Had the perfect’s nights sleep last night, tucked up in my kitten sheets. I felt at peace because i knew the next morning.(this morning) would be a breath of fresh air. Keiran and I are not speaking to one another. We ignored each other ALL day yesterday and well i felt suffocated by having him around me, all miserable and filled with betrayal. It’s awkward having some boy in your own home, invading your space and making you feel uncomfortable by his presence, who you’re married to. Lol. Hardly, the way any ‘fairytale’ was written. I disliked every inch of him yesterday, firstly for screaming at me for writing the blog. (He likes me to write only the good things about him and not the bad. What he doesn’t realize is that i know people and the world a great deal better than him and human’s have both good & bad wires. If you only tell the story of your good, then you are ashamed of your bad, which means that you not only have no balance, but you really don’t like that part of you. I love every part of me, because i feel whole. I feel loved and i feel strong. Hence why i’ve told my story honestly for the last 5 years. The good things i’ve done, the bad things i’ve done and how i’ve developed from doing life with ‘L’ plates. It always makes me question someone who doesn’t like people to know the bad parts of them. Hiding things, makes you fake. It actually makes you weak.
But yes, i’m happy today because i have my entire home to MYSELF. *Cheer here.* He’s in London all day today meaning i can feel at peace, without having to go around my own home watching my step and avoiding him. #yay I have a lunch date, a meeting, a bit of a groom-fest and then a lovely bit of therapy. (Lord knows, i need it right now. It’ll be good to finally be able to talk to someone about my relationship issues and have someone listen to the things that have happened to me from Feb of this year onward..things that i’ve not really been allowed to express. It’ll feel like a lifted burden and then i’ll finally get the advice i need to adjust, wiggle, move forward and clearly decide how i intend to journey onward. I do feel happy and like i said i do feel strong, as the last bit of news delivered to me in regards to him secret texting, has pushed my tolerance lever passed the ‘okay’ mark and simply because i think of everything he’s put me through emotionally, mentally and physically since February, that i haven’t been able to fully release. It’s forced me to ‘bottle up’ and i’m just not that kind of girl. So now it’s caused this effect.
Plus it’s not just that, that has pushed my tolerance level too far. I mean, he’s the kind of boy that would go mental if i ever even thought of ever messaging a boy i once had sexual relations with, regardless to the nature of the chat. (I’m not like that, i don’t ever need to put myself out there. I don’t see my exes as people, i need to make still like me. I blank them as they’re something that i was better than and that they can never ever have back. He’s the opposite because he yearns to be loved…and by everyone. Like even if a girl doesn’t fancy him, he’ll probably thing she does.) Basically, he’d go ape if i ever thought of doing such a thing, when through our entire relationship, he’d been secretly conversing with plenty of girls that he once had sexual relations with. Be it innocent or not, he didn’t once consider how that may make me feel and he’d hate it if i did that to him. I mean, even with the recent one i found out about. He was sat with me on the sofa, cuddling me, being all lovey dovey. We were watching the girl on the on the telly ( a girl that he had told me he had boned) and whilst being as cuddly buddly to me as possible, was trying to text her AT THE SAME TIME, on that exact night and low and behold, two weeks later, she tells a friend, who just so happens to know me, shows her the messages and jeopardises his entire marriage based upon the urge of a moment, where the thought of opportunity got the better of him. He hasn’t even apologised. All he’s said is that it’s my fault and that he finds it funny. Then said he would smash up all my laptops if i blogged it. (Surely you would have to smash up all the laptops in the entire world, or infact me, in order to stop someone telling their story.) He’s just the kind of boy that will always learn the hard way and it’s sad because you can’t teach him, he experiences it and burns himself and that’s an awful thing to watch someone you’re married to, go through. I know that people make mistakes and you can’t change the past and that the way to move forward is to calmly discuss it, resolve it and work out a way to make it all better. However, as the saying goes, ‘you’re not ready for your next, if you’re still replying to your ex.’
But anyway, we ended up fighting and screaming at each other. I hate people trying to control my blog out of their own fear. He said if i blogged it, i would ruin our entire relationship. I looked at him, paused and shouted ‘I DON’T CARE!!!!!’ Then he said, so your blog means more to you than me and i said ‘YES!’ Then he said something that sealed the deal with me..that i will get to in a little bit, as ofcourse i have some news…
But back to my blog being MORE important. Technically, my blog is about ME and MY ACTUAL LIFE, so yes it means GREAT DEAL TO ME. (It’s not a silly story about donkies, mating in fields of poppies. Well it nearly is. 🙂 ) Bottom line, my life is my everything. I value my life and my existance. Without life, i’m dead. Plus, it doesn’t text girls that it’s had sex with and ask for their number, behind my back, when married to me. I trust my life, i trust me. I’m a lucky girl. Life has always craddled me well, with a giddy wiggle and joyous wink. Not matter what, i’ll always do even better than ‘fine.’ I never know why boys don’t get how important my blog is to me? Like a boy i was dating in LA once delete my entire blog behind my back because he didn’t like it. When i confronted him about it and he finally admitted it, he said, ‘You didn’t really lose anything. What’s the big deal? I don’t get? It’s just a blog.’ I looked at him and said, ‘To you, it’s just a blog. But you have deleted every single written memory that i had of my entire life, something that i can never get back,’ He paused, said ‘Oh…’ (God, i can remember like it was yesterday) and this giant ‘ooze’ of guilt just ran down his face. He even went red, quiet and teared up. I never spoke to him ever again. (He’s the reason why i don’t have any written memories of my time in LA. Years of memories he took away. He’s tried to talk to me since..i’ve ignored him ever since that moment.
