Okay, i’ve not been able to blog, due to feeling mildy lost, exhausted, drained and lazy. 🙂 I mean, so many people…ie, my mum, the boy, everyone in between have been complaining about me writing my blog and wanting to edit the written version of my life, due to them not wanting others to read the truth of my ‘tango,’ out of fear, that i’ve been frustrated. I’ve obeyed them a little. Yet, at the end of the day, it’s my life, my words, my blog and my voice. I use my blog as therapy and not entertainment and let me tell you, without a passing entry, i am MENTAL. My mum thinks I go too far with the sex talk. The boy doesn’t like an entry if it makes him look bad. What i like is the truth, my opion and a celebration that life, no matter good or bad, is delicious. I like to send out an honest message and simply because no matter who you are, or where you are, you’ll go through the same emotion, be it happy or sad, one day. Therefore, whilst he’s upstairs asleep and my mum’s on the other end of my text message, i’ve decided to go with ‘fuck it.’ I need a vent.
Over the last week i’ve been feeling soooo ‘Wunna Doll 2005.’ Not good. That was Me during my dodgey Hollywood time, where i completely lost myself, went mental, partied my life away and woke up to a different boy, almost everyone morning, before awfully dismissing them and then proving to them that I could never love them. There were also the boys that i did love and chased in secret. But on the whole, a lonely time, a bad time…a time that i wish never happened. It altered me deeply..even if i did look fabulous whilst calling them a taxi home, or begging them to adore me by a Hollywood wheely bin. 🙂 Now, my current stress isn’t about boys. I’m in a very loving relationship, (even though things have been tough just recently,) and if anything that has kept me going, as my past has decided to totter on in, without lipgloss and haunt me.
Keiran loves me madly and i’ve been treating him with absolute disreagard, due to my uncontrollably internal affairs, known to most as hormones. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but i’ve been thinking a lot recently and taken on too much all at once. I’ve been rushing around, travelling, panicking about my book, trying to be a good mum, sorting out Keiran’s quest for fame, crying, yelling, not eating and wearing too much bronzer. It made me lose myself completely, to the point where my delicious connection with life, sort of missed me, like a trapeze artist swinging through the circus air. I’ve been mental. But right now i feel calm and determined (after crap advice from a shit Doctor) to get well. (I went to see Dr.Eastwood yesterday after my mum and loverboy were concerned about my health. He was a complete weirdo. I mean, when they don’t know what’s the matter, get it all completely wrong, tell me to eat more, ask me if i can hear voices, then pick up a textbook, with a ‘yeah, i probably think a blood test and no more hormone pills,’ you kinda just wish you didn’t put in your hair piece for no reason.) I probably would’ve been better if it was fricking Clint Eastwood, at least then he would’ve handed me a rum and staggered around the room with a slur and in a cowboy hat. I would’ve understood him better. Both my parents are Doctors. I love Doctors. However, all the Doctors that i do see, who aren’t my folks, seem to be rubbish and fumbly.
I’m in my living room, looking at some red roses that the ‘handsome’ bought be for Valentines day. I’ve refused to really look at them and not because i’m ungrateful, but because i don’t like what they remind me of. I explained that i loved the idea of them, yet not where they have come from. He politely agreed and then placed them by the fireplace, as a decoration. Keiran thought that i never got him anything to Valentines day, when really i had planned something wonderful. However his ‘Quest for success’ had to come before all that, we have worked soooo hard over the past couple weeks..that it had to be frisbeed off for another time. I did the other day, do the ‘impulsive thing’ that i’ve so far managed to keep mildy secret. I love it and because nothing can ever say ‘you my forever’ than that. In my mind i totally stepped up my game. I performed a very ‘Chrissie Wunna’ thing to do on impulse, even if he would never do it himself. Which means i’m the most gutsy out the two and like my friend said, ‘from now on it would be pretty hard for him to top that little bit of a gesture.’ It makes me happy because at least i know that i 100% proved that i cared and no-one can take that away from you. Nothing is better or sexier to me, that going ALL OUT. I’m a 100% girl and well in the name of all ‘Wunna’s’ i’m fucking sexy! 🙂
But yeah, there’s been a lot of drama recently with other people butting in, trust issues, us both feeling run down and exhausted. (Who said entertainment was easy.) I’ve been up, down and really needing to get our bubble back up and running. My head feels fucked. It’s like having a constant hangover but you haven’t been drinking the night before. (Well apart from wine and shots. 🙂 ) I’m gonn have an open talk with him today, because he’s been feeling wuite unloved. We’re both the same and very dramatic. I mean, last night he stormed out again, with an ‘I will nto let you treat me like fucking shit,’ after a horrif, chavvy, druggy girl who i hate, because she wished my baby dead, who he actually boned…appeared as a flash up on his phone right infront of me. He knew i would go mental, because there was that moment where our eyes connected before the ‘blow up.’
Anyway, he left and then he came right back, after I called him and asked him too. I always hate it when he performs the DIVA ‘storm out,’ because in my world the strongest stand tall and fight their corner with a panache. (I often don’t have too much panache, but when i do, i soooo do.) I used to be a ‘runner awayer,’ until was taught that Winners were problem solvers. They’re the ones who can get back to normal the quickest, stand firm, with an open heart and a silent strength and manage to come up with a positive solution. The ones in life that gruffly fight and run off to find rum, a bird, solace, or alone time, never truely win. But he came back. Which means he has strength and everyone has always said, i will have to marry the strongest man alive.
Other than all that, i’m happy. My book deadline is up. Got that email last night. April 3rd for the launch. I’m really excited, loving your excitment and keeping my fingers crossed that it will win the hearts of the nation. If not you’ll find me drunk in a gutter in nipple tassles and yester-year heels. Lots of you are actually in it, so that’s one reason why you should buy it.
I was gonna tell you that i think my sex life has taken a bit of a detour? but then i remember that a bit of ‘road head,’ refusing to venture into a night time bush, has occured. However, i’m at the peak of my sexuality. All women are when they hit 30..and i’m 31. I could have sex all the time right now and especially because i’m hormonal. Keiran’s been worn out and busy and not really wanting to bonk, yet will wank..without me. Last night i even had to yell at him to come upstairs and sleep in the bed, simply because he didn’t want too? Lol. I mean, why would you have Chrissie Wunna as you’re future wifetime..yet not want to share sheets with her? Infact, i though i saw him sat next to me on the sofa last night, openly having a wank, but he wasn’t. He showed me that he was just conforting it, like a pet hamster.
On the whole life is good. I can’t wait to feel well again, i love reading all your messages, I adore my Daddy’s ‘love my daughter’ crusade and today my ‘handsome’ has booked us both into Oulton Hall for massages, hot tubs, steam rooms and saunas. Makes me happy.
I will say that over this last couple weeks Keiran’s been really understanding. He’s been loving, kind and there for me.
If i could feel anything right now, it would be to feel like a Princess again. (He’s just grumpily stomped downstairs being moody, so Lord Knows what i’ve done now. 🙁 ) #notfun But i needed this vent. Thank you for listening.
Happy Happy Pancake Day!