Another Day In Paradise

Just got home from quite a good day at work, where i sit tucked away in a magical office, above weight lifting hero’s and cross-training chicas and teens who squat to To say i slept on the sofa last night, due to my merry old ‘bicker-bicker’ with my little bit of ‘Handsome,’ and in a random pair of slutty secretary spectacles. I actually looked quite ‘work it, own it.’ I laid there last night in leopard print, with a giant duvet pulled over my head, whilst commiting to a giant Princess weep into a snotty ball of tissue, that not only was now covered in black mascara prints and smears of foundation. Yet, was already in an utter state of ‘already cried on.’ It was all hard and ball like and leaving tissue dust on my fake tanned nose.

Luckily Loverboy and I have made up, after I stormed out of the appartment this morning, with my tan,  faux fur coat and my ‘tude‘ of utter ‘atti.’ I think i’m bitchier when i’m in a faux fur? I didn’t even actually wear it this morning, I merely hung it over my left arm, like an accessory. (For those of you who desire to be ‘Vixen,’ know that a flung faux fur is almost a neccesity. *Pout. * If you don’t commit to the flung faux fur, know that you are nothing. 🙂 ) But as I left this morning, on the inside I felt terrible, because the last thing I saw was Pete laid in bed, on his side, under the covers looking so hurt as I told him that  I ‘HATED‘ him. He’s a good piece of ‘being’ therefore in a moment of ‘she reall ymight leave me,’ he quietly looked up at Me and asked  ‘How do I make this better?‘ The correct thing for me to do would be to refrain from being a glamourous, diamante dripped bratt  of ‘i’ll take it out on you, because i’m really fucking tired,‘ and gleefully make up with a cuddle. But no. I’m a twat and a twat on fricking chop suey firecrackers. (You don’t mess with asian chicks. We’re the ones with the roundhouse kick and the psycho ninja stars in the movies. Our Fairytales end in…blood or $50. 🙂 ) Therefore I think I commited to saying something mildy ‘shouty’ and hurtful, like ‘i don’t love you, i’m replacing you.’ Lol. ( I WILL get over myself one day. Just not today.) Oh and I say ‘mildy’ because now i have my beautiful daughter, there’s no shoutiness. Our fights are done in whispers and when she’s asleep. If  Ruby wakes up, we immediately turn all ‘Disney’ and start being overly smiley and cooey to nursery rhymes. Haha. Tragical. It’s hard to be angry when you have a tiny bundle of ‘tickle-fest’ farting right by you. Anyway it ended with him saying ‘If you want me to pick you up from work, I will. I can’t talk to you when you’re just being mean.’ The great thing about Pete is the fact that he’s very together and very mature. He is far too coolio in the most heated moments of despair. The little things don’t bother him, yet the big things make him fall to pieces. With me, i’ll dramatize the tiny molehills and well the giant mountains I can climb with a giggly ease, wine and laughter. Weird innit!

Long story short, we’ve made up, after I gave into my own stubborness, remembered how much I adore him and sent him a text reading, ‘Petey…i’m not mad anymore.’ After having a big old girly vent of laughter with Kelly (the hottie on the next desk to me, at work) who also stormed out of her house this morning screaming at her male counterpart over a mug of ‘Ovaltine.’ I really loving Kelly right now because i’m newly getting to know her better and beginning to see how similar we are. There was moment mid-vent where she kind of paused and said, ‘Yeah, as I stormed out, he said he was leaving me, so i think i better stop being mean now and make up. LOL.’ Anyway after comparing our feisty girlfriend stories of hell and admiring the beauty of one another over coffee. We then decided that drinking is the only answer and phoned our Mums for moral support. I loved that moment because it makes me think that Ruby and I will have those times of ‘Mum…do NOT tell him that I care AT ALL. I’m trying to make him think I don’t care!!’  (Pete’s always nice to me if i’m really drunky and probably because thinks i’ll ‘put out’ much more easily. It’s an opportunity not to be wasted.) Had a great afternoon at work with Kels. We then talked diets and babies. Then dabbled with the delicious art of sarcasm. A game i’m really quite good at!