It feels so good to feel free enough to express how i honestly feel. It’s like taking deep fresh breaths of air that i haven’t been able to take for so long. It’s like having my air supply re-gifted to me.
But enough of that… i have news…
Sunday- Inbetween the fighting over the secret texting, i go upstairs and do a pregnancy test. The first one, i mess up. The second one runs smoothly. I intend to wait for 3 minutes, however straight after what seemed like seconds, i look at the text and there it is, as bold as it can be…
I walk downstairs to show him and he’s overwhelmed, happy, but lost in deep thought.
It’s a wedding night baby, which couldn’t have been written more romantically. However, what an unfortunate time for something like this to occur.
What i was going to tell you before, was that after i told that i didn’t care and that i was writing my blog because i cared about it, more than him, he looked at me and told me that he would care for the baby, but wouldn’t care for me. #lovely (Even saying things of that sort out of anger, even if you don’t mean it, when your wife is pregnant…is not okay, Ever! It hardly rings the bell of support.)
That’s when we started ignoring each other…
On the plus side, like i Tweeted, the good thing about having a man tell you that he will no longer care for you, is the fact that you no longer have to cook him his dinner. 🙂
I’ve been inundated with messages and texts of support from all of my troopers, who have made me feel like i AM lucky and i am okay and it’s moments like that when you realize everything’s going to be fine. I’m lucky to have support and i’m grateful for it and i only have that support because i’ve touched their lives in some way positively.
So yeah, i’m having a wedding night baby. It’s come as a bit of a shock and it’s the very early stages where i need to be at peace and filled with calm, happy thoughts…I need to be looked after, i need to relax be and cherished in order for everything to go smoothly before i hit my 12 week marker. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be okay. Hence why i’ve signed up to see a counsellor to make sure i’m in good stead. I don’t feel sad or like a victim in any way. I feel over the moon and strong and i’m just going to see a lady to simply solidfy my strength as i’ll need it this time around, in order to make sure it all goes well, happily and securely. It’s just a really important time for me to keep sound of mind and whole and since my first few days of knowing have been made quite uncomfortable for me. (Brilliant. :)) I’m just making sure i have the support i need at hand, at the ready and there..as i don’t feel like i fully have it at home, which ofcourse is sad, but like i said on the whole i’ve got nothing to sad about, i’m a positive player in this game called life. I have a lot of help and a lot of love.
On a good note, i’m gonna get on with my day and i have a couple meetings today and i’m in Manchester tomorrow. I’m breathing and strutting forward and keeping my fingers crossed. I’ve now got a lot of work on and well i’m excited about what the future entails.
What i want women to learn is that you are a great deal more powerful than you think. Do you’re own thing and glow with happiness. If you are going through a hard time and you feel suppressed by a male, don’t ever feel too scared to voice your opinion and fight for what you believe in. ( I mean, i haven’t gone through much with Keiran really with this whole secret texting thing. It’s nothing incomparison to what some women go through. But there are women out there who are going through a great deal of pain and a lot worse moments of heartache, be it through violence, threats or emotional abuse.) Don’t let it get to you and MARCH forward and with undying strength. Do not let them control your life. Let them deal with their own karma. It gets them every time. However, if you are in a really bad situation and you daren’t voice your pain, make sure you do, because there are LAWS against people violating you, that will protect you. Erm…other than that and like i always say, women are way more powerful than men and they’re only annoyed because now we know it! Be part of the stiletto brigade and strut.
Anyway, before i go, since i got a lot of messages from all kinds of people ‘inboxing me’ support and i know that a lot of people may not be blessed with such magic….as i Tweeted this morning, just in case you didn’t wake up to kind loving words of ooh laa, to get you through your day, this is from me:
‘Good morning!! I love you.’
ps/ and just quickly…April Jones…a 5 year old little girl has been abducted and was last seen riding her bike before getting into a light coloured van, that drove off with her yesterday! There is currently a massive search for her under way and well if any of you have ANY details, no matter how small of her whereabouts or of the van in question, please please call 0300 2000 333 immediately!
I’m a mum and when i heard about this on Daybreak this morning the sheer thought of it, made me burst into tears. I cannot stress the importance of the safety of young children. Below are pictures of April. Please do anything you can to help!!