Wishing on stars…

About to go to bed and just wondering how long i’m going to beable to pretend i’m happy for? I’m pulling it off, yet on the inside is years worth of pain. I’ve just been to dinner with my Mum, and it really took me back through all the sort of awful emotional history i have. I was the little girl who had everything. Everything but the one thing she really wanted.

If i’m being honest i feel really alone right now. I don’t have anyone i can really talk to. No-one. Even when i’m out having a ‘good’ time, i’m getting trashed to numb a pain, an ‘ouchy’ and a lifetime of it. I could say that i really need a good friend right now. But i don’t. I don’t like to moan on at friends (the ‘family’ that you actually get to hand pick) with my problems. It’s not my role. I’m here to make people happy. Plus, I’m not comfortable enough to do that. They don’t know enough about me. Plus, i’ve dealt with everything in my life on my own. There’s people i could talk to…but they’re all in LA.

What i really need is a stranger to walk into my life, a complete stranger that i can tell them everything..get it all out and then let it pass. I did that once in New York and it was one of the best things that ever happened for a while. It was one of the hardest times i ever lived. I can’t believe that there’s actually one human being, other than Me…this guy who i don’t even really know, who i’ll never see again,  who knows everything that’s ever happened to me. He was like an angel, he listened and that’s all i needed. Half the stuff would just shock you.

I’m going through a really difficult time right now, that no-one knows about. I’m facing a great deal of emotional hardships from all angles, in all areas of my life and a great deal of loss. I’m not okay. I need a life line. A hand. A someone i can trust. An ear to listen. A stranger. Just someone i can open up to. A person to really give a shit. I feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders and that people always do me wrong. I need to find my strength. I’m going into a state of withdrawal. I feel like a disappointment. When i was 22 my life was perfect.

If you could be granted one wish right now….what would it be? Really…what would it be?

I can’t believe i’ve actually blogged this….

Okay Here We Go…

008

I honestly have no idea where to start? It was an evening filled with the most ‘merry’ of merriement, excitement and Jack Daniels, that i woke up this morning (in the prettiest off beds) not being able to move any part of my body, staring at a ceiling, and trying to console myself. It was the most surreal evenings, that i’m slowly trying to recall it, from flashbacks. I’m a fun girl, one you should cherish, but excitement and the genuine ‘love of life’ got the better of me. (lol) I’m going to stay in for the rest of the week. Life hurts. I blame Wazza.

Well it started off at The Counting House, with drinks for a penny & from that moment on, it all went down hill from there really. I got obsessed with ‘Biggie’ and his ‘flashy ways.’ I was told that the Chinese ruined Christmas and made people ‘shit rivers’ and unable to ‘pull crackers.’ I remember demanding that everyone had to come to Lapland with me for my Birthday (My a Xmas Baby) so we could all live in log cabins & be greeted by happy dwarves that aren’t in bondage. I remember ‘Dodge’ telling me that i should really go to Mexico, because you can die from coconuts falling on your head, and from actual Midgets biting your ankles on boats, until your sore. I also remember someone telling me that i should remove my implants and advertise ‘sandpits for Argos.’ Then i spied a young gentleman determind to make himself look like a ‘Paedophile’ for some strange reason and did this by sticking his ears out of an anorak hood, smiling and then making my friend ‘Bone’ give him his glasses. ‘Bone’ was rather into it all. He actually gave up his own sight for this mission.

I danced under the stars with my dear friend Harriet, who bought 20 jelly shots from one bar, stuffed them into her handbag and bra, brought them into The Counting House and took me back with her so there was more handbag room. (I can’t even remember what happened??) But i do know that out of NOWHERE appeared this odd box of hats from behind the bar. Jester hats, police hats, pirate hats…it was like a pandoras box for drunks or people who question their sexuality. From that point one everyone morphed into a character and all i remember is quiet Dan, (and maybe a bit coz of drugs) ferociously turning into an overly excited ‘Raver’ Jester. (Lol.) I should’ve gone home at this point. I mean there were people there, who had obviously seen a lot better days, who even had the smarts to call it a night at that point. But oh no, not Me and Harriet. I am so disappointed in us. We were standing on a wall like 5 yr olds, in hats, with rum, under the moonlight (see how i tried to romanticize it) overly excited about life, waving ribbons, whips & well i guess making memories. I don’t know how i got that whip??

