I’m Just The Queen of Greatness

Well heellloo you saucy pieces of *sizzle.* I’m Chrissie Wunna. I’m you’re Ultimate Glmaour Puss. I love my life. Here we go…

Okay this morning, i woke up at 8am, looked at my pink Blackberry that i had set to an ‘awkward really’ alarm sound of @jonathanctaylor ‘s voice screaming ‘Omg it’s Chrissie Wunna.’ He sent it to me as a BBM voice note once, and i saved it to remind of my Greatness. It was the alarm sound that began my March 31st 2010 day. I looked at it. I clicked *Dismiss* and then i woke up at 9.06am…which was LATE for my shoot. Oops! Now, i’m a girl who hates being late. I flew around my house like a floozey on dizzy heat. I’ve never hit into so many things in stripes. In the end, i had to give in. I mean, i’m never good when rusyhed. If you’re a TRUE Glamour Puss, you take your time with things…merrily and maybe sexily. I stopped, made a cuppa tea, then text the photographer ‘Keith’ to tell him i was running late. Luckily he laid in too. Yipppeee. I’m telling ya the Gods Me. Anyway, a car came to pick me up at 10.30am and off i went to work…which today was in the form of a delicious 4 hour photoshoot, in cutsie wootsie night time attire.

I shot in a beautiful home. A beautiful one, full of aged liquor and a history. It belongs to a guy named Nigel, who i’ve know and simply adore. I’ve shot in that venue loads and well today it looked like a bachelor pad if i ever saw one. It’s the new Playboy Mansion. There was a partied out gazebo, bodies were running on Lucozade, and there were empty glasses of red wine and bottles in every odd corner. All signs of a good ‘night before.‘ I loved it. Massive place. I looked at Nigel..who had only just woke up as he opened the door and yawned and said, ‘I’m expecting 4 strippers to come sauntering through your living room any second, asking for headache pills.’ [Lots of dirty inappropriate jokes occured about other human beings at this time, featuring Jimmy

A Bit of Banter Before Bed

Hello Dollies, You scrumpy lumps of lush. I’m smeared in fake tan, i have an array of multi-coloured rollers in my hair, a couple of kittens are pouting at me and well the grooming process for work tomorrow (i have a shoot) as already begun. I enjoy pampering when i’m not forced to do it. I hate being forced to do anything. I’m a rebellious Kitty Cat, we know that, we love that. However, my fight with my inner vanity is proving to be rather tedious. I’ve made a nightcap *slurps vodka* and well now it seems i’ve eased my way into submitting to the powers of ‘well yeah i’m gonna have to groom in order to look good.’ (Whenever i begin to write my blog…everyone decides to talk to me about their day. I mean…i love hearing it all, because i’m tipsy. Yet..when i’m perched around aimlessly purring and winking, with nothing to do but *shimmie* to the greatness of my Life, nobody has a single thing to say to Me! It’s almost as if they wait until i’m no longer interested in them…and then force *interest*out of me. I dislike that trait in people…unless ofcourse i’m doing. People like Me to constantly be interested in them. I’ve noticed that. I quite like it too…which i find bizarre? (I used to zone out when things weren’t about me.) Jonny has just bbmed me informing me that i’m a ‘loser.’ I am. It’s fun. However, now i’ve recieved one from him reading ‘love you.‘ I prefer drunk Jonny. I used to date this guy in LA (well i dated them all, didn’t i..) but one in particular who i really could only handle if he was on perscription drugs. He told me he was religious. Well if he was, he sure as hell poked his ‘spirit’ into every other girl but ME. He had about 14 (4) different girlfriends. I swiftly took myself off rotation…even though months afterward he claimed I was the only girl for him…I had rumpy with him on my roomates bed…because ‘roomate’ once had ‘rumpy’ with a tranny on mine. I’m not sure why he couldn’t still to our own rooms?

It was funny though. I mean we had the Ultimate bouji party pad. In the morning, our dates (who might have stayed over) would meet in their underwear on our landing in a hungover shuffle to the bathroom at 7am. Mine would always come back with a smile. His would throw a 90210 Hollywood tantrum, begin screaming, shouting, grabbing their ‘last nights dress’ and storm down our beautiful stairway of sin. One actually came out with a busted lip and yelled, ‘WHAT!!!! YOU CAN’T EVEN LOOK AT WHAT YOU DOO TO PEOPLE!!!!! LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME.’ God knows what he did to her?? He claimed it was kinky sex. Didn’t really matter to me? I know ‘boy code’ and the fact that you just pretend it hasn’t happened. But she always came back for more….as did Jen, Julie, Dove and some other fine darlings of ‘rump.’

