So there’s me! Exhausted from the longest work day ever, walking up Camden road, in my new flat shoes that i bought for a fiver, simply out of ‘ouchy’ feet! It’s boiling hot, i’m achey, i’m knackered so i stop, look and see that right infront of me is a chinese massage and reflexology parlour. I take it as a sign from God and after 4.3 minutes of thinking, venture in. (God…you’re a bitch and thinking…is finally NOT over-rated!) UGH!
So most people like to treat themselves with fast cars, hot sex, new clothes, chocolate muffins. Infact, i normally enjoy to treat others with free drinks and dinner and my company of ‘ooh laaa laaaaa.’ Yet when it comes to treating myself, i’m obviously a retard! Anyway, yeah i’m a sucker for punishment! Never in my life have I felt like i’ve needed a massage more and never in my life have i put myself in such a dnagerously HORRIFIC temple of PAIN in my LIFE!! Point blank, oriental women are visicous. If you see one, just kick it. It’ll be worth it, i swear! OMG! Under no circumstances be fooled by their fragile, smile exterior…when angry or passionate they are evil. Back away from the slanted eyed bitch with ‘healing hands.’
Walked in, all exhausted, yet smiley. I’m polite, i try to be entertaining even when i’m at my worst. She fools me with gentle speech and kindness. Tells me its only £25 for a half hour, back and neck massage and within minutes, i find myself naked, in nothing but frilly knickers, laid on a massage bed, (one which has the hole where you put your face in…) and completely at ease with the world, due to my moment of delight that i was about to treat myself with.
The most calming music was played, the room was hazy and quiet (even though i hate laying on my stomach, because of my fakies…i need special cut out holes for them) and then one i was reaching a soothing bliss of total enlightenment, the same sweet, 50 year old, tiny sized chinese women, now dressed in white tip toes in a BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME!
OMG, i have never been in so much pain in my life. I was literally screaming and having to laugh out LOUD due to the utter harshness of it all. There’s me, exhausted, calm and in nothing but frillies, happy and ready for my treat od relaxtion. I’m up the duff , i’m merry, the world is all a balanced and i’m getting beating the crap up, by a chinese lady, who’s mistaken bondage for massage therapy, to pan pipe music! PAN PIPE chinese fucking music dudes!! I could’ve died!
It was a never ending ooze of the worst pain i had even felt, getting harder and harder and faster and faster, and well..when she began karate chopping, i began SCREAMING and swearing and trying to tell her to stop. SWEARING means stop and not ‘shall i put pins in you!’ yes you heard…after beating me up, she then tried to insisit that i have pins pushed into ym back to clam me. FUCKING PINS!!! ARE YOU INSANE?
HER English was rubbish, so she didn’t understand a word i was saying. I was yelling ‘NO,’ and in her mind that means, ‘yes, you lovely oriental treat, give me acupunture.’ I mean, i don’t appreciate pins at the best of times, let alone when i’m naked by some voodoo, chinese, therapy bitch, who wants to stick them in ME! I kept trying to milk the ‘baby’ thing in order for her to shimmer down. (Hah, already a great parent! Using not yet born child for sympathy!) However, excuse my french, but that lady is a fucking NAZI! An animal.
After i said, that acupuncture was a ‘no go,’ she immediately hated me because she wasn’t going to get anymore money from my grubby mits. Luckily, in her backwards world, hating me meant STOPPING the massage! THANK THE FUCKING LORD! In two seconds she quit the pain, told me to put my clothes back on and marched out miserably, waiting to tug in some other poor stranger!
When i was done i pretty much threw the £25 at her, and she did that sweet, fragile smile again, like she was someones innocent grandmother. (An italian man was sat in the waiting room…i felt extremely bad for him, but figured it would be funny.) Unfortunately, i asked to use her toilet and with a happy ‘no problem, no problem,’ she walked me to the back of the parlour, yet almost out of fear suddenly stopped with her finger whispering ‘Moment! Moment!’
I didn’t know what was going on, but i waited, as she scurried into the room ahead of me, and yelled in chinese at another female worker that was with a client. After 5 minutes, she came out, and again with a smile, told me i could go into that room and pee. I did! It was dark, thepan pipes were playing. I couldn’t see the toilet door, but did see a pulled red curtain. Like a bull, i went straight for it. Thrusted in open, i did, i did and OMG, never in my LIFE have i ever seen such a show.
Now i’m not gonna say much ans simply because i don’t need to. Yet, i WILL tell you that i saw the bare bum of a naked man, and a slutty girl in red, doing things that any decent Glamour Puss wouldn’t really file under ‘legal.’ There was screaming. I apologised, did a pee, in the toilet that i eventually found, and ran out of that place as fast as i could. To be honest, for £25…i kinda wish i went into the red curtained room. He certainly wasn’t in much pain at all. It’s weird because this place looked like a reputable clinic…like one of those with herbal remedies and everything. I’m confused and yeah…never returning again! Lol.
Loverboy is ‘home hunting’ for us today in Leeds! He’s taken his Mum with him for help. I’m really excited and can’t wait to get back home to him. We’re madly in lurvage and well i feel so entirely luckily to actually be blessed with such a decent man…like in fairytales. 🙂 We ARE each others perfect other half and i feel sooooo sooo happy! (He watched my train leave Pontefract, to London, and jogged with it, as it edged me away, whilst blowing kisses and mouthing the words ‘I love you.’) I’m in heaven when i’m with him. Ah, it feels good!