African Bum Dance

Yep totally got my boobie squidged today by a workmate, which pretty much means i’m back to being delicious. You can’t go wrong when a ‘handsome’ honks your left boob during a delightful moment of perversed comedy. I feel sexy once more, like my *Va Voom* is soooooo back.

Been at work all day. Had no sleep again due to having a newborn. I’m loving it though. Mummyhood rocks. Especially when you’ve graduated the early stages of it and place a wonderbra on, a crown, then work ‘it’ for the masses, like you’re too hot to trot. I’ve pretty much been wasting all of my time doing that. It’s fun being *sizzle* again. I’m loving the attention, the ‘oohs’ and the ‘laas.‘ I’m Chrissie Wunna and oh hello bitches [Purr here]…I’M BACK! *Hip Bump-Breast feed*

If i’m being honest work was a bit stressful today. Yet because I felt hot, it didn’t really matter. If you’re in a body hugging dress, you can never accesorize with a frown. Only happy chicks get laid. (Remember that!) The more ‘cheery, life and soul of the party-without being annoying’ you are…the more the fellas with a holla. I mean, look at me. Boys dig me and i’m a prize twat. I do ‘twat’ with a giggle…and well, it never ever fails. 🙂 (I’m talking dribble because i’m exhausted. Forgive me. But take notes.)

I talked about bikinis and how a lovely lady had her hubby tug and pull her boobs into her position this morning. I’ve laughed. I longed and i’ve missed my little ‘dumpling.’ (Who is ‘Ruby.’ I refer to her as my little dumpling and it doesn’t have anything to do with smelling like pork.)

I’m feeling much better than i did last night and because i really do have the most wonderful Loverboy. Pete is the love of my life. But the kind of life love that every little girl dreams about. You know how you here it in fairytales? He is that. The most loving and most understanding gentleman, that any girl would wish for. Last night he did an ‘African Bum Dance’ in order to make me smile. 🙂 He gets naked places a towel around his waist. Drops it below his him, *juts* it out and commits to ‘bum’ dancing…like he’s African. He doesn’t think it’s racist because he’s half black. I find it hilarious!!! Then he cuddled me on the sofa told me I was beautiful and how much he loved me. It can’t be bad. (It must be because i bought him corriander chicken?) I’ve noticed that whenever it’s my turn to cook, we either eat out or the food is pre-cooked and purchased. Don’t hate! I’m a domestic goddess! I trip over hoovers and tell people to move them.

The main reason why I ended up being so chipper today is simply down to Chris Moyles. I’m sooo impressed with his Radio One marathon thing, ( i watched it all the way through, like a stalker) and well the fact that he ended up raising over £2million for Comic Relief made me smile. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy on my drive to work this morning. He’s made history and I always find that sexy! Especially when you can file it under ‘Do Gooder.’ That’s major points with Buddha.

Anyway, i’m tired and my family are around, so i’m needing to get going and be social. (My mums holding my baby and weirdly talking about prostitutes.) Pete brought Ruby into my work today. (I love the people i work with. It was good to see Matt. I haven’t seen him in ages. I actually missed him farting on me.) Little Ruby was a bit hit. Everyone was so excited to see her, hold her, pictures where taken and ‘awwing’ was tended to. It was lovely. I mean, all ym work colleagues knew Ruby as the *bump* and nurtured her with outside world chitter chatter, arguing, love, laughter and swaering, until she made her entrance into the world. We all feel connected to her, because we ALL experienced her as The BUMP.

Lisa, Lucy, Bex and Matt were the lucky ones that got to ‘have a hold’ and my lil’glamour puss made ‘Mama’ utterly proud by being a true showgirl and performing ridiculously cute comedic faces. I think she even trumped on Matt and grabbed onto him like she owned him.

Life is great. I’m feeling popular and adored. I’m starving. I’m glad I have no work tomorrow. I’ll be working on my book. I have great opportunities coming my way and well It all couldn’t be more perfect.

I’m watching Comic Relief. If you do anything tonight and your in Britain. Please Please DO give a little ‘something something’ to Comic Relief and save a life. Life is all we have and even though we all deserve a fair shot at 100yrs, not everyone gets one. If you save a life. Your life will be saved. £1 could change the entire life of another ‘being’ on the otherside of the world. How amazing. I’ve donated…so should you!

I love you.

Oh Helloooo Drama

Emo’s chased me today shouting ‘Paris Hilton! Paris Hilton!’ Then just as I thought i was safely on my way to the hair salon to get my hair washed and blowdried. (I really do hate doing my own hair. It’s the only part of Glamour pussing that I despise and make others do for me, either for money or wine.) Anyway yeah..I’m in Pontefract, walking by ‘The Broken Bridge’ and a red headed edgy looking fella, leans through the pub bars, as i’m merrily strutting along and AGAIN shouts ‘Paris HILTON’ at Me. I stopped, looked back and waved. He told me he remember me from the show. I was actually mid-*HUFF* due to an extremely stressful morning, that was dipped in drama. But I smiled, *hair-tossed,* waved back and then with a *giggle* continued walking to my hair appointment.