Anyway, today i’ve been exhausted. I spent the whole night talking to ‘Loverboy’ on the phone, whilst he was laid in bed. I went to bed at 3.30am and had to get up at 7am. I worked for a good moment then went shopping….which i found is rubbish when completely knackered. I trained it to Meadowhall, in

And the Drama Begins…

 

Day of DRAMA! Okay, i’ve been up since 6am, which is technically 5am, if we hadn’t played ‘forward’ with the system of time. I got up, i went straight to work, which was littered with paper work, resumes, organizing the old ‘life’ and pretty much learning the ropes in this old business of ‘show.’ We all know, i’m not a morning person, therefore i’m quite impressed with the fact that i managed to consume a great deal of alcohol last night, and still manage to leap up out of my sheets, with a smile on my face, a glint in my eye and ready to take on my work load. I’m getting busier, which is not leaving too much time for anything really. However, i’m loving it..because it’s everything i asked for. I was always a firm believer in the whole ‘becareful what you wish for’ dilly dally and let me tell you, dreams come true. Yet when they do…you kinda need to be ready for it. *Pulls up panties, adjusts bra, grabs rum, kisses dancing boy.*

I’ve been rather productive for a Lady of Leisure, the kitty cat of ‘ooh laa,’ and simply because i intended to. I’ve been soo happy and so content, that i kinda *paused* for a little to enjoy it…which i believe is healthy. I mean, i had a moment of ‘escape’ and to simply celebrate being just me, in a very NEW chapter. Everyone always thinks that i don’t really work hard. However, i think (and i’m not a good thinker, i believe it’s over-rated, i’m more of a ‘doer’) that i’m probably the hardest working person i know. Like i always say, i’m working when no-one realizes I am and no-one realizes I am, because i make it look easy. I do everything with a Wunna flair…a glamourous ‘ooh’ of *wiggle.* And i do it that way, because it’s the only way i know how. I find the fun in everything and because i need to..in order to stay sane. (Even though i’m completely insane and proud.)

I spent a lot of time in an office today, going through my resume, my upcoming projects, calling all the right people, catching up with agents, organizing my jobs, my life and with a delicious *wink* and a ‘concentration face.’ I enjoy doing my ‘concentration face,’ it’s half frown and half confused. However, i don’t tend to it for too long, due to the affect it may have on my ageing process. Crows feet are not in my future. If all i have to do is refrain from the odd frown and live a laid back life of stress free ‘likey likey,’ then i will…and i’ll frickin’ do it with wine! (You may applaud here. Yes, i am that tragic. 🙂 ) I’m back in the game full force now and because eveything in my life has pretty much come together. I craved stability…a ‘something’ i couldn’t get on top of in London. (Yet i managed to get on top of everything else, *wink-pout*) I didn’t enjoy the ‘not having’ of it…so i changed it..which you CAN do my Pretties.

People are always terrified to change the things that they don’t like in their life. I’ve never known why, because it’s a trait i do not have? I may have got into a lot of trouble in life and made some hidieous decisions, that which kinda pushed me into the catergory of ‘Legend’ accidentally. But not only was i learning, and mistake making with the best arm candy available..be it bags, booze or boys. But I was always ballsy enough to never play it safe, when i truely believed i needed to make a strong decision. I am a girl who will now never sell herself short, after doing so many times. Yet like i said, it’s the way i learnt, all about myself. I mean I watch people merely exist everyday and i don’t like it one bit. If you feel you are stuck in a rut…hold your head up high, smile and PULL yourself out of it. Look around and make sure you are doing exactly what you want to be doing!! If you’re not…then hopefully you’ll come across a little floozies blog, who will tell you that you’ve been given 100 years, all to yourself, to do whatever you so please with. The rest is on you. I want mine to be sexy. How do you want yours?

Okay, yesterday, i had a delicious lie in, a tamper in the garden, where i simply laid and sun bathed in my garden, in mildy deep thought. I hate my period because it makes me contemplative…which i find annoying. I had cocktails, (ofcourse) then I helped my friend stalk her ex-boyfriend. (Oh what a fine human being I am. I refrained from judging her, because she had ‘pain’ in her eyes, behind a fake smile. I had ‘bedroom‘ in my eyes, behind a fake ‘spice rack.‘) We commited to our adventure…however I got spotted randomly peeking around a bush, in polka dots. Never good, when stalking. The fun thing was the fact that she had the tremendous joy of actually having to watch him make out with another girl infront of her. (OUCHY.) I did laugh…yet not because i’m evil, but because i let her take a minute to actual realize what we were doing. (In a fucking bush, in polka dots…PEEKING, behind bins!!) Then for a good 5 minutes, that moment of ‘laughter’ was shared, when she looked at me with twigs in my hair. Then the crying began and the walking her home, in my arms, with wine. Oh the joys of love that we file under ‘ex’ that we still think about when we cannot seem to find the other half to our ‘whole.’ I think she just kinda regrets not loving him the way she should’ve. Learn from this. I have! Luckily for me… Cupid is cutting me some slack. The rest of my day began with a phonecall from ‘Loverboy’ and him picking me up in his car of blue and shirt of lemon.