Long story short, we end up at the only nightclub in Ponty called ‘Big Fellas.’ It’s awful, but for some reason i had made the executive decision to LOVE it. I must have gone around the whole place telling them it was AMAZING. I was quite popular in that joint, i was. (LOL.) I was all cute n sweet and randomly kept needing to do ‘The Robot.’ All i remember is dancing away like the happiest ‘lovely’ in all the world, pushing away boys, and sitting outside singing ‘Mysterious Girl’ to strangers. It would’ve been better if i just passed out at that point. But no we kept on going…..

Come out the club and to my sheer amazement is the biggest fight in all of the land occurring. It was like a Pontefract rebellion. OMG!!! U would’nt even believe it. Imagine a large cobbled stoned street…filled and i mean FILLED with almost 100 people, girls & boys and all BEATING THE crap out of each other!!! Omg! It was hilarious and a bit scary. I tried to take pictures to show you, but i couldn’t figure out how to work my camera. There were men punching men. Women punching women. People literally ripping each others hair extentions out and boys twatting girls. It was insane. Infact even all the bouncers from every bar ran down and had a bit of a scuffle for fun. I hid by ‘Heaven.’ ( I don’t like fighting.) People were leaping off drain pipes and running down alley ways. It was so ‘West side story’ but without the finger snapping or the glamour. Lol

Walked all the way back to Harriets. I remember being angry and then after demanding a little bit of Marmite, i then went to sleep in a lovely frilly bed. Woke up…couldn’t move my body. I really need a cuddle right now. I’m just a girl, trying to have fun, and love her life the best she can. At times it’s easy. At times it’s hard. But i hope to have you by my side…through the thick and thin of it all. We all get a little lost but let me tell you ‘LOVE’  and a good heart is all you really need. If you fight really hard for what you want…the Good Lord thinks ‘shit they really must want this’ and cuts you some slack in the end. He lifts a few walls. Be happy and love the ones that love you.

Loving This Thing Called ‘Life.’

Oh my God! Hilarious day! I’m not so ‘Mama Preacher’ right now, i’ve morphed into ‘fun’ Chrissie, who can’t seem to beable to understand how her legs work. I’ve fallen over almost 26 times today, and simply over my own feet. I’m sure i can blame my nanny or someone for not teaching me the error of my ways, when it came to ‘walking’…but OMG, i fell down in a supermarket (HAHAHA) like on my face fell down, and did one of those awfully embarrassing ‘slow motion’ monkey faced falls. I actually went red. I tried to do the ‘laugh it off’ method, but i was far too embarrassed to pull it off effectively. LOL.

I’ve also spent the merry day, chasing my my hair extention around my living room. My palm sized fluff ball of a kitten, who is still in the ‘trying to learn how to walk’ adorable stage, seems to beable to grab my hair piece, (that i use for volume) and head for the hills with it at 100 mph. It was like a sorry ass version of a ‘Carry on’ film, well a Tom & Jerry cartoon, but i wasn’t trying to hit her with a giant mallet…( i was too busy falling over my own feet, again and again and again.)

Anyway, isn’t it lovely weather!! The sun’s out. I’m feeling happy, i fancy a cocktail, a smile and a ‘good time.’ I really do feel wonderful today. I’m loving life and i’m feeling strong!

I really hope you enjoy this gorgeous weather…(in 5 minutes it’ll probably rain.) Love you all! x

A Little Bit of Knowledge…

DSC_0617

I wanted to start off this morning by positively telling you that 66% of Men have NEVER cheated on a partner. Isn’t that lovely to know. I think to cheat on someone is probably one of the worst things you can ever do to a being and well if you’re a girl going through a difficult time with a ‘dandy,’ (and there must be loads of you reading this right now) know that the MAJORITY of males 66% of them would not do that to you. I’m only saying that because i have a friend, who instead of trusting her ‘other half’ is ruining their time together by constantly worrying about the worst. It’s important to stay positive and trust people because then you will attract positive things to you. It’s the power of the mind. Use yours correctly and don’t fill it or ‘fuzz’ it with negativity. If you do that’s all you will attract. Don’t get me wrong there are some idiots, who don’t know a good thing, when they have it…but know that nowadays the MAJORITY of Men have been raised well by their Mothers & will be good to you. Every man needs a strong woman to love them regardless. It’s how they are naturally built from birth & i don’t think any of them would deny that either. Why would they? It’s a beautiful thing.

