Glittery Flames & Jolly Old Rumours

 

I swear something bizarre is happening to me, yet the Good Lord (and as per usual) forgot to send me the memo. I’ve whole-heartedly indulged myself into an oozey pool of rebellion and in the most over eyelashed, glitzy way possible i’m commiting to being a fool. A big one. A nuisance. A chick who might need a cocktail or a slap? I don’t know what’s happened? But i’ve pointed and i’m running, in heels and with too much lippy, throwing caution to the wind and laughing all the way with my wiggle of vixen. It’s bad. It’s kind of like being Hollywood Wunna 2005…yet the sensible Wunna 2011 all in one. I’m fighting my own emotionally tormented self. LOL. Thank Fuck i’m HOT or i’d never get away with it. 🙂

Anyway so much ishappenign to me right now…more emotionally than anything, however i can’t tell if i’m going through a mid-life crisis, whether i’m stressed or whether the mundane boringness of ‘normal’ life…be it a long term ‘tie down’ or boredom…has got the better of me soo much that my ‘ooh laa’ has decided to screech the brakes, and fling me out of that ride of ‘snooze-fest’ in order to quench my thirst for excitment. I’m leanring that i need to feel alive at all points. If i dont and as soon as i don’t, i’m burtisng into glittery flames, stomping my feet and embracing a rebellion…with booze. I currently feel like i’m living a double life. It’s all glam and exciting…yet very double. I’m living and loving being back to my normal tragic ways of party dresses, drinks and handsomes under the night stars. I don’t know why i like that shit so much. I just think balance is the key to life and well i’ve been feeling rather suffocated of recent, due to Loverboy aka Pete making me feel like i couldn’t live life the way i ever so wanted. He’s not a bad guy. He’s just a guy that needs to dust himself off and sort himself OUT!

Loverboy and I are ofcourse not good….i can’t look at him the same after he was devastatingly diva for no real reason other than ungratefullness a few weeks ago. I kinda looked at him and thought, i just can’t live my life with such a human, then in order to make things right i politely showed him the door. (Well i screamed at him) Unfortunately, Loverboy is not one to beable to see the door, so clearly…meaning i had to bring inthe Big guns, my MOTHER, to get all ‘shouty-shouty-leave her alone.’ Although i’m the ulitmate of girly, i’m quite masculine in my views of lovage and well if you’re not pulling you weight in the relationship then you need to go. Pete decided to hang around and be moody at me for a jolly old time…I TOLD him that if he didn’t leave, he would only aggravate me more to the point where i would no longer beable to make it ever work. He pulled ever excuse in the book…moaned, bitched, moaned and bitched some more, then pissed me off soo much that i held up my ‘Fuck it’ card and decided to quite independantly..do my own thing regardless. Being clingy when i’m mad at you does’t work, when i need time, space and emotional breathe time. I wanted to feel free and now i do. He can sit in a corner and watch if he wishes. Yet my life won’t go on hold for him. If anything he needs time to pull himself together and refrain from paddling on the shores of rock bottom.  I’m not saying there’s no me and Pete forever ( i mean he is my gorgeous little girls Daddy)…i’m just saying there’s no Pete and I until he gets his act together and proves his worth. That could take years! lol. I hate it when men think they can not be impressive and totally get away with it. Not in Wunnaland darling!

I’ve been out, free, sharing drinks with friends, handsomes and living. It’s been wonderful. I’m getting my ‘ooh laa’ and body Mcback and i’m putting the sex in sexy and keeping it all kinds of wiggle and cute. It’s fun. I feel alive again. A bit too sarcastic for my own good. But ah well…i’m HAPPY.  (I’m weirdly getting a flashback of a gay Wunna fan, dancing up to my table yesterday during after work drinks, holding a bottle of wine, telling me he was ‘going to tell Harriet’ and then asing me about the ‘Fame Game?’ He gave me his wine and demanded i keep cuddling him. I apparently remember him from Big Fellas? I swear i remember everyone. However that little memory really has performed a slipperoo? But whatever, i loved him, even though he freaked my friend out. Then i mosied off for other drinks, in other places, whilst talking about Ron Jeremy. Welcome to my life. Hopefully i’ll grow up soon. I really do think i’m going through a mid-life crisis.)

Boyband Jonny..who’s no longer in a boyband decided to message me yesterday with an ‘i miss you.’ Boys are a funny little species aren’t they? Jonny and i went from dating to hating, to friends, to hating each other. Now he misses me? Add Gary Ponty sending me a text with a question and a bit of a ‘tell off’ and well it makes me think something is going on? I’m really confused. I feel like there’s all these rumours about me right now…and i have no idea what they all are? Ah well…

My life right now is being a mum, going to work, friends, banter, fighting with Pete and loving living life…plus handsomes. I’m celebrating being Chrissie Wunna, enjoying Perv Monday with my chick friends. Committing to ‘Date Night’ Friday and contemplating  ‘naked sundays?’ Lol. Life couldn’t be better. Oh and i’m finally losing my baby weight to the point where i’m feeling all hot again. BOOYAH! I say ‘feeling’ simply because the word’s hot and well because how one ‘feels’ is all that matters in the end.  It will guide you to all your poor decisions and sometimes even the good ones. ( Infact I got asked out on a date yesterday and it made me FEEL desired again.) However saying that i did have a guy friend tell me that if he bonked me, he’d be sHocked in the morning…as my face would have apparently printed on the pillow, to the point where he would’ve have thought it was me and wondered who the ugly girl laying next to it was! HAHAHAHAHA. I LOVE IT!

