Working, Working, Hard, Hard

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Busiest of days and it’s not even noon yet. I guess there really is no rest for ‘The Puss,’ afterall. But it’s just the way i like it, it keeps me out of trouble and all that good stuff. Well kinda not really. I still commit to my old faithful ‘jiggery pokery’ yet in a work environment, someone else always takes the fall for me and because i’m off the telly! CHAMPION! (I currently have a Nazi, cleverly disguised as a whore, cleverly disguised as a hair stylist, yanking rollers out my poor defenseless hair! What she doesn’t know is that i’m later going to ‘snail trail’ on her leg without her consent, then steal her purse to the sweet music of VICTORY!)

Interviews today, a shoot, and an audition.  I’m excited, freezing, and have an inappropriate orange glow. Wazza (my best bud, and manager of this site) has already shouted at me for selling his body to gays. I need fans. I godda do what i godda do!! If they want to hold his hand on lonely nights…then it’s sold, to the man in the sequinned thong! He’s all mardy because instead of comforting him, i laughed in his cyber face. And with a ‘Chrissie it’s not funny…,’ he throws a tantrum and then forgives me. Wazza once picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, ran as fast as he could down a corridor and threw me out of a window from a GREAT (one story) height, because i kept punching him in the balls in the 6th form study at school. He’s getting sold to gays!!!

Other than that, i’m excited because i’m meeting a lady today (Virginia Leach) who is a celebrity portrait painter. (What you don’t know about me, is that i’m extremely into art. I got an art scholarship into school! I did, i did.  I might be a bimbo, but oddly, i could fucking accurately draw you in a second flat! Hilarious!) Anyway, Virgnia has flown into London to meet me, because she has painted my portrait. (Direct eyes to above painting! Amazing right!) It’s all for charity (The Madeirian sunshine trust.) And well i’m going to meet Virginia in Leicester square today, at around 4.30pm to sign a few of the paintings, that will later go on auction. How lovely! I’m really excited and really grateful that i was an interesting enough ‘subject’ for her to paint. ( I know how ‘Mona Lisa’ of me right!)  I actually can’t wait to meet her. And well as we all know,we HAVE to get our charity in at Crimbo time, to be good with God in 2010. Like i said, get tumbling that money into donation boxes. Making up with people. Rescuing pets. Do what you can, or you’ll be..how can i put this politely?? Erm….FUCKED!

Anyway, i’ve godda go, but i will tell you that last night, my raven haired beauty ‘Harriet’ and i managed to rack up £1240 on ‘muffs,’ in the space of 10 minutes. I’m addicted to ear muffs and those ‘muffs’ you can put ya hands in (wink wink) to keep them warm. Therefore we managed to find a pair we liked in Harrods for the bargain price of £119 each. It’s kinda like the bouquet of flowers we demanded that came to £499. (Hahah…CHAMPION.) We’ve been raised to enjoy the finer things in life and well at Xmas…why not? I mean…we have cold ears..

A Little Bit Fluey But a Whole Lotta Lurve

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I think i’m ill. Well i know I am. I’m in bed and can’t move, with a snotty nose…which would mean that i ‘ain’t too dandy.’ I don’t think Glamour Pusses, deserve snotty noses. They aren’t really becoming and very rarely go with my outfit. But yes, my body is an acheing. Oh, isn’t Christmas fun!

I’ve actually got to get better by tomorrow as i have a signing and i love how i believe drinking Pear Cider, will aid my recovery. The ‘pear’ in the cider, creeps me out, BIG TIME! It makes no sense to me??

Last night i was on the phone til 7am, to a friend. I’ll not tell you anything about it, but i will tell you that i think i accidentally got hyponitized. Like in REAL LIFE! It’s actually happened to me before, in LA. There was this fat, grey haired doctor, who lived with 32 other people, who pretended he was a chiropracter, and when i went over, after getting run-over, he rubbed my ankle rather inappropriately and started talking to me in this soft, ‘woozey’ voice. I woke up suddenly…which is always scary when you can’t remember falling asleep! ( I mean the last time that happened, i looked down and had had ‘bigger boobs’ shovelled into my chest.) Anyway, he hypnotized me, without my consent. TRUE story! (Even admitted it.) Then after putting me back to normal, he got beat up in a Thai restuarant, (that turns into a kareoke gambling joint after midnight) by my boyfriend at the time, who kept oddly calling him a ‘Paedophile?’ I did actually love him for that. I adore a boy that will defend my honour.

