I’m In The Mood For Love

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Woke up this morning and pretended I was still asleep as i had an old lady pottering around me and trying to grab my attention before I could grab my own attention. I’m not so keen on such behaviour. It seems that yeah I’m an attention whore, yet i dislike that trait in others. (lol.) I think it was more the way she was commiting to the art of ‘Look at Me.‘ I like beings  to tend to such business, in a light hearted, almost silly, ‘i can make fun of myself’ way. And not to attempt to ‘Attention whore’ it, in a ‘I need sympathy-poor poor me’ kind of way. It reminded me of Carrie in the BBF house. I used to hate how she would cry and make everyone gather and be forced to ‘aww…poor thing’  around her for a bit of attention. It’s not my style. I cry when my heart actually hurts or i need to release tension. But you know what, i’m a lot less of an attention whore nowadays. I’m growing up and growing out of it. It seems it just happens to find me now, rather than me having to ‘whore’ for it. Lucky really.

Anyway, so lots of you may know that i’m moving to London for a little bit, and i’ve currently found my perfect appartment. I found 2 in a day and both are delicious. They’re brand new, gorgeous Bachelorette pads, all lovely and ME and well hopefully i’ll be moving in one by the beginning of next month. Woo-hoo! One is massive, and i mean ginormous, with an island kitchen..( i always try and imagine where i would be drinking cocktails in it)  like i could honestly do my version of cribs in it and it’s in south kensington. The other is smaller, yet AMAZING…already equipped with everything your heart could desire, deliciously put together, wonderfully decorated, like almost designer. Yet i’m just waiting for the guy to give me the nod of approval, as i guess he’s a little jaded, due to past tenants not giving him rent or something? I love the place, but his skeptical ways are putting me off. Either way, the ‘Good Time’ gods will direct me to the right one.

Oh god, i’m currently addicted to couselling. Isn’t that awful. I’m craving it all day everyday now and can’t settle for a once a week thing. I mean a lot of ‘jiggery’ happens in my life on a daily basis, and i need to let it out. My blog use to help me do that, however now there’s a whole ‘life’ behind the blog that you all don’t know about. Therefore i’m only 1/4 cleansed by typing out of my ‘tragicness,’ I thought therapy was meant to cure me, not make me addicted to things. Maybe i just enjoy the sound of my own voice. I said that to her…and all I got was a sarcastic, ‘Who…you? Noooo way…’ But it could be worse. At least i’m addicted to getting better and not to crunchy drugs , poking prozzies or stealing lamps. My addiction is far less sexy. But saying that it is about Me, and well that makes it sizzle. (OOh laaa!)

Oh fuck, had an awful Irish man yell at Me this morning. I love the Irish, cos you can steal their wallets when they’re drunk and blame it on some ‘beefcake,’ who’ll they’ll decide to ‘head first’ beat up, to really feel better about their manhood. Anyway, i’m at a coffee shop, having a tall latte. A man comes up to me, who is making it obvious that  he may want to ‘sausage’ me. (Eww…) I hate that. It grosses me out when they’ve got faces like bulldogs & go on about how big their cock is. He asks m whether he can sit down. I say ‘No.’ Then he decides to anyway and quite cockily tries to mind game me, by pre-judging my personality. I didn’t say one word and waited for him to delightfully hang himself. He came up to me all, ‘You’d be doing whatever i said, you don’t know yourself, your lost, you live for others.’ (Note to all girls, when men do this to you, when they don’t actually know you…it’s just a line, to try and get to shag you.They try the ‘i’m the only one who understands you’ line…which i actually think is manipulative and disgusting!!) If you have to trick someone into dating you, then you have no self worth. He didn’t know me at all. Don’t let men bully you. He had pre thought, ‘insecure bimbo’ and tried to line his way into my knickers. I’M NOT THAT AT ALL. Infact more than ever, i feel confident, powerful and completely together right now. Hence why i let him say his piece…let him pathetically wither infront of Me. I waited…caused a 7 second silence, then WENT TO TOWN ON HIM.

I’m not gonna tell you what i said…it was only 4 lines. It was sharp, it was sexy. He was shocked, he was hurt. It was clever, it was honest and well let me say when you have a gang of coffee drinking boys cheering at you, and doing ‘oh no way’ faces at the poor unfortunate soul of a man..then you know you’ve earnt your ‘Va Voom.’ I got into my Beamer and zoomed off into the distance, leaving a trail of ‘ooh laa’ behind me.

Last night, i got the most heartfelt letter from a Mother of a lovely girl that reads the blog and it really moved me…she’s going through an awful lot and i’m going to reply to her and help her through things. (I’ve just had a disgusting girl, go on at me on Twitter about how i’m a ‘nobody’ and shouldn’t get off on ‘fan mail.’ And you know what that’s the ‘beauty’ of Chrissie Wunna…just this girl that lives & writes about her life. ‘Fan mail’ is  great because it means you are inspiring souls. ‘Hate mail’ means there are still awful beings in the world, who don’t like to see others doing well. But still means ya popular. lol) I get a lot of people opening up to me about their deep rooted issues and I love it as i feel like i’m helping people through life….that isn’t ‘fan mail’ that’s a true life ‘openning up,’ to someone.  There’s girls with secret eating problems, men with sexual problems, people with drug problems, girls who are now inspired to do well in life and follow their dreams who write to Me and people never know that i get these letters on a daily. I’m not just a party princess…i’m actually changing lives.