I might be a swine, but i certainly can take a comedic jab….If you can’t…you have issues!

Until the next time my pieces of fricker-doo-dee.

I adore you.

Thankyou for shamefully following my life. You know i love you. *Wiggle-wink*

 

 

Here Cums the Bride?

Well what a Friday! I’ve only just recovered and found that i left my laptop at work. Therefore like the loser that i am, i’ve had to trundle on into work, for a quick cuddle, blog and bit of wine. [Wink-Wiggle-spritz-here.] I’m in a cricket jumper and jeans, feeling not at chubby as usual, but i did have to tuck my fat into the top of my jeans. Anytime you need to do that, you totally know the wine was worth it. I’m having a great day! Flirty, fun, fresh. Makes a change to 2 hours ago where i was having to buy bargin knickers at Tesco’s, whilst wheeling little Ruby around, who was wedged between crisps, bangles and wine bottles in bows.

Okay, it’s wedding season and if you’re anyone of any substance, you would’ve found a friend or a mere ‘being’ to buddy up to, who’s either GETTING married or wants you to ‘Plus 1’ with them to the marriage of another. Luckily for me…a work colleague of mine Claire decided to tie the knot on Friday and well the bunch at Xercise4less (where i work my day job) were ALL fricking invited. Poor Claire. 🙂 By 4pm, i had already found myself sneaking out of the office, onto a busy street,  on an uphill stride towards a pub with a gent named ‘Matthew,’ who adorned a blue hoodie and a mild bit of ‘i think i might fancy you’ banter. 🙂 Matt’s hot…so he’s allowed to escort me to places like pubs. Vodka and lager later…(I did the vodka)…we were joined by dear friend ‘mum of 3 ‘ Lisa…and the drinking began. Holy shit, time FLEW. I have no idea where it went, but booze fast forwarded us to ‘Fuck we’re meant to be meeting everyone in 5 minutes.’ Everything got downed in a mode of mild panic. I begged Lias to join me in my wild ‘get ready’ gooes chase. (Being the Diva that I am, I had refused to join in on the work ‘Minibus to the wedding’ action. I celebrated my journey, with taxi’s, stop-offs, heels, dress and curlers in my hands…Lisa, wine and a hotel room. I’ve noticed that i know cannot function appropriately in ANY PLACE that does provide booze.

Everyone was all narky for some reason because I had stolen Lisa to ‘hotel it up’ avec moi and Matt had stolen me as the object of his desire…after lager.

We got ready, room 203…we giggled, gossip, bronzed, lashed and eyelined. Then realized we were an HOUR LATE. Lol. Therefore in a panic had a glamourous sit down, talked about boys and guzzled more wine infront of a dressng table mirror.

Flew out the door. Flew back in the door. (Lisa forgot the booze.) Jumped in a taxi and strutted in into the Claires wedding gloriously and yeah a bit late. I liked everyone already being there. It helped the simple ‘slotting in’ process without the awkwards. Everyone looked gorgeous. Everyone knew how to have a good time. I was armed with a Lipsy dress and sarcasm and well i then noticed how the other chica’s were taking quite a keen interest in my love life. Hmm? There was quite a lot of ‘OMG’dings and dance floor wedding whispers. Then Lucy made out with Lee…(unlikely moment that they both deny) and the gossiped pulled a ‘U-ey’ and focussed on that for a good 5 minutes

Drinking happened and y’see that’s the problem with all of us. We have the fun installed in us. (Well i do.) A lot of them are going through heartbreak…meaning a good old drink is more medicinal that anything. 🙂 But yeah…wedding songs, smooching, booze, booze and really bad dance moves occured. The night didn’t fly, but certainly was fun, until we all found out it was 11pm and it seemed like everyone was having a bicker around a doorway about where everyone should venture next? Lots of awkward shouty, bitchy moments of jolly old manipulation occured. Lisa, Matt and I were just eating cake.

Everyone ended up going to their next location, be it other town for a bit of McParty, home, to their ex-boyfriends unnannounced, after a drunk dial and a bash on the head, or to a hotel room for a bit of erotic nookie and lovey dovey talk. I kept buying random bottles of wine and leaving them to wither away poured but not touched…for no real reason other than comfort. I called someone a ‘Meatball’ which wouldn’t actually matter if they didn’t actually look like a meatball. 🙂 I was in a really ‘only i am finding myself funny’ mode and well add tits, wine, va voom, a wiggle and sarcasm to all that and you have trouble. I loved it.

