Right now i’m feeling lost, unloved, mildy confused and uncherished. I’ve lost my connection and my ability to be able to merrily, whole heartedly, sprinkled in rose petals trust. I want this mist to rise and i know that it will. I just feel like i’m blind running and after a very emotional morning of waking up in tears and not being able to shake my colourfuls off, i’m certainly full.
Life is good. In fact great, if i’m being honest. However because it is, i’m now being haunted by my past, but in a way that it is seemingly getting the better of me. I feel insecure, when i want to feel safe and even after a big cry, i don’t seem to be okay. I always say, i only ever need a big cry in order to release. However, you know there must be much more internally going on than you ever guessed, when the big cry isn’t enough.
All is well, but now i’m finding my own history repeating itslf accidentally, that now i feel terrified.
I know i’ll be okay again…but right now i’m manning up and getting on with it. I’m bombarded by a flashback stream of Wunna history. I’m thinking about my first marriage, all that went on afterward, all the trouble that i got myself into, all the boys that i undeservingly hurt (i really do need to apologise to one in particular) and well now that everything seems perfect again…i can’t seem to trust that everythings going to be okay…hence my loss in connection.
I’m gonna have to go, because i’m blogging by packed bags and need to book a taxi to a train station. Keiran and i are fine, better than ever and i feel awful that my past is now making me unable to feel close to him. I’ve heard that love conquers all and i adore the idea of that. Therefore even though i’m a lot more terrified, now that i’m older, i’ll trust that crossing my glitzy fingers, closing my eyes and jumping will work.
I’ve learnt that just because i’m scared, i really don’t need to perform the very traditional Wunna runaway, therefore i’m sticking to it and feeling very angry about at myself for how my first marriage still accidentally controls everything.
I think i need food.
Muts go before i start tragically ‘water-working’ again.
Liverpool Fashion Fest, here we come. Be there at 4pm. (He catwalks tonight for ‘press night.) Then after a hotel night of hopeful calm…we venture off to London for a shoot. I just need peace, before i can warmly accept excitement.
I hate that i’m not okay….But i will be. 😉 Infact i now feel much better. Blogging it out really does work.