I’m in the mood for love. My heart is a flutter… You know i’m a great deal more ‘love bunny’ than you all think. I believe in fairytale ‘love’ and that sheets are to be shared. But I think i’ve already met the person that I would enjoy spending the rest of my life with and who would make a great father to my ‘not yet had’ children. I always know who i like. I think i’m just going to cuddle people all day, then make them mine forever. (Hahah…that’s a bit sick really.) I’m a commitment girl, a wonderful girl and although fun…i’m a hopeless romantic..and i’m ready to find my ‘Knight.’ Join Me…

That Powerful Gut Instinct…

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Morning all. I had a delicious lie in today and an even more delicious ‘moment’ to myself. But then i got rudely snapped back to reality, by an evil stream of ever-going text messages from friends stating that I was extremely GAY for not wanting to get drunk with them tonight. I’ve got a lot on right now, and if you want to do well in life…you’ve got to well…work harder. I’ve been out loads. Yet now because they nagged me & name called i’m like ‘Ugh, i can’t be arsed.’ (lol.) Then as i’m going through all the things that i have to complete today. I have deadline galore. I get a call from ‘Latin lover’ who basically wanted me to sympathize with him for no real reason & tried to guilt trip me into loving him. I hate that. When i’m on work mode, I’m on work mode and i’m completely immune to the art of the ‘guilt trip.’ I think i just grumbled, yelled a bit and then hung up. Why does nobody understand that i’ve got a lot on?? It’s like you get nagged at and ridiculed for actually wanting to do what you want. I’m far to sober to appreciate the ‘pokey-prod-nag-nag’ marlarky right now.

Okay big thing today. I was talking to a friend last night who believes that life has been really shit to him and made him feel like living another day of it, would be almost pointless. (Pass the razors!!) I’m the kinda girl that has always done lots, done everything, been everywhere, loved life, experienced the best of it, dandily. And well it’s because i’ve always done exactly want i WANTED in life. I’ve never listenned to ANYONE, not even my own Mother. EVER!! Now she knows to not bug me. I mean she couldn’t stop me as a child from doing what I Knew was right for Me and NO-ONE CAN. No-one has the right to tell you how to be. Infact it’s important to discover life on your own. I believe that’s why i’m happy because i know that i’m lucky to have strength, to search for my own answers. I Know that I could die tomorrow, and gleefully rest with the amazing life i’ve lived. Everything i’ve ever wanted to do, i’ve done and that’s NOT because i’ve just been dealt good cards ( and i get that i have, before you all start)…it’s because i’ve always chose and done whatever i’ve believed was right for ME, (and yeah people have had a go…but it kinda worked out) regardless as to what anyone thought. Doing what you want….makes you happy, which makes you a successful human being. Nothing is out of reach. Do not let others, smother you. Or be scared of how they will react. Do not let fear control you. It’s WRONG!! Fear is not ‘love’ and you need ‘love’ to be happy with choices in this life. I don’t know how your not getting this?? But i’m slowly beginning to see how people are actually living…and it upsets me. I’m so annoyed.

It doesn’t matter if you want to run around the streets naked, be a lawyer, be a drunk, poke a prostitute, have a forbidden love, deliver the milk, spank a monkey, tickle a midget, be a cowboy, the President or a fucking banker!!!  No matter what it is…if it makes you happy & you want it to be part of YOUR story…. DO IT!!! Who cares what anyone thinks?? They do not have the rights to your life. I’ve walked so many different paths in life, by choice, for fun. Lived so many different lives carelessly, fearlessly and happily. And LOVED every second. If you are not happy, (and this is harsh) it’s your own fault. Flip a bitch. Change it!!!

You really have to make Life something you love, or you’ll spend the rest of it wondering why your ’empty’…or have a constant unfilled void, a sense of  loss, or longing. If you are stuck in a job you hate…fucking LEAVE it. If you love a person you shouldn’t…fuck it.. LOVE them. If you feel smothered, and powerless. LEAVE and find who YOU are. If there’s a dream you need to make come true… DO IT. It will happen if you are happy. If you want to feel free…make this world your playground. I didn’t understand how many of you were merely existing instead of living. I really didn’t, even some of my closest friends. I honestly thought everyone always did whatever they wanted. I was raised like that. But it really seems not. People are doing things they neever wanted to do. Things they’re not remotely happy with. They’re in ruts and stuck. Or having to still listen to Mum. I’ve have people come to me and say they ‘envy my existance’ (My life) EVERYDAY. I never knew why?? But now i’m starting to get it…(as i really open my eyes)

I have the life I have.. because I made it this way. I chose it. I was never scared of making a choice and was always pretty ballsy. I’ve run my life flawlessly, really commanded my ship and enjoyed every second of it, with a cocktail and a demon dance move. I’ve loved, i’ve lived, i’ve laughed because i’ve always done what MADE me HAPPY. Dreams come true, but you have to have the ‘spark’ to make that leap of faith. I inspire that in people and that’s why i want to meet you all. Take your hand and guide you through it, with me. We all need help and i’m great and helping people discover happiness. Like i said to my friend last night. I’m really happy with how i’m living and in a way i think i’m in a position to give back and help you guys live the life you want. Make you happy. It will change your life.