Wherever anyone ended up…no matter what they did. It was either hot, hilarious, or the next stage forward into a much fresher chapter. It all involved eraly morning taxi’s home. I didn’t have to work, so i managed to wake up in a hotel room, look like shit, feel rather hazy and plonk a pair of ‘found some’ sunglasses on, after an eventful evening of ‘ooh laa.’

Matt jumped in a taxi to work at around 9am, still in his striped shirt and ego. But AMBER…oooh Amber..managed to get drunk, become obsessed with her ex-boyfriend, bang her head and wanted him to care, get A TAXI TO WAKEFIELD, only to get a TAXI to Leeds, only to not beable to get a hold of her ex and have to then ask to stop at his best friends, where she THEN lots her pants, only had £7 for a taxi to work in the morning and rolled in, after having to JUMP OUT OF A WINDOW, into the carpark, asking for money from others to pay for her ride. LOL. AND…she was crying. HAHAHAHA.

I mean, that was the first thing we talked about today and the fact that she kept trying to elbow her way into my love life, with a threesome? Lol. After a giggle, all she said was, ‘I felt soooo fricking shit, but then Matt came out and gave me £6 extra pounds, still in his going out clothes and i felt better.’

I rocked home in my party dress..no wait? In my office outfit from the day before. Flung myself into life, opened my house door and literally fell into bed.

The day was spent recouperating, until my life lit up with a little bit of Ruby (B’doobie) who had spent the day shopping with Grandma. It’s weird how immediately sober you become when you’re in ‘mummy mode.’ Oh God I adore. My little Glamour Puss is growing up right before my very eyes. Not only does she look like Pete but act like me…poor combination, yet worth it…but Rubes is now mobile…there is no my Diva. Who would’ve thought my vagina would produce something that can crawl. 🙂 

Loved my weekend. Loving today. I’m feeling excited and like all things new, are all things good.

Watch this space. Oh and keep it glitzy whilst ya at it. (Loved watching my good friend Mark Byron on the Xfactor last night. HAHAHAHA. Genius!)

 

 

Happy Glory Full- stop.

Hi my yummy, licks of loving it. I had the most gorgeous night of expression last night with handsome last night. One of those that ends a rather looong day, with a juicy, happy ‘full-stop’ of glory. I’m really happy right now and over the past few days, it’s sort pf *beamed* out my system uncontrollably. I feel excited, adored, filled with ‘ooh laa’ and kinda how every little Glamour Puss, no matter where they are in the world, be they alone, together, broken, behind a desk, in the limelight, young, old or even without a home should feel. I guess i just needed something natural, to make my insides bubble and well bubble they did and bubbling they are. I’m chipper and when i’m armed with a jolly dollop of the ‘ooh laa’ i’m not only rather dangerous. But i’m unstoppable.

I think my rubbish sense of humour has been getting the better of me right now. I can’t help but ‘blurt out’ poor sarcasm, that i’m labelling under ‘Charming Wit’ and i really do need to stop. It’s well performed. Lol. I’ll give myself that. However, i keep jabbing it out on the most sensitive of souls and when my victims of my rather shit humour, aren’t quite made of solid glitter bricks, i find myself in trouble, handing out the Kleenex. Oopsie!

In this chapter of life, i’m simply celebrating ‘being Chrissie Wunna’ and everything that comes with it. I don’t care what anyone thinks, aside from those that care for me and well i’m keeping it cheeky, keeping it ‘ooh laa’ and making it one cheeseball of a narnia…Why not. I’m camp. It works for me and i’m tired of having to put up with the mundane ‘blah-blahs’ of those who keep trying to drain me of my oh so precious (oh yeah she’s gonna say it) PIMP juice! Woohoo! *swag-wink*

I’m really missing my LA friends right. I grew up in Hollywood and  around the people who  i felt really knew me and how i worked and how i strutted and well… i just never felt trapped. I felt FREE! (Not not FOR FREE…you dicks. 🙂 )

However the best thing about this year is having my little girl. Ruby is just divine and lastnight we had a moment where i was  laid on the floor aimlessly, one eye on her, one eye on a ceiling chandelier…and she crawled up to me, like she was on giddy pills, all excited and dribbly, like she couldn’t even imagine having a better human being raise her. (Poor thing. Lol) And it’s those little moments of excitement that make my world tick. That keep me alive.

I’m tired of being and feeling drained by this bit of drama here, that bit of drama there. It’s like an Old MacDonald farm of dramaticals.

I’m loving life. I’m laughing and i’m feeling like the luckiest little Glamour Puss in all of the land. (Plus i enjoy the fact that Gay Adam…tried to feel up ‘train guy’ the other day, by accidentally falling on him on a train. I’ve taught him well. We all love the ‘fall down, feel up.’ It’s a champion move. Hopefully ‘Train guy’ will submit to Gay Adam’s powers and decide to not only love him, yet notice that they are in a relationship. Lol. If not Adam’ll just end up back on that treadmill of despair…running…running…running, then feeling up kinky French men.)