We wanted to go to the park for a walk…and we did. It was really romantic, because it was one of those days where it’s 6pm, but looks like 1 o clock in the afternoon. Ducks, ponds, other peoples kites, and a brisk wind accompanied us on our walk n talk. Along with a mention of gravy, from his cook book for alcoholics. Infact, in good old Wunna fashion, i accused him for taking me on a walk, simply because he thought i needed to work out. Boys do this we me. One time, a guy, told me he was taking me to the Zoo…and it ended up being a HIKE!!! (Haha.) Bottomline ‘Loverboy’ was being his rather romantic self and i was pointing out the rather humourous fact that he’s now changed our dates into romantic ‘walking’ because he obviously believes my thighs are fat. I enjoy the Wunna logic. (Note: He does not think my thighs are fat.) I noticed that we both kinda have a decent sense of humour…except i joke about really inappropriate things, that you should never really joke about. And well he jokes A LOT… yet never about anything that he takes seriously…like Love, Me and well pretty much everything. lol. He’s cute. We got cold, and tottered back to the car for immediate warmth, as he claimed (mid- walk) that he needed to learn my ‘lingo’ in order to understand what i was rambling on about, half the time. (‘Omg, my chick friend is like sooo Oooh laa much!’)

We ended up at a local pub…had drinks…beer, vodka, cuddles, and a jolly old time indeed, indeed. Thank GOD he drinks!! We always sit in a corner away from everyone..so we can have a bit of a talky talk and a baby feel up. We did the whole romantic talk, that i file under ‘Lovey McDovey.’ Then he said something really important to me, which was, ‘..since i’ve met you, you’ve kinda inspired me to live. Like you’ve made me realize that i can actually do the things, that i’ve always wanted to. You’ve come into my life and tinted it a whole shade of pink…like whole shade of Wunna.’ Therefore it’s like i’ve made him realize what life is about and how amazing it is. I feel like a guardian angel that goes from being to being, given them wine..and then ofcourse CONFIDENCE…with love. I mean, a lot of people think it’s amazing that i moved to Hollywood as a kid, all on my own, to pursue a ‘dream come true.’ Yet all i did that was different to everyone else was actually think it and then DO it. Most people stop at the ‘thinking’ part. That’s not how any dream comes true. I had a great night. ‘Loverboy’ is amazing. Any boy that actually considers maybe wanting to commit to a ‘happy ever after with me AND with babies’ deserves trophies…and not just an itchy crotch.

ANYWAY, ofcourse in Wunnaland…everything GREAT gets ruined by busy bodies and today has been littered with BOY drama. Any boy, every boy, that might currently love me, like me, hate me, whatever me. Has decided to complicate my ‘happy ever after’ due to bitter selfishness. Boys i’ve dated never want to see me happy. It’s like i can never run away from my past of tragic game we tend to play when we’re young called the  ‘little black book.‘ I’ve felt awful and all overwhelmed. I had cigarette, a walk, a *breathe* and a little weep. (I am a Princess..i do weep quite dramatically. lol) I just have a lot of ‘eww much drama drama’ a lot of trouble going on behind the scenes in my love life…away from my ‘Happy place,’ which makes me feel negative. I feel as though i will forever have to tend to it, because it seems to follow me everywhere. I’m really upset at the spitefullness and moodiness of certain boys, who do not think that they’re tiny actions make a HUGE difference to my LIFE. They will purposely attempt to make my walls crumble in on me.. turn my ‘perfect’, into an emotionally chaotic ‘Pollock’…not realizing the ‘clean up’ their mess takes. I’m currently being emotionaly black mailed by a boy. Fun right! *sad face*. I’m fine though, i have the help of heros, and the support of a jolly good bra. I’m gonna need ya.