My hair appointment was really about hair. It was about destressing. It was therapy. I needed it. The journey to my moment of ‘destress’ was looong. I had gotten stopped and talked to, with almost every 5 steps. I didn’t really mind and I sure as hell put on a ‘show.’ But deep down i was filled with  anxiety. I just don’t like to drag people into MY drama, so i’ll always be gracious. Finally got my hair washed, blow dried and straightened. (I’m over my weave now.) Then suddenly felt like I needed to treat Ruby and Loverboy after previously throwing a ginormous ‘TANTRUM’. Hurrah!!!

Yep! Earlier this morning, i commited to a giant wobbly. A massive fit of ‘hissy.’ A proper diva storm out. I’d been awake since 4.45am. (Having a bambino is difficult, but delicious.) I’d managed to begin my day at the normal hour of 9am. However then and out of nowehere, as i was pulling myself together, tending to my daughter, bronzing, and working from home for the book and the gym…the doorbell kept ringing?

I was expecting someone. But for some reasong it felt like my doorbell was buzzing every 4 minutes, with people who wanted to make *surprise* visits to see Me, Loverboy and Baby Ruby. I don’t enjoy surprises and mainly because i’m traumatized by the fact that the majority of my life surprises have been wrapped in ribbons of bad news. They terrify me. Therefore ‘people arriving unannounced’ although lovely (because i’m grateful for being adored 🙂 ) really gives me the heebie jeebies.

I don’t know what happened? Yet there was a stream of doorbell buzzing, followed by phone ringing for a good long while and I had no idea what was going on?? I got all panicky and stressed, because I’m going through a really busy time right now where I have so much to rugby tackle to victory. I can’t handle it all and it feels as though everything is occuring so incredibly fast and that everyone is pulling a delicious piece of me, in all alternate directions and patting me down with ‘gimme gimme’ requests until I submit. I have day job work, book work, Mummyhood, friends, family, life and Wunna Land all a go-go and today it got the better of me! Woohoo!

I through a massive wobbly. Thundered to the bedroom. Pretended I was going back to bed. (It was like i was five.) Then after approximately 15 minutes. I threw on some clothes, whipped my hair, grabbed my Julien MacDonald bag and stormed OUT of the house to relieve stress. I just felt like I had so much to do and orgnaize. I needed ME time and everyone wanted to make my ‘ME’ time, theres. (The more popular you get, the more your time is scheduled out for you.) Well that’s what my hormones were telling me anyhow. 🙂

The good thing about my strop is that I remember running to my baby Ruby and giving her the biggest smoochie, before i left. I never forget how much I adore her. My daughter is my world and Loverboy is the hero of my fairytale. I’m the insane mess that weirdly holds it all together. Today I felt weak and I didn’t want them to see that. Therefore i turned it into mild anger and used the art of the ‘tantrum’ as my disguise. (Only to get chased by emo’s. Remind me not to leave the home alone again. LOL)

It’s normal for new mums to feel weak at times. It’s the lack of sleep, hormonal imbalance, love, ordeal and emotions that get to you. I’m certainly not fully back to normal yet. I just had a day where it all piled upon me in heaps and without glitter. Everyone wants me to get back to normal to make ‘moola moola’ right now. Today I had a day where i f felt like I just wanted to be a mum. I’ve had nine months hidden away with my bump, where i’ve closed the drama of the world away from me and lived peacefully…merrily..without drama and just with my immediate family. I’ve had 2 lovely weeks of being lost in a blissful bubble of intense powder puffed love.

Now my world has changed and I do like it as i’m doing really well with work. But today…i just wanted to me a mum and you get days like that! It just makes me human. I think that I felt my independancy was being played with my others today and I didn’t like it one bit.

I’m all back togther right now though. I had a walk around Ponty town centre and did really normal things like go to ‘Marks and sparks’ to buy corriander chicken and red wine. God knows how, but i ended up tottering home with bags full of things. (Helllo therapy.) As soon as I got home, i apologized to my Loverboy and haven’t been able to let my Baby Ruby go without a smooch every 4 seconds. I adore her and ended up weirdly buying her a lemon bobbly cardigan/bootie set from an old lady in Ponty simply because she knitted it. 🙂

I hate these ‘drama’ moments I have. However, i’m grateful for all that i have. I think I miss my mum. I need to pull myself together pronto.

