, in a whorey see-through wedding dress, in WHITE high heeled boots and a bouquet made up of cheap PLASTIC flowers, whilst crying with my friends, (infact we were all crying…even the groom) simply because I had got jilted at the altar. No..not that stupid. I’m much better now that i’m a 30 something. I’m the less messier, sexier version of me. I’ve gone from girl to woman…which simply means older and more strict…oh and a tad bit more hormonal…with men.
Okay, so…yesterday evening was great. In my eyes everything I do is great. That’s why I always falsely believe i’m fabulous. However, since all this monkey business has been going on at home and I had been waiting for Keiran to snap out of it all. I decided that i was going to be all independant and sizzle and practice driving the Mercedes (the family car that my Mum got us both for Christmas) in order to do the nursery run. Incase you didn’t know, I am a shit driver. Really rubbish. I have totally got my license and weirdly in two seperate countries, so I can actually drive. However, since a series of rubbish things occuring in my life, I never had the balls to do it again…and never have since…well since before I was pregnant with Ruby. However, a couple months ago, i began refresher lessons and well felt confident enough to ‘have a go,’ again. I’m good at getting back on that pony when I have to.
Last night…was the night that I decided i was going to jump into the Mercedes and drive. I was going to drive like there was no tomorrow, with my Godiva aura on and my heart of pure gold. (But with clothes on and well no gold was anywhere to be seen. Not that Godiva had gold on her.)
This sudden urge of ‘Diva’ came when I figured that I was going to be doing the nursery run tomorrow morning and therefore needed to be brave and able to drive Baby Ruby there, because I HAD to. My Mum had an early morning meeting in Manchester. I didn’t want to rely on Pete again. (He had been asked to do it the last two mornings running.) Keiran and I weren’t talking. I mean, at that point of the evening, i was imagining that my entire marriage was falling apart and that I was going to be left holding two babies, so I better pull my socks up and get used to it. (That hasn’t happened folks, before you all start getting concerned. I do actually feel bad, because I’ve had fans message me from all over the world in tears over my current state of affairs. Don’t be. We’re fine!)
The good thing about me is that if i was to be left holding two babies, I would do something about it. I’m not one to weep in a corner for years and down bottles of vodka. I’m one who decides to be undefeated by what life has launched at me and find a solution. I grabbed the keys…i told my Mother to come with me, (Poor thing, she was absolutely terrified,) and I marched out my patio doors after 9pm, to take the car for spin and a petrol fill up.
We only got as far as the ‘petrol fill up.’ In fact no, I tell a lie we only got as far as the car door, simply because i couldn’t figure anything else out? It tok me ages to adjust my chair. A moment to do the mirrors. A while to figure out how to turn the headlights on? I didn’t know where the indicators were? I then couldn’t see anything out the steamed up windows…plus it was pitch black out…and I had some random doggy screen up covering my back window. It was hilarious. I was in my faux fur and diamantes, trying to figure out the art of ‘the Mercedes’ at around 9pm. We both thought it best to sit inside the vehicle in order to make it look like i knew what I was doing. Then I couldn’t figure out which way to literally put the KEY IN!! I was flipping shoving my HOUSE KEY in the car key slot and wondering WHY it wouldn’t fit!! HAHAHA. My poor mum, was terrified!
She kindly pointed the key issue out to me, and well as soon as I figured it out, i felt like a plonker, yet was much happier, because then things worked. The lights were on, the heat was on, the…well everything was on because I had pushed and tugged at every single button, knob and switch going. Even the wipers were swishing. 🙂
It seems i’m shit at starting cars. However, once started, I’m not too shabby. (In my own head.) I figured out what I was doing, I was strapped in, the car was a brumming and I was ready to take on the streets of Ackworth…with my Mother as my first passenger. 🙂 I began by reversing and turning the car around…did it all with my parking brake on. Realized that I was messing up and well stopped before just getting on with it all. 🙂
By this point..and note that we haven’t even left our estate, in fact haven’t even left out drive way…my mum is in a state of panic, prayer and God knows what else. She’s attempting to be supportive, yet was so distraught that even SHE couldn’t hide it in her manner. She was the most panicked passenger I had even seen…and like I said, we hadn’t left our driveway yet. She didn’t even want me to go to the petrol station. (‘Look Chrissie. How about I give you cash and well if you want to take a taxi in the morning…you can…on ME…’ LMAO. )
I mean, even when I was reversing she was screaming at me to slow down because there was a car. The car was MILES away. Literally on a completely different part of the estate! Hah! But I had managed to get her in such a fluster that she has become the world’s worst passenger! Even when I was just driving forward into no traffic, no anything…she was in bits and pieces. ‘Be careful Chrissie. Slow down Chrissie. Watch for cars Chrissie,’
I don’t live in New York city. I’m not trying to muscle through traffic in Times Square at rush hour. It was dead, no-one was out…I was on my own estate and it was ACKWORTH!