Anyhow, I’m always having to stay up late for work, due to all the different time zones. If i have an Asian interview, an England one and an American one…i’m pretty much f*****! I’ll have to stay up and ‘phone’ ALL day into the early hours. But i love it, so i’m not complaining…which reminds me, I need to tan.

Yesterday, i can’t really remember what happened? Except i recieved a delicious amount of BBM voice notes. I loved them all. Especially the drunk 6am ones, declaring ‘Wunna’ Love. I think i also made a boy commit to drunken Ice skating. Chrissie on Ice…(that sounds like a cocktail in itself.) He claims to be an ice skating champ. I told him i would push him over and emotionally destroy him. He got oddly excited?

Life is good. I’m getting a great deal of love from the masses….for once. ‘Lashes’ is being a dickhead. It seems i only really do like him when he’s on drugs. However, i know i definitely don’t like ‘football’ coming before ‘important talk.’ (*she pushes him back through her revolving door of handsomes.*) ‘Latin Lover’ on the other hand is being a darling. (Infact, i’m doing alright with the boys right now!) I love romancing men. I think i could turn it into an art. It’s the Wunna Charm, i tells ya. However, I am enjoying all the Cyber hearts, flowers and smoochies i’m getting from you on Facebook. It’s definitely all going to my head. And well i’m happily riding out the year gleefully…but with the flu. God i HATE Pear Cider! Why put ‘pear’ into a soothing poor mans ‘love juice?’ I hate how they try to ‘fancy up’ something, that’s so simply correct.

I was gonna post a video up, however my awful better judgement told me not to, due to the fact that it was a bit racists! Hahaha…! OMG it’s funny. Other than that I really dislike the idea of DOLLYWOOD. What kinda fucked up theme park is it?? Everythings falling to pieces! On it’s last legs and everything! One of the actual rides is some sort of broken down shed, where a giant fire will come and BURN YOU ALIVE! WTF!! It then says you will need a bucket of water to put the fire out! FROM WHERE???? That’s not a fucking amusement park ride!!  That’s an insurance claim, a lawsuit and another pricey trip to the plastic surgeons!!

Even the shows are shit! They’re only on at weekends and they’re all about some girls who lived their entire lovely lives with the superstar Dolly Parton. They apparently tell their whole magical ‘country music’ life story with the ‘Great’..then it says ‘lasts 20mins.’ Hahaha! Brilliant!! DOLLYWOOD looks shit. I NEED to go.

Anyway, i’m gonna go now and die ungracefully in my pink sheets, with Cider. I love you. I do! Thankyou very very much. I’ve had a GREAT year Pussycats! (Oh? The Police are here?)

Twitter Topic Trend Innit

My new personal Twitter ‘trending’ topic is #ihadchrissiewunnainmybed (Followed by your best Wunna joke. Well unless you have actually had me in your bed! Then you can tell a true story.)

I’ve had rum and now i’m having BBm voice note conversations with my buddy bud Jazz. (Who is at home having a cuppa tea, coz he’s Rockstar like that!)

#ihadchrissiewunnainmybed

Have a go…

Love, Lesbos & My Words of Advice

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I’ve just been used by a table of drunks that consisted of a gay and a lesbian, who were bored at a restuarant carvery. I’m at home tonight, flirting with a bottle of rum, in the warmth, watching telly, and commiting to being rather hilarious. I’ve prank called strangers all night, for no reason what so ever really? I actually don’t mind it when i get pranked at all. What most dear folk forget about me, is that for an overly boobied, eyelashed asian doll, i actually possess the GREATE

A Little Bit of Purr-Fection

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I love how it looks like it’s partially sunny ‘could wear pink booty shorts’ outside, yet when you actually venture out into the world, all ‘legs out- pout- wink-I totally have a good sex life,’ it’s the most freezing cold frightful weather you could have ever be placed in, out of sheer & utter misfortune. I swear, if you’ve unfortunately found yourself trapped in the British ‘hell hole’ of weather this Christmas…it really is because God fucking hates you.