Pete’s currently asking me if we can hurry up and go to his Mums. I’ve had wine…and well if you look through my lovely history, it’s never good for me to do wine then mums. I turn all ‘loser.’ I think i just need a rest but I feel too bad to tell Pete that a rest is all I need, because he’ll be all upset, yet not show it. I feel as though i’m always having to do what other people want me to do these days. After i’ve had more sleep and bit of chicken, i’ll be fine. x

Ruby in her ‘bobbly’ lemon cardy.

Getting a bit Preachy

When you’ve woken up to the sound of your newborn baby slapping you in the face because she wants more ‘bottle’ and your ‘Handsome’ who enjoys to sleep diagonally across your ‘not very marital’ bed rapping ‘Regulate’ by Nate Dog, in order to mark his remembrance, you know your day’s gonna be a dodgy one! I reached to my left and grabbed my baby’s morning feed, whilst panicking because I couldn’t find the bib anywhere?? (The bib! The Bib! It drives me insane!!)  Then looked to my right and quite rightly informed Loverboy that he sounded more like Barry Manilow than Nate Dog. It created a *chuckle,* however he then got yelled at for choosing accidental lesbian hairstyles for Ruby before picture taking. I mean, lets give her a chance here! Until she begs me for hair extensions, surely we should be letting it grow as long as utterly possible, so that she’s mistaken for Poncahontas at least 3 times a week?? I’m raising a Glamour Puss, not a….[enter a typical punchline here. 🙂 ]

Great day on the whole. Worked from home. Enjoyed a sunbed session. Played with my bambino and her funny little faces non-stop. Had Pete fall madly in love with Me, once more and commit to odd dancing to ‘The Overtones’ whilst I performed a nappy change because of this love. (Not my own nappy. But the one belonging to my rather delicious but  pooey daughters.) ‘The Overtones’ who i currently adore, were on our telly box, by our home changing trolley (it’s like a buffet cart of ‘everything you need’ baby wonders. I’m contemplating a stack of wine for it though.) I think they were singing ‘For the Longest time’ and there we found ourselves…sober…happy…and singing it to our baby Ruby in unison whilst she screamed at us for not tending to her needs quick enough. (I really do need more sleep.)

I’ve worked from home. Not been as stressed out as normal. Mailed last minute emails to agents, who needed my ‘Forward’ for my book and are ready to get ‘the good old ball’ rolling for Wunna Land. I’ve contacted America in regards to my cosmetics line and it needing to be sold over here in the deliciousness of England. I have a glass of red. My head itches. I’ve been stalking ‘Chris Moyles’ and i’ve tended to saving the children of Africa by donating money to Comic relief. (I hope you have toooooooo!!!) I’m quite ‘save the world’ at the moment, due to this bizarre belief that if you do good for others God forgives you for sinning and swearing. Then good things parcel there way to you from the Heavens magically. It’s true! I’m living proof. Lord knows how i’ve managed to do well? It certainly isn’t…[oh go on..i’ll let you add another crap punchline in here also.]

Okay due to that ‘Peaches’ thing. I’ve been inundated with loads and loads of fan mail! ‘An inspiriation’ they’ve been calling me and all because I told the truth and spoke my mind! I’m quite liking all this love, as it powers my tragic self forward..with a smile. Great things have happened to me in life, alongside a dirty dish of evil. Yet it’s awesome to finally sit back, breathe, look at my new family and know that everythings going to be A.Okay! (Pete’s feeling weirdly frisky again. I’m pretending I haven’t figured it out yet. The one glass of wine must have gone straight to his loins? Or that tart, i bought him. ‘Tart’ as in strawberry and not slag.) I’m too tired and terrified to have sex right now. I’ve had soo many random people, shove sooo many foreign ‘lovelies’ into my privates during my deliciously tedious labour, that the simple THOUGHT of having to open my legs and let something in (let alone a mildy drunken happy, flesh wriggly) is completely beyond my comfort zone. No more rummaging in my privates…. BY ANYONE!!!

Had a busy day really. Concentrating on my day job and my book. Loving the mail from all of you. Thoroughly enjoying Mummyhood. I mean, i still have moments when I look at Ruby and have a little ‘happy’ cry. To me…she’s magical. I sit and wonder what she’s going to be like when she grows up? I just CAN’T BELIEVE i’m a mum!! It’s made my world complete.

Life is weird. *Adjusts tiara-sips wine.* I ventured from heartache, a tumulous revolving door of past lovers, this Hollywood life, this world of ‘party party’…good things, bad things, a modelling career…a dream come true. Feeling uo. Feeling down. Living a rollercoaster. Yet always looking out of my hotel window hoping that one day i’d find my true love. My ‘Knight.’ Wishing that one day, i’d beable to start this wonderfully amazing family. I always wished for that…behind a mask of rather glamourous martini dripped nights of ‘ooh.’ (Which i did actually love 🙂 )

Years later. Here i am. With all of that AND a perfectly package career. You can have anything you wish for. You just have to wish hard enough and step forward with *shimmie* of courage. People will always try to tell you how to think or tell you how to be. Even tell you what’s right for you. From what i’ve learnt in life and i’ve lived a very looong one. (It’s not how long you’ve lived, but how you’ve lived.) No-one can DO you, or BE you, better THAN YOU. As long as you can do that and add a ‘sizzle-sizzle-wink’ then you’re unstoppable.

