Whats’ in it for me lovers??

So already this week i’ve had a boy tell me i made him ‘lose his boner,’ that it ‘just doesn’t feel right,’ that i should ‘shut the fuck up’ and that i’m a ‘wheelchair bound spastic.‘ I have that song that goes ‘it’s so funny how we don’t talk anymore’ playing in the distance background, by some poor soul of Satan and not only is my phone a flashing at me with people in need pf my attention, but my voice is all husky…like one of a big butch tranny, who’s trying to be angelic.

I’m currently writing my blog topless (yeah bitches) as i’m waiting for my fake tan to dry. I’m all sticky in all the wrong places and hopefully will be a decent shade of ‘Dale Winton’ Orange in 4 hours time. (And that’s only the first stage of ‘orange’ i intend to go.)

I have men pretending to offer me jobs on the internet in order to try and windle my phone number out of me. (Pulease, i was raised in Hollywood…we’ve all pulled that by the time we could legally do a shot) and yeah now i’ve been reminded…i’m totally missing my LA fans!

Okay the difference between my LA fans and my Brit fans is that my Brit fans are usually (excluding my Gays) little girls….and i love little girls more than anything, because i’m under the misconception that i am one, when really i’m an old bag, with a fucking decent titty job. (Jealous much?) But my LA fans, and the cremaing fun after me ones, are ALL hot MEN!! I swear, as soon as i step out onto the sunny street, i get hounded my men of all shapes, all sizes, all colours, all walks, all levels of wealth…and it’s so much better because they don’t take ‘no’ for an answer (they’ll even follow me all the way home)  AND they feel me up. My little girls don’t and although that’s a good thing…it’s really not too good. I haven’t been felt up in ages. ‘Billi Bhatti’ said he would tomorrow.

My ‘Wunnerettes’ (teenage girl followers of The Wunna) are upset at me for being ‘busy’ and are insisting onlooking up to ‘Ginger Laura’ if i don’t speak to them and become nuns of Holy Churches! They’re being naughty for attention, and i think i might need to swear at them. I do miss them however…but i’m telling ya, this fucking ‘take over the world’ work bullshit, is interferring with my social life. It’s getting on my nips! One of them ‘Rebecca’ has just told me my ‘vahina smells fishy.’ She’s 15! I’m a wonderful role model.

Anyway, all is well apart from i don’t understand why the youth on facebook type all funny, so that i can’t understand their sentences?? Like why bother putting about 500 letter ‘e’s’ on something that just needs one. (‘Chrrissieeeeee…’) and i’m not liking people who are randomly promoting their event, websites and their bloody Mothers skank whore hole (excuse my french, raised so well) or whatever on my profile. They don’t even say ‘Hi’ to me..they just use my ‘space’ like a slut and litter it with ‘Visit blah, blah blah’ crapola. Rude much!! Oh and people who basically want me to do everything for free. They’ll like message me 2 times on Facebook, believe we’re now really good friends, and then try and manipulate me into doing something for free for them! I’m a ‘What’s in it for me’ kinda girl. I’m the Worlds Ulitmate Glamour Puss. My tan hasn’t dried yet? Bollocks! I need to get over myself.

I totally get it now

Just woke up and after a pointless ‘fiddle in the middle’ (just did it out of boredom) i realized i had lost my voice and also maybe my viriginity. Then my hair got tangled into a free standing fan (wind machine, not person who screams my name) and i knew that things could only get better. I have the whole day off to invest in ‘rest,’ then tomorrow i’m back in London for a delicious amount of jiggery pokery… I need to recoup! I’m Big time baby! (Not really, i’m quite tragically rubbish, yet i’m successful making you believe i’m AMAZING.) Strut, strut, wiggle wink!

On a more serious note, this morning i finally realized my purpose in life….y’know that old truth of my existance. I’m not gonna tell you about it, because then it will spoil everything. (Plus i’d look stupid if i got it all wrong.) But i finally know why i was put on this merry land…and it wasn’t anything that i thought i was here for. I’ve met a lot of people over my lifetime, infact a lot of people just recently..and the same sort of tone has smoothed it’s way through all of them. I’m learning life as i go along…but now i’ve really got it. I get what i’mhere to do, which makes what i’ve sacrificed totally worth it. (I really fancy a gin.)

My best friend is currently yelling at me via ‘chat’ in regards to my love life. I told him that i was gonna go with the ‘whatever will be will be’ plan. He never likes that plan…due to an apparent ‘shit storm of drama’ that will occur. I’m a little bit scared, but now i’m like fuck it. Full speed ahead bitches! (Midgets currently banging a parade of party poppers as they rejoice for ‘The Wunna’ and wee themselves a little bit.)

Moan of the day part! Okay i’ve feeling a little bit used, and if there’s anything i hate more than anything, it’s people who try to trick me or take advantage of me. I’ll never ever say, but i will always always know. Just so everyone is aware, you cannot use someone to gain long term success. It’s a quick fix of ‘ooh laa’…yes…but as soon as that person struts out of your life…you are once again left with nothing. Take a short cut, you get cut short. Try doing something on your own, rather than milking it off someone else. It makes you feel so much more powerful! And i’m not saying this in a bitchy bad way, because i’ve sure as hell used people for personal gain plenty of times, as a kid in Hollywood , i’ve rinsed it (and i’m not proud at all) it just isn’t the way to do things. Learn this from Me! Karma really is a bitch.

