Me no Likey! Fifty Dorrar!

So there’s me! Exhausted from the longest work day ever, walking up Camden road, in my new flat shoes that i bought for a fiver, simply out of ‘ouchy’ feet! It’s boiling hot, i’m achey, i’m knackered so i stop, look and see that right infront of me is a chinese massage and reflexology parlour. I take it as a sign from God and after 4.3 minutes of thinking, venture in. (God…you’re a bitch and thinking…is finally NOT over-rated!) UGH!

So most people like to treat themselves with fast cars, hot sex, new clothes, chocolate muffins. Infact, i normally enjoy to treat others with free drinks and dinner and my company of ‘ooh laaa laaaaa.’ Yet when it comes to treating myself, i’m obviously a retard! (Yesterday Wazza told me i was an ‘everything spastic.’ He’s my online manager…and there you have it…i’m deliciously well respected by him! lol.)

Anyway, yeah i’m a sucker for punishment! Never in my life have I felt like i’ve needed a massage more and never in my life have i put myself in such a dnagerously HORRIFIC temple of PAIN in my LIFE!! Point blank, oriental women are visicous. If you see one, just kick it. It’ll be worth it, i swear! OMG! Under no circumstances be fooled by their fragile, smile exterior…when angry or passionate they are evil. Back away from the slanted eyed bitch with ‘healing hands.’

Walked in, all exhausted, yet smiley. I’m polite, i try to be entertaining even when i’m at my worst. She fools me with gentle speech and kindness. Tells me its only £25 for a half hour, back and neck massage and within minutes, i find myself naked, in nothing but frilly knickers, laid on a massage bed, (one which has the hole where you put your face in…) and completely at ease with the world, due to my moment of delight that i was about to treat myself with.

The most calming music was played, the room was hazy and quiet (even though i hate laying on my stomach, because of my fakies…i need special cut out holes for them) and then one i was reaching a soothing bliss of total enlightenment, the same sweet, 50 year old, tiny sized chinese women, now dressed in white tip toes in a BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME!

OMG, i have never been in so much pain in my life. I was literally screaming and having to laugh out LOUD due to the utter harshness of it all. There’s me, exhausted, calm and in nothing but frillies, happy and ready for my treat od relaxtion. I’m up the duff , i’m merry, the world is all a balanced and i’m getting beating the crap up, by a chinese lady, who’s mistaken bondage for massage therapy, to pan pipe music! PAN PIPE chinese fucking music dudes!! I could’ve died!

It was a never ending ooze of the worst pain i had even felt, getting harder and harder and faster and faster, and well..when she began karate chopping, i began SCREAMING and swearing and trying to tell her to stop. SWEARING means stop and not ‘shall i put pins in you!’ yes you heard…after beating me up, she then tried to insisit that i have pins pushed into ym back to clam me. FUCKING PINS!!! ARE YOU INSANE?

HER English was rubbish, so she didn’t understand a word i was saying. I was yelling ‘NO,’ and in her mind that means, ‘yes, you lovely oriental treat, give me acupunture.’ I mean, i don’t appreciate pins at the best of times, let alone when i’m naked by some voodoo, chinese, therapy bitch, who wants to stick them in ME! I kept trying to milk the ‘baby’ thing in order for her to shimmer down. (Hah, already a great parent! Using not yet born child for sympathy!) However, excuse my french, but that lady is a fucking NAZI! An animal.

After i said, that acupuncture was a ‘no go,’ she immediately hated me because she wasn’t going to get anymore money from my grubby mits. Luckily, in her backwards world, hating me meant STOPPING the massage! THANK THE FUCKING LORD! In two seconds she quit the pain, told me to put my clothes back on and marched out miserably, waiting to tug in some other poor stranger!

When i was done i pretty much threw the £25 at her, and she did that sweet, fragile smile again, like she was someones innocent grandmother. (An italian man was sat in the waiting room…i felt extremely bad for him, but figured it would be funny.) Unfortunately, i asked to use her toilet and with a happy ‘no problem, no problem,’ she walked me to the back of the parlour, yet almost out of fear suddenly stopped with her finger whispering ‘Moment! Moment!’

I didn’t know what was going on, but i waited, as she scurried into the room ahead of me, and yelled in chinese at another female worker that was with a client. After 5 minutes, she came out, and again with a smile, told me i could go into that room and pee. I did! It was dark, thepan pipes were playing. I couldn’t see the toilet door, but did see a pulled red curtain. Like a bull, i went straight for it. Thrusted in open, i did, i did and OMG, never in my LIFE have i ever seen such a show.

Now i’m not gonna say much ans simply because i don’t need to. Yet, i WILL tell you that i saw the bare bum of a naked man, and a slutty girl in red, doing things that any decent Glamour Puss wouldn’t really file under ‘legal.’ There was screaming. I apologised, did a pee, in the toilet that i eventually found, and ran out of that place as fast as i could. To be honest, for £25…i kinda wish i went into the red curtained room. He certainly wasn’t in much pain at all. It’s weird because this place looked like a reputable clinic…like one of those with herbal remedies and everything. I’m confused and yeah…never returning again! Lol.

Loverboy is ‘home hunting’ for us today in Leeds! He’s taken his Mum with him for help. I’m really excited and can’t wait to get back home to him. We’re madly in lurvage and well i feel so entirely luckily to actually be blessed with such a decent man…like in fairytales. 🙂 We ARE each others perfect other half and i feel sooooo sooo happy! (He watched my train leave Pontefract, to London, and jogged with it, as it edged me away, whilst blowing kisses and mouthing the words ‘I love you.’) I’m in heaven when i’m with him. Ah, it feels good!

 

Bananas, Sailors and Cucumbers

OMG! I am working harder then ever. Not only have I been up since 4am! (Have you? Have you?) Yet, i have also indulged myself into the most bizarrely hilarious day imaginable.

