Tricking and a Treating

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This time many moons ago, i remember being dressed as a ‘Horny Devil’ in LA and going out on a date to Hermosa beach with a boy named Dylan who was dressed as ‘Action Man.’ He couldn’t afford to buy me drinks, so kept making me drink out of a hip flask. (I hated it.) We went back to his and a had a bit of a character ‘rumpy.’ Odd, but funny. Then on another occasion i was dressed as a ‘slutty cave girl’ just broken up with my boyfriend Ryan, told i looked like a tranny and stopped my friend from wanting to jump off the roof of a building, because i wanted a mango margarita and ‘killing yourself’ always comes after that! Drink first. Jump later.

Another time, i was not dressed up at all, but in a giant white fur coat and diamonds at The Abbey (a big Gay bar in West hollywood.) The only straight boy, (hot one too) found me, asked if I was dressed as ‘Lil Kim.’ He asked me out after i verbally abused him, (never a good sign) followed me and friends back to mine and ended up in my bed for cuddles. He didn’t have condoms, so i made him literally jump out of my sheets and run miles to the nearest gas station to get some, only for me to be asleep…in fur. He remembered my number by me simply shouting it at him across a crowded room. I’m still impressed by that, to this day. Then i carved pumpkins with my lawyer roomate and his girlfriend and destroyed theirs, as mine had gone a bit wrong. Hahahah…I love my life!! Woohoo!

Another Halloween, i did the West Hollywood carnivale dressed as a belly dancer, and was carried by GAY muscle bound Heros, who worshipped me and sang on cue. I found a husband that night. Lucky really. He got stuck in a Portaloo. (Lol) This time last year i cried in my PJ’s…because i had just got booted off a show. I’m having flashback galore!!

Life is a Wunnaful thing. Live it. Love it. Make your dreams come true my babies! I love you a great deal. Everyone in the world is wishing each other a ‘Happy Halloween.’ It’s bringing us all together and i’m LOVING  it. Hope you have fun!!

Halloween, Dates and Sarcasm

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About to got out for Halloweeeny! Last night i was a ‘slutty sparrow’ and according to the Urban Dicitionary  I looked like the ‘pubic area of a virgin.’ And i’ll give’em that because anytime the word ‘VIRGIN‘ and Chrissie Wunna’ come into the same sentence, i feel pretty proud. Like it’s a sick achievement of some sort. I’m just doing everything backwards. I was born a ‘hussy’ but i’ll end up all ‘Pure‘ and whatnot. (

I’m a F****** Sparrow…Now MOVE!

Hey my lovelies…i’m a bit drunk so bare with me…or don’t…I don’t care…I’m drunk. Okay so today i had 3 great meetings. I was completed knackered, as i didn’t get to bed until 3am the night before. (Due to time differences and not partying…before you start…You tramps!) Anyway, the first was an interview for a mag. The third was sniffing scents and all that jazz for my own FRAGRANCE!! (Yes you heard! Woohoo. Made me a bit dizzy actually.) And the second ( i am aware i did this in a weird order) was a meeting with a ‘darling’ of the name ‘John Roberts’ (Jonny Jonny Rob Rob) who asked to meet me on Regent street today around lunch for a little bit of a proposition!

Okay ‘John Roberts’ has a show he is producing and after auditioning many a melodramatic female and all other kinds of ‘whoop-dees,’ for a part that would consist of being somewhat ‘Bridget Jones,’ yet ‘somewhat Kim Catrall’ in

Meetings, Monkies & an X-tra Large Willy

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Due to my sheer idiotic ‘Greatness’ and warped sense of saucy humour…I am being an impossible act to follow. (Applaud here please.) I’m blowing people (oooh-er) out the murky waters with an ‘ooh laa’ galore. I’m feeling more popular than ever right now. I don’t even know how all of this is happenning? But my blog is getting hailed as one of the  ‘most interesting’ things to read (which cracks me up) and i’m doing an interview today for a magazine that wish to feature Me because i’m apparently on my way to being one of this generations biggest inspirations in cyberland. (I always thought ‘midget-doo-daa- porn’ was…but NO my pretties, you can add the name ‘Chrissie Wunna’ to that catergory of sheer marvel. Yes you can!) I’m a Cyberlebrity! Fuck i only have 5 more minutes to write this whole blog. I have meetings today….only 3, but good ones! (I’m doing them all in pink and fur boots.)