I’ve had one glass of wine and it’s gone straight to my head. No wonder i’ve turned a bit preachy. Lol. Now, i can hear monkey noises coming from Pete? *Puts glass down.* I really do need to get some more work done.

LOVE all your messages!!!!

Ps/I’ve totally realized that not ONLY am I  a M.I.L.F. But i’m also a proper hi-tech mum. Back in the day, i’m sure Mothers had to walk for miles, in rags, with their crying babies, hymn singing desperately and in dying hope that their baby child would calm. This morning, mid-bottle feed, in diamante earrings, a weave and whilst Ruby was deciding to be moany. I flicked my Blackberry Torch onto Youtube and played brightly coloured ‘Teletubbie’ videos for her, on a tiny tv screen IN BED. Then after doing chipper comedic faces at her, like a ridiculous looney toon. I placed my other phone on ‘speaker’ and made work calls. Oh yeah baby!

No rest for the wicked.

Went back to work today and it was actually really great. Yeah, I missed life as a Mummy, girlfriend and Ultimate Lady of leisure. *Wink-Pout.* Yet there’s something about my place of work that you kinda miss when you no longer venture through those glass doors at 10am. We’re like one big happy dysfunctional family and when i strutted in there today, for the first time without my *bump* and saw all those family faces, decorated with screeches of ‘OMG. I can’t believe you’re back!’ I felt weirdly all warm and fuzzy inside. I looked around and saw Bex, Claire, Lucy,

Pete has lost his mind

He’s going through a mid-life crisis. A hilarious moment of ‘he think’s he looks old’ and at the very mild age of 25, has ocurred! I’m in stitches at how far ‘Loverboy’ has decided to go, in order to feel the fountain of youth upon his brow once more. When you hear the voice of your ‘handsome’ asking if he can borrow your eyeliner pencil and then 7 minutes later witness the foolery that I have been blessed to witness, you know you’re about to hand the ‘other half’  title, of your ‘whole’ to a complete and utter…. nutjob. (I don’t care if he flops his willy out by a tumble dryer.)

Okay, so Pete walks back into the room 7 minutes later with a Bee Gee’s swagga, thinking he’s all the rage and 10 years younger…with what looked like his new HAIR! Now, I’m a Glamour Puss. I’m all for a bit of a new do! We know I love my weave. YET when the new hair is your girlfriends EYELINER  and you’ve tried to be unfortunately creative in order to feel young again. You can’t blame me for being concerned. *Does puzzled face*

It seems Pete in a moment of utter panic and in a desperate attempt to cling onto his ever dying youth, *Rolls eyes* decided to COLOUR IN the receeding parts of his hairline, with firstly black Biro and then MY EYELINER (after the Biro didn’t work on his sweaty bald parts) in order to make himself more fanciable. HAHAHAHAHA! This is the father of my child! I used to be married to a movie star for crying out loud. I’m now having babies and romantic forever love with a human who draws hair on his fricking head!!!

He truely, no word of a lie, believes that his receeding hairline is ruining his darling ‘good looks’ to the point where COLOURING IN his bald patches with biro and then eyeliner has now dawned upon him as a wonderful idea. I love men, when they’ve gone a little wacky out of insecurity. I’m used to this kind of ‘show.’ Yet they’ve never coloured in their bald patches. HAHAHAHAAH.

I mean he’s sitting on the sofa right now, with drawn on hair rocking our child. Infact, he now seems to have a drawn on beard and moustache??? What has happened? I went out to buy a beef sandwich and in the time that I have been absent, the whole of Wunna land seems to have fallen to pieces. Loverboy has coloured in hair and is chilling like it’s REAL…and he won’t fight the feeling. ‘Now be honest Chrissie. Do I look younger? Do you fancy me more now?’

Drawn on hair officially terrifies me from this day forward. You people, make my blog writing far too easy on me. He’s trying to kiss me with an eyeliner moustache! What the pokery is going on?? I’ve literally  sent another boy *doo-laa-lee!*  If this is Pete at 25, then Lord Knows what i’ll be victim to when he actually gets properly old! (‘Pete…your hair is DRAWN ON. I can’t tell you that I fancy you. You look like a fucking weirdo.’)

