I love Bum Grabs

Just sat in my office writing you this blog. I prefer to write it around people, y’know…arond a bit of hustle and bustle. (I was always one of those babies that could only sleep around noise.) I’ve just returned home from a busy day of ‘Tom Foolery’. Some of you went to church, others had mojitos for breakfast, and chose slutty outfits for upcoming events!! I spent a lot of time around people today. So i got to do a lot of smiling and nattering with BBF fans. Meeting people is my favourite. I have a natural interest in other peoples lives. (Code for: ‘I’m a nosey bitch of a whore.’) I asked this one lovely girl who kept screaming at face in a coffee shop, all about her tragic love life, her new boyfriend, why it wasn’t working and how she managed to make her boobs look so good in ‘that’ dress. She said i’ve ‘changed her life.’ What she doesn’t know is that i also stole her wallet!! Hurrah!

I’m currently loving old school glamour, mixed with a Pamela Anderson slaggy edge. I like ‘Glamour Pussing’ with a ‘modern’ twist and it’s the image i try to portray…yes i do it quite badly, but probably a bit better than you. (LOL.) I rocked ‘it’ today. I was all wiggles and struts and the boys came to heel.  I felt like one of those ‘Darlings’ from the olden days, who all the guys would stop and tip their hats to, as she passed. I got a lot of whistles, winks, stares and applause simply for exisiting.( I will get over myself…honest!) One gentlman, did kissy kissy lips at my boobies (which made them giggle inside my bra) and another quite perverted tramp of a fugly brush, ‘bum grabbed’ me in H&M, then pretended it never even happened.

Now i don’t mind a cheeky bum grab. (I always think chicks are so uptight about all that!)  Boys will be boys and well i’m a touchy feely person anyhow. I love to touch all men. However, i had a dodgey wedgy, so he could’ve at least plucked my panties from out of my crackola, that my bottom had decided to swallow, mid- ‘feel up.’ I mean…how rude!! If you’re gonna ‘bum grab’ me in H&M, then at least have the decency to help a sister out!!

I then found myself trapped between Bibles and Jade Goody biographies, whilst talking to a young girl about Paris and the show. I knew my life was going down hill. How did i go from whistles, winks and inappropriate bum grabs, to a biography isle of Bibles and dead people.

 I have work to do and supposed to be getting blessed by monks tonight. I’m trying to get out of it…but i don’t like to be a let down. (Haha!) At least i’ve written this…that’s one think i can strike off my imaginary list of genius! Booyah!

Let Me Play!!!

Do whatever you want, whenever you so wish and don’t let ANYONE else dictate the story of YOUR life. Some say i’m the awfulest of human beings and others bless me with the title of ‘Beautiful Genius.’ As long as they’re talking then you’re living your story EXACTLY right! Go forth and nuisance a little…(and do it in heels bitches.)

Handling my Sh**

Just woke up and i’ve already been plunged into work. I’m really getting snowed under  in Summer and i can’t seem to get my head around it all. I feel like eveyone wants a piece of me and i’ve been trying to juggle my bits (oh-er)appropriately. I’m a lot busier then you think i am, as i always play, ‘la-dee-da, wiggle wiggle’ Bimbo. Right now, i have loads of deadlines, loads of things to get to, an ever flourishing love life (which has been put on a back burner.) The best friends possible (who i don’t have time for anymore lol) and well things to do all over the World, be it LA, Europe, Asia or England, whislt potuing, posing and writing. ( ineed to write a list. But am i really a ‘list’ person? Methinks not.

I’ve got to get into gear and really start not caring about what anyone else needs. (Which should be easy for me! lol.) Everythings changing and i’m at a point where i’m having to sacrifice a great deal of things for work. I don’t mind it as i’m wanting to get my hustle on. I love my work, it means more to me than anything. Yet sometimes the people around me don’t quite understand how much work it actually takes. A lot of my time is scheduled away and the time that isn’t will be shortly. Lol.

‘Dreamboat’ and I…(althought he keeps mailing me roses) are on hold. He’s working like crasy and going through a bit of a ‘media’ hard time and well i’m always ‘off off and away’ making ‘us’ almost an impossibility. ‘Latin lover’ (My dearest and truest heart) nis the MOST understanding being when it comes to ‘waiting for The Wunna.’ I havne’t been able to catch up with him in days, but he gets it. He’s us to it and well…it’s the LA way. Our whole relationship has always been like that. Fernando, i’m not bothered about. He’s too needy and thinks he’s a lot hotter than what he is. (Has a girlfriend but wants me to be his bit on the side.) I’m putting my ‘can’t be arse’ card up to that. This little Glamour Puss thinks you have too much time on your hands. But still would bonk you, if she ever saw you. Purr…

Infact i’m really pissed off at myself. (Ugh, my summer dress is too tight for me. i must be getting fat!) I’m pissed off because if there’s a time when i am enchanting gentlemen more than ever…IT IS NOW!! They are swooning around me and i think it’s because i don’t have time for them. I’ve always said, ‘if your interested in yourself, then everyone else becomes interested in you.’ They want to win your attention. It works. I was taught this on a West Hollywood balcony in LA by my neighbour Cletus!