I finally feel alive again.  My friend Claires getting married tomorrow. I’m sooo excited. I mean thank god i have a friend willing to take one for the team and get married so we have another excuse for a piss up. You can’t beat friends like that. (I’ve weirdly just been handed pink forms? I’m not sure why, but when things seem like they should belong to me…people just *hand* them over like i should know that i am their owner?)

I’ve been chewing this bit of gum for at least an hour now, whilst winking at buffoons. *spits out-spritzes-gets happy about life again.*

It could be better…

s

 Afternoon my delicious dumplings of utter ‘ooh laa.’  I’m feeling quite chipper today for a floozy who hasn’t quite yet managed to kitty cat grab herself that little extra bit of sleep. I’m loving life. Feeling giddy. Doing it glamourous and weirdly watching my dreams come true right before my very eyes I’m no longer hung over. Woohoo! There’s nothing wors to me now then those few days of hanging. Luckily, i only lost my dignity. My wallet and virginity are still in tact. I think? Well if wallet means dignity and dignity means virginity and well…as my friends say, i’m a glamour puss that may have never come armed with a virginity. Can you buy those?

Other than being sort of happy (boys ruin my day) and filling my gym perv quota for the day. I’ve actually worked quite hard and i find that when i work hard and stay interested in me…ofcourse with a wink…then the species with the willies come to play. Men are a werid breed. I mean, like most, i have two Facebook accounts. One for work, one for play. Work…is the ‘add everyone who loves Wunna’ promo account and ‘Play’…is a list of my real life friends. 🙂 I enjoy both and simply because when i’m in the mood for fans i can flick over to what i call the  ‘Chrisse Wunna (Le Diva)’ profile…or if i’ve had enough of perv central and need a bit of verbal abuse from my ‘day to day’ companions..I can simply ‘scroll-click’ myself some love, from the ‘little, old, me’ profile. Neither profile is BETTER than the other. I talk to my fans MORE than i talk to my actual friends. HAHAHA. I’m not stupid, i’ll talk to the ones that massage my ego the mos! 🙂 (And no…’ego’ does not mean vagina.)

Anyway, what i was gonna tell you about my ‘Chrisse Wunna’ (Le Diva) profile was simply that right now the gentleman of the world find it appropriate to inbox me the exact size of their penis, followed by a ‘marry me.’ Not being funny or anything. But who raised MEN? Lol. They have ONE shot to make an impression on me and they use that shot deciding and fumbling over what i might want to hear and fuck it all up by just going with ‘aah my willies ****** big.’ HAHA. I mean a girl would NEVER…well not any girlsi know (apart from 4 🙂 ) would fancy a darling fellow and then think i know, i’m gonna inbox him with a ‘my vagina is 42 inches wide.’ 

I’m the grown up verison of me and although the grown-up version, still ends up drunk, winking, pouting, chasing all the wrong boys and weeping into cocktails in Jimmy Choo’s and nipple tassles under chandeliers…she’s really not that easy a pull anymore. I feel like i’ve had soo many encounters with Cupid, that i’m not too trusing of him anymore. I mean Pete is the ever doting Father of my gorgeous daughter. However, i’m never impressed by him..even when he tries. Lovely guy. But i’m tired of him messing up, then dipping into my bank balance and even when my mood is quite glittery. 

Then life gets littered with the exes, the newbies, the flirts that are potential futures..who i stand back from, watch and see how well they intend to treat me. They all have a go at charming the little Glamour Puss..yet i’m to old now to take chances on chancers. Whatever will be, will be. I’m a kitty cat of the sink or swim method. If you can’t handle me with this merry strutt of ‘ooh laa’ then you’ll never beable to. I like expression from men…and right now…i’m not getting it. I’m getting a dance around the very truest of emotion. I like to her the adoration lol and simply because it really is all that i am used to! 🙂 (I am soo glad i am not hungover anymore. That was horrific.) But yeah…i’m flirting right now and gathering my thoughts. We’ll see what the world and gin will bring me…and hopefully not herpes. 😉

Other than all that, i’m feeling fighting fit, ready to conquer the world and all about doing it in heels. I’m on a mad hunt for chewing gum. No-one in my entire vicinity seems to own a piece ANYWHERE. I mean, i’m talking i’ll even settle for pocket gum here.

I’m reading all of your messages, thankyou for following my life. I enjoy that the Burmese have placed a picture of me up in order to be ‘blessed,’ (Lord help me)… I can’t wait to finally get my nails soaked off tomorrow, I’m addicted to Celeb Big Brother and that sweary Dwarf show on Channel 4..( I once got dry humped by a hip/hop dwarf in LA and made out with a dwarf dressed as an elf 2 years ago) and well life really isn’t too bad. It could obviously be better. Lol.

I’m excited for my book. I’m feeling really lucky. I’m hoping for the best in everything that i do. Yet right now feel kinda like a prop in my own game of life. I’m terrified because i don’t know where it will take me. I never used to be terrified. Yet the good thing about being scared…is that fact that it will keep me out of trouble (and we all know i’m great friends with that beast.)