Okay Pete’s response to my text was ‘Aww..i love you too’ and he called me with a new found joyous lust for life! He always forgives Me and well I need a man like that in my life. (Aww..Ruby’s in her Moses basket next to me sucking her dummy, like she’s ‘Maggie’ from The

I’m glad we’re all back to’ Fairytale’ again. We’ve kissed, had wine and made up. It’s actually funny writing out my life and then forgetting that people actually read it and know everythings that’s happened before i walk through the door. I’ve had so many people stop me today to randomly ask me if i’m ‘still sulking?‘ Lol. Blogs are greatness and because you’ve already explained yourself previously and before ‘the meet,’ kinda like you get you get a ‘teaser’ before you actually get to YOUR part in my life. Lol. It’s fun! (And I thankyou for all the messages of ‘hope it all gets better.’ I even got ones from Nigeria…and Asda. 🙂 )

The thing that made me forgive Petey was simply the fact that I wasn’t really mad. I was just stressed and exhausted. I loved him all along and well whenever I see Rubes, I realize how (after shots) and why (out of love) she was created and well nothing in this world is better than that! I also recieved an exciting phonecall today. Yet you’ll find that out later Dolls. (I’m juggling far too much right now, yet luckily, i’m finding it hilarious! I need a pair of spanx and my weave has gone baggy. Life couldn’t really be better! 😉 )

I’m off to have wine. I have work tomorrow morning then finally it’s the weekend!!! TFFT!!!

‘P’ is for Purr

Oh my god!

Ham in my hand?

Managed to wear a fushia clevage office shirt and spy on men in blue speedos in a changing room, by a disabled toilet door today, meaning life must be pretty decent after all. I’ve been a tired little kitty cat, due to night time feeds, whilst tending to Motherhood and everything else on top of the clocks changing. (I needed that extra hour.) But i’ve never been happier. I really do feel all juicy and excited. All bronzed, bedroomed and with a ‘glint’ of ‘ooh laa’ in my eyes. I’m working harder than ever. My day job. My love life. My book. I guess, i just feel lucky and i’m finally managing to focus on the positive and shimmie on forward with a wink. (I’m on fire!)

I currently have  glass of wine. My Lit. Agent gave me that little bit of ‘Well done’ that i needed. Lol. I’m still looking for a new house. (I’m all for it being extremely flashy. I’m not at all humble. I of the tragic breed, who enjoy to flaunt it and coz they can. Why not?) I’ve just smooched my ‘handsome’ in the middle of the kitchen and Baby baby Ruby who i’ve missed ALL DAY…is currently dressed as a baby pink bear and sleeping.

I actually still have a lot of work to do, as i’m really going to get my book finished by the end of the week. But like really. No bullshit. *Has a bit of wine.* Life is purrfect. I’m working what I got. I’m feeling confident, fun loving, yet dashed with a wee bit of sense and i’m ready to take over the world. I’m feeling really great about my book right now and i’ve noticed that I only feel shit about it when i’m tired. (Whenever my daughter is in the arms of anyone, instead of being all polite and calm, she goes on an insame mad hunt for their nipple. I mean, she even angrily pants mid-search. Pete’s making gourmet meals for himself. I’m on a diet.)

I’m currently crazily in love with Petey and I feel that right back from him. We’ve just got this loving relationship thing down now and it’s not only romantic, but it’s delicious. We have our barney’s. But whatever. It’s nothing that wine can’t solve and a bit of clevage. I’m watching him cook and everything he does seems to be adorable. I weirdly feel like i’m his mother. (Don’t ask! lol) Yeah I know it’s creepy. But I always just want to care for him and protect him like I do Ruby. Pete’s a great deal more innocent than i am. I’ve adventured this world and if i can protect anyone from the horror and the hurt of it all…i will. (And maybe feel them up a little. 🙂 ) Pete’s always ever so loving with me, yet he’s taking it to new heights of devotion? He obviously must be broke. The broker they are the nicer they become. 🙂 When their bank balance is running a little low they’ll either be evil to you, due to them feeling highly inadequate. OR they’ll be extra loving (like I would) and because you have the deniro. If you’re a girl of the glamour puss variety. It’s important that you have your own moola and if possible MORE than your male counterpart. 😉