Anyway i’ve got to go, work must be tended to. I can handle all thats happening. i don’t want you to think i can. it’s more my personal life that i’m trying to juggle in. Sometimes you’ve just got to let it go..in order to make your dreams come true. Mine are ever second and i can’t waste this time on boys and lunches with friends. I’m on top of it all. (Is it wrong to have a Mojito for breakfast?)

‘Britains Got Talent’ Interlude

Was going to tell you about my shit boring day about shopping and how i not only got called a ‘shithead,’ but also purchased four amazing dresses for a week of parties in London starting Tuesday. One every night. I’m gonna be ‘Glamour Pussing’ it quite tragically. Shopping was easy. I’m a 2 second shopper. I simply glance, pose, then pay up. I’m an action kinda gal. It doesn’t take me long to do anything and if it does, then i’m bored. Whether it be boobs, boys, boots, or best dresses. I am all on that shite and in 2 seconds flat! I don’t wait around for much,a s my feet are always tottering forward, whether i like it or not. (God i wish i was drunk.)

Anyway, i got home and ‘Britians Got Talent’ took over my life. Not being funny or anything, but i don’t think Britain had that much talent this year. I watched them all and well for me the winners will either be Shaheen (who is amazing) or ‘Diversity’…(who i voted for.) I voted for ‘Sampson’ last year…and he won. I do like Aiden too. Any of them really. (I really need a malibu pineapple.)

The best thing about ‘Britians Got Talent’ is the fact that the show is actually without us knowing, bringing the WHOLE of Britain together!! We’re all discussing it with each other, making our desperate opinions and unknowingly rallying together as a country. (Wunna likes this!) It’s a wonderful show and well whoever wins it (as long as it’s not Boyle…lol. I’m not that nice) is a very lucky being. They fooled us into liking each other and becoming ‘one’ as a country.

Other than that, I bought a giant pink rubber today (as in ‘eraser’ and not one you put over your willy,) which has the words ‘Big Mistakes’ printed on it. I went around the shopping centre rubbing people out, who did not please me. I’ve swiped everything worth swiping. Winked at evrything worth winking at and well loving this thing we call goddamn ‘LIFE!!’

My boobs feel like they are about to explode and well i hope yours do too. I love you!! Can’t wait to see who wins!!

Abuse For Breakfast

Woke up this morning after dreaming i had DIED last night. (Stop cheering.) OMG! It was awful. It was one of those’ like it was real’ dreams and for some reason i didn’t realize i was DEAD, which is quite unfortunate really. I was still bimbo-ing along all dandy and sexual. Then i stopped, looked and thought ‘Hang on a second? I’m dead!!’ What does dreaming your dead mean??

The first thing i did this morning, before i even got showered was run to my mirrored dressing table and place diamonds in my ears for comfort. (Oooh laa…so much better.) I’ve got a busy-ish day today. I’m hunting for outfits in Doncaster because i have a week of hosting and parties to go to. It’s the only time off i have, so i’m gonna have to get my ‘shop’ on.

I come downstairs this morning, all happy and thinking that i was getting somewhere in life. I login into Facebook and what do i find? A message from a random stranger. It read:

‘I can’t stand you!!  (Oh not this again.) You look so cheap!! (Thankyou.)  I never see an asian acted like your cheesy freak whore!! (If that sentence actually made sense, it would’ve been quite a decent form of verbal abuse. I’m gonna take that as you fancy me! I accept your sexual advances. Call me.)

You got no class chrissie, (Private English boarding school bitches)  is that how you pay your rent? (I’m rich. I don’t need to work or pay rent) buy fucking people for money. (Buying people for money??? I don’t buy people in exchange for dollar. I sleep with them. ) I figured….

You such, an ugly little cunt! (My cunt’s cute. My Daddy told me. You’ve made it cry now.) Disgusting!! (And there you go…the big glittery finale!!)