Y’know, I guess, what people do not realize about me, is that i actually HATE drama. I hate it. I do not court it…i enjoy a Glamourous ooze of peace. I do however have a cloud of it misting over me at all times. (*Downs shot-Grabs fur*)  I especially do not enjoy ‘drama’ from boys…I find it girly, bitter and negative….However, like i Tweeted to a Darling of the name @EddClay earlier, due to me adoring him far too much…I do actually prefer the word ‘Queen’ in that little phrase of ‘ooh laa,‘ where two words are combined. And luckily after numerous ‘make me smile’ messages, from ALL you Kittens…You have actually become a BIG part of my existance!!  The Queen in me has marched her way forward and the ‘drama’ is now so *hair toss.* (Due to rum. 🙂 ) I feel great again!  *strut-beckon-bring it.* You can’t keep a good Kitty Down and especially not in these heels. I love being Chrissie Wunna, but darlings strap in…now it gets ‘rollercoaster.‘ Luckily it’ s a ride i do well….and with a fucking martini. 😉

Completely Exhausted!

Completely exhausted. Obviously i had approximately 3 hours sleep after my night of ‘shimmie’ much with my handsome treat of boyage i’m labelling ‘Loverboy,’ and a little baby romp in the back seat of automotive, whilst a milkman looked on.

I had to get up early to spend quality time and all my money with and on my Mother. I do adore her and yeah i might be knackered, to the point where even lifting the wine glass to my lips exhausts me to the point of *pass-out.* But at the end of the day, quality time with genuis who bred me, comes before all selfish acts of ‘hang to the oooover.’ I’m like a human dynamo. I swear, i can feel shit, but keep on going for ages…I have no idea how i do it?

We went to Doncaster…did a bit of shopping. Had lunch. It was lovely. I got recognized a lot today (it always happens when i’m all hungover and useless..When i’m in my full glory…no-ones bothered.) But I talked to a little 8 year old in pink and hairbands, who i loved immensely, due to her posh little girl accent. Yet, town was far too busy for my liking and more people kept staring at me, rather than stopping me. I prefer to be stopped, because i feel more comfortable with a brief natter. (God my body kills!! After every night out now, i need a massage in order to simply move. I’m old!!! Remind me to never be 29 and try to get my ‘leg over’ in the back of a car. OUCHY! I’m humping like i’m 16. I’m a disgrace…but we love it.)

Anyway, i’m home now. I’m tired. I can’t WAIT to lie in. My shoot got  rescheduled, which although bad, kinda means i get extra hours in bed…alone. Woohoo! I can’t think of anything more delicious than bed right now. I’m exhausted.

I’ve been texting a lot tonight. I’ve stalked a few hotties on Facebook.. and well Jonny and I have been bbming. He misses me and to be honest i have moments in the day where i miss him too. I mean before i ventured back up north, we had pretty much spent all day every day with each other and for months. He said he misses so much it aches and it confuses him and that we need to talk. We do need to talk.

However right now, i’m off to bed. I’m in my baby blue pj’s and armed with a delicious night cap. I am the Queen of Greatness and i don’t you forget it. ‘Loverboy‘ just text me telling me he’s gonna be meeting me tomorrow after he’s had his

Party Party, Raunch & Milkmen

Trailed in at 6am, after the best night of ‘party party’ in Leeds. Basically, it was Friday, i’m the Kitty Queen of Party, I fancied having a drinky, so i text ‘Loverboy’ (i mean I half wanted to test his ‘goodtime’ skills) and told him that we should go out for a drinky…on Me. Now, i’m a pay my own way kinda girly…i don’t usually have to, i admit that, yet i’m highly generous. I’ll pay for my drinks, your drinks and anyone else who fancies a bit of a cocktail. Plus, it’s good for Me to show ‘Loverboy’ that i’m an independant Puss of Glamour. I can treat a boy, if i want to and anytime. He usually pays for everything…but last night, he picked me up, we drove to Leeds and well it was all on Me. We went to ‘Living Room.’ (Which if you don’t know, is sort of a trendy floored bar, that is decorated or designed like actual living room. Therefore it’s almost like a house party, but not at all…because it’s an actual bar innit.)

We went, we drank, we always order a bottle of wine first. I looked delicious and he looked gorgeous. I swear when i saw him, i melted. He was in a black pin striped shirt and jeans, and was ultimately Glamour Pussy and BOOBIED! Woohoo! We were really popular last night. We we greeted with a great deal of attention and almost immediately. (Perfect for a floozey like moi.) However, like i said before, i’m used to everyone having a look, a peeky, a little stare and i love it…but it was all apparently very new to him. He just kinda looked at me and smiled, holding our wine bottle and two glasses, and said, ‘It’s just funny, how every person we walk past sort of glares. I’m not used to being with such a pretty girl. They either think i’m loaded, have something they don’t or i’m a footballer. lol.’