Hope you create an amazing day, wink at strangers (well kinda becareful with that one) and well more than anything, feel comfortable in your own skin. It’s the key to success. Know who you are, realize your bad points, celebrate your tragic-ness and keep it fucking ‘SEXY!’

A Tall latte with a side of fans please

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Met these hotties at a Starbucks in Hammersmith, i think about 2 days ago. They were adorable to me…which makes a change! (Wink, wink, pout.) I had commited to eating a sandwich after a night out on the razzle dazzle and instead (mid-sandwich eating commitment,) was found by these lovely blushing beauties. So i signed a few autographs, smiled for a few snippy snaps and gave thme inappropriate words of advice.! Loving this thing called ‘life.’

Moving on Up

So much has happened in the last sort of 2 days, that i wouldn’t even know where to begin. Yet i’m filed it all under ‘good times’ and i thank the lord for blessing my horrendous amount of ego.. with fans! Work is good! I’m really starting to love being ‘The Wunna.’ My life in England is changing and finally this time for the better. I think i can handle this shit afterall. ‘OOh laa’ baby! I feel strong right now.

Okay so i told you i was at Brtains Got Talent..where i met just so many amazing chicks, talked to mothers on phones, signed a few note pads, signs, posed and pouted with for pictures and gave them advice on ‘blagging’ stuff for free. (Great influence.) Lots of you girls we’re a bit shy around me…and for future reference…you don’t have to be. I’m the nicest person you’ll ever meet…provided you don’t piss me off! (lol) Oh  and i did it all hungover in the heat, because i had been Gay clubbing it the night before with my gay Adam and my boyband members. (My newest accessory, who needs the ‘louis clutch’) Loved the night. Love my gays!! I met so many of my facebook faces and you’re all the sexiest bitches of whores! Yeah baby!

Anyway after all that ‘hoo-harr’ i ended up ginning it, and then going out around London in sequins to Maya, Followed by Funky Buddha, Followed by Vendome. Great nights, free cocktails, hot boys in scarves pretending to be my boyfriend and lots of gossip. In fact a  bit too much. Got papped by sneaky parked vehicle when i was trashed…i need to stop being trashed and smoking. I’ve done so much in the last few days! I think i’m offically a legend. However i am aware that i am leading pure innocents astray. I’m like teaching people how to ‘live’ yet now they’re being naughtier than ‘The Wunna’ herself. I’m creating monsters! Made me wonder how people see me? God booty texted by Billi Bhatti! (Haha..He’ll hate me for saying that.)

Last night Jonny and I boozed at the hotel, hit a couple of bars in Hammersmith, in pink dresses and Flat caps…then ventured on into central londony to find us a ‘good time.’ We didn’t do much, but walk around the streets, make out, have a few drinks and not be allowed into GAY because we weren’t members. We held hands, had an argument, strolled through Soho, with the druggies, prostitutes and homeless people..went back to the hotel room (after realizing we didn’t have enough money for the cab we were in) and well the rest i can’t tell you about…and only because i’m needing to keep something for myself, as it seems a lot of people are quite interested in ‘nosing’ in my love life, then coming up with their own version of events. And plus, it’s quite personal. Anytime i’m laid naked in bed with a boy and conversing…it always means important shite must be going on, as talking is coming before sex.

But i will tell you that we naked spooned, in my hotel room bed with MJ playing in the background lol)  talked about the future, learnt a great deal more about each other, and well it was kinda our first moment of actually openning up to one another. We both have jolly old trust issues ( like i don’t really believe anything a man says to me, and well he finds it difficult to believe i might actually care about him)…so we’re breaking down the barriers one step at a time. I always remember that night. I love learning about people because people are always so highly mis-understood. I think i agreed to have a baby  at one point??? 

But anyhow, lots of fun, lots of laughs, lots of deep meaningful moments. Then with a ‘ just because you said it at night doesn’t mean it doesn’t count in the morning’ he got on a tube back home and i trained it back to Yorkshire…which is where i am now for one day. It’s my baby brothers birthday today, so we all just did dinner. (Aww…) Wednesday i’m back in the Capital! Need some sleep. Love ya! x OH and i totally saw two guys dressed up as ‘Bananas in Pyjamas at like 10 am in hammersmith Tube station.’

Fans Innit

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I totally signed my name across George sampsons Face on that ‘heart’ board. (The corner of that board is wedged into a rather inappropriate place on my body.) My life now rocks with a delicious amount of ‘Ooh laa.’ I’m doing well…hope you are to (you swines.) Loved those Girls…oh and our DJ Talent!! (Don’t u just want to suck on those gold teeth.) Finally on the right side of the fence.