Anything can happen. You can DO anything. When i was a little girl, i told my Mother ‘That’s it i’m moving to Hollywood.’ And I did…immediately, with nothing but a dream and a suitcase.  I decided i was gonna go to a performing arts school over there…I did. I wanted to marry a movie star (young dream lol) I FUCKING DID!!  I attracted it to myself because i was genuinely happy. I wanted to write a book…I AM. I wanted to get through the auditions of the ‘Hilton show’…i did and knew i would. It’s all about confidence, self belief and trusting your gut instinct. My GUT instinct is phemnominally powerful. I always KNOW what i want and what’s right without fear of anything or anyone. And that makes me powerful. It makes me sizzle.

I really need you all to muscle up and live the lives you’ve always wanted to. Don’t be scared. I hate that. Love who you want. Choose your life. Don’t listen to others, even your family doesn’t even really know best. Only YOU know YOU. People can’t tell you how you are, or how you should be. But it’s always the ones that break free and live that MAKE IT through the haze.

Inbetween the Lines

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Hey all…i’ve been up since 7am. I thought i had a free day, well a kinda free day..anyhow it seems I forgot i had the busiest dandy of a day ever, according to this ‘Post-IT’ note i have infront of me that has the apparent run-down of how my life is going to be scheduled today. I always thought i was way more organized than a ‘Post IT’/ ‘To Do,’ note. Yet i guess, i’m really no better than ya mothers Morrisons shopping list. (Ah dee dums. Not remotely bothered.) I got a phone call this morning, early..with a very excited other person on the end of it. I shocked myself awake and with a ‘Oh fuck, i completely forgot…’ i leaped out of bed, got showered and glammed up for work. Ofcourse i didn’t tell them I had completely forgot, as that would just be rude…(Hahaha…) I politely blagged it like any Wunna would and pretended I was all up and ready. I looked awful too, and couldn’t move my body, with a cat on my face. How professional of Me. But whatever, i made it, did the do and wasn’t even a minute late. I don’t like late people…i think it’s very telling, careless and a sure fire sign that they would not be good to do business with. I am never late for anything. I’m a woman of my word and i even think ‘Fashionably late’ is soooo 2004. It’s been done.

Anyway, i have a big week, so i’m going to try and NOT drink through it after my night in Manchester of booze. We’ll see how that goes. Lol. Yet i have a lot of interviews, meetings and things i’m putting off, because i believe if i ignore them they’ll just go away and get sorted. It seems life doesn’t work like that. Yet i’m on it, i’m smiling, and my head is a banging. The ‘bongos’ should be on my chest and not messing with the internal goings on, of my mind. God, and i’m totally craving Rama Noodles. It’s like being pregnant, but without an actual child inside of you…which would just mean i’m FAT. Yay! Cowgirl! Eat them tatties!! (Just had a flash back of being at this massive mansion party in LA, and there being an amazing bongo band. I remember ungracefully clambering up some pipe thing, to get to the bongo playing demons just so i could ferociously bang on them. I totally did ot too…all out of whack. And they loved it, until one guy was like, ‘Honestly now…if you don’t get down, I’m totally gonna get fired.’ Hahaha…loved it.)

What was i actually gonna talk about today?? Oh yeah…’Love.’ What a surprise?? I mean i think it’s important to tell people that you love them, as i do believe people of this world don’t hear it enough. However, just because you DON’T tell someone that you love them, doesn’t mean that you don’t. Really it doesn’t. I mean actions always speak louder than words..and i keep forgetting that. ‘Love’ is an emotion that can’t really be ‘littled’ into a four letter word. Often people can’t find the words to tell you how they care…and it’s important that when people can’t find the words, that you can still hear them anyway. I’m an communicator, so i’m really good at expressing how i feel (some of you have caught the brunt of that..lol) therefore i think it’s important to let a being KNOW how you feel, (as everyone hates guessing…i find it boring. It’s like the ‘guess my age’ game. No thankyou..snooze.) Yet once that’s crystal clear, then you are free to no longer say it, unless you truely mean it, yet should 100% just go about showing it more than anything. But sometimes people don’t even do that…however that’s their own fault innit. Just remember to read inbetween the lines. It’s often what people don’t say that matters. I hate it too…but it seems that that’s how boys function. I always prefer a forward speaking male…I have more in common with them. I’m a forward speaking girl, when i feel safe.

Currently dancing to ‘Genie in a Bottle‘ whilst i get ready for an interview. Have a sexy day. I want noodles NOW goddamit. Aah the life of a Glamour Puss. Wink. Pout. Pump.

My Little ‘Baby Blue.’

