Wow! Yesterday went down hill.
Beautiful weather it was and a fine day I was having. Then just like that out of nowhere, it took a swan dive and I found myself wedged in a corner of life that I call ‘being taken advantage of.’ It’s like the ‘naughty corner’ but shitter, because you’re an adult and well you’re not as well appreciated, as a child is.
Now, as you all know, i’m feisty. I’m loving and giving and all that bit of fairytale….but i’m feisty. However, i did used to be far more giving, yet after a distinct stream of handsome and not so handsome young men, who made it their executive decision to use me and deliciously dollop a jolly load of maybe emotional abuse upon my little pretty shoulders…I changed. I actually changed for the better and began to put ME first, without feeling bad about it and give to those who didn’t try to push or manipulate me, yet those who deserved my time, help and honour. It doesn’t matter if you feel as though you’re being used mentally, emotionally, financially, or physically …it’s all pretty much the same. Makes you need a wine and a cry.
Yesterday, I found myself being dragged and pulled to do everything possible for others and nothing for me. They didn’t even care…they just wanted their own result and to benefit from it, regardless as to whether i wanted to be a part of their pokery or not. Now, when it’s people you don’t care about, it’s easy to give them the ‘shrug,’ yet when it’s people that you do have a heart for…it’s not that ‘piss pot’ easy. 🙂
I felt pressured into helping people with things that don’t even 1% concern me. People tried to fool me, manipulate me, prod at me, nag at me…and i found it all so ugly that it began to piss me off. Ugliness in people becomes very apparent during moments of this sort and well i do not mix well with it. I place on my stubborn heels and begin to gloriously kick off.
I was booking taxi’s, trains, refusing to dish out money, then refusing to deposit money for others, whilst being made to do University essays and everything in between…which meant putting MY WORK and what I WANTED TO DO, to one side. Bottom line, you shouldn’t put people on the spot and make them feel as though they should help you. It’s poor manners and I find it unattractive. Plus, if someone doesn’t wish to do something, they don’t wish to do something and that should be respected…not manipulated, as surely only an evil person would try and mould the thoughts of another in order to make them feel pressured.
I’m confused as to why people can’t sort out their own problems (I do, I had to fend for myself in tinsel town…fair enough it was glitzy…but still i sorted myself out) and I’m confused as to why if i don’t come to the aid of someone, even if their problem has nothing to do with me, that they get angry at me? (You’re problem, you’re fault…usually.) If you’ve got a problem that you need solved, you really can sort it yourself, without roping others into it…if you can’t…your inadequate and therefore shouldn’t push the blame of your own inadequacies on someone else. I had help queries from everyone, my mother, my brother, my husband, my friends…my everything. It was a bizarre little day.
The good thing about me is that, i’ve already learnt that lesson the hard way and will no way ever get caught up in it again. (Even though i did end up having to stay up until 2am writing someone’s Uni essay for them, which i only finished at 12 noon-ish today. There was no thank you’s for it or anything. Just a ‘good’ and a ’email it to me.’ It kinda made me really sad that I wasn’t appreciated…because it reminds me of my past, when I would run around doing everything for everyone, all innocent and wholeheartedly, only to realize far too late that they were just taking advantage of me the entire time. (You always realize far too late when you’re learning. You’ll fall off your heels a few times, yet that one time you’ll get up and be more stable. 🙂 )
At that time i felt so stupid and so worthless (yippeee) that I finally managed to grow out of it and become ‘hero’ strong, in a good way too…as i’m still deliciously lovely, yet a whole lot wiser. Lol. Thank GOD! I even laugh at those who attempt to insult me with mere manipulation methods now and don’t one bit feel bad for not aiding those who i can read like a book. They always try to make you feel bad for not helping them. I think i’m just a girl who likes to sort her own problems out herself and my pride doesn’t allow me to ask for help. If i fall flat on my arse…it’s my own fault usually.
Yesterday, i put everything I wanted to one side and for others. Yet the sad thing was the others didn’t really appreciate the help, they just wanted to benefit from my help. Two very different things. Annoying toooooo!
Then to top it all off…after hours and hours and hours of helping my brother had been spent and I had pushed all my things and what I actually wanted to do to one side. All of which was witnessed by my husband, who was somewhat sympathetic at the time, yet had previously asked me to do something that would only benefit him really. When i refused or stated that i needed time to think, he then tried to also ‘add pressure’ (which just makes me do the opposite.) Romantic I know!
I get into his stupid van, not to help him out with his ‘whatever’ problem, but to mildy do him a favour by being the ‘van sitter’, as he parks in an inappropriate spot in Pontefract and tends to the banking. I didn’t even want to go. I only went because I figured he needed me to. He then, after seeing me stress out for hours and hours on end, feeling taking advantage of and unappreciated, decides he’s going to make it all better by pausing, waiting until I get comfy in the van and then by re-asking me to HELP HIM do the previous thing that I didn’t want to do… and straight away, meaning he didn’t at all care that i was being used and had felt used all night and all morning. He just thought that the art of someone else using me before HE could, was a hinderance for him, as he now wasn’t going to get what he wanted out of me. MEN! How terrible! How selfish! AND after all that, he left it a whole joyous minute, before posing the question AGAIN and because he didn’t like the answer. What? (We actually had a lovely morning breakfast together, out at a garden centre this morning. We used to do it all the time, but i fancied being out and about and kinda needed a bit of air. All was well, but we talked about money and how people need to work hard for it. THEN he decides to bring up his idea that i haven’t worked hard for money because I used to do a job that really wasn’t anything to be proud of. I think he stated that being a glamour model, wasn’t an ‘honest living.’ Now, i admit that it wasn’t the best living, when you look at all the potential i had in me to pretty much do a lot of things. But firstly, i turned it around and SECONDLY I don’t enjoy people judging others in that manner. It’s like belittling them when you have no power. So he might thing posing and pouting with your boobs out isn’t necessarily an ‘honest living,’ which is an opinion he is entitled to have. (Even though he is a fan of staring at bare boobs online and in magazines. For example he doesn’t know you the Prime Minister was 8 years ago, but he knows who Pamela Anderson is.) However, I can clearly state, that in my opinion i’m not so sure that training to kill and take the lives of others is necessarily an ‘honest living’ either…Mr.Soldier. Like with everything, it depends on how you look at it. Yet I’m not rude enough to demean someone…because I don’t have to. I feel good about myself.)