That little bit of abuse for breakfast was from a random ‘Elia Shpongle’ on Facebook. The fact that i would NEVER send anyone i didnt know, a message like that makes me 87% BETTER than you. It’s probably some little girl or boy, I can’t really tell, as they have a famous person as their picture) who fancies someone they can’t have and therefore want to blame their misfortune on me. I didn’t realise how famous i was. I’m making people i’ve never even heard of mad at me. It’s God punishing me for being Evil about Susan Boyle. Karma’s a bitch. I’ll never learn.

Now to shop!

Oxford Street, Meetings and Aiden to Win!!

I’m actually too tired to right this, but i will anyway. I’ve only just got home from a long day in London, that was supposed to be a short day. I missed the whole of ‘Britian’s Got Talent,’ (which annoys me) but i know that everyone thinks ‘Holly’ (whoever that is) is a fucking bratt and that Aiden (who i think is simply AMAZING for an eleven year old) sailed into the Final and i’m all for him to win it this year. The person who i am most OVER  is ‘Boyle.’ I really don’t think she’s that talented. They’re just keeping her in for the ratings, therefore i’m hoping my little Aiden, or one of the male dance groups will drop kick her fat arse out of the competition. Oh and i’m also getting asked a lot about ‘Sampson’ right now (this very second) and i LOVE grown up George. (Ofcourse i do. Mwaha!) I just think he’s better now he’s older. Yeah he may have lost the ‘aww’ factor. But who wants people to go ‘aww’ at them?  Being ‘grown’ is ALWAYS better. You don’t have to put up with people wanting to tickle you. Instead they want to have sex with you…which is so much more beneficial.

Okay so i spent the majority of my day on Oxford Street. I had an afternoon lunch meeting, at a cafe with Siobhan and Rochelle, who are foolishly going to let me Present the Pop-Rocktic Gala at Embassy next week and also feature me in their magazine, because i’m simply amazing. We discussed what i would wear, do, say and Rock-it, over glasses of water and chicken wraps. These chicks know what they’re doing. They’re the kinda chicas that have everything under control no matter what and i need that because i’m one hell of a delicious mess. Great tits though. I’m very excited!! I’m sure i’ll pull some ‘magic’ out of my fake tanned arse. How good was the weather today!! The funniest thing about my meeting wa the fact that when i first met Siobhan, we tried to hug, but our hair got attached to each other, outside Topshop. So after a mild awkward struggle she accidently hit me in the face and we walked on. Haha! Loved it! Great way to start any meeting.

Met so many HOT boys today! Shit loads! All of which stopped me to say ‘hello, which i love. I enjoy forwardness. I was propping up the wall on Oxford street, and this fucking to DIE for delicious piece of man, all tall dark and handsome, (swoon) comes up to me and tells me he LOVED me on ‘BBF.’ I simply open mouthed stared at his beauty. I could’ve eaten that piece of yum. He scores double points!! Infact i met bucket loads of future husbands. Oh and Scott from boyband ‘Five.’ (Lol. ) He scowled at Me and I didn’t know what to do…so i scowled back.

Had to waste time for 3 hours until i was allowed to get on a train ( i bought the wrong kind of ticket…USELESS) and ‘bless his slaggy socks’ Adam Parnell (My new found Gay, who shags policemen in forests  and gets bitten by knats) left his work, got on a train and baby sat ‘The Wunna’ at Starbucks. Aww. I love him!!! (We slagged everybody off. Slagged each other off. Then proceeded to take pictures of ourselves outside Kings Cross! Don’t hate!) I was recognized a lot today, yet no-one seemed to manage my NAME!! One guy stopped, stared at me, and blantantly said, ‘Who the hell are you?? ‘ (He couldn’t figure out how he recognized me.) Just for the record. It’s CHRISSIE WUNNA and i WASN’T on Big Brother. I got that twice today. The girls always know, but they guys, just remember BOOBS and tv.

I can’t be arsed to write the rest of this. I’m too knackered. I felt like the only Bimbo in all the land today. I LOVED it!! (I currently have some other face YELLING in MY face… in Burmese. Not quite sure why they’re not FUCKING OFF? Need sleep. Save Me! )

A Bit Of Bald Eagle

A quick pic of ME today. (The odd key on my laptop has gone ‘kaputt’-therefore i’m unable to write this, without feeling 94% retarded!!) So i got painted today (it took 4 hours) for a shoot. Easy work. Lot’s of fun. I just sat on my arse all day on a Directors chair, naked in heels, whilst some poor fellow with a skull bandana airbushed my ‘privates.’ I love my life AND their banoffee pie!! I got treated pretty goddamn well…and i’m gonna say it’s because i’m a SUPERSTAR. (I Thankyou. Applause please.)