Oh and to lower the tone a little bit, (and this is for the boys) research proves that 2.3 MILLION men worldwide regularly have problems with keeping an erection. It is normal, so if you are one of the 2.3 MILLION know it’s okay, there is nothing worng with you and that the girl will love you anyway. Good relationships are not built on sex, they are made stronger through ‘hard times,’ a loving bond and a friendship. Like i recently said to a boy…it’s an ‘unconditional connection.’ A decent girl will stand by you through your worst. Have faith in that & in yourself. Men always think their not good enough, when really they make our world ‘complete.’ Like i don’t care what a guy does, where he’s from, if he’s rich, if he’s poor…if i love him, i love him and that is a million times more important to me than anything really.

I’m feeling good today, fresh, excited, loving the new me. You know how people are always saying that you should treat others how you wish to be treated. Well i don’t think that’s entirely true. I believe that you should treat yourself the way to want others to treat you…and like ‘magic’ it works. I’ve gone through a big change the last week and well it’s amzing how much better i feel about myself. I feel powerful, happy, respected and instead of people yelling ‘ Get Ya tits’ out at me on the street…I now have people stopping me shaking my hand and telling me i’m ‘beautiful.’ It’s a much better feeling…and i’m not just talking Men. Like Mothers are coming up to me and saying it, when i’m out shopping and i really like that. I’ve changed. I’ve found myself again and it feels AMAZING!!

I am at home book writing today. I’m getting really into it right now. I might go out for a little drink tonight, not a crazy ‘hoo-harr,’ but a gin & tonic or a cola cube drink as it’s buy one drink get another for a penny at ‘The Counting House’ tonight. (I love drinks for a penny. Lol) But it is quite rainy therefore i might chicken out of the whole thing. Yet i doubt it very much. I still love a ‘good time.’ I’m built this way. I was born for merriment. lol

Hahaha…i feel so ‘Dr.Phil’ today, sorry about that, i know it’s annoying.  I just wanna make sure everyones okay in the world. (Lol) When things are bad, they’re rarely ever as bad as you think and well you can overcome anything!! You really can…and happily. Have fun, clear your head, be whole and love the ones that love you back. (I haven’t had hate mail in a whole week. Hurrah!!!) Underneath it all you have your whole life ahead of you and life is shorter than you think. Make the most of it. It is amazing. Fold away the past, keep in the ‘present’ and be positive about the future.

I’m now gonna go watch ‘Desperate Housewives’ make lunch and continue scribbling out my ‘Glamour Puss’ book. x (Oh and summer just needs to be over…it’s raining all the way through it. Hahha. Bring on Christmas! My favourite time of year!) WOO-HOO!

Holy McMoly!!!!

Worked for a little bit this morning doing book writing and conference calls to LA about a movie, with my agent. Got some really nice messages this morning too, so thankyou for that! Then i decided i needed to shop, to let off some steam and well just be a ‘girl.’ I prefer to shop alone. Infact if you’ve ever been shopping with me, (or near shops) you’ll notice that i’ll never buy anything infront of you. I can never shop with people…apart from my Mum. I’m not sure why? I just need my ‘personal’ (yeah i know that’s weird) space. lol

Anyway, i venture on to Meadowhall, in my all new ‘Classy’ Chrissie get up (which i’m loving a great deal more) and bought myself more than i should have. Hurrah! I only needed a bronzer. I ended up coming back, with the whole of a MAC stand, a Dior bag, a couple of dresses, some pink shoes, a watch (i’m not a time keeper), a scent and a pair of skinny jeans. Okay, if you know me, you’ll know that ‘Skinny jeans’ and I aren’t friends…AT ALL. I can never fit into them, and well they sort of hate me. But i’ve lost a bit of weight just recently, and oddly they really wanted to talk to me today. So i opened my cold heart to a jolly old pair from a department store and i think i’ll just look at them, and never ever wear them. I’m quite ‘boobie/hippy’ therefore, i just look all kinds of wrong in them. But they told me that they loved me….so i’m gonna trust them this time. (lol) Hold me…

