Well I had a good day, to say life is quite awkward right now. Keiran and I are still not talking and things are sort of going from bad to worse and simply out of stubborness.
Today, I wanted to make up because I felt as though we were both putting pride before the things that matter. I mean, we’re married, we’re having a baby boy and well Ruby (although as happy as can be…even though I am never taking her shopping ever again, holy moly that kid can shop..the majority of her life is spend reaching and throwing things into my basket)…anyway before I get distracted…well last night in her sleep she woke up crying in my bed and literally sad, ‘I miss my Daddy Keiran.’ I have never ever heard her say that before and well mainly because she couldn’t communicate efficiently. Yet now she can…and after a few tears and a few shoutouts of ‘Daddy’ in her sleep, it sort of brought my life into perspective. It actually hurt me so much that i had to go into another room upstiars when she had settled and have a bit of a ‘princess’ cry. I mean, when I first dated him and on our first date, one of the first things I ever said to him was that I had a daughter and therefore had to ‘think for two people.’ Last night and without her knowing she reminded me that even when it comes to the hard times and when things are a little less rosy…I can’t just give it all up on a whim…I still…as a decent mother…have to ‘think for two people.’
Saturday, I was out all day shopping in Doncaster with my family. Great day. beautiful weather. I missed him and out of stubborness…did nothing about it. When I got home, he had gone out and well I didn’t really then see him until 9pm…he said nothing, I said nothing, we ignored each other and I went to bed. I was pissed off at him because he had disappeared without telling me where he was…and deliberately…as part of his ‘game.’ He’s actually done the same thing this evening.
Today, is usually Ruby’s ‘Daddy Pete’ day, yet due to him working in the morning etc..etc…he couldn’t see her until the afternoon. Keiran had already decided to leave again, after we hadn’t been speaking to one another all morning….that was at about 11am…and well it’s 10pm now and he still isn’t home. I have no idea where he is. He obviously still hasn’t managed to get things back into perspective.
Anyway, I wanted Rubes to have the best day ever so I decided to take her out for a bit of Sunday lunch with ‘The Wunna’s,’ a bit of shopping and a bit of playtime. OMG! She loves it. She even shouted…’Wow-ee Mummy! I LOVE IT!’ It made my entire heart melt and well it’s moments like those that completely matter.
I had missed Keiran all day and well because I love him. But was going through that moment where you just want to make up and make it all better…yet you’ve both gone so far with the ‘game’ of fighting that you can’t. I was less angry and more hurt because it’s really hard to be sat in a room next to someone who really love and think that they don’t care about you anymore.
I had Sunday dinner. I adored Baby Ruby. I took great advice off my Mum and after a brief bit of bed sheet buying, she took me to ‘Ask’ to talk and cheer me up…over olives and pasta. It worked. I felt great. I felt lucky to have such a wonderful support system. I told her how i truly felt and well again…(I actually didn’t get home form dinner myself until 7.30pm) I intended to try and make it all better, once home.
However…i got home…and instead of thinking the same of me, he intended to stay out and not return as of yet…which has sort of just made me think that i’m actually stupid and that he actually really doesn’t care about me at all. So, now instead of feeling ‘peace maker..’ i’m back to angry, meaning a pointless cycle of hurting each other…is not one bit broken and I guess will continue, because before I had taken it a step further, but now HE’S taking it a step too far, to the point where the return of it all isn’t easy. But i’m used to boys being idiotic with me. It’s part of being ‘Chrissie Wunna’ I think.
I’ve just put baby Ruby to bed and i’m late night blogging in the quiet in the living room, on my own. I know I can take this, because nothing is put in front of you that you can’t handle and I had decided early that the important thing for me to do would be to think of ‘two’ hearts instead of one. I’m all clear. I know what I want. So, now the balls in his court…because HE obviously doesn’t have it clear and if he does, then he has a very bizarre way of showing it and well he’s making it worse for everyone now. It’s funny how the choices you make in a second can completely alter the way the rest of the day runs for you. I mean, i was quite prepared to make up with him this evening, but because he couldn’t be bothered to be home or tell me where he was…i couldn’t…and that changed my perspective on the situation, because he showed me that he didn’t care. Actions always speak louder than words, right!