I also found my new boyfriend Joshua. Yes, he’s only six. (And that’s ‘years old’ and not inches. I mean i’d never talk to any 6 inch boy…..interpret that how ever you so wish!) But he assures me his ‘love’ is real and that it will last a lifetime!! (Hilarious!) He was sat watching me be naked, all fake boobied, big lipped, in heels all day and after telling me he could ‘see my bum,‘ then went on to tell me that i was Soooo sexy,’ and was intending to marry me. His father approved!!

Infact, now that i think about it, there were an awful lot of mini children on the set today? Girls and boys! It’s gonna sound odd, but kids really LOVE me. I’m all ‘over eye-lashed, fake boobied, loaded with diamonds, wiggly, Glamour puss,’ that they think i’m a toy or some kind of doll. The girls want to play with me and after 4 seconds, are not only semi circling around me, with open mouths and googly eyez. But also giving me their pocket money! ( I could make a living out of this! Oh wait! I AM!!)

One girl was sure I was some sort of magical Princess, who’s picked up a bizarre smoking habit. But another one called ‘Bethany’ claimed my voice was ‘far too squeaky’ for her liking, then ran away giggling because she had seen my boobies. I’m really not a place for young children to be around. (I’m like knives, matches and paedophiles.) But the girls all want to grow into me. Their Mothers, are not so keen. Yet the Fathers want to also. (Wink, wink!) I love dads!!

I’ve been up and working since 5am, now that i’m a tragic worka-maholic. However, i’m loving every second as it seems i’m going on a random adventure a day. I’m doing the oddest things? And well don’t feel like i’m wasting any of my life or talent! I’ll get there in the end. Whatever the hell ‘end’ is?? I can’t believe all this is happenning to little me? Yet if i’m being honest. I always knew it would!

Can’t wait for ‘Britian’s Got Talent’ tonight. I love my new horny kittens and poor poor Man U!

My Body Will Be Painted..

…said the good Lord to his delicious oriental protege of ‘Ooh Laa.’ (Yes Me you shits!) I’m writing this now because i’ll have to rise early from my luxury chambers in the morning to perfom arts of ‘Glamour Puss’ at a shoot, where my BODY for the first time EVER will be PAINTED. Yes lovers, i’m gonna stand there nudies for 5 hours whilst a good old dear, strokes my body with gentle brushes laiden with paints. Their imagination will be plastered on my body…ruining my fake tan.

Hopefully it’ll look marvellous and i’ll feel nakedly AMAZING. Then i shall tend to my shoot, where i will seductively pout, pose and ‘va voom,’ it in my new found skin. I’m excited, and it’s so much better than some of the other things that have been spurted/smeared on my body after a pathetic ‘four pump- Uggh.’ I remember turning up on a doorstep one evening, in a t-shirt that read ‘I Break Hearts on a Daily Basis’ with a giant cum stain dribbling down the chest of it.

DK (my friend) kinda just opened his door. I remember saying, ‘Yes it’s cum.’ Then i elbowed my way past him like he was a nobody and used his bathroom to re-think my actions. I loved my life then. I still do. But the cum stain days were magical. I had just bonked my ex-husband, in his car outside an appartment building in LA. He didn’t want his girlfriend to know …hence the odd location and well…i was suffering from a rather broken heart. Infact a broken spirit. I used to be extremely EVIL.

But anyway TOMORROW, (whilst you’re at work or saving the delicious world) my body shall be painted upon, then pictured. It better be good. I have horrid thoughts of diaster.

Love you all

Chrissie Wunna

My Day Off, Hamsters and COME ON Man U!!!

Not being funny or anything, but i don’t want a fucking free hamster. I was at Victoria Garden center today. It’s just a place near me where i sometimes go when i quite wrongly believe i should take up a gardenning habit. It beats smoking. Had lunch, got recognised (which i love) and stared at mid ‘cheese & bean’ jacket potatoe. It’s okay to stare and take pictures,but don’t listen in on my conversations.LOL. There were so many cheeky beggars, just randomly leaning over, (but pretending to do a giant arm stretch yawn,) ear-wigging and then joining in! I’m talking about you. Not to you. I was gabbing away and out of nowhere someone at the next table would join in and say  ‘Yeah i thought that too!’ Hilarious!! Then a 4 yr old Ribena stained boy, all blond and grubby decided that he was going to spend his lunch squirting my bare tanned thigh with his big plastic ‘Super Soaker’ (that sounds a bit rude.) He’d squirt, then piss himself laughing whilst telling me (quite loudly) that i had ‘wee’d myself.’ I tried to flick him in the eye. But it’s okay because my butter knife fell into him. (All smiles.) I like children with clean faces.