Anyway, I’ve been at work all day today and actually loved it. Working when the sun is out is always better. I spent the day next to a lovely named Karan. We laughed all day whilst drinking tea out of leopard print mugs. I told her my tragic tales of glory and well after deciding that i’m quite the ‘flooze’ and a stalker..she turned to me and said, ‘You know what I like about you Chrissie? It’s the fact that you always see the good in people.‘ (Aww…i love those moments and it’s true I do and only because I understand life and human ways. I’ve made mistakes. I’m no good at sympathy. But I can soooo do empathy! Even though it doesn’t go with my vixen hair toss. I had two girls hunt through my weave today, whilst i was chewing gum. I can’t believe how bad a stalker I used to be! Luckily now i don’t have to be. Once you’ve been on the telly weirdly everyone wants a piece. You end up having to beat them with sticks. Being on the telly box is best way to make everyone fancy you. They accept you even when you’re a twat!)

Okay the wine is going straight to my head now. I need food before i attempt to be an author. I can’t WAIT to see my book on shelves. Why do I have ham in my hand? (I loved the days when all i had in my fridge was half drunken champagne, ham and a face pack.)

It’s all gravy

OMG! I’m one kitty cat of exhausted much! I have spent the entire weekend working on my book and feeling great about myself for FINALLY emailing over a giant chunk of my well written life over to my Lit.Agent. I literally spent 12 hours on it yesterday non-stop, whilst baby feeding and trying to see under my eyelashes. By almost midnight (Very Cinderalla of Me,) I had put together 100 blogs and sent them through Cyber Land to the eyes of my agent. I haven’t a recieved a reply from her as of yet and I think I was shamefully looking for some kind of praise. Not an ‘oh you’re blog is amazing,’ kinda praise. Yet more a ‘Well done for actually sending something over finally!’ Infact even a ‘got it’ would’ve sufficed. I’m that desperate for my pat on the back! Gimme! Gimme! I can’t work without it.

I’ve worked on it all day today too! Well after going to view a property with my Mother, at noon. (I have a great mum. We do everything together.)  I’m wanting to purchase a house and i’m doing it by myself without the acknowledgement of Loverboy. I prefer to do big things by myself. Plus, it’ll be awesome when I get to burst through the door, in a hoochie dress, big hair, diamonds an dleopard print heels screaming, ‘I BOUGHT U

Keeping it ‘Camp’

Today and from now on… i’m keeping it CAMP. Incase you didn’t realize, i’m now back to ‘Vixen’ after a rather preggo spell of ‘waddle-waddle.’ Now, i feel fighting fit. I have work to do. I’m conquering the world. In order to do that i need lipgloss and focus. Today, i’m spending my entire day working solidly on my book. In about one week, it will be FULLY completed. (I KNOW MUCH!!!) I think my agent is probably mildy frustrated at me. I text her this morning filled to the brim with enthusiasm. I got *blanked.* Lol. But this time I really am buckling down. If i’m wanting to spread ‘Wunna-ness’ around the world, via written word. Then i’ve got to get off my lazy patoodi and stop dilly-dallying around. I’m now not as terrified. I’m feel like the QUEEN of  living and liking.

Anyway enough of that! Last night…I had

Excess In Moderation.

My feet have shrunk and it confuses me? I’ve spent every moment of free time that I find working on the book. Baby in one arm, laptop in the other. I’m working my day job fully, trying to slim down away from my evil baby weight, making my relationship with Loverboy work and pulling that ever charming ‘swagga’ out of glittered hats and disco balls.

Okay, working on your book is really hard when you have a newborn. Loverboy’s been working a great deal and well with me refusing to place my Baby Ruby with ‘beings’ that i don’t fully trust, (i’ve an extrememly over-protective Mother,) i’ve been looking after her myself, nanny-free…and writing the book with a boob out and around bowls of salad and nappy bags.