We sat down on a giant brown leather sofa, and drank our wine, and cuddled, as pretty much everyone watched out every move and a really drunk couple sitting opposite us ate each others faces off. He celebrated life, we celebrated party party, we celebrated us and had a walk around the joint. ‘Loverboy’ is everso romantic. I mean he’ll open his heart to me, fearlessly and tell me i’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. I mean we moved into another room, due to ‘not being able to hear each other’ (a bunch of girls and a lesbo couple were shouting the ‘Living on a prayer’ song out, in merriment, and he gently held my hand, looked at me, and said, ‘Everyday i’m falling more and more in love with you. You’re my perfect girl.’ I obviously loved that…(ego maniac much), i told him how i felt for him, and how delicious he was. Then with a wink….i decided to make vodka our new friend. 🙂 *Pour it bitch*

Lots of fun. A really good time. We ventured down to a little downstairs room, where the ‘bumping and grinding’ haha, goes on, the old dilly dancing and well yeah…we had a sexy little *wiggle.* I love a good dance around. I’m not one to stand and pout when drunk. I’m hyper active. If i can fit a shimmie in…i WILL!! People actually really liked him in that downstairs room. I mean boys kept coming up to him like they had known him for years and doing that manly, coolio, half gang sign, hand shake, that the Hollywood boys do.’ Loverboy,’ didn’t even really know what was going on, but he’s actually really social and really nice. I believe i brought it out in him. I can take any being and turn them from a shy, scoial retard, to an actual popular Glamour Pussy…socialite!!! I don’t know how i do it? Yet, i will say it’s a forte. I’m really good at making others feel good and really enjoy it. I’ve noticed that when people feel good, they become confident. When they are confident, they are a happier and stronger version of themselves. ‘Loverboy’ looked at me and said, ‘This has been the best 2 weeks of my life. I’ll always remember them.’ But that was after he said, ‘I’m gonna end up making a whole load of friends because of you! AND i can’t believe we got free shots for no reason?’ Welcome to my world honey pie!

I was way more drunk that him…because he was driving. But i love me drunk. I’m ace. Therefore we both had a wonderful night. I made friends with a bar tender who thought he was inadequate because he didn’t think he could fling vodka bottles in the air and catch them as good as the other guy. I made him do it for me and when he did, i praised him and called him ‘sexy.’ From that point on, he loved me. We got free shots. Tony was his name and i ADORED him. How sweet! Great guy. Then the toilet attendant lady spanked me, on my way out after a quick toilet groom. I remember talking to a lovely girl in the loo too. Can’t remember what we were on about, but i think it had something to do with being old?

Annnyway, drove home about 3am. Parked up outside my house, Talked about how madly in love we felt, and about having babies. (WOOHOO! Lol.) He told me he loved my openess and truthfulness. If i feel something, i’m not afraid to express and because of that…he now feels confident enough to fully express himself, without thinking i ‘m going to judge him. Then the raunchy things happened. 🙂 (Champion!) I melt when i see him, because, without him saying a word, he looks at me, like he’s soo deeply feels for me…but with a smile.

It’s bizarre, because we can get really dirty…in minutes. One minute we’re talking about life. The next we’re kissing and feeling each other up. Haha. Lots happened. Imagine an abstract of boobies, groans, touching and six packs in the early early morning. At one point he was sat in the back seat, we had our bits out (hahaha) and well i won’t tell you what i was doing, but he was rather into it, and spanking me. HAHAHA. We look at the clock and it’s now 6am. WTF!!!! I’m being a deliciously sexy nuisance, the all of a sudden i *pause* because i can hear a vehicle of some sort. I look up at Loverboy, and then all i see his how fucking sexy he looks, when he looks at me, with his shirt unbuttoned. Therefore i’m slagginess got the better of me and i carried on doing whatever it was i was doing. 🙂

Again…we both hear a noise??? We *pause* we look up…and a flipping Milk van, is merrily trundling up the drive, all happy and early morning’ed. We were half naked, being raunchy, in the back of a car, that had the windows all steamed up and actually CRACKING UP, because we had to bob down and HIDE behind seats, so the milkman wouldn’t see us! I was tucking all boobs, willies and everything back in it’s place in a panic, whilst repatedly hitting my head on the ceiling…in fits of terrified laughter and do you know what the milkman did!?! He pulled down his pants and pee’d on his van and in my garden..not knowing we were spying on him. Haha. Loverboy hates car sex.