The other day, whilst sat on a train to Kings Cross, i found a piece of bacon on me. A PIECE OF FUCKING BACON-just chilling with my on the journey of my life!! Not being funny or anything, but I’m meant to be the ultimate Glamour puss, with a sexy disposition. (God i do adore that title!) Even homeless people (who aren’t even asking for money anymore but for your coat,) find a 10p coin and a cigarette on them during these festive but fucked up times. I MAC bronze my cheeks, go to grab my dignity and find BACON in my fucking ‘but gorgeously sequined’ dress. Is that sexy? Yes bitch! Especially because for almost 2.3 seconds i did actually contemplate eating it. (Oh shut up…i’m on a diet. I’m starving…)

Anyway, ‘Lash’ came over last night all smiles and wanting to tell me that if i put an empty wine bottle in the microwave it wouldn’t melt? Hellooo? I’m a staggering socialite on pills. If a wine bottle is empty i’m throwing it at walls in despair,whilst screaming, not doing a fucking science project! He then went on to tell me tha he had 2 imaginary friends. (Hugs not drugs kiddies.) He had named them ‘Malcom and Jonny.’ Hmmm…how appropriate. Wouldn’t it be funny if i did actually imagine ‘Jonny’ and he wasn’t actually a real life person and merely a figment of my over active yet deliciously harmful mind.

I told ‘Lashes’ that he wasn’t very creative with his imaginary friends. Therefore in order to desperately seek my approval he quickly changed them both to Butlers, and named them these other ‘I’m on drugs and maybe a bit black’ names. I can’t even remember them?  By this time he wanted to have a convo about how we’re all these little people, in a giant earth ball of fun, suspended in space, orbitting the sun. We do kinda forget that, don’t we! There’s so much more to this world than our tiny little lives. We get so caught up in ourselves (Who me? Never…) that we sort of forget that we’re merely a really destructive computer game that the big floozy above has created coz she’s bored. We’re like ‘The

Old Enough to really really KNOW better!

Woke up this morning Bloomsbury, London, in a boys baby pink, fully armed crew neck t-shirt, a pair of mens blue & white stripey pyjama bottoms, with an odd hole in the crotch part, four photos of people dressed as bunnies in photo booths, a Paris Hilton poster, a completely hungover gay, who i believe responds to the name

This is why they call us ‘IT’

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There is a blog coming, however for now you’ll simply have to enjoy these pix from last night, as i’m currently going through the merry phases of ‘hangover recovery,’ and i feel like a whole solid ‘4.’  I have no face on, a blanket over my head, and 14 layers of clothes on, with ‘I’m a Celebrity’ on in the background. The blog will come tonight. It will…i promise, yet first my eyes need to begin working. I can’t even remember it AT all. It’s flooding back to me via the fine art of ‘flashback.’ I can’t believe i actually puked!!!  Great Role model. Be ME!

Back to London

It’s around 7.36am (not quite sure exactly,a s every single clock in this darling of a place reads a different time.) I’m up, dressed, groomed and packed as i venture back to London today, simply so i can make the ‘Ultimate Shipwrecked Renuion‘ event. I’ll be going will Samuel, and well we’ve briefly planned our outfits. I know we weren’t on that show, however a party’s a party and it beats slinging it around Soho or Central for the evening. I’m actually excited, as we’ve made a delicious vow to go extremely and utterly trashed, and be completely tragic TWATS! (I do this all the time…therefore it’s almost a walk in the park for me. Hopefully he’ll keep his end of the bargain!)