BGT and partying with the gays

In hotel room, just got back from Britains Got Talant! Blagged ourselves a ‘good time’ and well after a whole load of piccies, stardom and hungoverness (haven’t eaten in 3 days) my dear friend Rach decides she’s gonna try and storm her way backstage with a delicious amount of Diva-ness, past the barriers, past an army of security, over a fence and pretty much get arrested!! AMAZING!!!! Oh and totally in the rain. (I’m currently nursing her with my GAY Adam..and yeah i guess wine makes the World a better place. Liquid courage all the way!!

Last night i gayed it up in soho, went to Village, Ku Bar and the Popstarz, armed with Gay Adam, and 3 boyband members. Great night. I got ridculously trashed…feel like shit now though, and walked into a fucking window. It was just madness and i felt amazing. I have great tits!! And well love posessive boys with a side of go go dancers.

To be honest i can’t really be arsed to write this right now. I need to refuel and have more gin. Oh and i want fries. I can’t even remember last night. There was a lot of smashed glasses, lessons in head butting and nipples..oh and big brother contestants, followed by a lovely that refers to me as a ‘Dog Cunt.’

I’m actually doing really well right now in life. I’m a bit of a star! Yeah bitches. Need food.

Booze up, London & Blah blah blahing

Okay so last night was AMAZING!! I don’t think i have been that drunk on multi-coloured drinks for a penny in a very long while. Harriet’s definitely a bad influence on me, at one point she was trying to hit people with poles and made me believe that my tragic ‘jiggery pokery’ really is quite Greatness..and if i ever wandered into an alley in the pouring rain and got bummed…it really would be okay. I think she is currently my FAVOURITE person to go out with. It was good, clean, rowdy, fun, going from The Counting House (which is where i was when Jacko died..after i had just done a MJ kiddie fiddler joke, in a wooden cubby hole…i couldn’t remember the joke, so i kinda just said the punchline..) to the Dragon (where we mourned for Michael jackson by buying -well Harriet bought them- a whole tray of illuminous shots, followed by some other awful tasting shot and managed to drink 10 shots each ONE after the OTHER, like floozey savages, whilst i was calling America.) Then we ended up at ‘Heaven’ the local strip club, with 2 boys (Tomfri & Dodge,) more booze and some conversation about my love life, virgins and coding at Morrisons.

I’m offiicially ‘Chrissie off telly’ and feel so rough right now, i sort of need a bacon butty, a cuddle and to hibernate for one million years. Oh and we also met a weirdo called ‘Paul’ last night who likes to shot people in Newquay, where we found that we are quite a great deal more snobby than we ever thought. Lat night was MAD! I just got a flash back of me doing hip hop shoulder bumps to Kid Rock, whilst watch a young lady writhe around a pole. The strippers are quite energetic around that thing. Yet they were more concerned about looking at themselves in the mirror than enticing us! I’d make a good male chauvanist pig. (I’m hip hop shoulder bumping…god i’m starving.)

I’m currently in London, at The Novotel in Hammersmith. It’s okay, nothing special and i feel like a bag of shite. I’m in my hotel room (5002) in the same outfit i rocked last night, and the room is still spinning. I wanna feel better. I need food NOW! I’m waiting for people to show up, which i hate…due to well really just having to wait. But on the train here, that didn’t have any AC…i had to listen to a drunk pretend that i was his wife for 2 hours. he kept telling everyone in the cabin, telling a middle aged lady that she kept farting, drinking himself silly and tried to nick my luggage.

Not sure what’s happening tonight. But i do have Parnell and Boyband Jonny making appearances…i think? My eyes hurt. I’ve had 3 hrs sleep. Can’t wait…

Queen Of Greatness

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I’m currently fanning myself, purring and pouting in spoons. I’m loving my life, missing Los Angeles but hoping that everything happens for a reason. If it doesn’t than i’m pretty much fucked..as i’m hurting a lot more people than neccessary right now, but trying my best to keep everyone smiling. I’m going through a difficult time…that only i know about and oddly smeared in the awfullest orange ‘won’t fucking dry’ fake tan, whilst typing. I feel all streaky and sticky…yet my taking over the world thing is going better than i imagined.. according to stats. How much will i sacrifice in order to get where i wanna be? I’ve always lived my life ‘solo.’ Maybe it’s time i start thinking about others?

Oh on a funnier note..i have a message of the day. It was sent to me by

‘Women, eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, tummy tucks, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellies and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini lines, armpits, lips and legs waxed…and they won’t take it up the arse cause it fuckin HURTS!!!’
 
Wish me luck on this ‘Life’ thing…it’s getting a little difficult. (Rolls her eyes…reaches for a cocktail.)

 

 

Dance on My Lap bitches

Just woke up feeling AMAZING because i dreamt i was being sexually abused by a whole overly tanned, overly buff american boyband, in speedos on a beach! I’m a perv when it comes to delicious ‘Himbos,’ (i am…i fall weak at the knees because i’m shallow) and yeah having to actually wake up and change my sheets says it all really! I need them in my life, for (to the) EVER! Those sexy little bitches! You’ve just got to love an LA boy. Purr….

Anyway more importantly, today is the day that I (Lil’ Miss. Wunna-Queen of fucking Greatness) goes out on a merry adventure with the sexy Harriet, where we will drink until we can see no more and make fun of minging strippers who respond to the name of ‘