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Woke up this morning in the bed of a boy, who i’m going to name ‘Baby Blue.’ I had an amazing time with him yesterday in Manchester and well it started off with steak, jack daniels and chips, then ended with us trailing in at some UnGodly hour, laughing our heads off due to the joy of booze, good times and great company, followed by me waking up in his bed half naked, after he accidently spooned me, (Yeah you did) then having to actually be sneaked out of his room, tiptoe down a flight of stairs, creep out the front door, so no-one could see or hear me, then side step up against the side of a wall, and carefully walk up a drive onto the street, like nothing had happened (Note: this is all at like 7.30am) walk into a shop, order a taxi to take me to the train station, and wait for it with him on a street corner, in last nights outfit, a cigarette and big pink sunglasses. He was in jogging bottoms and pretending he needed a morning stroll. We just looked at each other and pissed ourselves. I had no idea where I was? It was hilarious. I have loads of special stories with ‘Baby Blue.’ He means so much to me. I don’t think i had ever felt so terrifed that early in the morning!! (Hahaha..) It was a scary operation. Like i was literally sitting on his bed, hiding, shitting myself and waiting to be sneaked out.

Anyway so yeah, last night was spontaneously amazing. I love ‘fun times,’ when you don’t know when fun times are going to occur. We steaked at ‘The slug & Lettuce,’ had a really good time. He was happy and excited about life. I don’t normally see him like that, so i was secretly impressed. He’s completely changed, much much stronger and i’m getting to know him a great deal more. I’m liking it…a lot. Therefore i’m quite happy with ‘Baby Blue’ right now. He’s quite decent. But yeah we drank loads, paid the bill, went on a mission to trot around the streets of Manchester in the rain (which didn’t seem to bother us,) randomly ended up in Primark (ooh the Glamour..i LOVE Primark,) watched a store worker call himself a ‘BITCH,’ in a huffy puffy Primark moment of stress, found a cash machine and then he showed me where he went to college. I like seeing peoples history.

Luckily his old college is launched in the middle of an array of Gay bars…The night started. It got fun. All i remember is drinking, drinking, drinking, surfboard tables, chav’s with tags, (who called me ‘ballsy’ and said he needed to ‘give his head a wobble,’ for not being with me,) cross dressers, lesbians, lots of talk of my ‘rack,’ shots, dancing, laughter, good times  and then i happened to notice that ‘Baby Blue’ was trollied. Okay, I always KNOW when ‘Baby Blue’ is wasted and slipped into a ‘whoop-dee’ because he always wants to commit to stealing things!! (Lol.) You’d think he’d want to steal something little like a beer mat or a bottle opener…or i dunno whatever? NOPE…he wants to steal a massive fucking LAMP, to give to his MUM. (Hahaha.) It was a bit of a mission, (like we had to move a whole sofa) but with the aid of  ‘The Wunna’ and the dodging of a security camera…he stole the lamp and placed it in his Primark bag. He wanted to take the plasma tv. We’re both social people. We then forced others to hang out with us & be our friends.

We end up in this ’empty’ one place and by now ‘Baby Blue’ has decided he’s going to kareoke in EVERY place we venture in, even if there’s no kareoke…and that my darlings he did. (After trying to do a runner. I remember just looking out the window and all i could see were his little legs scampering down the street, all drunk with his lamp.) He didn’t get away. I sent a lesbian to go get him and return him to me. (Hahaha..) He was found just wondering around in a shop.

Then we moved onto this other bar, with poles, a stage, and hirley Bassey..again kareoke, and loadsa fun. I was trashed and bringing out the best in Me. Lol. I think some drag queen announced that i had ‘furry knickers’ on. ‘Baby Blue’ sang ‘My Girl’ & he loved it up there, in his limelight and he was actually good. Infact, yesterday was the most fun i have ever seen him. He was ‘JLs’ dancing and really out of control. I liked it. After his song he fell off the stage a little…We left, but only to find ourselves in another bar, all red and smokey, playing allsorts. He went to flirt with gays, and then the stealing got hardcore. OMG! He swiped about 4 glasses, with tea lights in, a whole bunch of other jiggery pokery, then as we walk out, some dude had left his jacket on the back of a chair…cos he wanted to go for a bit of a boogie..so yeah with an ‘I’m having that..’ Baby Blue swiped it, and again put it in his Primark carrier. I think he was hoping there was a wallet in there too. He was clutching these new found goodies, with sheer excitment like it was treasure. You should’ve seen his face.

We get to the door…infront of the bouncer and (HAHAHAHAHA) well, (this is why Primark is not reliable) his carrier bag, that he didn’t notice already had a massive hole in the bottom, splits apart, everything falls out the bottom of it, and about ten hundred glasses that he stole smash all over the floor. Hahaha! It was awful. We were like gypo’s. And the fact that no-one really said anything and just shook their head in disappointment said it all really. I was pissing myself, crying with laughter and he was trying to look as innocent as possible. Everyone glared at us, like we were the scruffiest bastards they had ever seen. I LOVED IT! Lol… But we didn’t care, we just moved on to the next bar…which was amazing.