Last night i laid in bed with my mum and we talked about my love life and why i felt like i wasn’t meeting any ‘handsomes’ who i felt were..i guess the egotistical term would be ‘worthy.’ We laughed, gossiped, then she got hours of entertainment from opening, closing, re-opening and then closing that ‘little white card’ i recieved from ‘Latin Lover.’ It plays ‘I only have eyes fooooor yoooou,‘ whenever you peel it open. And after the 42nd ‘peel’ it suddenly becomes the most hilarious thing you have ever heard! My mum even said ‘So this is how love is shown these days!’ (Opens card. Pisses self.)

I spent my last day in Yorkshire watching ‘How to lose a guy in ten days,‘ surrounded by kittens. I love a good chick flick, but it kinda just reminded me of Mikey my ex-hubby. We once went on this bizarre double date thing with his friend Timmy and some girl. She wanted to watch it…so we did. I remember him looking at me mid-movie, smiling and whilst Kate Hudson was commiting to doing all the ‘crazy girlfriend’ doo-daar said ‘that’s exactly like you!!’ (It was a cute moment. It’s odd that i would remember that? Made me miss him.)

Anyway the remainder of the night was spenton the phone to a boy, who was on a mountain in Vegas. He really pissed me off. I told him about my achievements and my new US manager. Instead of congratulating me…he quickly said ‘Get him to rep me too!‘ How rude!!He doesn’t even do entertainment. I’m not ‘Getting’ anyone to do anything. I’ve done all this by myself. I love how people think the way this little shindig works is that, I do all the hard work, then everyone else  jumps onboard, once i’ve successfully got there. I hate user boys! They’re always way more transparent then user girls for some reason??

I’ve decided not to talk to him, (I’ve had to cut a lot of people out this year) as once again it’s simply another boy who wants to get ahead and the only way he can do it, is by snagging me or draining the only thing that gives me the ‘ooh laa’ and thats my ‘Life Force.’

Godda get on a train….love you. London Bound.

Last Minute Jiggle

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Just got back from a freezing cold last minute, ‘before i head back down to London tomorrow’ shopping spree in Doncaster. Wow, was it cold and kinda not worth it? I couldn’t find any single perfect dress, it was like hunting for the man of my dreams…impossible. However, it didn’t much worry a starlet of amazingness like my jolly over sexed self. I swept an armful of twinkly things, diamonds, and pearls into a basket…sauntered up to the nearest ‘Please pay here,’ and *ching ching*..sold to the Glamour puss with the slanted eyes! (Flashback: I can’t believe i actually once sold my friend in a bar to a stranger for a cigarette!! It was meant to be a joke, but it went too far and being the good friend that i am…& because they also gave me gum, I left my friend with him and he ended up taking him home (yes they were gay.) They spent the evning on a bed, stretching out their willies at each other. It must be odd, just sitting there wanking for one another?? I’d feel all under pressure and like i’d have to put on a ‘show.’ Then comes the *spurt* and just like that..it’s over. The good thing about it all is that you can then ask them their name and call them a taxi home.)

I’m feeling sexy today. Cold but Greatness. I’m the Ultimate glamour puss and well things are going pretty well. Infact so well (here i go tempting fate…i will get over myself,) that i feel like now i have everything planned, i can simply do fuck all and cruise my way through to Jan 1st, easily, safelyand with a smile on my face. I’m just gonna enjoy it, get trashed and sing in the new year ungracefully. I mean i’ve had an amazing year! It’s almost hilarious! I deserve to celebrate the madness & memories. I feel quite lucky but fucking hell it’s cold.

I just got a card through the post from ‘Latin Lover.’ It’s the most gorgeous words of ‘love‘ sent to me in little white card form. It plays music when i open it and reads the most romantically sentimental words. Too bad he’s in a whole other country goddamit! But it was absolutely precious and i adore it when a boy makes the effort to simply tell you (even if it’s indirectly) that he cares. Sometimes it’s what htey don’t say that matters. However,  ‘Latin lover’ isn’t one to shy away. He went all out with his words of love. I love a grand declaration!  Gonna call him in a bit.

