Never play with fire…

A body in motion stays in motion and my body is certainly not willing to attempt such a task at the minute. For the last couple of days i’ve felt wretched, exhausted and like the ‘P’ for ‘party’ has been completely sucked out of me and with 102 bendy straws. My heads a mush and my wiggle has taken a wander, as i lay on my sofa, strapped under my stain cocoon, snacking, telly watching and hoping to feel better. I mean, i couldn’t even find it in me to blog yesterday and even worse, i actually spent minutes of my life turning a pear into ET, with my mouth!! I’m meant to be the Ultimate Glamour Puss, hair-tossing through sequinned champagne nights. I’m now squashed in my own comfort, in a jumper and leggings, feeling queezy and like i can’t possibly find it in myself to do anything, other than being exhausted, snacking on marshmellows and well..turning pears into ET. Anytime you’ve looked at your eaten pear and beenso  impressed at the fact that it resembles an alien, you know you’re in trouble. I spent all of yesterday laid on a sofa, acheing and chatting and nibbling away at little Haribo’s. I even managed to nap, whilst being cuddled by arm candy on the sofa. Even ‘arm candy’ didn’t make me feel too much better. I’m just in a giant preggo haze. I did get called ‘Frigid’ though, which always puts a smile on my face. I’m fond of being called ‘frigid’ due to a time in chemistry many moons ago, which brings laughter to my soul. However, i don’t want to emphasize how much i enjoy the word, simply because all you boys’ll start calling me it and inboxing me frantically, in order to make me feel happy. Although the intention of it all is good…i tend not to reply to a male inbox and simply because no matter what, after the first few lines of banter, they always seem to turn it into something sexual or an opportunity to ask me out on a date. I must know the size of almost 100 mens willy sizes on Facebook and simply because they feel it’s romantic to tell me that bit of information BEFORE they tell me anything else. Some might add a ‘you’re beautiful’ infront of it, however, a ‘You’re beautiful. My dick is 9 1/4 inches long,’ doesn’t have the same ring to it. 🙂 I mean, i’m a mum and have another one on the way. That’s not kinky. What is wrong with some men and their untamed minds??

Anyway, on the whole life is good. I’ve had my moan and even though i’m feeling ill and not used to it, simply because my first pregnancy was nothing like this. I was never sick. I was all happy, chipper and *strut-strut.* I’ll snap out of it soon, i hope, i think? God knows? But i have another month of feeling fuzzy. (Went to see the midwife the other day and my bambino is estimated to pop out on June 4th.) I AM KNACKERED.

The good thing is that it seems my chick friends are all finding lovely men in their lives right now. They are being taken to beautiful dinners, with romantic settings and being treated to little Princess treats, due to the boy wanting to impress them. I love it and i feel like i’ve taught them well. Y’know…like how a girl should expect to be treated and what the boys should be doing to impress us Ladies, because at the end of the day they are meant to be the hunters and the wooers. I’m so sick of boys, especially emotionally young boys treating women poorly and pushing the blame on woman kind. We are the objects of their affection and should be treated in that way at all times. I’m always one to stand up for myself and always been one to fearlessly state how i believe things should be and well i’m glad that some of you ladies are now being brave too. I get a lot of messages from women who tell me all about their relationships and how they feel i’ve liberated them. Now, i’m not sure how i’ve at all managed to  do that, but i’m certainly flattered and extremely glad that i have. Behind every great man is an even greater woman and some men aren’t lucky to have a great woman behind them. But as long as you KNOW you are great and for all the right reasons, you’ll glow with a radiance so beautiful and so strong that you will be the most attractive chica on the block.

Talking about messages, i once got a message from a young teenage girl, i think she was 15 or 16? And she had written to me, telling me that she felt lost, that  my blog had made her feel strong and that she felt like she was suffering because her mum needed help, as she was a druggie and an alcoholic. At the same time HER MUM, who had been reading my blog, also wrote to me saying that she felt lost and like she was failing as a mother and because she had a teenage daughter, who was being put as a 2nd priority due to drinking and drugs. She was apparently writing to me from her bathroom floor, where she has just been sick.