Anyway, the van argument, after he asked me for the favour ended in me saying, ‘NO.’ Him then asking me ‘why’ and then me stating that i had only JUST GOT DONE BEING TAKING ADVANTAGE OF, meaning it wasn’t happening again, one minute afterward!! How dare he even attempt to make me sort his problem out, after all that and after he pretended to be sympathetic. It rubbed me the wrong way…and you never want to do that. Stroke me the right way and i’ll purr like a kitten. Stroke me the wrong way ans you’ll get an arched back *HISS.*
I screamed at him and said, ‘I’M SIMPLY NOT DOING IT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TOOOO!’
He replied, although annoyed with a ‘That’s fair enough. That’s fine by me.’
He didn’t mean it though, because then in true Keiran style, he then was extremely sweet to me for a good 4 minutes, before losing his temper and YELLING AT ME in the van. Hmm..? He followed up with an apology for calling me ‘a child’ (after I threw my apple at the van dashboard) and ‘negative’…to only then start SCREAMING at me again and finding reasons why I was such a horrific person. I’m apparently sooo negative and he can’t stand it, when he’s the one that’s been negative over the last few days. He’s the one that’s had business problems and stress and late night wine banter…not me. I’m happy…yet simply just a moany preggo.
I might outwardly come across as feisty and hard glazed, yet internally i’m truly happy and filled with gooey joy. That’s why good things happen to me. He tried to mask his stress over with a glaze of wordy happiness today…hence why he lost it and had to scream at me, in order to make himself feel better. It’s how it works.
He spat his dummy out, then he was lovely to me again…then he spot his dummy out once more, when i wouldn’t respond the way he wished me too…then he name called and was apologetic and lovely to me again..all the while calling ME ‘hot and cold.’ HE was HOT AND COLD. I was directly one thing, the entire time…an that was annoyed at him. Nothing moved. Nothing changed. I stood my ground. He swang from branch to branch emotionally. He’s easy to read. Whilst complaining about having to put up with me. I simply replied with a ‘well you don’t have to, do you.’ He said nothing. I mean why complain about something you’re choosing to do. That’s all he kept saying to me last night when i was doing someone University assignment for them. (I can’t do assignments without champagne.)
We did the errand running and he apologised to me again, all smooches and light and all for our upcoming baby…not realizing that you don’t actually get to say whatever you want and be evil, then be so easily forgiven with a ‘sorry.’ I ignored him…he hated it and drove us both home.
We said nothing to one another the entire time and i looked out of the window and cried. UGH! Don’t you just hate those moments, when you’re a girl. I had little tears rolling down my cheeks and i deliberately didn’t wipe them so he wouldn’t notice. He luckily didn’t notice and by the time I had managed to get home, they had tried all on their own. THANK GOD.
I’m now sat on my bed blogging away merrily and feeling good that i have this time to myself. He’s gone out for watch racing and drink with Phil. As he departed i refused to give him a kiss and simply because I didn’t want to, and he stated that he would make sure Baby Ruby was picked up at 5.30pm. (Which he will later use as part of his argument. ‘I do everything for you and you do nothing. I even pick up YOUR DAUGHTER from nursery.’) In my mind, i don’t do ‘nothing.’ Plus, if i ask him to do something it’s more of the ‘make me a cuppa tea’ variety and ‘change a dirty nappy’ sort. Not buy a house, a car, make my accounts popular!
I’m going to work all day today and use my time wisely..the time that others waste.
I have a lot of great things going on and well the ‘Wunna’ part of my life is delicious. I’m doing really well, well i always am and it’s continuing to go smoothly. The business is doing better than expected and i’m headed for the stars. I am looking forward to being skinny though. Roll on May. This waddle-waddle moon face malarky is definitely very over. It’ll be a long time before i produced another bump, I can tell you that!
I’m very very lucky and i can’t WAIT to get my Baby Ruby home. I miss her! She’s adorable and my little partner in crime. She was so cute this morning, bossy..but cute. *Wiggle-wink*
I’m still currently ignoring Keiran and because i don’t want to indulge in conversation with him as of yet. I’m not over it yet and enjoying ME TIME to much. Even though I know i’m all worked up right now, hence why i’m needing a vent, i will tell you that the comedy factor of my life is the simply fact that i’m all ‘huffy-puffy’ but now need to make JELLY for my Baby Ruby, before she comes home from nursery and simple because she wishes to watch Tom & Jerry and *wobble* at the same time as Tom does, when he sneaks into the kitchen fridge at midnight and gobbles up the food…He sort of balances wobbly jelly on a spoon and as he eats it it turns him wibbly. 🙂 Don’t ask. I’m off to make it. Children really do put your life into perspective. They’re brilliant!
Life is good…and well i guess it can only get better. 🙂 Already perking up!
Wunna’s Tune of the Day!