And yeah well that killed the moment for Me. I kissed ‘Loverboy,’ we then stopped and just looked at each other for a moment, then hugged. It was morning. I swung open the car door and tottered off into my home. We hate having to leave each other. Amazing night of Oooh laa. I LOVE my life and i hope you love yours to! Enjoy it. Live it. Laugh at it!! Make your dreams come true. Then top up your cocktail and smile. (I’m off to Doncaster to shop for thr rest of the day. I’ve had 3 hours sleep, and fell completely fine!) YAY!

 

We all love a bit of Red Meat

I need to stop abusing sausages when drunk. I keep trailing in, finding them, (God knows how i keep finding them, but they do seem to be laying around, all cooked and frigthened whenever i’m drunk) and in a midst of my drunken hunger, I keep stabbing them with anything i can find and shoving them into my mouth. When i say sausage, i do mean of the MEAT variety. However saying that, both ‘sausages’ are of the meat variety? One comes with a side of mash and the other comes with a round of emotional pain, a phone number, a few cheesey lines and if your lucky a round of herpes. I need to stop. EVERYTIME i trail in, all heeled and tipsy, i wander into my kitchen after struggling to figure out, how to actually make my house key, open my door . (It’s really hard when drunk, when the only light you have is of the sensor variety…which makes me look like a witch at the best of times.) It took me about 15 minutes. I was standing there in an outfit of delicious ‘hoochie,’ fiddling, and tinkering, and swearing with frustration. The door swung open, i tumbled in…i stabbed a sausage. BE ME!

Anyway, last night, i was meant to go to home of ‘Loverboys’ parents for a bit of ‘oooh laaa,’ love and togetherness. At around 8pm, i see him driving down my dirt track, so i totter on out armed with a wink in my eye and a pair of jubblies, in a shrunken yellow cardy, over an pink tube top, snake skin heels and denim skirty. We kissed, we bantered, we made each other smile…(he’s getting a lot more comfortable now around me…i hope?) Then mid ‘scenic route’ drive, we make the executive decision to get drunk in a nearby pub, instead of going to his parents house. I think they were meant to be going out, but instead were staying in. Therefore we kissed more, we pulled over and then we bought a bottle of wine, followed by vodka. We had fun. It was kinda like a cuddly, romantic, but funny time. From the moment we stepped into the pub, (the whole place, which was filled with groups of men and the odd girl, here and there) EVERYBODY sort of glared at us and watched our every move..and the whole entire time. I’m kinda immune to it now, because i’m used to it and i do love it. (I am an attention whore, afterall.) However, i did out the corner of my eye watch him, to see how he would sort of react. He did well…and loved it. He looked like he was really proud to be with me and found it mildy humourous. But then we found a quiet corner table away from everyone, cuddled up and talked…(whilst getting pissed.) We’re learning a lot more about each other now and each time we do talk, it gets juicier. Last night we talked about our exes, getting married and having baby boy. If he had a kid, he would want a boy. I would want a girl, so i can dress her up like a celebrity at the age of 4 months. I mean, i wouldn’t know what to do, if i had a angry, football playing, boy? (Other than sleep with it. 🙂 )

Lots of fun, lots of banter, then i just so happened to mention something to him, mid-tipple, that someone had done as a joke. One of his friends had left me a message that wasn’t from him, but they kinda pretended it was. I obviously found it funny. I’m of a ‘silly’ nature and i do things like that all the time. Therefore i told him thinking he’d just roll his eyes and laugh it off, with a ‘my friends are knobs.’ BUT NO! Omg! He’s really sensitive when it comes to things like that, because he saw it as someone trying to embarass him, or make him look stupid, in order to ruin his chances with me. Lol. For a good five minutes, he was all embarrased and mildy angry. I did try and console him, but i was rubbish at it, because i did it with wine, cuddles and laughter. I have a GREAT sense of humour, so to me it didn’t matter. But it did make me realize how into this relationship he is and he doesn’t want anyone, or anything to threaten it. He had to go have a five minute moment in the toilet to himself to breathe. But when he came out, he saw the funny side to it all, and we were back to banter, laughing and smooching. (Funny that we were talking about our exes…because as he went to the toilet, Jonny was bbming me…he does pick his moments bless him. lol. Jonny is everywhere…like a fucking spy! Haha. I think he was at Embassy or something and our song, which is apparently ‘