I haven’t heard from Latin lover in ages after I shouted at him for being a prick. I on occassion will check up on my ex-hubby in cyberland to see how life is treating him.  I at the same time Google ‘check up’ on myself to see who the good world is treating me, 🙂 and well…i’m losing my baby weight. I can finally work a thong! There is a GOD! *Wiggle-giggle-strut*

All life is about is having fun, making the most of …not only IT… but YOU and your glorious abilities to achieve greatly. Add loving and laughing with those who at that time..are worth it and respecting the people that raised you…you  have everything. You just often forget that you do. (Aaah the Chrissie Wunna way.) 😉

Wunnaful in WunnaLand

You know you have a good life when you wake up to Wunna Fans and you’ve flirted with hot gay sailors, that remind you of ‘good times.’ This morning on ym way to work. (Remember that i’ve moved to a little village named Ackworth.) I was greeted, mid ‘totter-giggle-lets put Ruby in the car’ by happy Wunna campers, who enjoy waving at me, then giggling and then  telling me i’m beautiful. I like this behaviour very much. Put a smile on my miserable ‘wore the wrong outfit today’ face. I really did think i was mildy depressed this morning, HOWEVER, i was just exhausted, needed coffee and on my period. I remember that I always used to yell at boys for blaming MY PERIOD instead of taking responsiblity for their own jolly inadequeces. But now i think about it…my period’s a bitch and certainly not a force to be reckoned with. Lol. Even i can’t handle her. It takes more than a wink…even with Michael Buble’ on in the background to tame that vixen. But yeah, i’m happy. I don’t know whether i just need a rest, or to not stay up past my bedtime now that i’m old. Yet no doubt i’ll sort it. Oh for the new mums out their teething babies..NOT FUN, when you need sleep for work in the morning. My darling delicious Ruby is quite certainly my entire world…yet when my little DIVA’s growing teeth at midnight…it really is not that much fun. It’s like wrestling 42 meat heads, with lions, goats and elves with attitude problems and tickle sticks to sleep. I didn’t sleep at all last night, ten just like that my pretty ‘wake up’ alarm goes off, leaving be just enough time to *shake* it off and get to work. OUCHY! Life was much easier being a Lady who lunches. I’m not even fitting in time to eat or wink at handsomes right now. And when you don’t have time for a bun and a flirt…then really WHAT ARE YOU DOING???? 🙂

I think my periods been making me feel really sorry for myself over the past couple days, coz i’m sort of school girl happy, but being a bully for no real reason. (Jolly good Wunna.) I’m making people happy, all at the same time as tormenting people, at the same time as being happy and feeling tormented. I’m throwing caution to the wind and trying to figure what’s right, from what’s wrong. Yet in my book…if you’re 30 and still figuring out right and wrong (lol) you’re pretty much doomed. But  i’m not complaining, i’ve been blessed with one of the most wonderful lives…even if i’ve had to vomit off princess beds a good few times, to the merry sound of vodka and heartbreak. I’ve loved living and well…don’t we all.

I just need a break. A chillax. A timeout. A bit of laughter. A bit of love. A bit more glitter. A bit of family time and a bit of adventure. I don’t know what we’re all searching for in life…all i know is that we just all want to be happy. Yet the problem with me, is that i  really DO  already feel happy …therefore…what more could i need? I’ve got 70 more years on this earth ball, if i make it to my grand 100th birthday. There needs to be more for me to do…or find…or BE!

I hate these moments of ‘Wunna’ when my thirst of excitement gets the better of me. However, luckily now that i’m old, i won’t be a slag out of boredom. That’s a plus, if there ever was one. Pete looked at me yesterday and said ‘I will love you no matter what and through my whole entire life.’ I’ve heard a lot of boys say that to me, during my tragic little fake tanned and glittered life. I don’t know why i actually brought that up?? It’s just weird to me how boys see me?

Ah fuck…i’m off to go drink tea out of leopard print cups…i can deal with ‘issues’ later. Lol. Lord help me. (Wiggle-wink)

 

I blame the shoddy craftsmanship…

Well what a weekend. I haven’t exactly been able to blog, due to not having internet at home until Aug.31st, but i will tell you that the weekend (apart from the training part of it…i’m not one to enjoy a workout…if you see me in a gym, i’m either being a pervert or simply fooled by the thought that i actually was going to train.) I’m a Glamour Puss. My body just wasn’t intended for hard labour, or to be stretched, pulled and made to go ‘fast’ up hills. I’m here for pure ‘good times’ and well i’m a kitten who knows how to execute the art of ‘good times’ appropriately. Even though i usually end up in trouble…and like always indeed i did. Hurrah! *Wiggle-Wink-Pout*

Made a brief, last minute decision (after a short 20 mins on a treadmill…i actually got put off by a scottish man, pressing buttons on my incline without my consent,) to go out on the razzle m’tazzle. I had actually intended to ‘hang out’ anyway. Yet everyone wanted to in the end..so i went with that and wrongly went with the denim booty, boobie, zippy uppy nightmare of an outfit…to Xscape of ALL places. Yippee?