It’s like God really wanted us to have a fucking amazing time, he just kept placing good times infront of us. It was night, we were on a cobbled stone street, laughing our asses off and well he now had to openly carry his stolen goods in his cradled arms. He loved it. Went into next bar, God gave us a giant table to plonk all the goods on so we could continue tending to being foolishly amazing. ‘Baby Blue,’ then found a ladies scarf…he took it, then dropped his drink. Lots of kareoke was happenning, he was amazing. I felt really popular in that little bar. Lots of fun people, lots of wiggling around, lots of drunken banter, lots of very gay songs that we all love. He sang a million times. Then ruined my ‘pull.’ Like there was guy who was hottish but ended up being a far to cocky bastard for a 2o yr old…who was asking me out. ‘Baby Blue’ sees this… stops gyrating on these fat girls and decides to tamper with it. Lol. He does it by befriending them, and then making them not like me anymore. (Hahaha…or making me not like them anymore.) By the end of the night i was obssessed with ‘Baby Blue’ ( i was really happy) and literally yelling in the face of the new hot ‘pull’ and calling him the awfullest things, ( we both were) whilst some grandpa thought he had the right to try and feel me up because he had bought me a smirnoff ice. Lol.

At the end of the night, we were back on the cobbles, in the drizzle, yelling abuse at the hot ‘pull’ guy, who was now telling us London was shit and that he was a footballer. I don’t know what happened but i remember shouting that i hoped he got his face beat in on the way home?? Then i looked to my right, and all i saw was little ‘Baby Blue’ in a flat cap, now laiden with treasures that he stole. He too was yelling abuse, but was holding glasses, a jacket, a fucking LAMP and now wearing a ladies scarf! (hahah..) No wonder that hot pull guy thought we were weird.

We get into a taxi, we’ve missed our last trains by hours…the cabbie called ‘Ali’ was the biggest wanker to us, but probably because we were being wankers. I by now was looking after ‘Baby Blue’ and i was trashed myself. Then i sobered up for a second and really looked at him. He was so cute, all effing and blinding and calling people slags, all drunk and adorable, in his flat cap and ladies scarf.. with his lamp. I think it made me fall for him a little more…I love this guy. Our rapport shouldn’t by textbook work…but it does. Like it really does.

Anyhow, that’s how i ended up in his bed. Great fairytale right! Loong blog, i know. But totally worth it. I think i’m inspiring people to ‘Live’ and have fun.

Shaken not Stirred

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I’ve been ‘wakey wakey’ since 6am. It was meant to be a day off, yet instead i roped myself into a quick ‘something, something’ (I know it’s annoying when i’m vague, but i unfortunately have to be right now) followed by a short book writing moment of inspiration. Then I have a little meeting in about an hour or so. I’m dressed like a slutty business woman. The look was meant to be just ‘business woman,’ yet like i said yesterday… everything i throw on, turns all ‘I’m a slut- boobie, hippy’ in 3 seconds flat. I can make the nicest dress, look slaggy. It’s like being a drunk ‘Bond Girl’ who’s not really that interested in saving the world.

I’ve managed to get myself into a couple of arguments today already and i’m not sure why people aren’t learning the concept of doing as I say. It really annoys Me. (You think i’m kidding. Lol.) I think my dress is too tight. It’s making me all ‘uppity’ and the funniest thing about my morning so far, is that i’ve spent an hour of it, galloping through fields on a giant white horse.  I was all ‘skin to the wind’ Diva…then it rudely tried to buck me off into a bush. I nearly did my back in. (Hahahah…) It really was the wrong kind of venue for that kind of affection. It was coming at Me like it hadn’t had sex in 40 years!!! (I don’t know why i’m thinking about this right now, but i am finding the fact that when we were on the ‘Hilton’ show, on the farm Emma couldn’t go near the pigs, because she was on her period and they would’ve ferociously snouted her vagina, hilarious. HAHAH!!) Oh the joys of my mind…

Anyway life is good, work is even better. I’ve been going to counselling (Hahahahha….save me) over the last couple weeks and it’s really been amazing, as you may beable to tell. Plus, my sessions are always hilarious. I have a female therapist and we spend the time, laughing, taking the piss out of each other and then realizing that she might actually be the one that needs therapy. I tell her this all the time. I think she agrees. I only need her to actually say it…then i can get my money back!!! I love how therapy is now a game to Me.

I’ll be venturing into Manchester for a bit this afternoon…for a quick catch up with a ‘dandy.’ And yeah all is well in the world of Wunna…apart from the odd ‘pang’ of period pain. You know i’ve just noticed I never wear my shoes when i write my blog. How bizarre? And that i also write it anywhere. Like i once wrote it in a playground (don’t ask) and a gentleman took a picture of me, so he could say he saw me actually write it. I mean there’s been odder places than that…I just like to mention ‘playgrounds’ because it reminds Me of Gary Glitter and everyone starts hating me and getting thier knickers in a twistroo. I think the quote was (and i’ve already taken it back…so erm…FUCK OFF before you start ) ‘I model my life on Gary Glitter.’ My friend Harriet wants me to have a collection of Paedos, that I keep in a cupboard…i’m not actually sure why now?? But at the time it was hilarious.