I laid in my London appartment this morning, as my pink Black berry musically alarmed my ‘wake up’ and demanded that i get my schedule of work a started! Whilst you were fast asleep, dreaming of hunks in trunks and fairytales coming true (…and they do,) I was being tugged, eyelashed, smeared in tan, winked at, draped in diamonds, heeled and squeezed into a little zebra number, in the form of lingerie.

A car and driver picked me up from outside my appartment and off I went, all a stocking’d (wink-pout) to the studios, were I was greeted by a happy ‘Adrian’ and a beautiful girl named ‘Tiffany.’ We had coffee, then bitched about men who attempt to steal our money, and just like that, i found myself, groomed, pouting and laid merrily on a boudior bed, covered in red, and with tiny spotlights around it. (Oooh the Glamour! Shame i felt only half awake really!) I notcied that my ‘pad’/bed…whatever you want to call it, was covered in blond hairs. Now in make believe, ‘on the telly’ world, that’s okay. However, in  real life world….yeah that’s enough to get any man into shit loads of trouble.

Bottom line, i posed, i pouted, i had my nipples taped down, then after discussing ‘life’ with a bunch of deliciously voiced gentlemen, the clock struck 10am, i closed the show, leapt off my boudior pad of red red and tottered in my undies….( i do it like i’m clockwork) to a mirroe white dressing room, where i immediately jumped out of my kitty cat clothing of seduction and into a more conservative ‘about to get interviewed’ dress.

I had to be at Mind Studios in Bow (East London) by 11.30-12 noon pm. It was 10am and i was in Camden. I draped myself in appropriate pearls and bits od diamante’, heeled up, hair tossed, bundled all my stuff together, shoved it into a bag, told Adrian that i’m not so keen on horror movies (…and i’m not, i hate them, i don’t find pleasure out of being terrified,) then like the wind, i raced (slowly tottered) to Camden tube station, looking rather delicious even if i do say so myself, and jumped on the Northern line, that was (oh what a surprise) littered with perv a plenty! I didn’t actually mind though. I was far too busy. My mind was else where. I felt exhausted, starving , mildy ill, rushed and exhausted. Lol. (For someone that’s meant to be ‘taking it easy’ i’ve sure as hell been fooled into a ginormous work load.)

After a bundle (two…i don’t kno wwhy i’m exaggerating everything this morning,) i finally found myself in Bow, on Bow Road. I attempted to get a taxi to my destination, however once I sat in it, (with a knitted top that i had decide to wear over my dress to hide my boobies) the driver told me it was actually just around the corner. I hate being a twat! So i apologized and then with three mildly heavy bags, totter-heafted my way around the corner and down Fairfield Road, to Mind Studios, where i was lovingly sexually harassed by pretty much every gentleman, and then a guy who owned a studio wanted to ‘make me a star.’

Infact, i forgot to tell you yesterday, that when i arrived at Kings Cross, and jumped into my taxi to my London appartement…my taxi driver did the ‘you’re gorgeous’ thing all the way, took two pcitures of me on his camera phone, tried to make me do sultry faces…(as if…you PAY for my faces..lol) and THEN the cheeky bastard decided that he wouldn’t let me out of the cab, (like central locked it on Brecknock road) until i lifted my shirt up for him! WTF!! Afer 15 minutes of him pestering me…i still didn’t bother, and he eventually let mE out, after i diva kicked off at him. This is my life! I’m used to such Tom Foolery! Yeah, i laughed at first, but really any girl that isn’t used to such behaviour by men, would’ve been terrified. Men need to learn respect, like AS IF, you have the right to ask a girl in the back of your cab to lift up her top for you and show you her tits, because your wife doesn’t give you head. OMG! Men are gross! They never learn. Girls, women and kittens, don’t let them get away with being pricks! Even though i’m labelled ‘everyone’s favourite floozey’ and I have a decent sense of humour…know that I NEVER let boys…treat me in that manner and neither should you!

Now, where was i? Oh yeah, So at 1.30am, i got to the studio in Bow, called George who was meant to meet me, but couldn’t. I found the place myself, after purchasing a Lucozade to keep my engine a going, and trotted up the stairs to set. (I actually removed my knitted vest thing, at the bottom of the stairs, to reveal my sexual much dress. I don’t know why i actually bothered wearing it? It made no difference. It just made me look like a sophisticated girl…with big boobs! )

My next job of the day, was filming for Channel 5. You know how they do those documentaries on all sorts of subjects and people (open, mouthy people…who are often celebes, or normal funny kittens of deliciousness) discuss the subject in a humourous fashion…well i did that today! I actually accidentally walked in on someone fliming, saw a guy with a giant afro, who i remembered from somewhere, and then was escorted to a fushia coloured mirrored dressing room, where i re-applied and ate galaxy truffles, from a ‘celebrations’ box, until they called me to set! I was knackered, but didn’t tell anyone. No-one knew i had bene up since 4am, and i didn’t want them to! I was as fresh, as fresh could be, and was prepared to do my job marvellously. (When you’re knackered and you have more work to tend to, the best thing is to KEEP moving. DO NOT under any circumstances stop and rest. You will never recover.) I remember actually sitting on a high stool, all alone for a moment, in my dress surrounded by fushia and looking at my stomach, whilst rubbing it,  in my mirror reflection. Is it getting any bigger? I can’t tell?

The door busted open, the producer introduced herself to me, (Lovely she was) i was walked out onto set..after all the lights and cameras had been set up, and then i stopped looked at the ‘Afro guy’ that i remember noticing on entry, and said, ‘How do i know you? I KNOW i’ve seen you before??’

His reply: ‘Big house, in Hamstead, 12 other people, trapped, filming….pink, Paris Hilton.’  I suddently felt comforted! I smiled and with an ‘oh yeah’ laughed off my past! He worked the production on that show and it all came flooding back! I love meeting people i’ve worked with, Entertainment is a small small world. You bump into the same people over and over again! Everyone knows something about everyone. I throughly enjoyed re-meeting him.