Good time had…i think? Well I had a good time anyway. ALL went well under the night stars, that i believe i’m luckily forever guided by. Lol. Met Lucy, Becky and Matt…had vodka and the rest was history. I remember being a dickhead for most of the night. A beautiful fool, with ‘not so demon’ dance moves. I embraced the world and celebrated being me. I’ve been quite half full of recent..so i wanted to do what i do best and just *shimmie* the frustration out and turn it into ‘ooh laa.’ It would probably help if i didnt find myself accidentally unzipped at the bar, waiting for a sambuca that i had spilt anyway. I’m never wearing that booty, boobie denim thing again. It’s pointless and a definite advert for shoddy craftsmaship….or whores.

 I remember squealing through most of the night,when i felt pervy eyes upon my me. I’ve decided i’m not one for a flirt. I’m quite relationship oriented and therefore can’t be arsed with the ‘pervs’ and their drunk boners. They terrify me. Which is a good thing. I’m into love, romance and streamers..and well i can’t think of anything less magical then an old Ponty bloke, with a pint, and a rather eager boner beckoning ‘The Wunna,’ for booty, mid-Kylie song, who will probably end up feeling up some fatty, with a rather lustful libido at ten to two…after last orders.

Anyway, i got mildy distracted, you have my apoligies. I do actually recall  falling over during my night out and by a ‘everyone can have a go’  stripper pole. Yet the TRAGIC PART OF IT…was the fact that i fell over due to pure clumsiness,  and not drunkardness mid-trying to look sexy. I was literally on my arse giggling.  Hoping for a hand. (Up..not job. 🙂 ) I did end up getting drunk. I’m not positive that i enjoy being tipsy now. Yet luckily, everyone eles around me was too. I just doesn’t make you feel as bad….in heels.

If i fast forward for you….i will tell you that saturday night drama occured. As it does in Wunna Land. That really great awkward drama, that you can only trump and laugh at. I spent the next entire day, all hazy with Ruby and thankfully my Mum. We all need our mums. Especially when you need them to be shouty with people named Pete. My mum’s ace, she’s like the asian mafia in one tiny 5ft 4 bundle of oriental. One word from her and Pete’s emotional stability was shattered. Aww…lol. But ah well…life goes on. Let’s move my story forward.

I have realized that i’m now far too old for nights out in denim booty, zips, because i cannot tame my ‘ooh laa.’ But i’m happy. I had a rather unexpectedly good night and well right now life couldn’t be much better. I’m excited and well when i’m excited..I’m at my best. It’s the only thing that keeps us alive.

Like I always say…i don’t know where my life will take me…but not only do i know it will be wonderful, yet i also know I’ll always be okay. *Hip bump-strut-wink* Let life guide you and just go with the natural flow of it all…

Lucy, Bread and Lisa

Okay, just read my last blog and felt a bit dreary about it. I’ve had a banter with my girlies, watched Lisa have bread, Lucy pretend *spurt* out of her Lady Part at the thought of her legs being at 10 past 8. We giggled to a Cher Lloyd tracks, hated on Lucy for going on holiday and wished for GOOD men attached to big willy. Lisa especially. Hence the bread emergency.

 I’m gonna enjoy tonight and mainly because that’s what this little erath ball is about. Life really isn’t too bad after all. All you have to do is laugh it out, with dollies that are as tragic as you.

It’s all a load of ‘doo-daa’

Having a looong day. Trying to work without the aid of supervision is seemingly quite a task for me. I’m a delicious *ooze* of free spirit and therefore having zero discipline really isn’t the best way for me to achieve. 🙂 When left to my own devices…i’m rebellious. We know this and we also know it always ends badly. Hurrah! But in my own defense it is funny..therefore i feel i really only put my own arse on the line for the random sake of humour and entertainment.

It’s ‘Date Night’ tonight and well Pete has AGAIN managed to get on my tiddlies. I mean, we’re two completely DIFFERENT people and due to a bit of a hiccup…a few emotional ‘doing this together’ hiccups. May seem minor to others. But it’s only the minor things that make me mad. The BIG DEALs i can handle and shake off like a shimmie. When in love…i’m not one to beat around the bush, or make excuses for people, or even make the best out of a bad bargain. In love and only in love…i’ll just walk and because i don’t have time to celotape the cracksup…AND  i’ll always know i’ll find love over and over again. Bottom line, i’m tolerant and i’ve been tolerant. However a little bicker that we had a couple weeks ago, when i realized how ungrateful he was for my help AND how hidieous he was at earning money, yet GREAT at spending MY MONEY…it has kind of broken down everything. We girls ‘tally-up’ all the bad things a boy does. That was his last tally and well today we fought AGAIN about his horrifically bitchy older sister. That girl was the initial reason why i began his ‘tally’ of ‘fuck ups.’ What i don’t enjoy is how he can play ‘good boy,’ when really i’m the one that does EVERYTHING. I work, i play, i provide, i love, i give my  soul to mummy-hood and run on all four cyclinders non-stop and i guess when you do stop, you hope to be cherished and NOT taken for granted by the gent that claims he can handle doing ‘life’ with you. I’m not a ‘sayer’..i’m a doer. He has not yet mastered the art of ‘a little less conversation.’ Don’t us ‘Good boy’ as a mask, if you can’t handle the responsibilities that come with it.