Team Wunna/Hextall & a little bit of Hampton

It’s Tooo darn HOTT…& Chicken

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I didn’t break my vow of celebacy last night, so ‘in your face’ lovers!! Will power much? Read a comment from one of my below blogs. The last time i made a vow of celebacy, My LA friend ‘DK’ (A man who actually saved my life, even though i accidentally almost burnt his home down) bet that i would break it in 1 week. I broke it in 24 hours, with a Bodyguard, who had a penis extention and guarded the Body of Britney

Don’t think i won’t get a Sumo

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OmG! I’m having the busiest work day. Luckily it’s all sunny and ‘ooh,’ as my body can’t function in the brisk London air. (Now pass me my Diors and let me shimmie through Wednesday with a vixen pout and a ‘laaa’ so viscious.) Today, i’ve ‘tantrumed’ because i now want a real life sumo wrestler, to guard me. And the tragic thing is, that i’m not even joking. I want a sumo, in his full ‘get up’ to guard my body and i want to name him ‘Rosie’ and kinda like NOW! It’s sooooo Chrissie Wunna. I need it to happen. And i want my assistant to be a butler, or a ‘Mini me.’ (Karaaaateeee Chop!)

Okay so today, i have been on a baby shoot…did a little interview for Asia. (They’re good to me and mail me gifts!) I can be bought, now don’t you worry. I did a talk for who i thought were going to be teenagers…at a school, well college. Anyhow, they ended up being rather intelligent adults..around my age and above! OMG! I’ve never been so nervous. (My ‘people’ thought it would be better that i didn’t know, as i APPARENTLY work better ‘on the spot.’ On the spot? Nobody does anything on the spot.. but sleep. Well unless it’s my ‘G’ spot ofcourse. Then it’s a very busy place. Anyhow, I naturally flourish in an uncomfortable moment.) It was a media class, who have been studying me and my blog and well they invited me in, to do a ‘Q&A,’ and well chat to them on my views on LOVE and LIFE. I was terrified. But it went soooo well. The Wunna (who wants a pet sumo wrestler) is now educating Grown ups. Be scared, be very scared. They even gifted me with wine!!! I fucking LOVE my LIFE!!! Finally my words are making a difference. (IN YOUR FACE!!)

I now have one more meeting, then i have to trek back to an office and hopefully get a pedicure on the way. The whole entire time, i’ve been working, i’ve been facebook chatting to you all and I love it. I’m so nosey. I love to have a good old rummage in not only your pants, but your deliciously mysterious lives. You guys tell me everything. And i like that we all have secrets. It’s sexy, armed with bedroom eyes!

Okay on the boy front, you all want to know what’s a cracking. Well i took a vow of celebacy and that’s probably going to get broken tonight. I can’t help it. I was born this way. I love my body and i love to flaunt it. And i admire anyone who to can give their ‘bodywork’ a good old shimmie and not give damn. Celebrate it! I’m passionate, i’m loving and i have a lot to give. 😉 Yeah there’s a lot of boys i’m talking to, who believe they could be potential suitors from all walks of life. (Yet, I’m not too sure?) I don’t ‘play‘ them. And i don’t because (and this is gonna sound egotistical) I DON’T HAVE TO!!! I’m getting a lot of attention. I’m just having fun. That’s what life is for and that’s what boys love about Me. My arm candy is currently ‘Lashes,’ who i’m hanging out with tonight. Having that shitty experience with ‘Zero’ really made me appreciate ‘decency’ in Men, and that’s what ‘Lash‘ is. A man who is successful at life and being a human being. Kinda like I am. (Am i really just dating myself?? lol)  We’re gonna have a quiet one at mine, with feasts and booze and telly. We’re close and well i trust him. We’re on the same level and mindset. He’s like ‘Latin lover’…. strong!! And i like that he can take the piss out of himself.