Anyway, I was gonna tell you how I had a bit of a much needed pamper day. Now i’m a new mum, you don’t get a REAL pamper day, you only get time to fo your nails. But that i did. I now rock hot pink tips, with a silver glitter band. #BEME! I’m tanned. I’m feisty. I FINALLY FIT into my old clothes. [Party Dance Move Here.] I made the chinese nail lady cry, after telling her the story of my current sleepless nights. (Apparently it took her back to when she had her baby girl. I’m good at taking people back to a time they had forgotten, via my life…and then making them accidentally cry, over a full set and glitter.) It was oddly moving…until i got charged £32. But whocares, I loved the chinese nail lady and well my hot pink tips, with silver glitter band ROCK!! I say, worth it..and mainly because mid-file down she kept forcing me to do vagina clenches, in order to ‘keep it tight.’ lol AND I got a cuppa tea!

Other than all that I bought sight. I invested in an extra pair of slutty secretary glasses. I bought a sun bed session and DOLLs do i feel AMAZING. Today is the first day in 9 months that I actually feel back! I feel sexy glamourous and back to being ME! I worked it. I strutted and winked at anyone that would stand infront of me long enough and I had an eraand running blast. I have my ‘ooh laa’ back, my body back, my world back and it just feels great to be swaggering my confident little ‘Mmmkay’ around once more! Hurrah!!! Loving it.

I enjoyed all the attention, all the stares, milked the compliments and thanked every women that congratulated me on getting my ‘ooh‘ back in full ‘Daddio’ force. Bitches The Wunna is BACK! I feel powerful I’m HOT again and it feels goooooood!

I did the whole afternoon in sunglasses and faux fur, ran back home and told Loverboy how wonderful my day of ‘attention‘ had been. After 9 months of waddling around, it really made a difference to step out and have people look and treat Me the same way that they always did. It made me feel sexy again. I’M FINALLY A M.I.LF!!! *Ticks that off her life long goal chart.*

Infact, now I think about it, since coming home and telling Pete about how all the boys were giving me the ‘Woobie woobie’ (It’s what we call the ‘oooh she’s a bit of alright’ look.) He THEN decided to colour in his bald patches with Biro. HAHAHA. Aww…he’s trying to be all young so i fancy him even though I love him anyway. We’re a couple that couldn’t be more in love. Me getting the old figure back terrifies him. Like I said, he’ s not keen on the other ‘handsomes’ swaggering in. I cuddled him earlier, when I was all smiles of excitement. He looked at me and said ‘You’re making me feel nervous again.’ Whenever i’m all confident and Kitty ‘ooh.’ He turns shy?

I think i’m gonna wipe off his drawn on beard and give him a big smooch. Not only does he need some TLC. But I’m sure Baby Ruby (who now has a terrible rash all over her face 🙁 ) is terrfied. I’ve just read an email stating that I’m meant to be at work right now. Oopsie!!! I didn’t even realize!!!

It ain’t easy

Today life has been WUNNAFUL. *Pout.* I’ve enjoyed a delicious lunch at The Wattis’ (Loverboy’s Mum & Dad’s,) i’ve loved every single moment with wmy very new daughter Ruby. I’ve re-fallen in love with my ‘handsome’ after thinking that we might have fallen out of love yesterday evening. (It was just stress and exhaustion. Don’t worry. I demanded to sleep on my own and through the entire night after only being able to capture 7 hours sleep in 8 days.) Having a new baby isn’t easy and i’m not used to such a responsibility. I have natural moments where I occasionally doubt that i can take the strain. (I have a great deal on my plate. Not just a baby, but a lot of work to handle.) Yet i did spend my ‘sleepy time’ alone and in a strop. All it did was make me feel was guilty, alone and like all need is Pete and Ruby. They are my the people who ignite my  strength right now. I woke up and ran to them (they were only in the other room) like my life depended on them. Ruby looked at me and gave me ‘You’re gonna be fine Mum’ smile. I grabbed her and smooched her like there was no tomorrow. Loverboy looked at me with a grin that suggested that he always knew i would come around. I LOVE that he’s never mad at me. It help me pull myself together and get down to Mummyhood with a swagga. (When my bambino is in my arms, I feel like i can take over the world!) Other mums get to only focus on the fact that they now have a baby. I am having to juggle soooo many other things, at the same time, that the fear and stress of the Wunna circus occasionally gets the better of me. But i’m learning. If you’re a new mum, you don’t have to pretend that everythings perfectly dandy ALL of the time, simply because it’s the PC way of dealing with it all. Being a new mum is emotionally difficult for everyone. Yet know that once you get the hang of it…it really becomes an easy *breeze* of lovely lovely!