Knickers, Boys & Homes

Okay, let me take you into my world for a second. I’m under a pink and crystal chandelier, i have a grey fluffy kitten, i’m dressed in the colour of ‘trench coat’ (which is beige, but ‘trench coat’ sounds so much more delicious…unless you’re the middle aged man, who wore one and then showed me his willy one lonely Doncaster night,) i’m in black stilettos and i’m being told that men date women who are the similiar to them. Whether the similarity be in looks, features, a personality trait, or a manner? Is this true? Are men attracted to women who are a version of them, if they were a girl? I’m not so sure i buy it? I mean, i think men are way more superificial than that…they just go for hot, and if you have an alright personality, they’ll stay with you…for a good while. If you’re hot and have an amazing personality, then they’ll fall in love with you. Do they really go for a girl version of them?? I mean, i go for a man who is usually the direct opposite to me. I mean, they’ll be similarities…but you can find a ‘similarity’ in anything!!! I’m gonna go for ‘thats bull.’ Unless, i get a million emails telling me otherwise. *Flicks one her right stiletto off*

Other than that, i’ve just got done being ridiculously exciting and washing my panties, knickers, under garments…whatever you wish to label them, in my bathroom sink, in bright yellow rubber gloves. I’m drying a tan…i couldn’t get water on my hands or arms. I’ve gone a delicious caramel colour, which in the natural light will look ‘ORANGE.’ But i don’t care, i’m rocking it, i look hot. Anyway, as i tweeted earlier..you can tell a lot about a girl, by the knickers she wears. However, not the knickers she wears, when she knows they might end up on your bedroom floor. But what knickers she chooses to wear, when you’re not looking. You can always tell…when she washes them in the sink.

I mean, i have a really whorey boobied blond friend, who washes these odd, giant beige parachute pants, in her sink, and you would never have guessed that that would be her actual choice in undergarment.I love that about her, because it means she’s a lot different to how the many masses my percieve her…and she knows it. I remember her rinsing them out, and me telling her that i could lay them in the park and have a full spread pinic off them. I looked to the right where she had 3 pink floozey pairs drying on a rail, in a London hotel room, and with a laugh she said, ‘They’re my put out knickers.’

I washed, squeezed and rinsed mine just now. I kinda looked, (in order to study) and mine just looked like an assortment from Willy Wonkas whore cupboard…all candy, and frilly, and bright, and matchy. Then i found a pair of the old ‘big white-comfy much,’ and sighed with relief, that i could possibly still pass myself off as still virginal. My favourite type of panty is the full french knicker. I do like a fun frilly pair and i do wear them even when no-ones going to be lifting up my skirt. I’m not a keen thong wearer. But i’ll do it…if i must. I love glamourous underwear. I’m obsessed with being Glamourous, and i don’t even know why?? I love lush, rich glamour, with diamonds, and furs and pink, and gold, and deliciousness. Away from that, I’ve actually been offered a lot of money by a man in America, who wants to buy my soiled and rather glam knicker crackers…and immediately. I mean, it’d save me having to wash them. 🙂 And i’d beable to buy about 42 rounds of wine.

Tonight, i’m going to hang out with ‘Loverboy‘ at the home of his parents and i can’t find a decent, ‘i’m in the home of his parents’ outfit…which is frustrating. I have nothing, so i’m simply gonna go with, whatever i grab first. I mean, i’m going as Me. I once got thrown out of a boys Mothers home in New York, for accidentally uttering the word ‘masturbate’ infront of her dear catholic self. I can’t believe i did that!! But in my defence, she did deliberately get me drunk, in order to question Me. UGH! However, tonights not like that, because his parents are out,(and even if they were in, they’d be lovely…a bit of sucking up, by The Wunna.) ‘Loverboy’ and I, are there in order to look after their new puppy…which i’m sure i’ll find…difficult. (lol.)  But it’s funny innit. I hope i can do it drunk? It feels like quite a coupley thing to do. I think he’s quite worried, because he keeps re-telling me not to expect a big ‘razzle dazzle’ night. Haha. I mean, i don’t know how people must percieve me…but i’ve been in a HOME before and i’m able to just be NORMAL in one??? LMAO. How funny? He always thinks, that i’ll think he’s boring, due to me being a ‘Party girl, Princess.’ But i love the way he is. I’m humoured by it. It’s cute.  I mean we went to a McDonalds drive through for brekkie, one morning and he kinda looked all worried. He was adorable, bless him. All i said was, ‘You’re acting like i’ve never had a McDonalds before.‘ We just laughed, bought all this crap and couldn’t eat it because we were hungover. He does all these really goofy things around me, because he’s dead nervous. I love it. It’s almost charming.