It’s crazy the kinds of things that come my way, but it make me feels good to maybe try and help, or really just listen, well accidentally inspire without doing anything,  but telling the story of my life. (Zac Efron is on my telly telling Ellen DeGeneres that dinner as a first date makes him feel awkward and uncomfortable and that he likes a more adventurous first date. Now, i ADORE Zac Efron, but it’s kinda put me off him a bit. I’m not keen on ‘adventure’ boys. You know what i mean, the boys that like to swing around at assault courses, or adrenline junkies, or those you do upside downy things on motorbikes, or bungee jumps. I find it unattractive, and i don’t know why? Maybe because it goes against everything that i am? 🙂 I love luxury, love, romance and the champagne comfort of a 5 * indoor safety. I don’t need to put myself in danger in order to feel alive. I feel alive already and pretty damn sexy in my alive state too!!  I always think boys who do bungee jumps are either idiots or attention seekers. If it takes the danger of ‘maybe dying’ in order to make you feel free, then surely you have emotional issues. It’s like they have nothing in their life to live for or they could risk the things and people they have in their life, for a moment of adrenaline. If you can’t have a yummy dinner and sit in a luxury, with a wine and a family, filled with peace, love and harmony then to me, you’ve lost the plot. I’m not turned on by danger and it worries me when people are. For some reason it makes me feel like they’re unstable. Lol

I mean i remember i went out on this date in LA with this guy in LA, who used to be a model but now owned a bunch of tanning salons. Can’t remember how or where i met him, but he asked me out, so i agreed to a daytime lunch at The Kings Rd cafe, near where i lived. I’ve told you about this before, but i’ve always remembered it. The idea was that we were going to do lunch and then for the second half of the date go furniture shopping. (Which is dodgy anyway isn’t it? I don’t wanna be picking out wardrobes, or seeing how bouncy a bed is on the first date, with a stranger. I’ve honestly met the most beautiful and most WEIRD boys alive. My LA friends have always said that i make men feel uncomfortable with my presence, like they feel the need to be impressive and go to pot because they try and act how they think i want them to act, instead of being themselves.)

Anyway, lunch was great, the sun was out, he looked cute, it was busy and he was tall, tanned and latin looking. He delivered great confident banter, smeared with a light bit of male machoism that men seem to ‘put on’ with women on dates. We laughed, we chatted, he went on about how beautiful i was and then he RUINED IT, by stating how much he enjoyed danger and the art of ‘playing with fire.’ Then he said he was turned on by rough sex with women, where he could tie them up and spit in their mouths, whilst they were naked. ERM…..?

Once, you’e lost me on a first date, that’s it…i’m gone. I don’t even pretend i’m impressed. I have a giggle and well make it clear via the fine art of body language and TELLING you that this simply isn’t going to be my cup of tea. I like to say ‘I’m just really busy right now.’ Meaning, i don’t have time in my life for this relationship to occur. I’ve been on MILLIONS of first dates and every time i’ve got out of their swanky car and swung- slam shut the door behind me, i’ve always know straight away whether i wanted to be with them or not.

Furniture shopping was shit after that. I felt really uncomfortable hanging out with him and he could tell. So he pulled out the last trick in the book, (after he performed the ‘look i’m really fun’ trick) and that was the showing me his car. Your car will not make me like you more.I hate cars. I’m not impressed by them. I only that if you have a good one, you have more money than a man who doesn’t, which still doesn’t make me like you more.

He was polite, but knew it was going oddly. The sun was out and he asked me to meet him at The Cabana Club that evening. Meet him? Boys don’t ask girls they want to date to MEET THEM anywhere, they come and GET THEM! By that point, it didn’t matter to me that he was quite easy on the eyes, i just looked at him and with a sweet giggles said, ‘I’m just too busy right now…but..yeah..soon.’ (I like that i wasn’t bamboozled by his money or looks and that i declined his affection based upon the fact that he didn’t treat me well enough. Girls seem to always but that little factor on the back burner.)

I walked home, i the sun, back to my condo and told my room mates ALL about it.  What an idiot and that was one man out of the hundreds i’ve been on dates with, no wonder i have expectations of the male gender. At 31 and now a mum, with one on the way and my head thoroughly screwed on, too right, i want to be impressed!!!

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