Anyway, i’ve done most of the day in size 10 skinny jeans and a ‘

I’m reading ya Tweets and loving them. I’ve enjoy the support of Team Wunna. It keeps me all happy and tragically ‘showy offy.’ If i can be your voice I will be. I mean we better make the most of the time that i’m actually sober. I seem to do better when i’m not on cocktail juice. I’m under a lot of stress, with the book and all and a deadline. But i’m handling it wonderfully. I know! I’ve even shocked myself. (Aww baby Rubys pooped again and Loverboy’s changing her whilst singing hip hop at her. He was all upset earlier because I had put her in the colour GREEN today. Apparently because it’s not pink, she might look like a boy?? In our family the boys play the boy roles and the girls are nothing short of Glamour pusses. If it’s any other way…there’s problems!)

Anyway, i’ve got to go, but I do adore you all ever so much! It’s funny sitting on my sofa, feeding my tiny bambino and having Pete flick over to ITV2, only to see my preggo face ramble on about ‘fame’ to Peaches. Even though I *cringe* a my Tom Foolery and refuse to watch it out of a weird shyness, it does feel good to know that i’m on the telly. There is MORE of it this year!!

You’re all delicious! Don’t let anyone tell you any different. Mmmkay!

In a bit of a Rush!

Okay, so i’ve had my weave tightened. looks amazing. Yeah it feels like I have a donkey attached to my head. On the whole…job well done! Love it! *Please Pay Here.*

Doncaster was wonderful yesterday because I got to show my tiny little ‘Rubes’ off to the delicious masses, who greeted me with, ‘You’re that girl off that Paris Hilton thing! OMG! You were on Peaches!’ I do love all tat and i’m never one to deny it. I’m one to frollock in a bit a of ‘look at me.’ Yet it also kinda makes me feel as though i’ve managed to make everyone celebrate my life with me. *Party Popper.* I especially love the girls that spotted me buying eyeshadow and eyeliner in the shade of ‘too much.‘ I dropped my baby bottle…because i’m a really great mum 🙂 and well they scurried after it and returned it to my daughter like she was Cleopatra. (Then she burped…tried to *wink* and we I dollied off after giving them’read my blog’  hugs.) Great day! My family were amazing. My Mum is a champion grandma, yet claims it’s ‘weird‘ having a baby around due to the fact that it’s like raising ME all over again. It’s almost as if God..has thrown her back into ‘Time Warp’ (without the garters) and given her a second chance at raising a Chrissie Wunna. I adore my mum more than anything and because she wheels into people with my child and when she’s at her most careful, whilst boasting that i’m off the telly. 🙂 That ‘Peaches’ thing really did bizarrely do me well. More people watched it than you think. My day was filled with cuddles and light. (Yes!! Weirdly no hate!) I’m actually going to do rather well? Therefore if I pass on any little ‘nonsense’ to you, know that the littlest thing can go a long looong way!

Today, Loverboy and I are off to his parents for lunch! We take Ruby every weekend and well Pete’s gonna try his hanad at Baileys Creme Brulees. I’m being told to ‘hurry up.’ I’ve got sooo much to tell you…UGH! Anyway..laters. I’m attempting to wear skinny jeans today. I’m back to being a Glamour Puss. But i’m weirdly still in a preggo nappy. 🙂

Doncaster Today!

Just woke up. In a mighty old rusheroo. I have diamonds draped from my cardigan and nappies attached to my hair. Baby Ruby is being tended to by my Mr. Lover Lover and I’m waiting for my darling Mother, (The Great Wunna before Me) to drive on down and take both Baby Ruby and I to Doncaster, so that I can get my weave tightened.

I don’t exactly know what that entails? But i’m having to get it done anyway, due to the fact that i believe my weave now growls. I have an 11am appointment at ‘Talking Heads’ and well anytime I can been surrounded by good Doncaster girly banter, pink and glamour puss parlour like smells..I’m happy. I’ve never had a weave done with a bambino on my knee before. Hopefully they’ll get the right head and my chil won’t come out looking like Tina Turner. [Oh go that *rooollling* dance.]

I’m slighty nervy because whenever I do venture back to my hometown, (where they love a bit of the old Wunna) it gets a little hectic. (Aww Ruby looks like JLO today.) I’m gonna be in the hair salon for an hour of my day, then i’m let loose into the circus of Doncaster to get my much needed essentials. (Baby headbands & lipgloss.) I’ve slept in my contacts again, therefore if you see me and i’m ‘lazy eyeing’ you, know that i’m blind and give me money. 🙂

Erm…shit! I hate these blogs where i have about 1 minute to tell you everything and then everything never comes out!!! My agents gonna kill me for not working on my book today. However, i’m just in the mood for getting back my femme power and waltzing around life with my baby ‘looks like JLO’ girly. Ugh! Why is Loverboy’s cat always trying to sabbotage my baby??? God, i can’t at all find my sunglasses!

Anyway, godda go! I’m in Donny all day. I’m getting my hair re-did. I’m working it. I’m owning it. I’m going to attempt to buy skinny jeans. [Applaud here.] And i’m actually going to try and find inspiration for my book.