So i was all ‘classy classy’ today. In black pencil skirt, heels, top and pearls (Dior bag) and i’m rummaging around the lanes with a latte in my hand. I stop to look at a toddler who’s being a ‘street dancer’ around me, only to look up to the sound of a boy, expressing the words ‘HOLY F****** Shit!!’ (Do it in your best American accent.)

I stop, i pause and my eyes must have fucking decieved me!!! I know if i hear swearing around me…it’s usually at me, so i’m always worried. ‘Jason the waiter’ was standing right infront of me!! Okay some of you might know who i’m on about, because i blogged about him once or twice. But he’s a boy i met in LA years ago, originally from West Virgina (where they sleep with their sisters) who was a waiter in an LA mexican restuarant called ‘Mexicali.’ Bottom line…we never dated, (even though he did once find my car and place his number in my windscreen) but he hurt me, because he chose another girl over me…who unfortunately ended up cheating on him about 27 times with all of his friends and stealing from him. Bad choice, even if i do say so myself. She looked all innocent too. It’s always the quiet ones boys!!

I’m not going over the story again, but i drank a whole pitcher of margarita, through a yellow straw, ( to ease my pain)  jumped on a moving car, (bare in mind i was young, i could never do that now…my bones would break and i’d be too scared), a car that he was driving, security came and well ( I passed out in my own sick inside my own car), woke up to the noise of someone looking into my window saying ‘Is she dead,’ only to feel completely fine again, wipe my mouth and drive back home safely..in the day.

He was standing infront of me…in Sheffield! How fucking RANDOM!!! I didn’t even know what to say, but ‘hey‘..he added a ‘You look beautiful.’ I just politely uttered a ‘Thankyou.’ Then there was an awkward pause, followed by a giant fit of laughter!! (Hahaha..) We used to absolutely dislike each other, after a difficult period, but it’s funny how time heals hurt and you can see someone in an alternate light, after a break from them. We just talked about the past, LA. He said he had followed my work & always knew i’d do well. I asked him if he was still a waiter. He’s an actor now, and working in England for a little bit. It was just a trip. How fucking RANDOM!!!

But anyway i didn’t dwell on it because he’s funny, but he’s not that funny. So i shook his hand, wished him the best and strutted on my way. But it was a bizarre little meeting right! It’s a small small world! Then i got sushi, a massage and got the train back home…which is where i’m at now. I’m in shock! Bloody hell! ‘Jason the waiter‘ from LA, infront of my face…. in Sheffield!!!  He’ll never learn…

Video Profile No 3

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJeEfGRCmlI

This is the 3rd part of my interview with Martin Kay…(a wonderful man who waves the flag for the Ultimate Glamour Puss, & therefore wanted to know more about Me) I’m talking about the ‘Paris Hilton’ show, How people view me, and the place that made me…Hollywood.

People have this weird misconception about Hollywood and the people in it. They believe it is one giant place of superficial fakers, who have no concept on reality. WRONG!! (I mean there are people like that there, but there’s people like that EVERYWHERE. Infact i even hear people who have never been to Hollywood tell Me what it’s like…which is random. Everyone knows a different Hollywood. There’s the richest of the rich and the poorest of the poor, all residing under one enormous white sign. There’s a buzz in the air. It’s alive.

There are areas that are plastic and showbizzy.. yeah. But there are also areas that are artsy, earthy and colourful. There are areas that are ‘hood’ and areas hidden in mountains. There are worlds hidden within worlds in that town and well…i’ve explored most of them. It has amazing depth and filled with the misfits of the world who want to make things happen. I LOVE it. It really made me the person that i am today and i’m really proud of who I am. It’s a small town. I know it like the back of my hand.