I ignored her and did whatever I wanted. I was good once i was driving. I felt confident, even though she didn’t. All i kept saying was ‘I’ve had refresher lessons. It’s fine. You lot always moan because I’m not driving but then never let me do it, when I try!!’ I’m not a hesitant driver, which worries my mother. Being confident in my books is good. However, i guess only when you have the skills to work it. 🙂
Anyway, we got to the petrol station…my way. It is literally a minute away from my house, so all that woo-haa was for nothing. All i did was turn out of my estate, drive onto the main road and immediately turn right after a few seconds, to go to the Total garage. That doesn’t call for the Lords prayer.
We park up, we get confused about the hand brake again and then I try to figure out the petrol cap. It was far too tight for me to turn open. I have zero arm strength. I couldn’t even turn the fucker with TWO HANDS. Even the women who worked at the petrol station where glaring at me form their glass box and laughing. 🙂
Finally my Mum had to get out and do it all for me. She can turn knobs better than me and well she can pay better than me too. 🙂 However, she was so broken down and nervous by this point that her arm was all panicky and when she had finished filling up, she turned to talk to me and still had her hand’a going’ on the pump. Petrol squirted ALL OVER ME. All on my coat. All up my arm. All over my jumper. All over me. Lots of it! I couldn’t even believe it. This was like the maddest run ever!
The workabees are now pissing themselves. So we quickly pay, pretended that we knew how to restart the car and drove off. It wasn’t so bad. Apart from once I got back home a minute later, my Mum started screaming ‘WATCH THAT CAR’ at me again…which was nowhere near me. She likes me to do everything at her snail pace. I parked up. She breathed for the first time in a good car journey while…and then gave me £20 for a taxi. ‘Here..I don’t’ think you should so the run tomorrow. Especially not with Ruby and certainly not with Junior in your belly. You need way more practice.’ I simply looked at her, smiled and told her that I was going to do it and that it would be fine. I mean I can’t get better, if people don’t let me try. I’m so molly coddled. I was doing it. I was adamant about it!
Got back in…sorted Baby Ruby out, who hadn’t gone to bed yet and tucked us both up to sleep. I watched her sleep and then had a little cry because i just needed to release stress. I mean the whole ‘not talking’ thing had stressed me out more than I thought and I realized at 11pm, that I hadn’t eaten anything all day, apart from a packet of bacon crisps. Not good! So I guess, without me knowing this home drama has effected my body. It’s sort of stressed it out…which is fine when everything is up, normal and running. But NOT WHEN PREGNANT.
I immediately went downstairs, it was all dark, Keiran had come home and slept on the sofa and I went in the fridge to find a midnight snack. i didn’t feel like much,. You don’t when you’re upset do you? Well you either go one way or the other. I don’t eat usually when stressed. But, i needed to. My bump would’ve been hungry and well he was kicking away like a trooper. ‘Feed me bitch!’
I hate, I made Rubes another bottle and went to bed…after another little cry of relief. It makes me feel better.
I woke up at 6am this morning and got organized, as today was the day of the nursery run! I groomed, changed and got Ruby ready. I was determined and strong. I made breakfast. I sorted everything out. Keiran (who was still not talking to me, but was far less harsh today) was practicing golf swings in the living. He then disappeared when I got to the room and went to eat his breakfast upstairs, as I tended to Ruby.
I was all ready and waiting until she finished up, then Keiran comes down the stairs, gets his gold gear ready, puts his coat on and with an ‘Alright! Come on then Rubes.’ He grabs her up, puts her shoes, socks and coat on and well…at this point I don’t know what’s going on? Maybe he was just wanting to get her ready. He’ s been lovely to Ruby the entire time even though we’ve not been talking. He’s been good to her always.