I really want this all to work out..but I just can’t do it without the right weave! I could totally get a cocktail today if I wanted. *Glitter spray.* Yet due to my low carb intake..i fear that one sip’d make me pass out immediately and i’d end up getting carried away by gypsies, who’d try to sell me to Thailand. I hate that I don’t have working eyes.

Okay. Okay. I think i’m all organized. Oh and if you delicious kittens have any suggestions about what area you think my book should dabble in…message me. I really do need ya help. (Pete and I got invited to some red carpet do tonight…but we’ve turned the shindig down in order to be parents. Are we really growing up??? Holy Moly! Well done us!)

Darlings! Love you. x

Book Drama Much.

I’m finally putting my book together and OMG it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I mean, how hard can it be, like honestly!!! I’m tearing my hair out with ‘’s just not good enough’ and then trying to slot it all into place, so that it makes a juicy read. I feel like i’m currently jamming the square peg, through the round hole. I’m going insane. Madly. Actually attempting to piece your blog into your book, to fit a certain criteria and word limit, when the book is about your life is HARD! Where do you begin? How do you end? Who do people hire to do all this for them? 🙂

I mean here I am all ‘boasty boasty’ about how i’ve managed to write it all myself and do it ALL myself, when right now…I would give ANYTHING for ANYONE to do it all for me. I hate my tragic boasty self. UGH! Am I lazy? Am I impatient? Am i terrified that it all will fail??? OMG! It’s really difficult and i’ve had a great deal of help, from very dear folk who have lent a giant hand in the organization of it all. I’ve really underestimated how much work actually goes into the making of an actual book.

I’ve been told to keep it about my time on the show and what happened afterward. Y’know..keep it a bit showbizzy, celeb orientated and the glitzy part of my life. It sounds really simple. But it’s not. My blog is such a huge mass of life and words that it’s almost impossible to condense it into a tiny book. It’s 5 books. I could write one on love. One on life. One on Motherhood. One on LA and one on the whole showbizzy malarky. Picking and pulling the best bits out and threading them together in order to make it humourously entertaining…is terrifying me. I just need to stop being a baby and get to it, don’t I? [Breathe here.]

I think, i’m just getting scared now and bottling it. I’m doubting my greatness! I must be? It’s weird? It’s not hard. I’m just being my natural tragic self and complicating it all. It’s ALL DONE. I just need to piece it together. Confidently. All it takes is balls and discipline. I mean, the blog works well enough to have scored me a book deal. I need to calm down…no longer fret and get it done.

I think it just means an awful lot to me and I want it to be great. I want you all to be impressed and love having that bit of ‘Wunna’ with you. It’s going to be in stores!! I need it to at least be delicious. At least be worth it. Y’know be something that I’m actually proud of and something that everyone enjoys.

I’m glad i’ve vented. I’m now gonna get back to the madness. Luckily Baby Ruby’s just woken up, meaning that I can indulge in Mummy cuddles and lovies, before I get back to business. Awww..she’s doing angry pirate faces at me, because she’s pooed. What it must be like, to be 15 days old! Imagine having to do your first 15 days in Wunnaland.

There’s NO ROPE Dude!

Morning my yummy treats of ‘ooh laa.’ Not only am I currently *bopping* around to The Only Way Is Essex music video. (I sooo need a ‘’ one of those. Feat. Wazza.) We all know, i’m a kitty cat who enjoys a good time. *Throws glitter at you- slides you down a cocktail.* Therefore today’s the day, New Mum Wunna, steps back into her life of fabulosity, *Adjusts tiara*and re-sambas to the old art of *shimtastic.*I’m one of those chicas that believes it’s important to feel feminine once more after 9 months of being a preggo-hontas. Y’know fill lost ‘ooh’ with a mighty jug of ‘Va Voom.’ Get back to who you are, how you are, whilst working the way you strut. Just because you’re a Mum doesn’t mean you have to immediately retire to the racks of Bon Marche and *Frump* it forward with a pretence of responsibilty. I’m a GREAT mum. Ruby is my world. Not only has she made me the happiest Puss in town. Yet when i’m happy..I want to celebrate…and in feathers!!! *Lowers living room disco ball.* (I wish 🙂 )

Okay! I’ve had a mighty 3 hours sleep due to midnight feeds and baby cuddles. I’m waiting for the Midwife to pop on over. I’ve had to actually hoover around (eww much) because Loverboy…although lovely, is probably the messiest person i’ve ever lived with. (Actually no. Greg who left a tranny on my bed, who was wearing my knickers in LA..was quite messy. I remember walking into my room, after a night at the Cabana club, with a freshly pulled ‘Handsome.’ I ended up doing my giddy wiggle upstairs, whilst trying to perform excited, yet tragic ‘sexy’ faces. I found a Tranny in my bed, who seemed to be on all fours and working it. It’s actually resembled a kinky game of Twister. That ‘Doll‘ had every part a going! 🙂 Three other lovelies also seemed to be ruffling up my empty sheets…therefore obviously it kinda rolled my night down an immediate hill of despair! Greg was definitely my messiest Hollywood roomy. Quite irresponsible of him to leave his Tranny on my bed really. All Loverboy left was a chip.)

