‘B’ is for Bollocks

So my Tuesday evening, November 6th, 2012, ended with me being in floods of mental tears, then frantically making a warm baby bottle, followed by more floods of mental tears, being mildy shouty and them literally *PUNCHING* a male member of the world, with a Tommy Tippee baby bottle in the same fist, IN THE BOLLOCKS, with all of my might and watching them fall to a kitchen floor, as i drama glided in a state of cryey ‘rush-rush’ upstairs to bed, in layered pyjamas. 🙂 When will i learn.
Now, i’m not proud of my mentalist moment ans especially since i could hear them ‘awww-ouching’ on the floor of a kitchen, with their goolies in their hand. (The last time i hit someone in the balls was when i was in 6th form at school. It was Wazza and by a toaster. It was our monring break in the study block. We were in maroon sweaters. Now Wazza is a calm, positive spirit even when you’ve managed to wind him up completely. But when i punched HIM in the balls, even HE ‘ouched’ a little with his hands cupped around his goolies and then out of nowhere picked me up, flung me over his shoulder, charged forward running, opened a GIANT window and THREW ME OUT OF IT, onto a grassy patch, by a tennis court. 🙂 ) Goolie smacking is really cruel and childish. Yet weirdly there’s always a random comedic spin to violence, when the approach is a punch in the goolies. 🙂  I mean, it’s very 7 years old and it was all i could bring myself to do, to release preggo anger, during a heated debate about the art of homewrecking. I was on Team ‘Homewrecking is horrific,’ and only for the insecure, yet the other, used to be a homewrecker and therefore felt the person tending to the wrecking on a home was not to blame. (Which is never true. It always takes two to tango. TWO. If you know the other person is married and you have chosen not to leave their homelife in peace, then you and the ‘taken’ spouse, are both to blame, for the heartache of the person left standing. So that bit of random fun, that means absolutely nothing in the long run, devastates the life of another. Meaning bad bad karma is ready to come you’re way.) Bottom line, i’m always highly passionate about what i believe is right, so i’ll fight my case to the dying end. (Even if im wrong.) It ends in googlie smacking, if you do not surrender. The humour of that is quite awfully not lost on me. 🙂 I’m almost 3 months pregnant and smacking people’s balls with asian fists and baby bottles. I’m not good with these hormones and the art of bickering. It’s a cocktail headed for disaster for me. I get all emotional and start being ‘Karate.’ Then i just cry and say sorry in the morning.
I actually woke up, after a really deep sleep. I woke up forgetting that the evening before i had goolie whacked another. Then as soon as i remembered, it hit me like a bad drunken (but i was completely sober) memory and i felt really really terrible, like i was about to get a good 5 year old telling off. So i did what any good mother would do and hide behind my one year old daughter and used her as my emotional shield until i got downstairs. 🙂
Then the guilt kicked in and i simply apologised for my insanity, which big girl tears in my eyes and my falling down my nose specs. (FYI. Specsavers are rubbish. They forgot to order my contact lenses again and told me that i hadn’t had an eye test in years. I went to pay them a ‘Hoochie mama visit half an hour ago and ‘oh look’ i actually got my eyes tested in February THIS YEAR. So i still have no proper sight until they re-order. I love poor service. It’s my favourite. I was lovely though. I always look better when i’m passive aggressive. It works with my outfit.) Anyway, luckily i was forgiven for my burst of preggo nonsense and because my apology was sincere and filled with morning tears. I was given a cuddlle of reassurance and a Weetabix and then i began to get Ruby ready for her nursery picture taking day today. (I put her in a pink baby dress by one of my favourite designers Julien MacDonald, all over the top for winter and ridiculous. 🙂 ) I hope she does well, as i love seeing her school piccadoodees. I really do have an ace daughter, which makes me excited for my upcoming bundle of joy that i have a cooking in my belly bum. When one of the child carers changed Ruby’s nappy at school, the fruit of my loins, looked with a smile then responded with a Thanks Babe! AT ONE!!   She’s so super chatty now, it’s incredible. It’s random sentence galore, with a cute baby voiced attitude. Having a family really is the best thing ever. I know i keep braking on about it, but i really do have an amazing husband and a delicious daughter. It couldn’t be better and with one little surprise on the way…well Wunna Land couldn’t be more exciting. (I will be having a baby break after this one though. I mean, as much as i enjoy being a baby making machine. I don’t want to get carried away with it all, just yet.)
Whatelse did i need to tell you?
Oh god yeah! BT are SHIT! I’m currently at the library writing my blog to Wazza via email and because BT have managed to technically fuck up AGAIN. Every month they GET IT WRONG. It’s either a technical issue or an account issue. ALWAYS! So i now have no internet at home until they fix their own shitty mistake. Great customer service. #knobheads. I’m a blogger, i need good reliable internet.
Alli’m gonna say is over charging someone is never good and then having to convince a company that your name actually ISN’T Karen fucking Warner and that i shouldn’t be paying for her bill also, means they are the biggest pile of shit ever. #moanover
On a good note, i’m charged from taking these new vitamin pills for pregnant ladies. I felt woozy at first, but now i’m like a super human, but with mild toothache. I’m full steam ahead, with a rocket in my frillies. I soo wanted to do my ‘Christmas list’ blog for you today. I had the piccies ready and everything. But now BT have ruined my life, i can’t post it yet. 🙁
I’ve managed to get a duvet for Ruby’s new ‘Hello Kitty’ room and i weirdly decided to buy a potty too. Apparently you can tell a lot about the things that people buy, so today i will tell you that i have a potty, a child toilet training seat (sexy,) a handful of Christmas decorations, a needle and thread, a duvet, a pack of sweets, some toffees and fuck it i can’t rememebr whatelse. I need to get out of this library before i start smelling like a granny.
I’m signing off and going to get my nails done. I think i’m meant to pick up a package also before teh day ends. Hopefully i’ll have internet by tomorrow. Famous last words BT!

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