Today, i was told i was a bit of a gay icon. (Not  whole piece…but a ‘bit of one.’ lol.) I love it. I love my gays! U are beautiful!! And i was told that they love me because i’m strong, and independant, i love my life and i make my own money. It really meant a lot to me. Therefore thankyou ‘Deeva.‘ Winky wink pout. Things like that keep me strong! Knowing that i’m setting an example and i’m doing it in diamonds. Now where’s my fucking sumo!

Cocktails, Cuddles and a bit of ‘Ooh Laa’ Pie

Just got back from drinks, work and feasts with my darling soldiers. They’re all sat on my bed, watching ‘

I know a lot of people, i have a lot of great friends, really close ones and well after a dodgey last night, i was determind to stay positive, warm hearted and ‘ooh la la.’ And that my lovelies.. i did. Proving you can never keep a good Glamour Puss down. Cutting a tie has felt really good, really healthy and i’m smiling in the comfort that i can look at my life and think ‘Yeah…i’ve done a dandy’ and completely by accident. (Code for a WHOLE LOT of work.) Even my mum called me today to hear all about the drama. I think she just laughed and gave me the ‘i’m so proud ‘ of you speechy weechy. (Cute!) Thankyou for all my letters and messages. You guys are inspriring. I learn from you, just as much as you learn from me. (I’m having a rather enticing cocktail, the prettiest cocktail i have ever spied, being thrusted at Me, with a vigor so ‘umphy’ it could send a tingle down your spine.) I have a teddy, (given to me by a fan) called ‘Dildo.’ He’s getting a little frisky and doesn’t enjoy being shoved down my top, to be pretend ‘boobies’ whilst i shimmie.

On the boy front, ‘Lashes‘ is being a darling. A Hero. He’s an intelligent, loving, honest guy and well was really upset about how ill treated i was by ‘Zero.’ He said, ‘i know it’s disheartening, but there’s only a small minority of idiots.He wants to give him a good old beating, but figures ‘Zero’ would like it too much, and get him to do it, with a thong on, after smearing himself in baby oil to Barry Manilow, and try and eat his ‘willy’ off.

 But anyway, i’m happy, i’m positive. I’m still rocking the sexy. It’s good to know you have a ‘Lashes’ in your life and a cocktail in your hand, and a sumo wrestler on your bed. He was the first person to call me this morning, (‘Lash’ not the sumo) made me smile, brought out the best in me. And well I love it, when we just lay in bed, watch Eastenders, and giggle at each other. He sees me without my face on (God help him) and thinks i’m beautiful, even after i’ve spooned him and farted on his leg. I’ve been working a lot so i haven’t had chance to really get my ‘cuddles’ on. But i will in a couple days! I love cuddles I give them to everyone.

Anyway, i do have to go and tend to my ‘Darlings’ who are littering my bed, with nonsense and memories. My building made me what i call ‘Ooh Laa’ pie, (it’s a pie, that makes you feel sexy) because they felt bad for me. I love a bit of pity pie. It’s all warm and delicious and great with swear words. They thought it would remind me of Yorkshire and put a smile on my little ‘doll face,’ as they call it, since i had a night of ‘shitarroo.’ They saw me stumble in, in tears. Team Wunna Rocks. I’m the luckiest little Princess of ‘Va Voom.’

A Little Boy Named ‘Zero.’

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Well, i had an awful night. I should’nt have really even bothered. But it was eye opening, therefore i’m glad it happened. I had just got in from work and well i had a little boy, who i’m going to refer to as ‘Zero’ (and simply because that’s what all my friends call him) basically persuades me to go into Central and go out for ‘boozey’ one. I was reluctant, couldn’t really be bothered, but after ‘Zero’s’ bbm begging… I found myself around a table of people all looking for a good time. (I actually liked everyone else.)