I sat down on my chaise long, in the most perfect lighting imaginable. Then the prodcuer began asking me a series of questions and on the topic of sex! Samuel actually did one of these a while back, but on the topic of ‘celebrities.’ We discussed Sammie and how much i adore him. (Hmm…i wonder how he enjoyed Glastonbury?)

Now, i can’t tell you anything about it, or too much of what happened, or infact what i said. Yet i will tell you that it will be on Channel 5 in a week or so, and not only have i opened up about my sexy secrets, but i also did rude things to a cucumber with my mouth, and assured the entire production team that condoms that are BANANA Flavoured,under the false pretences that they are LEMON…are a no go! Under no cirumstances ever, safe sex or not, should a banana flavoured condom ever be in your mouth…when you think it’s lemon. I and one in my mouth this morning for the show…and yeah, not my favourite thing ever. My lips still taste of rubber and artifical banana flavour. My itnerview will be one of those things that i will blank out in the future. Lol. I can’t believe how honest i was!?! I need to stop! Something happens when a camera is put infront of me and i become this open, truth telling ditz! I don’t know whether it’s down to showing off, or the fact that i want people to learn about Me, or simply to *shock.* However, when a camera is put upon my being…i become alive. I’m quite good at it. If reality tv was a talent…it’d totally be mine! I’m a natural entertainer! (Something in this cyber cafe stinks and i hope it’s not me! I have my dirty knickers stuffed into my bag, because i didn’t know where to put them?)

Other than all that jiggery pokery…i then watched 1940’s sailors play with their willies, and have them injected, due to the fact that they were convered in std warts! Delicious! The producer wanted to see my reaction, so she played me a DVD. I bizarrely (but don’t tell anyone) found it mildly arousing. It was rotten sailor porn. I mean warts or notm they had willies and were playing with them. Don’t worry..i did do *shocked faces* as it did get a bit grim in the end. However, job well done. Infact, i did so well, the producer requested that i come back and do more of the series, but on all different topics!

When all was done, i signed my relaese form, put my knitted vest thing back on, whilst explaining to them why i had to do that. (It’s all about perv dodging!) Then mildly relieved, and still rather exhausted, i made my way back home to my appartment, where i not only got glared at by ‘handsomes,’ (It’s the heat, it makes them horny,) but i also bought myself a pair of FLAT shoes ( i know, KILL me..but my feet were killing me) and then treated myself to an ‘out of the blue’ massage! Never again! 🙂 I’ve just noticed that due to my work load, i haven’t eaten or slept properly ALL day! Not good!

I’m Super dooper busy MUCH

Woke up this morning to the 21st birthday of my little baby brother…Jeremy. In my eyes he’ll always be 4. It’s amazing how time actually does fly. I care about my baby brother probably more than I care about myself…which really is a concept that i’m not too familiar with, therefore it was lovely today, that at 7.15am, every single Wunna ran into my Mums room, in our pyjamas, snuggled in her bed and watched my baby brother open his birthday presents! It’s a tradition we keep in the Wunna family. No matter how old, or young you are, you will always be a child, and be gifted with tremendous birthday delights, cuddles and kisses, on the bed of the pack leader…My Mother!

I am inudated rigth now with work, to the point where I haven’t really had time to sit down and blog. I’m even doing this right now, in a spare ten minutes that i don’t really have spare. I’m travelling, i’m working, i’me xhausted, but i’m loving it. I’m really getting my act together, which i’m finding easy now i’ve turned T-Total for a wee while. (yep, not one drop of booze, to calm my flustered mind!) I feel amazing and as a result, my work life is flourishing! I’ve been scheduled a string of early mornings, and late nights, followed with a bundle of love. I don’t think i’ve ever felt happier! I’m on top of the world and proving that you really won’t get anything in life, unless you work hard for it. The more you work, the more chances you take…the faster you will march forward. It’s a discipline, that takes a bit of time to master, but once you have it…you can conquer the world…in heels!

Okay, Saturday, i woke up at 4am, got picked up my a driver in a Mercedes with a rather brilliant sense of humour for that time of the day. Chipper he was..and yes, he wasn’t even on pills! He was posh, delightful, and beamed a smile as though he was the Laughing Buddha of Greatness!

I got to work, quickly groomed. I actually was feeling queezey..r.eally sick. However, i’m not a moaner, i’m a ‘get the job done’ kinda girl, so i winked and pouted, then walked myself onto set, in my frilly knickers and lingerie teddy suit, only to find to young girls, one asian and one tattoeed fake humping on my white boudior pad! Bizarre moment…yet oddly hilarious! I find myself getting more and more shy, the older I get. However, i’m being told, that the more i’m away from pretentious locations, the more I returning to my old, cute, natural self. (Before i became damaged by lady ‘lime-light.’)

I introduced my show, pretended that there wasn’t pretend lesbians next to me ans well did the best I had ever done at work really, for a kitty cat at 5am! As soon as i was done, tottered to the dressing room, quickly got changed, raced out through Camden, leaped on a tube and finally got to Kings Cross in time to jump on an immediate train and venture back to Doncaster!

I open mouthed slept on the train, next to a granny in Bon Marche pink and flowers, with an under bite, and a hair cut like ‘Shaggy’ from Scooby Doo.’ Lovely she was and playing ‘snakes and ladders’ with her boyfriend…who was 65. (Awww.) Whenever my phone *beeped* she always thought it was hers and would try and answer it! Then she’d get pissed off because the person on the other line (who was on MY phone) wasn’t leaving a message. Lol. (I can’t wait til i’m old!)

Got to Doncaster, gave up my seat to a pregnant lady (which you will find ironic shortly…yet not quite yet. lol) I leaped off the train, even though exhausted, found my Mother and we shopped like no other! I was so tired, i couldn’t even WALK.