I’m getting my shit together and more than I ever have before. I’m feeling great. I’m learning fast. I’m back to enjoying wine and i’m getting all terrified that my book isn’t gonna be good enough. I mean, it’s really hard to look back on your life, be a completely different person a year or two later, but then have to ‘sell’ your tragical past, like you’re still that ‘Flooze’ who wakes up in her own alcopop vomit. I’m having to attempt to be all confident about it and trust that my fans like me anyway. Plus, if i got get something in by the weekend, my agent will hate me more than she probably already does. Yet, with all the things circusing around my life…i think i’ve done pretty well keeping it all a float.

Worked all day. Had a chubby day. Loverboy and I are massively in love. Yet i’m noticing that he’s a boy that yearns to be loved and adored everso deeply. He’s idealistic about love and I mean the world to him. I am also. Yet i seem to do it with a modern day twist and a *wink* of independance. I’m the modern day Cinderella…yet never had to do rags. I’ve lived this insane life of pokery and i’ve adventured through worlds in order to find the truth to my existance. One moment I was slapping Leonardi Di’caprio in a nightclub as a 20-something and the next minute i’m 30 and wiping poo from the bottom a little girl that entered this world via my vagina. It’s hilarious! (Aww…Baby Ruby is laying on my mum and trying to eat her boobies.)

I don’t really have too much to report, because my mind is currently elsewhere and 100% focussed on getting my bookage completed. I’m buying a new home. I’m wearing too much eyeshadow. I’m enjoying the term ‘slimy twat,’ and I believe my daughter has just slapped me.

Losing my baby weight has begun to be troublesome. I can’t be bothered to be that disciplined. I’m a hell raiser. I’m not good at turing more into less. Be it money, makeup, life or fat. I believe in excess in moderation. Luxury. I’ve been told that I should be running. But fuck that. I don’t run!!! I’ve just had an entire human can-can out of my ‘Lady Part’ and i’m armed with boobies that have pints of MILK in them for crying out loud. YOU RUN! I’ll just eat rice cakes.

Pete an I are doing okay. I mean when we find ourselves doing *hip bumps* to the intro of ‘Billie Jean,’ whilst frying chicken. When that happens you know times are good…or you’ve gone mentally insane. A lot fo BIG things have happened to us since the day we got together. It’s all gone a little fast. I can handle fast. I have rockets in my ‘whoopdee.’ Pete has to get used to Wunnaland. All he has is his undying love for me. I have that…plus my undying love for him :)…and a whole world to manage. We’re getting through it slowly but surely. Yet i’ve decided to push everything to one side and just get down to the hard work. I’m a mum now. This needs to happen. I’m lucky to have so much going on.  Pete’s lovely…but very much still a kid.

I’ve decided to step up my game and be ridiculously impressive. I’m going to be over the top, glamourous, the most hard working Princess alive and make the ever growing fairytale come to life! It’s my time to inspire and I will. I feel ignited…but still a bit chubby!

Anyway got to go! I’ve really got to get this book done. I need to find that confidence again and to get that i need to be around the people who encourage me fully. However, I do finally feel like ME again. That good old ‘Chrissie Wunna.’ (Whenever i feel like me again…my relationships usually fall apart. LOL.)

But yeah..My weekend is jam packed with work, work, work. I’m already exhausted…but I can totally fit in a wine. 😉 ( I was meant to win the lottery tonight. But once again I forgot to play! Oopsie!!! Ah well…i’ll  save ‘Wunna wins millions’ for another day. )

 

Almost lost my baby weight! Yeah bitches!

Keeping it ‘femme’

Day off! Woohoo! Well it’s kinda not really a day off because I am meant to be working from home. Yet when you’re AT home, work seems far more gratifying and due to the fact that you can watch reality tv whilst you do it and eat bacon butties, in thongs and slippers. *Wiggle-wink* TRAGICAL!!!!

