Well, i had an awful night. I should’nt have really even bothered. But it was eye opening, therefore i’m glad it happened. I had just got in from work and well i had a little boy, who i’m going to refer to as ‘Zero’ (and simply because that’s what all my friends call him) basically persuades me to go into Central and go out for ‘boozey’ one. I was reluctant, couldn’t really be bothered, but after ‘Zero’s’ bbm begging… I found myself around a table of people all looking for a good time. (I actually liked everyone else.)
All i’m gonna say is it was a night of too much drinking, verbal and physical abuse, infantile behaviour, hate, hurt, broken dreams, lies, manipulation, users and changes of sexual preference, to Lady Gaga. (And that was all by that one little boy. ‘ZERO’ I think we named him? And all because i suggested he was ‘gay.’) I mean, i knew it’d happen. He’s gone back to his old ways of being rather abusive and lying pathological. Yet this time you can add ‘Oh and violent’ to his resume. I’m not sure how he hasn’t realized that people talk? What a silly boy. Everything he says is a lie, because he has to WRONGLY lie to himself, in order to believe his life is worth anything. Which is bad because i believe everyone’s life is precious. I don’t know what’s happened to him, but i’m tired of him falling. And i had also heard that he tried to make out that i’m obsessed with him, which firstly would make no sense…when deep down all he wishes is that i was. (We fight a lot, but this was alcohol fueled. Not a nice combination. I’m over it now. But yeah…not nice.)
Last night, he basically told me he wanted me ‘to die.’ (Which is nice of him… because 2 weeks ago, when he was actually wanting to, i was there for him whole heartedly. Holding him up emotionally. Making sure he was okay. He’s a coward.) His words don’t mean anything to me, because he’s a pathological untruth teller. He means NOTHING he says ever. He might aswell been talking about penguins and fairytales and pies with horns on. Then he just went on about how he only ‘used me for money’ because he was poor. (Not really anything to brag about. lol. At least he finally admitted it. And the good thing about being the person ‘being used’ for money…is the fact that you actually HAVE it.) I slapped him because he deserved it. He likes physically assaulting girls. Then ‘Zero’ oddly like a twisted fuck, repeatedly kept saying ‘since the breakup, you’ve been trying to ruin my life.’ (He’s in a dream world and thinks he’s Peter fucking Andre or something. Hahah…) Firstly, i’m not in the jolly habit of ruining lives. Not in these shoes. It doesn’t go with my outfit. I give out love, not hate. I’ve made my name from being a cheeky, love bunny. And secondly the way i see it is ‘since the breakup’ HE’s been trying to ruin his OWN life.
End of the night, we’re on a night bus, the N29. He’d brought along a guy, who i guess is his boyfriend? (A bit of a shocker…for everyone.) I had been crying, i’d been rained on and i was sitting on the bus quietly glaring out of the window, with tears rolling down my cheeks, whilst he poorly attempted to verbally abused me. I watched him stand there, this little broken boy of 20, (with the emotional stability of a 15 yr old) really really drunk, falling all over the place, and saying what he ‘thought’ would hurt me. And claiming he was ‘still going to make it’…(career wise) and that one day i would ‘sell stories on him?’ (Erm…yeah.) It was like watching a train wreck. That was what hurt me. He blamed me for the evenings events…i mean…he would. Lots of ‘YOU did this!’ I asked him ‘HOW’ i had done anything? He couldn’t give me an answer! (What a surprise!) Everything he told me he hated me for, are all the things he is. Weird right? He doesn’t even like himself very much…..still!!! He’s threatened by me because i’m strong. It terrifies him, because he knows he’s not okay. ‘ZERO’ needs to hate me, in order to beable to get on with his life. How many times is he going to fall!
Then i stopped zoned out for a second as he was still rambling on about nonsense. I looked at him and saw Kat. They’re two of a kind, she would always have these moments of self loathing. I’d watch her through them. I looked away, through the window, as he fell about the place, and i cried. He thought i was crying because he had upset me. I was crying because for the first time i didn’t hate him…i actually pitied him. I felt better than him. When he had finished rambling…he let me talk. All i said quietly (through tears) was, ‘I really hope you do make it. More than anything.’
I think sometimes people are far too ‘fallen.’ You can’t help them. I’m very good at holding people up. But this one i’m choosing to walk away from. He’s not ready to be living in London, with a dream and without a parent. Not ready to know someone like me. He’s far too emotionally unstable and needs help. I looked at ‘Matthew’ the boy that he took home. A good guy. I’m gonna let him look after him now. It’s like passing around a child. I’ve got too much on to beable to deal with ‘Zero’ right now. This morning he woke up with a boy in his bed. This morning i woke up and went to a film set. We’re in different places. I only want good people around me.
I personally am finding London a walk in the park. I’m loving it. It’s being very very good to me. I feel positive, happy and well my career is going dandily. I’ve made my dreams come true. And i’m lucky. Don’t let losers hold you back. Remember those that ‘hate’ you, are usually doing a lot worse than you. Now make your dreams come true and don’t fucking DRINK!