I got home, got changed, met up with Loverboy (who I ADORE…we are MADLY in LOVE,) and then spent the night cuddling him until midnight. He made me water cress soup and and sat and ate it with his wonderful family, in neon. (:) ) I’ll never learn! I had to go home, because in the morning i was to venture to Leeds, to do an audition dressed like  DOLLY. I pretty much made a decent fool out of myself. I was dressed like a frilly 5 year old, meets Paris Hilton and dancing around doing my *shocked* faces. HAHAHA! Oh Lord. I mimed, i did a photshoot, i ate milk tray and felt weirdly nervous. (It’s important that you still keep auditioning, even if you’ve stepped a little further up the work ladder than most! It keeps you fresh, as audition technique is a whole different thing! The more you do it, the better you get at it. I watched all the girls get very terrified. One even did a runner and another had her Mother with her (who was mouthing the words to her song and doing her dance routine with her.) 🙂

Then they made me take pictures in pastel t-shirts that had dogs on. Funny…cute and odd. But i loved it. (I’ll go into all this later, as i need to rush off. I’m back in London this evening for the rest of the week for work. I have to film in the moring and then do this Channel 5 thing in the afternoon. Long day…Godda go!)

UGH!!! I really wish i had more time! I have so much to tell you. FYI’ LOVERBOY is amazing! We’re house hunting. Woohoo! He looked at me last night, with eyes that suggested that i was all he ever wished for in life. It made me feel amazing. I’m in love!

What a way to find it….

Gorgeous morning! I’m  feeling on top of this magical world, filled to the brim with a juicy joy and loved like any pussy cat of ‘party’ should be! Hurrah!! (I can’t even see under my eyelashes. lol)

Now, today my pretty winks of an eye, isn’t just any day. TODAY is THE DAY, i tottered into my kitchen, made a delicious cuppa cuppa tea, hair-tossed like no other, whilst surrounded by pine, window sunlight and spice jars, felt an *itch* in my bra, reached in and FOUND £150!!! I found a random £150 IN MY BRA and i’m not even a prostitute! Woohoo!! (My nickname in Hollywood, with my Gay friends was ‘Hooker’ though. 🙂 )

I’m so happy about this whole ‘finding money in my undergarments’ marlarky. I mean usually people have to search the sticky floors of any trendy London nightclub,or sit in soiled subways with a *frown* and a ‘B’ for begging bowl. Others will kick the life out of a vending machine in order to *slap out* a few clunky dimes, and the good decent few munchkins of the world will actually commit to this liitle thing called ‘work’ for moola. I know!! Who’d-a-thought?However, ME…Chrissie Wunna…Glamour Puss Extra-ordinaire…I have itches, tiny ones, then whilst rummaging around my left bosom, I FIND MONEY!! A whole £150 of it! I don’t even know how it got there? But finders keepers, losers…well ‘losers’ i’ve probably dated you all! I’m dead good at finding money. I’m feeling lucky. This isn’t the first time. I mean i honestly found approximatey £400, that belonged to Mark Byron in my vagina..and you think criminals have ‘fishy green.’ Woohoo!’

Before the money finding moment, i had been dancing around the kitchen poorly, (even though i do believe i’m amazing, when no-ones watching) to everyone’s favourite happy songs, by the ever lip syncing

Sluts or Thieves?

‘Chrissie, I love how you can be friends with a total and complete slag, who cheated on someone with 20 different people, yet the thought of being friends with a poor person, repulses you…‘ said the dearest ‘gay’ of Adam to the over eyelashed glamour puss. *Adjusts boobies.*

I will tell you that i do find the slagginess of a being, so yucky it’s hilarious. (I mean when people are slags..I was one in 2005…they are simply quenching their loneliness…and cock. 🙂 I was really lonely in Hollywood at that time. I’d just got a divorce, realized I was desired and HUMPED everything…and anything, that would stay with me the night. Having the otherside of my pillow filled, made me feel *whole*…like there was no divorce..even though I asked for one… and I well it would also fool me into believing that I wasn’t alone. Know that that technique of *slagging* it, does not work! What you don’t realize, is that at the same time that you are selfishly crawling ontop of delicious hotties out of loneliness, is that they might actually like you…a lot. You use their time and use their heart…and when you do that…KARMA is  BITCH! You will make up for ever ‘being’ you have hurt, one by one…and you will get hurt, until you’ve made even and stopped the foolishness! I learnt that the hard way and well only now, have I just made even with and with Loverboy!  )

But yeah, on the whole, I can find empathy deep down, somewhere in my crotch for a slut. I can! Yet the ‘poor people’ thing..that Gay Adam was referring to, is mildy true. I don’t hate ‘poor people’ before you all start! (Lol.) But i’m certainly not a fan of people who still money out of tills at ‘Legally Blond’ performances over and over again, whilst they’re meant to be at work. I think it’s naughty. Really really naughty! Now, i’m a minx, in a fun, playful, drunken naughty way. Yet i would NEVER do that!!! I find it really ghetto/chav much to plunge your hand into a till, when someone has trusted you to work for them honestly! Eww!  I’m big on hating people who steal and because i’ve had people steal from me a lot, emotionally and financially. It does humour me and i understand that greed and desperation can get the better of you…but not at Legally blond much!! Have some respect for the art of ‘Bimbo!’ What kind of gay is he!?!

Anyway other than that, Gay Adam filled me in on the drama of his. We didn’t talk for 6 months. My fault. I cut everyone out that i should’ve loved and well chose extremely poor..when it came to the person that I did keep in my London life. I chose Jonny…who is the biggest user, i could’ve ever met. But at least he admits it. When he’s older and hopefully richer..he’ll be a bit more of a decent person. Yet he will learn the hard way and he knows it. I’m glad that i’m nothing like him.