Okay, yesterdayI was back in the office and it was actually pretty great. I totally rocked my ‘Office trollop’ Barbie look. One where you look powerful, like you own things, like you maybe had champagne for breakfast, but totally with ya tits out. Well when i say ‘tits out’…I only really did the clevage. ‘Office-trollop’ Barbie is the best. I got all the attention i wished for. I walked my clevage around like it was Hollywood domestic pet and finally got my chest referred to as ‘Milka, Milka’ boobies by weight lifters, who were lunging. When that happens..you’ve pretty much made it. Men are nicer to me when i have my bit of ‘cleeve‘ out and well I’m a kitty cat who prefers an easy sail through life. Anytime i can ‘get my way’ swiftly…i will and i’ll do it with a wink-wink-giggle, or an occassional ‘Power- strut.’ Most call it tragical…I call it clever! If i’m honest i’m just loving being ME again. I spent 9 months in preggo hibernation, flat shoes and vagina soiled maternity pads. Now i’ve slimmed right down and feeling delicious. I want to enjoy it, work ‘it,’ embrace my new ‘MILF’ status, celebrate all the goodies that have blessed my beautiful Glamour Pussy, jewel dripped life and well I’m going to. Even if that means just looking slaggy. 🙂 EVERY girl is allowed to ‘work’ their version of ‘slaggy’ at least once a week. It keeps you ‘kitten.’ Keeps you feeling ‘femme.’ Do it too much and you’ll just get called a ‘whore’ and end up in fishnets, with boys using you as a *bonk* blanket, with a round of gential warts, dipped in a bit of tart. I do ‘Glamour puss.’ It’s a much differernt game of ‘ooh.’ It’s the art of looking flirtatiously ‘easy’ yet being rather deliciously complex.

Loverboy and I have made up. It’s what we do, i guess? I throw a strop, sleep on the sofa and call him an ‘idiot’ and then the next day, after he’s done a series of lovely things, we make up. Baby Ruby is a whole MONTH old today. Everytime we cuddle her…our guards crumble to pieces and we remember to love each other. Pete and I are a perfectly matched couple, yet we are VERY DIFFERENT people. I’m loud, feisty and an over eyelashed ooze of ‘go-getter.’ (A bitch really.) He’s soft, sensitive and always wants a peaceful life. We both enjoy luxury, love and each other. Therefore we get along. My new found ME, has made me a bit of a flirteroo. I like it that way. Loverboy…doesn’t. However, like I said we have buying new homes and weddings coming up next. He must have read my previous blog of anger, because he’s started to cheerlead me along.

Work, life, babies and love are all being handled now. I’m no longer stressed and loving every moment of it. I’ve got the swing of it all and well I think i’m not only lucky to have so much going on, but I noticed that all I needed was someone to tell me to ‘fucking get on with it,’ but nicely, like a cheerleading, *pom, pom* flinging hoochie. *Pity party over.* I lost my way briefly and only because i wanted a ‘feel sorry for me’ moan. Luckily, i’ve lost my way soo many times in life, that finding that brick road of ‘right way,’ is soo much easier these days. It’s a wine, a shrug, a smile and a shake. [Commit to Hip Bumps here.]

Other than all that and the fact that i need to go hit the sunbed in a bit. I was informed that one of my work colleagues has a big vagina. I’ve been causing drama on all lovely continents of the world. I’ve enjoyed to  ‘shakira-shakira’, realized that i’m not as thin as I thought, terrified Pete when I tried to ‘hit’ on him last night. (All I did was wiggle up to him with my juicy clevage and rub his back. He got all nervous and sweaty…then started to talk about contraception, like he was a nun. LMAO!!!) ‘All i’m doing is rubbing your back Pete. I don’t have my knickers down by an ankles!’ I like that I terrify him. It means i still glisten in ‘swagga.’ He told me he would help look after Baby Ruby today, in order for me to get book all done and dusted. He’s forgotten and instead eating salt and vinegar crisps in jogging bottoms.

Life is yummy. My daughter is AMAZING and today is the day she not only hit one month old, but also held her bottle by herself whilst doing a melodic journey of trumps.

You’re all too hot to handle. 😉

 

 

‘D’ is for Drama

Oversized rats and slut dresses

Getting ready for 

Tilt and Type

Woke up this morning and found camels on my phone? You know you’ve had a good night, if you end up with camels on your phone right? I kinda rolled my body over, found my bambinonext to me, wedged between my Loverboy and I. I reached for my Blackberry and as i went to *browse,* there they were…camels. (And I do mean ‘pictures of’ and not actual real life camels, just sat on my phone. I’m Greatness…yes. But i’m not that Greatness. Well I am really. Yet, not high enough in the fame game to summon camels whenever I so wish.) I actually don’t enjoy camels. They creep me out because they always look angry and a girl i went to school with bought me a camel whip that weirded me out as a gift from her holiday.