I’ve decided to no longer be partial to negative, moody people. I’m an upbeat, happy go lucky girl and it really pisses me off when someone takes the wind out my sails. There’s nothing worse to me than a ‘Party pooper.’ Like really. I mean some people just walk around with a face like a slapped arse for no fucking reason whatsoever. It’s so boring. And yeah i might prance around like Barbie and be a little too ‘ohh laa.’ But at least i’ve got a smile on my face. Be it fake or real. Lol. I think people need to practice being fun. I’ve also started to notice how people try and control me. Boys do it all the time. It’s like they lose control of their own life and therefore find the wildest, funnest thing and then try to ‘rein’ it down. It’s not happening. I’ll set you on fire, have sex with you, then tie you to monkies before that happens again. God i’m sexy! I get it from Joan Collins.

But anyway, i will leave you with this for right now, as i have to go to the family planning clinic, to have strangers rummage in my ‘unknowns.’ I was on Twitter last night…I love Twitter…and my dearest idol (Russell Brand) stated, ‘EVERYONE! Let’s all just FORGIVE and give each other cuddles.’  It’s the motto of the day. If your holding a grudge drop it…it’s not becoming or hot and really quite exhausting. Tell the people you care about, why you do and why you appreciate their existance today…even if it’s sarcastic. Then get drunk. Be Merry and live this Wunnaful Life! Where’s my horse?

Being a Good Girl…

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I’ve just got home from a glorious day of work and play. I guess the good thing about my work life, is that as long as i’m not shooting, i can do it all over the phone or on my laptop. It makes all the difference. The world is my office and you guys are littering it. Lol. (No really…you are.)

Anyway, i’m quite disappointed in myself, because for a girl that was supposed to have dedicated her day to the art of ‘Flirt’ and ‘Man Eating’ I sure as hell let the side down. (hahah…) I’m pathetic. It’s hilarious as i convince myself that i’m all vixen ‘Va Voom’ but when it comes down to it, i’m really all shy and ‘love bunny.’ I like proper relationships with good men, that stay and love me forever and not floozey winks from ‘dick that don’t matter.’ Lol. I’m a lot more ‘goody goody’ and commitment orientated than i ever imagined. I’m proud of myself. (Hahha…i know ur not.) I’m all for settling down…so shoot me.

I spent the day being all shy and girly. Then after a few meetings, (where i was ballsy & determinded..I morph into this Hero)  i shopped with my Mother around Doncaster. The town that birthed Me. (And no i don’t have AIDs…you tramps.) The streets were littered with ‘love.’ Old ‘Love,’ Young ‘Love,’ First ‘Love,’ and although i’m always happy to see it..part of Me (and i’m least i’m honest, wanted to visciously poke them in the eyes repeatedly out of jealousy.) I looked at happy couples, holding hands and giggling. I looked at Men buying flowers for their tired wife. I saw a group of girls in the salon all giggly and getting primped up for their first dates and I just looked at my Mother (God bless her heart) who was feeling my pain..that i was trying to hide and i’m not good at hiding ANYTHING (but the sausage..wink wink) who then changed the day by saying, ‘Do you want me to buy you Diamonds?’

With a blink of an eye we were at the jewellers, one my family has used for years picking out diamonds, precious gems and jewellery. It was lovely and reminded me of being a little girl. We used to do it all the time. Therefore I am now the proud owner of a beautiful earring set and ring. The problem is, we drank champagne whilst me pondered (they do that to you make you spend more money) and all it did was make me think of weddings. LOL. Then i remembered that i’m not doing too bad in life and my love life is pretty okay and just like that i was dandy and able to purchase dresses that don’t fit. I can turn any beautifully classy day dress, into a hoochie boobie number simply by holding it up to Me. It’s a talent. Even the assistant was like ‘U make it look slutty.’ (Hahaha..) I put this sleek little number on…and it just exploeded into a mess of dangerous boobs and hips in 2.3 seconds!!!

I think i still care about a boy ( I can’t believe i just said that) …as i  have moments of ‘freeze,’ and he passes my mind. I think that’s normal. But that’s cute…and it makes me happy, so leave me be. (Hahahaha!!!) I’ve had my nails done, my hair done, my tan done. I look like a living doll. Now i want to smear KFC all over my body and call myself FAT until i cry. Lol. I think i’ll just have wine…a less dramatic option. I’m a loser. Rejoice!!! Harriet wants me to fight 2 buses…

Candy My Eyes..

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Woke up this moring oddly locked in a room. (Hahah.) However instead of screaming, and banging for dear life, i put in a pair of ruby earrings, then danced around the room to a very loud  T.I track at 7am and well before you know it the door was opened and i was freeeee once more. Ooh the power of Gangsta rap. I mean i don’t even know why they need guns? All they have to do is be all thug style, hold their nuts, and jump around aggressively to hip hop beats scowling n growling…enough to terrify anyone really. (Well apart from me, as i’d think it was a party and just join in!) They’d be like ‘Gimme ya money!!!’ And i’d be like ‘Gimme YOURs’ (giggle, giggle, pout.)