Luckily, good friends will always be there and all it takes is a phone call to get you back where you left off. I was pretty angry earlier on (hurrah) and shouting at a boy who a boy who tells me he loves with me. I’m an idiot. I need to not do that, but my emotions are running wild! I love Pete deeply…but i can sometimes take things too far. He is the man of my dreams and well Wazza told me to be nicer to him, because i’m apparently really good at ruining all my decent relationships.  I’m ace at the shit ones. I love Wazza, but properly. He’s the only boy who truely knows me and my oldest friend in the world ever. In school and everything together. That’s forever!

Right now, Wazza is being perfect, and being a pillar of hilarious support. He’ s usually a bit more evil to me….however currently and due to my *thing-a-ling* he’s having to be nice to me, and ALL of the time. WOOHOO! IN YOUR FACE! Don’t worry i WILL use it to my advantage. It’s kinda making me feel quite powerful! Yet bottom line, all joking aside, he’s one of the best friends any person could ever have…even though he likes to date fatties and can be a bit racist when drunk. 🙂 

I had another cry today. It truely is getting hilarious. My hormones are delicious. I’m watching tampax commercials and crying because nobody loves me. (Haha.) I’m being mean to Loverboy, because i want attention and no-ones giving me enough. (Yippeee!) I’m gleefully happy one moment eating a mango in the kitchen, then bursting into tears simply because my body was telling me to! It’s fun being a nut job. I think deep down and due to the *thing-a-ling* i’m overly hormonal and just plain scared. I am NEVER scared, therefore this is a new emotion!! I mean, my *thing-a-ling* is something that at this early stage, I do not want to fuck up and i’m so terrified that I might! I mean, i wont. But even the thought of the ‘might’ terrifies me enough. It’s hard being responsible for something that not only belongs to you, but also someone else. I’m a party girl. I’m only used to being responsible for myself. But i’m fine. I just need to quite the random crying over fresh fruit. HAHAHA. Oh Lord help me! You can only laugh at it all!

Other than all that, i was informed that I was going to mailed hundreds (about 4) pairs of shoes, simply to wear and because na company adores me. Not bad for a days work. I love killer heels, they are my LIFE! The onyl time I will place the words ‘Killer’ and ‘Life’ in the same sentence! They’ve also decided to pay me, to model the footwear…which luckily, i think i can do! Woohoo! Then i found a little black thing crawling up my leg towards my vagina. I thought it was a fly of some sort an began screaming MADLY, like i was about to get raped by a disabled goat! (Bizarre use of imagination!) Anyway, it ended up just being a mole (as in a beauty spot..not a furry blind critter..are moles blind?) It wasn’t even moving…i had imagined it actually crawling and i wasn’t even on drugs! I think that if i was on drugs, I would’ve actually realized it was a mole. This being sober thing, is fucking my head up. My insides are all *rehab* right now, but screaming for a ‘party party.’ I want to be naughty and drink 72 cocktails, whilst shimmi-ing on bar tops in nipple tassles to latin beats! This no booze thing is killing me and probably more than if i was to actually DIE from alcohol poisoning.

I’m happy, fun, having to miss the Alea fashion show tonight at Clarence Dock in Leeds. I travel to London tomorrow and have a weekend of pure non-stop work. I’m a busy, busy bee…but it’s just the way I like it. You don’t get anywhere, if you don’t work for that dime! I’ve played a LOT…now lets get back to business. I’m an entertainer and proud! *Puts on her tie- tightens her cuff links.*

Gay Adam told me he was walking in the London Gay Pride this year, which i completely adore. I mean, it’ll be a long *strut* in heels, but fuck it…be gay and proud!  I did question the *walking* part though? I mean why just walk, when surely a skip and a shimmie is what the Gay God ordered. He claims that he is wanting to throw things out to the people in the crowds….yet feels that stones would not be appropriate. 🙂 I think he’s gonna go with confetti or vodka minatures? I told him to go with condoms and pills. I really enjoyed talking to him today. It made me remember our good times togther. I was in stitches, laying on my bed, on my Black berry. He really knew how to perk a Glamour Puss up. I felt back to normal again…and well dollies this bitch is a smiling! WOOHOO!

  

 

I LOVE ME!!!!

Woke up feeling like the most delicious piece of Kitty cat, this world has ever seen. Then i rolled over, sun beaming in, white sheets bustled around my body, I was thinking about a boy I used to date in LA called Ryan and then I got stabbed by my long pointy crystalized accessory, in the form of a diamante ‘hang around your neck’ lipstick, that must have leapt off my neck in the middle of the night and tried to creep away from me. I’ve noticed that things do try to creep away from me…(no they don’t, i’m lying to make you feel better,) but even if they did, there would be no point. I mean like herpes…i’m EVERYWHERE! I’m the worst person to try and avoid. You’ll walk into a bar and i’ll be propping it up, with a smile. You’ll trot into a bookstore and ‘oh look,’ who’s there chatting up the vunerable ‘Handsome’ by the

What a Wunnaful thing…

Some people cheat on others in the purest of luxury making each sinful moment a moment of forbidden bliss. Others (and like my dear friend Gay Adam informed me) cheat on people in dirty Soho toilets…the kind that have urine smeared all over the seat, toilet roll trodden into the floor, the phone numbers of escorts on the wall, and let over souls, of those with broken hearts. (Oh and maybe a few pills, that they forgot to scrape up.) I’m not keen of venues of that sort. If i was a cheater, i’d definitely go with luxury! *Drapes herself in diamonds-beckons the hottie toward her.*

Now, Gay Adam didn’t do the cheating, he is merely the messenger of a story that ended in break up. (Aww.) I hardly ever get to be the messenger, and simply because occasional messages are about my sorry (yet particularly glamourous) arse. But anyway, the gentleman that did the soho toilet cheating pokery (hilarious) is a boy of such a ‘baby face’ manner. A ‘being’ that you just would never expect to commit such a delicious forbidden act of *yucky.* It reminds me to becareful about who you trust! Not really in a bad insecure way, but more in an ‘i can’t be arsed with waiting outside a random toilet, whilst a bit of rent boy occurs,’ sort of manner. I’d laugh so hard, i’d die and well i’m not dying in Soho, by a pot where people urinate! Give me GLAMOUR!