But anyway, Pete and I are doing ‘Date Night’ tonight. He’s quite eager to rekindle lost love. After our bicker…i’m not at all bothered. All i want is to have my Ruby cuddles and well i can see in Pete’s eyes that he knows that his poor decision making is now making me slip through his hands. I NEED WINE. Yeah he’s a nice boy and can be of the most darling of natures. But i know boys and i’ve dated millions of them. Just because you’re of a nice nature does not make ‘fucking up’ okay. Makes no difference to me if you utter a kind ‘sorry.’ What matters to me is love, gratefullness and the natural ABILITY to LEARN from your lessons. Plus, i’m not keen on the gents that dip into my bank account a little too often.

But whatever…we’re doing ‘Date Night’ because wine will make me feel better and FUN will make me feel better.

On a more chipper note, a Wunna Fan 🙂 compared me to ‘Gravy’ today. LOL. I love that. Other beings with fans get compared to jewels, icons and beautiful graces of honour. I got compared (and totally out of love) to GRAVY. Lol. Yet that is what I LOVE about firstly being ‘Chrissie Wunna’ AND The Wunna fans!

‘You know you get gravy and how there’s nothing like your MUMs gravy. Well that’s @chrissiewunna….she’s special gravy…Miss.Hotpants Twitter Legend.’

I LOVE IT!!

Regardless of all the drama, i’m filled excitement and that good old Dolly magic. I’m happy. I’m energized and wanting to celebrate. I feel adventurous. Positive and i’m bored by regular, old domesticity. I’m not taken anything too seriously, certainly not myself and i feel like i’m a wonderful added attraction to anyone’s path right now. I’m feeling glitzy…*wiggle-wink.*

Anyway, i’ve got to go. I’m sure a bit more food in my system and far less leopard print cups of coffee will absorb some of my uneccessary feist. 😉

Keep it sexy.

 Loving Celeb Big Brother. Hope you’re watching.

 

 

Ruling the World…and Fatties

Life Lesson: DO NOT EVER ATTEMPT TO HIRE A ‘ROLY POLY’ strippergram for someone’s birthday, when you really don’t know if the person intended for the kinky treat is actually in the building, at the time the ‘Roly Poly’ is due OR if you do not actually know if it is the victims birthday afterall. I mean…for F***’s sake.

We’ve had drama’s all morning, trying to reschedule our Roly Poly stripper from Manchester (ooh the glamour 🙂 )..and mainly because she had argumentative thieves as her East End London agents..who not only tried to fine me a £4oo cancellation fee. (Erm…’ Pay what? I don’t think so..i paid a holding deposit of £25, i’m resheduling, not cancelling.’) To the point where i had to set my good friend Karan on them. Team Bitch. Holy shit, i passed over my Blackberry and well KARAN (who had unfortunately had a gentleman named ‘Neil’ feel her boobies for a tenner, by a treadmill. I mean, if you’re gonna feel a 50 year old lady up, don’t do it by exercise equipment. It kills the passion…especially after trying to dry hump her on a stair, climby thingy? I don’t know what that fucking thing is? I only go to the gym to wear my outfits, socialize and be a pervert. Why would ANYONE decent want to constantly be climbing a bunch of moving stairs, that don’t actually lead anywhere? And for what? To get felt up by people named ‘Neil.’ At least i got a tenner.)

Long story short…Karan told that ‘Roly Poly’ east end London agent, what for…northern style. Which is simply, via the art of lying, being shouty, then pissing yourself afterward with a cuppa tea, with a shania Twain track playing in the background. I kicked back in my kitten heels on my wheely chair and giggled at her magic. I can’t be shouty at thieves over the phone, because i’m not evil enough…i’m more visual. I wink myself out of problems with wiggles. I’ve had a hilarious day with Karan. We’ve bitched and belly laughed ALL DAY and enjoyed those moments you’ll always remember. I’ve made the executive decision to take her with me everywhere…even though she can’t spell ‘grateful.’  Whenever i have a problem that life simply won’t let me wiggle and wink out of…i’ll let Karan out of a box and point at the problem and wait for her to *ATTACK.* Great morning!

Other than that, and being swindled by thieves. I reached a peak of utter giddy excitement, only to find myself and actually out of complete boredom FILL my PERV QUOTA..by noon. UGH! I moved so fast today mentally…that my legs were playing catch-up. I had perved on every piece of gym totty available. (Not much talent. I spent a moment complaining to my friend Amber…whilst being loud and pointy shouting…’GOD there’s just NO EYE CANDY for Perv Thursay!!!’)