Anyway, i was buying pet things today. As you know my kitten, recently had kittens,who are ewoks and now the most beautiful things i have ever laid eyes on. (Ugh! My ‘Space bar’ is fucking up. It won’t do ‘spaces.’) So i need to do what i do best and that’s BUY their affection. They now have every toy in the whole goddamn store. They’ve only been on this earth 13 days. (I made that bit up.) So i’m buying my kittens ‘squeaky deakies’ and this random worker, (who was quite delicious actually, hence why i stopped) tried to give me a FREE FUCKING HAMSTER.You can’t give away HAMSTERS, all free like that!!!!  It’s like… you buy a birds cage and you get a free hamster. You buy a dogs bone and you get a free HAMSTER. You innocently select your ‘Pic n Mix’ and you get harassed by a free fucking HAMSTER. Fuck off free hamster dude! It made you 14 times less hot.You could’ve had ‘The Wunna.’ Yet you insisted on carrying 104 hamsters with you. Who even likes hamsters??? They’re just pretty rats and only good for bundling up and putting in ya panties, so you can pretend you have aggressive balls.

It’s my DAY OFF TODAY! Woo! Hoo! I actually do have so incredibly much to do that is tumbling on top of me. But ah well? I’ll get through it. I have a lot of deadlines, and work to be done like pronto and to be honest i’m finding it difficult.My body is also SORE in all the wrong places from partaking in that Burlesque class. I think all that gyrating has put my back out. I have bags under my eyes and not even from partying. (What have i become!!) I’m refusing to work simply because it’s DAY off day. So middle finger. I need some sleep. (Not really, you’ll all get your work.)

On a good note, i’m spending this evening cheering on MAN U, in my pyjamas!!!! It’s the Champions league final. I’ve recently gotten really into Football. I root for Manchester United and I WANT THEM TO WIN!!! It is the highlight of my night and i deliberately didn’t work today, simply so i could watch the game. I’m like their hottest fan. (Ask the Daily Star!! )

I cried at ‘Stavros Flatley’ this morning. Their belly jiggling was a moving experience. Finally a bit of ‘funny’ in the final. Iwant to poke them and smother them in Wunna love. I can’t believe i cried. I’m losing my touch. Slap me.

Living Doll

My work load is coming in and well i’ve pretty much spent the whole day being a ‘Living doll,’ and a sexy one at that! Today i had a 6 hr hour shoot, in the most beautiful of mansions (kinda like the Playboy Mansion) where i spent amazing moments of my life, being a glamour puss, pouting, getting out my boobies, letting my hair be gently blown by wind machines, letting diamonds hang from my ears and looking sexy in corners. I LOVED IT!! It’s one of the best shoots i’ve done. So sexy. So lush. Today i was Queen of Greatness. It kind of made me realise how much i truely love life and truely love glamour modelling. It’s so my thang. The pics came of deliciously. I’ll show you them when they’re ready. Perfect day. So lucky!!! I’m a living doll!!!

I spent the day dressed as a sexy bitch in black thongs, stockings and leopard print, oozing out of champagne glasses. I was also a cheeky, yet naughty maid in a parlour. I’ve been in a chinese corset, sprawling all over deep red carpets, surrounded by teak.  A fetish doll in a dungeon…a REAL one, that had a buckle down spanker machine thing in it, with saws and chains. I seductively draped on crumbly walls, did a work out shoot and finished off with a delicious cigar shoot. I had an evening gown sort off draped off me, whilst smoking a massive cigaro like a sexual slag. The pictures look AMAZING!! It was all elegant, chandeliers and DIVINE. I love OTT Glamour. It’s purrfect. I worked with probably one of the best teams EVER  and also had ham and pickle sandwiches for lunch. (I don’t ask for much!)

Then i had to rush off, after snatching my cheque (mmmmkay) jump on a train and get to my Burlesque class, which i actually thought was a fun way to end the day. (Even thought, i turned up 15mintues late.) It wasn’t as busy as i thought. But i’m learning the basics and finding it easy. I use to actually be a dancer when i was little, so i’m a niffty little mover. I’m also good at SEX, so the combination of the two is a HIT for The Wunna. I hope my Burlesque class gets better. I’m excited about it all. I luvre a bit of Burlesque.

Then i got on about 4 wrong trains home. I looked like Glamour puss Barbie, about to get anally raped at a stranded lonely train station…in four towns. I’m finally home…i got in at around 11pm. I have a LOT of work on and well my social life is suffering. (The thing that MADE me.) I haven’t been able to talk to my friends, call my lovers, feed my kittens…wink at strangers. I’m all speed ahead right now. But i’m happy. It’s better than scrubbing gussets and wishing for stardom. I’m living my dream….