All i’m gonna say is it was a night of too much drinking, verbal and physical abuse, infantile behaviour, hate, hurt, broken dreams, lies, manipulation, users and changes of sexual preference, to Lady Gaga. (And that was all by that one little boy. ‘ZERO’ I think we named him? And all because i suggested he was ‘gay.’) I mean, i knew it’d happen. He’s gone back to his old ways of being  rather abusive and lying pathological. Yet this time you can add ‘Oh and violent’ to his resume. I’m not sure how he hasn’t realized that people talk? What a silly boy. Everything he says is a lie, because he has to WRONGLY lie to himself, in order to believe his life is worth anything. Which is bad because i believe everyone’s life is precious. I don’t know what’s happened to him, but i’m tired of him falling. And i had also heard that he tried to make out that i’m obsessed with him, which firstly would make no sense…when deep down all he wishes is that i was. (We fight a lot, but this was alcohol fueled. Not a nice combination. I’m over it now. But yeah…not nice.)

Last night, he basically told me he wanted me ‘to die.’ (Which is nice of him… because 2 weeks ago, when he was actually wanting to, i was there for him whole heartedly. Holding him up emotionally. Making sure he was okay. He’s a coward.) His words don’t mean anything to me, because he’s a pathological untruth teller. He means NOTHING he says ever. He might aswell been talking about penguins and fairytales and pies with horns on. Then he just went on about how he only ‘used me for money’ because he was poor. (Not really anything to brag about. lol. At least he finally admitted it. And the good thing about being the person ‘being used’ for money…is the fact that you actually HAVE it.) I slapped him because he deserved it. He likes physically assaulting girls. Then ‘Zero’ oddly like a twisted fuck, repeatedly kept saying ‘since the breakup, you’ve been trying to ruin my life.’ (He’s in a dream world and thinks he’s Peter fucking Andre or something. Hahah…) Firstly, i’m not in the jolly habit of ruining lives. Not in these shoes. It doesn’t go with my outfit. I give out love, not hate. I’ve made my name from being a cheeky, love bunny. And secondly the way i see it is ‘since the breakup’ HE’s been trying to ruin his OWN life.

End of the night, we’re on a night bus, the N29. He’d brought along a guy, who i guess is his boyfriend? (A bit of a shocker…for everyone.) I had been crying, i’d been rained on and i was sitting on the bus quietly glaring out of the window, with tears rolling down my cheeks, whilst he poorly attempted to verbally abused me. I watched him stand there, this little broken boy of 20, (with the emotional stability of a 15 yr old) really really drunk, falling all over the place, and saying what he ‘thought’ would hurt me. And claiming he was ‘still going to make it’…(career wise) and that one day i would ‘sell stories on him?’ (Erm…yeah.) It was like watching a train wreck. That was what hurt me. He blamed me for the evenings events…i mean…he would. Lots of ‘YOU did this!’ I asked him ‘HOW’ i had done anything? He couldn’t give me an answer! (What a surprise!)  Everything he told me he hated me for, are all the things he is. Weird right? He doesn’t even like himself very much…..still!!! He’s threatened by me because i’m strong. It terrifies him, because he knows he’s not okay. ‘ZERO’ needs to hate me, in order to beable to get on with his life. How many times is he going to fall!

Then i stopped zoned out for a second as he was still rambling on about nonsense. I looked at him and saw Kat. They’re two of a kind, she would always have these moments of self loathing. I’d watch her through them. I looked away, through the window, as he fell about the place, and i cried. He thought i was crying because he had upset me. I was crying because for the first time i didn’t hate him…i actually pitied him. I felt better than him. When he had finished rambling…he let me talk. All i said quietly (through tears) was, ‘I really hope you do make it. More than anything.’