Recently i had someone wrongly judge my character…which i think is a terrible thing to do anyway. People are people and well in my mind it’s wrong to ‘bully’ someone down to make yourself feel better about yourself. Instead of trying to make someone feel weak for one second to feel powerful, concentrate on learning from the ones that are ‘strong.’ I have incredible ‘Bounce back’ ability because i know my worth and myself, why i’m here and the talent that i have. No-one can take that away from me. I’ve inspired loadsof people and i’m gonna continue to do so. I’m firey. I’m a human dynamo and i’ve been weak over the last week or so, yet if someone is what i like to say ‘Greatness’ (lol) then their strength (that often people are jealous of,) will always rocket through. I’m done proving myself to negative people. I don’t need to & i don’t have time for them. I’m doing great. I’ve finally filled up & feel powerful again. It’s a wonderful time right now. It’s like a switch has just ‘clicked.’

I’ve done really well in life and i’m going from strength to strength in my career by the day. (I mean i have a 34 page contract sitting on my knee right now, that i’m having to intial and sign for the next 2 hours.) I can’t have done that much wrong, right? Today, i’m book writing, shopping and going for a much needed massage. I need to pamper.

Hope you love the video…

Off To Dinner

4819_120191823997_615828997_2870575_5220087_n

Quick piccy before i go venture off to dine with friends.  It was taken at the Novotel in Hammersmith a few weeks ago. I have many memories in that room.

I’ve just had this amazing conversation with this beautiful lady named ‘Jillian’ (she was all warm and loving…like a proper lady should be) and she re-taught me that ‘ACTIONs’ always always speak a great deal louder than ‘WORDs.’ I knew this anyway, but on ocassion i tend to forget.

I’m a fire sign, therefore i’ve always been a Doer…an action girl. People never have to worry if i’m around as i’m a sorter, the first stepper, the pusher. Yet it seems that in order to see peoples true intentions it’s important for me to ‘not do’ or listen to words, yet WATCH to see if any promising ACTION is made. Which is difficult for me. But I’m feeling good right now. I’m loving myself and i hope you are too.

Love everyone you can. Love everything you can. Try to show it, express it ….and it will always love you back & if it doesn’t then it’s rubbish. (lol) x

Exercising The Old Brain

Oh my goodness, i’ve been writing my book all day and well it seems ‘The Wunna’ has proved that actually using your brain for fruitful accomplishment (although WONDERFUL) is the most tiring thing in this world ever. I was sitting at home, in PJ’s (any job where you can wear PJ’s is amazing,) hair tied back with a cuppa tea and trying to place my ideas into print. I had Amy Winehouse on in the background, that ‘Tears dry on their own’ track on repeat..i often play it to get the ‘feel good,’ and as i was typing, thinking and quite badly doing Winehouse impressions (and i do mean singing, and not taking a load of hardcore drugs) then i guess i had accidently fallen asleep (LOL…nothing like dedication) because i woke up with my head dangling backwards, mouth open and body all spasticated, there could’ve even been drool & the song was still on repeat and my tea had a dead fly in it. I haven’t used my brain in a long while. I exercise it for an hour and it makes me pass out. (LOL.) Hollywood had taught me that you don’t need to use ‘brainage’ to get anywhere in life. You just needed to be Hot. England is good for me right now and definitely growing on me. I’m a Brit and i’m proud.

I have a tiny sized kitten called ‘Lucky’ who’s only 2 weeks old. I call her ‘Lucky’ because the fact that she’s still alive is amazing. I’ve almost nearly trod on her 14 times by accident in my stiletto and she’s only a palmed sized ball of fluff. Anyway she’s under the misconception that she can get her feed from my ‘lady part’ and whenever i’m not looking she’ll try and crawl up my leg (all shy & cute) then try to suckle on my vagina, thinking it is her Mothers teet. Making me not so ‘Lucky.’ I don’t even know if it’s a she…? Poor thing. I love her.