I had a wonderful lunch today, by a manufactured ski slope. Loverboy was delicious and we shared kisses and cuddles, over Mediterraen chicken salad, and beef sarnies. I’m currently NOT drinking AT ALL. (Which i’m finding really difficult. UGH!) I didn’t realize how reliant i was on a bit of the boozey until now. But whocares, i’m doing it and i’m actually quite decent at it…for a potential drunkard. I do have an incentive…however, i believe this not drinking marlarky will just make me naughtier. I’ll act out, due to frustration…or for the simply reason of making up for all the lost jiggery.

Gorgeous day today! When Pete picked me up, i was mildy annoyed…but the kind when you’re not really, but trying to drag something out to prove a jolly old point. I’d been calling him non-stop for ages. (Bunny boilers rock! *Redial-Redial-Redial*) and well i got fed up of him not being able to pick up the phone. (But because i really don’t enjoy NOT getting my own way.) When he finally did, i got grumbly. But my *grumbly* never phases him. He’s like an emotional He-man, but with better hair and a bit black and he went out of his way ot make me smile.

Our convos were hilarious. We’d be merrily driving around Pontefract, in the sun to love songs, and he’d point out the most random things, simply to strike up a bit of *happy talky talk.*  (‘Oh Chrissie, can you see what’s on the field?’ I replied with a ‘What grass??’ Then i’d roll my eyes, and do a hair toss, as i turned my head away from him.’)

You’d think i’d be dead good at this ‘bitchy’ marlarky..but i’m a fool if there ever was one. I took one sneaky look at him throught he corner of my eye. I’m like a ninja, but a pervy one. I saw how absolutely drippingly GORGEOUS he looked. (He was all casual trendy with his new flat cap on.) I once again tried to find it in me to be evil…but his deliciousness got the better of me, and with a smile i forgave him. I was grumbly for about 4 minutes. Then we kissed..almost like *magic.* (I was totally in fushia, yellow and dalmation again today! It was friily skirt and boobie heaven galoreness!) Lunch was divine, except four people of the *special* sort sat next to us, and decided to smell like B.O, in the ski slope bar! I do like *special* people because they remind me of fairytale characters. These ones in particular kind of resembled red neck American hillbillies, with one tooth and partial hair. I think they were in tracksuits and wife beaters. They just looked really happy and i LOVED that. However, they smelt like pigs and that’s a ‘no go’ for any ‘being’ in Wunna land.  I don’t know? I just can’t handle b.o when i’m sober. It was hard enough trying to get my head around the ski slope thing?  Why bother? Go be in the SUN!! (However, it is fun to watch! It’s like watching your life *slope* before you…tumble after tumble.)  Oh and the fact that Loverboy tried to STEAL one of the *special* boys pints…means i have a decent man. He must have thought he was invisible because he had a hat on. (Aww Himbos rock.)

Got dropped off, watched the World Cup game, (Woohoo England) with my daddy. I completely LOVED it and I ran around screaming, shouting and pretending i was a brass band. Don’t ask? I get utterly excited and leap through the air, forgetting that there’s no soft landing. #storyof mylife. Those Slovenian footie players aren’t half tall. I’d come up to their belly buttons, and in my best heels!! But saying that belly button height can be quite handy when you want a free dinner. Our England boys did well!!! Made me proud to be a Brit today! I know, i’m a girly girl, but i do enjoy football and it’s simply because i enjoy anything that brings people together. Football, drinking, music, fun, sex, love and winking are all things that are a universal language. Something that everyone understands, where words need not be spoken. The action of the art takes the lead! It’s magical. It Wunnaful and it’s just the way i like it

Infact, Wazza pointed out that it’s the first World cup match that i’ve ever enjoyed sober. The last one, i was winking at hotties in LA in booty shorts (can believe the Americans did better than us!) Then the previous one, i believe i was losing my virginity outside a shit pub to a boy peopel used to call ‘The lizard king.’  I’ve changed so much…and i think it’s because i’m old.

On the whole life is brilliant. I’m really excited and keep forgetting about my ‘thing-a ling.’ Loverboy, looked at me today with eyes that told me i was the complete and utetr love of his life. No words were even needed. We both believe our whole lives were set up, just so we could meet each other and now we have each other, the other aspects of our lives…like work…can prosper. I’m the kinda girl that needs both. When i’m in love (and not just with anyone) i feel alive..and like I am invincible. That *invincible* feeling comes in handy when you have a career in showbusiness. *wiggle-giggle*

Something incredibly special has happened to me… (and not *special* like those buck toothed b.o. smelling ski slope boys.. ) I’m filled with such deep emotion that i can’t even find the words to explain how i feel? I’m currebtly having to keep it secret from cyberland and i find holding things in (apart from *willy* difficult.

I can’t believe a gaggle of teenage boys were scuffling behind me today and taking ‘up the skirt‘ pictures of me whilst i was walking aimlessly through ‘Xscape.’ The bad thing is…i had previously been to the loo and had my yellow frilly skirt tucked up into my knickers. The good thing is..they have a great sexual future ahead of them.

I’m in love, i’m living, i’m working and i’m changing. I really love the life that i have and i encourage you to love yours too! Living is an amazing thing…and you really don’t have to look too far to realize how great you have it. Now, i’m older, i’ve learnt to not take things for granted and to love and cherish any being, thing or moment i am blessed with. I swear down your gonna be okay…hold your head up high and muscle your way through. It’s the way i’ve played with life…and yeah i might have got a few bruises, red wine stains and ‘love hurts’ tags…but Dollies it works! Go forth and DO life YOUR way!

Anything can happpen…and at ANY time! 😉 I’m living slaggy proof!