I have another ‘work from home’ day. My book is almost almost done. I’m really counting on it doing once it hits the stores, I really need you to buy it. I’ve just realized that the ‘Peaches show’ was my first ever ‘sit down on a sofa, on the telly’ interview. Quite terrifying really. I have a lot more of them in a month and a bit to promote my book. If i can take that, then I can take anything. Things are falling into place nicely now and I’ve just recieved a text from Wazza reading: ‘Hits on the website are still 5 times more higher, since the airing of the show.’ I guess a little bit goes a long way! (God, i really need food right now.)

I’m on this baby weight diet. I’ve gone from a very preggo size 14-16, to a jolly old UK 10 right now. Unfortunately, i’ve done this in under 2 weeks, which isn’t at all safe. (I guess verbally abusing comedians and hair-tossing sheds pounds.) I’ve never really been weight focussed. But seeing how ‘rollie pollie’ I was on the telly the other night, kinda ‘soiled’ my mind with nonsense. Maybe I am a great deal more weight focussed than I thought? I’m on a tragical low carb diet, with a tremendous amount of exercise. (I have a Day Job at a gym, Xercise4less, so I can lunge for free with drippy hot trainers.) However, I don’t want you all to now think you need to diminish those curves and stop eating bread. Remember that i’ve just had a bambino. Walking around with a dropped belly and a *wink,* hardly screams ‘Glamour Puss.’ In a month, i’ll have my body back and I can finally rock the title of M.I.L.F. (Yes. I am that hidieous!)

Gay Adam’s been texting me a lot. He must miss me and all that good stuff. Anyway he’s started running again. *Rolls eyes.* I hate it when he starts the running because it’s never about getting fit and it’s always about him either falling in love with the wrong guy, stalking…the wrong guy, falling out of love…with the wrong guy…or the wrong guy, being evil to him. Running to me is a sin anyway. Running on a treadmill, means you’re never truely ever gonna get anywhere. You end where you started and that is on the spot. But in sweaty gym shorts and maybe with an itchy crotch.

Now Gay Adam never has a decent love life, which I hate because he’s a decent human being. Really he is. (I can relate to that. I mean i’ve had a jolly bunch of admirers, however if they roll you out of bed after a few weeks, it doesn’t actually count.) But anyway Adam’s apparently going back to DisneyLand Paris to see an ex..who plays ‘Prince Charming’ and well due to Prince Charming’s kinky ways…he’s going to have to wear leather, have a mask, maybe get raped…and take rope! I’m trying to explain to Adam that there’s no fucking ROPE in Fairytales. I mean, if a ‘Handsome’ swaggered up to me with a piece of girthy rope. I’d stab him with stilettos & ‘whack’ his Disneyland arse back to kinks-ville, to merry music. I’ve told Adam that I won’t allow him to wear leather in Disneyland. I don’t care how gay you are…it’s just tooo ‘tight crotch’ for a teacup. However, Gay Adam I getting it. I recieved a text from him at 22.28 yesterday reading ‘He kissed the Princess, she woke up. The Prince stole a horse, rode back through the ghetto to his council flat and they had it off. There was NO ROPE!’

Luckily, he’s decided to maybe fly to Africa instead to dry hump his other ex ‘French Lover’..who would prefer him to refer to ‘hanky panky‘ as ‘love making.

‘Train Guy’ failed to get on the train this morning….therefore i believe it’s now over! HAHAHA. Oh how I adore the company i choose to keep. I enjoy it because it reminds me of my past and if anyone can hand walk them through the trials and tribulations of love, life and that key to ‘happily ever after’…it certainly is ME!! But this time bitches…i’m sober.

Got to go. Midwife’s here! Finishing book today! I’m feeling lucky and like Wunnaland is about to smear it’s glittery glory on the world FOREVER! I hate my diet. I can’t live on lettuce and be sexy. Pete keeps trying to feed me carbs, in order to slow my journey back to ‘sizzle’ right down, so that the gents don’t pounce on whats his. He told me that he doesn’t AT ALL miss the gaggle of drop jawed shirtless himbo’s, who fancy trying their act on the old Glamour Puss. It’s hard on him, due to his rather romantic nature. I swear he’s dipping my raw carrot sticks in bacon juice?

We took Baby Ruby to meet her 90 year old Great Grandma yesterday, at Pinderfields hospital. (We couldn’t even get through the hospital without everyone stopping to ‘aww’ at our yummy bambino. Women of all ages walked over to say ‘hello.’