I actually met a load of people today during my power hour shopping spree. Often people are scared to stop me, or talk to me and will maybe try and get in my eyeline to have a good look. I always try to make them feel as comfortable as possible. I’m not sure why people think i wouldn’t talk to them?? Yet some of the time, i meet some real ‘Treats!’ And well, most beings who have maybe been on a tv show, will get a ‘Hi…omg, ur so sweet. I loved you.’ I get people of all ages and all walks of lives, from the homeless to movie stars, who will stop me and instead of commiting to the ‘i loved you’ they instead tell me a really dirty joke, or a really big secret. Or tell me about something tremedously naughty that they did, with a sheer face of excitment, awaiting my approval. They tell me about times they’ve lied, stolen, or shagged their own grandfather. It’s amazing what i end up finding out!!

I get mums who are addicted to drugs and need an ear. Children who want to be glamour pusses or floozies. Boys who want to feel my bitchy boobies. I get asked dating advice galore and this is all on the when they meet me on the street…i’m like everyones best friend. I even had a lady (who i didn’t at all know, looke about 42) who was stood next to me in a clothing store one time. She grabbed something off the rail, eyed it up for a while. held it up infront of herself, turned around to face me and said ‘Chrissie dya think I can i get away with wearing this??’ Aww…i loved it.

Everyone sort of opens up to me. They tell me everything about their lives that they could maybe never tell anyone. I mean they don’t even know why they do it?? But it is easier to tell a starnger. Half of the mums stop, laugh and say ‘i can’t believe i’ve just told someone that!! i’ve never told anyone!!’ And i just love it. I mean, i’m as down to earth as it gets! I just look like i’m not. I’ll take a dirty secret from you, anyday! I’m good at adapting to my environment. And you know what, it beats an ‘i don’t really care‘ fake smile & wave anyday. I’m not that girl.

Infact my friends get more mad at me getting stopped then i do. Yet i think it’s because the attentions not on them. I never get mad at it…I truely love it. (Well  apart from when i had to hide in the back of a car today!)

Headed back to London tomorrow. It’s the Shipwrecked Reunion party and i’m going with Sammie. I’m honestly not quite ready to leave Yorkshire just yet.  🙁

A Mere little Shunning…

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Oh my god. I told this boy i liked him and he SHUNNED me. I am mildly gutted, but then part of me is twisted so i’m almost finding it hilarious. I used to be the dear apple of his eye, yet couldn’t sign the ‘commitment’ papers,  due to being with another. Loyalty is over rated!! (At times dating can be annoying, if you’re with the wrong person and want to be with someone else. Yet I’m never too worried, as men are like shoes. I tend to wear them out, until they’re all beaten, broken and all kinds of hate me. They soon leave. I soon move on.)

Anyway, i told him i liked him after he made very distinct advances. Then he SHUNNED me, after laughter!! ( I must have missed the funny part?) Followed with an ‘i bet you’ve never got turned down before!’ Almost as if he did it on purpose to humiliate me and humiliate me whilst i was in Prada with a feather woven FAN. (Eww..) I’m not some  invincible, all men want me machine of ‘love goddess.’ I’m just a handful of a girl from Yorkshire… that got lucky. I have feelings too. You just can’t see them under my 14 layers of fake bake. I strutted away like i didn’t have a care in the world, with a christmas bauble oddly in my handbag?? Some people have the sense to steal worthwhile crap. I stole a glitter ridden ball of red. I mean you don’t want me on your team of survival. ‘Go find us food Wunna!’ (*Gets confused, shows you her boobs, and produces a handbag of baubles.*)

As i walked ( i’m currently doing a lot of ‘strutting away’ ) he calls me back to him all sexy and ‘bedroom,’ with the misconception that he was gaining control.  Then with an ‘I’m kidding…lets get lunch.’ (I remember him being bizarrely surrounded by a million bar Christmas trees and a singing lampost type robot thing, with a face on.) I look, i smile, quickly reply bbm to someone about  midgets. Then quite sexily utter the words, ‘I think you just missed your window of opportunity Mister.‘ (Winks. Turns around. Leaves building.) And that’s what i call ‘Oooh laa.’

ps/Forgot to tell you that 7 minutes later i recieved a text from him reading ‘You sexy F****** bitch.’ (Works every time.)