I’m feeling amazing today, full of life, energy and that deliciousness that can melt the hardest of hearts. And well last night i got asked out on a date, by the sweetest of gentlemen. Quite mature, stable and completely not my type. (lol.) A really handsome man, who’d make a great Mr.Right…but just not MY Mr.Right. Thererfore i politely said, ‘I’m actually not wanting to date right now.’ (And i’m not anyway, so i wasn’t lying) and i guess i gracefully let that little fish back into the sea. I think i’m quite a hard pull, now i’m all ‘I Know my worth’ (Hahah…) It’s gonna be a lot more difficult for you guys because i’m actually really happy with where I am right now. I feel like i’m leaping from cloud to cloud joyously, with a cocktail in my hand and a cheeky wink in my eye. Yet when you boys see me out n about, and i’m playful, fun, laughing and dancing around…it doesn’t neccessarily mean i want to date you. I really am just like that naturally. (Code for ‘sexy idiot.’) Infact another boy called me from Cancun, last night. He’s on a boys holiday and ran up a hill all drunk and away so he could call me. (I like that…makes me laugh.) All he said, (do it in your best American accent)  ‘I just wanted to make sure everything was cool, with you and me. Like we’re not mad at each other or anything, right? Like we’re cool.’ How hilariously random?? All i said was ‘Go back down the hill and have fun. We’re good.’ (Cute.)

Anyway i WILL say that just recently i must have been walking around with my ‘blinders’ on. And i do do that when i’m in a relationship, i’m loyal…so i have a one track mind. But yeah I’m spying some really sexy boys and i always thought there wasn’t any?? Yet it’s like my eyes have just peeled open and the streets are littered with ‘eye candy.’ My kinda ‘eye candy.’ It’s like i’ve only just become aware again and i’m loving every second of it!! I’ve snapped out of my haze and all I can see is ‘deliciousness’ everywhere. I mean a couple days ago I was in O’Neils by Kings Cross, glaring out of a window, with a boy…and I was literally pointing out the window and saying, ‘There is no-one!! I don’t fancy him, (point) or him, (point) or him, or him….(point point).’ But then again it was raining.

I mean the ‘Abercrombie’ boys much! Fiiiiiitttttttt!!! I do know quite a lot of them and all over the world (lol…ofcourse I do, i’m a Wunna), but it’s dawned on Me that they are divine creatures of ‘Ooh Laa,’ who need to be worshipped, winked at and maybe LICKED. (Hahahah…) I want to lick them, parade them around and pretend they are my boyfriend. LOL. In LA I have a team of steamy straight hot boy bitches, and i think i’m gonna find me my own little British team of boys, who are bitches and steamy straight…who i’m ‘just good friends’ with. It’s healthy and all ‘IT’ girls need a collection, one on every continent.

Have a cocktail, have an amazing day and create your sexy story!! I’m loving up north right now. I have the greatest friends, who like Ovaltine over nights out (I had the best phone convo with my best friend last night. I’ve never laughed so hard at him…I was literally laid on my bed, pissing myself.) I love my photo up above, again taken by David

I’m Good With God…so there!

 

Okay i’ve finally got home, after my night at a Pagoda of being blessed. (Direct you merry eyes to the above piccies) that’s where i stayed! How ‘Dalai Lama’ of Me right! Hahahah…can you believe it! To be honest it was amazing. I mean i can’t believe i was standing next to a ‘higher’ being. A man that has never had a drink, a cigarette, told a lie, touched a woman, always thinks purely, gave up his life for goodness, has never sworn, never raised his voice, or been violent or disrespected anyone, judged, never watched  tv, never feared anything or even had sex. He’s like this amazingly warm character and completely opened his heart to a sexy nuisance like Me. (But only because i’ve apparently been highly charitable.) I on the other had have been a floozey, smoked more than a crazy chimp, drank like Amy Winehouse,  sworn like a sailor and dry humped the odd few midget. I mean a couple days ago i was passing out in my own vomit, on my Princess hotel bed and today I was flouncing around with ‘higher’ beings. LOL. But i did give up my life for entertainment…therefore i think that means i’m ACE! God I feel fat. I’m stuffing lamb into my face as I type.

Anyway, don’t get him wrong….He’s amazingly cool too, like i told him that ‘i’m now good with God, because i left my baby brother there to monk with him & i can now go back to sinning & swearing, without regret.’ He giggled, smiled, and told me I was an ‘amazing being’ full of heart, who was going to do wonderous things. (I’ll hold him to that!) Then he chanted and blessed me. Unfortunately, it took a bit too long, since i went on a merry late night adventure to find booze, so i fell asleep half way through it…like properly mouth open, neck hung, drool sleep…and shocked myself awake to a crowd of people worshipping me. They were praying to Me & i now had this orange string thing on my arm. I quite like this marlarky. I feel powerful and quite fucking sexy right now!!! Purrr….i need me a little ‘Hey hey sailor,’ to celebrate my fullness, my womanhood. (OOoh Laaaa!)