 

Buddha, Cocktail Umbrellas & Sneezes

I’m currently sat in an incense misted room of fog, eating a potatoe cake and sipping a cuppa tea, whilst i write this blog from the home of another. To my left is 6 baby sized candles, in glass balls that beckon strangers seductively, 26 idols from exotic lands of hope, golden curved treaures, Burmese flags, a magical wooden box of mystery and an A5 sized framed picture of my ‘not alive anymore’ grandparents, who don’t look very happy to say that they’re now worshipped and placed in candlelight by idols! (Can you all send me pictures of your Chrissie Wunna shrines please. Thankyou.)

To my right is…9 multi-coloured cocktail umbrellas, that have been formed into a long pointy tree shape, taped up (oh noooo, i need a ‘stop cruelty to all cocktail umbrella’ campaign..the ‘SCACU‘-sounds like a jungle STD,) and well they’ve been wedged, into a long thin glass vase, that opens out at the bottom…like a ball. There’s a metal bell, with flowers on it…on no, it’s birds? A toilet roll, two screw drivers, a couple of angel chreubs made out of clay, (You know, the type you can buy from Argos for £5.99, or go the the pound shop and get for 50p each,) there’s fruit, an array of bouquets, the Laughing buddha, a homeless seashell, a money sorting machine, (Movie Star Mike once bought me one of those for Christmas..) a bunch of pansies and 4 plates of mangos…again surrounded in candles! I can’t decide whether i’m imagining this?

Now, i’m not sure if i’m supposed to be in here, but I’m Chrissie Wunna…I’m not banned from anywhere…but G.A.Y. 🙂 [Applaud here.] I felt like it would be an interesting place to blog. However now i’m pissed off because my hair smells like insence…a smell that does not comliment a Glamour Puss. I want to smell like delicious candy filled gummy pieces of ‘Mmmm…,’ not like i’ve been dragged through an Indian brothel, where an orgy MIGHT have taken placed by snake charmers! (Shit, i’ve lost my cuppa tea!)

Other than that, i woke up to my phone being thrust into my face ( i was in that lovely half/half stage of wake up, where you aren’t really sure who’s stood infront of you yet, let alone who might be laying to your left.) Apparently, it was time for me to pay my phone bill, which a job i always do by phone. I don’t really set up Direct Debits because I enjoy knowing where my money has gone. I find that even though Direct Debits are definitely easier…like most things in life…they’re not always better! (Boys, i might be easy, but i assure you…you won’t get charged per month!…If you’re hot. 🙂 )

Anyway, OMG, how hard is it to pay your phone bill now!!! I must have taken at least 14 automated service wrong turns. I started the journey somewhat merry and ended it with ANGER! Oh my WORD!! ‘Press 1, Press 2, Hang up…’) Kill me! I want people. Human beings that i can politely talk to and then yell at! After approximately 27 mintues of a robot telling me i was worthless, but he still wanted my money. I finally and rather aggressively pressed every button at once, whilst muttering swear words..( my muttering is very lous…kinda like shouting) and there you go…i finally got through to a human! Woohoo! It as a sign from God assuring me that violence is completely fine.

The Human at T-Mobile was moderately pleasant and then tried to tell me that my phone bill was £459. There was a *pause* and then a prepped silence ready for my big *yell.* (Hahah…Oh god i’m awful AND i was ironing a Tae Kwon Doe outift.) I’m not sure what happened, but i remember shouting ‘£459!! NO WAY! You’re ridiculous!!! That’s it!! I’m…‘ Then the poor chap stopped me nervously and said, ‘Sorry Miss Wunna, but I actually said £59…for £59.’ Oopsie! (The previous robot of automated had revved me up to this stage of merry insanity! That robot reminded me of Jonny…a complete wind-up merchant idiot.) I paid this months and my next bill a coming…and then we all held hands, and galloped through the fields of happiness. Why do they make it so hard for you to pay for bills, yet bug you like you’re going to get thrown into a pit of ugly horny perverts if you don’t! I never pay mine on time…and simply to piss them off. I do it with a smile on my face! I always know Ihave the money, so I make THEM sweat it out, and do some work. I make them annoy me, and get all heated. I let them talk to me irrationally and smother me with empty threats, then happily i’ll say, ‘Oh look..yeah, just take it from my card! No problem. Thankyou. Oh and NO, i don’t wanna set up a Direct Debit. Bye! 🙂 ‘

Last night, I went to Aagrah, and enjoyed the deliciousness of Indian food. I’m on  diet so i ate sparingly. But I was with my darling Mother, who was lovely and soooo cute. We’re getting along really well right now, after a bit of a shocker..and I guess all i can say is new cars and popadoms really DO make you happy. It was all smiles, chandeliers, and bhuna! We get great service in there because the owners son, adores us. I’m their fave customer of infamy. (‘Aah here’s our little celebrity!’) I enjoy anyone who plays up to my ego. It means they’re smart and will always get what they want! *Wiggle-wink!*

The music in there was certainly of the hip shaking variety. It’s often hard to eat your lemon rice to the beats of exotic drums. Not because it’s annoying, but because i’m a Glamour Puss, and when i hear those drums, then my audience awaits me! You pretty much had to strap my booty DOWN, in order to prevent me from making a prize fool out of myself. I would have wound and jiggled my *junk* in every curry eating Himbos face! Oooh i loved it. I love music, i love passion, i love showing off, and being a dickhead. What more could a Wunna of wanted…but diamonds!

Anyhow, i will tell you that i only *jiggled*at the table and not out on show. I don’t want you to filed that under ‘decency,‘ I mean how dare you..why would you? But i will let you file it under ‘because there was not a big enough crowd.’ Attention whores KNOW when it’s worth *jiggling.* I didn’t drink at all last night. I had water. Yes, the devils juice! Water is more harmful to my system them anything. It enters my body and it’s like some foriegn poisionous unknown substance, that my body cannot handle. It even made my Mother talk about all the nurses my Daddy ‘boned’ in Doncaster! Now my pernts are ‘good to do’ and not remotely chavvy, making it extra funny when they decide to talk about their previous sexual conquests! (We’ve always been open about sex in our family and our historys. My parents felt it was important for us to KNOW their person stories of life, in order to create ours!)Bottom line, i’ve never drank so little in my LIFE!!!