On the whole good day. I’m feeling fun. I’m feeling flirty. I’m feeling sexy and quite aptly adored right now. I’m being charmed by the boys and winked at by the girls. I’ve decided that my favourite Lesbian is ‘Ellen Degeneres.’ Yep, my new girl crush. I’ve finally got my brand new luxury ‘can’t wait to spill wine all over it’ sofa. It came this morning, when i had rollers in my hair and a darling daughter still refusing to wake up, due to satin sheets getting the better of her. I like that habit already. Unfortunately i then found myself having to go to work…and sat on a brick wall in hot pink, waiting for a cab. I looked all tragic and alone. I hate waiting for anything. I don’t think we should have to. We apparently spend one entire 3rd of our life waiting. That’s how fun we are. Lol. I’ll never wait for anything again.

I’m currently in an office, chewing on gum, covered in my tropez tan, in a black dress, looking at Karan and Tweeting that i’ve ‘got the moves like Jagger.’ I’m bored and totally need my nails done. I mean what kinda of a Glamour Puss am I? I’m weirdly feeling rebellious, but only because i’m bored. I get naughty, when i have nothing to tend to. Lets all turn our backs on Mother Nature and get to ‘Ruling The World.’

Life is good. NEVER hire a ‘Roly Poly’ stripper. Oh and well done to all of you who got your A Level results. #scarymuch.

 

 

Being my little Pin Up self.

One of those days that you really glad occured because it really does me you have a life, even though it’s one that others laugh at. I drank white wine under my chandelier last night, whilst watching the cutest little midgets i had ever seen in my life, sing, dance, wear dwarf outfits, swear, smoke, love and then kick each other. I’m literally obsessed with the Channel 4 ‘seven dwarves’ show. I put my little baby Ruby, fast to sleep, bless her. (Ruby is my Ultimate right now.) Then chased kittens out the house, enjoyed text messaging and found myself sat crossed legged, in the middle of my new living room, surrounded by unpacked stuff, in white pyjama bottoms, under my delicious chandelier…with an tray of posh snacks and a white wine. Life couldn’t be better. I feel amazing. But hazy today though, however that’s what when you attempt to drink white wine, under harsh crystalled light. A hangover before you’ve even begun. Yippeee. Add midgets and you have my life. Well my old life. I just enjoy tinkering with it now and again. Loving being a mummy right now. Ruby and already have a disco dancing routine. We pretend we’re on Britain’s Got Talent…but weirdly in a jungle…and we have a dance off. I smile…she giggles. I feel greatness, then we go to bed.

Anyway, felt hazy, still rocked the pintstripes, then just as I thought life would bore me today…a gift from God beckoned with a ‘Chrissie..do you think you can find me a really fat stripper, fro tomorrow for a 40th birthday party?’ Weirdly…and don’t judge me. I found one in approximately 4 minutes. I had to do a lot of dodging, lying and winking…as the ‘Roly Poly’ (much better way of saying it) stripper was for a being that was standing right next to me. Nonetheless and because i’m amazing…i managed to pull it off, BOOK a ‘Roly Poly’ stripper-doo-dee and have her ready to arrive, tomorrow…at work by 2pm. (Infact, she was sooo booked out, she had to reschedule her initial appointment time of 12 noon. Lol. I’m in the wrong business.)

Other than all that, i’ve had a boy tell me he wants to smooch me, i’ve been called a ‘pervert,’ i’ve giggled to myself in an office, and craved coffee all day…whilst trying to figure out who the ‘hot one’ was for my friend ‘Lisa,’ and hearing that a lovely being had decided to block up the loo, do a massive poo, pick it up then smear it all over a couple of gym walls. Why bother? I mean, surely, you’d do that infront of people for attention, then try and call it ‘art’ for money?

I’m liking feeling fancied right now. It’s refreshing and keeps you alive. I’ve lived a life..a big one and it all began with a ‘flutter.’ A flutter is all you need in order to make magic happen. It’s only bad when you turn that ‘flutter’ into an obsession, you live upon…like i did in Hollywood, when i was sooo desperate for love, after a jolly old divorce. I had a wonderfully horrific ‘slaggy’ couple of embarrasing years. Hurrah. However now, a ‘flutter’ is simply part of my life and not the genius controlling it. (I’ve skived off working ALL DAY today. But sometimes you’ve just got to do that in order to keep it cheeky.)

I’m loving all of your messges and properly enjoying life. I can’t wait to get home to my little baby Ruby and enjoy my posh snacks under my big crystally light. All i have right now that is complete. I keep thinking it’s Friday tomorrow. As if. And i also managed to get called a ‘Pin up.’ I quite like the term ‘Pin Up.’ However unfortunately and due to my rubbish sense of humour…i’m more the ‘tail that gets comedy pinned on a donkey,’ than a bit of ‘Pizazz.’ Infact, fuck it, who am i kidding. I’m a Pin Up if there ever was one.

Love that i’ve spent the entire day in giant granny knickers! Keeping it sexy..always. 🙂 It’s become a secret vice of mine. I’ve spent my life pouting in g-strings. That’s work. Give me my ‘parachutes’ anyday and let me eat pie. I’m 30. Don’t hate. 🙂