I think sometimes people are far too ‘fallen.’ You can’t help them. I’m very good at holding people up. But this one i’m choosing to walk away from. He’s not ready to be living in London, with a dream and without a parent. Not ready to know someone like me. He’s far too emotionally unstable and needs help. I looked at ‘Matthew’ the boy that he took home. A good guy. I’m gonna let him look after him now. It’s like passing around a child. I’ve got too much on to beable to deal with ‘Zero’ right now. This morning he woke up with a boy in his bed. This morning i woke up and went to a film set. We’re in different places. I only want good people around me.

I personally am finding London a walk in the park. I’m loving it. It’s being very very good to me. I  feel positive, happy and well my career is going dandily. I’ve made my dreams come true. And i’m lucky. Don’t let losers hold you back. Remember those that ‘hate’ you, are usually doing a lot worse than you. Now make your dreams come true and don’t fucking DRINK!

 

I’m Shooting, Yes I am, I am….

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I’m carrying logs. I don’t know why i am, but i am. I’m also on my delicious period…this is my second one this month. (Due to a little problem i had earlier in the month.) At first i just thought i was literally gushing blood, from my ‘Lady Part’ and dying. It happened whilst i was watching ‘The Twins’ on X-factor. However, it’ s been confirmed, that I’m simply, ‘on the blob.’ God is punishing me by making me bleed from my ‘darling’ all irregularly. It’s awkard really? I’m bleeding over alsorts. I feel like i’m staining my trail of jiggery pokery. If you have a job, where you don’t wear many clothes, then really…your fucked. I think i bled on a puppy this morning.

Anyway, i am actually at work today. I’m on a break, but on a shoot. One in public. Lots of you can see me right now. I’m waving! And i’m dressed as a builder, well a construction worker. But one that’s a girl , likes frilly knickers and is a bit of a slut. (OOooh.) I love dressing up, and being in sexy uniform type pokery. It makes me feel powerful AND i get to keep my outfit after throwing a tantrum. I’m actually shooting this with real life construction men, who are getting mildy sexual harrassed by me. They’ve made me cups of tea and everything! Great weather for a shoot like this. Usually men of this sort are all ‘whistle whistle, love ya tits.’ Yet these guys are actually all a bit shy now i’m standing right infront of them in hardly any clothes. (Awww…) I’m digging up London. It’s so cute. I have diamonds dangling from my ears and a neon waistcoat thing on, with a yellow hard hat, fucking up my hair!  (They don’t know i’m making little red puddles in my knicker crackers though! LOL)

 I have a tough work schedule this week and i’m getting through it with sarcasm, winks and a really good boob job.  (Don’t hate.) People are shooting in their party suggestions and all that jazz, for this years crappy halloween bonanza. I’m wanting to get dressed up…but i don’t know what as? I’m gonna go to that massive fancy dress store in like Camden and pick something a little bit ‘ooh’ and a little bit silly really. And i’m not sticking to the ‘it has to be something Halloweeney’ rules. In LA you can be anything and i think that’s a good thing to try and promote. Plus i have the title of ‘Chrissie Wunna’ which means i can really do whatever i want.

Oh and i’m on a diet! An awful one! OMG! Now i hate diets, and dieters…i think they are for losers (like me when i was 20) who foolishly believe they’re over weight for no reason. If you are on a diet too young, it will completely fuck up your body, when you get old. And ‘old’ believe it or not, is when you need to look HOT. (Not when your young.) Diets were made for people with maybe a medical illness, or allergies, or people who well you get the drift of it all. And it’s funny to me how EVERYONE is on one?? Teenagers even! Your not fat! Or sick? I’m not actually even on a diet for me. I’m on one for my friend as moral support..which sucks hairy balls. Therefore basically the crack-a-lack is….I tell her i’m on the diet with her and when i’m not with her (and that’s all the time, due to work) i stuff my face and pretend i’ve been on the diet the whole entire time. WOOHOO) I can’t be restricted to food groups and measurements. I’m the Queen of fucking Greatness. Only dorks are on diets! Eat! Be happy! Be Merry!