I’ve lived a life. A great one. I mean, i feel so lucky to have ventured to Hollywood and (hahaha) oh how i lived. Jesus couldn’t save me!! Then i flew to London after years and years, got on the telly and now i’m back to my roots. Where my life first began. I’m come full circle. Therefore orginally i’m a girl from Yorkshire…with parents from Burma. I’ve had a McDonalds for breakfast and i’ve been inside peoples homes and chilled. Yeah, i’ve got it good…but i’m a lot more grounded than most people think.  I mean, i might have woken up in the swankiest of pads, with a variety of Hollywood heart throbs, telling me they’ll call me, as i take a morning dip in the pool, then get in my car and drive to an afternoon pool party with friends, followed by a cocktail hotspot. But i’ve also woken up pissed on a merry go round, a puppy and a in a prison cell, handcuffed to a lesbian. I can do Mothers homes just fine! lol *Tucks in clevage*

Bunny Bitch

In my garden blogging under an apple tree, which has not one leaf, but 204 apples on it. It’s almost repulsive, yet oddly quite Japanesey. I had a kitten with me at some point, but it went off to have nookie with a bunny, that had erotic looking ears. I’m not horny anymore. I’m rubbish. It was simply just a bit of morning ‘ooh laa,’ that sailed on into my past with the greatest of ease! I have my spirtual advisor popping over in a short while, to advise me spiritually on things. To be honest, she gets a bit drunk, but bizarrely predicts my future with the greatest of accuracy. I mean she told me about my recent contract, and the exact date of when it would occur. Then she told me a month in advance, that i would meet my ‘Mr.Right’ on March 6th…and on that night…I actually did. I do pay her. However, i do just seem to enjoy her presence.

And the Plot Thickens..

I’m in a really fun, almost infantile mood today. I believe ‘silly’ is the term and i’m having an absolute blast…although i am doing this rather random ‘mentally ill’ thing, where i laugh to myself, for no real reason. It’s like being tickled by horny ghosts. Infact talking about feeling frisky…I don’t know whether this happens to you or not, (especially my gays) but when i’m on my period, my ‘oochie wally’ as i like to call it…i don’t half turn into a giant horn ball. I mean I woke up on HEAT and i’m not even meaning this in a rank way, ‘ooh i’m so horny’ way. *Perv face* I’m actually finding it hilarious that due to a bundle of unbalanced hormones, I’m feeling as though i need to sexually rub up against things, that really don’t need my attention. Mops are turning me on. I’m an (insert swearing) Glamour Puss. I DON’T MOP!!! Infact I hate mops, they’re a waste of any beings time, when you can simply hire the ‘Merry Maids.’ (In LA you can also ‘hire a husband’ to come over and do all your D.I.Y crap. Really you can! I didn’t need too. Instead i went to Taco bell, after buying a cabinet thing from Ikea.. this is a true story, by the way, that i couldn’t for the life of me put together. I  strutted in. Bought a taco for 99c, found a random male, who fancied his chances. Took him back to mine and MADE HIM build my cabinet!!! HAHAHA! All i gave him was a series of winks and a Lucozade. HAHAHA! When he was done, he was all sweaty and ‘eww.’ Therefore i thanked him, told him i would hug him if he wasn’t so sweaty and then showed him out, past security who gave me a *wink.* I think he was Jewish?) Anyway…flew off on a magical memory there. (I am currently pissing myself.) Today..i’m a friskerella and anything i look at, i am being awkwardly aroused by. I feel as though i might actually have a go on anything in it nodded at me .seductively.. *skims through male fan pictures.* (One of the perks of being a Glamour Puss.) Infact, i’m realizing that i’m only enjoying the fantasy of it all. Realistically, i may be a horn ball…yet i am a bloated ‘being’ who is bleeding from her ‘whoop-dee-doo.‘ Bit messy really. (Why am i wishing i could squirt vodka shots out of my nipples?)

Anyway, i’m happy today, excited, feeling quite loving and still in my pyjamas. I’m tanning, pampering and sorting out outfits for a shoot i have on

There’s No Juice in My Gin

Today’s been busy. Y’know, one of those days where you really just want to ‘slag it off’ and grab a cocktail, a glitter shower, a gaggle of shirtless dancing boys and *wink* around a shimmie of fun time, under the misconception that you have nothing better to do, than LIVE your life the way it should be. Now, i’m particular, dedicated and quite a hard working Glamour Puss. HOWEVER, I’m a Kitty Cat who likes to enjoy what i want, whenever i wish to enjoy it…regardless as to what it may be labelled as, by ‘society.‘ I don’t like things to be long and boring. I find *sizzle* in short sharp *spits* of sexy much and today all i wanted to do was party…have fun…and through the day….to the romantic lyrics scrolled by Ludacris, that go a little bit like ‘MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY…GET OUT THE WAY.. BITCH..GET OUT THE WAY.’ (It’s funny because i’m 100% all ‘wide eyed dolly,’ yet i get really into the madness. I mean I do a whole ‘i might beat my wife on