Then to make the morning even more ‘normal.’ I attempted to calm Baby Ruby from crying by playing her happy childrens songs. AGAIN…i clicked on my phone, found a video that claimed to be the ‘Im a little teapot’ sing for children on Youtube. I play it, all excited with an ‘ooh’ face, whilst revving Ruby up for the big old ‘hoo-haa..’ and not only did it end up being Arabian. But it ended up also sounding a bit like trancey druggie music. I looked at it with a dolly *shocked* face saying ‘This isn’t I’m a little teapot??? This is some glowstick Arabian crap????’ I wanted to introduce the fruit of my loins to the whole ‘here’s  my handle, here’s my spout’ madness. I was groomed and ready for it. Even adjusted my boobs and everything and hairtossed. What i didn’t expect was heebie jeebie, cracked out ‘humming’ to pictures of newspaper covered, druggie teapots.

Anyway, great day today. I’m exhausted and needing lots more rest. I know I am because when my pretty head hit themy pillow last night, I had never felt so good. I even wriggled around with Ultimate ‘oohness.’ It felt AMAZING. When that happens, you’re either a total sad case, or you’re knackered. I’m both…but hot. 🙂 *Flings tiara on bed* Work takes it out of me more than anyone thinks! You’ll never know it, because it’s clever disguised by a  flawlessly strong, happy lot of fake tan, boobies and laughter. I need a week of sleep before I can move forward. If I don’t get it, everything i do will be half rate, and not really dipped in the full 100% WUNNA GLORY. *Pulls up stocking-winks.* I love work for wearing my outfits and socializing, like any Glamour puss would. The ‘work’ part sucks and because it’s just not my forte. Lol. I was made for winking and working ‘it.’ The book writing and showbizzy work I really love and because of the adoration that follows it. (Yes, i am that tragical. But i really do honestly love it!)

I’ve actually got my new glasses on right now and it’s hilarious because I look like a slutty secretary, but I can’t see for shit. LOL. Everythings on a slant, so i’m having to pull random opened mouthed faces and tilt in order to type. (I need wine.)

My mums currently here to paly with Baby Ruby and give me a moment to blog. It’s that hectic and especially with me having to juggle my day job, with my book and my showbizzy bundle of ‘this year’ work. It’s like walking an emotional tightrope…with a wiggle, boobies and a wink. (Oh and thankyou to all of you who have been sending me messages of fabulousity.)

Pete aka Loverboy is doing fine. All is well. I need my beauty sleep and well dollies… along with being a mum…I’m actually bizarrely going to ‘make it!’ Woohoo!

Can’t think of what else I wanted to tell you, other than getting a visit from Loreto and Lucy today (who are Petes friends who i adore) and the term ‘Four puffs and a piano’ being mentioned, due to Loreto once going to the Doctor and apparently having a ‘finger’ being wedged in his mighty bum bum. That weirdly didn’t worry him and what did was the fact that when he looked back, the Doctor had BOTH hands on his shoulders? 🙂

Okay apart from all that. YOUTUBE emailed me today saying that my ‘Chrissie in Labour’ video had been getting soo many hits that they wondered if I wanted to sign up with them and make revenue (ie. dollar, dollar) from the video. How funny! I love it! Thankyou for the love..You’ve doing me proud. The great thing about the Chrissie Wunna ‘making her mark’ marlarky is the fact that we’ve all done it together. You’ve all travelled my journey and carried me along emotionally. I’ve met a lot of you, talked to most of you and championed through the good with the bad…and with you all by my side, all over the world. (Deffo need wine now.)

I’ve really really  got to go now because I seriously can’t tilt and type anymore. I’m keeping it fierce for you girls and boys i’ll always keep it sexy! *Wink-wiggle-pout-OUT!*