So today the World cup is all a *go-go* as England play Slovenia or something?? God knows what? But they’re not ding very well. I mean where’s their drive, their determination, their passion. Without it you can’t do anything. The people that do well in life are the ones that posesses this ‘Umph’ naturally. I do and i’m on FIRE!! (Ooh i’m getting a *flashback* of the sparkler that was jabbed into a choccy cake last night. I love bitty sparkler flames. I find them sexy!!!)

Y’know, I haven’t watched Big Brother much at ALL this year. I didn’t last year either? Infact hardly anyone is. Maybe it’s because we’re all actually finding things to do now, that don’t consist of sitting infront of the telly. It’s a good thing, i’m sure. However, I am a big fan of the show, and well hopefully i’ll stay in a night, to watch a bit more of it. (I swear on my life, i’ve actually lost my cuppa tea and believe that Buddha has taken it.)

Loverboys currently instructing a boy from South Africa to drive right this second. He finishes at 10am and is then going to ‘Holla’ at me for a ‘hangout.’ I’ve running late and need a shower. I think i was meant to be ready by 10am, but it’s now 9.47am..and i still look like the Wicked witch of…China? I can’t smell of incense on my ‘hangout’  and have him sneeze all over me. I’m over his sneezing now. It’s getting a bit much. If you have hayfever…than stay the *&%*$^£ indoors! 🙂

Have a Booty-full Wednesday!

It’s Getting Hot in Here…

Hello, my lovely bundles of munchkin land. I have the football on, (I am aware that England aren’t playing today, however due to their rubbishness, i’ve decided to root for a different team. A team where the players aren’t paid millions of ‘dirty dirty dollars’ to miss the actual goal and a team where the players make ME kick & dribble.) I’m also in need of a giant *cool down* after a big day in the sun, (oooh laaa Daddio, it’s hotting up) and well armed with the *cheeky* in my eyes and a rather new chapter that is about to pretty much terrify me, you and yo’ mama…i think i’m doing A Okay! i think? Am I? Who knows!?! Lol. It’s a happy emotional time. I’m over the moon, but doing *i’m scared* faces, incase I manage to good old balls it all up nicely! [Place you bets here! 😉 ]

Luckily last night, I didn’t at all get bollocked. Not even one bit. The bollocker got scared of me, due to my reputation of *feist.* It does come in handy at times! (Haha..tragic!) I was terrified for no reason and turning a baby molehill, into a rather dramatic mountain of *fearo fearo.* (We do this to ourselves don’t we!) Nothing happened…apart from what i thought was going to be an awkward chat. It ended up being a normal adult chat and yeah it didn’t make me feel too delicious, as there were definitely a few things said  that I would never have delivered verbally, if i were in the other persons position. Yet, on the whole, i think it’s going to be alright. I’m not used to adult chats, they make me feel uncomfortable. I’m a *crazy.* I threw plant pots the size of hippos off balconies during a moment of ‘I’ll show you! in LA, dressed as a Belly dancer whilst  swearing and swigging!!  I’m playing by the ‘everything happens for a reason’ method. (Dodgey.) I really hope it does, because if it doesn’t….i’m doomed. WHOOPEEEE! My ‘Thing-a ling’ rocks! Am i being creepy?

I’ve actually just got back from a lovely lunch at The Beverly Arms. It’s by a big, local roundabout and drenched in blistering sunlight. There was a point in the day, where i thought umbrella drinks on the roundabout was the way forward! Loverboy and I sat outside in the heat, with spritzers and mango/apple juices, whilst talking about life. I haven’t actually seen Loverboy since Friday, because i’ve been away in London for work…(I go again Friday.) It’s odd when i don’t see him after a long time, because he isn’t his 100% self when he does get to re-see me. Don’t get me wrong, he was completely loving and sweet, but 20% of him was missing, kinda somewhere else? I mean he must have something on his mind. I don’t know what? But when men are away with thought, it’s usually regarding money or insecurity. Yeah he was definitely a bit *hazy* today, and well along with that 20% stolen by thought, a further 10% was temporarily snatched by hayfever! He has it bad, and well not only sneezed all over everything, almost ever 3 seconds, but he started having cold sweats, in the

A Jolly Good Bollocking…

In approximately 30 minutes, i’m about to get the biggest bollocking, i have ever recieved. Now, i’ve  received quite a few jolly old words of *bollocking* for the silly bits of ‘Chrissie Wunna’ that i wish i could tape over. However, i don’t think i will ever receive one as brilliant as this one. I’m nervous! Infact, so nervous that i have placed a ‘to get bollocked in ‘ outfit upon my Kitty body of ‘ooh,’ in dying hope that i get cut some slack and the ‘Bollocker‘ goes easy on me out of pity! I look rubbish and deliberately. When people tend to look rubbish, people tend to feel sorry for them…I’m going for this method of attack, simply out of desperation. Like i haven’t even combed through my hair! *Devastating* much!! I’m actually sick of having curly hair…it gets me into far too much trouble. (When you’re blaming your faults on curls…you know you are in too deep. lol)

OH MY GOD….i can hear the car pulling up. UGH!! Wish me luck! (Oh and when i say ‘bollocking,’ I am refering to a deliciously stern ‘telling off’ and not the art of someone whipping my eyes with their fleshy sweaty ‘man sacks!’ That has happened to me previous and yeah…his hangers smelt like a beef dinner. Niiice!!)

I feel terrified…. (I’ve just remembered that i have to call ‘Latin Lover,’ right now. What time is it in LA?)

Oh noooo….here we go! I’m gonna pretend i’m really busy on my laptop or something?? Right?? I was gonna do that ‘i’m fake asleep’ thing..but the laptop thing is better…right??? Oh god! Ugh!