I’m still reading my ‘Men are from Mars etc..’ book and it’s really helping me. I’m learning about Men and women. I’ve learnt that when boys pull away they are simply overwhelmed and need time to themselves before they happily spring back lovingly and you have to give them this time. But i think everyone in ‘the good kind’ of relationships need time to themselves to do their own thing for a while. It’s normal, it’s healthy and if you’re a girl you have to understand their needs, be patient, have fun and write books about being a ‘Glamour puss’ for teenagers. (lol)

I’m also loving

Lil’ Jazz Baby That’s Me…

IMG_8044

Amazing night last night. I’m in the process of revisting my past in order to truely get back to being Me, a person i had forgotten about and sacrificed for the happiness of others. But that’ s part of being a ‘performer.’ We are people who bottom line really have this ‘want’ to make people happy. That’s why i love us. We’re good people and i can’t think of a better job. We are the court jesters of the world.

Anyway, a major part of my youth in LA was ‘Jazz’- i know hard to believe, but it really was, alongside a side of the blues and Motown. Therefore last night i converted one of the rooms of the house into a smokey ‘jazz’ bar, with dark cherry wood, deep red lushness, cigars, grammaphone, a small stage, old school mic and dark ‘put hairs on your chest’ booze. I only invited 4 people. My crowds are small now, as i’m on a sentimental journey and only let those of true heart in. And we talked life, love, worlds and ‘magic’ until the early hours of the morning, and had a little ‘sing song’ when the moment overwhelmed us. Oh and Russell Brand (my idol) was on mute in the background on a tv set. Which is quite pointless really, as he does need to be heard. He kept leaping from side to side gleefully, all hair and snake hips. Great when tipsy.

I’m currently obssessed with ‘Jazz’ music in the form of Christmas songs. (Lol…i know how Chrissie Wunna mentally ill of me.) I was raised on musical theatre, music and dance before acting took over, so i’m revisting a really important part of my life. Plus it was a big part of my marriage. Michael was a quiet, silent deep soul. We’d talk to jazz and he’d tell me about his life. You know whats weird? The fact that everyone would wrongly believe that i would fancy some muscle bound, over egoed hero. Not my style at all. I mean yeah, i’ve had ‘flings’ with them when i was a foolish child, but when i really settle with a guy, he’s usually always a deep, skinny, artsy soul, who’s slightly tormented, weird with his own uniqueness, traditional values and own sense of self. I find them far more interesting, than a Himbo. I’m  always mistaken for a ‘Bimbo’ because i short cutted my way to success via the fine art of it. One of the biggest mistakes i’ve made as it’s difficult on the old soul pretending to be something your not. I didn’t hurt anyone but myself. But saying that, not really, as i always knew who i was. I was just appaulled at the fact that others weren’t deep enough to see through it. I’m always gonna try and throw you for a loop at first. It’s a good way of weeding out the faint hearted and knowing who’s really by my side in the end. I’m not free with my affection. I have a one track mind. Once i like someone i like someone and that’s it i ‘click,’ and can only truely feel for them. They become my world, as really ‘love’ is all anyone needs. It’s the most powerful emotion. I’m motivated by it and have this bizarre ability to see inside people (ooh-er) and open armed love them and understand their human fratalities. I get it from my Mother.

Anyway the evening was littered with jazz versions of ‘Baby it’s Cold outside’ and ‘Let it snow’ etc…and i loved it. I sang my ‘Mikey ray ‘song, which you will only know if you’re an Angeleno. It has a verse about each boy i’ve dated…and it’s looong. Lucky you. I’m growing as each moment passes and this morning when i woke up i actually felt okay. No tears or anything! WOWEE! (hahahah) I’m pathetic, but i just know great things are on their way! Good things happen to good people. Dreams come true EVERY day. Don’t you forget it.

He saved my soul…

IMG_8300

Hey everyone! I couldn’t really be bothered to write a blog today, so i spent the day working on my ‘soul’…(and oh what work it needs) hence why it’s up a wee bit late. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and i remember when i used to write this blog ages ago in Hollywood, when i was little. Back then it was so raw, emotional, Me and well…funny. It was really honest and i wrote it just for Me, instead for everyone else. I told my stories be they good or bad, and well the support i have in Los Angeles is phenominal as they never judged me, yet always found me to be this amazingly layered creature. I spoke of my sadness, aswell as my happiness. It was always done via written word…there was never any boobies on my blog. It was just the story of a girl, trying to make her dreams come true & struggling through life. (Which is something everyone can relate to.)