On a differnt note, i don’t know what’s happeninng in my bra, but my boobs are extremely swollen. They ache. I feel like they are so filled up and pushed out that could quite possibly explode. Like if i sneeze they’ll burst into some kind of meaty glittery shower of ‘life.’ It must be nearly ‘period’ time or something, as they’re getting heavier by the second…but whatever i quite like it. It can’t do me any harm. I LOVE my boobies. I think it’s going to be a week of low cut, tight t-shirts for Me. (Lol.) Come to mama…. I mean you’ve got to flaunt what you’ve got. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of tease. Men Love it. Gets them all in a fluster, all confused?? All thumbs! Makes their pants uncomfortably tight and forces them to think about you before they sleep. I love boys. But there really is nothing like being a girl… We give them Fever. We turn them into messes, make them lose control, without them knowing why?? I don’t like that part, as i’d rather they just love us and cherish us.

Don’t forget to ‘Rock the sexy’ girls. By now you should have the power to walk out onto the street, tend to your everyday duties, all unaware, beautiful and ‘Glamour pussy’ and have every male eye be drawn to you, without you really doing anything but existing & without them really even knowing why they can’t help but look at you. It really does happen.  Enjoy it!! x

Who’s Ya Daddy…?

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Wakey wakey, my fellow love buckets! I’m still with the monks at the Pagoda, but get to leave this afternoon. My Brother is no crying because he’s decided he’s now going to miss us…yet i’m forcing him to stay because i’ve given the monks thousands of pounds to fix things. (Hahaha…) I didn’t know blessings cost so much?

Anyway i had delicious sex dreams about a boy, (Places of worship bring that out in me) and yeah i did go on a baby sized adventure around the grounds last night..but i didn’t find anything of interest. Just a few boners, prawn cocktail crisps, a grandmother and fermented apple juice, that if you drink tastes NOTHING like booze. Fuckery!! Oh and i also found a few ghosts and this massive magical temple that looked like Vegas. I was in my underwear, creeping around like i was in a silent movie.

Also last night i recieved text messages from a boy, who was…i think the term he used was ‘a bit fucked.’ A bit fucked boys are my speciality. I love a boy that’s having a good time, gets trashed and in that moment of drunkness thinks,’ You know what? I’m gonna text Wunna.’ It means they either associate me with ‘good times,’ they are under the influence of that famous ‘liquid courage,’ they miss me…or they simply associate me with being ‘a bit fucked.’ All is good to me!! It’s sexy!!

Godda go…the monks are calling me… HAHAHAHA (Piccy taken By David shaw…amazing photographer. My scars are showing, it’s beautiful.)

I’m in A Pagoda!! How did this happen?

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Okay so i’m currently in this weird room, with 3 beds at  Pagoda, which is a Buddhist monastery with orange robed monks. I have every female member of my family with Me, well almost and i’ve come to the executive decision that we’re all whacked. Well we’re either of the ‘Diva’ variety or the ‘Tea bag short of a full brew’ neck of the woods. I am both and i’m going to blame my younger brother for me having to be here. But at least i get to leave tomorrow afternoon. He has 8 days and i’m pissed off because i’m not feeling like the favourite child. UGH!!! I’m always favourite child…how can this BE!!!! I need a cocktail. This place is like rehab. My mums already nearly broke her fucking ankle. Hahahahah….

I’ve also come to the conclusion that i don’t work well when sober and that MEN can’t do anything by themselves. They’re useless!! They really are. Like they always need women to DO everything for them, sort their whole life out for them, wash their undies and point them in the right direction. I mean they get molly coddled by their Mothers from birth, then they really only get a wife in the end to replace their ‘mother’ figure. What has happened to romance and heros! I mean i’m only here trapped in this place, because a male couldn’t do this on his own!!!! I love how my Brother couldn’t come to a monastery on his own and had to bring at least 4 females with him and at his age i flew all the way to Hollyood on my own with a suitcase and NEVER came back for 8 years. LOL

I’ve been thinking a lot since being in this place of worship and it’s not only making my head hurt, but making me feel rather ambitious. I’m Chrissie Fucking WUNNA and i’m amazing. I’m the best girl i know. I’m a really awesome catch!! I feel like i’ve had so many boys take me for granted or be too terrified to be great to Me, or be so messed up in the head, that i’m refusing to date ANYONE until they are exactly right for Me. I’ve let boys be a bit too lucky, i think an dget a way with a bit too much. I’m no longer going to be making any moves on boys…as i’m always the ballsy first stepper. They can do all the leg work from now on. I know my worth. One did ask me out yesterday…but i declined. I just didn’t fancy him enough.

Therefore i will stick to what i’m good at and that’s being the life and soul to any ‘good time,’ a sexy little flooze, a good friend and a shimmie shaking money making, lurve love machine.

I have a very early morning and i can’t sleep coz i’m not drunk. My body isn’t use to NOT passing out. I can’t believe i’m in a Pagoda??? How has this happen?? I sin. I don’t cleanse. I can’t wait to move to London. I need GIN! I need BOOZE….save me from myself. I hope i get blessed tomorrow. Aww…my MUM is soooooo cute. I love it when she’s happy. Unfortunately she’s currently being a bunny and i’m swearing at her.. Hahahahahahah!! This place is sending us nuts! I’m thirsty…i’m going on a a nightime hunt around this place….