I watch…and i’m questioning…so i’m texting and tweeting…or looking like I am whilst spying by a vase of flowers. He puts on her shoes and coat, zips her up, puts her hood up, she moaning and saying that she wants ‘Mummy to do it.’ She does that when she wants to tantrum. It’s always the ‘other person’ that has to do it. He is assertive and says ‘Nope..Daddy’s doing it,’ and replonks her on his knee to place her hood up.
She’s ready, he goes to the patio door, takes his golf clubs, picks up Ruby and grabs her butterfly nursery bag and well as she’s waving ‘bye bye’ to me, I get the picture that he’s doing the nursery run…and whether I like it or not. He had been upset the previous two morning because I hadn’t let him do it. We didn’t speak to one another, but he knew I was watching and like I always say actions really do speak louder than words.
He closed the patio door, after she did her ‘bye-byes’ and a mouthful of more breakfast. (I was teaching her how to use a spoon appropriately this morning. She does now, yet her mannerisms aren’t that of a refined lady, so to speak. She got annoyed at me and responded with a ‘GOSH!!! ALRIGHT MUMMY!!!!’ 🙂 I love that. #divamuch)
But yeah, this morning he took her to nursery and because he wanted to and well that’s what he was doing whether I liked it or not and weirdly without him even saying a word to me, I respected him, loved him and fancied him that little bit more. I guess in my world, when it comes to men, I find it highly attractive when they take the initiative and assertively get the job the done, (if it’s something positive) regardless as to whether I’m speaking to them or not.
It made me want to snog him and we never snog because I don’t know how anymore. It was sexy because he had been upset about it all and instead of sitting down and being moany and blanking me…(like us girls do because we’re hormonal) he simply thought, that’s it…i’m not letting HER do the run and he took the lead and sorted it out. He even had somewhere to go, (golf lesson) so it was sort of out of his way. But he did it. It made a massive difference to the way I saw him, as I had been viewing him as moody and girly..and well it’s not okay, but far more feminine to be that way. Men are men and well they should be wired differently. When they act hormonal and moody…it’s less attractive to women.
But today, he was sexy and he was MAN. Even though we still didn’t talk and we still ignored one another, the air was not as awkward as normal and well what he did…spoke volumes and I liked it. It was sort of like he was taking control of the matter and wasn’t going to let me do something that he thought he could do better.
It put me in check..silently of course…I mean i was still peeking at the actions by a flower arrangement for crying out loud! 🙂 And it made me see that he was no longer going to lower himself to my level of drama and instead do things his way and do it with a firm, happy, yet positive spirit. I mean, I was adamant last night that I WAS DOING the nursery run. Yet this morning…i let him do it…and because he had taken the initiative.
I mean we’re still not talking…but I was proud of him and it made me think about the things that I had done that were maybe irrational. Say for example the thing with Baby Ruby and him taking her somewhere else after nursery. I completely lost it with him and maybe I shouldn’t have. I mean, he’s been raising my daughter like his own since she was only 6 months old. He’s done the late nights with her, early mornings, taught her to walk, talk and love…meaning that even though she is biologically mine…he DOES have his rights as her Father, maybe not legally, but morally and emotionally. He loves her and more importantly she loves HIM…and he loves ME. Maybe my hormones and the insecurity of being pregnant have been getting the better of me? Like I haven’t felt as yummy, or pretty or anything this time around…so maybe i’ve acted in a manner unknowingly…to possess what IS MINE (as in Rubes) and feel good about myself? He’s not been angelic either…but i’ve trusted him and loved him even if i haven’t shown it over the past few days.
It made me rethink everything…and well I certainly know that Keiran and I go through a lot in our relationship. We’re both emotional people and can go from ‘hot and cold’ in a second. We’re also both really alike, meaning that if we’re not working together, it’s a definite clash of egos and power when we fight. But I also know that no matter what we always make it right and it may not be right, right now…but it will be, because we both want to be loved and both love each other. We love our family and we want the same result in life. We were placed together for a reason…and one day you’ll all get to celebrate that reason with us! In the end we tend to do what’s right for ourselves as individuals, each other..and our family. So hold on tight folks and keep ya fingers crossed.
But for now, he’s golfing and I’m maybe needing my hair or nails done. I think I also need a tan.
It’s 5 days until I go away….but I’ll tell you more about in the next blog. I’ll tell you all about it later…as this blog is far too long for the less patient.